3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Big Giant Head Returns - full transcript

The Big Giant Head is back to take his son with him to the home planet. When he sees Vicky (who lost her trashy look, by the way) he instantly falls in love with her. She, however, hates his guts because he left her right after he made her pregnant. The Big Giant Head tells Dick to make her love him. Otherwise, he'll kill Dick. Meanwhile, Harry still loves Vicky but doesn't know what to do with these feelings, given the fact The Big Giant Head, his superior, wants her. Sally has her own problem: She's addicted to buying shoes. Tommy tries to help her.

Hey, guys!

Just a moment, young lady.

What took you so long?

You've been out grocery
shopping for 5 hours.

Yeah, well, it's hard
to find good produce.

I'll take these,
if you don't mind.

Ohh, not again!

You spent all our
food money on Shoes?

Where are you getting that from?

Sally, you have a problem.

No, I don't! Oh, no? Come here.

Look at this place.

What? I don't have any
more shoes than... than...

than Italy?

And what is this?

I have a bad back.

Black manolo pumps. Check.

Velvet Mary Janes. Check.

Red strappy dolces. Check.

Hey, y'all.

Vicki dubcek? Is that you?

Well, who else would it be?

Well, I don't know.

It's just that you
look So, uh...

what's the opposite of trashy?

Not trashy? Not trashy.

Oh, my god, Vicki?

Wow, look at you. Why
are you so cleaned up?

Well, to tell you the
truth, I hit rock bottom.

I was drinking. Oh, yeah.

And I was freer with my body

than a medical school cadaver.

But then along came
little Eric Travis.

All: Ohh!

He's so little.

Motherhood certainly seems to
have transformed you, Vicki.

Oh, boy, I'll say.

You know, I was so out of it,

I actually thought I was
impregnated by an alien.

I mean, come on!

All: Come on!

You are a pig!

What's going on?

One of your friends
is here to see you.

This is very important.

Is he literally a pig?

I'm back! Ring-a-ding-ding!

Oh, god!

If it isn't the big giant head?

Welcome! What a surprise!

You didn't call. You usually call.
Why didn't you call?

Just keeping you on your toes.

Oh, smart move.

Actually, I forgot to call.

Brilliant! Brilliant.

Oh, Mary, you remember, uh, stone.
Stone Phillips.

Oh, god, no.

You're the attractive,
mature one.

Would you do a cartwheel for me?

You're an ass.

If it's one as magnificent
as yours, I thank you.

You're still an ass!

Strange, I don't remember
earth being this bitchy.

I know. What's that all about?

So, your awesome bigliness,

to what do we owe the
honor of your arrival?

The last time I was
in Rutherford,

I sired an heir.

With Vicki dubcek, uh-huh.


Point is, I've come
to take him back

to Groom him for
his future throne.

What a fine idea. Long
live the royal line...

Oh, shut up.

Do me a cartwheel.


A cartwheel!

That was sucky.

Oh, by the way, this Harness
belongs to your assistant.

Sally, are those new boots?

I'm sorry, Tommy. I tried,

but this damn Patch
doesn't work!

Hey, Vicki, your new
breast pump just came.

Oh. Thank you.

Sally, do me a favor.
Look after Eric Travis.

While I go pump out a
little liquid gold.

Hey, dubbi, how'd
you hurt your arm?

I fell off the ironing board.

What were you doing
on the ironing board?

I rolled off the
kitchen counter.

Guys! I got good
news and bad news.

What's the bad news?

The big giant head is here.

What's the good news?

There is none.

Well, then, why did you
phrase it like that?

I don't know!

Come on!

♪ Across the void
we come a-warping ♪

♪ Across the fields
of stars we soar ♪

♪ We pledge to war and mapping ♪

Stop it! I hate that song.

Ooh, lieutenant.


How's it possible
that you're even

hot-monkey lovelier than before?

Sir, Mr. Head, wouldn't you
like to see your son and Heir?

What the hell is that?

That's your son, sir.

My son? My son's a
Leader, a warrior.

This thing is covered in snot.

Well, it's 6 months old, sir.

That's normal for an earth baby.

Yeah, but if it makes
you feel better,

the size of his head is the
talk of the mommy and me group.

That's my boy.

No, that's my boy.

Well, if it isn't...

who are you?

I'm the woman you knocked up

and then abandoned, you rat!

Oh, that's you!

You look less...

trashy. Yeah, I know.

Hey, baby.

Hey, sweet little boy,

look at my sweetie.

Come on, little Eric Travis.

I don't want you anywhere near
This itinerant sperm donor.

Well, sir...

you know what they say,

"Heir today and gone Tomorrow."

Please don't vaporize me.

When I saw that woman
holding my baby,

my heart filled with joy,

my stomach got all tingly.

What's going on?

It sounds like
you're in love, sir.

Love? Love? Yes, love.

Yes! I love her. She loves me.

We've never been happier.

Unfortunately, no, sir.

She despises you.

Then you have to
make her love me.

Me, make her? I
don't think I can.

Of course you can, Dick.
I mean, come on,

you made Albright fall
in love with you.

Yeah! When we first got
here, she hated your guts.

And now, for some reason,
she sleeps in your boxers.

Uh, that's True.

If you can't figure out a way

to make Vicki dubcek love me,

I'll pull you off this mission
and send you to Mars.

Oh, well, Mars is not so bad.

Not that Mars!


All right, Sally.

The first step to curing
your shoe addiction

is to eliminate
the money source.

Of course! I'll kill Dick.

No. Uh, I was talking about
cutting up your credit card.

I can't do that.

Sally, it's for your own good.



No problem. Good.

Heh heh heh.

All right. All right.


There. Did it. Ha ha ha!


That was your library card.

You're right. No problem.

It's understandable.

Ok. You can do it.

I'm ready. Good.


ok, that was my library card.

I'm sorry.

Quit screwin' around. Take
out your credit card.

Come on.

There. I did it, ok?

Good. Good. Now your
bank of Columbus card.

Bank of taiwan card,

bank of crete card.

Not my bank of crete card.

Bank of crete!



Did you get that
information I asked for?

Uh... right.

About that, sir...

here's the thing...

I can't make Vicki
fall in love with you.

What you're asking
for is impossible.

There are thousands of reasons

that humans fall in
love with Each other,

and each one is as special
as all the others.

In other words, you've failed.

Largely, yes.

Prepare yourself for
immediate deportation.


Yes. I'm sending
you eighth class,

where all they serve
is a disgusting snack,

and you have to eat it!

5, 4, 3, 2...

Harry! Oh, there you are!

Tell the big giant head here how to
make a woman fall in love with you.

Uh, well, you know, I've never
been so good with words.

Show me!

We... of course, he'll show you.

That was my plan all along,
to have Harry show you.

So show him, Harry.

Oh... ok.

Dick, you be the woman.

And use the name Vicki.


Uh, all right.

Well, now...

I'll come in.

Hello, Harry.

Hi, Vicki.

You're looking very
handsome today.

Wow, you mean it?

Course I do.

You are one of those
unique people

that is as beautiful
on the outside

as you are on the in.

Well, you make me feel like I've
never felt before in my life.


Oh, your skin it's so soft.

Your eyes are so brown.

Oh, Vicki. Oh, Harry!

I love you, Vicki.

I love you, Harry!

What the hell are
you guys doing?

Uh... we're still workshopping it, sir.
It's very rough.

Well, this isn't working for me!

Win me Vicki dubcek's heart...

or you die.

But, sir, it's just
simply impossible.

What you're asking for...

You know, he is a
lousy houseguest.

Dick, I'm still in
love with Vicki.

Would it be bad if I told her?

You can't!

If Vicki winds up with you,

the big giant head will
squash you like a bug,

and I'll be banished from
this planet forever!

Well, he didn't say "No."

All right, now, this here is a
picture of a piece of cheese,

but in French it's...


Fromage. It's in French.

Hello, Vicki.

Oh, hey, Harry.

Hey, I was just teachin'
little Eric some French.

Do you know how to
say in French...

"I love you, and I should never
have let you out of my life"?

No, but I know how
to say, "Boot."

Vicki, are you home?

Yeah! I'm in here!

Harry, what are you doing
in Vicki's bedroom?

Well, I'm just helping Vicki
teach the baby French.

Est-Ce Que C'est vrai?

I don't speak French.

Je veux que to parte
en cep moment!

DIRE que je L'aime.

Es-tu fou? Elle appartient

à la Grande tête géante!

La Grand tête géante.

Did somebody say, "Discotheque"?

I thought I heard
somebody say...

maintenant vas-Y!
C'est une commande!

Très bien!

I will be back.




Vicki? Mm-hmm?

Stone Feels just awful
about abandoning you.

He wants to make things right.

Why don't you let him take you
out to dinner or something?

Oh, no. I do not want to
be alone with that man.

Oh, no. Mary and I
will come along.

She adores stone.
It'll be a blast.

Ah, I don't know.

Come on, Vicki. Do it for Eric.

Who's Eric?

Your baby.

Isn't he cute?

Yes. A large pepperoni
with mushrooms.

Can you hang on a second?

Hey, you know that shoe
store across the street?

Can you just look in
the window for me?

Oh, what... what do
they have on sale?

Oh... those are nice.

Can you get a pair over
here in 30 minutes or less?

'Cause I'll pay ya a little...

What are you doing?

I was ordering a pizza...
half-pepperoni, half-Buckles.

Sally, you are
totally strung out.

All right, we are gonna need
to take drastic measures.

What do you mean?

I mean hypnosis.


Sally, it's your last hope.

You're right. Ok.

Now... ahem!

I want you to relax.

Focus on the sound of my voice.



Touch my boobs when I'm
under, and you're dead.

What? Is Dick here?

No. Shh!

Oh, great! He probably
already went off to dinner.

Oh, I despise that
French bastard!


Snail-eater! Shh!

Ok... ahem!

Where were we?

Ok, Sally...

when I say, "One,"

you will fall deeply asleep.



Good. Good.

Now, nod if you can hear me.


Deep sleep.

Sally, do you remember telling
me I couldn't touch your boobs?

Crap. Ok, moving on.

When you hear the number 2...

you will wake up feeling
totally refreshed.

When you hear the number 3,

you will feel as if
your shoes are on fire.

Ok, now, let's wake you up.

And... 2!

How do you feel?

Like you totally
suck at hypnosis.

What are you talking...
Your head dropped.

I wanted to look at my shoes,

which are not on
fire, by the way.

I'm gonna go make me a sandwich.

Could you make me one?

Hey, look at that.

Harry fell asleep.

I could really use a nap, too.

Wow, I've never felt so
refreshed in All my life.

You know what?

I'm goin' down to
that restaurant,

and I'm gonna tell
Vicki that I love her.

Wait, Harry!

Harry's standing up to
the big giant head?

He's gonna get killed.

You know what this means, Tommy.

I'm gonna need some Conservative
black pumps for the funeral.

Sally. Sally! Sally!

Well, isn't this lovely?

And so romantic,
don't you think?

How about a toast?

To us...

4 people from completely
different worlds

just trying to make
a go of it, huh?


So, dr. Albright, how are things
treatin' ya at the hospital?

I'll bet those hmos are
just makin' ya crazy, huh?

Ah Ha ha!

I'm not that kind
of doctor, Vicki.

So, you mean, like, you're,
like, a veterinarian, or what?

So what can I get for all
of you this evening?

A taxi!

Good night.

Oh, wait, Mary!

Where are you going?

I'm nervous. I don't
know what to say.

Why don't you just
tell her how you feel?



What do you want from me?

I'm not proud of what I did.

I'm the guilty one.

I mean, you just abandoned
me and little Eric Travis.

Now I can't think of
anything but you two.

Yeah. You expect me
to believe that one?

Well, it's True.

When I saw you
holding our child,

I felt things I
never felt before.

I felt the need to...

be the one...


look after you,

the one...


protect you.

Oh... Oh, stone.

Vicki, I love you
with All my heart.

I want to be with you
and little Eric,

just us three.


My shoes are on fire!


Poor baby.

That's rough.

Dick: Sally, Tommy, Harry!

Are stone and Vicki back yet?


Last time I saw them,

they were kissin'
at the restaurant.

Yes! That means they're
back together, right?

Well, I don't know. You got me.

I was too busy trying
to put my shoes out

in the restaurant's koi pond.

Long story short...
Congratulations, Dick.

You got what you wanted.

Well, thank you, Harry.

I didn't know a chocolate
soufflé could be that fluffy,

but it was!

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here.

There's something I want to say.

Vicki, there's only one
thing in This world

that I love more than you.

That's me.

Marry me?

Stone, this is so sudden.

I don't... I don't
know what to say!

Say "No."

what? What?

What? Huh?

Harry still loves you, Vicki.

How dare you?!

Where do you get the
Gall to come back here

and rend asunder the
bonds of True love?

I'm not gonna stand by and see
you break this poor man's heart!

Do you have any idea of the
implications of what you're saying?

I do.

Wow, I can't believe you'd
do that for me, Dick.

Harry, is this True?
Do you still love me?

Yeah, but you should
go with stone.

I mean, he really loves
you, and, besides,

I don't want anything
bad to happen to Dick.

Harry, I can't believe you'd
do something like that for me.

Oh... I love you, Dick.

I love you, Harry!


Good god, there they go again.


Yes, my love?

My answer is yes.

Oh, that's terrific!

I'll go put the car
seat in the spaceship.


The spaceship. Yes,
I have my own.

I'm the big giant head.

I'm the supreme
Leader of the galaxy.

These are just alien drones.

You... you're all aliens?

You... you really are?

Sorta. Yeah, but we
prefer extraterrestrials.

Do you have alien powers?

Like what?

Like, can you take that
gnome right over there

and make it move to
right over there?



Captioning made possible
by Carsey-Werner company

I.L.C. And the U.S.
Department of education


Well, your highness, are you ready
to ascend your celestial throne?

Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna be
queen of the freakin' universe!

So long, earth!

Well, they do make
a nice couple.

Anybody got wetnaps?

The kid just puked in the
particle accelerator.

Public performance of
captions prohibited without

permission of National
captioning institute