3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 3 - InDickscretion - full transcript

Tommy feels inspired by Jack Kerouac and decides to go 'on the road'. Harry tags along with him and they end up working at a nearby gas station. Dick & Mary and Sally & Don go on a double date and when Dick and Sally start praising their lovers' bed performances, Mary and Don get rather embarrassed. Back home, Dick and Sally realize their bed performances weren't praised and think this is because they suck in the sack.

Whoa, look.

That sexy New
French film opened.

They shot it 2 years ago,
but they had to wait

until the actress
was of legal age.

Yeah, I saw that
movie yesterday.

Oh, hey, how was it?

I heard there was an
awesome shower scene.

Oh, yeah...

but then this naked girl got in,

and you could barely see
the shower anymore.

I'm taking Mary to
the 6:00 showing.

Hey, don and I were
going to the 6:00.

Oh, maybe we should join you.

Oh, that would be great.
Does Mary have to come?

Of course she does, Sally.

She's my girlfriend.
She's paying.

Fine, but do me a
favor this time.

When we get to the theater,

don't yell "Fire" Just to
see what everybody will do.

It's my turn.

Well, family...

I'm, uh, off to work.

See ya later.

Fire! Fire!

It's never not funny.

That guy's got a million of 'em.

Yeah, and they're all that one.

Tommy, you know, I
meant to ask you,

uh, now that you have graduated,

I guess your mission as a high-schooler
is pretty much over, huh?

Yeah, that's True. On
to the next phase.

Ah, menopause.

No, Harry. He's talking
about college.

College? Uh, no, I've had enough

of classes and schedules.

I'm gonna do my own thing.

It's time to go out on the road

where life is a question mark.

Where you both:
"Make no promises",

"Follow no plans, and
careen across the nation

plucking experiences like
grapes off the vine"?

Yeah, well, I can't
be original yet,

but I'm sure that kerouac
was pretty Boring

before he went out on the road,

and that's what I'm gonna do...

Follow my wanderlust.

Well, I'm goin' with ya...

because I, too, have wanderlust

inspired by a different book.

You do? Indeed...

and one day, far from here,

you and I will point our fingers

at that bespectacled
man with the sock hat

and proudly say,
"There's Waldo!"

Harry, Waldo's a
fictional character.

Then it will be that much
sweeter when we find him.

Nina, what are you looking for?

It's wednesday, and dr. Solomon

gets all bent out of shape

if the "Angry eyes" aren't in his Mr.
Potato man.

You shouldn't have to do things like
that for Dick. That's degrading.

And it's not degrading
to go out with him?

Nina, it's wednesday.
Where are the angry eyes?

Oh, there they are.

Hey, Dick. Oh, Mary.

Would you like to go

to the movies tonight,
just you and me?

That sounds like fun.

And, uh, don and Sally?

That sounds like less fun.

Oh, come on, Mary. Come with us,

and bring your big purse,

'cause I'm popping corn for 4.

All right, but don't
bring that Walker.

I'm not gonna try and get you a
senior citizen discount again.

Ok. If your dignity is worth
$2.00 to you, then fine.

That was good.

I gotta tell you, Albright,

going out with you and Dick

was not quite the
spike in the forehead

I thought it was gonna be.

And to pay for all
our movie tickets,

that was just above and beyond.

Oh, well, Dick convinced me

that was the thing to do

when he grabbed my credit card

and paid for everybody.

Oh, that reminds me, Mary,

I'll be needing that card back.

Sometime after dessert.

Oh, no.

Hey, you guys,

why don't we do this
again saturday Night?

Great idea. How about it, Mary?

Why not? Don?

Well, I'll be on duty...


But I can make it.

How about that movie?

I know. That couple had so
much passion for each other.

That's how my Donny
makes me feel

when he looks into my eyes.


I don't know, I thought a
few of those love scenes

were a little gratuitous.

Mary, I'm surprised
you're so prudish,

especially since she's such a
hellcat between the sheets.

Oh, it's True. What Mary does

to my back with
her nails is art.

Stop it!

Stop it? Stop it?

That's something you'll never
hear her say under the sheets.

Yeah, well, not to take anything
away from you, Albright,

But my guy's no slouch
in the Sack, either.

Now remember, don's
a public servant.

He stays till the job gets done.

Sally, please.

You know, until I met don,

I had no idea you could get
a cramp in your boobs.

You can.

Mary likes to Chase
me around the bed

wearing nothing but a
tribal fertility Mask

and a small square of burlap.
Guess where? Not there.

Maybe I should get the check.

I'm gonna go get the check.

Oh! There's my cleaning lady.

Aw, man, look at this place.

See, this is the kind
of authentic americana

that you don't find
in Rutherford.

Nope, only if you
stand on our toilet

and look out our
bathroom window.

What do you say to a cup
of Joe and a hunk of pie?

I say, "Hello, pie."

What am I, with the rain man?
Where's the money?

I thought we had more
money than this.

Well, I thought I had smaller
holes in my pockets,

but that's what life on the road

is all about, you know?

So then, what, are we
completely tapped out now?

Uh... uh, you know what?
This is good.

This is, uh, good news, Harry.

This is how stories are born.

Yeah, I feel like kerouac
strolling into bakersfield.

Broke. Gonna make
some walkin' money.

And I feel like Waldo...

At the beach, poking out from
behind that cabana. Whoo!

Hi, Phil.

Can I help you boys?

You sure can, Phil. Uh,
my friend and I here

haven't had a hot meal
for a good 2 hours.

We're hungry drifters.

That we are, and, uh,
we'd be willing to work

for our 2 squares a day.
I'm pretty handy,

and, um, my friend here, um, can draw
fanciful caricatures of your patrons.

Fanciful caricatures.

That look familiar?

It's a square with
"Phil" Written inside.

Keep it.

Man, my hair can
do no wrong today.

Morning, Sally.


Uh, say, Sally...

last night, when we were
out with don and Mary,

did you notice anything strange?

You mean the way
they acted all weird

when we talked about how
good they are in bed?

No, no... no, the way
they didn't say anything

about how good we are in bed.

Hey, you're right.

I mean, what kind of freaks

don't openly discuss their
lovers' sex moves in Public?

Mmm. It's crazy, no?

Yeah, I mean, we talked
about everything,

I mean, politics, money...

don's friend Cyrus
from high school.

Oh, and Albright got really
passionate about electric cars.

She hates 'em.

So... so what's wrong
with Talking about sex?

We had just seen a
whole movie about it.

I know, I mean, you
see it everywhere.

Magazines, Billboards,
uh, music videos...

It's like the whole planet
revolves around it,

but when it comes to praising
my attributes as a lover,

Mary is bizarrely silent.

Don wasn't exactly beating
the drum for me, either.

That's 'cause there's
nothing to talk about?

Oh, are you saying We're
no good in the Sack?

Oh, my god.

♪ I stepped hopeful ♪

♪ Out of a dank shoebox
attic in Rutherford, ohio ♪

♪ In the wheat-swept bread
basket of America ♪

♪ A-mer-I-ca ♪

♪ And now I dwell ♪

♪ In a grease-marked
palace of drills ♪

♪ Spills, and guys named Phil ♪

All right. I'm famous.

Listen, Phil, tell
me your story.

What brought you to
this gas station?

Was it the call
of the open road,

the never-ending circus
of passing strangers?

Well, I didn't graduate
from high school,

and then my dad died.

That's a sad story.
I'm so jealous.

Well, Harry, we should
get back to work.

Help me put these tools away.

All right.

Mind if I grab a smoke?

Mind if I quit smoking?

I love this kind of work.

It clears my head. Real tools.

Not afraid to get
your hands dirty.

Oh, my god, what is this stuff?

This doesn't come out, does it?


Phil, do you have any club soda?

Hello there, honky-tonk Angel.

Anyone ever tell you that
you're pretty enough

to be on one of them
naked lady mud flaps?

Anyone ever tell you to
check under the Hood

and then drove right over you?

I get it. You want full service.

Mind if I smoke?

Does this tape work on metal?

'Cause my gun Barrel's
kind of loose.

Sir, uh, I've only
got one thing.

Would you mind if I
went in front of you?

Aw, Sure thing.

Oh, excuse me, I... oh!

Mary! Hey!


How are ya?

What a surprise!

Isn't this crazy?

How are you? Good. Good.

Good seeing you the other night.

Very. Yeah.



it was kind of bizarre.

Yeah, and what Sally said about how
attentive you are in bed, I...

well, what Dick said about
that burlap square,

I just can't get that picture of you
naked out of my head. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's ok.

What Sally said about you

keeps playing in my
head on a loop...

"Don stays until
the job gets done,

"Don stays until
the job gets done,

don stays until the
job gets done."

Tell me about the Mask, Mary.

Is it red? Is it red?

With pointy horns.

Holy mama!


Oh, price check.

I don't know her.

Good evening.

Table for 4, please.

Smoking or non-smoking?

That's what we're
here to find out.

Why the hell are we out again?

It was nothing. Just relax.

You think they know?

Shh. Don't be silly.

Dick: Come on, Mary,

ah, something smells good.

Ah, they bake their own bread.

Oh, that must be it.

Really, it smells, uh, nice.

Yeah, it sure does.

So, don, Mary, are Sally
and I good in bed?

It starts.

I think don and I would
prefer to talk about bread.

Is that True, don?

Or the butter.

Fine. Yeah, we'll
talk about bread.

Is, uh, Irish soda bread
uh, really all that...

Oh, I can't do it!

There's something the two
of you won't tell us.

We already know what
it is, so what is it?

Dick, I haven't the
faintest idea...

Mary and I kissed. Aw, jeez!

You what?


Wait, it wasn't
completely our fault.

You lit the Wick.
What can I say?

Oh, good. Way to
soften the blow.

Yeah, nice blow softener.

Oh, admit it, Mary. You kissed
because we're inadequate.

That's not it.

Come on, Sally. Let's
leave these thoroughbreds

alone in their stables.

Yeah, big stud and his
feisty little brood mare.

Mary, pay for dinner yourself.
Here is your credit card.

This place looks great. You didn't
have to do any of this, Tommy.

Aw, Well, yeah, I
have trouble writing

in a cluttered environment,

so I inventoried the tires,

and I composted these
old sandwiches,

and um, I stacked
these oil cans.


Oh, yeah, and I also put
all the dirty magazines

in Black shrink wrap.

Who asked you to do that?

I have to get that.
Where's Harry?

We got a business to run, man.

What are you doing?

You didn't recognize the theme

to Beverly hills cop?

Here, um, try this
one, all right?

"Here I am, rock you
like a hurricane."

Come on, we've gotta
get back to work.

I apologize. He's new here.

Harry, are we still
on for later?

We're all meeting
at the roadhouse.

Yeah, the band says
they can't wait

for you to sit in with them.

Oh, yeah. Just gotta
find an amp for my hose.

All right. See ya.

All right. We'll see
you guys later.

Who was that?

Oh, uh, that's, uh,
Amber and Duke.

Uh, she's a pole dancer,

and he's a pole repairman.

Nice couple. Hey, we're
going out later on.

You want to come with us?

No, I can't. I got a
lot to do tonight.

I got inventory and
receipt totals,

and I'm gearing up for
that tire recall.

Mmm, well, you sure?

I mean, uh, I could
cover for you

if you want to go out
and have some fun.

Harry, do you think that
kerouac went out drinking

and having adventures
with rowdy Characters?

Yeah, I mean, it
says right here...

I... I haven't had
time to read it yet.

Oh, that's too bad. You
have to kiss a man.

You know, normally, I'd
twist Albright's head off

like a bottle cap
for kissing my man,

but tonight, I just
don't have it in me.

Oh, who can blame them?

After years of wandering
in a carnal desert,

they finally stumbled on the
sweet oasis of each other.

My poor Donny, having to
fake it all these years.

Maybe I try to be too creative,

insisting that we make
love on the beach,

in an elevator, in that
office Supply store...

maybe I was just too
forceful, too spontaneous.

And I thought that showing up

in a see-through camisole and
a thong was all I needed.

Endless hot oil massages...

a leather Halter and a
sparkly platinum wig...

stallion-like endurance...



in bed?

Tell me about it.

Only if you tell me what
kind of stallion you are.

A great big one.

Both: Aah!

♪ The spent flesh of
my brother dinosaur ♪

♪ In cans, in tanks ♪

♪ Petroleum ♪

♪ Pet-rol-e-um ♪

♪ You have so many uses ♪

I got nothing.

A free bird.

Bye, you crazy Road hogs!

Ah, I like those guys. Whoo-hoo!

Whoo! Hoo!

Nice of you boys to show up.

Where have you been?

Well, uh, about the only place

we haven't been is jail.

Harry, we were in jail.

Oh, yeah. No wonder that bathroom
attendant was so aggressive.

Can you guys help
me out over here?

No can do, Tommy.

Harry and I are gonna
hit the open road.

Yeah, the Allman
brothers are in Branson.

We got no choice.
We're allmanheads.

Wait, you can't go. Phil, you
have to run the gas station.

I'm not like you, Tommy.

I don't want to run a gas
station the rest of my life.

Well, neither do I! Well,
then, come with us.

I don't want to do that, either!

If I go with you,
I know in 2 weeks

I'll just end up managing
the Allman brothers.

At this stage in their career,
that's just not smart.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm too organized, too driven.

I need to learn how
to be irresponsible.

I need to go to a place where my
potential won't shine through

and I can just veg out.

Does such a place exist?

Yeah, it does.

I'm going to college.

Another coffee, and
bring the pot.

I've got to lay low for a while.

Hello, don.

Sally! You look...
dressed to kill.

No, don, I'm dressed
to win you back.


Look, come on, I know
my curvy boobiness

can't compare with
Albright's mousy charms.

Is this a trick,
because you know,

I can get back-up
just like that.

Oh, see, that's just it, Donny.

I don't have any tricks,

but I'm... I want to learn,

I want to satisfy you.

So, I kissed Albright, and...
And you want to satisfy me?

Oh, yes. Please help me, don.

Well, I might be willing
to teach you, but...

it'll be rigorous.

I'll wear my leather
Halter and sparkly wig.

And we're back.

Dick, are you out there?

Dick, we've got to talk.


Oh, what are you doing?

Are you giving me the
silent treatment?

I invented the silent treatment!

Why talk? Talk Just
ruins everything.

One or two Slightly
colorful turns of phrase

can make a man dump a woman,

a woman throw over the
love of her life,

and a brilliant
college Professor

kiss his own sister.

Your sister?

I'm not talking.

Oh, Dick, what I did was wrong,

and I'm really embarrassed,

but there's a reason why people's
personal lives are personal.

I guess I better
watch what I say

no, I don't want you
to censor yourself

I love 80% of what comes
out of your mouth

but let's keep what's special
between us... between us.

So, you don't love don?

I don't even like don.

Oh, Mary.

Did you bring the Mask?


Oh, good. That thing

never did anything for me.


It was the burlap.