3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 5 - Dick and Tuck - full transcript

While Dick laughs at a magazine stating Harrison Ford is the world's most attractive man, Nina and Mary agree. They think Ford's hot! Dick starts to consider plastic surgery so he'll look as good as Ford and goes to a surgeon, along with the other Solomons. The surgeon tells Dick what his options are, declares Harry to have perfect features and asks Sally what she wants done about herself, which makes her so insecure she feels she should break up with Don because he deserves somebody who's hotter than her.

What's so funny?

Look at the cover of This
ridiculous magazine.

Harrison ford.

Ooh. Let me see that.

They're calling this ugly nerd

the sexiest man on earth.

Well, he is.

Oh, wait a minute. You
actually think he's sexy?

I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

I would.

He's got to go out and work

and support me and the kids.

Oh, come on! I'm
sexier than he is.


Excuse me.

Well, at least you think I'm
sexier than he is, Mary.


Don't you?

Oh, come on, Dick.
You're sexy, but...

you're no Harrison ford.

I am too Harrison ford!

Oh, Dick...

well, I am!

I have to get to class.

How can you possibly say

Harrison ford is
sexier than I am?

I mean, just because those
incredible cheekbones

and that perfectly
chiseled jaw...

and those penetrating
brown eyes...

that you could almost...

lose yourself in...

if you stare at them...

long enough...


But I love you.

See you, Dick.

Oh, my god!

I'm hideous!

Ok, fine. Lights.

Any questions, comments, anyone?

About what, dr. Solomon?

We've been sitting in the
dark for 10 minutes.

You haven't showed us a thing.

I've been showing you my face.

What do you people
think of my face?

Anyone? Uh, how about you, bug?

Wha... excuse me, sir.
Your, uh, your what?

My face!

My face. Do you
find it appealing

in an incredibly handsome,

sort of way?

Uh, you're sort of Not my type.

How about you, Pitman? Do
you find me attractive?

I'm sorry, Dr. Solomon.

The last time I answered
that question in school,

one thing led to another,
and then my biology teacher

wound up asking me
to kill her husband.

Eh, Eh, Leon,

you'll give me a
straight answer.


Well, uh... dr. Solomon,

I've always found
high cheekbones

to be very attractive.

Like mine?

Actually, more like Pitman's.


Yeah, but what about me?

Uh, dr. Solomon...

looks are very subjective.

Well, is that your
subtle way of telling me

that you think I'm hot?


Oh, yeah? Well, you're
not so pretty yourself!

Kids say the darnedest things?

Why... why do people
like this show?

Because it's so cute.

Cute? They're just
saying dopey things

because they don't know better.

That's True.

I'm going to go make a tinkle.

Hey, Dick.

What's with the long face?

Look, that's just the way it's shaped.
I can't help it, ok?

Whoa. What's yanking
your ponytail?

I just don't get it.

Harrison ford and I have
all the same PARTS:

2 eyes, 2 ears, a
nose, and a mouth.

How come they look so
much better on him?

Well, you know, you could always
do a little snip-snip job.

If you're suggesting
that I kidnap someone,

cut off his face, and glue
it onto my own, don't.

Because that never looks
as good as it should.

I was talking about
plastic surgery.

Yeah. You know, 10 years ago

I had my boobs done.

You did?

Reduced 3 sizes.

Plastic surgery.

Of course!

Why should I have to walk around

looking like a drab lump of clay

when I can pay someone to...
chisel me

into a perfect human sculpture?

You're not going to get
your boobs done, are you?

I just might!

This is so unfair.

If everyone can just pay
to be good-looking,

it totally cheapens things

for those of us who are
naturally exquisite.

Natural? There's nothing
natural about you.

You picked your body
out of a catalog.

Mine came with a free tote bag.

Hey... look...

the little hand is
picking Dick's nose.

Now cut it out!


I'm sorry I had to step out.

I was in the middle
of a tattoo removal.

Apparently, this gentleman
has Stopped Loving his mom.

Ok. Now let's see what we can do

with... your face.

Yeah. Can I see how I'd
look with a bigger Chin?

Of course.

But with a bigger Chin, I'd
need a bigger nose, right?



Why stop there? Make
my ears bigger.


No, bigger. Even bigger.

Those aren't big enough.
Bigger! Even bigger!

Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.

Shh. Calm down. Sit down.

I'm sorry, doctor. He's
just a little overexcited

about the idea of...
looking better.

Ha! Well, he should
be, and, uh...

so should you.

Oh, I'm not getting
anything done.

You're not?

Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought you were.

That's ridiculous!

Have you seen me?

I don't need anything done.

I could make you look a little
less tired, that's all.

Less... less tired?

It wouldn't take much.

I look tired?

Hey, doc.

What can you do for me?

Oh, my god!

The symmetry of
those cheekbones!

That Chin... that
aquiline nose...

stop! It tickles!

Surgically speaking,
this man is...


What? What?

But look at him!

His eyes don't even
open all the way.

You know something? You and I...

we could be brothers.

Would you look at this? I think
I've found the perfect earlobe.

Is that a beaut?


Is that a David duchovny?

No. It...

it's a regis philbin.


Nice lobes, reege.

I don't know about this
plastic surgery stuff, Dick.

I heard about a woman who
had a face-lift once.

They pulled her skin so tight

that she couldn't blink.

One morning, her eyes dried up

and fell into her raisin bran.

She gobbled them right
down with the flakes.


So she could, like,

watch herself eating
her own eyeballs?

What a horrible True story.

Hey, guys! Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, we're looking for
perfect facial features.

So Dick can show the doctor
what he wants to look like.

And it just so happens

that all the magazines
that came out this month

have beautiful people
on their covers.

Talk about a coincidence.

Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, it's you again.

Hello there.

I never noticed how
handsome your uncle is.

Yeah, we know. We know.


Oh, good morning, Sally.


How'd you sleep?

Why? Do I look tired?


Then why are you
asking me how I slept?

'Cause it's morning.

'Cause I look exhausted?

'Cause... you just woke up.

Maybe you should go.

But, Sally, I...

Please go.

Sally, I'm sorry about
that whole sleep thing.

I was out of line.



I just want you to know
that after my surgery,

I'm going to be
devastatingly handsome.

It's going to be very
difficult for you

to keep your hands off of me.

Oh, really?

But no matter how
gorgeous I look,

it'll still be me
underneath, And, uh,

I'm still not attracted to you.

And I just want you to know

that if you never came
out of anesthesia,

that that would be ok with me.

Thank you. That is so sweet.

You're actually getting
plastic surgery?

Yes, Mary.

Yeah. I've been thinking
about this long and hard...

Well, not long, but hard...

not even hard.

But why?

2 words, Mary.



Oh, come on. Don't play dumb.

You're the one who said

you wished I looked
like Harrison ford.

I never said that!

Oh, please! If
Harrison ford and I

were both standing in
this room right now

professing Our
undying love to you,

who would you choose?

Oh, don't be silly... who?!

Is he divorced?

You see?


This is the face I
fell in love with,

and this is the face I'm
still in love with.

Do you mean it?

I do.

Yeah. Nice try, Albright!

All right, Dick, you ready?


Here we go.

Uhh! Uhh!

Good work, Tommy.

That's exactly how I want you

to remove the gauze
after my surgery.

Wait a minute. You're really
gonna stop with the face?

What do you mean?

Take off the robe.


Take it off!

What is that?


Well... first of all,

this whole area

needs to be sucked out.

You think?

Who's the handsomest guy here?


All right.

And, uh... let's
not forget about

the pectoral implants.

Mmm. Yeah.

Now, should we go in, uh...

through the armpits
or the nipples?

I'd remove the nipples.

Remove them completely?

In a second.

Yeah, but then...

I'd sew 'em back on...

up here.

Well... that's not
a little high?

No, no. They'll extend the torso

and make the whole
package appear leaner.

I see.

Well, if you're gonna do that,

you might as well
put 'em up here.

On the shoulders?

Why not?

I like it.

That's good.

And let's remove a
couple ribs, shall we?

I hate my ribs.

Mmm, Yeah. Oh, and, uh...

right about here.

What's that for?

That's for later.

Unbelievable. Look at
all these magazines.

Everything revolves around
the beautiful people.

They have it all. I mean...

how are the rest of us
supposed to compete?

Well, you got a big hunk
of celery in your teeth,

and that won't help.


Look at this.

Every beautiful woman is
with a beautiful guy.

Yeah, we do tend to
gravitate to our own kind.

Man, how did a
gorgeous guy like don

end up with a
double-bagger like me?

It's a brain-teaser.

It's wrong.

It is wrong, Harry.

I mean, this...

This is the life don
should be living.

He should be the dude with the
hot babe on his shoulders,

and he should be on the jet-ski

with a menthol cigarette
in his mouth...

but he's not.

Because I'm draggin' him down.

I'm draggin' my
beautiful Donny down.

Mmm. You know, I didn't
want to say anything,

but you totally are.

Thanks, Harry.

Now I know what to do.

Mm-hmm. All right,
we'll see you later.

Well, hello.

Dick, be ready for you
in a few minutes.

Are you nervous?

Well, a little.

Don't be.

Plastic surgery is going
to improve your life.

It did mine.

You had plastic surgery?

Oh, no.

But it did buy me a yacht.

Well, old face, this is the
last time I'll be seeing you.

I'd say good-Bye, but good
riddance is more like it.

Heh heh HEH heh heh.
Look at this forehead.

All mottled and wrinkled from
years of tortured thoughts and...

and gentle ruminations.

I'm certainly not
going to miss that.

Or this Chin, for that matter,

all scratched and scarred from
shaving in a rush so often,

trying to get to
work on time or...

or to Mary's house...

to pick her up for a date.

I remember this one.

I was rushing off to
take her on a picnic.

It started to rain,

so we had to eat wet tuna
sandwiches in an outhouse.

That was so nice.

So, good-Bye, old Chin.

You'll be facing the laser soon.

And good-Bye to you, old nose.

And take care, old ears.

And you, too, old lips.

And take care of Yourselves...

Oh, my god.

What am I doing?

All right, Dick, we're
ready for you now.

Well, we're not ready for you!


I'm not gonna change this face!

This face is a scrapbook
dedicated to who I am, damn it!

And, by god, I'm gorgeous!

No! You're not!

Screw you!


Hey, Sally.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. What's goin' on?

I think you know.

I think you've known
for a long time.

I really don't.

Come on, don. Stop pretending.

You and I both know that a
relationship cannot last

when one of the people
looks like me...

And the other looks like you.

Damn it! I knew one
day you'd wake up

and realize what was goin' on.

Don't kick yourself, Donny.

We gave it our best shot.

I thought we were
beyond looks, Sally.

Come on, don. Look at you.

How could we get beyond that?

Yeah, I guess so.

Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate your kindness.

Not many men would hang in there

with a gal as
unattractive as me.


Don't make me spell
it out for you, don.

I know I'm as ugly as they come.

I don't even know how you
can stand to look at me.

Well, Sally, I'm not
gonna lie to ya.

It's been hard.

It's been a real struggle.

And granted, we'll continue
to get stares out in public,

but... that's a price
I'm willing to pay...

because I love you.

Oh, Donny!

Oh, ho ho!

Thank you! Thank you!

Well, Mary, what do you think?

You didn't get anything done.

No. Look, Mary, I know how much you
wanted me to have that surgery.

I never wanted you...

No, no!

But when I got in there,
I realized this face...

is my face!

It's like a museum of my life,

Especially my life with you.

So, if you've grown tired of
this Dusty, drafty old museum,

maybe you should just
go to the guggenheim.

Oh, Dick, Dick...

I know what you're
going through.

I've been there myself.

You have?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

a few years ago, I...

I was thinking about having
some work done on...

my nose.

Your nose?

Yes, I thought if it was
just a little longer...

No, no, but I love your nose.

You do?

The way it scrunches
up when you smile.

It really does?

And those ears...

I love it when you let
me nibble on them.

I kinda like that, too.

And those eyes...

like 2 clear blue windows

into the deepest soul
I've ever known.

Oh, Dick.

Oh, Mary.

Sorry about the lights.

My coffee maker blew a circuit.

I'm going to check the breaker.

My god, you're beautiful.

So are you.

Yeah, I know.

You know, they say that beauty
is in the eye of the beholder,

when in reality, it's in
the eye of the beholdee.

Well, what are you saying?

If I think I'm attractive,
I actually am?

No, Tommy, not you. Me.

Not you. Mm-mmm.

You know what I realized?

It's not important
what you look like.

What's important is who
you are on the inside.

That's hilarious!

Where'd you hear that, leno?

No, no, I made it up myself.
I swear!

You should write for leno.

I know!

Well, I, for one, am
tired of being handsome.

You know, all people see when
they look at me is a pretty face,

and then they end up treating
me like I'm an idiot.

You are an idiot.

See? That's what I'm talkin' about.
Forget it.

I'm not gonna be
handsome anymore.

You can't just stop
being handsome, Harry.

Oh, no?

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