3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 4 - Dial M for Dick - full transcript

Mary invites Dick to a murder mystery weekend and the Solomons join Mary to the mansion where the weekend will take place. However, the Solomons do not realize it's all fake and all the other guests are merely actors. The first evening, Mary falls ill and spends the rest of the time in bed. Then, the first murder takes place and the Solomons don't understand why everybody remains so calm while somebody has just been murdered. They decide they have to find out who the killer is.

Good morning.


what are you doing this weekend?

I don't know, I may have plans.

Well, I have tickets to the
cherrywood Manor mystery weekend.

You know, it's one of those
interactive theatrical experiences.

Yes, I have plans.

Oh, come on, Nina.

I think it would be fun.
It's like a party.

The guests mingle
with the actors

while sipping merlot and
Eating hors D'oeuvres,

and then a murder is staged,

and we amateur sleuths
have to try and solve it.

I'll go, if you can guarantee

I'll be the first one murdered.

But the food's really good.

Are you talking about Staley's,

because their onion
loaf is to die for.

No, I am talking about the
cherrywood mystery weekend.

The cherrywood mystery weekend?

You know, it's one of those

old fashioned whodunits
with Food and wine?

Oh, one of those.

Would your family like to come?

I hear they put on a great show.

There's a show? We all
love a good show.

So you'll come?

Well, I don't know.
Everybody's sort of busy.

I mean, if you had
told us earlier,

or if it were free...

It's my treat.

All right, we're in!

Captioning made possible
by Carsey-Werner

productions And the national
broadcasting company

now, let me get this
straight, colonel Pinkham,

you stopped a charging rhino

with Nothing more than a stare,

and then actually wrestled
it to it's death?

That's exactly what I did.

Let me shake your hand.


Having fun, sweetheart?

Oh, I'm having a wonderful time.

Mary, I'd like you to
meet colonel Pinkham.

He, he was just telling me

about his last hunting trip.

Oh, don't tell me, let me guess.

On the planes of the serengeti?

Oh, you bagged yourself a
smart one there, Dick.

Excuse me.

Oh, and by the way,

good luck.

Good luck to you, Pinkham.

You know, what a
remarkable character.

Oh, yeah, he's good.

I saw him last year in man of la
mancha at theater on the pier.

A big game Hunter and an actor?
My God.

He's a renaissance man.

Did you see the size
of those prawns?



Yeah, I just want one more.

So, uh, how long
before the show, Dick?

Oh, I hope it's not for a while.

I'm meeting the most
fascinating people, Harry.

Dick, what kind of a
weird-ass party is this?

Everyone I talk to, they want to
tell me their whole life story,

and then, they want to tell me
secrets about the other guests.

And that guy, chip Caswell,
he keeps telling me

about how much he hates

this old dude with
the young wife,

and you know what?
He wears makeup.

You know what your problem is?

For the first time,
you find yourselves

in a civilized social situation

where you have to match wits

with Intellectuals and bon
vivants, and you crumble.

I, on the other hand, flourish.

Another drink, colonel?

Don't mind if I do.

Mary, you haven't touched

your twice baked
CHEDDAR chive potato.

Can I have it?

I... I'm not feeling too well.

Oh, you should talk to my
friend here, Jack wallencott.

He tells me he's in
excruciating pain, Mary,

but he's not going to give in

until he gets that damned
will of his sorted out,

right, wallencott?

Right. I only hope

nothing happens to
me before I do.

I feel queasy and bloated,
and I'm all sweaty.

I've gotta go lie
down, excuse me.

Yeah, Well, uh, hurry back.

So, colonel Pinkham,

would you regale us with another
story of man against beast?

Oh, well, I once shot an
elephant in my pajamas.


Really? Mmm.

How he got in my pajamas,
I'll never know.

Did you leave your tent open?

A Tad more wine, mrs.

Why, chip, I hope you're
not trying to get me drunk

so you can take advantage of me.

Certainly not, mrs. Wallencott.

Mrs. Wallencott.

You are having this conversation

right in front of your husband.

What say we take it on
down to the drawing room,

and leave the pretty boy
behind with the cheese.


You've been my
Butler for 20 years,

you never remember

to keep my wine glass full.

You see how she bosses
that guy around?

Yeah, and he's the
best dressed guy here.

What a wuss.

Mmm. Pathetic. Hey, Eames!
More water, now!

And uh, could you clear
this dirty plate, Eames?

Very Well, sir.

Very well, sir.

I would like to propose a toast.

A toast to my new friends.

All: Hear, hear!

Ooh! Good heavens!

He's been murdered!

But by whom?

A trio of sorbets will be
served in the drawing room.

Does this mean the
show's canceled?

Oh, this is horrible.

A man has just been murdered,

and everyone is calmly
standing around

eating sorbet.

Obviously, these people

have been completely

by all the gratuitous violence.

They've seen on
television and movies...

and especially the movies.

So what are we gonna do?

We're gonna grab Mary
and get out of here.

Come on.

Everybody stay exactly
where you are.

Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen,

please take your seats.

I am inspector Macaffery
from scotland yard.

He got here quick.

No one is to leave the premises.

Until further investigation,

everyone is
considered a suspect.


Sh-sh-surely you
don't mean everyone?

Given the right circumstances,

anyone is capable of murder.

But not everyone.

Yes, everyone.

But not anyone.


There, there, Milly.

Ooh, careful.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, slow down there, Buddy.

I'm sorry.

What are you, crazy?

That woman's husband
was just murdered

and you're trying to stick
your tongue down her throat?

Do you want to become
the prime suspect?

Well, why would I be a suspect?

It's obvious that
Hunter guy did it.

How dare you!

My dear friend colonel
Pinkham is many things,

longbow expert, marksman, knife
and gun collector, actor...

but he is no murderer.

Oh, my poor Mary.

Listen, let's not spoil
Mary's "Whodunit" Weekend

with news of this
heinous murder.

Oh, Dick.

You guys having fun?

All: Oh, yeah.

Darling, yes, we only
wish that you could

join in all the gaiety.

How are you feeling?

I feel awful.

I've been throwing up for hours.

Did anyone else eat the prawns?

All: No.

It must be food poisoning.

Oh, my god, Mary!

You've been poisoned!

Who has done this to you?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Oh, my god.

If they can get to Albright,

then none of us is safe.


Ok, sorry. I'm ok.


So, inspector, any

No, But the game's
afoot, I dare say.

You know, I could
assist you in all this.

What if we collected some
bits of physical Evidence?


You know, cigar Butts,
lipstick stains,

a monogrammed lighter,

a monogrammed handkerchief,

a monogrammed towel,
a monogrammed shirt,

anything monogrammed
would be really good.

Right, well, let's not
get overeager, hmm?

Why don't you sit back and take
in the events as thy unfold?

But there's a murderer among us!

Yes, and he'll be
among us all weekend.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
must phone scotland yard.

That inspector is
appallingly lackadaisical.

Look, maybe I'd
better just call don.

Yeah, we need some
Rutherford blue on our side.

But until then, and I know

this might sound a
bit unorthodox,

I think we need to do some
sleuthing on our own.

Are you saying that we should

try to solve the
murder ourselves?

At a party?


Someone may have had the motive.

Someone may have had
the opportunity.

My god, if they had both!

I'd better go confer with my
dear friend, the colonel.

Ok, this might sound
crazy, right,

but what if Eames did it?

You think the Butler did it?

Well, that's a
little far-fetched.

Well, think about it.

Who gave Albright
the poison prawns?



you haven't been
very nice to Eames.

No, you picked on him first.

I'm a teenager, I
couldn't resist.

Whatever. Look, Harry, come on.

Let's go find a
phone and call don.


Eames. Hi, man, how
are you doing?

Listen, you got a first name?


You and me, Eames, uh,
we're cool, right?

No, sir.

Colonel Pinkham,
we need your help.

This inspector has
some agenda of his own

that I don't understand.
I think...



He's dead!

My dear friend colonel
Pinkham has been murdered!

Eames: A selection
of Domestic ports

will be served in the foyer.

That's it! I'm not
staying for the show.



Oh, hello!

Just enjoying a
little sustenance.

This case is particularly
a taxing one.

Another man has been murdered.


Oh! Sorry.

Sorry? Because of your
laxity, a man is dead!

Maybe that lazy
pip-pip-CHEERIO attitude

flies in Foggy old London town,

but you're in ohio now, guv'nah!

Listen, I've done a
thousand of these.

Calm down, sit back, enjoy it.

Enjoy it? That's it.

I'm taking over
this investigation.

Give me that police blotter.

Casting call?

This is for actors.

What do you want from me?

I'll tell you
something, macaffery,

maybe you should try acting

because you're a damned
awful inspector!

Hello, Mary.

I brought you some crackers.

They're sealed, so I
think they're safe.


I'm just so glad you're not...


That would be ironic,
wouldn't it?

Mary, I haven't been
completely honest with you.

Something's happened.

2 people have been murdered.

Oh, no.

You don't sound very concerned,

I said, 2 people, murdered.

2 people, and I've
been up here, sick.

So you have.

It's been awful.

You have been up here

the whole time, right?

When you have food
poisoning, you can't move.

Everybody knows that.

Yes, everybody knows that.

What kind of crackers are these?

Garlic and sour cream.


Ok, Tommy,

I gotta stay up here

and guard Albright's door.

You go downstairs
and wait for don,

and don't tell anyone
what you're doing.

Ok, um, could you take that
candle away from your face?

It sort of makes you
look like a monster.


All right, that's not funny.

Ok, I've got issues
with Eames, and...

Come on, Tommy. You
can get through this.

We've been through tougher
things than this before.

You're right.

Ok. We have.

Damn right, we have.

Yeah! Ok!

All right!

Both: Aah! Hey, I'm sorry,

I thought that the
trigger was the safety.

Oh, god, don, thank
god you're here.

What's wrong?

Unspeakable things have been
happening in this house, don.

Well, I'm sure it's nothing

this police Officer
hasn't seen before, son.

This old guy in a wheelchair

got a knife stuck in his back,

and he croaked right
in front of us.

I've never seen that before.

And then, somebody put poison

in This safari guy's drink,

and he just fell dead,
right out of his chair.

And he was, like...

2 guys were killed?

I'd better get backup.
You hang tight.

No, no, no. Don't let
anybody see you, baby.

They could kill you, too.

Aw, jeez.


I just saw don. He's
going for backup.


Because I think I'm on the verge

of blowing This case wide open.
Follow me!

Aha! Fingerprints on the mantle,

but whose prints could they be?

Who was last seen
alone in this room?

Alas, that concludes
tonight's chapter,

ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Man: Bravo!

Pleasant dreams.

Not so fast!

No one goes to sleep
just yet, inspector.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Ok, Everybody sit their evil
little Butts back down, now!


Ladies and gentlemen,

dr. Solomon is about
to address you all.

Please hold All comments

until he has finished
his summation.

Thank you, Harry.

These are the facts,
as we know them.

During dinner, Jack wallencott

dropped Dead into his potato,

a hunting knife
Protruding from his back.

Hours later, my dear
friend colonel Pinkham

was found poisoned to death in
his favorite wingback chair.

Dick, come to bed.

Quiet, Mary, I'm summing up.

But it's only Friday.

Shut it!

Who is responsible?

Ooh, Jack wallencott.

Oh, lord.


One hour ago, I was rifling

through mrs.
Runquist's suitcase.

How dare you go
through my things?

How dare you own
a leopard thong?

And while I was
contemplating that thong,

I wondered...

who is the person that
we would least suspect

of poisoning the colonel?

Will you sit down?

You're stealing my part.
I get to do this.

How many more people have to die

because of your incompetence?

I do the summation after
brunch, every Sunday.

Read the damn brochure!


The least likely suspect

is the person...

who, herself, was poisoned,

but poisoned only to the extent

that she lay sick in her room,

above suspicion, away from
the crowd, the perfect dose.

And who knows more about poisons

than an anthropologist?

A toxicologist? Yes.

But forget I just said that.
That leads nowhere.

No! Mary Albright
killed Jack Wallencott

and then in a fever
of vengefulness,

she killed my dear
friend, colonel Pinkham.

What the...

Yes, Mary.

I could tell immediately
you were jealous.

You never expected
the colonel and me

to forge such a bond.

And if you couldn't have me,

no one else could.

You can't accuse me of murder,

you can only accuse the actors.

And which Actors would
those be, Mary?

If you had hips the size
of that blonde woman,

would you be wearing that skirt?

Oh, Darling, please. I
wouldn't even leave the house.

Colonel. You're alive.

And Mr. Wallencott, you...

you can walk!

Wait a minute,

you only pretended to die.

None of This is real.

This is all a scam!

No, wait...

you're all actors.

This is the show, right?

Well, you were all marvelous.

And you, sir, are the reason
I want to leave acting,

and return to my first passion,



I... I never really believed

that you were the murderer,

especially once I found out

that everybody
here was an actor,

that's when it really hit me.

Hut, Hut, Hut, hut, hut!

Freeze! Everybody
down on the floor!

Down on the floor! You!
Show me the bodies!

Now! Go, go, go, go, go!

Sally: Don! Don! Hon.

Is this one of those
murder mystery things?

Well, yaah.

Rico, hold the gas!

Aah! The gas!

I don't get it.

For free, murder is
a horrible tragedy,

but you charge 100 bucks for it,

and suddenly, it's a
sophisticated night out.

But it's inappropriate for kids.

This world does need
more entertainment

that's acceptable for children.

Something where people

are nice to each other.

Something where people

can just love one another.

They have that. It's
called pornography.

Then that's what
kids should watch.