3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 8 - Charitable Dick - full transcript

Mary and Dick go to a charity auction. All the buyers get applause and Dick wants this attention too. Therefore, he bids on a painting he actually doesn't want. Don has trouble sleeping because Sally snores. Meanwhile, Tommy and Harry write a new mission statement because Harry lost the original.



Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Good morning, sweetness.

How did you sleep?

Oh, like a rock.

Like a rock. Mmm.

Dick, what's taking so long?

I'll just be a minute.

Hey, Albright. What's
with the cape?

Why, too much?

Well, not if you're
fighting crime.

For your information,
I think I look great.

Dick, I'm gonna wait in the car,

I want to go over the seating
chart for the fund-raiser.

Oh, Mary, I love that jacket.

Yeah, the way it has no buttons

and flows off your shoulders.

It's not a jacket, it's a cape.

Oh, of course.

If it's a cape, I don't like it.

So, uh, what is this thing

you're going to, anyway?

It's a Charity auction.

And what's Charity, again?

Well, all I know is
they're giving out

free drinks and paddles
with numbers on them.

Well, I guess that's what
Charity's all about,

getting liquored up and
spanking your neighbor.

Oh, and Mary tells me

I'll get to make a difference
in Someone's life.

Wait, I thought we
weren't allowed

to make a difference.

No, we can make
little differences.

We're not allowed to
make global differences.

Can we blow up the earth?

You see, that's a
global difference.

It's so hard to keep
track of all this.

I know, don't we have it all
written down Someplace?

Yeah, it's all in the
mission statement.

Where is that thing, anyway?

Well, if anybody's wondering,

I didn't leave it on the bus.

Well, we can't be on a mission

without a mission statement.

You guys are gonna have
to write up a new one.

What? Why us?

Because subordinates Must do

whatever the high
commander says.

Boy, that reminds me
of a mission statement

I once read on a bus.


I'm ok.

Nothing to see here.

Sally: Don?

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

What's going on?

You were supposed to
meet me for lunch.

Oh, Sally, I'm sorry, I forgot.

I've got to be honest with you,

I didn't get much
sleep last night.

Really? I got a ton, honey.

I heard.

Oh, poor baby. Ok,
you know what?

I'm gonna come over at 8:00,

and you and I are gonna go

straight to bed, mister. Ok?

See you, Jimmy.

$60, going once, going twice,

sold to Judith Draper!

Come on up here and pick up

your 2-day pass to the
iroquois falls sweat lodge.

You deserve it.

Judith Draper!

Oh, before we auction
off our next item,

let's all give a huge
round of applause

to the man who is responsible
for this Charity,

father Matthew of the
rutheford boys' home.

Father Matthew!

Nobody Ever claps
like that for me.

Maybe if you opened your wallet,

you cheap bastard.

Next, we have this oil painting

of the historic ground breaking

of the rutheford boys' home.

Isn't this beautiful?

We'll start the bidding at $500.

Who will give me $500?

I have 5, who will give me 6?

Nobody give him 6!

6 from father Matthew,
who will give me 7?

7! In your face, padre!

7, 7's the bid. Now, do I hear 8?
8, anyone?



You're not gonna let him

walk away with This little
beauty for 8, are you?

I should say not. 900!

Top that, strudwick.


Oh, that is more.

You're out of your
league, Solomon.

Am I? 1,100.

12. 1,201.

13! 14!

15! 16!


$1,700. You're not
gonna let him have it

for $1,700, are you?


17, then, going
once, going twice,

sold to Dick Solomon.

Oh, thank you.

All I can say is...

uh, clap louder!

Ok, mission statement.

Mission statement.

What is our mission?

Well, you know, I
always remember it

by our mission song.

Oh, right, right.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

♪ Across the void
we come a-warping ♪

♪ Dum diddle DEE LEE

♪ Glorious and
something something ♪

♪ Dum diddle Dee
Lee Yadda Yadda ♪

Spaceship! Right.

Ok, let's just start
from scratch then.

What is our mission?

To boldly go where no
man has gone before.

That's clunky.

Yeah, and that excludes Sally.

Mmm, and us, too, technically,
since we're not men.

Yeah, yeah, and lots
of men have been here.


Eh, let's put it in.

Yeah, it'll give Dick
something to cut.


Well, that's the news.


I'd really better
get some sleep.

Ok, I'll go brush my teeth.

Well, actually, Sally,

I think I should
sleep alone tonight.


Because I might get called
out to a 480 at the 212.

A fire at the fire department?

All right, Sally, I'll
be straight with you.

Uh, I can't sleep in
the same bed with you.

Is it 'cause I stink?




Pee kind of orangey?


Well, then, what is it?

You snore, Sally.

Snore? I do not snore.

Girls do not snore.

Well, you do.

You mean, like...

NO, it's more like...

oh, that's bad.



Did you say something
about my painting?

No. Oh.

You're not going to hang

that up in here, are you?

Uh, no, Nina. This is
not a hanging painting.

It's more of a walking
around painting.

Oh, that's nice. Why don't
you take it for a walk?

Good morning.

Mary, I thought your kind

didn't venture out in daylight.

Well, if my cape is
too hip for the room,

maybe I'll just take it off.

I love my painting.
It's so nice.

Here's your mail.

Oh, something from
the boys' home.

Ah, at last, the respect
that I deserve.

"Dear sir or madam..."

hey, they've invited
me to become a patron.

Not everybody gets that.

I did.

Me, too. I got 3.

This painting sucks!



Let me get right to it.

Last night, I couldn't sleep

knowing that I had
taken from you

a painting that is near
and dear to your heart.

That's why I'm willing
to let you have it...

I don't want it.

You didn't let me finish.
That's why I'm willing

to let you have it
for, say, $900.

Forget it. I never wanted

that piece of crap, anyway.

Oh, really? Then why
did you bid on it

like a young lion in springtime?

To drive up the price
and piss you off.

Well, it didn't work!

Ok, let's start again.

We'll begin the bidding
at, say, $900.

Get lost. That was a bid.

That was not a bid.

It was, too. You bid $900.

Going once, going twice.
Go away!

Sold! You owe me $900.

We'll call it 8.

7, and I get to kiss your wife.

Out, idiot!

Fine, but at least
I have something

to show for my idiocy.

Aha! So, you have my painting.

She snores like a pig.

Why is this our problem, again?

Well, read the first paragraph

of our mission statement.

Mmm. "We must confront
All human problems"

to understand the
human experience."

Who wrote this crap?

That was you.

It's good. Um-hmm.

Well, maybe if we constrict

the airflow to her nostrils.


Uh, better do the mouth, too.

Ok. Yeah. I'll just...

all right! Yeah!

Sometimes, the most
obvious solution

is the most brilliant. Yeah.

No more snoring, and she gets

all the oxygen she needs

through her, uh...

wait, where's the
third intake again?

The gills?

Aah! Aah!


What happened?

Nothing. Nothing.


So, um, how'd I do?

Piss poor!

Hi, rutheford clothing Drive?

Yeah, I donated a delightful
cape ensemble this morning,

and I think you made a
mistake on the receipt.

Yeah, you estimated
the value at $300.

Well, I paid much
more than that.

I know they haven't been popular

since the 1800's. Look...

if I put a one in
front of the 3,

would that be
against your rules?

"Dear friend of
the environment."

great. All of a sudden,

every Charity in the world

is asking me for money.

Well, once you get on one
Charity's mailing list,

you're on them all.

Yeah, but, how are you supposed

to judge who gets priority?

Do I adopt a fruit bat,

save the rainforest,
or build shelters

for America's homeless?

You just help the
ones you can, Dick.

Yeah, but why me?

Why can't they just
help each other?

And how would they do that?

Simple. The rainforest
guys cut down the jungle

to build affordable housing,

America's homeless moves in,

and once they get settled,

They'll be happy to open
their homes to fruit bats.

It's not rocket science.

That's not how it works.

Oh, I know how it works.

I fork over $1,700,
and all I get

is a painting of 2
monks and a shovel.

The guy couldn't
even paint hands.

They look like potatoes.

I want my money back!


Harriet tubman.


Sally, what are you doing here?

I finally found a
cure for my snoring.


Isn't that great?

I won't be waking
you up anymore.

Yeah, that's super. Good night.

Good night.

Aren't you gonna go to sleep?

Oh, no. I slept all day.

Why is that?

So my snoring wouldn't
wake you up, silly.

Now go back to sleep. Shh shh shh shh.
Ok. All right.

Cliff: Hey there, Woody, what's
that hair doing in my beer?

Woody: I think it's the
backstroke, Mr. Clavin.


Uh, I'll just, I'll put
it on closed captioning.





Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Ok, ok.

Ok, I'm just gonna
take the Pillow away.

Come on.


Will you just go to sleep?

Can't you just go to sleep?

I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry. Really sorry. Ok?

All right, let's bring this
mission statement home.

How will we know when we've
fulfilled the goal of our mission?

Um, when we've become the
perfect human beings?

Yes. Yes, But human beings
by nature are imperfect.

Wait a second. I see
what you're going for.

Yes, and for this
mission to be perfect,

it actually has to
be really flawed.

Well, all right! It already is.

I mean, look at you.

You're the poster boy
for imperfection.

How's that?

Well, your b.O. Smells
like chicken soup,

and you got b.O. A lot.

Fair enough, But, uh,

don't sell yourself short

in the imperfection
department, Harry.

How do you mean?

You're not smart.

And you scare away the ladies.

I feel like punching
your face in.

Me first, fatso.

Father Matthew will
be right with you.

Thank you.

Father Matthew, allow me
to be perfectly Frank.

I am not a wealthy man.

I have to feed and
clothe a family of 4

on a professor's modest salary.

I can't expect a priest
to understand poverty,

but let me tell
you, I have to make

a lot of sacrifices...

No, no, please, let me finish.

I simply have no room
in my limited budget

for extravagances like Charity.

Therefore, I am returning
this painting,

and I want you to give
me my money back.

Unhand me, sir!

Good morning.

Oh, uh, father Matthew.

Well, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting.

Ben, this is dr.
Solomon, the nice man

who gave us the money
to have the bus fixed.

Thank you, Dr. Solomon.

Oh, Well, hey,
you're very welcome.

Thanks to your generous pledge,

we can fix the bus, and our kids

will see things they
have never seen before.

The tire and rubber
works in akron,

the miniature golf hall of fame,

wapakoneta, the home...

The birthplace of
Neil Armstrong,

and of course, the air
and Space museum,

and the aquarium.

Oh, yes, aquariums are nice,
if you like fish, but...

And there's also a chance we can

take a day trip to see
the Toledo mud hens.

Now, that's all very
Well, father Matthew...

Allow me to be perfectly Frank.

I know you are not
a wealthy man.

No, I... I was going
to say that...

And I know it wasn't easy

raising a family of 4

on a professor's
modest salary...

Yeah, that's exactly what I...

Which is why your generosity
means so much to us.

Oh, well...


No, no, please. Let me finish.

Given your circumstances,

your gift means so much to us.

Sure, Martin abend
gave us $50,000,

but he owns the
ball bearing plant.

Relative to him, your gift
was far more generous.

You mean, I'm better
than the rich guy?

Well, I wouldn't
want to say that...

No, no, no, go on, say it.

I'm not gonna tell him.

You are a great man.

Thank you, father Matthew.
You're so right.

So, why did you bring
in the painting?

Oh, that. Because I
want you to, uh...

uh, I want you to...

I want you to have it.

Thank you.

No, no, please. The
pleasure's mine.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Could you either get
this kid off my leg,

or else put another one on,

because it's really
throwing off my balance.

"There are some things
in Life money can't buy.

For everything else, there's
this mission statement."

That's your conclusion to
the mission statement?

Yep. It was between that or

double "A", ahnk ahnk,
mc mission statement.

Did you guys just get bored

and start watching television?

No. Yeah.

You know, it's weird.
Until I started snoring,

I never really appreciated.

How much don loves me.

Yeah, and until I
started giving,

I never really appreciated
How much I have.

Man, we're so lucky.

♪ Across the void
we come a-warping ♪

♪ Across the fields
of stars we soar ♪

♪ We pledge to land and
something, something ♪

♪ Dum Dee dum Dee Da Da Da da...
spaceship ♪

One more time!

♪ Across the void
we come a-warping ♪

Captioning made possible
by Carsey-Werner company

I.L.C. And the U.S
department of education

public performance of
captions prohibited without

permission of National
captioning institute