3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 6 - Why Dickie Can't Teach - full transcript

Sally is stunned to find Rutherford's 10 most powerful men don't include her beau, Officer Don. With Tommy about to matriculate, Sally focuses her alien super powers on getting Don to be the man she can be the great woman behind. Dick can't bear for Tommy to go away for university, so he pushes to lure him to the local clown college, where Dick teaches. Commander Dick can't admit his empty nest anxiety, so he stresses the diploma mill's advantages, like his fabulous teaching.

Good morning, everybody.

Harry: Good morning.

Well, what's wrong, Tommy?

All these different
colleges want me.

I don't know where to go.

There's harvard, Yale,
m.I.T., cambridge...

Hey, you should
go to that place.

Everybody's gorgeous, and
it's right by the beach.

That's the j. Crew catalog.

There's the school for me.

Well, Tommy, you could go
out and play the field,

But, uh, why not marry
the girl next door?


You think that pendelton's
better than Princeton?

Tommy, when all's said and done,

on Friday princeton
Serves fish sticks

and on Friday pendelton
Serves fish sticks.

Sally: Whoa!

Look! It says here
that princeton

has 8 nobel prize
winners on its faculty.

How many does pendelton have?

Let me tell you something about
nobel prize winners, Tommy.

They eat fish sticks and
we eat fish sticks.

I guess there's not
that big a difference.

Well, I can think of one thing.


I hadn't thought of that.

You and I, strolling arm
and arm through the quad,

swapping sandwiches
at lunchtime...

Oh, and you're always guaranteed
a date for the homecoming dance.

The other kids would
be so jealous.

Oh, yeah. Come on to work.

I'll give you my own
personal tour of the campus.

Can we hold hands?


Hi, hi, hi!

Oh, hi.

Here's the paper.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, you guys, look!

"Rutherford's 10
most powerful men."

What number are you, don?


number not on it.

What, have they just
never heard of you?

How could that be?

Sally, I'm just a cop.

But I... I once stopped number
8 for speeding, though.

He let me off with a warning.

How'd these bozos get
to be so powerful?

You know what they say,

under every great man
is a great woman.

Don't you mean,
behind every man?

Oh, you're dirty.

Behind every great man
is a great woman?

And you're mine, sweetie.

But, don, what have I
ever done for you?

I wear anti-perspirant now.

Yeah, well, that's True,
but it's not enough!

Don, I've let you down!

I haven't thrust
greatness upon you.

Sally, you aren't
ashamed of me, are you?

Oh, sweetie, no.

I love you just the way you are.

And to prove it,

I'm gonna tear you
down to the studs

and rebuild you
into the powerhouse

you've never dreamed of being.


Oh, Tommy, we are so thrilled

to have a student like
you consider pendelton.

We're gonna start by
showing you some slides

of Pendelton's magnificent
physical plant.

Nina, plug in the projector.


It'll blow out the toaster
oven in the faculty kitchen.


We are trying to recruit
a student here.

And I've got potato
skins working.

Then can you hold the
slide up to the light?

Dick, get my flashlight.

Ah, now, this is pendelton's
stately library,

housing over 2.3
thousand volumes.

You mean million?


Next slide, please.

Uh, you know,

I'm getting a little bit
of an eye strain here.

You're losing him.

Think I could just sit in
on a class or something?

Well, of course you can.

I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow you can try to sit
in on one of my classes,

but I predict you'll be
on your feet cheering.

Sally, what's going on here?

Oh! I am throwing
you a power brunch.

That's nice. What's
the occasion?

Well, I'm gonna turn you into a
success instead of a failure.

I am not a...

Hey, this jacket's
got my name on it!

I invited everyone
from the top 10 list

along with some other very
important rutherfordites.

This is mrs. Dubcek.

She owns quite a bit of property
in the Rutherford area.

I know her. She's your landlady.

Excellent. You keep networking.

Sally, I appreciate what
you're trying to do,

but I'm not in the same
league as these big guys.

Don, that may have been
True of you before,

but you've got Sally
on the case now.

Just think of me as the
wind beneath your ass.

Oh, my god!

You guys, it's number 6.

Gus demarmel.

President and ceo of
demarmel lunchmeat.

Ooh! That's good meat.

Gus demarmel!

Woo-hoo! How are
Peg and the kids?

My wife's name is Janet.

Little Peg jr. Know about that?

Hello, uh, Terry?

Terry, when you scheduled
me for this brunch,

did you bother to find
out who was throwing it?

You're fired!

Hi, Mr. Demarmel.

Um, rumor has it you're
looking for a new assistant.

Meet don Orville.

Organized, energetic,
a real self-starter.

Do you have any experience? No!

Well, uh, you know,

he'll be putty in your hands.

He'll work for free.

Good. I like that.

Be in my office, 8 a.M. Sharp.

Oh, thanks! He'll be there!

Hey! Congrats, don!

Let's get you some air.

Next, we measure the decay
width difference Delta gamma

for the mass eigenstates.

Assuming cp invariance,

the cp eigenstates and the
mass eigenstates are...

what? Leon?

Dr. Solomon, are you allowed
to dispense ibuprofen?

Wrong. Pitman?


Bug? Here.

Chimps! Cp eigenstates implies
that they are the same!

Dr. Solomon, there
is no possible way

we could have known that.

Oh, really? And yet,
my son knew that.

Didn't you, Tommy?

Well, I thought I knew that

until you started explaining it.

I can see them not getting it.

Oh, yeah. I know.

As usual, I'm handing out
sandwiches in the cemetery.

Class is dismissed.

So, slugger, how much
did you love my class?

Your class. Well,
honestly, Dick,

it was kinda hard to
keep from laughing.

I know.

They are so stupid.

They're not the sharpest
pencils in the box.

Not sharp at all!

And you, you're

Not a word understood.

I mean, I figured you
were a bad teacher,

but not hindenburg bad.

Hin... den... Burg... bad...




Demarmel meats.

I'll connect you.

Wow, sweet set-up, don!

Ooh, post-it?

Help yourself.

Don, you look magnificent!

But I gotta tell ya.

That phone call?

You didn't say your name.

So the next time you
answer the phone...

demarmel meats, this
is don Orville?

This is don Orville
at demarmel meats.

That's my boy!

Hey, don. Here, check it out.

Now you can take a nap

and no one's the Wiser!

Hey, Tommy, if I
were a bad teacher,

don't you think there would be

some slight evidence
suggesting that?

Your students have been in
the same class for years?

Well, so? You've been in
high school for years.

Yeah, but each year I
advanced to the next grade.

That was high school.
This is pendelton!

Pendelton Serves fish sticks. My
high school Served fish sticks.

I told you about the fish
sticks in confidence.

That's it.

I think you'd be a bad
influence on my students.

You are forbidden
to go to pendelton!

How does that feel?
Does it burn?

Actually, that's fine.

I'm starting to think you and me

going to the same school
would be a bad idea.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what?

This just in. You're
going to pendelton.

What? No, I'm not!

You are! It's an order.
Does it burn?

What is your problem?

So you're a bad teacher.

So bad, I thought you knew!

One more word out of you

and you're getting your
master's at pendelton.

But that is... care
to go for your ph.D.?

Dick, you...

Oh, look who's on
the tenure track,

dr. Tommy Solomon!

Can you hold, please?

Hello. Hello.

Mr. Demarmel's Office.

Well, it certainly is.

Oh, how are you?

Actually, I'm feeling
a little dizzy.

I'm sorry, we're breaking up.

That's news to me.

You'll have to speak up.

I said that's news to me!

Ok, good-Bye.

But I just got here!


Shut up! I can hear you
all the way outside.

Hi, don, honey, I brought
you a power shake.

How's it going?

Great. Uh, Mr. D was
complaining again

about how his chair
was too high,

and I found the knob
that makes it go down.

Oh, that's fantastic. Let's
celebrate at lunch later.

Oh, no can do.

Oh, but that reminds me.
I gotta tell him

they rescheduled the
bologna conference.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a coffee filter
crisis to defuse.


Well, I can see you're
busy, busy, busy.

Go get 'em, tiger.



Hey, Dr. Albright, do
you have a minute?

Oh, sure, Tommy.

Here at pendelton,

our doors are always open
to prospective students.

Thanks. Uh, it's about Dick.

I'm really worried.

He's being incredibly
selfish and bullheaded.


Well, I need your help.

We had this fight,

and now he's forcing
me to go to pendelton.

Oh, no.

Oh, Tommy, I felt so dirty

trying to get you to go to
this 2-bit clown college.

And rightly so.

You are a brilliant young man.

You should be able to go
to any college you want.

It's your life,
starting right now.

Well, what about Dick?

Oh, don't worry.
I'll talk to him.

You will? Aw, thanks, Dr.

You know, in a way, you're the
closest thing I have to a mother.

Oh, Tommy. Come here.


Oh, hey, Sally.


Oh, uh, don called.

He can't make it. He's
working late tonight.

Oh, good.

More lasagna for us, huh?

Boy, he sure is working hard.

But, you know, just for a
second today at the office,

I thought he was ignoring me.

Ah, no, he was just
blowing you off.

Well, work comes first for now.

I guess I have to
get used to it.

I am the woman behind the man.

That's right, second
fiddle Sally.

Harry, I'll never be second.

I don't know. You saw him today.

He's a young Turk now.

So what? He's still my man.

Well, I guess that's True.

Till he goes and gets himself

one of them trophy wives.


No, it happens all the time.

Gotta get your arm charm.

Oh, my god, I don't
believe this.

I polished that lump
of coal into a diamond

and now she gets to wear the ring?
That whore!

Well, what can you do?

What can I do?

What can I do?

I made him, I can break him!

Yeah, good. Then I get
my shot at that whore.


Mary! How did you find me?

You always come to the turtle
slide when you're upset.

I'm not upset!

Oh, Dick, there comes a time
in every young man's life

when he's got to spread
his wings and fly away.

Oh, Mary, where would I go?

Not you, Tommy.

It's time to let him
make his own decisions.

He's already made one decision.

He's decided that his
father is a lousy teacher.

Oh, he was just angry.

For as long as I can remember,

I've always been Dick Solomon,

brilliant professor of physics.

What am I gonna say now when
I go to the gas station?

Well, maybe you should
get back to basics.

Maybe you should remember what got you
into teaching in the first place.


You see those kids over there?

Oh, the ones playing
hopscotch so abominably?

Why don't you go teach
them how to play?

Go ahead.

You think?


Well, all right.

Well, hi, there.

Playing hopscotch, eh?

Yeah, kinda, but we
don't really know how.

Oh, well, what do you
say I teach you?

Here, the key is throwing
your rock nice and easy.

Why don't you try it?
Aim for number 9.

Ok, now try again.

Remember, nice and easy.

What part of "Nice and easy"
don't you understand?

You're a bad man!

Oh, right. Blame me. You're
not incompetent, I am!

That's it, run away!

Ooh, hey, stop that!

Well, Mary, I've been
humiliated and stoned.

What do you say now?

You're right. You're
a bad teacher.

Oh, Mary.

Aw, come here.


Come right in here.

You know, I think you are
gonna be very excited

about this presentation.

When I buzz you, bring in
one of the prototypes.

Mr. Demarmel, I'm your man.

Hi, don! Hi don.

Bad timing. Bad timing, guys.

I'm on call.

Any second, I have to bring

this salami into that office.

Mr. Demarmel's Office.

Uh, no. He's in a meeting.

Ok, Bye.

Did you just see a...
a salami...

What's wrong, huh?

I... I thought I grabbed...

forget it.

There's another.

Don, I am so impressed
with your organization.

Oh, I gotta get the tray.


What's going on here?

Sally, did you come
all the way down here

just to play hide-the-salami?

How dare you!

I'm sorry. I've been
under a lot of pressure.

There are only 3 of
those in the world,

and I've already lost 2 of them.

Harry, did you hide my salami?

I'm sorry. I've been
under a lot of pressure.


What's the matter?

It's go time!

Whoa! No, wait!

Just a moment, sir.

Sally, could you
hand me that tray?

Oh, sure, sweetie.


Who's playing you-know-what
with the thing?

Not me. Yeah, me neither.

Orville! The prototypes! Now!

Sir, I... I've lost them.

You've what?

All 3.

You're fired.

No, no, no, no, no.

He quits.

Don't worry about him, sweetie.

You're still number
one on my list.

Mr. Demarmel!

Demarmel: Is that the
prototype in your pocket?

Nah, I'm just happy to see you.



I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry I made you even
consider crap-Elton.

It was absurd.

You really mean it?


Ah, that's a relief.

You deserve to spend these
years at a college,

not a place where
the freshman dorms

had to be built by
habitat for humanity.

Thank you. Thank you.
And you know,

it really has nothing
to do with pendelton.

It's just I don't
think that you and I

should be at the same college.

Oh, well, don't worry about that.
I'm through with teaching.

It's the career fair for me.

Dick, you can't quit.
You're a terrible teacher.

That's your greatest strength.

What? I'm so confused,

I feel like I'm taking
one of my own classes!

Your real job is to
be high commander.

And the mission says you're
forbidden to change the world.


So, are any of your students

smarter than they
were 4 years ago?

Well, no.

That's right.

So what you're saying is,

by day, I'm Dick Solomon,

mild-mannered, incompetent
physics professor.

But by night, I'm Dick Solomon,

Brilliant, charismatic,
steel-abed high commander.

Yeah, something like that.

Tommy, I'm back!

And My first order of the day

is for you to pick
whatever college you want.

Aw, thanks, Dick.

Come here.

Hey! Hey!