3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - full transcript

Mary admits to Dick she's been studying the Solomons for the past four years (because they are a typical one-parent American family) and that she's now been offered the chance to make a documentary about them. Dick agrees, seeing this as a perfect opportunity to prove they pass for humans. However, the Solomons are worried they might be exposed as aliens and, during the filming, they almost are. In trying to cover up the secret they're aliens, they make up other secrets: Sally's a lesbian, Tommy wets his bed and Harry is an alcoholic.

And why do these people

insist on putting their
biographies in the paper?

Like they're so great.

"Beloved" This and
"Devoted" that.

Dr. Solomon, those
are the obituaries.

Well, I want one about me.

Hopefully soon.

Dick. Oh, good, you're here.

I want you to meet
Jeffrey Malone.

He's from the
Fleischman foundation.

Jeffrey, this is Dick Solomon.

Oh, so this is the guy.

Yes, this is the guy.

And this guy and I have
to have a little talk.

What is it, Mary?

Remember that article
I wrote last year...

"Where's mommy?"...

Dissecting the post-nuclear
American family?

Oh, yes. About that
tyrannical Blowhard

and his ridiculous relatives.

Uh-huh. Honey...
that was about you.

You mean I'm Dirk Sullivan?

Yes. I've been
observing your family

for the past 4 years.

You what?!

And the Fleischman foundation
has given me a grant

to make a documentary on the
typical American family.

Your family.


The recognition I deserve.

We'll be glorified as the
ideal American family.

Not ideal so much as... typical.

Nina. Scratch the obituary.

I don't want to get overexposed.

Dr. Albright is, uh...
she's right in there.

Dick, are you sure about
this movie thing?

Well, of course.

They totally buy us
as a human family.

This is incredible
validation of our mission.

Look, it's bad enough

that Albright's been
studying us for 4 years.

Now she wants to film us?
I don't like it.

Why not?

We could be exposed as aliens.

Maybe a few years ago when
we were complete weirdos,

But look at us now, lieutenant.

We are an ideal family.
We're perfect for this.

And what's more, we get a
professionally produced

record of our mission out of it.

Yeah, like a wedding video.

That's True.

We screwed up every status
Report we ever tried to file.

Why not let Albright do it?

Because it's too great a risk.

Oh, come on.

Every earth family wants to
be immortalized on film.

We'd be suspicious if we
didn't want to do it.

Is that what you
want, lieutenant?

I didn't realize we were
on a suicide mission.

Why don't we all wear t-shirts

that say, "don't film
us, we're aliens."

All right, all right.

I get your point.

Ok, everybody,

I think we're about
ready to start.

Now, remember, we are not here.

Uh... well, where...
Where are you?

We are here... but we're not.

So just be yourselves.
That's what we need.

Just pretend these
cameras are not here.

Just act perfectly natural.

Ok. But it's not natural to act

like there aren't cameras here

when there are cameras here.

That's True.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we notice the cameras

and then act surprised?

Mary: No, no, no, no!

That's not going to work.

Ok. Start.

What's wrong?

Aren't you going
to say "Action"?

Sally, this is a documentary.

You don't have to say "Action."


Ah. Nice day, huh?

Just 30 years ago,

the traditional 2-parent
nuclear family was the norm.

But in our increasingly
fragmented 500-channel world,

all that has changed.

To quote myself in
an article I wrote

that inspired this film,

where has that norm gone,

and will we ever get it back?

How do I look? Do I look fat?

Not... fat.

What's that supposed to mean?


Dick: We're just
an average family.

I suppose, to the outsider,

we might seem a
little unorthodox,

but what does this
"Outsider" Know anyway?

Who is he to judge us?

Screw him.

Uh, well, this is my room.

Uh, let's see.

At night sometimes,

the moon cuts through the
mullers' tree over there

and makes some Real
weird shadows in here.

Sometimes when it's Windy,

you can hear scratchy
noises out at the window.

Dick and Sally say that
it's just branches,

but... man,

sometimes it sounds like
a dead guy's fingers.

Um, me and don...

Oh, that's my boyfriend.

Don. That's my boyfriend.

Um, we've been through
a lot together.

I lost my virginity.

That was big.

Um, then I moved out on my own.

And then I moved back in.

So basically, I'm a nonvirgin

who's moved twice.

That's not bad.

There was a time in my life

when I considered being the ceo

of a fortune 500 company.

But in a situation like that,

you really have to ask yourself,

"Have I been offered this job?"

The dinner hour at
the Solomon's house.

A time for eating and a
time for revelations.

"There is no substitute
for hard work."

Oh. How True is that.

Harry, what does yours say?

Oh. Um...

"Your life is like a Kite...

Harry, did you eat yours Again?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Hey, guys, check mine out.

Ahem. "You are a gifted Leader"

who will inspire Many."

Sally, I think that
one was meant for me.

This must be yours.

"A smile opens many doors."

No. I think I'll stick
with the one I got.

Come on, Sally, it's clearly a mix-up.
Hand it over.

You're not getting
my fortune, Dick.

You are playing with fate.

Now give me back my damn
fortune, lieutenant!


Lieutenant. That's, uh...

it's a nickname.

Our dad used to call me that.

Right. 'Cause he
was in the navy.

Yeah. That's why we
moved around so much.

Mary: Dick, you never
told me about that.

Well, it was top secret.

We actually lived in a
submarine for 2 years.

Yeah. A yellow one.

Dad's a great guy.

You'll really like him.

Mary: Dick, you always
said your father was dead.

She meant, you'll
like his corpse.

Family meeting.

"We lived on a submarine."

What was that?

Well, if you hadn't
called her lieutenant...


Excuse us.

Sally: I told you
this was a bad idea.

Dick: Calm down.

I think we're still
coming off quite Nicely,

me especially.

Yeah. You're looking good.

Well, I am so glad you're
pleased with yourself,

but I, for one, do not
want to be exposed.

Mary: Exposed as what?

Exposed? Sally didn't
say "Exposed."

We have it on film, Dick.

Well, it's just that Sally doesn't
want to be exposed for...

what she really is.

Which is, uh...

a lesbian.

No way!

No, I'm not.

I... I date don.

Mary: Then what is it, Sally?

What are you afraid
of being exposed as?

A lesbian.

And we're so proud of her.

Well, onwards and upwards.

Thanks, Dick. Thanks a heap.

Can I be there when
don finds out?

Only if I can be there when Alissa
Finds out your little secret.

What? Bed-wetter.

Excuse me?

I'm just trying to
tell the truth here.

Ohh... dude.

Well, that's our 2 secrets.

Every family has 2,
and you've got ours.

Well, if I do wet my bed,

it's only because
I'm afraid of you.

Afraid of me?

Why would you be afraid of me?

Don't hit me!

Sally, protect me, please!

How dare you accuse me of
that, you little runt!

There. You see why
I prefer women?

Sorry. Mary, we made
a mess of your film.

Obviously, all this is unusable.

I know how important
this is to you.

But how about I go out and
buy you a nice lunch?

You're still
filming, aren't you?

Well, all right.

It's fine. It's no problem.

Because, uh... we are
an ideal family.

Please stop.

Tommy: This is bad.

It's very, very bad.

Ok. I say we start a fire,

pull the fire alarm,

and then the whole
audience will clear out.

Why don't we just
pull the fire alarm?

Without a fire?

That's illegal.

You want me to get in
trouble or somethin'?

Pipe down.

The more we talk,
the worse we look.


Don't shush me. I'm
shushing them.

The next morning
found the solomons

in an outwardly jovial mood,

but it was clear the revelations
of the night before.

Had taken its toll.

Here, Sally. I got
you this book.

It's called Ohio's
best lesbian hikes.

Aw, thanks, Tommy.

Now I can walk and kiss
women at the same time.

Well, good.

You know, Tommy, I'm hitting
the mall this afternoon

to pick up some sensible shoes.

How are you fixed for
fresh, dry bedding?

I'm doing just fine, But
thanks anyway, butch.

Is that any way for an
ideal family to behave?

I don't think so.

Don't you hit me!

I am not hitting you.

It hurts me on the inside!

Hey, Albright!

Who do I have to sleep with

to get some face
time around here?

Sure. I don't have a glamorous
problem like Tommy or Sally,

but, you know, it's a burden

being the perfect
one in the family.

Would you like to
know how I handle it?

Mary: Tell us, Harry.

I got me a little
drinkin' problem.

Yeah, that's right.

Perfect, happy little Harry.

Well, maybe he's not so
perfect after all, huh?

Wait a minute. Now you're going

to hound me with your
cameras, aren't you?

Well, whatever.

Mary: In retrospect,

Harry's problem should
have been obvious...

all the telltale
signs were THERE:

Forgetfulness, moodiness...

lack of coordination.

It was hard to watch.

These solomons are
lovely people.

Very nice. They're clean.

They never complain,
and, as for the noise,

well, I think they've
gotten used to it.

Mary: How do you
think they function

without a traditional
mother figure?

You said you were going
to let me tap dance.

When do I get to tap dance?

Sally's not yet comfortable
with her own sexuality,

but that will come in time.

There's just so much
a brother can do.

Mary: But what about Harry?

Oh, Harry's straight
as an arrow.

He's just not very bright.

I'm talking about his
drinking problem.

What? Harry doesn't have
a drinking problem.

Yes, he does, Dick.

I never authorized any
drinking problem.

Excuse me.


I'll get to the bottom of this.

Harry, are you in here?

Where are you going?


I was just getting ready
to take a shower.


Sally: ♪ La la,
takin' a shower... ♪



♪ Taking a shower... ♪

Let's move.

What's with the camera?

Aw, crikey!

Mary: Where are you going?

We have a date.

No. Uh, no. Mm-mm.

This is not a date.

It's not?

No. Now let's go.

Mary: Sally, have you told him?

Of course I've told him.

Now let's get... Told me what?


Sally, why aren't
you in the shower?

Oh, great.

Look, don, um...

You and I have
something in common.


We both like the ladies.

Of course we both like... huh?

I am a gay woman.

You're kidding me.

She's kidding me.

Is she kidding me?

She's kidding me, right?

Sally, you're going
back into that house!

Ow! You're the reason I'm gay!

Is this candid camera?

No, this isn't candid camera.

I can see the freakin' camera!


Donny! Whoo-whoo!

Harry, there you are.

Oh, buzz off!

Honk the Horn!

Step away from the vehicle.

Step away from the vehicle.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm just trying to
get some attention.


What a stupid, idiotic...

Cry for help, you poor thing.

Don't worry, Harry. We're gonna
get through this together.

Come on, don, what's
the big deal?

No big deal.

My long-time
girlfriend's a lesbian.

I'll just walk it off.

You still been, you know,

sleeping with her and
whatnot, haven't you?

Well, Yeah.

Then what's the problem?

I'll bet she just thinks
of you as a woman.


You've got a strong
feminine side.

I always feel like I can
go to you for advice,

fashion tips.

Well, it's no great talent.

Some colors just go together.

If I was a lesbian,

you're the kinda lady
I'd wanna be with.

I'm not surprised Harry
has a drinking problem.

Being around dr. Solomon
messes people up in the head.

You should know.

You're sleeping with him.

I bet you don't have the guts

to put that in your film.

Yes, I do have the guts.

Hey, how ya doin'?


What's going on?

Oh. They're making a documentary

about my family.

How could you not tell me

there were cameras in there?

I have, like, the
zit of the century.

What, that? Oh, come on.

Oh, my god. Make them go away.

Alissa, please, give me a break.

That is nothing.

Nothing? If people
at school see this,

I will be so embarrassed.

I will be so embarrassed.

You think you'll be embarrassed.

Wait till the whole school finds
out I'm a bed-wetter. Huh?!

Oh, my god.

I... I didn't know.

Well, now you know.

I'm so sorry.

Look, I don't want
your pity, Rudolph.

At least Rudolph doesn't
have to wear diapers.

They're pull-ups.

Call them what they are.

Come on.

But I don't want to.

Harry, say it.

My name is Harry,

and I'm an alcoholic.

Ok... This is triple "A."

So you refuse to help this man.

Uh, I could give him a map.

Once again, I see that
it all falls on me.

Come on, Harry, let's go home.

We'll take 4th to euclid
and cut over on bridgeway.

Bridgeway doesn't go
all the way through.

Oh, shut up!

I'm thirsty.


the big man likes to drink,

is that it?

Yeah, that's right.

So let me pour you a drink.

You're gonna drink this
whole bottle of booze.

And then you're
gonna drink another

and Another... until
you are so sick

that you're never
gonna want to look

at a bottle of booze again.

Can I have a lime?

What are you doing?

I'm saving your brother's life.

Because I love him.

Oh, great plan, Dick.

How are you gonna help me,

make me sleep on an
electric blanket?

What I do, I do for our family.

Oh, please. What you do,
you do for yourself.

I mean, my god, look at us.

Yeah. All 'cause you wanted
to be in some movie.

You wanted to do it, too.

You manipulate.

Yeah! Yeah!

Where would you all be

without my manipulation?

I was just trying to be a
good alcoholic for you.

You want some secrets, Albright?


You want the big,
fat family secret?

Tommy? What are you doing?

Dick's not even my real father.

Come on, aunt
Sally, uncle Harry.

The lesbian has
left the building.

I think they just...

occasionally, we
have a little...

it's healthy for an
ideal family to...

This movie is over!

Sometimes a film
captures the truth.

Sometimes a film
creates its own truth.

I'm dr. Mary Albright.


Thank you.

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you all so...

And I thought my
family was screwed up.

You made me laugh,
you made me cry.

My god, they actually like it.



You are so dark and troubled...

and screwed up.

I am so lucky.

Ha. Oh, that's great.

Hey, you wanna get some punch?

Um... it's a little close
to bedtime, isn't it?


I want you to know that I
accept you for who you are,

and if we end up just
being friends...



Oh, man.


You just kissed the
gay right outta me.

I did?


What can I say?

It's a gift.

So, uh, what did you think?


Oh, it was terrific.
Really good.

You really think so?

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Hey, do you think I have a shot

with that tap-dancing lady?

I think you've got
more than a shot.

Mary, what say we go
back to your place

and make a little
film of our own?

Are you suggesting what I
think you're suggesting?

Oh, yeah.

A movie about me without
the rest of the family.

I was thinking... "a
day in the life."

You follow me to the office...

Don't film Nina.

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