7th Heaven (1996–2007): Season 3, Episode 10 - Here Comes Santa Claus - full transcript

Like every Christmas, Eric compromises the kids' fun by imposing 'voluntary good deeds' and cheating the draw of the family presents distribution. Matt is even pressed into a mall Santa job...

That's not dancing.

This is dancing.

Nice duds.

Does Santa's elf know
you stole his pyjamas?

You may be getting
a little too big for those.

You know, I'd be happy
to buy you some new ones.

They don't make them
with candy canes in my size anymore.

All they have for me
are those old-man pyjamas

like the blue ones Dad wears.
No, thanks.

You can't keep wearing these.

They're so tight,
they're cutting off your circulation.

They'd probably fit Ruthie.

No, they wouldn't.

These are my favourite pyjamas.

They're tradition.

You can't fault a guy
for keeping tradition, can you?

You don't have to
once you've seen him dance.

- Dad is totally out of control.
- Completely.

We're supposed to be off for holidays.
That's why they call them holidays.

But it feels more like we're in
some kind of child labour camp.

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

He's making me volunteer
in a soup kitchen.

- Dad.
- Yes, I know.

What's the problem?

The problem is it's volunteer work,

and I don't remember
volunteering for anything.

And I didn't volunteer
to put together

the live nativity scene
at the church either.

That shouldn't be hard.
We've gotten stuck with it every year.

You're not gonna get
anybody else to do it.

Oh, I sure hope not.

I love doing the live nativity.

It's what makes Christmas,

I'm telling you,
you have nothing to worry about.


- Your father wants to see you.
- Why?

We don't know, but the last two who
came out of there came out with jobs.

Oh, no.

What are you, the Incredible Hulk?

So when are we putting up
the Christmas lights?

- How about next December?
- We never miss a Christmas.

I can put up the lights.

You can't even dress yourself.

Hold on to those.
One day they'll be worth a lot of money.

Oh, I'll never part with these.
They're symbols of my youth.

You'd think that would just
make you sad.

- You'd think.
- Yeah.

You still need money
for that charity ball tomorrow night?

You know, the one you wanted to take
this week's girlfriend to?

- You're going to give me money?
- Oh, no, no, no.

What would you learn from that?

That parents are generous
at Christmas time.

Oh, but parents are generous
all year long,

year after year,
until you reach that year

when they cut you off completely,
and you get a job.

A $100-a-day job.

So basically, all you have to do

is last one day.

A $100-a-day job with a uniform.

And your favourite:

a fancy hat.

Merry Christmas, son.

If they get another baby in there,
Mom's going to explode.

Okay, remember,
everybody draws a name...

And they make you a present,
do some service as a gift,

or give away something
they already own.

We know the rules.
It's the same thing every year.

And I believe the tradition is
Mom goes first.


And Dad is next.

Not me, not me...

Me, me, me...

Ruthie, do you need
any help with yours?

Not this year.

That must be Jordan. I'll get it.

And on that sentimental note,

the annual name draw is concluded.

And may the spirit of Christmas
follow you...

...wherever it is you're going.

Merry Christmas.

It would be a lot merrier
if you weren't going out of town.

It would be for me too.

I can't believe it's our first Christmas
and we won't even be together.

I'm really gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you too.

I'm not thrilled
to be spending the holidays

with my Uncle Sal and his monkey.

But it's the closest thing
my family's got to a grandparent.

And a cousin.

I wanted you to have your present
before I left.

But you're not allowed to open it
until Christmas.

But I thought we weren't going
to exchange gifts until you got back.

Of course, I got you something
weeks ago.

I just haven't had time to wrap it.

Go ahead, go wrap it.

We can talk while you're upstairs.

That's my mom.
We gotta get to the airport.

You can just give it to me
when I get back.

See you next week.


There's nothing wrong
with kissing my boyfriend.

Where's that gift you bought him?

That's what I thought.

- It's just I had other plans, that's all.
- I know,

and as much as I hate you
to give up sitting around

watching Soul Train
in your pyjamas till noon,

I just couldn't resist offering you the
opportunity to do something more.

You're not offering, you're forcing.

The holidays are a difficult time
for a lot of people.

You're blessed to lend a hand
to those less fortunate.

Who knows where the Christmas spirit
might lead you?

Be adventurous.

In a soup kitchen?

I'll be right with you, reverend.

That's Joyce. She runs the kitchen.
Hey, I drew your mother's name again.

Do you have any idea
what she might want?

Shouldn't you have had some idea
before you guys cheated?


What do you think about a chain
for that cross that grandma left her?

You know, that fancy gold one
with the diamonds?

She's always saying
she doesn't have a nice enough chain.

Well, what were you thinking
of making it out of?

Wire? String?

Coloured macaroni's nice.

You know the rules about presents.
You made them.

Oh, look. my new little helper?


It's good to be king.

I have to get Jordan
something for Christmas.

He got me something.
He probably spent $100.

That's how much couples
spend on each other these days.

Your father and I
have never spent $100

on each other at Christmas.

And yet, whenever we've drawn
each other's names,

we've always managed
to get each other something special.

You just have to be creative.

First of all, it's not "whenever."

It's every year, because we all know
that you guys cheat.

And secondly,
I don't have time to be creative.

All my time is being spent

trying to talk people into taking part
in the live nativity scene.

Maybe that's where
you're making your mistake.

You're making it seem like
they're doing a favour for the church

instead of making it look
like a lot of fun.

No, really.

You should hold auditions
so that they compete for the honour.

Did all the blood rush away
from your head?

It is not an honour.

Its like being in a wax museum,
only creepier.

The wax talks back.

Okay, forget it.

I need an idea
for a gift for your father.

He's got the old 45s out again.

Maybe you could fix up
an old record player.

You're a genius.

That's a great idea.

See how creative you are?

Now all you have to do
is apply that to a gift for Jordan.


But I can do it.

You're just-- You're just too young
to hang Christmas lights.

What if I hang the lights
inside of the house...

...instead of outside?

This way I won't have to go
up on the roof.

What would be the point
of putting outside lights inside?

It's better than nothing.

We always hang the lights.

We've hung lights every year
I can remember. Please?

Okay. But don't ask your mother to help.
I don't want her climbing any ladders,

and I don't want her to know
I don't want her climbing ladders.


And I guess you would be..?

A klutz with a big deductible
and twins on the way.


I'd like you to meet
another one of our volunteers.

This is Carlos.

Merry Christmas.

So very nice to meet you, my love.

Okay, then tell me this.

How does Santa
get to everyone's house in one night,

and how does he remember
what everyone wants?

And when people are out of town,

how does he know where to find them
and take them their stuff?

He's done it for hundreds of years
so by now he's worked out a system,

just like me.

He knows where everything is
and exactly where it goes.

Oh, yeah? Where do those go?

I knew those were there.

You don't even know
when you've outgrown your pyjamas.

Enough about my nightwear.

Shouldn't you be going through
the recycling bin

for somebody's gift?

Are we always allowed to do that?

Only at Christmas.

Stop trying to talk me out of it.
We're going to the charity ball.

That's where you wanna go,
so that's where I'm gonna take you.

I just feel guilty for ever mentioning it
because the tickets are so expensive,

and you've still got to rent a tux,

And I told you I have a job.

You just didn't tell me what job.

And I'm not going to.

But I don't have a job. I can't afford
to buy you anything in return.

Look, the only present I want
is for you to enjoy the night.

Oh, sure, I'm too small to be Santa.

But, you,
you're an old man with a beard?

I should file a lawsuit.

I've been doing this job for 20 years.

Some guy drops out, and you,
baby face, you get to be Santa.

What do you know about being
old Saint Nick?

All I do is sit with the kid in my lap,
ask them what they want for Christmas,

and smile at the camera, right?

Oh, yeah.

You got this job
through connections, didn't you?

Thought I'd lend a hand.
How's it going?

Things are going very well.

Who's that?

What happened to his arm?

That is Carlos.

He got hit by a bus. Isn't he cute?

Carlos is homeless
and needs a place to go,

so I took your suggestion,
got adventurous,

and asked him to stay with us.

Here you go.

- I had no idea you had five children.
- Yeah.

And two more on the way.

Your daughter
was very generous to ask,

but I could pitch my tent
in a park somewhere.

Or stay at the shelter.

I wouldn't hear of it.

A part of the magic of Christmas
is the surprises it brings.

Well, still, I wouldn't feel right.

I've backpacked and camped
all across the country

only to arrive in time
to be an inconvenience.

I couldn't.


Well, maybe you could allow me
to pitch my tent in your backyard.

No. It's too cold outside.

And it doesn't look like
you're going to be pitching anything

with your arm in that cast.

- What happened anyway?
- Don't ask.

Hit by a bus.

I couldn't help but notice
you have a garage.

And I've got an air mattress
in an upstairs closet.

I'll get it for you.

So you backpacked
across the country?

- Do you have family back East?
- Yes. In New York.

My father and I had a falling out.

That's why I left.

- How long ago was that?
- Two years.

A very long two years.

- Have you ever thought about--?
- No.

Irreconcilable differences.

I'm not going back.

So repeat it back to me.

Princess Di Beanie Baby,

Titanic video set,

- charm bracelet...
- With?

- Charms?
- What charms?

Oh, I know what charms.

Let's go, let's go.

You got a line here, Santa.

What charms?

Twenty bucks, that's all I'm asking.

Twenty bucks, 20,000,
it doesn't matter.

In the banking business
you're what we call high-risk.

Fine, Ebenezer Camden.

By the way, aren't you even
interested in who has your name?

I've got my pyjamas,
I've got my lights,

who could ask for anything more?

This is Carlos, a friend of Mary's.

He's gonna be camping out
in the garage over the holidays.

Simon Camden.
It's nice to meet you.

Sorry about the mess.

I'll be doing work here
the next couple of days.

I'll try not to get in your way.

I thought we weren't gonna hang
Christmas lights.

Oh, don't worry,
I'm not going up on the roof.

I thought I'd hang a few
inside the house.

Okay, but they're outdoor lights.
Very bright.

Oh, that's the genius of my plan.

I'm not replacing the burnt-out bulbs.

Well, make yourself at home.

Do they hang lights
where you're from?

I'm from New York.

Oh, then you're familiar with lights.
Grab a string.

I love New York.

Have you ever seen Cats?
The musical.


You know, they're not real cats.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Me and Jenny
are gonna go get some mistletoe

down at the Christmas tree lot.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

I dropped by to see Matt,
but he's at that mysterious job,

so I thought Ruthie and I
could just run a couple of errands.

The mistletoe was my idea.

- I'd take her if it's okay.
- It's okay.

I'd love to come, but I have
a few things I have to take care of.

Just put her in the back seat
away from the airbag.

- I will.
- Okay. Eric?


You two have a good time.

You know what's on the way
to the lot?

- What?
- The mall.

- No, it isn't.
- It could be.

- And you know what's in the mall?
- What?


Everything from Petula Clark
to Rufus Thomas.

Those might be worth a bit.

Why don't you bring them down
and I'll take a look at them?

Sure, Mrs. Thomas.

Yeah, I'd-- I'd be happy to stop by
and try to talk your husband

into going to church on Christmas.

Okay, bye.

What are you doing?

Just, you know,
making a few phone calls.

Church business.

Why are you doing church business
in Matt's room?

It's in the attic.
It's one floor closer to God.

- Where are you going?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

I can't believe you'd go to a soup kitchen
and come home with a Latin hottie.

Hey, you're holding auditions
down at the church.

Cast yourself a holiday honey.

I might as well. Jordan's gonna
break up with me anyway.

- Why?
- Why?


I have to get him something
as good as this.

Why don't you try taking a peek
at what that is

before you get Christmas crazy

and run out
and do something stupid?

I can't. I told Jordan
I wouldn't open it until Christmas.

Well, I didn't.

Okay, just a peek.

What is it?

You don't even wanna know.

Yes, I do. Tell me.

Okay, it's...

It's a shoe shine kit.

No, it can't be.

Yes, it can.

Jordan would never get me
a shoe shine kit.

And yet he did.

Hi, Rocky.

Oh, yes.

- Annie Camden.
- Yes. Yes, yes, I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting you.

I was wondering if you ever
found a home for that old jukebox

you used to display in the window.

Oh, that old thing.
No, I had to put it in the back.

It brought in a lot of lookers
but no buyers, you know.

Yes, I know. So I was wondering,
could we make a trade?

I don't know.
What you have in mind?

My, my.

That's exquisite. Look at that.

- Where did you get this?
- My mother left it to me.

But I never had a chain
nice enough to put it on.

She also left me several other things
that I dearly treasure,

things that are more practical
and that I do wear,

so maybe it's time to part with this.

I'd hate to take a piece
of your mother's jewellery.

This is the last Christmas
before Eric and I

will have two more
little mouths to feed,

and I've put him through heck
this pregnancy,

and he's been wonderful to me.

If my mother were still alive and neither
of us could afford to buy that jukebox,

I'm pretty sure
that she would sell it herself.

Mrs. Camden, this...

- This is a cross.
- Yes, it is.

But, you know,
I wear my religion in my heart.

The same place I carry
my mother's memory.

Santa doesn't have all day, dear.

Step on up.

Now you get on out of here,
and you be good,

and everything will be okay.

Oh, hey.

You ready to go?

I have been on the phone all day.

I've called every person
in this church directory

announcing that I will be holding
these stupid auditions.

Oh, my, and I know
how you hate using the phone.

You know, I'll drop you off,
run my errand,

and come back by the church
and help you.

Thanks for the offer, but I doubt
there's going to be a line for free work.

Well, I think you might be surprised.

I'll probably just be sitting there all
afternoon staring at the rec room walls.

Take your shoe kit.
It'll give you something to do.

Yeah. Merry Christmas to you too.

It's not funny.

Yes, it is.

It's based on a poem.

- What is?
- Cats.

- Could we talk about something else?
- Sure.

Sooner or later, they're gonna
find out your story. It's what they do.

- Who?
- Mom and Dad.

Well, I really don't talk about it.

It's too painful.

Well, that won't stop them.

We're a big, weepy family.

We can take it.

Well, I'm only gonna be here
a couple of nights

and then I'm moving on.

A couple of nights
is one more than they need.

And have you seen the way
my sister Mary looks at you?

You may not be interested in her,
but it doesn't matter.

My dad has seen the way
she looks at you, and I'm telling you:

you won't get out of this house
without him or my mom

finding out the who, where, when
and why you're not home for Christmas.

Are all of you here
for the live nativity auditions?

I wanna be Jesus.

He's an infant
in the Christmas story.

I thought you said all ages,
all ethnicities.

Well, let's get started, shall we?

Oh, this is a very nice collection.

Why are you selling these?
You should hang on to these.

These are in perfect condition.

Well, I've hung onto them
long enough.

It's time to get some money
out of them.

I got a great idea for a Christmas gift
for my wife Annie.

She's been such a trooper through this.
She's about to give birth to twins.

I wanna give her something
that she'll have for the rest of her life.

And that would be...?

She has this beautiful cross
that her mother left her.

A cross.

I just love Christmas.

If you don't let all the hype get to you,
it's such a lovely holiday,

even if you're not religious.

Actually, I am.

- I come from a religious family.
- Really?

Because people tend to forget
what Christmas is all about, you know.

Ruthie got me fired
from my job today.

And you've ruined Christmas
for me forever.

There is a Santa Claus!

Why don't they arrest you
for pretending to be him?

Because I'm working for him.
How many times do I have to explain it?

What happened?

Who are you?

If you were really working
for Santa Claus,

you'd know that, impostor.


I know you don't list by first names,
but this is a small town.

How many guys can you have
named Sal?

Oh, there's a bazillion of them.

But it's an emergency.

What's the nature
of the emergency?

My sister's boyfriend left her
with a present,

and then he went to visit
his Uncle Sal.

She wasn't to open it,
but we sneaked a peek,

and it was a shoe shine kit.

Look, the thing is,
she's a rules girl and--

Oh, say no more.

I'm very aware of the rules.

That's how I managed
to snag my fiancé.

I'm sorry.
I was just looking for a place to hide.

- I found the number. 555--
- You're kidding!

You're a genius.

Okay, so that's 555-0189.

Thank you. Thank you so much.


You're hired.

Must be some sort
of an electrical problem.


- Is anyone gonna answer this?
- Yeah. You.

What's the problem?

The problem is I'm still wearing
my Santa pants.

Hi, Jenny. Come in.

Didn't you get my message?

I didn't get the tickets. I got fired.
I didn't get paid.

Yes, I got the message.

Now get your coat and boots.
I've got a surprise for you.

I'm not over this, you know.
I'll never be over it.

Don't worry. She'll get over it.

Now you guys go
and have a good time.

Why don't you go in the living room
and take another look at those lights?

- Don't you wanna know who that is?
- Not really.

- Got any three's?
- No.

Go fishing.

I talked to your Dad.

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve.
Your family wants you home.

Now, there's a ticket for the
midnight flight to New York tonight

with your name on it
waiting at the airport.

My family sent me a ticket?

No. Evidently, you made a friend
down at the soup kitchen--

A friend who wishes
to remain anonymous.

It was just Mom at the door.

I fished my wish.

Deal me out. I'm going upstairs.

Good night.

Pull over here.

Where are we?

You'll see.


Wait a second. I can't get this...


Merry Christmas.

I'd feel badly that I didn't take you
to the charity ball,

but how could it be
any better than this?

I'd feel badly
about taking Ruthie to the mall,

but for Christmas,
I'm giving myself permission

not to feel guilty about anything.

It's too bad Santa
can't give that to everyone.

Hey, you still looking for a job?

- Hello?
- Lucy?

Oh, hey, Jordan.

I called to say merry Christmas,

or at least merry Christmas Eve.

Did you open your gift yet?

No. Not officially, anyway.

Well, my Uncle Sal' monkey
just opened yours.

- Mine? So the shoe shine kit...
- Was for the monkey.

He wears clothes. And shoes.

We have to talk
when you come home.

So, what was I supposed to get?

The ball from the Christmas tournament
when I made the winning shot.

I took it and wrote something that I've
been waiting until Christmas to tell you.

I love you, Lucy Camden.

I love you too.


He left without so much
as saying goodbye.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

He left a note.

"Thank you for letting me stay here.

It reminded me of how much
I miss my family.

If you can find out, thank whomever
was responsible for the ticket.

Until now,
I never believed in miracles.

Merry Christmas. Carlos."

- So thank you.
- You're welcome.

I make one charitable donation a year,
and this was it.

One? This is your building.

You run this kitchen all year.

Darling, I don't consider
this a charity.

This is a gift I give myself.

What happened to the real Santa?

What's it to you, kid?

You're too small to be Santa.

I was expecting a jolly fat guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, no expectations
and no disappointments.


Hey, hey, hey. Look.
Just because he's a little person,

doesn't mean
he always has to play the elf

or the munchkin
or the leprechaun.

Why can't he be anyone
he wants to be, including Santa?

This man has as big a heart
as anyone else.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

If you poison us, do we not die?

There's a reason
they don't do Shakespeare at malls.

You guys wanna knock it off?
You're scaring away the kids.


- Merry Christmas, kid.
- Yeah, you too.

Merry Christmas.

What am I gonna do?

Time's running out, and I still
haven't found anything for Ruthie.

I wanna give her something

that will convince her
there's a Santa Claus.

Well, maybe you
should pray about it.

You think surgeons
practise on their own children?

Sorry. My mistake.

It's Christmas,
and I was thinking about...

Well, Christ.

Dear God, it's Simon Camden.

Last time I begged for something,
it was a dog,

and as you know,
that worked out really great.

Except for the time
she got hit by a car.

Anyway, this isn't for me.

This is for my little sister Ruthie.

She needs to believe in things
at her age.

It's her way of working up
to the big stuff, like you.

So if you could, this Christmas, I'd like
to restore her faith in Santa Claus.

You can get back to me on that.

What are we doing?

I was...

...washing the floor.

It's not like Mom can do it
in her condition.

Thank you, Simon.

That's the best Christmas present
you could ever have given me.

I'll get you a bucket.

- The table's been cleared.
- And the dishes are in the dishwasher.

And I should have the floor
finished by midnight.

Well, then,
it's time to open our gifts.

Me first.

I'll get it out.

Oh, thank you.

I got your name,

but your present isn't here yet.

And you were all hoping
he'd get your name.

Is it too late to switch?

In the meantime,

I'd like you to have these.

It's about time I got them.

It was hard to let go.

Simon, why don't you go next?

I drew your name.

The manager of the mall decided
to pay me for the hours I worked,

and I decided to end the year by paying
you some of the money I owe you.

And the rich get richer.

- Let's just call it even.
- Fine. Merry Christmas.

And the same to you.

I got my present earlier.

Thank you for calling Jordan.
That was the best gift ever.

So he didn't intend to give you
the shoe shine kit?

No, but for Christmas,
he gave me something much better.

He told me he loves me.

Don't we all?

Now, I would like to give Mary
her gift.

"Inspired by your generosity,

I have volunteered to work Saturdays
at the soup kitchen for three months.

Love, Lucy."

It's nothing.

People have to eat every week,
not only on holidays.

Carlos is gone, you know.

- Who?
- Forget it. He's gone.

And I didn't do it for that.

I'm in love.

Okay, well, that brings us to Matt.




What? That's just the card.

Besides, it wasn't his fault.
Dad got him the job.

Yeah, Dad. How dare you?

All right. Look at this.

Fuzzy dice. They're for his car.

They used to be Carol the kitty.

You know, my stuffed animal?

They're beautiful, Ruthie. Thank you.

Thank you so much.
You're the sweetest.

Guess it's our turn.

- You go first.
- You go first.

- No, you.
- No, you.

- Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay.

It's for the cross
that your mother left you.

I looked around for it.
I wanted to put it on the chain,

but I couldn't find it.

- Do you like it?
- Yes, I love it.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Well, should I go get
the cross for you?

Just tell me where it is.

No. I'll do it just as soon
as you open your gift.

It's right over there,
behind the curtain.


Wait, wait, wait.

All that's missing is your 45s.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

I don't care. I heard something.

No, no, no. Don't open that.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you.

These are for
your mom and your dad.

Who are these from?

They're from...

They're from Santa.

Merry Christmas, Ruthie.

That was your gift to me?

From me and a friend.

Thank you, Simon. That was great.

Mommy! Daddy!
Santa Claus was just here!

I saw him!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- You guys wanna sit with us?
- Daddy, come on.

Excuse me.

I can't believe the entire cast
backed out at the last minute.

I'm glad they did.

I thought you would be.

We made a few phone calls.

We told them
we couldn't break the tradition.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas.

So from all of us to both of you,
merry Christmas.

Fear not, for, behold,

I bring you good tidings of great joy
which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day,

in the City of David, a saviour,

which is Christ the Lord.

Glory to God in the highest,

and on Earth peace,
goodwill toward men.