800 Words (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - Episode #2.10 - full transcript

There are certain significant
events that are marker posts,

as a relationship takes shape.

The first kiss;
the first time you do the nasty thing...

No - that's not what I said.

But it's what you meant.
Just type what I say.

(PRESSES KEY REPEATEDLY)
The first kiss.

The first night spent together.

(TYPES)

The first foray into public
as a couple.

My version was better.

Then, taking things
to a whole new level,



the first time you buy furniture.

As a couple.

It'd be a better story
if it was a bed.

If you had to buy a new bed 'cause
you, like, wrecked the old one.

We bought a table.

(TYPES)
No - don't type that.

Well, then you need to be clear on
when you want me to type or not.

In...

this case,

it was a table.

Because in this case, it wasn't
like we had a choice in the matter.

So, this dinner party is
officially real, then.

I guess it is.

OK. That wasn't here before.
I wouldn't read too much into it.



As in, actual work.

Oh, look at you two, eh?

Out for your morning constitutional.

You're like an old married couple!

Woody, I thought I might
find you actually working

but... no.

Hey, now, whoa, whoa, whoa. OK?
That... that was the old Woody.

Unreliable Woody.
He's been replaced, mate.

Tracey has got me so onto it.

I'm... (CHUCKLES)
..oh, I'm dangerous!

OK, like this morning,
when as your site foreman,

I got the call that this bad boy
was on its way from Stafford.

Um, that also wasn't here
when we left.

It wasn't! Tracey made me get out of
bed, get over here and make it so.

So it's Tracey who's
actually onto it.

Um, George, don't look a working
dishwasher in the mouth.

Yeah but he's right - yeah,
Tracey, she is so onto it!

I mean, day and night, flat out,

writing reports on other reports
about other reports.

Well, has she got time for dinner on
Saturday night, you reckon? Here?

To celebrate the new dishwasher?

What, you mean like a...

like a couples' dinner?

Yeah, I suppose. The four of us.

Does that work for you?
I'm my own boss.

I can make anything work.

Then round up Tracey and we're on.

I'm onto it! Catch youse later, eh?

See you, Woody.

See ya.
See ya.

Wow. Actual couples' dinner.

Are we ready for this?

I feel ready.

You?
Yeah.

Ready.

2x10

"Hosting a dinner party as a couple
makes a statement to the world.

"Especially when all the couples
at the party

"start swapping partners..."

Siouxsie.

It makes a statement
to the world that...

That what?

..that...

that you are a couple.

Wow. That's profound.
No, don't write that.

And as a couple, you realise that
you have social obligations...

and are prepared to be judged
as a couple

by how well
you live up to those obligations.

Dude, it's a dinner party,
not 'Game of Thrones'.

Oh, that's where
you are so very wrong.

"Firewood stacking champion's
freak injury"

or "Devil's elbow corner
reseal delayed"?

Just pick one.

Um...

Firewood.
Firewood it is.

You're not gonna fight me on that?
No.

I think coming into firewood season,
many of our readers

will be interested in
the bark-up, bark-down debate.

George, would you and Fiona

be interested in coming for dinner
Saturday night?

Tom thinks we should be more
social as a couple.

With other couples.

Well, that's a... that's
a lovely offer, Gloria,

but...

we already have people coming over
on Saturday night.

Oh. OK.

Another time, then.

But maybe you and Tom
could come to ours.

But Tom and Gloria
hardly ever go anywhere.

Well, they're coming for dinner
on Saturday night.

Are you OK with that?
Of course. Why wouldn't I be?

It's just that I thought, you know,
our thing has just become a...

A bigger thing.

By two people.
Well, a slightly bigger thing.

George, I'm fine with it
if you're fine with it.

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

Good. Dinner for six, then.

"And the thing about social
obligations

"is that where there is one,

"there are others
which can pile up like..."

Like?

Um...

You guys OK in here?

George can't finish sentences.

We're fine.
How are things out there?

OK. Enough with the water.
It's time for dressing.

Out of here.

(WINCES, SIGHS)

I can dress those.
We're good here.

I'm a trained paramedic.
(SCOFFS)

Don't you have 'social obligations'
to attend to?

They pile up.

Right.

So, how are things going
with you and George?

Fine, thanks, Ollie.

And, uh, how's Shay feeling
about having a new step-mum?

I'm not even remotely close
to being anyone's step-mum, Ollie.

Sorry. I just think you guys are
awesome for each other.

Thank you.

Hey!
Hi.

Hey, Katie.
Hi, Ollie.

Hey, can I just say
I think it's really cool

that you guys are being
so mature about it?

Mature about what?

Well, you went out
with George, right?

And now Fiona's shacked up with...

We only went out once.
I'm not "shacked up" with George.

Got it.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Hey, are you doing anything
on Saturday night?

Just... felt weird
not asking her, you know?

It's weird for you, isn't it?
No, not at all.

It's just, I have this thing
around dinner parties -

there should always be
an even amount of people.

Couples?

Not necessarily.

It's a conversational thing,
you know,

so everyone has someone to talk to.

Uh, look, I have to go now.

Can we talk about this later?

Sorry about that. Where were we?

Uh, you're looking
to do a fish thing

for your flash dinner on Saturday?

Not that flash but... yes.

Sure. I can go out Saturday morning.

Deliver them to your door.

What do you want? Crays? Snapper?

Kina?
(CHUCKLES)

Maybe not kina.

Actually, Zac,
would you like to come to dinner?

Was that wise?
It evened up the numbers.

Uh, Dad has a thing
about even numbers.

Fiona knows. I told her.

But Katie and Zac have history.

Oh, is that how they got Billy?

They'll be fine.
They're good in social situations.

Mmm, sometimes too good.
But what's done is done.

Well, you invited Katie.
What was I meant to do?

Where are we at with the numbers?

Eight.
Ten, including these two.

Oh, I'm out.
Literally, I will be out.

And I'm rostered on here.
I do have the power to change that.

Uh, that's fine. Yeah.
Dinner parties are... your thing.

So, eight, then.

What are we gonna feed them?

Well, I was thinking fish

but now I'm not so sure.

I just can't face it this year.

Face what?
The races.

Stafford Cup. The family box.

The horror.
Can't help you there.

I got out of that years ago.

I know. One of the lucky few.

I sent Robbie to jail
and your dad stopped inviting me.

If only I had that option.

From memory, you love the races!

Drinking too much, betting
on all the wrong horses...

It's different this year.

ROBBIE: Nice and naughty!
(MAN LAUGHS)

Hey, champagne and crayfish, Fiona,
and keep it coming.

I thought you weren't drinking.
Not for me.

It's for my brothers, actually,
who will be toasting me,

the one and only true
real estate agent in town,

who took the Whitfield property -
I think you might know it -

from first enquiry to sale
in a single day.

Boom!
Boom!

No shed, Monty!
Yeah, Monty!

Boom!
Boom!

(IMITATES MACHINEGUN FIRE)

Grenade!

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
Boom!

(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, I love my job.

Imagine that - worse -
all day Saturday.

If only I had an excuse
not to go this year.

Have you heard about
the dinner party, Monty?

Word has reached my ears.

But the races, they're a day thing.
This is in the evening.

Yeah but I need to groom,
to manscape.

It can be a pity invite.
I actually don't care.

Here you go.

Would you like
to come to dinner, Monty?

Yes.

You won't regret it, George.

And we're back to odd numbers.

Hannah can come, even things up,
if that's an issue.

It is, apparently.

Well, I have been wondering
why I wasn't invited.

Just because
I need you to work here.

Well, we have no bookings,
uh, 'cause of the races

and Michaela can cover.

It's a date!
Not a date, Monty.

Like a date.
No.

Even numbers. Sorted.
See you Saturday.

Yeah.

Wood-stacker's elbow?

Who knew that was a condition?

Slim pickings these days,
I'm afraid.

Still, it's not all bad

when the summer people go, George.

Gives you and I a chance
to do other things.

Things that matter.

Like...?
Like having a nice, long chin-wag.

Right some wrongs.
Try to make Weld a better place.

Mmm. I'd like that.

Good. How about Saturday night?

I've got people coming for dinner.

I know. Dinner party at yours.

Yeah - won't you be at the races
in Stafford?

Races in the afternoon,
dinner party at night.

The thing is, Big Mac, if I invite
you, I have a problem -

it's a numbers thing, you know?

With you, it'd be 11 -
an odd number.

It's a thing I have.

Odd numbers and dinner parties,
they... don't go together.

I hear you, George.
I'm a systems man myself.

I appreciate the support.

And a solution.

I can bring Rae.

Stafford Rae?

Ever since our glorious
cricket victory,

we've been mixing a little business
with rather a lot of pleasure.

(CHUCKLES) And what better time
to make it public?

Go out as a couple,

as you and the lovely Fiona
test your newfound love

in the crucible of fire.

It's a diner party, Big Mac.

Is it, George?

(CHUCKLES)

See you Saturday night.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

"These social obligations, by which
the community will judge you,

"as the hosts,
by the end of the night,

"begin with the guest list.

"Once the numbers are sorted,
it becomes all about the execution."

Ooh, I like the word 'execution'.

'Cause it's kind of like
what is actually happening.

Then... then strike that.

It all becomes about the planning...

Wimp!

..and managing the expectations...

Of the mob, baying for blood.

..of everyone involved.

12 people are never
gonna fit around that.

They could sit on each other's laps.

Monty would certainly
be in favour of that.

(CHUCKLES)
What are you gonna cook?

I haven't decided yet.

Well, we could always have it
at the boat club.

Seating problem solved.

Well, then it wouldn't be
a dinner party,

which is the whole point
of the exercise.

I thought the point was to get to
Sunday morning in one piece.

Yeah. That too.

You could do the corn thing.
That was brilliant!

I am not gonna do the corn thing.

At one party, Laura decided that
she wanted to do the vegies,

so she did this whole
cooked-corn-in-the-husk thing.

And the smoke billowing
from our oven set off the alarm.

We had to go round and open up
all the windows in the place.

The house stunk of smoke for weeks.

Yet once you got past the charred
outside, the corn was good.

Yeah. Yep, nah, the way I see it,
we have no choice.

You fancy a trip to Stafford?

Furniture shopping together!

Now, that's a milestone, isn't it?

Well, we could all go together.

Make it a CFO.
CFO?

Uh, 'compulsory family outing'

and it's a pass - I have to go pick
up my stationery pack from school.

Ooh, exciting!

So, you up for it?

Sure. Glad to be of help.

Great.

Hello!
Hi, Principal Dennis.

Crikey, don't call me that!
Actually, do - I quite like it.

Hey, um, what should we bring
on Saturday night?

Uh, you have to ask Dad.
It's not my department.

Fair point. You looking forward
to getting back to school?

Can't wait.

What a sucker. Inviting the
principal round for dinner?

Lame.

OK, Dad invited Woody,
she's with Woody

and I'm not actually gonna
be there - I'll be at work.

But don't let the facts
get in the way.

I never do.

Your dad's kind of fun.
Never been to a dinner party before.

You're kidding!

Oh, yeah, well, like, here people go
over to someone's house for a feed

but we don't call it a dinner party!

It's... Just sounds too posh.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Hi, Katie.

Hi, Ike.

Hey, Dad wants to know

if you wanted
a lift on Saturday night.

With him?
Uh-huh.

He hasn't got any ideas, has he?

I think he just wants to...
know if you wanted a lift.

Are you OK with the whole
Saturday thing?

Why wouldn't I be OK?
It's just a dinner party.

Recent history?

Might be recent but it is
most definitely history.

Oh, and I'm very much looking
forward to Saturday night.

It should be fun.

Tell your dad
I'll make my own way to the party.

And my own way home.

OK.

GEORGE: Do you think
this is big enough for 12?

If everyone gets cosy.

I suppose I could do finger food.

But that rather takes away
the whole point of a dinner party,

which is to sit and dine.

The table is big enough, George.
It'll do the job.

Of course, you do know
what this means.

I'm gonna have to buy some chairs.
For one dinner party?!

There aren't 12 chairs in my house.

George, I have a restaurant
full of chairs.

Of course. Genius. Problem solved.

I'm glad I can be of some use!

Sorry - is there a problem somewhere
I'm not aware of?

Whose dinner party is this, George?

Ours. Why?
Is it?

Are you sure about that?

Because so far, everything
that's come out of your mouth

has been 'I' or 'me'.

And yes, it is at your house,
so I do get it

but only up to a point.

Sorry - this is coming out wrong.

We shouldn't have this conversation
here and now.

Up to what point

do you get it?

This dinner party
that we are having...

who's doing the cooking?

I assumed me.
Yeah, you did.

You do - you'll cook
and I'll entertain the guests -

that's what you've assumed, right?

Well, you work in a restaurant
all week.

Where I entertain the guests
while someone else cooks.

True.

Sorry - I just assumed
that you wouldn't want to cook.

No, no - it's fair enough. It's
a fair enough assumption to make.

Even if that's not the reason
that you're making it.

That's the way you and Laura did it.

You being a rockstar in the kitchen
while she charmed the guests.

That sound about right?

Yeah, that... pretty much covers it.

Here's a news flash for you, Gorge.

Sometimes I'm not very charming.

Sometimes I can be rude and snippy

and it's best to keep me
far away from the guests.

Like in the kitchen, for example.

So do you want to do the cooking?
No!

I want US to do the cooking!
Oh.

I want us to take turns
charming the guests.

I want us to do this together.

Our way - whatever way
that turns out to be.

Do you think we can manage that?

Well, there's only one way
to find out, I guess.

SONG: ♪ We've got a long way to go

♪ But we got the energy

♪ Took a little while
to find reality

♪ We've come a long way, you know

♪ Living inside a dream

♪ Waking to find
that we are kings and queens

♪ We've got a long way to go

♪ But we got the energy

♪ Took a little while
to find reality... ♪

Do not make eye contact.
Do not make eye contact.

Someone's having a gathering!

Do love a good dinner party.

Oh, I was just saying to Sean the
other night how much I enjoy them.

OK. Numbers steady at 12. Good work.

You go do what you need,
I'll go do what I need,

meet back at your place and let the
preparations begin.

Sounds like a plan.

Bit tricky getting leave
for a Saturday night

but Stafford HQ have approved it.

Pleased to hear it.

It was a bit of an issue,
because it's Stafford's race day.

Yeah, I'm sure.

So. Dinner, George. Time?

7:30-ish.

Ish?
Yep. From 7:30.

Anything we should bring?
Just your good selves.

Take it as read. Anything else?

Well, a bottle of wine
is traditional in Australia.

As it is here. I won't consume,
as I will be driving.

But Gloria certainly will.
Yeah, good to hear.

Is, uh, Gloria coming in
to the office today?

Nope. She's devoting today
to making herself beautiful.

Oh, she doesn't need to do that!
Try telling her that.

There's something you should know.

With Gloria, when
it comes to small talk,

sometimes...

Oh, it just isn't small enough.

Just if it happens,

go with the flow, OK?

I will.

ROBBIE: Babe.

Not your babe.
Fi, hold up.

Fi!

What do you want, Robbie?
Come to the races with me.

I... Why are you even
asking me that?!

You know what the answer will be.

Yeah, dinner party,
blah, blah, blah.

You're not a dinner party person,
Fi. Face it.

It's nothing to do
with any dinner party -

everything to do with you.

Oh, come on. We have fun
at the races.

Remember that year you piggy-backed
that jockey round the birdcage

and you ran into that cop
and you all fell in the garden?

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up,

just when I was starting
to get over the shame!

Oh, come on - that was hilarious.

Give it up, Robbie.
It's never gonna happen.

He's not right for you.

Doesn't want the things you want.

And you're an expert, are you?
In the things I want.

Flag this dinner party nonsense
and come to the races.

You egg!

Got what you need?
Yep. You?

Yep.

So, where should we start?

How about... out with the old?

SIOUXSIE: Seriously, if you want to
go, I am happy to finish it for you.

No, no. It's all good.

What, that you're in here

and everyone else is out there

trying to breathe life
into the corpse?

All I'm saying is you've got a weird
definition of 'good'.

'Disaster' is more the word
I'd go for.

And then it is the day of the dinner
party, which, if you are the hosts,

is a day which speeds by,

almost like you are witnesses
to the events going on around you.

(TYPES)

It can be a thing of beauty,
two people concocting and conjuring

everything needed to pull off
a successful dinner party.

As a couple, if you can
pull off this trick,

your relationship can survive
almost anything.

♪ We've got a long way to go

♪ But we got the energy

♪ Took a little while
to find reality... ♪

Where were we?

"As a couple, if you can
pull off this trick,

"your relationship can survive
almost anything."

Oh. Even the guests.

No, don't write that.

Um...
(DELETES TEXT)

It almost seems a shame
that, inevitably,

these moments will be lost...

as the guests arrive

which, inevitably, guests will do.

Only me.
Monty!

Correct! Sorry - bit early.

Yeah, three hours.

Yeah, well, it was either this

or stay at home and help Siouxsie
clean the lime scale off the shower.

She didn't go to the races
with the rest of the family?

No, they won't let her.
Says she scares the horses.

There was an incident
a few years ago.

Wasn't it the year that you played
giddy-up with a jockey?

Can't remember.

And you brought wine.

Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly
sure of the menu

so, um, covered all the bases.
I can see that.

This is a lovely
feijoa dessert wine.

Yum.
Made that myself.

Made all these myself.
Bit of a hobby.

And that - rhubarb. It's got
a real... real zing to it.

Here, let me take care of these.

Can I get you a drink, Monty?
Or would you like one of these?

God, no. Beer's fine.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

Hannah here?
No. She's at work.

It's not a date.

At first it's not a date.

If you need any help with anything,
sing out.

Something smells nice.

BILLY: I think Mum
is on the verge of something.

Last night she tried on
all these outfits,

then this morning, drove to Stafford
to get a whole new outfit.

So? She wants to look good
for the party.

I... Mum hardly ever gets obsessed
with clothes like this.

The last time she did was... when
she was on that date with your dad.

It's just a dinner party.

But we're not used to dinner
parties in Weld.

So, are George and Fiona
at each other's throats yet?

Not that I saw. Should they be?

Cooking for 12? Give it time.

Right. Michaela will be here soon

and I'm off to make myself beautiful
for my date with Monty.

With Monty?!

Oh! Didn't you know about
me and the Mont-ster?

Oh, it's on. Big time.

Have fun, kiddies!

Oi! How are youse going, mate?
Everything's good, mate.

Hello!
Oh, I'm loving the new table, mate.

This is the kind of table

you sit around, solving
problems of the world.

Not all of them, surely!
Oh, no, no, no.

Never underestimate
the power of a good table.

Well, this table's all your fault
for getting this ball rolling.

Oh, well. We're gonna have to
christen her in style, eh?

Yeah, I'll have one of these.

How's it going with you two?

OK.

I'm surprised George actually
let you in the kitchen.

Hmm. He's getting
his head around it.

(MEN CHATTER WITHIN)

(CRASH!)

It just flew out. I'm so sorry!

It's OK.

My fault. I, um... mustn't have
put it in properly.

I guess it's lucky
crayfish is now on the menu.

Wow. Check you out!
You look hot! Is that new?

No! No, not at all.

You'll show that George
what he's missing out on, eh?

Ike!

It's not like that. I just felt like
dressing up, that's all.

And you look beautiful.

So go, have a good time

and enjoy sitting at our new table
with all the grown-ups.

New table?

Yeah, Dad and Fiona got it
from Stafford.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

That's very... adult.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you guys up to tonight?

Well, we... we've got a plan.

OK. Well, you guys have fun.

You too.

We have plans, do we?
Mmm!

You threw George's entree
on the floor?

It threw itself on the floor!
How'd he take that?

Come here often?
You can do better than that, Monty.

Out of practice.

He took it remarkably well

and I have alternatives, OK?

I... am putting plans in place,
as we speak.

Why you? It's his thing
that got trashed.

Well, George is greeting guest
at the moment.

Hi!
Hi!

Wow. Thank you.
It's, uh... it's beautiful.

I thought I should bring something.

(QUIETLY) Yeah.

And... you look amazing.

Oh, it's... it's just old.
It's nothing.

Oh! I see Fiona's doing
some of the cooking.

Uh, yes.

Isn't that your department?

Well, tonight
we're doing it together.

Oh! Hide the drugs, everyone -
the law's here!

Eh? (LAUGHS) 'Cause he's a cop!

I don't have any drugs.
And I am off duty.

Although were I to see crime,
I would still fight it.

Sorry we're late.

Are you?
(PHONE BUZZES)

A few minutes.

Time may wait for no man

but all men must wait for beauty.

Absolutely and, Gloria,
you look beautiful.

Thank you, George. See?
I told you he wouldn't mind.

Mmm.
Lovely arrangement.

Yes. Uh...
And a lovely new table too.

Tom and I were thinking
of getting a new table...

Oh?
..but then we decided not to.

Mmm.

Good. Good, good.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well,
help yourself to a drink.

And I'll be back soon.

Was that appropriately small
for small talk?

Perfect, ducky.

Handsome couple, aren't they?

I always felt
she was the one for him.

Ooh! Katie.

Nice frock.

Oop...

I figured, if your dad's
gonna introduce

such flash concepts
as dinner parties to Weld,

then... why should the old people
get all the fun?

I like your thinking so far.
Thank you.

So, what's on the menu, Mr Chef?

Nothing but the finest
local delicacy.

(LAUGHS)

Hi, Michaela. Uh, Arlo here.

You're rostered on to be
the duty manager tonight.

Uh... uh, OK.

Uh, have fun.

So, Michaela isn't here because
she's in Stafford at the races

in the members' bar

and she's not leaving any time soon.

So you need to call Fiona.

(SIGHS)

Nah. I don't want to ruin
their dinner.

But you're not qualified
or even old enough.

Tonight, I am.

And I know for a fact that the law
is at my place, eating.

I can be your assistant!
I studied food tech.

I can whip up a sauce
for the crayfish.

Uh, unless you want to, of course.
No, no, no.

No, you be the sauce guy.
I've done enough damage.

Don't. Don't do that.
It was an accident. We can adjust.

We can deal with it. We just don't
need any more surprises, that's all.

MAN: Lover, my friend!

Did you... invite them?

No.

Smiler!

You seem surprised to see us.

Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry, mate - forgot to mention.

I invited Smiler
and his lady friend.

Alice.

Uh, this is Alice,

my... "lady friend".

Hello.

Uh, Woody wasn't too clear
whether it's a pot-luck dinner,

so... palusami,
a traditional Samoan dish.

Tastes better than it looks.

And Pavlova, traditional
New Zealand dish.

Thank you.
Great! Fantastic.

Um, welcome.

You drive the ambulance, right?
Yes.

She's the one I told you about.
Hmm?

You know - the one
that drives too fast.

I don't drive too fast.

Well, traumatised patients you
deliver would beg to differ.

But the whole point of an ambulance
is to drive fast.

GEORGE: Why don't you
make yourself at home?

Dinner will be soon.

Great. (CHUCKLES)

It's not my fault
the roads aren't built for speed.

I think we have enough to go around

and there's some more chairs
in the kids' rooms.

Shit.

(SIZZLING)

Might be a bit of a tight fit
around the table but...

(PHONE BUZZING)

Oh, yeah.
She called before, actually.

Oh...

Jan.

You have to write another column.

Why?

You wrote about how much
you love freshly baked bread.

The feature article for this issue
is 'The Joy of Bread'.

It's like we're a pro-carbohydrate
propaganda sheet.

We can't have both.

Why didn't you tell me about
this earlier?

Because I didn't know you were also
going to write about stupid bread

until you delivered
this morning, did I?

So dump the article.
I'm not dumping a feature for you!

You need to give me
another column, tonight.

Tonight?!
Yes.

This issue has gone to hell already
so we're doing an all-nighter here.

I need it by 2:00am! Your time.

But I'm having a dinner party.
Then write about that.

Just don't write about bread.

Are you still mad at me?

No. I'm mad at the universe.

Bloody Jan! She says I have to write
another column. Tonight.

What?! Why?
I don't know.

Something about bread...
No, don't...!

(YELLS)
Oh!

(GROANS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

We need water!

Sorry we're late.
Have we missed anything?

(WINCES)
(GROANS)

You alright?
Aah, oh!

Not your best move.

No, it wasn't
but I have to get back to cooking.

Hey! Hands back under the water!

I have dinner to make!
Water!

It's fine. It hardly hurts.

(WINCES, GASPS)

You don't have to do that.
Oh, it's fine.

Actually, we do, George,

before someone slips in it
and really hurts themselves.

OK, George - the way we see it,

we've come to a crossroads
of the evening, alright?

Clearly, you're out
of commission, cooking-wise.

Just give me a few minutes
and I'll be back to...

We don't think so, George.

Also, everything you've cooked
has ended up on the floor.

You need to quit
while you're behind, mate.

And that goes for your beautiful
one-legged offsider as well.

So we reckon we could either
pack it in for the night...

Or we do a Weld-style dinner party

where we do things a little bit
different to the rest of the world.

Which is what?

Where the guests cook for the hosts.

Are... are you serious?
I couldn't let you do that!

But you're not exactly in a position
to stop us, are you, mate?

So, what - I'm just meant to
sit around and watch you cook?

Well, don't you have
a column to write?

Well, yeah but... it's not like
I can type, is it?

Give me five minutes.
I can fix that.

Her typing speed is freakish.

You could rap like Kendrick Lamar,
she'll keep pace, no problem.

Try me. I dare you.

I'll leave you two to it.

(SHUTS DOOR)

So, what's it about
this week, George?

Please say the cannibal clans who
live in the hills high above Weld.

Dinner parties.

WOODY: OK, everybody, listen up.

Now, everybody knows
what they're doing

but I want everyone to
remember why they're doing it.

For our good friends
George and Fiona.

No - because otherwise
we don't get a feed.

So come on - let's go!

Would you say this is typical
of a dinner party round here?

No.

Got yourself a good man there.

Now, not today but...

I never really considered myself
one of those women

that needed to "get a man".

And if I were, I don't think Woody
would have been on my radar.

(CHUCKLES) But yeah, I have.

So do you.

Really? The first thing we do
as a couple - complete disaster.

(SIGHS)
Is it?

I mean, apart from the injuries
and the tragic waste of food,

doesn't look like
much of a disaster to me.

So, what are the keys
to a good dinner party?

Not dropping the food on the floor

and/or injuring your hands
and the woman you apparently love

in the process.

Well, not "apparently" -
I do love her.

Do you? That's nice, George.

It's an evolving situation.

Should I be typing this?

People...

good people are required
for a great dinner party.

Interesting people with
interesting stories to tell.

People...

(CONTINUES TYPING)

..you care about.

(TYPES)

Must be strange for you.

Be difficult for it to get
any stranger.

GLORIA: Well, this is a jolly
evening, isn't it?

I was just saying to Tom that we
should go to more dinner parties!

Well, hopefully they're not
all like this one!

What are you talking about, Fiona?
This has been great!

Apart from the casualty list.

It's good to see you two out.

As far as couples go, you're
a bit of a mystery in this town.

Now, that's because we met after
I buried my husband in the backyard

but... (WHISPERS) ..Tom doesn't
really like to talk about it.

(LAUGHS)

Technically, what Gloria has said
is true.

But we need context.

The autopsy revealed
that her husband,

who was... not a nice man...

Awful.

..actually died of a heart attack,

not the injuries sustained
from the vacuum-cleaner hose.

So the charge was downgraded

because it is still illegal
in New Zealand

to bury a body in your backyard.

Unless there is no cemetery
or burial ground

within 32 kilometres...

32 kilometres of the place where the
person died or the body was buried.

So, yeah, that's how Tom and I met,

when I was in prison.

(CHUCKLES)

I ran a police-initiated
photography workshop for prisoners,

called 'PhotoCop'.
PhotoCop.

Ah.

Gloria had a very good eye
for detail and composition and...

Well... to cut a long story short,

we struck up a friendship

and the relationship developed
in the dark room.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

And upon her release, uh, the rest,
as they say, is history.

Yeah, well, it's not exactly

hitting the winning runs
in the cricket match

and then away we go

but... to each their own.

(LAUGHS) Cheers.
Cheers.

Excuse me.
Mmm.

Thank you. Have a good night.

Phew!

Piece of cake.
Easy as.

No, I mean we should have
a piece of cake.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

..as two dapper men in lovely suits
making a late charge for the bar.

Boom!

Holy smoke! We've got the midgets
on duty tonight.

Uh, espresso for me,
brandy for the big bro

and whatever the next
generation wants.

Chips. I'll have chips.

Uh, kitchen's closed, I'm afraid.

Are you two the only ones here?

No. You're here too.

Are you, like, in charge?

Yes. I am.

So if I wanted a vodka and soda,
you could get it for me?

Not gonna happen, I'm afraid.

I'll have a rum
if I can't have chips.

Definitely not gonna happen.

Give my boy a rum.
No-one will know.

Soda water it is.

Well, this is a bit of a shambles.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, Rae doesn't seem to mind.

Careful - or Zac will disappear
into the night with her

and get her knocked up,

given his track record.

That is very much up to her.

Rae and I have a, um...

friendly relationship.

With benefits.
Wherever possible.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

We missed you today.

The races were always much more fun
when you were there.

Don't go there.

He's a different boy now.

Seriously?

You're sitting in George's house,
telling me to get back with Robbie?

I'm just letting you know
you have other friends.

If things don't work out here.

GEORGE: Mostly you want to surround
yourself with the people you love

and who love you.

(TYPES)

The ones who will have your back

in case all of your food
ends up on the floor.

Everybody! Hey, we are doing
an outstanding job here.

This is gonna be a feast
for the ages.

I'm telling you, we're gonna be
talking about this

for years.

Woody!
Smiler.

I've got one question.
Yeah?

While you're saying the find words,

why are you standing in a puddle?

Hey?

(GUESTS MURMUR)

ROBBIE: Another brandy, thanks.

I'm sorry. I can't serve you.

Say what?
I can't serve an intoxicated person.

I'm stone-cold sober.

But the drink is for your brother,

who is not.

You're not even an actual
bar manager, mate.

Still know the law.

(PHONE RINGS)

What?
How drunk is your brother?

Oh, he's about a 7.5. Why?

So he can still do basic plumbing?
Yeah, easy. Why?

Get him and his gear
to the Turner place, now.

Alright. We're leaving.

I want my brandy!

No, you don't. We're out of here.
Come on. Chop-chop.

Keep the change.

BILLY: What you just did

was the most awesome thing
I've ever seen.

What's the word count now?
784.

OK. Uh, slight delay
on the dinner front,

in that the person who
installed the dishwasher,

who some, unfairly,
are calling an idiot

because he's not
an actual plumber,

he kind of did it wrong.

But there's an actual
plumber here now

so it's gonna be all sweet.

Jeez, George. Sounds like a cock-up
from beginning to end, mate.

Just as well I'm here
to save the day, eh?

(MUSIC AND CHATTER WITHIN)

Just 16 more words, George,

for the magic 800.

Just 16 more.

(LOUD POP MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

(LAUGHTER)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, how's the column coming, George?

Yeah, almost there.

(GIGGLES)

Good to, um... (LAUGHS)
..good to know!

(SIGHS) OK. Stop being
so bloody nice.

Just go out there and tell Robbie
that he has to go.

You can thank us later for
saving the day there, George.

I thought you might have wanted him
to stay for dinner.

God, no! Why would I want that?

He's the past.

You and I are the couple now.

The people you love -

surround yourself with them...

and they will see you right
every... time.

Acceptably nauseating, I guess.

(DOOR OPENS)
WOODY: Ah!

And dinner, as they say, is served.

SONG: ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Twenty-four-hour party people

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ And the beat goes
four to the floor

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Twenty-four-hour crazy mental

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ And the beat goes
four to the floor

♪ Whoa, oh... ♪

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SINGS OPERATICALLY)

Don't touch her, Monty.
Monty, now go!

Thank you very much for having me.

Is he giving you a ride?
No, I'm driving myself.

Yes, yes... May... maybe.

(LAUGHS)
Hey!

Bye!
I broke a...

Bye! Thank you for coming.
..I broke a cup.

That's alright.
See ya!

♪ And the beat goes
four to the floor... ♪

I can't believe they tidied up.

None of the dinner parties
in Sydney...

No-one ever tidied up.

(SLOW BLUES PLAYS)

Dance with me?
Is that even possible?

We'll figure it out.

Well, that was a bloody disaster.

Complete and utter bloody disaster.

And also possibly the best
dinner party ever.

Possibly?

Definitely.

You know what else?
What?

It's Sunday morning.

Which means...

We survived.

As a couple.

That we did.

♪ Hey, down in splendour

♪ Take a bow

♪ Blinded in the white light

♪ And the crowd

♪ Die slowly in your arms

♪ You're left to lie alone

♪ And save your face
of changing colour

♪ And your smile of fading colour

♪ 'Cause you'll never know another

♪ Who will give you ever after... ♪