3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 2 - Fear and Loathing in Rutherford - full transcript

Can Harry and Sally scare up a date for Tommy?

"You almost won
a million dollars.

Please try again."

What does it say,
Tommy? I can't look.

Who cares?

Aw, man. Are you still
moping about Alissa?

What am I supposed to do?
She won't even talk to me.

Everything was going
really great right up
until graduation.

I don't even know
what I did wrong.

You gave a commencement
speech that was mostly about

making out with her
on her parent's bed.

No one ever
remembers those speeches.

If it makes you feel
any better,

I don't think you'll ever
do any better than Alissa.


If I could just talk
to her face to face,

we could work it out.
I know it.

You just need an
excuse to go over there.

I know. Um...

Think of something sentimental
that you gave her

and then just
ask for it back. Yeah.

That'll stir up her emotions
and get you in the door.

That is good.
Thank you, Sally.

A beer tap?

Yeah, remember? We rented it
for our senior party

and we forgot
to return it.

I'm out
40 bucks deposit.

I never want
to see you again.

20 bucks of it is yours.


See? There's
a spark here.

Alissa, honey,
who is it?

It's Tommy Solomon, Daddy.

All right. Come in.

Uh, the tap's
up in my room.
I'll go get it.

Hello, Thomas.

Hello, Strudwick.

I thought Alissa had given
you your walking papers.

I'm sorry. My what?

Dumped you. Gave you the boot.
The old heave ho.

Oh, yes.
Yes, she did.

But she's a big girl.
She can change her mind.

She can make
her own decisions.

And who's to say that
she won't make those
decisions with me...

in your Jacuzzi?

You shut your mouth.

Okay! All right.
Bye-bye, Daddy.

Where are
you two going?

What's in
that suitcase?

Those must be
my walking papers.

Dick? Dick?

Is Alissa here?

No, she's not, Strudwick.

Why don't you join her
and not be here together?

Well, she disappeared
three hours ago

with your
ragamuffin son.


Sally, throw him out.

Harry, bring me
a dictionary.

All I know is there was
a lot of whispering.

And when they left, Alissa
was carrying a suitcase.

Harry, did Tommy
say anything to you?

Only that he loved Alissa,
needed Alissa,

and would do anything
to get Alissa back.

Yet over ice cream cones,

he spoke highly
of a girl named...Alisha.

You know, Dick,
when Tommy left,

he did say he had a plan

that would bring him
and Alissa back together.

Oh. Young impassioned lovers
sneaking out of the house

on a secret mission
with a suitcase?

I'm stumped.

Sounds to me
like they've eloped.

See, I knew.
That's what I--

This is a catastrophe!

Now, now, Strudwick.

As fathers, we must
bless our children's choices

and let them
follow their hearts.

Dick! Does this mean that
you and beardy-face guy

are gonna be related?

No, not at all,
Harry. I--

Oh, my God.
We've got to stop them!

♪ [theme]

Seat belt on.

Lumbar support in.

Vanity mirror...

Where the hell is it?

We're in a fantastic hurry.

We have to wait for Mary.
It's vital.


Over here, Mary!
Hurry up!

Oh! I got your message.

What's so important about
a Charlie Daniels CD?

Chase music, Mary.

What chase?
What's going on?

There's no time to explain.
We're in a fantastic hurry.

Tommy and Alissa
have eloped somewhere.

Oh, no!

They might be at that little
chapel by the state line.

Great idea. Get in.
Chop chop.

Dick, could you move your
seat up just a little bit?

I finally got it
how I like it.

Go in through
Strudwick's side.

Hi, Tommy.
Hi, Tom.

Tommy, did you elope
with Alissa?

Mm. Goes to show ya.
I knew it.

But we returned
that tap together.

I convinced her to watch
a video with me tonight.


I just came home
to change shirts.

See, I figured out what was
wrong with our relationship.

She wants a man.

She sees me as an
immature doofus, you know.


I ask you this:

Would an immature
doofus rent this?

If I Were You, I'd Get Out
Of That House In A Hurry III.

What gives?

What do you mean? We watch
that, she gets really scared,

wants a big, strong man
to protect her.


It's all gonna go fine.
I know it is.

Or else I'll just
move to plan B.

What's plan B?


But sometimes even
they don't cheer me up.

Poor Tommy.
He's desperate.

If Alissa isn't scared
into his arms tonight,

he'll spend the rest
of his life heartbroken.

But you know, I'm a little
worried about this plan.

I mean, what if the scary movie
isn't scary enough?

Yeah. The problem
with scary movies is

you know they're not real.

It's a flawed genre.

What if we go over there

and make it real?

They'll be naked by 9:30.
That's right.

Here we are, Strudwick.
Pull over.

All right, Mary. You can
do your business here.

I would have preferred
a rest stop, Dick.

And I want to live on
Big Rock Candy Mountain, Mary.


I know.
"Fantastic hurry."

I don't blame Alissa.

How could she resist
marrying into the Solomons?

But Tommy
with your daughter?

Is this some kind
of science experiment
that got out of hand?

I always knew that boy
of yours would walk off

with something
from my house.

I figured it'd be something
from my curio cabinet.

If Tommy really
wanted to hurt me,

he could have just
jumped off a bridge.

At least that wouldn't
have hurt me.

What's gotten into them?

Alissa's mother and I didn't
get married until we--

until we had Alissa.

My God, Dick!
I think she's--


Gun it, Vincent!

[tires screech]

Dick? Is there an extra map
in the glove compartment?



[movie music playing on TV]

Okay, they're
on the couch,

but they're not
sitting very close.

Get over here.

Harry, listen and learn.

First, I got a chain
to drag against the wall.

Then I got a rubber axe.

Then I got tomato juice,
which doubles for blood,

and I got low sodium tomato
juice which doubles for blood

but is better for you.

This isn't scary.

We gotta be subtle.


Did you
ever see Jaws?

Okay. The scary part
was not the shark.

It was the hint
of the shark.

The fin. Oh!

Slicin' through the water.

What, so you got
something planned?

Yes, I do.

Harry, that's adorable,
but you know, as a warrior,

I think I know how to scare.

Well, as someone who's
always scared,

I think you're wrong.

Oh, really?

[screaming from TV]

This movie's pretty scary.

Yeah, yeah.

But notice that
all of the people

that haven't been killed yet

are in committed

with all their
ups and downs.



Not so tight.

Being in-laws
was bad enough.

But my blood
intermingling with yours

in the veins
of this spawn?

It's unholy.

Go faster, Dick.

I only want to jump out
of this car once.

Oh, no. No sweet embrace
of death for you, Vincent.

Like it or not, we're gonna
be grandparents together.

Well, if that's the case,
I wanna be called "Pop-pop".

I wanted "Pop-pop."

You snooze, you lose, Dick.
"Pop-pop." That's me.

That's not fair.

Take "Gramps" or "Gee-Gaw."


You just made that up!

Mary, have you
ever heard of "Gee--"


Was she with us when
we got that pecan roll?

No, I don't think so.

Good God, Dick! We left
her at Mile Marker 20!

[groans] She should have
said something.

She's unstable.

Has been ever since
she took up with you.

You Solomons. You specialize
in destroying women.

It's the talk of the town.
"It's the talk of the town."

I hate your voice,
I hate your face,

I hate your glasses, I hate
the men who made your glasses,

I hate--
Look out
for that deer!

Look out for what, honey?


There were two treasures
in my life, Dick.

The first was my daughter.

The second was
my economy sedan.

You've taken them both.

You're no saint, Strudwick.

You're the one who made us
wear these stupid t-shirts.

Our old shirts were covered
in deer blood and broken glass.


Call the fashion police.

You know, it's funny.

I used to bring these
creamers home to Alissa.

She'd have little tea parties
with her stuffed animals.

They grow up quick,
don't they?


I can remember
when Tommy

didn't even know how to
wipe his own butt.

Then he figured it out
all on his own...

and taught me.

You're right,

They do grow up
too fast.

This one's on you.

No, no, no. I insist.

Dick, I don't have
any cash.

I paid for the motel.

There's only $20
in Mary's purse,

and you made me spend
that on the t-shirts.

There's only one
thing to do, Dick.

Dine and dash.
Timing is everything.

Wait for my signal.

They're onto us.

Anything else?


We did it your way.

And you know who
got terrified? Me.

Tommy and Alissa are
farther apart than ever.

What could I say? I was
hoping you'd bleed more.

Now we're gonna
try it my way.

That's not scary.

Plus, you'll attract every
bird in the neighborhood.

Exactly. We'll feed 'em
a lot at first.

But then bit by bit,
we'll pull back.

First we'll
get 'em hooked,

and then we'll
get 'em pissed.

Yeah, and then slowly
we'll start to replace
the seed with human flesh.

That is not bad.

All right. How soon
do you think they'll come?

Maybe tonight.

Maybe six months.

Maybe never.

But they'll come.

As God as my witness,
they'll come.

Yeah, that's a great idea.
You know what?

While we're waiting
for your birds,

I hope you don't mind
if I get a jump on
my next scare tactic.

Go right ahead.

Why are you
putting that on me?

Well, I don't want to light
my head on fire.


Does your streetlight
sometimes look

like a flaming,
disembodied head?

Oh, Tommy. I've missed
your sense of humor.

You know, I went out
with some other boys
after we broke up,

but don't be mad.

It could be swamp gas.
Are we near a swamp?

But nobody
was like you.

I've decided
to forgive you.

[knock on door]

I'm a guest.
You should get that.

Officer Don.

Hello, Alissa. Tommy.

I'm here on
official business.


we found your father's car
on the interstate,

crashed and covered
with blood.

Oh, my God!

Do you mind?
I'm not done yet.

In addition, we found a dead
deer not far from the car.

This is horrible.
So my dad hit a deer?

Slow down, Nancy Drew.

That's one explanation.

Another is a tri-county
murder spree with your
dad at the center.

What does that have
to do with a dead deer?

Even a deer
can be a witness.

Maybe it saw something
and paid the price.

[police radio chatter,

Orville. Go.

[radio chatter,

10-4. Your father was
spotted checking into a motel

with a psycho wearing a tight
t-shirt and carrying a purse.

So my dad's okay?
He's alive?

Yes. But my cop nose tells me
that there's an ugliness

spreading throughout
this town.

No one is safe.

See ya.

Oh, Tommy.
I'm so scared.

Yeah, you should be.

[phone rings]


Solomon! Strudwick!
[truck approaching]

I'm gonna kill you!
[truck honks horn]

I think that's the person
that's gonna kill us.

Dick, my toothbrush
is wet.

Did you brush
your teeth with it?

No, I did not...brush my
teeth...with your toothbrush.

Well, let's try
and get some sleep.

I never want to think
about this day again.

Which part don't you
want to think about most?

Our abandonment of Mary?

Our collision
with that deer?

Or your coming epiphany
that I'm a nocturnal spooner?

'Cause it's all
too much for me.

I can't take it any more.

Dick, stop thinking
about yourself.

Try thinking
about our kids.

They've got no

no jobs,
no homes to live in.

You're right.
They have nothing.

They're screwed.

Our only choice is
to write them off.

It's not that simple.
There's going to be a baby.

A baby.

So pure.

So small.

So not-so-screwed-up yet.

It's a lot of work.
It takes a village, you know.

Yeah, but don't you see?

We have a shot
with a grandkid.

It's the next generation.

Nature's do-over.

I don't know.

Just picture it.

That first magical moment.

You're holding your perfect
grandchild in your arms.

He looks into your eyes,

reaches up with
his tiny fingers,

touches your
grizzly red stubble...

and says,
"I wuv you Pop-pop."

We can make this work.

I propose a toast.
All right.

To our grandchild.
To our grandchild.

May he or she inherit
the best from both grandfathers.

All right, dirtbags!

You're gonna get
what's coming to you!

Don't shoot!

We're gonna have a baby!

Thanks for stopping.

[Man] You got enough
room back there?

Yeah, whatever.

At least your
night is over.

Still not naked.

Nothing's working.

Hey, what if I do
an eerie dance of death?

No, it's too artsy.

I still say we stick
with the classics, okay?

We have three options left.

We can re-animate
a dead person,

pop out of Alissa's stomach,

or go in after them
with a power tool.

Let's meet
half way, okay?

'Cause I'm doing
the dance of death.

No, it's not scary!

But... I'll do it
with a power tool.

What is it?

I don't know.

[trimmer whirring]

Tommy, I'm really scared.

In these movies, the maniac's
always after the girl.

It's true.

He is always
after the girl.

Here's the girl!

Let's work

You were terrific!

We did it!
They're hugging!

Actually, he's being
a little rough.

But I guess
that's Tommy's style.

So you swear to me you
never saw that deer before?


I'm keeping
the case open.

There's our honeymooners.

Can't keep their hands
off each other.

Thank God you're here!

Tommy, I know I've shown
you nothing but contempt,

but I love you.
Welcome to the family.

There's something
out there!

I want to feel
the baby kick.
The what?

She's not pregnant!

But there's
something evil outside!

Not pregnant? No!

Vincent, are you
as devastated as I am?

Frankly, Dick,
I'm kind of relieved.

I'm telling you
we're not safe!

Are you abandoning me?
We were in this together.

We were in bed.
I was vulnerable.

Screw you, Pop-pop!
In your eye, Gee-gaw!

Will you people shut up?
We're in horrible danger!

What's all
the commotion,

Anybody need
any help?
Did you guys see?

There's something
out there.
It's terrifying.

Which part of the terror
did you find most romantic?

Romantic? He tried to
sacrifice me to the creature.

She called us
"The Creature."

Our work is done.

Look, it's been a long
night of dashed dreams
and close calls.

The important thing is that
we're all safe and sound.

And no one
has been harmed.

Why did you leave me!

[all screaming]

It's her!
It's the creature!

[all screaming]

I'll be damned
if Strudwick becomes
a grandfather before I do.

Oh, Tommy! Look!

There's one waiting
for the bus.

She's the perfect mate.

Hey, you!
Bus girl!

What is the attraction
about being
a grandfather anyway?

Grandchildren are vessels
of youth, optimism, and hope.

And the wonderful thing is

by the time they
screw up their lives,

your either dead
or completely out if it.

People don't
say that enough.

Tommy, look!
There's another prospect!

That's Dubczek.

Oh. Man, she fools
you from behind.

Closed-Captioned by
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