3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Big Giant Head Returns Again: Part 2 - full transcript

Dick is totally astonished when The Big Giant Head turns out to be his father and he doesn't know what to do. Tommy's very angry with Sally when he finds out she dumped Alissa on his behalf. He now tries to do whatever he can to get her back. The tender relationship Harry and Janice have, won't last long if a jealous Vicky has anything to say about it.

Tommy: Information
officer's log:

Last time on 3rd
rock from the sun...

as Alissa was helping me

write my valedictorian speech,

Sally misunderstood and thought
Alissa was breaking up with me.

Just like Sally to do
something totally stupid.

Listen, Tommy's
breaking up with you.

The big giant head returned to earth with
Vicki Dubcek, his new wife and queen.

But she was not happy to find out about
Harry's new relationship with Janice.

The queen...

is pissed.

While that wasn't bad enough, the big
giant head won't leave Dick alone.

It's really kinda creepy. We still
don't know what it's all about.

Because I am...

your father.

Sally, have you been
to my school lately?


Oh... y...

Yes, I was.

I was there. Um...

I broke up with Alissa for you.

Ah ha!

Why... would you do that?

She was gonna dump you first.

I didn't want to see
my baby get hurt.

I am not your baby! I'm
older than all of you,

and it's time you start
treating me that way!

Ok, well, now I know why
Alissa was gonna dump you.

You're very Moody.

Sally! Harry!


I have some astounding news!

What's goin' on, Dick?

You guys know the big
giant head, right?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, you're not
gonna believe this,

but he's my... He's my father!

What?! no way! Yes!

That's just like in star wars.

When Luke skywalker finds out
that darth Vader's his father!

Oh, grow up, Tommy. That
was popular entertainment.

This is real life!

I knew it! I knew it!

That's why I wasn't
made high commander.

Daddy was playing favorites!

Oh, I don't know what to do!

I don't know what to feel!
Who am I?!

Well, let me see...

your first name's Dick...

your new last name is head...

so I guess that would make...

Oh, my god.

Are you sure this is what
fathers and sons Do?


Trust me. I saw it on
a kodak commercial.

How long do we drag our
strings in the water?

I guess until somebody
takes our picture...

and then processes
it on kodak paper.

Can I ask you something, sir?

Well, sure, son.

Why did you wait until now
to tell me you're my father?

Well, I've been very busy!

But now... I want to find
new meaning in my life.

And please... call me dad.

I couldn't do that, not
after eons of you being

my unpredictable and
domineering overlord.

That's a short leap to dad.

There's something
wrong with my string.

It's a fish!


Oh! Aah!

You got a fish!

Look out! Oh!

I'll save you, sir!

Just... throw it away!

Get it out of here! Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's all right. We're safe now.

You were very brave, son.

So were you, dad.

You see!

That wasn't hard, was it?

I guess not...



Old man.

Geezer! Bag of bones!



The fish we got in the market

have a lot less attitude
than the ones in the lake.

Nina, could you behead
and filet these for us?

We're both starving.

Oh, I'd be happy to! Would you
like them grilled or sautéed?

You are such a sweetheart.

Isn't she great?

Dick... I wanna
know who you are,

who you surround yourself with.

I think we should have
a big party tonight,

and I want you to invite that
special young lady of yours.

Tonight? She can't come.


No. She hates you.

Oh, great.

Now you two dress alike.

Why don't you just
get a room already?

Mary, please don't be mad...

Uh, Dick, I'll
take care of this.

Mary, it seems I've been
ungentlemanly toward you.

You? No!

I love it when you pinch my ass!

It's goofy fun!

I deserve that witty Barb,

but it would please me no end

if you would join us
for dinner tonight.

I could make amends.
We could start over.

I don't know...

please, Mary. Honor us
with your presence.


you... look... lovely!

Ok, I'll come!

My dad... is the coolest dad
in the whole wide world.





You've been avoiding me,

but I deserve a chance to...
Man, this is really hot!

Hey, Solomon, why don't you
send your aunt down here

to Ogle us, you horny geek!

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you

put some clothes on, you...
sexy mama!

Tommy, will you please get lost?

No. No. Just listen
to me for a second.

I did not tell Sally
to break up with you.

Oh, really? So she just decided to
come down here and do it on her own?

Yes! I don't need Sally.

Breaking up with you is
something I will do myself.


When the time co...
If the time comes!

Ok, you know what? It
is so over between us.

And I'm giving you back
everything you ever gave me!

You... I...

If only I'd given
her that towel.

So, Mary, tell me
more about yourself.

What do your parents do?

Oh, you know. They're
just average retirees.

Dad plays golf.

Yeah. And her mom
likes to get tanked

and shoot at squirrels from the
garden window with a bb gun.

You're just gonna
love these people.


we're running low
on the mini-quiche.

Could you heat up another batch?

Oh, that's nice.

Order me around in
front of your father.

But just you wait
till daddy's gone.

I'm gonna give you the
wedgie of a lifetime!

I'm telling!

Hey, everybody.

Hey, citizens.

Oh, hi!

Hi, boyfriend.

Hello, my gentle giant.

Hey, hon.


I brought you a little
somethin' for after the meal.

Oh, thanks.

"People's exhibit B"?

It came from a bakery we raided

that was a front
for a drug dealer.

You might want to scrape
off the powdered sugar

before you serve it.

Hey, Janice!

Hey, Vicki! How are you?


You two know each other?

Well, yeah. I met Vicki
at the mall today.

Well, what a small world!

You know, I wonder who else
I know knows someone I know

that I don't know knows
that person I know.

You know?


Hey, Vicki, I have
an extra ticket

to Tommy's graduation.

Please tell me you'll come.

I don't know. Harry, isn't
graduation sort of a family thing?

Oh, come on. Are you kiddin' me?

Hearin' the names of 500 kids
read in alphabetical order?

That's not just fun for family.

That's fun for everyone!

You are so cute.


yes. And aren't you just
the perfect couple?

Ha ha. Hey. You know what?

If you come to that graduation,

I'm gonna take care of you.

I'm gonna take care
of you real good!

You're a lot nicer than
I thought you were,

old stoney, old boy.

You're too kind.

Your friend Dick...

is the kindest, most
interesting man

I have ever been with...

and let me tell you, I have
been with a lot of men.

A lot.

Oh, really? Ahem. How many?

A lady never tells.

More than 5?


More than 40?




Ah. Thanks, dad.

It's so nice to see you
and Mary getting along.

Isn't she wonderful?

She certainly tries to
give off that impression.

Yep. She's a keeper.

Son, I... want you to
break up with her.


You heard me.

But she's my girlfriend.

She's a slut and a Boozer!

2 qualities I usually
like in a woman.

But that's not good
enough for my son!

I can't break up with Mary.
I love her!

Sorry, son. My house, my rules.

But this is my house!

Right. But your house
is in my galaxy. I win.

This is totally unfair!

It may seem that way now, but
in time, you'll thank me!

No way! I'll never thank you!
Not in a million years!

You ungrateful brat!

You're on a time-out!


"Dear dad, by the
time you read this,

"I'll be halfway to an
undisclosed location

that may or may Not
rhyme with Fentucky."

I hate you, I hate
you, I hate you.

Love, Dick.

This oughta do it.


Where do you think you're goin'?

Dad said he didn't want
me seeing Mary anymore,

so I'm running away from home!

You're what? Yeah. And
I'm taking her with me!

Does Mary know about this?

Not exactly. That reminds me...

I forgot the blindfold
and the chloroform!

Come on, Dick!

You can't run away! Just
stand up to the guy!

He's just your father!

Yeah, but fathers
are supposed to be

looked up to and revered!

Plus, I don't want him
to give me the belt.

What planet have you been
living on for the last 5 years?

Kids here don't
revere their parents.

They disrespect the
hell out of them!

Are you sure?

Yes. Trust me. This is my area.

I know about
disrespecting fathers.

That's right. You always
make me feel like crap.

See that?


Gee, thanks, Tommy.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

I probably don't say this
often enough, but...

I love you, son.

Shut up!

Jeez, you are good!

No, you are in 24-e, Janice.

Ok? You go right on down there.

Ok. And I'm right here.

Janice, you want to sit here?

No! Her ticket says 24-e,

and she will sit in 24-e!

Hi! Is Dick here?

Got a little something for him.
Nice, huh?

You can't take that.
It's somebody's diploma.

Why not? There's a whole
tableful of them over there.

Nobody'll miss that one.

Billy Jenkins will.

Harry, I cannot believe that
Dick got to be high commander.

Why couldn't I have been
the big giant head's son?

Yeah, Well, I don't have
a mother or a father,

and I got a great job
on this mission.

Harry, you're the
freakin' radio!

Sure, pick on the orphan.

Yeah, Yeah.

Look, maybe he made
Dick the high commander

because you're the best
security officer there is.

Damn right I am.

I mean, who else but me
would be able to figure out

that Vicki is under the
bleachers right now

preparing to vaporize Janice?


See? Yeah, you're a natural.

I wish I was smart
enough to figure out

that Vicki's down there
tryin' to kill Janice.

Well, you're not smart
enough, my friend.

Yep. I wish I was.

I know you do, sweetie, but...

oh, my god!

Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me!


Hi, Janice.



hey, um, could you pass this
message down to Alissa?

Tell her that I'm
sorry she was hurt,

but I never told my aunt
to break up with her

and that Sally will never
go near her again.

Ok? Pass that down.

Hey, Alissa, Tommy says

if you ever come near him again,

his aunt Sally will hurt you.

Tell Tommy "Screw you."

Alissa says "Screw you."

There you are!

Nice calves!

Bye-Bye, pretty girl!

Don't even try it, sister.

Oh, yeah? And Who's
gonna stop me?


And this...

This big unicorn

ice cube!

You melted my
unicorn, you bitch!

Yeah. And you know what?

You're next!

Not so fast!

Huah! Huah! Huah!

Huah! Huah! Huah!

I am your queen,

and you will bow to me!


Sorry, master.

Lower! I... can't...

Lower! Yeah, you can!

Hello, stone.


You remember Mary...

my lover.

Of course.

I just didn't expect
to see her here.

Oh, I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

Of course she wouldn't.
She's my lover!

Lighten up.

I really enjoyed talking
to you last night, stone.

I'm surprised you even
remember the conversation.

You leave her alone,
you big bully!

Dick! Well, he is.

You know, he's so sweet!

Sweet? He wants me to
break up with you.

Dick! What? Yeah.

He thinks you're not
good enough for me.

Oh, I don't think he meant that.
Did you, stone?

Mary, I think you're a
perfectly good girlfriend

for, say... the
beer delivery guy.

Oh, stone! Ha Ha ha!

Oh, that reminds me of something
that nietzche once said.

What was it? Um...

du bist ein esel. What?

You're an ass!

No, I'm serious. I love
your New hair color.


Hello, Vicki.


I'm the one you want, Vicki.

And you can have me.

You mean it?

That's right!

It's lunchtime in the
hot and nasty diner.

Today's special...

Harry loaf!

That's it.



How dare you trick
me with your flesh!

That's what it's there for.

I'll take it from here,
security officer.

Good work...


Oh, Vicki, look at you.

You're hurting me.

You've forgotten what
it's like to be human!

I did it because I
love you, Harry.

Well, if you really love me,

you'll just let me be
happy with Janice.

I'm so sorry.

Oh... Vicki, what
happened to you?!

Well, you don't know what it's
like livin' up there with him!

I mean, at least on earth I
could fill the void in my soul

with malt liquor and velveeta.

Can't we be friends, Harry?

Well... ok.


Mmm... Yeah.

By the way, Vicki,

friends don't usually...

cup each other's Butts

during emotionally vulnerable
moments like this.

Oh, right. Just for the future.

It makes sense!
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.


Thank you.

"Principal greschner, faculty,

"Honored guests, lunch ladies,

"Weird old guy in
the raincoat...

"What does it mean
to be valedictorian?

"For many, being
first in one's class

"is a distinction that
defines their futures.

But for me..."

it means squat because I
don't have a girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

That's right, Alissa.

Being first in my class
pales in comparison

to being first in your heart.

So... what I'll remember most
About my high school experience

is our time together...

our long walks after school,

doing homework in
the coffee house,

that day in the park
when it rained.

Oh, Tommy.

And, um... I think
I'll remember most

that time that we fooled
around on your parents' bed

when they were out of town.

Alissa... please take me back.

Go to hell!

Long live rock!

Hey, sport.

I got nothin' to say to you.

What happened to us?

Remember the Jazz club?

♪ Scooby Dooby DOOBY
DOOBY dooby doo ♪

We were such pals!

That was before I found
out you were my father.

Well, how does being
family change everything?

It just does! How?

Well, if you don't know,
I'm not gonna tell you!

You don't know, do you?

Why did you even have me?

You were a mistake.

But... but, the greatest
mistake I ever made!


Oh, listen, son.

If that little tramp Mary
Albright makes you happy,

so be it! You have my blessing!

You mean it?

Yes. I really think
she's a tramp.

No. I mean about your blessing!


Right. You bet.

Thanks, dad.


You wanna have a catch?


You know, it's funny. Whenever
the big giant head left before,

I'd feel relieved.

But now that I know
he's my father,

I feel especially relieved.

Well, it must be nice to know

where you come from.

Yeah, to find out
who your family is.

I already know who my family is.

It's not some guy who waltzes
in and calls Himself "Father."

It's the people I
let into my life,

the people I trust and love.


I'd like to meet those people!

They sure sound nice.

No, Harry, I mean all of you.

No, I don't think so.

Oh! Hey, by the way, Dick,

what did you ever do with
that electric curler

demolecularizer thingy?

Oh, don't worry. It's safe.
Yeah, trust me.

It's somewhere where no
one will ever find it.