7th Heaven (1996–2007): Season 3, Episode 8 - No Sex, Some Drugs and a Little Rock 'n' Roll - full transcript

I'll take a cup too.

Coffee's not for kids.

Jordan, trust me, you have
to throw out the plaid shirt.

It makes you look like a farmer.

No! All plaid is ugly.

I don't care where you bought it.

Okay, then. You look like
a farmer who shops at the Gap.

I have to go.

We need to keep
the phone line open.

Sometimes your father
has emergencies

and people need
to be able to get through.



Don't worry.
I'll just go up to my room

and string together
a couple of cans.

Okay.

- You're no fun.
- Tell your story walking, kid.

I don't want to interrupt
your piano practise.

Oh, it's okay. I've already
put in my required four minutes.

- What's up?
- This is gonna blow you away.

I just got a call from
my old high-school band.

- They're coming to Glen Oak.
- To do a concert?

- Concert, gig, whatever.
- Oh, that's nice.

This is the cool part.
They're staying with us.

Yet they're not staying with us.

- You bet they're not.
- They have an RV.

A recreational vehicle.



I would have called you,
but the line's been busy.

Lucy!

Don't forget,
I have practise after school.

I thought you told me
they were refinishing the gym.

Well, they are, but Diane organised
a practise for the team

at the park court
next to her father's house.

Diane is totally intense this year.

She does all
the regular school workouts

and then practises at night
by herself.

Well, that's great,

but remember
there's more to life than basketball.

Not according to Diane.

Were you up all night studying
for your political-science midterm?

At least, I think it was poli-sci.

Well, if you're too tired
to remember what you studied,

how much good can it do?

I'm gonna be at the library all day

with my group,
but I'll be home for dinner.

Okay.

- Would you like some cream?
- Yes, please.

So when did you
start drinking coffee?

Me, drink coffee? Me, drink coffee.

I'm sorry. I'm so exhausted,
I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, why are you so tired?

Because Mr. Chatterbox
was up all night.

I have dolls
that talk less than he does.

And the dolls, I can lock in a trunk.

You know, I'll be right back.
I forgot...

...something.

You drank my coffee last night,
didn't you?

All right, how much?

A couple of cups. Maybe more.

Look, I told you coffee's not for kids.

It has caffeine,
which can be addictive.

Oh, great, an addict at 12.

I wonder who'll play me
in the TV movie.

I doubt you're addicted
after just one night of drinking coffee.

I heard denial
is the first sign of addiction.

Oh, yeah? What's the first sign
of mental illness?

Look, just go to school and stay away
from coffee and you'll be fine.

Oh, sure, it's easy for you to say.

You're not craving
a hot cup of coffee.

A cup of joe. Java. Cappuccino.

Latte. Double espresso.

What? There's a coffee shop
on every corner.

I read. I've seen the menu.

Just never meant anything to me
until now.

Have a nice day.

Have a nice day.

Have a nice drive.

Lucy.

- Sorry. I was just talking to Jordan.
- Jordan.

You're gonna see him at school.

Why do you have
to talk on the phone?

Well, that's 20 minutes away.
A lot can happen in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

I can't believe I haven't
seen these guys in 20 years.

You know, I love my life...

...but I gotta admit,

I've wondered from time to time
what it would've been like

if I had stayed with the band
instead of going to college.

Filling huge concert halls...

Hit records,
Grammy nominations, fans...

You have lots of fans at the church.

They just don't throw their underwear
at the pulpit when you finish a sermon.

Well, that's...

That's us. Don, Ray, Chris and me.

The Flower and Vegetable Show.

Nice tux.

- What is that, gold lamé?
- It was more of an orange lamé.

Orange was, you know,
a very popular colour in the '70s.

- Yeah.
- Don's mom made them.

They were free, okay?

Yeah. Well, Don told me when
they get close to Glen Oak, they'd call.

And when they do, I'll let them know
I booked a Camper Cove space.

Thanks. In my current condition,
I'm not in the mood for houseguests,

even ones
that don't stay in the house.

You know, just because
your friends can't sleep over

doesn't mean
you can't play with them.

Come to papa.

- Hey, Matt.
- Oh, hey.

How you doing?

I don't know how much longer
I can stay awake.

I mean, not that I have a choice
if I want to get an A.

You know, I may have something
that could help you.

Look, no, thanks.

They're not drugs.
They're herbs and stuff.

One hundred percent
natural and legal.

- Natural, huh?
- As water.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm very fine.

You're fine, but are you tired?
Please be tired.

Drop your lunchboxes off
in the kitchen, please.

- Who's giving you all this gum?
- I cannot tell a lie.

Great. Who is it?

And in this case,
I also cannot tell the truth. See you.

Ruthie.

Lucy, wait.

- I got the phone bill today.
- Congratulations.

Your phone usage
is completely out of control.

Define out of control.

Hey! Oh, my-- Wow, look at you.

- How are you?
- Hey, Chris.

- Buddy. Hey.
- Ray, wow. What happened?

- I don't know, it just--
- Lucy, Annie.

- This is Ray, Chris and Don.
- Hi.

My old band,
The Flower and Vegetable Show.

Hey, I have that shirt.

- It's a good shirt.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen, we're sorry
we just showed up unannounced,

but every time we tried to call,
your phone was busy.

Out of control.

So where should
we park the tour bus?

- Tour bus?
- RV.

You know, actually, I've been
doing some thinking about it

since I last spoke with you guys,

and you'd probably
be more comfortable

somewhere that better suits
your RV needs,

so I booked you a campsite
out at Camper Coves.

It's-- It's just a little way up the--
Thirty miles out of town.

We were looking forward to spending
time with our long-lost flower.

But, hey, what's 30 miles
between friends?

Just pull your RV
right into our driveway.

All right!

- Thank you for--
- It'll happen to all of us, eh?

Come on, girls.

Over here.

Come on, give her that one.

- Block route.
- Good job on that one.

Block defence.

- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.

I said I was sorry.

You need to relax.
It's only practise.

Maybe to you it is.

My dad told me that the harder
I practise, the better I play.

And the better I play, the more chance
I have at a scholarship.

They're not steroids.
They're natural energy boosters.

My father buys them for me
at a health-food store.

A lot of girls on the team
are using them.

- Really?
- Yeah.

They give you a competitive edge.

You know, when you're too tired
from working out,

they give you
that extra boost of energy.

They really do make
a big difference.

You're drinking coffee.

So? And what are you
gonna do about it?

- Tell Mommy.
- Go ahead. See if I care.

Okay, I care. I care.

Look, it's not my fault.

I'm not drinking coffee
because I want to. I'm addicted.

That's the saddest thing
I ever heard.

Now get out of my way.
I have to tell on you.

Please don't tell. I'll do anything.

Okay, I'll keep my mouth
shut about the coffee,

but it's going to cost you.

Okay, I'll pay you to keep quiet.

But I'll pay you even more
if you do me a little favour.

You're cool here.

Hey. Hey, remember this?

I've been waiting so long

- To be where I'm going
- To be where I'm going

In the sunshine of your love

- I've still got it.
- Live cool.

I can't believe you guys.

You're still a real live
touring rock 'n' roll band.

So, like, what's the biggest
venue you ever played?

- We played Philadelphia once.
- Big city, Philadelphia.

- Yeah.
- Halftime at a 76ers' game.

Remember The Who at the Garden?
Well, it was just like that.

Only, you know,
smaller and brighter.

Oh, man, our third encore--

Ray turns to me, he says,
"Man, we are living the dream."

It was so cool.

- Anyone for a refill?
- Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Thanks again for dinner.

Yeah, it's been a long time since any
of us have had a home-cooked meal.

- Oh, you're entirely welcome.
- Thank you.

Where do you guys live
when you're not on the road?

We're always on the road.

Isn't that hard on your wives
and children?

- No wives.
- Ex-wives, though.

- No kids.
- Yep.

You can't blame the overpopulation
of the planet on us.

Sorry.

Sorry.

When are Dad's weirdo
friends leaving?

Your father's weirdo friends
showed up unannounced

because when they tried to call,
they couldn't get through

because our phone was busy
because you're always on the phone.

You and the phone need
some time away from one another.

So for the rest of the weekend,
you're not allowed to use it.

Oh, call it a trial separation.

I call it cruel
and unusual punishment.

And I suppose it
would be too much to ask

for us to get call waiting,
or, dare I say, a second phone line.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.

Call waiting, a second phone line,
that was the devil talking.

Can I go play basketball
with Diane at the park?

- Do I have to drive you?
- Nope.

- Do I have to pick you up?
- Nope.

Have a good time.

- It's-- It's amazing.
- What's that?

It's just amazing how much
the guys haven't changed.

- Really?
- It's like they're still in high school.

With no real jobs, no real
responsibilities, no real lives.

Yeah, they seem nice enough to me.
Weird, but nice.

Yeah.

Hey, Mom wants you
to drive me to Diane's.

- You have a ride back from Diane's?
- Yes.

If you can get a ride home,
then why can't you get a ride there?

Because nobody wants
to talk to Mom and Dad.

Let's go.

- Who is it?
- Eric.

Just a minute.

- Come on in.
- Thanks.

Annie thought you could use
some fresh towels and sheets.

- Wow! That's great. Thanks a lot.
- Great, thanks.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you guys aren't out here
parked in front of my house,

the house of a reverend
in a small community,

smoking any illegal
substances, are you?

No.

- No.
- No.

Because you should know,
my best friend

is a police officer who shows up
unannounced quite frequently.

Don't leave anything out.

And here at the Camdens', we have
a zero-tolerance drug policy, so--

So-- Okay.

- Later, huh?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- God, you guys.

Good night.

I'm not drinking coffee.
I just stole it for him.

Thanks a lot.

Simon.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Jordan.

I had to call him
to tell him I couldn't call him.

Come on. Spit it out.

You, no coffee. You, no gum.

And you, no phones.

Got it?

Good!

You were so right about those pills.

I feel like I could play all night.

Two work better than one,
and four work better than two.

One pill is enough for me.
And I've got energy to spare.

Just my hands won't stop shaking.

You'll get used to that.

I hope this stuff wears off
so I can get to sleep,

because right now, I feel like I couldn't
shut my eyes even if I tried.

It's great, isn't it? Let's go
work off some of that energy.

I don't think the band is used to
that much fresh air and natural light.

So why are Simon and Ruthie playing
with your friends and you're not?

- What?
- Well...

They were burning incense
in the RV last night.

You know what that means,
don't you?

Yeah, it means
they were burning incense.

Well, while you're busy
hiding from your friends,

bring this up to Matt, okay?

- I'm not hiding.
- Avoiding, hiding.

Tomato, "tomato."

I like Daddy's friends.

They play a mean game of hacky.

- Yeah.
- Who's Keith Moon?

He was a musician
with a rock band called The Who.

I think he may come over
later and play.

- Keith Moon is dead.
- How come?

He died of a drug overdose.

Why did you think Keith Moon
might be coming over?

Because Daddy's Flower friends
were talking about him.

- Spit it out.
- How did you know?

I have eyes
in the back of my head.

If that were really true,
I would bring you to show-and-tell.

Where did this come from?

I have no idea.

Then you won't mind if I throw it out.

It's Jordan's. He loaned it to me.

You know, when I said no phone,

I meant all forms of wireless
communication, including beepers.

How'd you learn to be so cruel?

It's in the Mommy Manual
between crafts and cuddling.

Is Jimi Hendrix dead too?

Do you think Daddy's friends
know anyone who's still alive?

What are you doing with this stuff?

I repeat,
what are you doing with this?

A friend at school gave them to me.

They're just a natural energy booster
made from herbs or something.

Not everything that's
natural is good for you.

Okay? Cocaine is extracted
from the coca plant.

Heroin and morphine come
from natural plants and extracts.

- Natural doesn't always mean good.
- Dad, calm down, okay?

Check the bottle. It's sealed.
I didn't take any.

I was just looking for a way
to stay awake so I could keep studying.

Oh, you'll stay awake,

because the main ingredient
is ephedrine,

which is just a chemical process
away from being methamphetamine.

Wait, I don't get it. I mean,
the guy who gave me those pills

bought them from
a health-food store.

I mean, if this stuff is so dangerous,
why isn't it illegal?

Because ephedrine is classified
as a food, not a drug,

so it's not regulated
the way it should be.

Ephedrine-based supplements
are illegal in 13 states.

You know what it took
to make them illegal?

People died.

- What's wrong?
- I took some of those pills.

You took these pills?

I didn't get the pills from Matt.

I got them from Diane,
who gets them from her father.

I thought everyone was taking them.

I think I'd better talk
to Diane's father.

Throw them out.

Gladly.

Do you know what's in those pills?

People have died
after taking that stuff.

Calm down. I've been taking them
for over six months,

and I feel perfectly fine.

Well, I didn't feel fine.

My hands were shaking,

my heart was beating so hard
it felt like it was gonna explode.

I was dizzy--

Look, I gotta go. I'll call you back.

I just wanted to
make sure you're okay.

What was Diane thinking,
giving you that stuff?

Some friend she is, huh?

So this is all Diane's fault.

I don't think so.

She offered me the pills, yes.
I took them, true.

But I thought they were safe
because you had them.

You, my big brother.

Look, I don't think you're perfect,

but I did think that
you'd never do anything really stupid.

So when I saw those pills in your
room, it was like an endorsement.

But I was wrong. Really wrong.

Looks like I was wrong too.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I know.
We could form a support group.

Be each other's buddies.

Like, when you think you're
gonna cheat, you call your buddy.

When you need an encouraging
word, you call your buddy.

If I join your support group,
will I get to use the phone?

Bye-bye, buddy.

Hey, technically, it wouldn't be right
if I joined your buddy thing

because I never gave up anything,
so see you.

Buddy?

Hey, little man. What are you up to?

Well, I was trying to start a club,
but no one wants to join.

- We love clubs. We'll join.
- Yeah.

Well, it's not really a "club" club.

It's more like a club
for people who need support

in order to give up
something that's bad for them.

We're familiar with
that type of club.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, that Simon
is a cool little dude.

We're very proud of him.

So where is the big guy?

Oh, Eric had to leave
on some urgent business,

but he's going to be back
in time for your show tonight.

- What?
- We know Eric's not really

into hanging out with us.

That's not true.
He's very happy you're here.

Eric told us you played piano.

He said you were pretty good too.

Well...

Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't you come jam with us
at our show tonight?

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Jam?
- Yeah.

Well, I've only had
about seven lessons, but...

I understand.

You know, I can play with you guys
maybe the next time you come to town,

after I've had a few more lessons.

Don't worry.
We'll figure something out.

Really?

All right.

Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

You sounded pretty upset
on the phone.

Well, it's about some pills
that Diane gave Mary.

- Body Petrol Plus.
- Yeah.

Diane filled me in. Please--

Look, I thank you for being
so concerned about the girls,

but with all due respect,
I think you might be overreacting.

How much do you know
about those pills?

Well, I take them myself.

I bought them
in a health-food store.

They're natural,
and they're perfectly safe.

Unfortunately,
that's exactly what the makers

of Body Petrol Plus
want you to think,

That if it's natural, then it's safe.

But in this case, it just isn't true.

Well, I don't think I understand.

The main ingredient in those pills
is something called ephedrine,

and the makers of Body Petrol Plus
and hundreds of products like it

figured out that ephedrine in large
doses has the same effect as speed.

Now, some of the manufacturers
of ephedrine-based supplements

market their product as the natural,
legal version of an illegal street drug.

Other manufacturers market
to health-conscious people

who are looking for more energy
in order to work harder or achieve--

What do they all say?

Optimum athletic performance.

See, that's very interesting
because, you see, since--

According to the FDA,
in the past five years,

three dozen deaths
have been attributed

to ephedrine-related supplements.

A lot of those people
were young, healthy kids

who never thought that they were
taking something that could kill them

or leave them
with permanent disabilities.

It's just too bad
that people had to die

before anyone noticed
how bad this stuff is.

I can't even imagine
someone as healthy as Diane dying.

Really? Heart attack, stroke,
angina, heart arrhythmias.

Those are some of the side effects

from using products
that contain ephedrine.

Oh, and then, of course,

there's seizures, vomiting,
memory loss, psychiatric disorders.

And-- Oh, if you mix ephedrine
with caffeine, like a soda or coffee,

then you increase the likelihood
of suffering ill effects.

That is, you know,
if you call dying an ill effect.

You can get an ulcer
from taking too much aspirin.

Take too much ibuprofen, and
you can end up with liver damage.

Some people eat chocolate
and break out in hives.

Those are side effects too.

Look, I'm not saying
that I think you're right

or that Diane and I are gonna
stop taking Body Petrol Plus,

but I do promise to look into
the information you've shared with me,

and I wanna thank you
for coming over.

You've given me
a lot to think about.

I just wanted to apologise
for giving Mary those pills.

I really didn't mean any harm by her,
Reverend Camden.

Thanks.

Some people, huh?

If I didn't tell him what he wanted
to hear, he'd never leave us alone.

- You're feeling all right, aren't you?
- Yeah. Hey, I've never felt better.

Okay. That's my girl.

- Did Jim Morrison die from drugs?
- Yes.

What about Jerry Garcia?

Well, yes.

- And Janis Joplin?
- Yes.

I just wanted to see if Simon
was telling me the truth.

- Simon?
- Yeah. He said all those people died

from their addictions.

And do you know
how they all started?

With one cup of coffee.

What's wrong?

I think Simon needs
to stop hanging out with your band.

So how did it go over at Diane's?

Well, she apologised
for giving you the pills,

and her father said he would
look into the dangers of ephedrine.

But...?

But I got the feeling
her father would've said anything

just to get me to leave.

Then you have to let me
talk to Diane.

Oh, no. I don't think
that's such a good idea.

I think she should go.
I didn't get through

to Diane or her father.
Maybe Mary can.

You have to talk to Diane tonight?

I'll try not to miss
your rock 'n' roll debut, Mom.

Thanks.

Your band invited me
to jam with them.

- Jam? On what?
- I don't know, and I don't care.

It's always been a fantasy of mine
to play with a rock 'n' roll band.

- You've never told me that.
- You never asked.

Besides, they owe me one.

I mean, I've made
sandwiches for them,

I gave them a place
to plug in their house.

They didn't ask me
to play with them.

They're my friends.
They're my band.

Hello. My name is Simon Camden,
and I'm a coffee-holic.

Drink.

Trust me. Drink.

This tastes awful. What is it?

- Coffee. You want some more?
- No, never.

Congratulations. You're cured.

I'm a recovered coffee drinker.
Isn't that great?

Good. Your teeth
are turning yellow,

and your breath smells worse
than it usually does.

Do you have any gum?

Mom said you weren't
supposed to chew gum anymore.

Buddy, what Mommy doesn't know
won't hurt me.

Do you know what they put
in gum to make it so chewy?

That's good. Because if you knew,
you might not be able to enjoy it.

Okay. What do the put in gum
to make it chewy?

I've chewed my last chew.

- Nice job.
- Yeah.

What's going on?

I was just righting
a couple of wrongs.

What?

Well, your mother and I figured out

that Simon must have picked up
coffee drinking from you.

And by process of elimination,

you had to be
Ruthie's gum supplier.

Now, whether you like it or not,
the kids look up to you, you know.

They see what you're doing
even when you don't realise.

Well, I guess sometimes
that's a good thing.

But, you know, sometimes
it's just a pain in the butt.

Them looking up to me
is never gonna change, is it?

No.

You know, this adult thing
is just getting better and better.

- I'm sorry about the pills, Dad.
- I know you are.

I don't think I can make it the rest
of the weekend without a phone.

I tried to divert my phone energy
into another activity,

but no matter what I did,
I kept thinking about the phone,

dreaming about the phone.

Dear God, haven't I been
punished enough?

Yes, I think you have.

I called the phone company today.

As of Wednesday,
we're going to be a two-line family.

With the babies coming,
your father and I thought

that putting in a second phone line
made a lot of sense.

Sure! Sure!
Well, whatever. Who cares why?

We've got two phone lines.

I can't wait to call Jordan
and tell him.

And then he could call me back,
and then I could call him back.

This is awesome!

So, what's the new number?

Your father and I are
never going to tell you.

- Hey, come on in.
- Hey.

So you guys...

Great, I come down here
to apologise to you guys

for being such a crummy host,
and I find you smoking...

What are those, cigarettes?

Yeah, I'm sorry. We've all
tried to quit, but it's so addictive.

I thought you guys
were smoking something else.

We gave that stuff up
years ago, man.

- I still want to apologise.
- You don't have to.

A lot of people think we do drugs.

The only thing we really get high on
is making music.

Yeah!

No, really, I owe you an apology,

and not just for making
a very wrong assumption.

You don't have to apologise
for not hanging out with us.

We're comfortable with rejection.

On many levels.

I just had this vision of what
I thought your rock 'n' roll life was.

You don't have to apologise
for being disappointed, either.

We've disappointed
a lot of people, and yet--

You're happy living your dream.

Exactly.

And I'm happy living mine.

But you really wanna
play with us tonight?

- Oh, yeah.
- All right.

Here.

- Yes?
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, baby.

It's getting near dawn

When lights close their tired eyes

I'll soon be with you, my love

To give you my dawn surprise

I'll be with you, darling, now

I'll be with you
When the stars start falling

I've been waiting so long

To be where I'm going

In the sunshine of your love

Now I know what
Mick Jagger's kids feel like.

- Embarrassed?
- Luckily, we took separate cars.

Good, because I didn't
bring my lighter for the encore.

And what's with Ruthie?

Blame it on The Spice Girls.

- Girl power.
- Oh, yeah.

Just we two

I'll stay with you, darling, now

I'll stay with you till
My seas are dried up

I've been waiting so long

To be where I'm going

In the sunshine of your love

Didn't you hear anything
my dad said to you?

My dad knows what
he's talking about too.

Nothing is gonna happen to me.

Oh, yeah? People have died.
Don't you get it?

You can't be this stupid.

Look at me.
I'm in the best shape of my life.

I'm not gonna die.

I came to talk to you
because I thought I could get you

to do the right thing
and stop taking those pills.

But now I realise I can't make you
do something that you don't wanna do.

- Good.
- But I am not just gonna stand by

and watch you hurt yourself,

so you're on your own.

- Don't go.
- Why should I stay?

I'll make you a deal.
You stop bugging me about the pills,

and at the end of the season,
I'll stop taking them completely.

- You should stop now.
- I can't.

At the end of the season,
you'll stop for good?

Well, I guess it's better than nothing.

We've still got time to catch my mom
making an idiot of herself

with my dad's wacky friends.

Right after a quick game of 21?

Whoa, nice shot.

Hey, my ball.

You okay?

Diane?

I can't believe
Mary missed the show.

I just hope that doesn't mean
things went badly with Diane.

- I had fun tonight.
- Me too.

I play a mean triangle,
if I do say so myself.

Man, you made that
triangle wail, baby. Wail!

What's that?

One-fourteen. One-fourteen,
call firefighters. One-thirty, 92...

Diane collapsed.

We were playing,
and she took a shot,

and then I called 911.

And they wouldn't tell me anything,
and I don't know how she is.

They've had her for so long.

She'll be okay, right?

Yeah, but Diane
had a massive heart attack.

They finally got her stable enough.

They're gonna take her
to the hospital.

But she's gonna be okay,

and she's gonna be able
to play basketball again.

Right now, they're just happy
she's gonna make it.