3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 6 - Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - full transcript

The Solomons learn about racism.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Nina.

Say, I have a 2-for-1 dinner
coupon at cafe de boeuf...

That's French for
"Cafe of beef,"

and Mary refuses to come.

We've been 4 times this week.

So how does 7:00 sound?

I'm sorry, Dr.
Solomon, I'm busy.

No, let me explain.

If I buy a steak dinner,
you get one for free.

And then when the
garon turns his back,

you can just slip me a few
bucks under the table.

That's very generous of you,

but I have a meeting of
the black student union.

Nina, this coupon
expires tonight.

You'll still be black tomorrow.

That's True, but I'm
gonna have to pass.

B-bu... I'll tell you what.

I'll come to the meeting,

and then we could go grab
some half-priced boeuf.

Dr. Solomon, I don't think
you'd get a lot out of it.

The meeting's a discussion group

for black members of the
Pendleton community.

Sort of like weight watchers.

I'll be in my office.

But... but Nina...

I don't get it.

Why won't she admit that
the black student union

is just a blatant rip-off
of weight watchers?

Because it's not!

Dick, you've got
to accept the fact

there are certain things in
life you will never understand.

Oh, I accept that.

But what are they and why
won't I understand them?!

Captioning made possible
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Department of education.

Hey, Harry, how was the library?

You are looking at a free man.

I returned the book, paid
the $14 in late fees,

checked it right back out again.


Well, I'm thinkin' about
reading it this time.

Oh, but get this.

The library is having
a poetry contest,

and the topic is "If I
could change the world."

isn't that perfect for us?

Yeah, sure.

We've got a Keen
third-party-Observer perspective.

Too bad Poetry's stupid.

I don't think it's stupid.

I think it's Boring.

The sign said there
would be prizes.


You mean like a trip to hawaii?

Or like a dune buggy?

Hey, it's the public library!
Sky's the limit!

I'm in. In. In.

Uh-Oh, Solomon's here.

Check, please.

Oh, oh, good.

Listen, I've got
to talk to Caryn,

so if you guys wouldn't
mind hitting the bricks.

Did you happen to go

to the black student union
Meeting last night?

Oh, yeah, I went.

Did you happen to take
any notes or photos?

You know how important
those meetings are to me.

Yeah. Um, dr. Solomon,

you're not black.

Well, how black do
you have to be?

I mean, you're a
milky cocoa at best.

This isn't really about color.

I should have just
said african-American.

Well, what happened at the meeting?
Tell me.

I'm leaving now.

I'll tell you what happened
on the jeffersons last night.

Weezy almost started a fire.

Oh, oh, and they
changed lionels.

If I could change the world,

I'd have every swimming
pool have a shallow end,

a deep end, and an
unbelievably deep end.

That is excellent. Yeah.

Ok, if I could change the world,

I'd make every guy
look like don.

Then how would you tell
which one was don?

They wouldn't all be
named don, dumb ass.

I wonder what I'd look
like if I looked like don.

Oh, you guys, here comes Dick.

Check, please.

You know what? I've been thinking...
we should all attend

the next black Student
union meeting.

Whatever. Ok.

Maybe there's like a white
one we could go to.

You think? Why not?


excuse me, are there any white
support groups in this area?

You mean like those
white Power guys

who meet out in hendersonville?

White power.

That sounds uplifting. Yeah.

Thank you, my white brother.

We'll have 2 orders of
buffalo wings, please.

You people disgust me.

All right, make that
one order of wings

and one mozzarella sticks.

Anyway, it sounds like fun.

White people playing
white games.

Having white discussions.

Where do white People go
for really good pizza?

I'd be interested to know.

Hey, you think Barry
White will sing?

Why wouldn't he?

Look to ourselves

and the future generation

to seize control of
our nation's destiny.

You say, what's involved?

This is our nation.
We were here first.

We aren't goin' anywhere!

Well, it's a good thing
Barry White wasn't there.

Those guys were kind of creepy.

Why do you think they burned

that giant lowercase letter "T"?

I don't want to be a
part of any group

that hates the
lowercase letter "T."

no, they hated more than that.

They hated just about everybody.

You know what would be good?

If people from different Races

could live together in peace
and, Oh, I don't know...

say, harmony?

Harry, how did you
come up with that?

That is so brilliant.

You guys, that's the topic
for our poetry contest!

Uncharted territory!
Get a pen, get a pen!

I'm a poet, and I
didn't even realize it.

Oh, here comes Dick.

Check, please.

Oh, Nina, good.

I wanted to ask you,

did people dress up in robes

at your black student
union meeting?


And, uh, was there a
guy with a microphone

shouting unattractively?


Ok, good. One last question...

Will you only rest when
the blood of white people

overflows the rivers of
America and runs out to sea?

No, I'll probably rest before that.
Any reason you ask?

No, it's just that last night

I went to this rally
in hendersonville...

You what?

You went to a white power rally?

Because of you.

What?! what?!

I... I didn't like it.

Ok, so what rhymes with Racism?

Weigh station!

All: Yeah!

Uh, that doesn't rhyme.

Yes, it does.

Ok, you know what rhymes
with weigh station?


That's it!

Yeah, but you guys, we already
rhymed weigh station with racism.

They don't rhyme.

Playstation and weigh
station rhyme better.

Yeah, and that way we can avoid

the whole racism thing.

It's such a Downer. I know.

Isn't it the point that we
want to talk about racism?

Yes. Poetry's hard.

Well, you know, poetry
doesn't have to rhyme.


Yeah, poetry that
doesn't win prizes.

You got that right.

I mean, read walt Whitman.
He never rhymed.

Look, either rhyme something
with Playstation or leave.


Finally something we can use!

All right. Racism is
as bad as claymation.

That is a...

maybe we don't have to rhyme.

That's a great idea.

Ok, class, here's your exam.

Just pass it around.

I only have one because
my assistant Nina

refuses to make me copies.

Did you do something rude

like accuse her of not
being completely black?

No, she's pretty black...

unlike some people I know.

Dr. Solomon!

All I did was go to
a white power rally

and now she won't
even talk to me.

You went to a white power rally?

Well, I am white.

That is such a white
male rationalization.

Just deny the entire history
of white Oppression

and then have the nerve to
say that you want equality.

Oh, yeah, right,
white oppression.

I'm sure history really
backs that one up.

Well, yeah, there's,
like, slavery.

Racial quotas.

Japanese internment camps.

Glass ceilings.

What are you talking about?

I didn't do any of those things.

Let me ask you something.

Do you even have
one black friend?

Well, there's, uh, Nina.

She's your assistant.

Well, there's you, Caryn.

I'm your student.

Well, then, there's... al roker.

He's on television.

You're kidding, roke's on tv?

I gotta give him a call!

Ok, what?

My students are right.

I colonized every continent.

I enslaved an entire people,

and even after I
abolished slavery,

I continued to
marginalize minorities

with economic disincentives.

Don't let this eat you up.

Angel food cake is white.

Devil's food cake, black!

I know how you feel.

Who gets to make the first move in chess?
The white guys.

Dick, I've been through this
white guilt thing, too.

White guilt?

Oh, yeah.

As a matter of fact,
one of my ancestors

was a proponent of slavery.


Well, actually...

My mom.

How do you live with Yourself?

She's not me,

and I've learned by
Observing her behavior

that we have the power
to do whatever we want.

We have the power to
make changes in society.

We do?


So stop feeling guilty
and do something.

After all, it's not like you picked
the color of your skin, right?

So, mrs. Dubcek, what do
you think of the poem?

Well, the thing about
this contest is

everybody in it is
under the age of 10.

They're all kids?

We are gonna kick ass.

Yes! Yeah!

Uh, miss dubcek, there's
a man downstairs

pounding on your door.

Oh, he woke up.

Maybe I should let him out.

Hey, Dick.


Does anyone remember why we
all decided to be white?

Oh... um, I went with White

'cause I thought I'd be a
little cooler in the summer.

Well, don't you remember, Dick?

All the television signals

that we picked up in outer space

were filled with white people.

Oh, except for that,
uh, that black nerd

with the hiked-up pants and the
oversized glasses. What was his name?

Bryant gumbel. Right.

Well, guess what?

We've unwittingly
aligned ourselves

with the most despicable force
in Western civilization.


Yeah, But, Dick, we can't
do anything about that.

We can't change society.

That's where you're wrong.

Mary says we can,
and you know what?

I'm gonna do it.

Well, how?

I'm gonna revitalize America's
urban education system.

I'm gonna create Enterprise
zones to draw in investors.

I'm gonna set up a $1 billion
minority scholarship fund,

and I'd like us, as a family,

to kick it with Sean
"Puffy" Combs more often.

No, Dick, I meant it's
against the rules

of our mission to
change society.

Oh, damn, you're right.

I guess I'll just have
to concentrate on Nina.

Oh, Nina, good. I'm
glad I caught you.

Can I talk to you?

What is it, dr. Solomon?

No, no, I'll just be a minute.

It has come to my
attention, Nina, dear,

that you have been placed
in a servile role.

This job has put you on the
fast track to nowhere,

but all that is about to change.

I have some wonderful
news for you.


Nina, you're fired.


Fly, fly like a bird!

Oh, you have finally lost it!

Harsh medicine, I know,
but it's what you need.

This job is what I need.

This job pays for
my health insurance

and I get to take free classes.

Nina, sweetheart, trust me.

I know what's best for you.

You don't know
what's best for me.

You don't even know me.

You think I'm some little
helpless black girl

who can't make it in the world

without the help of some
enlightened white Guy

showing her the way.

And you say I don't know you.

Dr. Solomon, when I look
at you, I don't see color.

I see a jackass. Good night.

"It takes me everywhere,
to places that I like.

And that is why, my friends,
why I love my bike."

Thank you.

Not good. Not a good poem.

Nope. Apparently she didn't
want to change the world.

Yeah. She's just
coasting on her looks.


Hey, uh, miss goltra,
are we up next?

Don't you think you're just a little
too old for this poetry contest?

Old? Maybe your
ideas are too old.

Maybe you're just afraid
of what we might say.

Yeah. Maybe ageism has gotten
the better of you, miss goltra.

We're not leaving.

Fine, fine. Just read your poem

and don't break anything else.

Oh, my god.

"If we could change the world."


It's here.

Racism. Stop racism.

Stop racism. Stop.


Stop! What?

Well, you're
standing on my foot.

All right, shut up, shut up!

Never again should
a cherokee man

board a commercial jet liner

and be afraid that
the cowboy pilot

will take him and the rest
of the passengers out.


We dream of a world where
every photo is in color,

and black and White photography
is a hilarious joke,

Akin to someone saying,

"Hey, your horse and
buggy is here."

Weigh station.

In this world, America will do
the laundry of the chinese.

All: And we will mix
the whites and colors.

One load, one world!

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

♪ And you wonder why ♪

♪ Maybe god is trying
to tell you something ♪

♪ Cry all night long ♪

♪ Cry all night long ♪

♪ Something has gone wrong ♪

♪ Something has gone wrong ♪

♪ Oh, maybe god is trying
to tell you something ♪

Let the church say amen.

All: Amen.


If I could have your
sweet attention,

here at the piano.

Dr. Solomon, what
are you doing here?

There's something that needs
to be said here, Nina.

Sometimes a man, he thinks
he knows everything.

But that man, he knows nothing.

He's so lost.

Never looks at life from
any angle but his own.

But then one day, he sees the light.
He reads the books.

Learns black culture like a pro.

Difference between Malcolm x and Mr.
T? You just ask him.

But I pity the fool. This fool,
he thinks he knows everything.

But still, still,
he knows nothing.

You know why?

♪ Why? ♪

He picked the white body.

♪ Fool chose the White body ♪

He didn't know he had a
whole rainbow to pick from.

Nobody told him.

♪ Nobody told him ♪

But I, Dick Solomon, I
need you to tell me,

tell me that I can
be a good man.

Tell me I can be good...

in spite of my color.

♪ Dick Solomon,
you can be good ♪

♪ Dick Solomon,
you can be good ♪

Nina Campbell...

what do you want?!

Tell me I can be good.

Tell me, Nina! Tell
me I can be good.

I suppose.

Nina, tell me.

Tell me you're my friend.

I'm your friend.

Yeah, we're all friends here.

Tell me you love me.

♪ Dick Solomon,
you can be good ♪

Come on, tell me.

Tell me I'm your savior!

Good night, reverend.

Ok, that was just a
little too much.

Nina... Nina!

So how'd you guys do
on the poetry contest?

Ahh, pretty good.

It was a little touch-and-go
there for a while.

We had to wrestle
the trophy away

from that little
blonde "Winner."

You know something?

As long as we've been here,
we've believed that,

as aliens, we were superior.

But what I realized
is nobody's superior.

We're all just
different, that's all.

Yeah, Dick, like we're
no better than Humans?


Hey, you guys, look
at this, I'm human.

Can I get cheese on that?

♪ I was so blind ♪

♪ I was so lost ♪

♪ Until you spoke to me ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

1, 2, 3, 4...

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

♪ And you wonder why ♪

♪ Maybe god is trying
to tell you something ♪

♪ Cry all night long ♪

♪ Something has gone wrong ♪

♪ Maybe god is trying
to tell you something ♪

One more time!

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

Captioning made possible by Carsey-Werner
company l.L.C. And the U.S.