800 Words (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

"Logically, the best
place to start the story

"of the new beginning

"is at the beginning.

"But where is the beginning?

"I guess the beginning is that I'm back.

"I went away for a while

"because our lives changed and
decisions needed to be made.

"And the rule about decisions,

"especially big, life-changing ones,

"is that opinion is always divided."

Well, first, it's, uh...
it's great to see everyone.



Great to see the house
so full of life again.

It's, uh... it's been far
too quiet these last months,

without our Laura.

When she died, we... we all
lost someone we love, obviously,

and... and that was hard on
all of us, yeah, especially...

.. Shay and Arlo...

But the truth of the matter
was that in our grief,

we... we stopped, we...

We just stopped living.

I mean, everyone here was great --

you know, our friends,
family, amazing support --

especially Laura's
parents, Roger and Trish.

Thank you.

But deep down...



.. something needed to change.

- New Zealand?
- We bought a house there.

- In New Zealand?
- Yep.

- For an investment?
- For us to live there.

Where suddenly, magically,
everything will be alright?

Where, hopefully, we can
move on, instead of this --

this... this standing
still, in the silence.

- What, we just forget about Mum?
- No, of course not.

She's gone -- you want to cut
everyone else out of our lives?

I want us, as a family,
to get on with living.

By moving to the arse end of the world?

Oh, great idea, Dad.

It's not the arse end of the world, Shay!

Actually, it kind of is.

Geographically.

But, as the idea became an inevitability

and... this house was sold,

it, you know... it started to sink in...

I'm staying here!

No, no, no. You can't stay here.

Fine. I'll get my own
place. I'm old enough!

No, you're not. We're going to
New Zealand, Shay, as a family.

That is a fact. So get on board with it.

Now as the inevitability
has become a reality,

it's time to raise our glass.

To moving on...

.. and starting over.

The host in hiding.

- Bad host.
- No.

It gives everyone out there
a chance to talk openly

about how you're off your rocker.

Is that her sorted?

Yeah. Would have been more.

But somebody already raided the shoes.

She did give good shoe, that girl.

- Mm-hm.
- Even back in uni.

Excellent taste in shoes.

- You taking this lot with you?
- No, it's going into storage.

For when you come back?

When I have time to come back
and sort through everything.

Ah, you see, that's one of the
problems when you run away.

- The loose ends.
- It's the right decision, Jan.

Well, the consensus out
there is that buying a house,

sight unseen, in a whole other country,

is completely barking mad.

Yeah, I know what they think,

and it was an entirely rational decision,

made after much careful thought,
and it's not sight unseen.

It's the house I holidayed in
when I was a kid. It was a sign.

Well, while you're over there,

doing whatever you need to do, going mad,

can you do me a favour and start
writing your column again?

- No.
- Oh, come on, George!

People loved your column,
and when I say 'people',

I mean the annoying readers
who are still giving me grief

because... your words of
wisdom aren't there anymore.

They were never words of wisdom,

and as much as I enjoyed writing it...

.. things have changed.

Oh, that's so lovely. Did
you have a nice time?

Yeah. It was really good.

Now, if you ever need
anything, you just call us, OK?

Like money?

Even if you just feel unhappy
and you want to come home.

OK. I think I'll like New Zealand.

Unless the volcano erupts.

- There's a volcano?
- Yeah.

The whole middle of the North Island

is basically a caldera
just waiting to blow.

Oh, dear.

He so takes after his father.

Yeah, I do.

That's just genetics.
Is... is that a bad thing?

'Cause sometimes when I
hear you talking about Dad,

it's like you think that
it is, and I don't get that.

I get that you don't think
what Dad's doing is right,

but, then, you haven't actually seen

how awful it's been since Mum died.

Arlo, it's OK.

So, after that, I reckon if Dad thinks

we should move to New Zealand, then...

.. that's what we should do.

If that's what's gonna
make us happy again.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Our offer stands.

You go to New Zealand. You
do what you need to do.

- But leave the kids with us.
- They need a stable environment.

Yes, they do, with me.

♪ I worry every day

♪ About everything and nothing at all

♪ And I wonder if you'd ride

♪ The bullet Or you'd fall

♪ If only we were allowed to be

♪ I would promise myself away

♪ If only life weren't a sad, sad movie

♪ Just for a day

♪ We would ride away

♪ Away

♪ I guess I'll say goodbye

♪ To the lovers in my mind... ♪

"The experts on this stuff reckon

"some of the most stressful things in life

"revolve around death, buying
and selling real estate,

"emigrating and international travel.

"Only an idiot would do all
these things at the same time."

Look at that view. Isn't it amazing?

Yes!

The first time my parents
drove this road --

it was way worse back then
-- I spent the whole trip

sitting in the back gutsing
on Fanta and Twisties.

Got to the bit where
it gets tight and turny,

before you drop down into the town,

and the result was not
pretty, and very orange.

Shit!

- Dad!
- Dad!

- Dad, what are you doing?
- It's tangled. Unplug it!

I'm trying!

Uh...

- Everyone OK?
- On what level?

Well, that was unexpected.

Oh, my God! No.

Is this some kind of local greeting?

- Is everyone alright?
- Yeah, I believe so.

My sculpture kinda got away on me.

- It's OK, Mum. I called 111.
- Oh, Billy, did you have to?

Welcome to Weld, mate.

So... this thing has a name, does it?

- The sculpture?
- Yeah.

- Alright, guys.
- 'Ake te whenua'.

Good response time.

Would it be quicker if I
wrote it for you, Tom?

Oh, cheers. Thanks, Katie.

Does the insurance on the rental car

cover getting smashed by a sculpture?

I'm sure there's a clause.

- You need some help?
- Nah, we're sweet.

Let's get that bloody
rock on that truck, boys.

I'm so sorry. Not exactly a
flash start to your holiday.

We're not on holiday. We're moving here.

- Really? From where?
- Sydney.

- To Weld?
- Yep.

- Is it a work thing?
- No.

- Then why?
- Exactly.

- Long story.
- Oh.

And here comes Fiona, to
tend the dead or dying.

Hi. My name's Billy. What's your name?

- Hey. I'm Arlo.
- Arlo.

Arlo. Yeah.

- What's the status?
- No status, Fiona.

- Car vs sculpture. Art wins.
- Right.

- And the occupants?
- Yeah, here.

No whiplash or any other
impact-related injuries?

You're sure?

We'd stopped when it rolled into us.

We may have even been going backwards.

Fine. Good. Pleased.

'Cause it could have been quite nasty.

Could have been a serious tragedy.

- As opposed to a fun tragedy?
- I'm gonna do the paperwork.

Is it OK if we remove the murder
weapon from the crime scene?

Go for your life.

Suppose you want us to
take this back up the hill?

Yes, Zac. This time, put it on properly.

And suddenly this is all my fault.

Some things never change.

Let's go, boys.

Can I stay here with my friends?

Sure. I'll see you at home for tea.

Your problem, not mine.

I can tell you all the
cool things about Weld.

That won't take too long.

If you have any problems
with the rental car people,

tell me, and I'll sort them out.

- Thank you.
- And I'm sorry, again.

No problem.

Back to the launch site, boys!

See you later, George and the
rest of the other Turners.

- Yeah, see ya. Thank you.
- Did he say George Turner?

- Yes.
- George! Monty McNamara.

- Pleased to finally meet you.
- Monty from McNamara Realty?

- The other end of those emails?
- In the flesh.

And pleased to meet a satisfied customer.

- Apart from the car, of course.
- Well, yeah.

G'day, kids. How's New
Zealand treating you so far?

Monty is the real estate
agent who sold us our house.

You got a real catch there. Lot
of interest in that property.

Yeah, and we are very much
looking forward to our new home.

It's just a question of getting there now.

- Indeed.
- Excuse me.

Could I get a quick shot of the family?

Or the victims, I suppose you'd say.

- By the car?
- Yeah, sure.

Stand right beside the car there.

- This for evidence?
- For the local paper.

Just the family, thanks, Monty.

Cheers.

And what about the car?

The bloke from Stafford's coming through.

He'll take your car to
the rental offices there.

Right. Uh, yeah. We just need to
get our stuff up to the house.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll get you there in style.

- Can we put the siren on?
- Sure thing, young Billy.

You know where it is.

OK, I'm gonna go back and get the others.

Go down to that surf shop. Talk to Hannah.

She's got a car you can use.
I'll help with the luggage.

Then I'll grab the keys to the
house and I'll see you there.

Alright, you guys wait here.

Oh. Phone reception kinda sucks in town.

Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.

No-one really knows why.

- So how do people communicate?
- Telepathic powers.

- Hannah?
- That depends.

Um, Monty said I should
talk to someone called Hannah

about a car -- we had
a bit of an accident...

Are you the Aussies that
crashed into Katie's sculpture?

Uh, well, strictly speaking,
it crashed into us, but...

- Well, you know about that?
- Word gets around.

Anyway, we need a car, and Monty
said that you could lend us one.

Lend? Did he also tell you
I'm trying to sell this car?

No.

Well, what if...

.. while you're lending it,

I miss out on someone wanting to buy it?

- I don't know.
- I need the money from that car.

Studying oceanography isn't cheap.

Well, I suppose I could
rent the car from you,

if that would help.

The reception's even
worse up where you live.

You know where we live?

Everyone knows about

the Aussies who bought Steve's place.

Man! I had no idea
Hannah's car still went.

Can we get the fire engine back?

It's temporary.

Did my girl sell you that crap car?

No, no, I rented it.

Man, she's got some balls.

- Your mum wants you home.
- OK.

Don't let Constable Tom
see you driving that.

- See yas.
- Yeah. See ya.

It's fine. It will be fine.

And it just keeps getting better.

Is there no honesty in real estate?

Hey, hey, hey! Isn't she a peach?

It's not the word I'd use.

"Work in progress" springs to mind,

although the photos on your
website exclude this fact.

I'm selling real estate, George,
not making a documentary.

It's a chance to really stamp
your personality on the place.

- Shall we go inside?
- Hang on. What about the view?

Beautiful Parata Bay. Some
of the best surf in the world.

- Right here.
- So why can't I see it?

Well, you could, if you
bowled those trees.

But they're natives and,
therefore, protected.

Why do you have a picture of
the view if there isn't one?

So you'll find, George, at the
bottom of the page somewhere

that it says the photo is
not taken -- there it is --

on the actual property and
is, therefore, indicative.

Come on. Let's go inside.
Front door's round the back.

That's burnt furniture.
Steve and Jo did that.

Uh, so we'll probably get that
moved. Or burn it some more.

OK, here's the back door.
Lovely shady spot here.

Just watch that moss. It's quite slippery.

It's also a very rare lovely species.

Probably protected. Ha!

OK, watch that step.
That's a work in progress.

OK, moment of truth.

Yep. All good.

Actually, they've, uh, done
a good job of tidying it up.

You wouldn't believe how
some people leave them.

- This is not the house I bought.
- Yes, it is.

Paperwork right here to prove it.

- No. This is not it.
- It's the furniture, isn't it?

I know Steve said he was gonna leave some

until yours turned up, but, uh...

There was a little bit of marital tension.

Well, 'divorce from hell'
would be more accurate. Anyway.

Steve and Jo argued over the
furniture, and Steve burnt it.

- Sorry.
- No. It is not the furniture.

It's more the bogus photos
that only tell half the story.

Yes. It's the half that makes
you feel good about things.

That is my daughter Siouxsie.

She's got a real talent for the lens.

Look, think of the positives,
guys. It's got good bones!

It's a real scope to
really express yourselves.

- This is not the house I bought.
- Yes, it is!

No, in our emails, we
talked about the place

I used to holiday in when I was a kid.

Yeah. Golden weather of our childhood.

Days were longer. Skies were bluer.

Ice-creams creamier. Girls...

No, no, this... this is not the
house my parents used to rent.

You seemed pretty confident
about it in your emails.

Yeah, yeah, well, it looked
like it in the photographs,

but the place that we rented
was bigger, better, had a view.

Are you talking about the Whitfield place,

about six houses up the hill?

Like this, but bigger and better

and had a view to die for.

They used to rent it out in the summer

while they were visiting
their kids in London.

Nightmare.

George...

You understand what 'unconditional' means,

don't you?

- He bought the wrong house.
- Yes, Arlo.

Our father managed to buy
entirely the wrong house.

- How is that even possible?
- And yet he managed it.

- No signal. Of course.
- No, there has to be.

Thanks.

Once you settle in,
you're gonna love Weld.

It's a great place to bring up kids.

- 'Bye, kids.
- OK, let's get the bags inside.

Then we'll head back down
to get some supplies.

If anyone wants to say anything,

now is probably a good time.

- The fish is good.
- Mmm.

It didn't occur to you to rent
a house -- a furnished house --

for a few months while we looked
around for somewhere to buy?

Preferably one that's finished, has power

and more than one toilet?

That's what Mum would have done.

Monty promised the power
will be on tomorrow.

"And when you make big,
life-changing decisions,

"you get used to the voices of opposition

"and tune out the loud ones."

- But I bagsed that room!
- Too bad. It's mine.

That's not fair! That
one doesn't have a door.

Too bad. Life's not fair. Deal with it.

"Then there is a little voice in your head

"that says you've made
the biggest mistake ever.

"Then you pray for a silver lining."

You don't do that here.

Surfing. So you need to go back that way.

Yeah, my mistake. Um...

I'm new here.

But now you know.

Yeah.

You one of them blokes?

Takes up surfing when they're middle-aged

'cause they think it'll
change their lives?

- I've surfed before.
- When?

That's not the point.

Well...

.. kind of is, right at this moment.

That car of yours is a lemon!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Stand up! Stand up!

It's alright. You're safe.

Jeez, mate! Serious loss of dignity.

You OK, mate?

Well....

- Well, I'm alive, thanks to you.
- Yeah, no worries.

But over and above that...

.. I'd have to say...

I'd have to say no. No, I'm not OK.

I've just ruined the lives
of my entire family.

You know, they're still getting
over the death of their mother.

So, what do I do? I take them...

I take them away from everyone
they know and they love,

and I bring them here, to this place,

a place they will never fit in,

and all for a lie.

I told them it was so we could
have a fresh start, which is...

.. which is true, but it's
not the complete truth,

because the real reason we came here...

.. was because I want to surf.

I mean, I could have... I
could have stayed in Australia

and surfed there, but no,
no, no, I had to come here,

to this beach, where I... where
I failed to surf as a kid.

And that is the real reason we are here,

and I... and I have lied to my
children to make it so, and...

And that makes me the
worst father in the world.

So no. No, I am... I'm not OK.

Surfing didn't get off to
the greatest start either.

- Did it?
- No, it did not.

Plus I can't believe you
bought Hannah's crap car.

Well, I didn't buy it. I rented it.

What, so she took the money, kept the car?

No, but she needed the
money for her studies.

- Oceanography.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you call surfing oceanography.

But, then, what would
you call oceanography?

This isn't really making
you feel any better, is it?

- No, it is not.
- Then I'll tell you what.

- Don't worry about the board.
- What board?

Well, my board. The one
you just destroyed.

Those were your boards in my shed?

Wetsuit too. You didn't piss in
that while you were panicking?

Well, what were your
boards doing at my house?

Oh, well, strictly speaking,
they were at Steve's house.

And then Steve left and
they just kind of stayed.

I like to keep one handy
in case I hear it going off

while I'm working.

- Working as what?
- Oh, I'm a builder.

You were doing all the work on my house?

Yeah.

It doesn't look like
anything's been done for months.

Oh, I wouldn't say months.
More like eight weeks.

- Yeah, two months.
- It was the vibe of the place.

Steve's divorce was going toxic.
He was just crying all the time.

And then he started drinking.

Drinking, crying.

Yeah, it wasn't a healthy
work environment for me.

Anyway, George, nice to meet you, mate.

And, like I said, don't
worry about the board.

- It was a bit of a dunga anyway.
- How do you know my name?

Well, word got around
there's a fellow refugee

from the Lucky Country in town.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

- Oi, oi, oi.
- Yeah. Anyway, I'm Jeff.

Everyone calls me Woody. No idea why.

Because you're a builder?

Possibly.

I made you a sandwich, dickhead!

Hey, I need you to come here.

- What?
- Come here!

- Where are you?
- I'm in the toilet.

I'm not going in there
while you're in there.

Nah, I'm not doing anything.

Did you discover internet?

In the night, when I got up to pee.

This is the only place in the
house I could get coverage.

Look what I found.

Dad, the name of the boat
bringing our furniture

is the 'Titania', right?

Yeah, it docks in Tauranga today.

It'll be a couple of days

before our stuff clears Customs, though.

No, uh, it won't.

We should have seen the omens.

- What?
- 'Titania'.

You change the last 'A' for a 'C'...

♪ To the other side

♪ You get yourself into a
better place and live your... ♪

Oh, hello there! You must
be, uh, Shane and... Marlo.

- Shay. -- Arlo.
- Yeah, no worries. I'm Woody.

The dude who saved
George's life this morning.

- This morning?
- Yeah.

After he had an epic surfing fail.

Hey, there he is! G'day, mate.

I felt so sorry for you, sitting
on the beach all broken-arsed.

I thought I'd get up here
asap, get stuck into it.

OK, uh, Woody, whoever you are,
we're just kind of dealing with

the fact that our furniture
is at the bottom of the ocean.

No way! Your stuff was on the 'Titanic'?

- 'Titania'.
- Yeah, well, same end result.

Mate, when you decided
to come here to surf,

the whole universe decided to
take a big dump on your head.

I'm sorry? To surf?

Oh. Shit.

Deep, dark secret, right.

- You need to go now, Woody.
- Yeah, no worries.

OK, everything I said about
wanting to make a fresh start,

that was also true -- the surfing
thing was just a minor part.

Then why are you acting
all guilty about it?

Like when you bought that
really expensive mountain bike

and tried to hide it from Mum.

Bike that's now at the
bottom of the ocean,

along with everything else we own.

I'll get onto the insurance
company as soon as

I can get somewhere
where I can use my phone.

What does it matter?
All our stuff is gone.

You do understand what I
mean by 'stuff', don't you?

The stuff that was important to us.

The stuff that made our house a home.

Stuff that reminded us of Mum.

The stuff, the home, Mum, all gone.

So, what does it matter?

Yeah, well, that's not my fault, love.

But everything else is.

That's not fair.

None of this would have happened

if Mum was around.

She was the one who did everything,

who kept everything going in this family.

You don't even have a real job.

So, what are we meant to do now?

You do know they have
waves in Australia, right?

"Sometimes with big decisions,

"there is a need to go backwards,

"to reclaim the things
you've lost along the way."

- Monty McNamara.
- Not here.

- Where is he?
- Boat Club, lunch.

Right.

Is that the one just down by the wharf?

- Woody. Woody.
- Yeah?

You promised that those shelves
would be done two weeks ago.

- Yeah, and they will be.
- Well, how?

- Have you got a time machine?
- Well, no.

- No.
- Hey, George! Brother!

Not my favourite person right now.

- Yeah, understood.
- Hey! Watch it.

Also not my favourite person.

And then the Pope says,
"Lemmings? What lemmings?!"

- We need to talk.
- Yep. Um... Later at the office?

Sorry, you in a business
meeting right now?

Yes, indeed.

Not the best place to be
discussing misrepresentation?

Enjoy the scallops.

Our newest resident isn't happy.

Well, I'd be pissed off too if
I'd just bought Steve's house.

Yeah, well, I'm sure your taking
advantage of him hasn't helped.

Nah, George's problems go way
deeper than houses and cars.

He opened up to me. It all
started when his wife died.

Are you sure this isn't
post-purchase dissonance?

- No, it's not.
- 'Cause I see it all the time.

Tell you what I tell the others.
You've got three options.

Is you taking the house back
and returning my money one?

God, no. No, that deal's
done -- Steve and his ex-wife

are happily arguing over the proceeds.

No, that boat has sailed,
my friend. Option one.

Remember what you loved about
the house when you bought it.

I loved the fact it wasn't
the house I ended up buying.

Option two -- sell the house.

I'll happily re-list it for you
first thing in the morning.

Why on earth would I give
you another commission?

I've sold it once. Stands to
reason I can sell it again.

Option three -- run with it.

Turn it into the house of your dreams.

In other words, I have no options.

There are always options, George.

Sometimes they just don't
look as flash at the time.

You can see his pain.

So, what do we do now?

Don't know. Don't care.

- Kia ora, Arlo.
- H-hello.

- Chur, buddy.
- Hello.

I thought I'd pop round and
see how you're settling in,

bring you a little something
to say sorry about the car.

- Is your dad in?
- No.

Oh.

Is everything OK?

My telepathic powers say no.

My sister's a little bit upset right now.

But thanks for the cool little
sculpture. It's awesome.

Why don't you boys pop outside
and leave us girls to talk, eh?

Don't worry -- whatever's
wrong with your sister,

my mum will fix it.

- Well, I don't think so.
- She will.

She's awesome when it comes
to women and their feelings.

- It's just men she's crap at.
- Well, she hasn't met Shay.

When Shay clams up, nothing gets through.

I'm 17! I'm meant to be
having a life. Not this!

Arlo?

Shay?

Anyone?

Did you set fire to Hannah's car?

No. It set fire to itself.

'Cause when I heard the
address, I thought you'd gone

to option four -- insurance job.

Not that I'd assume that you'd
do such a thing, obviously.

Hey, well done, boys. Well done.

- I didn't, by the way.
- Top response time.

If you did, you've done
the world a favour,

getting that piece of shit off the road.

Yeah.

So it is true.

You snapped and went all
'Firestarter' on Hannah's car.

- No, it set fire to itself.
- Oh, yeah, I can also see that.

Hey -- do you reckon the
volunteer fire department

runs to lend me a hand
with shifting stuff?

- What stuff?
- The furniture I scored for ya.

You know, just until you get new stuff

when the insurance money comes through.

You did remember to insure
the stuff on the 'Titanic'?

Yes, Woody, I did remember that.

Ha-hey! You got something right! Nice one.

Hey, Monty! Can you get the
boys to give me a hand?

Alright. Is this the coffee
table from the Bryson place?

Uh, yeah.

- Always admired this table.
- Yeah, it's good.

Hey, Woody, where did you
get this furniture from?

There's heaps of houses empty
round here this time of year.

- You stole it?
- No!

I left notes explaining the situation.

It'll be sweet.

Hey.

Katie said you're having
communication problems

with the outside world.

Go take a look.

That's my son Ike. He's the
brains of the operation.

I appreciate it. I don't know
if we'll be in Weld to need it.

That's not what I heard.

It's OK. No-one's injured here.

I'm aware of that.

- This is for the party.
- What party?

The Welcome to Weld party.

You torched my car.

- I did not. It torched itself.
- Go inside. Blame later.

I don't think a Welcome to Weld
party is a good idea right now.

Well, apparently when you
think, it goes to custard,

so... my advice would be to stop thinking.

- Hi, George.
- Welcome, George.

- G'day, George. Welcome to Weld.
- G'day, George.

- G'day, mate.
- Hello.

Normally, I'm not a fan of consumerism

as a quick fix for a troubled heart,

but there are times when
shopping is the only therapy,

so we took a trip to Stafford.

- You OK?
- Yeah. I'm always OK.

Improving. Marginally.

Looks like you got a party on your hands.

Yeah, not sure how that happened.

This is Weld. You put the word out...

- And word gets round.
- You're learning.

- Here you go, mate.
- Thanks, Woody. Cheers.

"I guess where you live
and why you live there

"are secondary to who you're living with,

"because, after all...

".. they're the most
important things in life."

Well, looks like we've been
adopted into the community

whether we want it or not.

So do we?

Want it or not?

Why didn't you tell us the real
reason you dragged us here?

All that stuff about wanting
a fresh start, that was real.

We mean about the stupid surfing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Because it would have sounded stupid.

Because it's very difficult to explain

without it sounding stupid.

Because it all started with something

that your mother always said, and...

.. it hurt me too much to try
and put it into my own words.

Stuff about time being precious,
she used to go on about.

Yeah. That stuff.

And, boy, didn't that
turn out to be right, eh?

So it wasn't just her cunning plan

to get me out of my bedroom?

No.

Your mother was a believer

that life is there for the living

and if you don't go after what you want,

you're gonna spend a whole lot of time

in regret when you get old.

Like learning to surf.

Yeah, like that.

Sorry -- I wish I'd found the
words to explain all that to you

before we got here.

Well, we still would have hated the idea.

True. And you need to work
on your communication skills.

Especially if we're gonna
be stuck in this dump

for the foreseeable future.

Yeah, and get a job. Otherwise,
we'll starve to death.

Yeah. You're our father.
Start behaving like one.

Alright. You're up and
running. Wi-fi up the wazoo.

- The world at your fingertips.
- Thank you for that.

My ex made it clear my life
would not be worth living

if I didn't do a favour
for the new fella in town.

You gotta watch the
women around here, bro.

They're real crafty at
getting their own way.

I'll remember that.

'Scuse me.

Want to stay for a beer?

Apparently, we're having a party.

Be rude not to.

What's your problem now?

You wouldn't understand.

Hey, Woody. What are you doing?

Oh, we got heaps to do if
we're gonna get you fixed up.

- Me?
- And the house.

"So I find myself in this
strange little country

"at the arse-end of the world,
surrounded by strange people,

"with a whole new set
of responsibilities..."

Can I pay you the same amount
but in New Zealand dollars?

I do know how the
exchange rate works, Jan.

Are you still gonna be weird and anal

about every column being
exactly 800 words?

That's why it's called '800 Words'.

You drive a hard bargain,
but OK. I'll take you back.

You're too kind.

Also, like I said, you are clearly mad,

so it will be good therapy for you.

Well, I'm glad you've got
my best interests at heart.

Oh, always.

So, what's the first column
of your new incarnation

going to be about?

Rash decisions.

"And at the end of the day,
when the new beginning has begun,

"it's the new people in your
world who define a new start.

"They make your rash
decision stand or fall."

- Hello.
- Hello.

"It always comes back to
the people in your life."

I recommend the prawns.

"I now live in another
country, in a town called Weld,

"which is where my rash
decision has led us."

- New car?
- Yeah, bought it in Stafford.

"Opinion is still divided as
to the wisdom of this decision,

"but for now, this...

".. kinda dead-end town
on the edge of nowhere

"feels right...

".. like home."

Hm.