5ive Days to Midnight (2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - Day 1 - full transcript
♪ ♪
(screaming)
(J.T. singing)
♪ It's Jesse's birthday today ♪
♪ She's ten years old today ♪
♪ Oh, boy, happy birthday, Jesse! ♪
Don't be so loud, Pop.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Mwah.
Okay, now, you gotta make a wish.
Okay. Okay.
Good job. Thanks.
I point far, but not to the nearest star.
It's too early for riddles, Pop.
Whoa!
A laser.
Whoa...
Wow, Pop, this is great.
Thanks, Pop, I like it. You're welcome.
Does this mean I'm gonna get a telescope, too?
We'll just have to wait and see.
But you gotta eat your breakfast, we're running late.
Thank you. Mmm.
(humming)
(Jesse chuckles)
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Come on now, on my way ♪
♪ New song, got nothing to say to me ♪
♪ Nobody ever taught me how ♪
♪ To love you like I love you now ♪
♪ Oh yeah, it's all right...
Our first family portrait ♪
♪ This is nothing but shadows and lightning ♪
♪ Who we are is where we've been ♪
♪ Who we are to be... ♪
♪ No more sin ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Today I wait ♪
♪ Tomorrow may be too late Ha! ♪
♪ Somebody should have learned ya how ♪
♪ To love me like I love you now ♪
♪ 'Cause everything is just ♪
♪ Shadows and light ♪
♪ Me, I'm nothing but ♪
♪ Shadows and light ♪
♪ I'm gonna do you good ♪
♪ I want to do you good ♪
All right. Bye.
Bye, no after-school program, so I'll pick you up.
I know! I love you, bye!
Hey, Jesse! Oh, hey, Audrey.
(man) Oh, just put it over there by the elevator.
(radio announcer) On this day in history, June 7th,
Mahatma Gandhi initiated the campaign of civil...
(station changes to music)
(power tools running)
♪ The weather started to change... ♪
(dog barking)
(tires screech)
(tires screech)
(man) Whoa!
(barking)
(man) You tell me, I don't know!
(man) What are the odds of that?
Okay, why Professor Neumeyer is not dead.
Someone wanna have a go at the physics?
Oh, come on, people.
(man) Uh, gravity, sir?
(woman) Terminal velocity?
(man) The speed you were driving.
(Carl) The dog!
Dog is random, dog is destiny.
Dog is the reason Professor Neumeyer stands here
instead of being skewered to his truck seat, D-O-G.
Thank you, Mr. Axelrod.
This is not a graduate class, uh...
Could you please confine your comments
to the appropriate venue.
(clears throat)
Make the most of him, kiddiewinks.
He is the best physics professor you will ever have.
(students murmuring)
All right, please open, uh, your books
to Willard, page 16, "Principles of Particles."
So... I meant to work on reality sets all spring, but I got
hijacked by this idea... No office hours today, Carl.
Oh, believe me, it's okay. Here I just need you to sign
here and I need you to sign there.
No, I'm not your thesis advisor, Carl.
I need you to initial right there...
Dr. Popovich...
Oh, Popovich is a useless collection of subatomic...
This entire lobotomized faculty...
Carl, you're not listening to me.
I'm not your thesis advisor.
Do you know M.I.T. wanted me? Chicago, Cal Tech...
I chose this overpriced widget factory because of you.
Stockholm your refutation of Witten's string theory application.
You anticipated membranes.
That was a long time ago.
Yeah, but it is still in there and I want that.
Carl, you can be extremely annoying.
I can? Yes, do you know that?
Damn, Carl, social IQ.
I completely forgot what today is... for you.
I mean, death of your wife, birth of your daughter...
That's enough! No-no-no-no...
Personal life off-limits, Carl.
Right, okay. So when I research
a subject, I research it.
Like this idea that I've been working on basically since March.
Here, you forgot your jacket.
When you get a look at my special project... trust me.
Dr. Popovich will love it. It will blow your mind!
I'm sure he'll love it, yeah.
(woman) Denorvo Insurance.
Claudia, it's me. Are you busy?
You sound stressed. Everything okay?
Well, not really.
Believe it or not, I'm calling about
an insurance issue, and I am stressed.
What happened? You won't believe it.
(laughing) No way!
It's amazing, huh?
Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh (car door closes)
Uh-oh. Come on.
It's stuck, it's stuck! Oh! Oh.
I'm glad it happened after you dropped me off at school.
Yeah, me too. Thanks.
Did my mom like Pop-Tarts?
You know, I don't think she ever ate a Pop-Tart.
But would she like 'em?
Yeah, I think she would if she ever tried one,
but only on weekends.
Hey, look.
What is that?
Looks kind of like a laptop.
Don't touch it.
Hey, look, it's got your name on it. Jess!
Come on, pick it up. What?
Come on.
All right, listen, I want you to go stand back there.
Okay, Dad.
This is, uh...
It's locked.
Maybe someone knew that you were gonna be here to find it.
Come on, Pop, birthday puzzle.
We can figure it out, right?
Yeah, it's just that it's difficult to open a...
six-digit combination, see? See there?
(chuckling) Not for you.
Okay, we gotta get going.
We don't want to keep the others waiting.
Why not?
Well, you know, it's just not a good idea
to keep anyone waiting.
Okay, you all set? All set.
(excited chatter)
Oh, here they come! Quick, everyone hide!
Okay, everybody, come on, take your places!
Let's go! Okay!
Honey, just leave that, just come...
Just hide!
Quick, quick, quick, quick!
(shrieks, laughs)
Jesse loves this.
You mean you do this for her every year?
Yes, it's our tradition.
By the way, I invited Claudia to the party.
You did? Why? Because...
Hold on a minute...
Dad, the door isn't locked.
Well, no, I can't find my house keys.
Come on, let's just get this over with.
Surprise!
(all) Surprise!
(shrieking)
Happy Birthday! Thank you!
Thanks, Uncle Brad.
Hey, how you doing?
Are you okay?
Happy birthday. Thank you.
Good, yeah.
Happy birthday, Jesse bear.
Let me know if there's anything I can get for you.
(J.T.) Fine. Happy Birthday.
Oh, my gosh!
Is that my favorite organic carrot cake?
Maybe. Ahh!
Oh, boy...
Yeah! Yeah!
How are you? Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah.
(Jesse) That's an apartment complex.
(Brad) A whole apartment complex.
(Jesse) An apartment complex?
(crosstalk)
(woman) Can I get you a soda, sweetie?
(Jesse) Uh, sure, thank you.
Would you guys like a soda?
Do you have a root beer? Yes, I do.
Um, Claudia, um...
Yeah?
Maybe we should rethink these.
Why? They're toy guns.
Oh, come on, it's a birthday party, it's supposed to be fun.
Well, actually, it's not just a birthday party.
It's also the anniversary...
Of Katherine. Jesse's mom.
Perhaps you didn't know that.
No, I know that.
It's always a tough day for J.T.
Right.
Okay, well, why don't we ask him?
Okay... J.T.?
Ahh! (shrieking)
(shrieking and whooping throughout)
Ahh!
(door opens, closes)
Hey, you. Oh, hey.
That Claudia sure has some great, uh... energy.
That's what I was gonna say. She has great energy.
Yeah, she does.
So you got a new girlfriend.
You've got a new briefcase.
Is this a new J.T. sighting? What's next?
No, no, I, uh, I didn't buy this.
Somebody left this at Katherine's grave.
That's somewhat bizarre. Yeah.
Who knew you were going to be there?
I mean, besides us. Uh, nobody.
Well, that's not true actually.
You remember that grad student of mine, uh, Carl Axelrod?
(loud shrieks) Oh, oh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
I'll get you!
Get outta here, whoa!
Okay, listen to me, listen to me.
Document everything, all right. Yeah.
Every conversation, every impression.
And get witness statements if you can get them.
You're watching too much Court TV.
No, come on, you remember that math professor at Stanford? Hey!
No, you've got to be careful about things these days, you really do.
(shrieking and laughing...)
(distant shrieking)
(keypad beeps)
(distant shrieking continues)
(TV newscaster) Headlines for today, June 7th, 1994.
Friends and family of O.J. Simpson
are pleading with him to turn himself in.
(woman over PA) Dr. Davenport, to radiology.
Dr. Davenport to radiology.
I'm so sorry, J.T. We lost her.
(clears throat)
Come on, Pop, let's go open up my presents.
All right, I'll be right there. Okay.
(gasping) Oh, my God!
PlayStation 2! Wow!
I want one of those.
Oh, my gosh, look.
(man) Yeah, big score, big score, baby.
Jesse?
Whoa... Holy Cow!
(man) It's bigger than you are.
(Jesse) It's like up to there on me.
Jeez, it is!
Whoa!
(woman) What could that be?
(Jesse) I don't know.
(man) Guess, guess.
(Jesse) Flip it over.
It's a telescope!
Whoa!
She's a beaut.
Thank you. Thank you, Papa.
You're welcome.
Pop, let's set up my telescope.
I got to go out for just a little bit, Jess.
I cannot find my house keys.
They're on the infinity ring.
Where are you taking the case, Pop?
Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Jess.
When I get back, we are going to set up the telescope together
and we're gonna look at the star nursery in Orion.
Promise? Promise.
Hold you to it.
Thanks for staying, Claudia.
Hey! Hey.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Should I be taking this personally
or is it just the whole day?
No, no, it's been... You've been great.
No, I just... I...
I have to take care of this.
And it can't wait till morning?
I'll tell you what. I will tell you
all about it tonight in bed.
In bed here? Mm-hmm.
(J.T. clears throat)
Have you spoken to her?
No, but... I think she'll be okay about it.
Well, I'd like to know if she'd be okay about it.
Because if she's not,
a couple of months of hot dating
is all we're ever gonna be.
Well, I agree, and I think we should play it safe and...
Listen, I don't want to blow this either.
All right? We'll just be careful.
See you later, squirrel! Bye, Pop.
(ticking)
(exhales)
(Carl) Like, this idea that I've been working on
basically since March. Here, you forgot your jacket.
So when you get a look at my special project,
trust me, it will blow your mind!
(glass shatters, cat screeches)
(distant car alarm blares)
(Carl) Who is it?
Professor Neumeyer. We need to talk right now.
(Carl) Step back from the door.
Your special project, Carl. We need to talk about it
Step back from the door.
You crossed the line, Carl.
Who is it?
(camera whirring)
All right, Carl.
How about I take this to campus security
and let them deal with you?
Step back from the door!
Who is it?
(bell chiming, ticking)
Don't you dare tell me it's easy, okay?
Forget the picture, just look at the shapes.
(phone ringing)
Oh, here. (meows)
Come here.
(phone ringing)
Northwest Psychic Hotline.
Uh, hey, it's me.
Did you open the case?
Uh, listen, I'm gonna be a little longer.
Will you tell Claudia?
I'm stopping by Brad and Chantal's, then I'll be home.
Well, you promised to set up my telescope
so I'm gonna wait for you,
school night and all. Okay, deal.
Dad's gonna be late.
No biggie.
Hey, wait a minute...
Ha!
Whoa! Jeez!
(laughing)
You should have seen your face.
(laughing)
Oh, you bastard.
Hey, I want to show you this.
You gotta read this.
What is it?
A grad student's summer project.
Stick 'em up!
(laughing)
This is incredible. Hmm.
Look at this bullet hole.
Is there such a thing as grad school for Photoshop?
(chuckles) Yeah, but it's not flawless, you know.
I don't have a blue parka.
I don't own a green Jeep Cherokee.
And there's no way I would ever step foot
into a redneck bar called "Buck Naked."
Well, what are you gonna do?
I don't know, turn it over tomorrow to campus police.
Campus police?
Nuh-uh, you need the real thing.
Come on, J.T., this is really sick.
This is what they call obsessive behavior.
This guy is deranged.
This goes way, way beyond stalking.
You gotta take this stuff downtown tonight
and let the police deal with Carl.
There's no way to prove he did it.
Well, is he smart enough? Or crazy enough?
You know what he is? He's a religious fanatic
whose religion happens to be quantum physics.
Hey, wait a minute.
Look at this.
I'm on this suspect list,
and he's got my social security number.
My God, this could be identity theft.
If you're not gonna call, I'm gonna do it right now.
Wait, whoa, hold on.
I got a better idea.
There's a detective here.
Detective Irwin Sikorski.
(siren blaring, dispatch over radio)
Give me tape, lots of tape!
Give me room to live and breathe!
When you got here, what did you do?
Nothing much.
Checked for a pulse, but he was flatlined.
Dialed you straight up, Detective.
(siren blaring)
Well, let's see what we have.
Autopsy's gonna find that, or what's missing from that,
stuck in his esophagus.
Either asphyxiated, went cardiac or both.
No foul play, no fun for me.
Tell Donut Dan to lay us out a few dozen murder weapons
before I eat that evidence, would you?
Yeah, you got it.
Stand back! I live right there!
Excuse me!
Hey, unless you're the new evidence man,
get the hell out of my crime scene.
Detective Sikorski, J.T. Neumeyer.
I just need a moment of your time.
I'll give you a moment in my holding tank, Neumeyer.
Now get the hell out of here!
It's very important... please.
(chuckling)
(chuckling continues)
(meows)
(distant dog barks)
You know, if that guy out there
chewed like his mother taught him,
he'd be home watching the news by now.
How did you find me?
I have a friend who works at a newspaper.
They have a scanner, they knew you'd be here
and they knew you had a weakness for pastrami, so...
(chuckling)
I got a lot of weaknesses, believe me.
Hmm...
So, uh...
You're scheduled to die on Friday, huh?
Yeah, I hope not, it's inconvenient.
Always is.
Hand them out to those guys over there.
So, you got anybody in mind for this?
It's obviously somebody you know.
You must have some idea.
Well, there's, uh, there's a graduate student named Carl Axelrod.
So that's a start.
Why don't you, um, tell this to campus police?
They live for this kind of crap.
Doesn't it bother you that your, your name's on it?
Well, if it has to do with homicide, it better be.
I'm sorry, Professor, I don't do hoaxes,
especially ones full of holes.
Holes? What do you mean by that?
Well, it says here I didn't attend
the autopsy, right there.
"Tuesday, June 15th, 2:00 p.m.
Investigating officer is not present."
You know the last time I missed an autopsy? Hmm?
Neither do I.
You know, I don't know you from a hole in the ground.
But you don't look the type to me that hangs out
in a sleaze pit like Buck Naked.
No... no.
It's just a prank.
Some junior egghead
just trying to screw with you a little.
A little huh? Yeah.
I see people get screwed with a lot.
This is a little.
It's just paper.
Why don't you, uh, go home and just be thankful
you didn't die with a piece of donut clogged in your throat?
Thanks for the pastrami.
(clock ticking)
(dog barking)
Hey. Oh, hey.
When did you get back?
About a half-hour ago.
Did you get everything taken care of?
Yeah, for tonight anyway.
I'm sorry it took so long.
Oh, you know what? Hmm?
It was time well spent. She's a good kid, we had fun.
What do you say you run a bath and we have a little fun, too?
Hmm?
I'll be right up.
I'm just gonna show Jesse the Orion Nebula.
Those are baby stars, Jess,
made up from gases and space dust.
You know the light we're seeing tonight
was emitted 1500 years ago?
Wow.
You opened the case, didn't you?
Entrez. Hmm...
Care to join me?
Absolutely.
Thank you.
For what?
Well, for being here,
being so good to Jesse.
But most of all, for being naked in this bathtub.
Want to wash my back? You tease.
Absolutely.
I've got a present for you.
I thought it would be perfect for you, so...
What did you do?
Do you like it?
What's wrong?
But I just bought it, J.T.
How could Carl know right down to the color?
You know, I mean every second parka is blue.
It's a coincidence, it's...
I mean, it's... (chuckling)
Look, look, you weren't even at my funeral.
You wouldn't miss that, would you?
I mean, it's... (chuckling)
Claudia, look, I'm a physics teacher.
I'm a single dad.
I do jigsaw puzzles, for God sakes.
Who would want to kill me? I'm too damn dull.
Do you want to kill me? No.
Do you think Brad wants to kill me?
Why would Brad want to kill you?
He's your brother-in-law.
Yeah, well, but... I'm gonna show you something here.
You're both on the suspect list.
Wow, I'm a suspect. Yeah, along with Carl,
who worships me for some reason.
And then there's some guy I've never heard of.
Who?
Roy Bremmer.
All right, this is really unromantic.
I think we need to just put this away.
Let's take a rain check.
Well, I mean Claudia, you can still stay.
Another time!
Claudia, what's wrong? I...
Nothing's wrong.
I mean, I know this whole thing is kind of spooky but...
Nothing's wrong.
I just think it would be better
if we did it another time, that's all.
(clock ticking)
(clock ticking)
(screaming)
(J.T. singing)
♪ It's Jesse's birthday today ♪
♪ She's ten years old today ♪
♪ Oh, boy, happy birthday, Jesse! ♪
Don't be so loud, Pop.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Mwah.
Okay, now, you gotta make a wish.
Okay. Okay.
Good job. Thanks.
I point far, but not to the nearest star.
It's too early for riddles, Pop.
Whoa!
A laser.
Whoa...
Wow, Pop, this is great.
Thanks, Pop, I like it. You're welcome.
Does this mean I'm gonna get a telescope, too?
We'll just have to wait and see.
But you gotta eat your breakfast, we're running late.
Thank you. Mmm.
(humming)
(Jesse chuckles)
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Come on now, on my way ♪
♪ New song, got nothing to say to me ♪
♪ Nobody ever taught me how ♪
♪ To love you like I love you now ♪
♪ Oh yeah, it's all right...
Our first family portrait ♪
♪ This is nothing but shadows and lightning ♪
♪ Who we are is where we've been ♪
♪ Who we are to be... ♪
♪ No more sin ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Today I wait ♪
♪ Tomorrow may be too late Ha! ♪
♪ Somebody should have learned ya how ♪
♪ To love me like I love you now ♪
♪ 'Cause everything is just ♪
♪ Shadows and light ♪
♪ Me, I'm nothing but ♪
♪ Shadows and light ♪
♪ I'm gonna do you good ♪
♪ I want to do you good ♪
All right. Bye.
Bye, no after-school program, so I'll pick you up.
I know! I love you, bye!
Hey, Jesse! Oh, hey, Audrey.
(man) Oh, just put it over there by the elevator.
(radio announcer) On this day in history, June 7th,
Mahatma Gandhi initiated the campaign of civil...
(station changes to music)
(power tools running)
♪ The weather started to change... ♪
(dog barking)
(tires screech)
(tires screech)
(man) Whoa!
(barking)
(man) You tell me, I don't know!
(man) What are the odds of that?
Okay, why Professor Neumeyer is not dead.
Someone wanna have a go at the physics?
Oh, come on, people.
(man) Uh, gravity, sir?
(woman) Terminal velocity?
(man) The speed you were driving.
(Carl) The dog!
Dog is random, dog is destiny.
Dog is the reason Professor Neumeyer stands here
instead of being skewered to his truck seat, D-O-G.
Thank you, Mr. Axelrod.
This is not a graduate class, uh...
Could you please confine your comments
to the appropriate venue.
(clears throat)
Make the most of him, kiddiewinks.
He is the best physics professor you will ever have.
(students murmuring)
All right, please open, uh, your books
to Willard, page 16, "Principles of Particles."
So... I meant to work on reality sets all spring, but I got
hijacked by this idea... No office hours today, Carl.
Oh, believe me, it's okay. Here I just need you to sign
here and I need you to sign there.
No, I'm not your thesis advisor, Carl.
I need you to initial right there...
Dr. Popovich...
Oh, Popovich is a useless collection of subatomic...
This entire lobotomized faculty...
Carl, you're not listening to me.
I'm not your thesis advisor.
Do you know M.I.T. wanted me? Chicago, Cal Tech...
I chose this overpriced widget factory because of you.
Stockholm your refutation of Witten's string theory application.
You anticipated membranes.
That was a long time ago.
Yeah, but it is still in there and I want that.
Carl, you can be extremely annoying.
I can? Yes, do you know that?
Damn, Carl, social IQ.
I completely forgot what today is... for you.
I mean, death of your wife, birth of your daughter...
That's enough! No-no-no-no...
Personal life off-limits, Carl.
Right, okay. So when I research
a subject, I research it.
Like this idea that I've been working on basically since March.
Here, you forgot your jacket.
When you get a look at my special project... trust me.
Dr. Popovich will love it. It will blow your mind!
I'm sure he'll love it, yeah.
(woman) Denorvo Insurance.
Claudia, it's me. Are you busy?
You sound stressed. Everything okay?
Well, not really.
Believe it or not, I'm calling about
an insurance issue, and I am stressed.
What happened? You won't believe it.
(laughing) No way!
It's amazing, huh?
Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh (car door closes)
Uh-oh. Come on.
It's stuck, it's stuck! Oh! Oh.
I'm glad it happened after you dropped me off at school.
Yeah, me too. Thanks.
Did my mom like Pop-Tarts?
You know, I don't think she ever ate a Pop-Tart.
But would she like 'em?
Yeah, I think she would if she ever tried one,
but only on weekends.
Hey, look.
What is that?
Looks kind of like a laptop.
Don't touch it.
Hey, look, it's got your name on it. Jess!
Come on, pick it up. What?
Come on.
All right, listen, I want you to go stand back there.
Okay, Dad.
This is, uh...
It's locked.
Maybe someone knew that you were gonna be here to find it.
Come on, Pop, birthday puzzle.
We can figure it out, right?
Yeah, it's just that it's difficult to open a...
six-digit combination, see? See there?
(chuckling) Not for you.
Okay, we gotta get going.
We don't want to keep the others waiting.
Why not?
Well, you know, it's just not a good idea
to keep anyone waiting.
Okay, you all set? All set.
(excited chatter)
Oh, here they come! Quick, everyone hide!
Okay, everybody, come on, take your places!
Let's go! Okay!
Honey, just leave that, just come...
Just hide!
Quick, quick, quick, quick!
(shrieks, laughs)
Jesse loves this.
You mean you do this for her every year?
Yes, it's our tradition.
By the way, I invited Claudia to the party.
You did? Why? Because...
Hold on a minute...
Dad, the door isn't locked.
Well, no, I can't find my house keys.
Come on, let's just get this over with.
Surprise!
(all) Surprise!
(shrieking)
Happy Birthday! Thank you!
Thanks, Uncle Brad.
Hey, how you doing?
Are you okay?
Happy birthday. Thank you.
Good, yeah.
Happy birthday, Jesse bear.
Let me know if there's anything I can get for you.
(J.T.) Fine. Happy Birthday.
Oh, my gosh!
Is that my favorite organic carrot cake?
Maybe. Ahh!
Oh, boy...
Yeah! Yeah!
How are you? Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah.
(Jesse) That's an apartment complex.
(Brad) A whole apartment complex.
(Jesse) An apartment complex?
(crosstalk)
(woman) Can I get you a soda, sweetie?
(Jesse) Uh, sure, thank you.
Would you guys like a soda?
Do you have a root beer? Yes, I do.
Um, Claudia, um...
Yeah?
Maybe we should rethink these.
Why? They're toy guns.
Oh, come on, it's a birthday party, it's supposed to be fun.
Well, actually, it's not just a birthday party.
It's also the anniversary...
Of Katherine. Jesse's mom.
Perhaps you didn't know that.
No, I know that.
It's always a tough day for J.T.
Right.
Okay, well, why don't we ask him?
Okay... J.T.?
Ahh! (shrieking)
(shrieking and whooping throughout)
Ahh!
(door opens, closes)
Hey, you. Oh, hey.
That Claudia sure has some great, uh... energy.
That's what I was gonna say. She has great energy.
Yeah, she does.
So you got a new girlfriend.
You've got a new briefcase.
Is this a new J.T. sighting? What's next?
No, no, I, uh, I didn't buy this.
Somebody left this at Katherine's grave.
That's somewhat bizarre. Yeah.
Who knew you were going to be there?
I mean, besides us. Uh, nobody.
Well, that's not true actually.
You remember that grad student of mine, uh, Carl Axelrod?
(loud shrieks) Oh, oh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
I'll get you!
Get outta here, whoa!
Okay, listen to me, listen to me.
Document everything, all right. Yeah.
Every conversation, every impression.
And get witness statements if you can get them.
You're watching too much Court TV.
No, come on, you remember that math professor at Stanford? Hey!
No, you've got to be careful about things these days, you really do.
(shrieking and laughing...)
(distant shrieking)
(keypad beeps)
(distant shrieking continues)
(TV newscaster) Headlines for today, June 7th, 1994.
Friends and family of O.J. Simpson
are pleading with him to turn himself in.
(woman over PA) Dr. Davenport, to radiology.
Dr. Davenport to radiology.
I'm so sorry, J.T. We lost her.
(clears throat)
Come on, Pop, let's go open up my presents.
All right, I'll be right there. Okay.
(gasping) Oh, my God!
PlayStation 2! Wow!
I want one of those.
Oh, my gosh, look.
(man) Yeah, big score, big score, baby.
Jesse?
Whoa... Holy Cow!
(man) It's bigger than you are.
(Jesse) It's like up to there on me.
Jeez, it is!
Whoa!
(woman) What could that be?
(Jesse) I don't know.
(man) Guess, guess.
(Jesse) Flip it over.
It's a telescope!
Whoa!
She's a beaut.
Thank you. Thank you, Papa.
You're welcome.
Pop, let's set up my telescope.
I got to go out for just a little bit, Jess.
I cannot find my house keys.
They're on the infinity ring.
Where are you taking the case, Pop?
Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Jess.
When I get back, we are going to set up the telescope together
and we're gonna look at the star nursery in Orion.
Promise? Promise.
Hold you to it.
Thanks for staying, Claudia.
Hey! Hey.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Should I be taking this personally
or is it just the whole day?
No, no, it's been... You've been great.
No, I just... I...
I have to take care of this.
And it can't wait till morning?
I'll tell you what. I will tell you
all about it tonight in bed.
In bed here? Mm-hmm.
(J.T. clears throat)
Have you spoken to her?
No, but... I think she'll be okay about it.
Well, I'd like to know if she'd be okay about it.
Because if she's not,
a couple of months of hot dating
is all we're ever gonna be.
Well, I agree, and I think we should play it safe and...
Listen, I don't want to blow this either.
All right? We'll just be careful.
See you later, squirrel! Bye, Pop.
(ticking)
(exhales)
(Carl) Like, this idea that I've been working on
basically since March. Here, you forgot your jacket.
So when you get a look at my special project,
trust me, it will blow your mind!
(glass shatters, cat screeches)
(distant car alarm blares)
(Carl) Who is it?
Professor Neumeyer. We need to talk right now.
(Carl) Step back from the door.
Your special project, Carl. We need to talk about it
Step back from the door.
You crossed the line, Carl.
Who is it?
(camera whirring)
All right, Carl.
How about I take this to campus security
and let them deal with you?
Step back from the door!
Who is it?
(bell chiming, ticking)
Don't you dare tell me it's easy, okay?
Forget the picture, just look at the shapes.
(phone ringing)
Oh, here. (meows)
Come here.
(phone ringing)
Northwest Psychic Hotline.
Uh, hey, it's me.
Did you open the case?
Uh, listen, I'm gonna be a little longer.
Will you tell Claudia?
I'm stopping by Brad and Chantal's, then I'll be home.
Well, you promised to set up my telescope
so I'm gonna wait for you,
school night and all. Okay, deal.
Dad's gonna be late.
No biggie.
Hey, wait a minute...
Ha!
Whoa! Jeez!
(laughing)
You should have seen your face.
(laughing)
Oh, you bastard.
Hey, I want to show you this.
You gotta read this.
What is it?
A grad student's summer project.
Stick 'em up!
(laughing)
This is incredible. Hmm.
Look at this bullet hole.
Is there such a thing as grad school for Photoshop?
(chuckles) Yeah, but it's not flawless, you know.
I don't have a blue parka.
I don't own a green Jeep Cherokee.
And there's no way I would ever step foot
into a redneck bar called "Buck Naked."
Well, what are you gonna do?
I don't know, turn it over tomorrow to campus police.
Campus police?
Nuh-uh, you need the real thing.
Come on, J.T., this is really sick.
This is what they call obsessive behavior.
This guy is deranged.
This goes way, way beyond stalking.
You gotta take this stuff downtown tonight
and let the police deal with Carl.
There's no way to prove he did it.
Well, is he smart enough? Or crazy enough?
You know what he is? He's a religious fanatic
whose religion happens to be quantum physics.
Hey, wait a minute.
Look at this.
I'm on this suspect list,
and he's got my social security number.
My God, this could be identity theft.
If you're not gonna call, I'm gonna do it right now.
Wait, whoa, hold on.
I got a better idea.
There's a detective here.
Detective Irwin Sikorski.
(siren blaring, dispatch over radio)
Give me tape, lots of tape!
Give me room to live and breathe!
When you got here, what did you do?
Nothing much.
Checked for a pulse, but he was flatlined.
Dialed you straight up, Detective.
(siren blaring)
Well, let's see what we have.
Autopsy's gonna find that, or what's missing from that,
stuck in his esophagus.
Either asphyxiated, went cardiac or both.
No foul play, no fun for me.
Tell Donut Dan to lay us out a few dozen murder weapons
before I eat that evidence, would you?
Yeah, you got it.
Stand back! I live right there!
Excuse me!
Hey, unless you're the new evidence man,
get the hell out of my crime scene.
Detective Sikorski, J.T. Neumeyer.
I just need a moment of your time.
I'll give you a moment in my holding tank, Neumeyer.
Now get the hell out of here!
It's very important... please.
(chuckling)
(chuckling continues)
(meows)
(distant dog barks)
You know, if that guy out there
chewed like his mother taught him,
he'd be home watching the news by now.
How did you find me?
I have a friend who works at a newspaper.
They have a scanner, they knew you'd be here
and they knew you had a weakness for pastrami, so...
(chuckling)
I got a lot of weaknesses, believe me.
Hmm...
So, uh...
You're scheduled to die on Friday, huh?
Yeah, I hope not, it's inconvenient.
Always is.
Hand them out to those guys over there.
So, you got anybody in mind for this?
It's obviously somebody you know.
You must have some idea.
Well, there's, uh, there's a graduate student named Carl Axelrod.
So that's a start.
Why don't you, um, tell this to campus police?
They live for this kind of crap.
Doesn't it bother you that your, your name's on it?
Well, if it has to do with homicide, it better be.
I'm sorry, Professor, I don't do hoaxes,
especially ones full of holes.
Holes? What do you mean by that?
Well, it says here I didn't attend
the autopsy, right there.
"Tuesday, June 15th, 2:00 p.m.
Investigating officer is not present."
You know the last time I missed an autopsy? Hmm?
Neither do I.
You know, I don't know you from a hole in the ground.
But you don't look the type to me that hangs out
in a sleaze pit like Buck Naked.
No... no.
It's just a prank.
Some junior egghead
just trying to screw with you a little.
A little huh? Yeah.
I see people get screwed with a lot.
This is a little.
It's just paper.
Why don't you, uh, go home and just be thankful
you didn't die with a piece of donut clogged in your throat?
Thanks for the pastrami.
(clock ticking)
(dog barking)
Hey. Oh, hey.
When did you get back?
About a half-hour ago.
Did you get everything taken care of?
Yeah, for tonight anyway.
I'm sorry it took so long.
Oh, you know what? Hmm?
It was time well spent. She's a good kid, we had fun.
What do you say you run a bath and we have a little fun, too?
Hmm?
I'll be right up.
I'm just gonna show Jesse the Orion Nebula.
Those are baby stars, Jess,
made up from gases and space dust.
You know the light we're seeing tonight
was emitted 1500 years ago?
Wow.
You opened the case, didn't you?
Entrez. Hmm...
Care to join me?
Absolutely.
Thank you.
For what?
Well, for being here,
being so good to Jesse.
But most of all, for being naked in this bathtub.
Want to wash my back? You tease.
Absolutely.
I've got a present for you.
I thought it would be perfect for you, so...
What did you do?
Do you like it?
What's wrong?
But I just bought it, J.T.
How could Carl know right down to the color?
You know, I mean every second parka is blue.
It's a coincidence, it's...
I mean, it's... (chuckling)
Look, look, you weren't even at my funeral.
You wouldn't miss that, would you?
I mean, it's... (chuckling)
Claudia, look, I'm a physics teacher.
I'm a single dad.
I do jigsaw puzzles, for God sakes.
Who would want to kill me? I'm too damn dull.
Do you want to kill me? No.
Do you think Brad wants to kill me?
Why would Brad want to kill you?
He's your brother-in-law.
Yeah, well, but... I'm gonna show you something here.
You're both on the suspect list.
Wow, I'm a suspect. Yeah, along with Carl,
who worships me for some reason.
And then there's some guy I've never heard of.
Who?
Roy Bremmer.
All right, this is really unromantic.
I think we need to just put this away.
Let's take a rain check.
Well, I mean Claudia, you can still stay.
Another time!
Claudia, what's wrong? I...
Nothing's wrong.
I mean, I know this whole thing is kind of spooky but...
Nothing's wrong.
I just think it would be better
if we did it another time, that's all.
(clock ticking)
(clock ticking)