3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 5 - Dick'll Take Manhattan: Part 2 - full transcript

Start spreading the news, the Solomons are in New York City!

IT's not easy being
single in New York city,

especially when you're an alien
visiting from a parallel universe.

Uh-oh. That's a little
too much information.

But there's nothing a little
success or a lot of sex can't fix.

Take Dick for example.

Finding his job shallow
and unrewarding,

he was ready to load the pockets
of his custom-tailored suit

with rocks and jump
into the east river.

Then he walked into
a dive on 48th

where people order
drinks on the rocks.

There he found his True love,

and that rocks.

I'm a lawyer!

While on the other side of town,

Tommy was a big success
on Saturday night live.

His head was as big as
the statue of Liberty's,

only there weren't any
tourists inside his face.

And Harry, either through

or sheer stupidity,

was climbing to the
top of his game

as a network executive.

Let's make one night
will, one night grace.

As for me, I've heard it said
you can't fight city hall.

I don't know if
that's True or not.

I just needed a segue into
"I'm sleeping with the mayor."

♪ Romance is mush ♪

♪ Stifling those who strive ♪

♪ I live a lush life ♪

♪ In Some small dive ♪

♪ And there I'll be ♪

♪ While I rot with the rest ♪

♪ Of those whose
lives Are lonely ♪

♪ Too ♪

Oh, Mary.

Ohh, that was beautiful.

Much more upbeat than usual.

Sweetie, I'm hurrying.

These boots are super high,

plus they're really
tight, you know?

Just put it down,
would ya, honey?

All right.

Don, I hope you realize
that this place

is a total waste of my outfit.

As long as I can see
it, what else matters?

You are such a doll.

Let's go someplace else.

You know I can't.

Of course I do.

Um, Tommy...

Hey, Darrell. What's up?

I just saw Ana out
in the hallway.

She's crying her eyes out.
What happened?

Yeah. I broke up with her.

Oh. Sorry. I...

Well, I was chomping at the
bit, you know what I mean?

Sure. Sure. I know
what you mean by it.

You know, Tommy,

it's really funny how quickly
you guys hit it off.

I've been trying to get Ana
to go out with me for years,

and she just never would.

And she never will, man,

because she doesn't know who
the real Darrell Hammond is.

What does that mean?

You hide behind your
impressions, man.

With all your wigs,
your funny voices,

she sees the Mask, and
she doesn't see the man.


Let me ask you a question.

What are you doing on
"Update" This week?

I was gonna do Sean Connery

talking about how it feels
to be a senior citizen.

Yeah. Well, why don't
you do Darrell Hammond

talking about what it
feels like to be...

to be Darrell Hammond.

I've been blind.

Tommy, I've been blind.

Thanks, Buddy.


Thank you.

No problem, guy.

You know, I don't think
it's such a good idea

for you to be spending so much time
in a seedy bar like this, Mary.

Maybe instead you should be
singing in a Broadway show.

What a great idea.

But I'm way ahead
of you, handsome.

It won't be long before I'll
be joining the cast of cats.

Got bad news for you.
Mary, cats is closed.

Damn, that was fast.

But here. I've got something
that'll cheer you up.

Whoo. Saks.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done this.

Oh, please accept it.

I never said anything
about not accepting it.

It's beautiful.

The saleslady called
it a cocktail dress.

I thought you'd get a
lot of use out of it.

Ok. So, um, I know you're not
supposed to go anyplace else,

but bear with me here...
what if we did?

What do you think would happen?

Well, you know
what would happen.

Oh, I know, but tell me anyway.

Well, you-know-who would
have my ass in a sling.

Ho ho, Oh, yeah. I know.


The wife.

Of course. Your wife.

You're married?

Simmer down.

My god. You're married.

This is so not good.

What's going on?

You've been ok with This
arrangement for years.

I have?

I can't believe I'd do that.
I am outta here.

Come on. Baby, baby, baby.

You know you're the one.

I'm gonna divorce her.

I just need a little time.





Albright. Kiki.



On tv: Um, you know, New
York is the only city...

isn't that the guy who
normally does the impressions?

Darrell. Darrell Hammond.

Yeah. Why isn't he funny?

It's some sort of experiment.

He wanted to impress
Ana gasteyer,

so he was gonna try
being himself.

Ah. Well, that's a
big mistake, man.

I told him.

Man, that felt so great.

Tommy, they were really
listening to me, weren't they?

They were, man.

Yeah. They were listening
for some jokes,

and they weren't
quite hearing them.

You know what? I've been known
to do an impersonation myself.

Yeah. Here's you. "Boo hoo hoo.
I'm Darrell Hammond",

"And I don't got a job no more.
Boo hoo hoo.

How'm I gonna feed my child?
Boo hoo Hoo."

Hi, Tommy. Hi, Mr. Solomon.

Did you see Darrell?

Um, Yeah. Yeah, some of it.

Oh, and that part about
me breaking my foot

on my sixth birthday? That
really happened, man.

Fact is so much
stranger than fiction.

Stranger, but it's not funnier.

Hey, guys, check this out.

Could somebody please tell me

where I can find
miss pussy galore?

I didn't know you
did Sean connery.

That's good. You ought
to do that on the show.

Can I open my eyes now?

No, no.

Now just a...

Just a few more steps.

Oh, Dick, I've had
my eyes closed

ever since the oyster bar.

What was that crunchy
thing you made me eat?

I don't know. I had
my eyes closed, too.


you can look now.

The manhattan skyline.

Hmm. Got anything to drink?


I opened it this morning so
those annoying little Bubbles

would have a chance to disperse.

Good thinking.


Would you, uh...

would you care for
An hors d'oeuvre?

Duck eggs...

Salmon eggs...

quail eggs...


anything you want.

The sky's the limit.

Dick, if you're intent
on spending money on me,

I can think of other
ways of doing it.

Well, like how?

Like giving me money.

I'm sorry. Was that too Blunt?

Yes, but money's not important.

What's important is that
we love each other.

What we have is True love.

I can't do it.

I can't take advantage
of another deluded guy.

Oh, no. You're wrong, Mary.

You're the one who's deluded.

Because whether you
know it or not,

we were meant to be together.

Oh, god!

I love you, Mary.

Oh, stop talking about love.

True love doesn't exist.

True love is real...

and powerful and wonderful!

Oh, don't you think I'd
like to believe in Love?!

Life would be a lot
simpler if I could.

Then pretend.


It's easy.

Come here.

What's that smell?

Is that platinum?


Oh, Donny, thank you, baby.

What are you doing here?

Isn't there some sort
of riot in the bronx?


Good thing we don't
live up there.

Sally, what would you
say if I told you

that when my wife asked me why I
was gonna be late again tonight,

I didn't lie?

Oh, my god.

You told her you
wanted a divorce?

No, I told her to shut up.

Uh, ok, you know,

I'm starting to feel real bad.

I don't know how much
longer I can do this.

Well, hang in there.

I'll tell my wife as soon
as I'm out of office.

I can't wait till you
step down as mayor!

Not mayor...


I'm going for the big one,

and I want you right
there beside me...

behind the scenes...

out of sight.

That is not good
enough for me, don.

I mean, I want to be
involved in your life

and Share tender moments.

I want to be your
secretary of defense.

Well, let's slow down and
reconsider this in the shower.

You know what? Forget it.

Ah, Sally.

No, no, no, seriously.
It's over. Get out.

One last thing...

can I still count on your vote?

Of course. We still
agree on the issues.

Just a minute!

Come in!

Hey, look at that
putt I just made.

Lovely. Very nice.


Mr. Solomon, your nephew
is here to see you.

Tommy! Good to see you! Yeah.

Good to see you, too, man.

It's funny. We work
in the same building.

I've never been up
to your office.

It's very nice.

Yeah, Well, lots of
room to putt in.

So, hey, can I sit
in your chair?

Oh, please.

I think you'll find
it still warm.


Hey, look at me.

I'm Harry Solomon, big
president of the network.

Look at me. I'm Tommy Solomon,

and I'm a big star on
Saturday night live.

I make important decisions

like where to putt in my office.

I get paid the big bucks

just for going
"Whoo, whoo, whoo."

Well, I've got some news
for you, Tommy Solomon.

Your ego has GOTTEN too big.

You're demanding too much money.

You're fired!

I am out of control,

and I do want too much money.

You're fired!

You can't fire me, you peon.

You're a lowly cast
member on snl.

No, I'm Harry now.

You're fired!

What? Yeah. I mean it.

You're really fired. What for?

Well, for the same reasons
that you just fired me.

Your ego's too huge,

and you want too much money.

Well, I'm not taking it anymore.

You're off the show!

I am that show.

Wait a second. Who are you now?

I'm me.

Well, then get
away from my desk!

You're confusing me!

You listen to me! Lorne
Michaels is my boss!

He can fire me! You can't!

Oh? Well, I'll fire his
sad canadian Ass, too!

Good morning.

Good morning.


This is different.

Well, what do you mean?

Being here with me?

No. I mean,

I can actually remember
everything I did last night.

So do I. I feel wonderful.

In fact, there's something
important I have to ask you.


Will you...

Will you move in with me?

Move into this beautiful loft?


We can have movers bring
over all of your things,

or we can just burn them.

Ok. What the hell?

Oh, yes!

You see, Mary, you see?
How does it feel now?

What? To know that
you're in love with me?

Oh, look.

I like the gershwin and the
eager-to-please lovemaking.

Oh, we were so passionate.

You called out my name 3 times.

"Larry, Larry, Larry!"

ok, maybe it's not my
name, But the passion!

I was pretending.

You told me to pretend,
so I pretended.

But it'll turn real.
I know it will.

Sorry, Dick. That
will never happen.

Love... hah!

Mary Albright can't
feel love anymore.

You're so damaged!

This life has been
so hard on you.

Isn't there anything I
can do to make you see

that we would be
perfect together?

No, Dick.

Maybe it would've worked in some
other time or some other place.


What did you just say?

No, Dick.

Maybe it would've worked
in some other time...

Or some other place!
I can do that!

Here. Quick.

Here, Mary, take this.

Come on, come on with me.

Well, you're just
like all the rest...

Tossing me out.

You didn't even let
me get dressed.

No, no, I still want you
to live here, Mary.

Go back to your place and
get your things right now.

Here, here's some extra cash.

You can get dressed in the cab.

Are you sure you
want to do this?


This is your home now.

I hope it'll make you happy.

Good-Bye, kiki.



Sally! Wake up!

Whaa? Aah. What?

We're leaving. I'm
going home to Mary.

Wait a minute, But she's here...

No. This Mary is
cold and soulless,

and only willing to do one or 2 more
things in bed than the other one.

The trade-off just
isn't worth it.

All right, look,

maybe you are willing to
give up all this nice stuff,

but I sure am not.

I mean, whoever said that
diamonds are a girl's best friend

never saw those black
pearls at Tiffany.

Hey, that sounded great.

Where's my laptop?

Forget the laptop!

I would think that
given what's happened,

You'd be dying to see don again.

I don't know. I mean,
after mayor don,

I just feel like I've seen a side
of him I really can't trust.

But that's not the
don you love...

The one who went to
community college

and... and went to night
school to become a cop.

And who went to
another night School.

After that one didn't work out.

The don who wouldn't hurt a fly

and... the don who loves you.

I wish that don was
here in this apartment.

Mmm, no kidding.

I'd almost be willing
to shack up here

with New York Mary if she wasn't

such a big ball of
emotional scar tissue.


We are gonna sacrifice
money for love.

We're so noble!

I know, I know!

How many shoes do
you think I can get

through that portal, huh?

Well, I'm off to work.
Is my car here yet?


we're going back to Rutherford.

Well, have a nice trip. I
think I left the iron on,

so you might wanna check.

No, no, no. Harry, um...

you're coming with us.

I don't think you understand.

I have got a network to run!

Look, we're not leaving
you here alone.

I'm not alone. Tommy's here.

No. He went through the
portal after you fired him.

Harry, you can't be
a network president

alone in Manhattan without
adult supervision.

Stop it! You're treating me

the way you always treat me.

Well, we're in New York now,

and I'm respected here.

You get his arms,
I'll get his legs.

Dubcek! I've got a
situation here.

Send security to the loft!


Well, that's a shocker.

Mm-hmm. I see.

Yeah. Well, good luck.

I don't believe it!

What? I've been
replaced by dubcek!

I'm so sorry, Harry. Oh, no.

They said that she
was really in touch

with what men between
18 and 49 really want.

There, you see?

Last one in the
shower's a dirty dog!

Oh, uh, shoes!


Ah, that was great.

Ohh! Home at last!

Aww, the damn shoes
don't transfer.

Ah, good old Rutherford.

What an inspiring view.

Yeah, the taillights on the cars

and the flame burning
over at the refinery.

You can even see the
fast food signs

out at the interstate off-ramp.

Simply breathtaking.

I find it dumpy and depressing.

Yeah, well, not the
pancake house.

You know, Albright, you
want to see depressing,

you should see all the garbage

they have stacked up
along central park west.

Were you in New York recently?

Uh, no, no.

Sally was, uh, just, uh,

looking at a travel brochure.

Was I a man who dreamed he
was a network executive,

or a network executive Who
dreamed he was a man?

Human beings... that is, we
human beings, are so strange.

We blindly go about
our daily activities

unaware that if we
only made a few

slightly different choices,

we'd turn out to be
completely different people.

Yeah, different lying,
Cheating, weasly,

horrible people!

Did I do something?

Oh, no, babe.

You're perfect just
the way you are.

And so are you, Mary.

Well, I'm gonna go watch tv.

My shows are on.