800 Words (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

The male bowerbird
courts the female

with brightly coloured trinkets,

while the emu turns slightly blue
and tries to inflate his throat.

Mmm...

Then there's the good old
Aussie galah,

who proudly raises his crest,

performing impressive acrobatics
in the air

to prove just how good a catch he is.

To the rest of the animal kingdom,
these courting rites come naturally

but for most humans,
it's just not that simple.

We call it dating. And there is
nothing natural about it.



So, a tie, do you think?

Dad, have you seen anyone in Weld
wear a tie?

Ever?
Yeah. It's Katie, Dad.

And you're taking her to a movie.

Dial it back.
OK. I'll dial it back.

If you and George get married,

then me and Arlo will be
like twin brothers.

How awesome is that?
Sweetheart, no.

There is no awesome.
It's just a date, OK?

So how do I look?

OK.

Woody!
Ease up.

Hey! So tonight's the big night?

Woody.
The movies, I hear?



Yep.

And you've got the tick of approval
from the young ones as well, I hear?

It's just a date, Woody.

Why are you here, Woody?

No reason.
You know, just... passing through.

But, um, while I'm here, do you mind
if I grab a quick shower?

Help yourself.
Bonza, mate.

Does he seriously think
we don't know

that he's on his way to visit
his lady up the road?

It keeps him happy. How do I look?
And don't say "Dial it back."

If I dial it back any more,
I'll be naked.

Isn't that the desired outcome
of the date?

Tacky, Shay.

Getting through it alive
is the desired outcome.

OK, going back to "How do I look?"
You look fine.

Yeah. Good to go.

OK, well, I will... I will go, then.

Hey, George.
Billy.

Katie.
George.

Shall we go?

We should.
Yes. Please.

♪ There's something in the water

♪ That makes me love you like
I do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. ♪

The big night.

So, good on you, George,
for putting yourself out there.

You too, Katie.

Did you actually book?
Yeah, I thought it best.

No-one really books
for the Weld Cinema

because that way
they know you're coming.

But by booking we managed to reserve
you the seats of your choice.

Up the front for watching the movie,

up the back for...
not watching the movie.

If you know what I mean.
Up the front, please.

Then away you go.

You'll find your complimentary
popcorn and ice-creams waiting.

And you know what they say -
matches are made in heaven,

couples are made at the Weld
Summer Festival of Kiwi Cinema.

No-one says that, Sean.

Unfortunately, the Weld Summer
Festival of Kiwi Cinema

has hit something of a snag,

since Brenda thinks that 'Once Were
Warriors', 'Heavenly Creatures'

and 'The Piano' are all lousy
first-date movies.

What was wrong with 'Whale Rider'?

There's nothing romantic about
riding a whale, Brenda.

So, instead, we'll be watching
a favourite of mine -

Nagisa Oshima's
Japanese erotic masterpiece

'In The Realm of the Senses'.

What, again?
Yes, Monty, again.

I'm with you, Sean.
Cheers, Bill.

Oooh-hoo! Enjoy.

Can we... Can we leave?
Yes, please.

Well, that was, um...
Unexpected?

Yeah, I was gonna say confronting.

Yep, that too.

Do you wanna call it a night?

No. Do you?

No.

A drink? Something to eat?

That sounds like a plan.
But not at the boat club.

I feel like we're under
a microscope already.

I hear you.
The pub has both food and drink.

And away from the microscope.

Thank you.

Hey, look who it is.
How's the hot date going?

Fine, thank you.

What about you?
We're not on a date. Or are we?

No, we're wondering why I haven't
got a date ever.

Well, I thought you gave all that up
to focus on your career.

Doesn't mean I have to like it.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Mmm. Aren't you meant to be
at the movies?

Maybe we're looking
for some privacy.

Good luck with that.

Isn't that why you guys are here -
to get away from the madding crowd?

Nah. I'm dating the barman.

OK, maybe not.

But, hey, if things don't work out
for the two of you, George,

just remember, you're definitely
not too old for me.

I'm going to the other side
of the room now, Hannah.

I think they make
a lovely couple.

We can hear you, Tracey.

I wonder what dating's like
at Dad's age.

He's hardly 100.

No, but what practice has he had?

And has Katie had any other
boyfriends since Zac?

How would I know?

Dad had Jan, but it's not like
they ever actually went on a date.

Can you please give it a rest?

Don't you wonder
if he'll know what to do?

It's Dad. Of course he won't know
what to do.

Maybe you should focus more on
your love-life than Dad's.

I don't have a love-life.

But you might, if you tried with
that hottie at the boat club.

Actually, the fish is good.
So is the calamari.

Except, every time I look up from it,
one of them is looking up at me.

Yeah. Curse Tracey
and her useless love-life.

It'd be much simpler
if she just got over herself

and jumped Woody's bones.

Except Woody's moved on.
Really?

To where?
Becks Whitfield.

Up from my place.

Hey, do I know something
other people don't, for a change?

Does Tracey know?
Pretty sure not.

No. This is terrible.
Tracey made her choice.

Woody seems pretty happy about it.
No, for me.

This is exactly why I hate gossip.

How can I be in the same room
as Tracey now?

How can I look her in the eye?

Yeah, we have to go.

You paid, right?

Yeah.

Thank you for dinner.

So, do you wanna go home now?
No.

Billy will still be awake. I'll have
to answer all his questions.

Why, do you?
No. No. No, I don't.

Well, we could go for a walk
on the beach.

Yes. That would be lovely.

I supposed I'd say the last time
I dated was Zac

but it was a loose interpretation
of dating.

- I probably don't want to know.
- No. You probably don't.

What about you? When was the last
time you played this silly game?

I honestly can't remember.
School, maybe?

What about Laura?

Well, Laura and I skipped the
traditional dating part of things.

Righto.
Yeah.

I can't believe there hasn't been
someone since Zac.

Well, after Zac, I had Billy,

which kind of put a dent
in my dating life.

Are you fellas talking about me?

You're on your hot date
and you're talking about me.

Sweet.
Don't flatter yourself.

How's it going, George,
being on a date with my missus?

I'm not your missus.

The company's good.
Nice, George. Nice comeback.

Do you like flounder?

Best cooked with butter and lemon.
And capers.

Oooh.
Yeah, I like flounder.

Well, then, tonight's
your lucky night.

Maybe in more ways than one?
Shut up!

We don't want your stinky fish.

But, Katie, it's rude not to accept
a gift of kai from the moana.

Thank you.

Come on, boy. Hup.

Hey, um, if you want me to come over
and gut them and stuff like that,

I can do that.

That'd be really romantic for Shay.

No. No, no, no, just, um... just
offering. Nothing to do with her.

George, you have my permission
to go full steam ahead, bro.

He doesn't need your permission!

Well, I certainly
wasn't expecting this.

Not on a first date.

I sort of feel we've run out of
options. Do you?

I'm sure even if we thought of some
place else, someone would be there.

So, home?
Home, I think.

I do have to say, despite everything,
I have actually enjoyed myself.

Me too.

Evening.
For the dear, sweet life...

Oops. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Didn't realise it was you two.

Constable Tom.

So, no need to ask how
the first date is going.

Obviously pretty well
if you're having a pash.

We weren't having a pash.

Nothing to be ashamed of, George.
Perfectly natural.

What are you actually doing here,
Tom?

That time of year, Katie.
The summer people are here.

And with them come
the freedom campers in their hordes.

I won't spend another summer

following a trail of used
dunny paper to Gunther and his Maui.

I won't have it.

Freedom campers are too cheap to use
the actual camping ground -

not that we have one of those
anymore.

And Maui, the sacred Maori god,
but also a campervan

favoured by German tourists.

Where do you expect them to go, Tom?

I have a plan.

Please, allow me.

Chivalry.

A bit dangerous these days,
isn't it?

What if I'm offended you think
I can't open my own door?

Well, you can get back in and open
the door yourself, if you like.

I'm good.

Well, thank you.

For a series of
unmitigated disasters?

Yeah, but they were an entertaining
series of unmitigated disasters.

They were that.

Now all we have to do is get
our stories straight.

For the inquisition?
Exactly.

Well, if it ended with a kiss,
would that keep them at bay?

No. But I don't think
it should stop us.

Well, thank you for the date.

And thank you.

You better get that fish
into the fridge

or your car will never smell
the same again.

Yeah, I'll just chuck some
butter and capers into the boot

and leave it in the sun.

Night.

That first kiss,

the ritual fraught with
so many conflicting emotions

at the end of a first date.

Will it be withheld in favour
of a polite goodnight?

Or, if offered,
what promise will it hold?

Will it open doors or close doors?

For a meeting of two sets of lips,
there's a hell of a lot riding

on one simple kiss.

Hey, are you home for dinner
tonight?

Since when am I not home for dinner?

There was that night a week ago.

Your point being?

Well, I'm no expert, but you said
you had a lovely time, right?

Yes. We had a lovely time.

So would the obvious next step be
to ask Katie on a second date

soonish after the first date?

Thanks for your interest, Arlo,

but maybe I haven't seen Katie
since then.

In a week? In Weld?
Amazing as it seems.

If only we had our
electronic devices

so people could talk to one another.

Dad, can I get a ride
to the gallery?

Well, I'm leaving now

and you've got at least an hour
of blow-drying your hair,

so I'll see you two tonight.

Well, if you wait, then you can see
Katie at the gallery.

I have to go.

Still no change?
Still no change.

Hey! G'day, Georgie.
How you going, mate?

Yeah, alright. You?

Yeah, well, customers in Tauranga,

they're holding their
solar panels ransom.

All the sun's gonna be used up
at this rate.

I'm not sure
what I can do about that.

Could you write a column about
the inefficiency of the gonks

at the Ministry for
Primary Industries?

Would that help?

Yeah, no, never mind.

Hey, what's the story
with you and Katie?

You going on that second date
any time soon or what?

You can't just create the problem
and then hide from it.

I did not create the problem.

I think you did.
I solved the problem.

And created a new one.
Which is not my problem.

Then why are you hiding from it?

Everything alright?

Sorry, someone suggested
to the freedom campers

they might want to
storm the barricades

and start camping
in the old campground.

If they're all in the one place,
it's much easier to police them.

Plus, there are toilet facilities.

But Big Mac owns that land now.
Exactly.

The land is sitting there, empty,
not a sod turned,

mocking me every time I drive past,

chasing one of the Gunthers
to clean up their mess.

This way, all the mess
is in the one place.

Property magnate comes down on
local constable like ton of bricks.

It's very annoying when
you speak in headlines.

Why is the old camping ground
still a camping ground?

It's supposed to be
a retirement village.

It's a very good question, George -

one a real journalist
might actually follow up on.

Are you mocking me again?
Not at all.

If I were gonna mock you,
I'd say something more like,

"Mind you, a man that takes whole
week to ask a woman on a second date

might not know so much about
following up."

So, what has happened
to the retirement village?

Stop the presses.
Newspaper editor recognises story.

So, what actually happened
on this date?

Dad went all dark and mysterious
on it.

How'd it go?
Lovely.

We're having fish for dinner.

We had a good time. It was... Yes.

Yes? What does that even mean?

It's complicated.

There are people camping
on your land, Big Mac.

Freeloaders leeching off my land,

while the man who should be evicting
them is strangely missing in action.

That digger's been sitting there
for a while, doing not very much.

All things take time, George.

You should be writing about
the evils of unlawful occupation,

not worrying about diggers.

Bit of a mystery, that's all.

You mean like how come you haven't
asked Katie out on a second date?

I absolutely cannot impart,
accidentally or otherwise,

any information about the camping
ground hereafter to be...

referred to as...

The ground formerly known
as camping?

Nice. Like Prince.

But I wanna know about
that retirement village

that's supposed to be there instead.

I particularly can't utter
even a syllable about that.

I'll be in the ring

even if I whisper the phrase
'Chinese economy'.

So there's a problem with
the Chinese economy?

I never said that.

Unfortunately, I have sworn
a blood oath to my hideous family

so I also cannot impart anything

about why the home
for the old crumblies

has been indefinitely delayed.

Indefinitely delayed? Why?

Don't ask me.

So you're telling me that the editor

of Weld's hard-hitting newspaper
of record

has no idea how to break
an actual story?

This comes as a surprise to you?

No, but you don't need to confront
Big Mac in the ballroom

with a revolver.

Follow the paper trail - titles,
contracts, ownership deeds.

Find out who else is involved.

Meanwhile, how's it going
with Katie?

Not you too!

It hasn't happened yet, alright?

Really? Because I heard
the first date went well.

So, what's the hold-up, George?

Sorry, Jan. I have to go.

Hi.
Hi.

I was just thinking about you.

Great. But it's OK if you weren't.

No, I was, honestly.

Good.

Yeah, sorry it's been
such a long time.

Um, I just assumed that we'd run into
each other.

Me too. Weld's a big place.
Yeah.

I should've called.
So should I.

So how is everything?
Interesting.

Have you seen what's happening
at the campground?

No.

It's been reclaimed by the campers.

Wow. Big Mac will not be happy.

Well, the thing is, he seems
almost powerless to stop it.

He was standing there,
just watching it unfold.

That's very unlike him.

Well, according to a source
that I cannot name,

it has something to do with
the Chinese economy.

You have a source?
Yeah. Well, it's Monty.

But does this mean
you're writing a story about it

and therefore
biting the hand that feeds?

If there's a story there,
it should be told, right?

Absolutely. You know me.

I mean, in terms of...
my beliefs about Big Mac

and everything that's gone on
with that land.

Absolutely.

So I think you should write
the story

and to hell with the consequences.

Thank you. I will.

And we should have a catch-up
at some stage.

Yes, we should.

I have to go and get Billy.

Just the woman I'm looking for.

I need to ask you what's going on
with the old camping ground.

People are camping on it, I hear.

Shouldn't it be a building site?

That's council business.

I can't talk to you
about council business.

Why not? I'm a ratepayer.
Well, not this business.

But there is something
to talk about.

So when's the second date?
Please don't change the subject.

What went wrong?
Nothing went wrong.

What does the Chinese economy
have to do with this?

Last time I saw Big Mac
down at the campground,

he was with a bunch of big, tall,
blonde people

and they looked Swedish, not Chinese.

I would recommend an outside table
for that second date.

Was it 'In The Realm Of The Senses'?

It can be a bit much
for the more sensitive types.

Look, Sean, what Katie and I do
or don't do

is none of yours
or anyone else's business.

Just like any sensitive documents

pertaining to the legal ownership of
the campground is none of yours.

But I live here. I pay my rates.
Surely that makes it my business.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

OK, OK, what about I'm the editor
of the local paper

and people have a right to know?

We do not respond to threats here,
Mr Turner.

That wasn't a threat.

That was me pointing out
that people have a right to know.

That is very true.

So do you or do you not intend to
ask Katie out on another date?

I don't know.

I'm out of my depth
with this whole dating thing.

And it doesn't help that everyone
keeps pestering me about it, alright?

I hear you, George.

Whoops.

You did not get that from me.

You were never here.

Hello?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Shay and I thought we might get
an early dinner at the boat club.

Are you in?
Sure. Sounds like a plan.

OK. Well, we may as well
meet you there.

Fine.
Alright, bye.

Hey. Dad called. He wants to meet us
for dinner at the boat club.

Fine. Whatever.

OK.

Change of plan already?

I didn't know we had a plan.

Katie.

Yes.

How can I help?

Actually, it's me trying to be
of some use.

I spoke to Fiona,

who said something about Big Mac
talking to some Swedes.

The country, not the vegetable.

Does that fit with what you know?

Sorry, I have to go.

Big Mac.

Just wondering if
our staff photographer,

who sometimes moonlights
as law enforcement,

has come out of hiding yet.

Tom got called through to Stafford.

Let the crime spree begin.

I'm sure he can deal with it
when he gets back.

Well, he can start with the big
party going on at the campground,

the united nations of fun.

Any Swedes?
Sorry, George?

Are there any Swedish people
among this united nations?

Why would there be?

Weren't you down there the other week
with some people... from... Sweden?

I talk to many people from
all over the world, George.

Even Australians, from time to time.

Ask Tom to do his job, will you?

Why? It's not like the campers
are getting in the way

of any construction work, are they?

Editor surprises sceptic by knowing
what a journalist does.

Well done, George.

Hi.
Hi.

Do you want a table?
Yes, please.

Just the two of you?

And our dad.
Let me show you.

It's OK, we can grab one ourselves.

No, it's my job.

Auntie Fiona said I needed to
interact more with customers

instead of being afraid of them.

You can interact with me
whenever you want.

That'd be great.

Here you go.

Would you like menus and stuff?

Menus and stuff sounds awesome.

Emma!

She is not a good waitress.

I'm not here for the food
or the service.

Go, little bro!

Out to slay the lady.
Dad should be taking tips.

He needs help from someone.

Maybe our family is destined to be
single forever.

Speak for yourself.

Family.

You ordered yet?

Good call, this. I'm famished.

I thought this was your idea.

Arlo said it was you guys.

Hey, are you ready to order?

I know what Arlo wants.

OK. What?

Um... I might... I might need
a few more minutes, actually.

I... I'll come back.

Slick, Arlo. Real slick.

You backed me into a corner
and I'm not good in a corner.

Arlo was building up the courage
to... make his move.

Personally, I'm wondering if there's
a genetic problem

with the men in this family
when it comes to women.

Please, can I have one conversation
today that is not about Katie?

Nope. You spoken to her?
Yes.

Really? And?

And we spoke.

It's complicated.
Try us.

No. It would be weird discussing it
with you.

Does Katie know what the problem is?

No. Probably not.

No idea.

Because you haven't discussed it?

No.

Then maybe...

I know. I know what I have to do.
Shall we order?

So you saw him today
and he didn't ask you out again?

No, he didn't.

Why? What's his problem?

How can I talk to you lot about this?

Can we please just
talk about the book?

Sorry. Hey, sorry I'm late.

Trace, I thought, you
weren't coming to book club anymore

on account of all the busyness.

No. I mean, I missed a couple of
weeks but I came tonight.

Hi. Tracey.
Rebecca.

Everyone calls me Becks.

Yeah, Becks is new in town

so I thought book club would be,
you know,

a nice place for a stranger
to make a friend or two.

I brought wine, if that helps.
Always, in my opinion.

We were just about to talk about
'The Luminaries'. Have you read it?

I've been meaning to, I swear.

Smiler did,

but then he used it to prop up
the hole in his house, so no.

What we were really talking about

was how come George still hasn't
asked Katie on a second date.

Or she him.

I know George. He seems nice.

Yes, he is. That's not the problem.

Was he lousy in the sack?

No! We didn't get anywhere
near that bit.

Well, it doesn't sound like
much of a date.

Did you at least get a snog?

There was a kiss. Yes.

Yes.

So was he a lousy kisser?

No. No, he certainly isn't.

It was too good, then?

I need to talk to him about this,
not you guys.

So why haven't you?

It's... complicated.

As far as I can make out,

this whole dating thing is about
getting to know the other person

but what if, instead of
learning about them,

you learn things about yourself,

things you'd rather not talk about?

Things you'd much rather avoid
than confront.

Things, however, that ultimately
you can't hide from,

that you must confront.

Only me.
Morning, Woody.

Hey. Happened to be passing through.

Thought I'd pop in, let you know
it turns out, Smiler's cousin

works on border security.

So we're all sweet
with the solar panels.

That's good to know.
OK, fair cop, mate.

I wasn't just passin', alright?

The thing is, I've been having
a little thing with Becks,

you know, from up the road

and, I've just come from there.

Really? Gosh.

I know. It came out of left field
for me too.

And, it's good, George.

And I wouldn't normally trouble you

because I know you've got
your own troubles

with the whole Katie disaster...

It's not a disaster.

Yeah, but the thing about the thing
is, after book club last night,

Tracey might have an inkling about
me and Becks.

So? I thought you and Tracey had
sorted all that out.

Yeah, well, we have

but, you know, there are levels to
sorting things out.

Well, then, you need talk to Tracey.
She's an adult. She'll get it.

Right, like you need to talk
to Katie.

Which I'm gonna do right now.
Good.

Zac.

George.

Woody.
Hey, Zac.

You need to come with me. Now.

Hi, Gloria. Is George in?
I haven't seen him.

But neither have you,
from what I've heard.

That's why I'm looking for him.

Tom!

Sorry. Haven't seen him. Phone?

No answer.

Maybe he's hiding. Like you, Tom!

I'm not hiding. I'm... staging
a tactical disappearance.

Leave you to that, then.

You know the internet is
working perfectly, right?

Huh. Doesn't mean
it can't work better.

Better than perfect?

Hey, I got skills.

'Whale Rider' is on at Weld Cinema.

Have you seen it?

I'm not going to the movies
with you, Ike.

I was just... just...
just saying it was on.

It's a Kiwi classic.

Still a no.

OK.

Hey. Apparently Ike can make the
internet work better than perfect.

Ike, leave the girl alone.

I'm not doing anything.
Yeah, right.

Do you know where your dad is?

Sorry, no.

He is with Zac.

Please tell me
there's no boat involved.

There is a boat involved.

Zac, I need to be at work now.

Now we have kina, we can talk.

Talk about what?

And why out here?

Katie and your intentions.

My what?
Your intentions, George.

Are you gonna do right by her?

Because Katie might be spiky
on the outside

but she's all soft and squishy
on the inside, just like the kina.

Katie's not at all spiky
on the outside.

And you and she have been over
for years, as I understand it.

Doesn't mean I still don't
care about her.

Then, yes, I intend to do
the right thing by her,

as soon as I get back to dry land.

I need you to prove that, George.

How?

By eating the kina.

Really?

OK.

How come when I'm somewhere
where there's no reception

you always find a way through?

Because I'm a witch.
Yeah, I believe that.

Bring him back to land now.

He ate the kina.
So?

Well, normally, when you give
a pakeha the kina challenge,

they cack themselves.

But George was like
straight down the hatch.

Just put him on the phone.

She wants to speak to you.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm sorry about Zac.

He feels like he has to protect me.

That's OK.

I was on my way to see you
and then I got press-ganged.

Good, because I need to see you.

Sorry, George. Gonna have to ask you
to come with me.

What? Where?
You'll see.

You're kidding me, right?

Do the people of Weld have nothing
better to do

than kidnap me all day long?

Not really.

I've been told to tell you that all
your questions will be answered

if you get in the car.

Just do as you're told and no-one
gets hurt. OK? Except me, maybe.

Be a spar, George?

I've swung one punch in Weld
and it only hurt me, so... so no.

Resistance is futile.

What are we doing here?

We're working out our issues
the MacNamara way.

I'm not fighting you, Big Mac.

Step into the ring, George.

I've just eaten kina for the first
time. Hitting me is not a good idea.

I'm not gonna hit you, George.
I'm gonna hit Monty.

Just not on my face, alright,
with jewels...

George, do you want to get to
the bottom of this business or not?

Well...
Hit him.

What if I already know?

Hit him and I'll tell you
if you're right.

You signed the deal to buy the land
off the council

but on settlement date,
the money never went through.

That is unfortunately correct.

You don't have the money?
No, I have plenty of money, George.

But the first rule of business is
you always use somebody else's money

and sadly, due to a downturn
in the Chinese economy,

my primary investors
don't have any money!

Hence the Swedes?

I went fishing for alternatives
and there was some Swedish interest.

I like Swedes. Handsome men.

But they didn't have
any money either!

So, what now for the land?

Beyond it becoming a parking lot

for Euro hippies looking for
a free holiday, I wish I knew!

I wasn't trying to do a bad thing,
George.

Just bring a little prosperity
to Weld.

And I'm not stupid -
I knew that sooner or later,

somebody would blow the whistle.

I just didn't think you'd be the one
blowing it.

I am doing the job you gave me.

And I'm doing mine, but I'm just not
used to this... what's the word?

Failure.

That was a big one, Dad.

Setbacks like this...

Do you know what it feels like,
George,

when people think you're poor
and you're not?

Not really.
It stings, George. Stings.

What if I was to change the angle
of the story?

Keep talkin'.
Talk all you want, George.

What if it was more of a Big Mac
saves the summer holidays

kind of thing?

About you giving the land back
to the people.

For the time being.
For the summer.

Now, that's a story.

Not the true story, but...

I think we've got ourselves
a result, George.

Now, let's hit the showers

while we sort out what's going on
with Katie.

It's not easy for men our age to
navigate this dating business,

especially when we've already had
the loves of our lives.

Thanks.

It's so much more complicated now.

Have you dated anyone since Norma?

By crikey, she left a void, George.
I don't have to tell you about that.

Mmm.

But there is a lady friend

with whom I believe there might be
some romantic potential.

And how long since Norma died?

Coming up ten years.

And only now you're thinking about
getting back in the game?

Timing, George.

As my Chinese investors have
reminded me, timing is everything.

If your ducks aren't in a row
when you're locked and loaded,

then there's mayhem in the mai mai.

A mai mai - is that like
a Maui camper?

It's a hut for duck shooters,
George.

No, my point is that
you may be ready

for another love like Laura

but are you ready for another loss
like Laura?

You're a wise man, Big Mac.

Hello?

Hey, Billy. Is your mother here?
No.

Can I just... see what
it might've been like?

She's at the movies.

Thanks, Billy.

And I come from
a long line of chiefs

stretching all the way back to
Hawaiki, where our ancient ones are,

the ones that first heard the land
crying and sent a man,

whose name was also Pakeha.

And I...

I love this movie.
I must've seen it 20 times.

Shh.

But I was not the leader
my grandfather was expecting.

Can we get out of here?
Yeah.

..I broke the line
back to the ancient lords.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

It just happened.

No, this is not a second date.

Disappointing.

But a table, definitely.
For two?

Yes, but not a... not a date two.

Go for your life.

So...
Yes, indeed.

And before we get to
that comedy moment

where we both start talking
at the same time,

can I just get in first and say
that this is all my fault.

Yes, you can, because it is.

Really?
But in a good way, not a bad way.

Well, at least not a BAD bad way.

OK.

For me, it was the kiss that did it.

Yeah, me too.

Don't get me wrong.

The kiss was... amazing.

Which is what was wrong with it.

Sorry, you said you wanted
to go first.

No, no, no, please, carry on.

It went on for longer
than I had expected,

which gave me time to think.

To think that I could be next.

Next?

The next Laura.

I mean, I got way ahead of myself.

And it scared me.

It scared me because,
if that happened,

I don't know whether I'm ready to be
that person, to face that pressure.

I would never place any pressure
on you to be like Laura.

I know you wouldn't - you'd be so
careful about all that sort of thing

which is why I told myself
to stop being silly.

There's nothing wrong with
being next. Someone should be.

You deserve someone
to share your life with.

And this is all while
we were still kissing?

I can think very fast,

because then, still on the kiss,

I realised that what was
really scaring me was...

that I don't think you're ready
for someone new, George.

It hasn't even been a year.

And I didn't want to be there
the day you realised that

and you looked at me,
knowing that I wasn't her

and you wondered if you'd made
a huge mistake.

And then we stopped kissing.

You would never be a huge mistake.

But we might have made the mistake
of screwing up a great friendship.

So... that's me. How was it for you?

Good.

Just good?
Far too good.

But then I started thinking about
how different your lips felt.

From Laura's?
Yep.

And I couldn't believe how two sets
of lips could feel so unlike...

yet still so lovely.

And then I realised that I was
kissing you and thinking of her.

It felt like I was cheating on you
and her all at the same time.

I became confused, as is my way.

As is your sweet, lovely way.

My head is still a problem,
I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry.
What for?

We had a date. We gave it a shot.

We came out relatively unscathed,
didn't we?

Relatively unscathed.

All that remains now is to
disappoint the rest of the village.

Yes. Really. Shall we?

Sorry to let you know, but...
There'll be no second date.

George, if you're looking
to rebound, I'm here for you.

Hannah!

It turns out the female kiwi,
in her own natural habitat,

calls most of the shots.

The hapless male can try all he likes

but if it isn't the right time
or place,

they must go their separate ways,
back into their natural habitat.

In the MacNamara family spirit of
giving to this community,

I'm happy to announce that
New Weld's Property Developments

is officially gifting
for the foreseeable future

this campground
back to the people of Weld.

It's all true?
Every last word.

In the wacky world of dating,

there are those who
can seize the day...

Are you working now?
Yeah.

Can I walk you to the boat club?

Auntie Fi?

- I'm walking with Arlo.
- OK.

..there are those who play the game
with a whole different rule book...

No, sorry, the Maori boy nod
doesn't work here anymore.

Am I not even at, like, stage one?

Not even close.

Wow. Brutal.

..and then there are those who play
by a rule book

they don't really understand.

Yeah, that'd be nice, us all having
a drink together some time.

Yeah, sounds great.
We should definitely do that.

Yeah, some time soon, for sure.

Cool.
Yeah.

And then there's me -

seemingly incapable of getting
into the game at all.

But maybe one day.
Maybe that will change.

I mean, a rooster never knows
his luck, right?