3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 6, Episode 1 - Les Liaisons Dickgereuses - full transcript

To Mary's chagrin, her rich and spoiled sister Renata is donating a new wing to the university museum. Mary explains Dick and Nina how much she loathes her sister and Dick thinks up a plan to pay her back for all the grief she caused Mary. Meanwhile, with the money self-proclaimed philanthropist Renata gave them, Sally and Harry buy some new furniture and turn the Solomon's living room into a youth center. As it turns out, Sally and Harry's methods of handling a group of teenagers are a bit unorthodox, to say the least.

There! Right there!

That's where they're putting it.


I know. How dare they attach
the new wing of the museum

onto the rest of the museum?

It's gonna block my view.

It is literally going to
cast a shadow on my office.

As opposed to figuratively
casting a shadow?

Yes, jerk, as opposed
to figuratively.

No. I don't think you
see what I'm saying.

You see, the shadow is, of
course, literal, unless...

Unless it was donated by
my sister Renata Albright.

Your sister?


You never told me
you had a sister.

Well, I don't like
to talk about her

only because it
reminds me of her.

The minute she was
born, my life changed.

She was showered with attention.

She was given everything. She
was supported endlessly.

And I had to stand by and
Rinse out her things.


so you're the good sister?

Doesn't the firstborn
kind of pave the way?

I'm sure she's grateful.


She's the smart sister,

the successful sister,
the pretty sister.

And every second she has, she
crams it down my throat.

She is evil!


Speak of the devil!

Me, too.

Mary, would you like a
carafe of anything?

I drank at home. Thank you.

So, have you married again,

or do you not want
to discuss business?

Oh, now, Now, Mary, I
traveled all this way

to help your little
school's art room.

Why can't you just
say thank you?

Because it was an act of hostility
designed to humiliate me.

And to showcase Holland's
premier architect.

Flim vanderkoos.

You are so affected.



Worldly. Face-lifted.

30. I hate you!

I love me!

Uh, we're gonna regroup and
come back with a real zinger.

Well, well, well.

Aren't you the loyal boyfriend?

Hmm, I guess that's something
Mary has that I don't.

Oh, I'm loyal.

Fiercely loyal.

And quite cute.

Hey, lady!


You're paying for
this whole thing?

Man, you must make a Butt-load
of money at your job.

If you can afford a
whole new museum,

what kind of job
is that, I wonder.

I'm a philanthropist.

I give to worthy causes.

Ok, I don't have all this fleshed
out, but here are the bullet points.

Children, herbal ecstasy,

and motor vehicles.

Excuse me.

No! We'll think of something.

Oh, Dick's gonna
be so impressed.


Dick Solomon?

Yeah. He's our brother.

You know, I would
like to help you.

What about a teen center?

We love working with teens.

It's practically our life!

Yes. I'll give you $10,000.

Make it 10.

She just made it 10.

I knew she'd cave
under the pressure.

Oh, I don't know
why I even bother.

It's too late. The
damage has been done.

My parents gave all the
sunblock to Renata.

Oh, Mary...

I hate what the sun and
Renata have done to you.

They've taken away all
your self-esteem.

Oh, not just my self-esteem.

Everything I have, Renata
wants and eventually gets.

And guess Who's the shiny new
bauble she's got her eyes on now.



She touched my bum.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know what to
do, except giggle.

It's pathological with her.

She has more than I ever
will, and now she wants...

what little I have.

Well, she's not going to get it.
Not this time.

What do you mean?

It's brilliant, Mary.

We'll turn her advances
into our advantage.

We'll stage a row
in front of her

and pretend to be on the outs.


I'll seek out her comfort.

Woo her, win her, and then,

when the time is right,

I will break her heart.

No! Yes.

We'll pay her back
for all the pain

she's inflicted on you.

And there won't be money
enough in all the world...

to mend her.

Oh, Dick, I'm appalled.

Your plan is ridiculous.

It's risky. It's...
it's horrible!

It's positively French. Do it!

Well, it took a lot of work,

but we sure turned that dive
into a great place for the kids.

Yeah. We're gonna be late.

Come on, let's get on
over to the teen center.

Right on.

Oh, man...

those kids sure are lucky
to have a place like this

to hang out for an
hour a day, huh?

10 grand well spent.


Well, it's all about the kids.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Harry,

I cry for those kids and
their lousy role models.

Yeah. Hey! You know what?

We should put a wet
bar right here.

So the kids can see adults
drinking responsibly at work.

That's a good idea.

I think this is the place.

Uh, hi. Is this the Renata
Albright teen center?


Oh! Yeah!

Yeah! Sure, sure. Come on in.

Come on in. Yeah. Hey!

This is the place where
you can just hang out

and be yourselves.

First lesson, sweetie.

Um, you see that
expensive leather Couch?

Well, that's your brain.

And you see your
Butt on that Couch?

That's your brain on drugs.

So, get the hell off my Couch.

No, Mary! I do not think this
sculpture is clunky and reductionist!

Well, it is!

Everything looks like an
umbrella rack to you!

You need to develop your eye!

Dick, I cannot...

Cannot! Or will not?

I love art, Mary.

Art touches me.

But maybe you shouldn't anymore.

No objection here!

Right back at you,
you frigid frump!

Have a nice day!

You, too! Oh, and, Mary...

nice touch.

Hey. What was that?


Is everything ok?


Want to talk about it?

Really, you wouldn't mind?

How does greek food sound?

I've never had it.

Mary's allergic to feta.

I know.

I know.

Well, Renata, you are
full of surprises.

When you suggested greek food,
I had no idea you meant...

in greece.

Well, Darling, there are
more surprises yet to come.

And when you said, "Your jet,"

I thought you were referring to
your subscription to jet magazine.

Although, maybe you can still answer
my questions about ray Charles.

Is he... Champagne, Darling?


Why, thank you.

Renata, may I ask you an
impertinent question?

Yes, please do.

Are there movies on this flight?

'Cause I still haven't
seen shanghai noon.

Ok, you guys. This is
a bonding exercise

with a lesson in trust.

Now, lj, you're gonna
stand right there,

and you're gonna fall
backwards into my arms.

Ok? And I'm gonna catch you.

All right? Now trust me.


Trust no one!

So let's share, all right?

Eh, you.

What's it like at
night in your home?

Now, be honest.

Ok. At night...

My dad comes home
usually around 6:00

if he's not doing a surgery.

We all have dinner, and then
we discuss current events.

Oh, my God. Hmm... Yeah.

That sound familiar to anyone?

Yeah, too familiar.

Ok, See, uh, you
guys need a group.

Y-you can't go
through this alone.

So we've discussed this,

and we've decided to divide you
guys into 2 different teams.

The red team and the blue team.

That's right. See,
research has shown

that it's important to have
a common "Goal" Or "Enemy."

And you 2 groups will
compete Against each other.


Now, Within your group,

you will become
closer than family.

And if any of you want to drop
out from one of the groups,


I pity that guy.

Yes, we'll have...

Ehete tipote pis emeras?

Dick, do you speak greek?


Well, Dick, I don't
suppose you dance greek.



Ha Ha ha!




Dick, you're spectacular!

I know.

Oh, are you happy, Darling?

Are you smitten with me?


Then I'm very happy.

Oh! Hi, Mary.

Dick, where have you been?

Oh, I went to lunch with Renata.

I know, 3 days ago.

Well, you can't go to santorini
without going to mykonos.

You went to greece?

Yes. Oh, but, Mary,
you can't stay.

Renata will be here any second.
She's picking me up.

Oh, Dick, you're
making me nervous.

She's a very powerful woman.

I'm beginning not to
trust our plan anymore.

No, no, but you must trust it.

I am guiding the
moth into the flame.

We are so close to
ensnaring Renata.

And I am so close to
meeting Elton John.



Oh, there she is now.

You gotta get out of here.

I don't want to leave you.

Well, then stay. Stay and watch.

Oh, and, Mary,



there you are.


Well, this is the first time
I've ever been in your...


Physically, yes.

But you've been
here many times...

in here.

No, Darling. I have to admit

at first I thought you'd
be just another notch

on my piss-off-Mary belt.

But I must say I'm
falling for you.

If you fall, I will catch you.

Come on, Darling, let's go.

Oh, Renata...

Chase me.



W-where did you come from?

Oh, you're good, Dick.
You're very good.

T-thank you.

Hello, Mary.


Oh, I guess you've heard.

Dick is madly in Love...

with me!

Yes, I've heard.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm insanely happy.

I'm actually glad that you fell for
my boyfriend hook, line, and sinker.

Even if I had to hear
it in that fake voice.

It's not fake! I paid for it!

Euro-trash! Teacher!


Pork chop!

Good afternoon, Mary.

Well, if we're gonna turn the
kitchen into the New senior center,

it's gonna take a lot
of elbow grease.


Hi, everybody.

Man, Dick, we are
having so much fun

spending Renata's money.

Oh, good. Good.

And you must be having a blast.

I mean, blowing
through all her cash.

You're not even doing
it for a good cause.

But I am!

I'm doing it for a very good cause.
For Mary.

Oh, come on, Dick. You could've
burned Renata a long time ago.

But you guys have even
made Thanksgiving plans.

Well, everything was booking
up so quick in aspen.

My god! What am I saying?

This has got to stop!

Why? This is the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

It's not supposed to be for us.

I was doing it for Mary
because I love her.

Nothing else matters.

I'm going over to
Renata's hotel room now,

and I am breaking her
heart, exactly as planned.

Harry, call the limo.

Oh, Darling, at last.

Dick? What is it?

Renata, there is no
easy way to say this.

I am a ruthless man.

That's what attracts
so many women to me

and often destroys them.

Are these my shirts from Saville row?
When did they come in?


But I wanted to save
them for today.

They were here yesterday?!

Well, yes, But, Darling, I have
something very important to ask you.

If the question is when do I want
my shirts, the answer is right now!

Darling, I can't wait any longer.
I must ask you right now.

What is it? Dick...

This last week has
been so magical.

Well, will you marry me?

Marry you?!

Oh, please say yes.

Do you even have to ask?


Ok, so it's come
to our attention

that a fight broke out today between
the red team and the blue team.

That's not cool. Not at all.

Now, we have devised
a simple plan

to keep this kind of incident
from breaking out again.

The north side of the teen
center will belong to the reds.

The south to the blues.

All right, you got that, guys?

Now, get out of here.
No more fighting

unless you have to defend
your turf, obviously.

That's right. Remember,
friendship is fleeting.

But a tattoo, that's forever.

Dick! What's going on?

You were supposed to break
her heart, not propose.

N-no. She proposed to me.

Well, I can't believe
you accepted.

I'm beginning to think
you want to be with her.

No! No! No, Mary,
on the contrary.

This will be our
greatest moment.

Being jilted at the altar is
the ultimate in humiliation.

Renata will be dumped
from dizzying heights

with everyone watching.

I'm not sure even
she deserves this.

She does, Mary. You know that.

Yes, I do.

Gather around, Darling,
it's time to start.

Yes. Sit down, Mary.

Sit and watch and enjoy.

Welcome all to this special day.

Harry, whose turf
is this museum?

Uh, the reds'.

Then what's the blue
team doing here?

Um, we invited them.


so, Renata Albright,

do you take Dick Solomon
to be your husband?

Oh, I do.

And, Dick Solomon,

do you take Renata
Albright to be your wife?

Of course I do!

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

Dick, Dick, Dick! Dick, Dick!
Dick! Dick!

Oh, maryberry, don't wreck this.

No! I am not going to let my
boyfriend Marry my sister.

But he's not your
boyfriend anymore, Mary.

He's my husband.

Yeah. She has a point, Mary.

Now that I'm married,

it's really not quite right for
us to keep seeing each other.


Stay the course. When the
kids are in grad school,


Forget it!


the sham marriage was
designed to humiliate you.



But like everything else
in your charmed life,

it turned on its head and
blew me out of the water.

Nice plan, Dick!

Is this True?

You planned to hurt me?

No, no. She's really
mischaracterizing the plan.

It was more of a
polite wake-up call

segueing into a lifetime of joy,
reconciliation, and sisterly love.

And I'm so happy it worked out.

3 musketeers! Hands in!


You want him, you've got him!

He's all yours!

No... Mary! Renata!
Y-you don't...

I have an announcement to make.

"The red team would like to invite
the rolling blues out to the gazebo

to have their asses
handed to them."

What happened to
all the furniture?

Aw, the kids.

They were rotten
from the get-go.

My only regret is that
we cared enough to try.

They were animals!

I'm here to get my things.

Oh, hey, you know what?
That's a good idea.

We should go get
our old furniture

back from that homeless shelter.


So, Mary, uh...

I guess that sister of yours

sort of did a number
on both of us, huh?

I never understood the
phrase "Team of lawyers".

Until they all surrounded
me right after the wedding.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I bet you made out like a
bandit in the divorce.

What did you get, the plane...

or the chalet in gstaad?

No. I was offered them both,
but I didn't take either.



No, the only thing I
insisted on in fact was.

Renata's promise not to
build that museum addition.

You know, the one that was gonna
cast a shadow on your office.


you planned this all along?

I... I did?


You wooed her, you wed her,

but you kept your
eye on the prize.

We beat Renata!

Well, Mary...

I am a ruthless man.

Make love to me, Dick.

Well, all right, but I warn you.

I just got divorced an hour ago,

so you're getting
me on the rebound.

I'll take my chance.