3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 7 - Sex and the Sally - full transcript

When Sally is told sex can lead to pregnancy, she doesn't know what to do. After some advice, she learns about birth control and starts taking the pill, but this gives her terrible mood swings. To complicate things further, she doesn't tell Don what's going on because she doesn't want him to think she doesn't want his child. In the meantime, Dick learns what tipping is but decides to change the concept a bit and ignorant Harry and Tommy become panhandlers.

All right, listen up, people.

Today, we're gonna talk about what
happens during sexual intercourse.

Um, are we gonna be
choosing lab partners?

'Cause if so, I got
dibs on Donna Hagen.

No, we're not choosing
lab partners, Tommy.

Then we're gonna need a much
more attractive c.P.R. Dummy.

Now, the male and female reproductive
cells Each carry half... Yes?

I'm sorry, but this material
just lacks a certain, um...

I don't know... hotness.

Let's talk about
cellular meiosis.

There are 5 stages... Uh, yes?

When are you gonna teach
us how to unhook a bra?

We're not learning that.

Ok. Well, all this stuff
is very interesting,

but I'm not gonna get to any
of it if I can't unhook a bra.

Sally, is my shirt ready?

In a minute.

Sally, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?

Oh, I made you some hamburgers.

They're down at the
hamburger place.

All you have to do is go
there, order, and pay for 'em.

Hi, there, Skipper.
Bad day at school?

Yeah. They don't teach you
anything you can use.

I had sex ed today...

oh. Did they teach you
how to take off a bra?

No. That's the thing.

It's all "Ed" And no sex.

Oh, Tommy, how I wish we could
afford private school for you.

Well, I'm going to don's.
We're gonna have sex tonight.

That sounds like fun. Ok.

Hey, Sally, are you ovulating?

No. Are you?

No. But you ought to be
careful tonight at don's.

You know, he's got
millions of sperm.

Who told you that?

I just learned it.

I'm just saying you don't
wanna get pregnant.

Pfft! You can't get
pregnant like that.

You get pregnant from
sitting on a toilet seat

or swimming in a
pool with some guys.

Oh, no.

No, that's not how it happens.

It's caused by Sex.

Lieutenant, you are
the security officer.

If you got pregnant, it would
seriously jeopardize our mission.

You never said anything before.

Well, you weren't getting
the regular nookie before.

Getting pregnant goes
against protocol.

And it's an endless

It'll make your feet swell up.

God, you guys are right.
I can't get pregnant.

I just got new shoes.

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I'll be right back
with your change.

You know, I can't believe
how flaky that sole was.

Mm. You know what
I can't believe?

That you've never been pregnant.


Considering how many "Gentlemen
callers" You've had,

it's kind of a Miracle.

Dick, I can't have children.

Oh, Mary... why not?

Because I hate them.

Oh, well... we're ok then.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm just taking the little extra
money you always leave for me.

Oh, my god! No wonder
we're treated like crap

everywhere we go!

How can you be so cheap?

I-I'm not cheap.

Then put the tip back on the table.
The what?

The tip. It was $10.
Put it back.

Uh, of course. The tip.

Good night. Thank you.

Oh. Thank you.

Mary! That waitress
just stole our tip!

Don, this is so special...

The wine, the candles...

the fish sticks.

I know your weak spot.


Ha Ha Ha ha!

You know... we don't
have to eat right now.

Oh, yeah?

Why don't I fire
up the lava lamp?

The red one?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Will you turn on the black
light in the aquarium?

Sure, baby.

Did you take out the
dead Angel fish?

I will, baby.

What? I can't!

Is it because of
the fish sticks?

Because I could brush my teeth.

No, no. I love fish sticks.

It's just... I can't have
sex with you tonight. Why?

Tommy gave me
millions of reasons.

That little bastard.

Did you find it yet?

No. Why didn't you tell me

there was a Rusty meal
surprise gift in the bag?

Oh. Wait a second.

Ah! There we go!

Yeah, I found it!

Um... excuse me...

dude, I've got, like,
40 bucks here.

How much do you have?

We're supposed to be counting?

Hey, where did all
that money come from?

People gave it to us.

For what? Absolutely nothing.

You were great at it.

You were better, my man.

This makes no sense.

You're getting paid
to do nothing.

Meanwhile, I'm expected
to pay tips to people

for doing things I'm
already paying them to do.

It's only fair, Dick. It's
a reward for good service.

You know about tipping?

Sure. That's how I make most
of my money down at the bar.

But I never tip you.

And that's why your drink

always has that funny taste.

Mary thinks I'm cheap.

You're not cheap.
You're thrifty.

Frugal. Economical.


Yeah, that's it. You're cheap.

I can't let her think that.

From now on, I'm tipping
a generous 3% to 5%.

Cheap cheap cheap!
Cheap Cheap cheap!

Cheap Cheap cheap!
Cheap Cheap cheap!

I am not cheap!

Dick, we're having
girl talk here.

Ohh... girl talk!

Anyway, don and I have been
together for a while now,

and so far, I've been lucky,

but how long can I stay lucky?

Honey, what kind of birth
control are you using?

Birth control?

I can control birth?

Sure, you can. You know,
with birth control.

Do not come in here claiming
you know what that is.

But I do. I know that,
I know tipping,

I know everything.

And I'm not cheap.

Cheap cheap cheap!
Cheap Cheap cheap!


Dick, you did not
have to come with me

to the gynecologist's Office.

I've been with you for all
your womanly milestones.

I was with you when you got
your first bikini wax.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was. You just
couldn't see me.

Ok, Sally. Sorry to
keep you waiting.

Nice to see you. You, too.


Well, let's talk
about birth control.

What have you used in the past?


It never really occurred
to us to use anything.

Oh. Well, uh, how long have
the two of you been married?

Married? Oh, he's my brother.

Oh, no, no, no. I
have a boyfriend.

I'm not even attracted to him.

Thanks for the
gratuitous slam, Sally.

Ok. Well, what method were
you interested in Exploring?

Well, I don't want him
to know I'm using it,

so I don't want anything loud.


Yeah. I mean, it
would just crush him

if he knew I didn't
want to have his kids.

Oh, right.

Well, uh... This is the sponge.

It's small and highly effective.


Oh, I get it. It's so small,

that by the time you're
done doing the dishes,

you're too exhausted
to have sex, right?

Do they come with
a scouring side?

No, no. You see, the
sponge, the diaphragm,

these are Barrier methods.

You insert them before Sex.

Ooh, mood killer.

It's not for us.

Look, don't you have anything simple,
easy, like... I don't know...

A pill or something?

Well, of course,
there is the pill.

Don't Mock me.

No. The birth control pill.

It's very safe and
highly effective.

There are a few side
effects, however:

Bloating, anxiety,
mood swings...

mood swings. I can handle that.
Bring it on.

I can't swallow this.

Maybe if you mash it
up with some bananas.

Oh, that's a good idea...
I'll take it.

Somebody ordered a pizza?

Nobody here.

Oh... yes, they did.

Lunch is on me today, girls.

Money is no object, so
put away those wallets.

I am paying for this pizza...

A pizza being paid for... by me.

Thanks, Dick. Thank
you, Dr.Solomon.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

That'll be $12.

And there you are.

And here's your change.

Mm-hmm. Let's see,

4.5% of 12 would be...

uh, excuse me.

Where's the little patio table

that keeps the cheese
from sticking to the lid?

We ran out.

This is supposed to be a
cheese lover's delight,

and cheese lovers do not delight
in Losing half their cheese

to the box top.

It's just a little bit.

You can scrape it right off.

Sorry, man.

Thank you.

I said thank you, my good man.

You are unbelievable.

What? I sprang for this pie.

You have to give
the guy something.

Why? A tip is supposed to be
a reward for good service.

He brought the pizza
all the way up here.

But that's his job. We have
a business arrangement.

I'm not his mommy!

Come on! Come on! Whaddaya got?
Come on!

Whaddaya got? Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on!

Whaddaya got? Come on!

Thank you. Thank you.

That's really nice of you.

Come on! Whaddaya got?
Hey, come on!

Whaddaya Got? Whaddaya got?
Come on! Come on!

Whaddaya got? Come on! Come on!

Come on, lady! Whaddaya Got?

Why are you crying?

The movie's so sad.

It's caddyshack.

Yeah, But the gopher's
making fun of everybody.

You're right, Sally.
I'm... I'm sorry.

I should've rented
something else.

Yeah, you could've, but
you didn't, did you?

Did you?!

Well, why don't we
just turn it off?

Oh, thanks, Donnie.

I love you.

What are you doing?

Playing "Kiss the cow"?

What do you mean?

Oh, please, look at me.

I'm so fat and disgusting,

my boobs are sore...

I don't know how you
can look at me.

Kiss me again.

Uh, s-Sally... you're
all over the map.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Pfft! Ha ha...

I'm gonna go to the fridge
and get myself a brownie,

and when I come back...

I want you to take
it away from me.

Oh, boy. I think I ate
the last brownie.


Now, you have 2 different

The "X" And the "Y," and
each one has a particular...

There you are. Oh, my god.

Yes? Listen, my gyno's at lunch,

and you're the big sex expert...

He doesn't even know
how to unhook a bra.

Tommy, he's my only hope, ok?

Excuse me. Who are you?

A stranger. I'm his aunt.

Can I go to the bathroom?
No. Sit down.

I'm in the middle of
teaching a class here.

But I need answers. You see,

I went on the pill, But the
pill's making me act crazy,

and my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts

'cause he doesn't know I'm on
the pill, and I can't tell him,

so I just really need your help.

Well, um...

Have you considered being
honest with your boyfriend?

That's not an option.

How about abstinence?

Abstinence? What's that?

That's... that's not
having sex at all.


Honesty! Honesty will work!

Honesty. Abstinence.

Do you see what they're teaching
us at the schools these days?

Sally, while you're here,

can you at least show
us how to unhook a bra?

Hey, easy, Solomon.

It's ok. I'll handle it.

All right, listen up, class.

You got your front-loadin',
and your back-loadin'.

I'll need a volunteer.

Ah... thank you.

Hello. Would you like
something from the bar?

Yes. I'll have a
glass of merlot,

and a chardonnay for the
lady who will be joining me.

Oh, and, uh... can we
establish something first?

You are, I assume,
expecting a tip?

Well... yes.

All right.

Now, this pile of
one-dollar bills

represents your potential tip.

Every time you please me,
you'll see the pile grow.

However, if I am unsatisfied...

If you're slow, mouthy, or
sneeze into your hands...

You'll notice the pile shrinking.

Yes, I guess...

All right. Good luck.


Oh, hi, Mary...

hi. Mwah!

So, this is nice.

Mm-hmm. Trust me.

I have taken care of everything.

Ok... thank you.

Here we go.

Uh... no.


All right, we have
specials tonight.

There's a tri-colored salad with
candied walnuts and goat cheese.

It's very, very light...

What kind of dressing
comes with that?

I'll have to check.


What are you doing?

Don't worry, Mary.
Everything's under control.

There you go.




All right, Dick,
what's going on?

Mary, I have reinvented tipping.

Oh, god.

No. I'm being generous,

but more importantly,
I'm being honest.

I'm bringing tipping out
of its dark, little cave

and into the light.

It's demeaning.

It's the truth, Mary.

Trust me, in the future, all
tipping will be done this way.

Ok. Just to let you know,

the soup du jour is
butternut squash,

and, uh... we're out
of the monkfish.


You don't even like monkfish!

That's not the point, Mary.

Could you give us a second?

Ok, that's it. Cut it out.

From now on, I'm
paying for dinner.


My wine tastes funny.

Ah... er... Eleanor Roosevelt...



Sally... what are
you doing here?

We need to talk.

You're not gonna yell
at me again, are you?

No, don. I...

I have to tell you something.

I've been taking pills.

Pills! I should've known.

What are they, uppers? Downers?

Lubies? Beanballs?


Birth control pills.

That's why I've been
acting so crazy.

You been taking birth
control Pills?

Why didn't you tell me?

I just didn't want you to think

I didn't want to have your baby

'cause I do... if I wanted to
have a baby, which I don't.

Well, that's all right, Sally.
Neither do I.

That's why I... use protection.

You do?

Of course. What'd you think was
in those little foil packets?

I thought those were
airplane peanuts.

Airplane peanuts?


And I used to wonder
why, before sex,

you'd go into the bathroom
and eat peanuts by yourself,

but I figured, "Hey, whatever
gets you in the mood," right?

No, Sally, not airplane peanuts.

Wait a second.

If we're both using
birth control,

then one of us can stop.

But who?

Definitely you.

Are you sure? Definitely you.

You're so sweet.

You know...

now that I know we're both...

Maybe we could... you know.

I think I do.

Heh heh heh...

ha Ha Ha ha!

What's so funny?


This isn't gonna happen, is it?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Come on! Whaddaya got?
Hey! Come on!

Come on! Whaddaya Got? Whaddaya got?
Come on!

Hey, Rico.

Come on! Whaddaya got?

What are you guys
doing out here?

Making a nice living.

Yeah, so move along. You're scaring
away all the philanthropists.

All right. You just earned
yourselves a citation.

For excellence in
change gathering?

It's all happening so fast.

Hi, guys. How's business?

Great! We're being
honored by Rico.

They're getting a citation.

Congratulations, boys!

The ticket's $75.

Wha...? Oh, well... ok.

And I suppose you'll want 15%

as your own personal cut, huh?

Excuse me?

Don't worry. I know how
these things work.

This should take care of it.

All right, that's it.
Get in the squad car.

We're going downtown.

Ah... now that's service.

See you down there, boys!

Come on! Hey!

Oh, man...

This pez sucks.

That is not pez.
It's progesterone.

Well, then this
progesterone sucks.

The calendar function is nice.



do you tip your gynecologist?

Come on. With his job,
he should be tipping me.

Yeah, but it's strange, though.

You tip the guy who
delivers your pizza,

but not the guy who
delivers your baby.

That's 'cause you want
your pizza to be hot.

If he delivers your baby in
30 minutes or less, though...

then you tip him!

Well, that's just good service.

More people would have babies

if they came with
Free garlic bread.

No, they wouldn't.

Yeah. You don't know that.

Yes, I do.

No! Give me that.

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