3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode I: The Baby Menace - full transcript

It's a boy! It's a girl! It's an alien? The alien baby!

Previously on 3rd
rock from the sun...

to reevaluate your mission,

the big giant head is
on his way to earth!

Lieutenant, you are
now officially...

the New high commander.

You've reawakened
the woman in me.

I think I might be...



Whoa, look at the time.

I gotta get going.

Come on, Vicki, push.

I... I can't.

Yes, you can. Push!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Maybe it doesn't wanna come out!

Let's not rush things, ok?

Here, let me just slide that

right back in there for ya.

You touch me...

you die!

One more push, Vicki.

Uh! Ah! Push...

here it comes!


There we are!



Uh... uh... I mean,

ah ah...

Please let it be human.

Let it be human.

Sit down.

You can't tell me what to do.

Oh, yes, I can.

The big giant head made
me high commander.

Oh, right. A drunken lout
from a distant galaxy

got an eyeful of your righteous
jugs and promoted you.

You know, that's funny.
As I recall,

he promoted me because your
leadership was a debacle!

Dick: He was totally wasted...

He's our supreme Leader, and...

Hey, hey. We're disturbing
all these people here.

We're only human.

He's my brother. We fight!

I'm all right. I'm all right.

What happened, Harry?

It... came... out!

Is it a purple tube?

Well, it's purple,
and it's slimy,

and it's got a hose.

A hose?! a hose?!

Oh, great. It's a mutant!

All right. We'll kidnap
him and hide him.

When he's a teenager,
we'll set him free.

If he's really messed up, we
can blame it on television.

Ok. Good.

They just brought
him to the nursery.

He is positively glowing!

Oh! Ah...

now he's glowin'.

Let's go see him! He's
got Vicki's eyes!

What's he doing
with Vicki's eyes?

I just hope he's not eating them.
Let's go!

Which one is he?

It must be him. He's hideous.

Hey. That's my daughter.

Oh, I'm...

I'm so sorry.

She's hideous.

Oh, that's him right there!

Oh, my god!

Sally: Look at it.

Tommy: It's so cute!

Vicki's baby is a... baby!

Thank you!

Ah Ha ha!

Cigars All around!

Yeah, that's right. Last name dubcek.
First name Victoria.


Oh, yeah, no, the
baby's right here.

Yeah, his name is Eric Travis.


All right, well, when he
gets back from lunch,

just tell him that I was
implanted by alien seed.


Yeah. And I am now the mother

of a hybrid alien race.

Thanks a lot, hon. Bye-Bye.

Wrong number?

No, Harry, I was trying
to talk to a reporter.

Oh, really?

I think he's gonna
be mighty interested

in my tale of alien conception.

Oh ho. Alien conception.

Ha ha ha!

I'm goin' to the store.
You need anything?

Oh, baby, I would love another
carton of cigarettes.

Sure. Smokin' for two now.

Ok, how does this sound?

"Born to Victoria Marie dubcek,

a healthy, totally human son."

Well, add illegitimate.

I think she'd appreciate that.

That's a nice touch.

Hey, Sally, what's for dinner?
I'm starving.

I don't make dinner. I'm the high
commander. I have bigger fish to fry.

If it's bigger than sea
Bass, I won't eat it.

You guys, I'm not cooking, ok?

I mean, I can't be distracted
by household chores.

I think the high
commander has a point.

Both: Thank you!

Both: You better mean me.

Yeah, of course I meant you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, Harry, where you been?

Oh, at the hospital.

How's Vicki?

Oh, proud.

Proud, Proud, Proud, proud,

Callin' up everybody and telling
'em all about little Eric Travis.

That is nice.


I got an idea!

Just a what if.

You know how we're always saying

that we should tell everybody
that we're aliens?

We never say that.


So if we Bump into,
Oh, I don't know,

say a reporter... and we've
got this cute little baby

with Its proud alien heritage...

I mean, think about it!

Everybody Loves babies nowadays.

I mean, what better time for us to
come clean about who we really are?

Are you insane?

Where did you get
such a stupid idea?

Ha ha. I don't know.

Come in!

Door's open!

Hello. I'm looking for a, uh...

Victoria dubcek?

I'm Ken fretts of
the world globe.

I got a call from
this dubcek lady

about an alien baby?

Family meeting. Family meeting!

We have a problem here.

No, no, no. We're fine.
We all saw it.

It's human. It's not a threat.

Well, maybe it isn't. But Vicki
remembers being in the spaceship!

If he talks to her,
we're screwed!

This guy's no idiot. He
works for the world globe!

These guys don't quit till
they get their story.

Did you see the
pictures of that man

with the 50-pound wart?

I mean, shots like that just
don't fall into your lap!

Uh, look, could you
just give her my card?

Tell her I'll come
back tomorrow.

Ok. Have a nice day.

All right. I've
got a great plan.

Wait. I have a brilliant plan.

We all hide somewhere until
this whole thing blows over.

Damn it! What?

That is a brilliant plan.

Yeah! Dr. Davies told
me about the meeting,

but this is not a good time!

Hold on.

Can you turn that down?!

Don't you have a phone at home?

I'll call you back.

How long are you guys
going to be living here?

Well, why?

You're not thinking about
moving in, are ya?

Why is there laundry
hanging in the hallway?

Because you don't put
rayon in the Dryer.


Hey! I'm naked here!

All right. I'm taking
a personal day.


How did you find us?

I found this note on your door.

"Dear friends, mormons,

"And Jehovah's witnesses.

"We are now living in Huff
hall at Pendleton university.

Please don't tell any
reporters where we are"?

Does anybody have any
info on this dubcek baby?

Anybody seen it?

No. No. No. No.

Is something going
on with the baby?

No, Mary!

It's the...

first baby of the millennium!

And people like to make a fuss.

The millennium's months away.

That's not for you
to decide, Mary.

Look, I just have 1
or 2 questions...

Me, too! Who wants ice cream,

and who wants it now?!

I do! I do!

Ok. This guy is good.

What are we gonna do?

Ok, I have a plan.
No, I have a plan!

Damn it, Sally, I have a plan!

Ok, ok, ok.

Call it in the air.

Quarter. Nickel.

Quarter it is. Dick,
you go first.

Ok, look. He's got no
baby, he's got no story.

We go to the hospital, steal the
baby, and destroy the records.

Sally, your turn?

That... that's what
I was gonna say.

Is this him?

Uh, n-too beefy.

How 'bout this guy?

Uh, yeah.

Little less chinese, maybe.


Mama, what are ya doin'?

He's too hot in that blanket.

He is not!

You sure do know all
there is to know

about raising babies, don't you?

That's him!


Anyone remember Where
these things go?

Well, we know the ugly one
goes in the corner...

Does it really matter? I mean...

they can sort it out
later with the dna.

Sally: I don't know...

Hi, don!

We found some babies!

Don, those babies were
completely disorganized.

Which is why we were
alphabeticizing them.

Yeah. Come on, don.

Look me straight in the eye

and tell me that you would not
have done the same thing!

Well, I... I guess I can see...


Sally, I can only get
you outta so many jams!

Juggling newborns
is against the law!

Are you sure?



So what are you gonna
do, arrest me?

Sally, I did arrest you.





Get outta here!

It's Morley freakin' safer!

So wha... what are
you doing here?

Oh, my car got towed.

I was parked in
an ambulance zone

waiting for that dubcek
lady to check out.

Ah, well. Good luck.

Say, you're not trying to
hide her from me, are you?

We're not gonna tell you
anything about Vicki dubcek.

Who's Vicki dubcek? Vicki who?

What? Who said that?

I dunno. Wait! Shh! What?

I think it's coming
from outside.

Let's check it out!

Could I... All: Shh!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Run! Run! Run! Run!

A military unit can only succeed

if it follows a single Leader.

It has... until now

been my privilege
to be that Leader.

But today, Sally,
I pass that baton

to you.

You mean the baton

I've had for 3 days?

Yes, that baton.

Ok, then.

I cannot be both security
Officer and high commander.

Therefore, the job of security
officer falls to you, Dick.

Security officer?
That's a girly job!

That's an order!


All right!

I have a new plan!

We just stay calm...

and we disassociate
ourselves from Vicki.

Got it. Stay away from Vicki.

No Vicki. No Vicki.

No Vicki. No Vicki.

No-o-o Vicki.

No Vicki.


Hello, Vicki.



Eh... oh!

What are you doing here?

Well, since my mother
insists on telling me

how to raise my own baby,

I've just decided to
move in with y'all.

Vicki, this is our home.

True, we rent from your slattern
mother, the town siphon,

but that does not entitle you
to impose yourself on...

We'll be leaving now!

Look, Vicki, I-if it's just...

It's not a really good...

ah! That's how they work!

Yeah, you know, breast feeding

is the most beautiful, natural
thing a woman can do.

I guess you wouldn't
know that, would you?

You bein' childless.

I had the opportunity.

I just chose to put
my career first, Ok?

Look, Vicki, this is just not a good
time for us to have house guests.

Honey, I'm not gonna
be here that long.

I've gotta hang around
long enough to talk

to this reporter
associate of Mine,

then I'll probably do the
talk show circuit...

just me and Eric Travis...

My little e.T.

Ok. Ahem! A little
adjust to our plans.

It looks like we're
stuck with Vicki,

So, Dick, you're gonna have
to take out the reporter.

Ok. Dinner and a movie,
but I won't kiss him.

I meant kill him.

Kill him? Wha...

I can't do that! It's wrong!

It's the only way.
He could expose us.

I'm sorry, but that's just
lazy high commandering.

Do it! That's an order!

Oh, all right.

Orders are orders.

Yeah, I'll kill him.

I'll kill him good!

Can't I just give him my patented glare?
It's really scary.

Kill him.

Yeah. Right.

Thank you for, uh,

coming by.


you've got the inside story

on this dubcek baby?

Oh, we'll have plenty
of time for that.

But first...

I thought you might
join me in a, uh...

a glass of Brandy.

No, thanks. I'm driving.

Oh, this is special
driving Brandy.

Just try a sip.

You look thirsty. Why
don't you drink both?

No, thanks!


tell me how you got
started in journalism.

Oh, I was working as a free-Lance
photographer in Phoenix.

Just so happened a
movie was being shot.

It was one of the Baldwin brothers.
It was... what's that?

This is a, uh... a poker.

There's a fireplace
in this office,

and this poker is proof.

Your story fascinates me.

Which Baldwin brother was it?

I dunno. It wasn't
the famous one,

the one who married the blonde.

Not the one who hit the
photographer, thank god.

But I got a picture of him.

Sold it to one of those
slick magazines...

What the hell are you doing?!

Ok, scoop! I'm gonna
level with you.

You've gotta leave town. What?!

Look, there's no time for games.

Here is...$32

and a chicken delicious coupon.

Don't look back.

Well, I did it.

I have a man's head
in this box...

which I will now go
feed to the fishes.

Good work.

Let's... have a look at it.

Very well.

But I must warn you...

it's not pretty.

Ooh! Eeh! Eew!

Oh, I gave it to him.

I gave it to him good, I did.

I'm proud of you, Dick. I
didn't think you had it in ya.

Yeah, well...

killers kill.

Ok, where's the dubcek kid?

Oh, my god!

Then whose head is in that box?!

This is a wig on a cake.

Well, it was going
to be a surprise,

but... happy birthday, Sally!

I'll get some plates and a comb!

Don't let him leave.

You disobeyed orders, mister!

I couldn't do it!

Fine. I'll kill him myself.

You can't kill him. You're
the high commander.


High commanders are
forbidden to kill.

They're considered
upper management.

Fine. I hereby make
myself security officer.

So you're security officer...
and high commander?

Ok. You're high commander.
I'm gonna go kill that guy.

Got it. Oh, and by the way, my
first order as high commander is

that you shall not
kill that reporter.

No. Then I make myself
high Commander again...

Uh, uh, uh. Can't do
that, lieutenant.


You had this planned all along!

That's why I'm high commander.

And, no, I didn't! It
just kind of happened!

Guys! Vicki's here. She's
talking to the reporter!

This is it?

This is the alien baby?


You didn't even give him
little pointy ears?

Paint him green,
slap a tail on him?

I don't understand
what you're talking...

Do you even read our newspaper?

I... I most certainly do!

And my story is...

Oh, I know your story.

You met a guy. You were beamed up.
You got probed.

Oh... and don't tell me.
There was alcohol involved.

All right.

Who told him my story?

Tch! Everybody in the
world's told me that story.

Listen. Your baby's not special.

Oh. I see.

I think that you're gonna be...

singing a different tune
when he becomes your...

supreme overlord.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry. I just didn't think
it was a very good story.

You're right.

We tried tellin' her.

I, for one, am shocked...

That a paper of such high
journalistic standards,

a paper that had the cojones...

to tell the world about
cocoa, the rhyming bison...

can't see a great story when
it's right under your noses!

All: Dick!

On the other hand,
perhaps you know best.

Did cocoa get that scholarship?

Oh, Vicki, I wish you
didn't have to leave.

Oh, Harry...

I cannot stay in this place.

I must leave here.

You see, my star child and
I are drawn to a place

of comfort and
Spiritual balance...

a place where we can live out our...
celestial destiny.

And where's that, Vicki?


Captioning made possible by
Carsey-Warner company l.L.C.

And the U.S.

Harry, I'm gonna miss you, too.

But I'll be back.

I promise.


Yes, Harry?

You forgot your baby.

Oh, boy. Ha ha. Sure did. Ha ha.

Sorry 'bout that. Ok.

It's amazing.

After all these years,

we've actually played a part

in bringing a new life
onto this planet.

So we're kind of like
the aunts and uncles.

Mmm. That means we'll be seeing
each other around the holidays.


This kid is gonna have so
much that we never had.

He'll actually grow up here.

He won't make all the
mistakes we made.

We didn't make a
lot of mistakes.

What are you talking about?

Do you remember the time that we
thought the phone was a fire alarm

and any time someone called, we'd
run outside in our underpants?

Or what about the time we tried
to bust open the television set

because we wanted to
meet the jeffersons?

Yeah, Yeah, yeah!

But Dick stopped us

'cause he didn't want the
flintstones to escape!

Our modern World would
have terrified them.

They had cars. They
were very evolved.