3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 6 - I Am Dick Pentameter! - full transcript

Dick is fascinated by Jennifer, his new office mate, and suggests to Mary they should see other people. To his surprise, she agrees.

DR. RAVELLI.

DR. SOLOMON.

NO, NO. BEFORE YOU SPEAK,

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED YOU TO KNOW.

"WE'VE ONLY BEEN
SHARING THIS OFFICE 3 DAYS,

"AND ALREADY I HAVE CONCERNS.

"WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN US LAST NIGHT,

"AND BY THAT, I MEAN THE KISS,

WAS, IN HINDSIGHT,
IMPETUOUS, RASH..."

AND PERFECT.

OH, THANK GOD. I
THOUGHT SO, TOO.



NOW I WON'T HAVE TO
READ THE REST OF THIS CRAP.

NOW HOLD STILL.

OH, I CAN'T HOLD STILL.

YOU'VE GOT TO HOLD STILL.

I CAN'T. I'M SO EXCITED TO
BE GOING OUT WITH JENNIFER.

SHE'S GOT ME ALL TANGLED UP

IN ONE BIG, DOUGHY LOVE PRETZEL.

DICK... SIT DOWN.

I'D FORGOTTEN WHAT
NEW LOVE FELT LIKE.

SO IT'S LOVE, HUH?

OH, YES. SHE'S
BRILLIANT, SHE'S KIND,

SHE HAS THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL GIGGLE.

MARY NEVER GIGGLES.

RIGHT. SO WAS THE
BREAKUP WITH MARY MESSY?



NO, NOT AT ALL. I
HAVEN'T DONE IT.

YOU HAVEN'T?

OH, NO. WHO NEEDS ALL
THAT UNPLEASANTNESS?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

DICK, 2 LADIES. THAT COULD
BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AS A MAN WITH AN
ACTIVE FANTASY LIFE,

I CAN RESPECT WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH, BUT IT CAN'T WORK.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO RIGHT BY MARY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY
RIGHT. I'VE GOT IT!

I'LL PICK UP JENNIFER, THEN I'LL SWING
BY THE OFFICE TO BREAK UP WITH MARY,

BUT I WON'T KISS JENNIFER
UNTIL AFTERWARDS.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING LIKE A MAN.

I LOOK ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS

AND THE NATIONAL
BROADCASTING COMPANY

HERE WE ARE.

NOW, I JUST HAVE TO RUN UP TO
THE OFFICE FOR A LITTLE ERRAND.

OK.

YOU STAY IN THE CAR,
AND I'LL TRY TO BE QUICK.

FEAR NOT. I'LL BE FINE,
MY DEAR DARLING DICK.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S
THAT YOU DID THERE?

A PLAYFUL HOMAGE TO
MY GOOD FRIEND MOLläRE.

OH, I GET IT. YOU'RE RHYMING.

AND YOU DO IT WITH FLAIR.

SCIENTIST AND POET.

HOW EXTRAORDINAIRE!

OK, OK. NO RHYMING
TILL I GET BACK.

NINA, COULD YOU
LEAVE FOR A MINUTE?

NO.

MARY, WE HAVE TO TALK.

OK.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME OUT

BEFORE YOU START YELLING
AT ME OR THROWING THINGS.

I'M LISTENING.

MARY, I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO MY GOOD FRIEND DON,

AND WE THINK THAT IT'S TIME

THAT YOU AND I STARTED
SEEING OTHER PEOPLE.

WHAT?

WHAT WITH YOUR BUSY
SCHEDULE THESE DAYS,

WE BARELY GET TO SEE
EACH OTHER, ANYWAY.

AH, HERE IT IS.

MY CAREER IS GETTING IN THE
WAY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AGAIN.

OK, FINE, DICK. GO AHEAD.

WELL...

WELL, THAT WAS
EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

I MEAN, WHO AM I TO
STAND IN YOUR WAY?

GO OUT INTO YOUR
WORLD OF OPTIONS.

HAPPY SHOPPING.

DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU KNOW, IF
YOU TAKE THE LEASH OFF A DOG,

IT WILL GO IN THE
NEIGHBORS' YARD.

NINA...

ALL RIGHT, DONE IN HERE.

HEY, HARRY, I'M DONE.

YOU CAN BRING THE
CHAIR BACK IN NOW.

HARRY? I'M DONE. YOU CAN
BRING THE CHAIR BACK IN.

I COULD.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M SAYING THAT I THINK THAT THIS
CHAIR SHOULD STAY IN THE KITCHEN.

HARRY, THAT'S A
LIVING ROOM CHAIR.

IT'S JUST A LIVING ROOM CHAIR

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TOLD
IT'S A LIVING ROOM CHAIR.

WAIT UNTIL DICK HEARS
HOW YOU'VE BEEN TALKING.

JUST TRY THE CHAIR.

THIS IS WEIRD.

BIG, FLUFFY CHAIR
IN THE KITCHEN.

AM I RIGHT?

THIS CHAIR BELONGS HERE!

THIS IS MADNESS!

IS IT?

MY GOD.

FEELS LIKE MY EYES HAVE
BEEN BLOWN WIDE OPEN.

IT'S LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN
THE KITCHEN BEFORE.

I MEAN, NEVER TRULY SEEN IT.

WHY SHOULD WE ACCEPT
THE NORMS OF DECORATING?

WHY SHOULD WE BE BOUND BY
SOCIETY'S DRACONIAN CONSTRICTIONS?

WHY CAN'T I SIT IN
A BIG, FLUFFY CHAIR

WHILE I SCRAMBLE SOME EGGS?

YOU CAN.

AND WHY CAN'T THE TOASTER
BE IN THE LIVING ROOM

SO I CAN MAKE TOAST
WHILE WATCHING TELEVISION?

OH, WE CAN HAVE
ALL OF THESE THINGS.

OUR HORIZONS ARE UNLIMITED.

I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

OH, ME, TOO, HARRY. ME, TOO.

OH, DICK, YOU'LL
LOVE THIS PLACE.

TOFU DOG?

WHEATGRASS SOUP?

CELERY HAM?

THIS IS VERY FUNNY.

NOW, UH, WHERE'S THE REAL MENU?

DICK, THIS IS A
LACTO-OVO-VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT.

I HAVE A LOT OF ALLERGIES.

ARE THEY BAD?

WELL, IF I EAT A PEANUT OR
A NUT, MY FACE SWELLS UP,

AND MY BODY EXPLODES IN HIVES.

OH, THAT IS SO CUTE.

HERE'S AN ODD BIT
OF TRIVIA FOR YOU.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

THAT A PEANUT IS
NOT ACTUALLY A NUT.

IT'S A LEGUME.

OH. AND A LOT OF
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

THAT A WALNUT IS NOT
ACTUALLY A PEANUT.

IT IS A WALNUT.

YOU NUT.

YOU KNOW, YOU REMIND ME OF MY
GOOD FRIEND GEOFFREY CHAUCER.

IS HE GAY? BECAUSE IF HE ISN'T,

I DON'T WANT YOU
HANGING OUT WITH HIM.

FEAR NOT, MY DEAR DICK.
YOU'VE NO COMPETITION.

OH, HOW I CRAVE
YOU, MY ACADEMICIAN.

WHAT SAY WE SKIP DINNER
AND RUSH TO DESSERT?

LISTEN TO YOU, YOU
IMPETUOUS FLIRT.

HOW DID WE LIVE BEFORE THIS?

IT'S TOUGH TO THINK THAT IN THOUSANDS
OF YEARS OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION,

NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF THIS.

IT JUST TOOK FRESH
EYES TO SEE IT.

YOU... AW...

I'LL GO GET 'EM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO THINK
WE'LL BE LEAVIN' THIS PLANET

JUST A LITTLE BETTER
THAN WHEN WE FOUND IT.

YEAH.

GUYS, DICK'S HOME.

OH, GOSH, HE'S
GONNA BE SO EXCITED.

DICK...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK I FOUND MY SOUL MATE.

NO. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

THIS? OH, THIS IS STUPID.

BLASPHEMER!

NO, NO!

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

WE'RE SO CUTTING-EDGE,

IT JUST CONFUSES HIM.

PEOPLE HAVE TO
BE EASED INTO THIS.

CUTTING EDGE? YOU JUST MOVED
THE KITCHEN INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

WE HAVEN'T MADE ANY
IMPROVEMENTS AT ALL.

THIS IS JUST 2
LESS-GOOD VERSIONS

OF THE SAME OLD ROOM.

OH, GOD, WE'RE IDIOTS.
LET'S MOVE IT ALL BACK.

NOT SO FAST.

WHAT IF THERE WAS A ROOM

THAT COMBINED THE COMFORT
AND LEISURE OF THE LIVING ROOM

WITH THE FOOD-MAKING
CAPABILITIES...

OF THE KITCHEN?

EVEN I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THAT XANADU.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

THAT'S A ROOM I'D LIKE
TO HEAR MORE ABOUT.

DR. RAVELLI.

DR. SOLOMON.

A BEAUTIFUL DAY
TODAY, IS IT NOT?

I HAD A NICE WALK
FROM THE PARKING LOT.

I NOTICED YOU HAD
A NICE SHADY SPOT.

IT'S A HANDICAPPED SPACE.

I HOPE I'M NOT CAUGHT.

I'M FEELING A FEELING
I THOUGHT I'D FORGOT.

IS IT ME,

OR IS THIS ROOM INCREDIBLY HOT?

Nina: AHEM.

METHINKS WE'D BEST
GET BACK TO WORK.

YOUTHINKS? MMM,
THAT'S VERY STREET.

STREET? CIRCA 1638.

THAT'S SO FUNNY.

I'M GONNA GO WRITE IT DOWN.

GOSH, SHE'S ANNOYING.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
YOU BARELY KNOW HER.

DO YOU?

I DON'T NEED TO
KNOW HER. I LOVE HER.

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

OH, YES.

MY EARS ARE BURNING.

LET ME PUT THEM
OUT WITH MY TONGUE.

DICK, I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD... OH, EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME!

DICK, WHAT'S GOING ON?

MARY, WHAT'S THE BIG HUMPTY-DOO?

YOU AND I AGREED
TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D...

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.

I MUST SAY, THIS IS AWKWARD.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU
TWO HAD A HISTORY.

WELL, WE DID!

WHAT SAY I TAKE A WALK?

DICK, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'D DO THIS.

DO WHAT? FIND SOMEBODY WHO HAS
TIME FOR ME? WHO'S DEVOTED TO ME?

BIRDS GOTTA FLY, MARY.

FISH GOTTA SWIM.

CAMEL'S GOTTA CARRY WATER
OVER LONG EXPANSES OF DESERT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL, TELL ME THIS.

WHAT DOES A RAT DO?

BECAUSE I'M LOOKING
AT ONE RIGHT NOW.

WHERE? AAH! AAH!

OH, YOU MEAN ME.

SO THIS IS IT?

THE END OF US?

ARE YOU HAPPY, DICK?

I AM.

OHH!

WELL, YOU ASKED!

IF I'D KNOWN THAT YOU
AND MARY WERE AN ITEM...

WERE AN ITEM.

PAST TENSE. IT'S OVER.

MARY AND I HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.

ACTUALLY, WE HAD...
WOW, 2 YEARS TOGETHER.

AND WHEN DID YOU
KNOW IT WAS OVER?

TUESDAY, AROUND LUNCHTIME.

WELL, 2 YEARS IS PRETTY GOOD.

MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP
WAS A MONTH AND A HALF.

A MONTH AND A HALF?

WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT LONG.

I'LL HAVE THE JOY OF SOY.

DEUX.

YOU REALLY LOVE THAT JOY OF SOY.

IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY
PROTEIN SOURCES I'M ALLOWED.

OH. EVER?

UH... KINDA.

I'M ALLERGIC TO
NUTS AND PEANUTS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT
A PEANUT IS NOT ACTUALLY A NUT...

IT'S A LEGUME. IT'S A LEGUME.

YES, YOU MENTIONED THAT BEFORE.

OH, DICK, PRAY TELL,
HAVE I BECOME A BORE?

I FIND YOU DELIGHTFUL.
NOW PLEASE TELL ME MORE.

OOH, OHH, THIS SMELLS...

MMM. THIS SMELLS...

THIS HAS NO SMELL.

NO.

IT'S SO GOOD FOR YOU.

SO, JENNIFER,

TELL ME A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT... YOU.

WELL, I LOVE TO READ BOOKS. I
COULD READ MOLläRE ALL DAY.

YES, I KNOW THAT.
BUT BEYOND THAT.

TELL ME ALL ABOUT
JENNIFER RAVELLI.

I HAD A BIRD ONCE.

A BIRD. OH, GOOD.

YES, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BIRD.

HIS NAME WAS MOLläRE.

YOU HAVE A LITTLE
TOFU ON YOUR LIP.

THIS SMOOTHIE IS
DELICIOUS. PLEASE, HAVE A SIP.

AHH. THANK YOU, BUT NO.

JUST, PLEASE, GO LIKE THIS.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
HOW ABOUT WE KISS?

OK, TIME-OUT. YOU'RE
MISSING MY POINT.

FINISH YOUR FOOD, AND
WE'LL BLOW THIS JOINT.

JUST LISTEN TO ME! YOU
HAVE TOFU ON YOUR LIP.

IT'S BEEN THERE FOR WHAT
SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY.

NOW PLEASE JUST FLICK
IT THE HELL OFF YOUR FACE!

THANK YOU. THAT'S BETTER.
NOW WE CAN EMBRACE.

I LIKE "LIVING KITCHEN."

I PREFER "KITCHEN ROOM."

KLIVINGTCHEN.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL
CALL IT IN GERMANY.

MAYBE WE DON'T
EVEN NEED TO NAME IT.

LOOK, EITHER WE NAME
IT, OR THE MEDIA WILL.

THEN IT'S SETTLED.

KLIVINGTCHEN.

KLIVINGTCHEN.

HELLO, DICK. DO YOU LIKE?

OH, WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

NO BARRIERS. NO DISTANCE.

IT'S KIND OF CLOSE.

WE'LL BE LIKE... LIKE SIAMESE
TWINS CONNECTED AT THE HEAD.

OR WE COULD JUST
MOVE THE DESKS BACK.

I COULD LOOK AT
YOU ALL DAY LONG.

I CAN SEE EVERY SINGLE
PORE ON YOUR FACE.

YOU NUT.

OH, DICK, THIS BIT OF
TARTUFFE IS SIMPLY DELICIOUS.

LET ME READ IT TO YOU.

UH, NO, THANKS. I'M GOOD.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

YEP!

OH, MARY.

HELLO, DICK.

HELLO.

HEY, DR. ALBRIGHT.
HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M BUSY.

OH, OK.

'CAUSE I'M THE DEAN.

I'M WORKING. I WORK.

TO THE EXCLUSION OF
EVERYTHING ELSE, I WORK.

ARE YOU OK?

I'M THRILLED. I'M AT MY JOB.

NO TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

I'M THE BIG DEAN. CAREER LADY.

COME ON. THAT DOESN'T GIVE
HIM THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT HE DID.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

HE'S AN IMMATURE,
LOATHSOME, STUPID MAN!

OH, GOD, I MISS HIM.

COME ON, LET'S GO OUT,
GET DRUNK, MAKE FUN OF HIM!

I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING OUT.

OK.

SIT DOWN.

DUCK.

HEY, HARRY, WE'RE READY
FOR THAT FRIED CHICKEN.

INCOMING!

Tommy: DUCK!

YOU KNOW, MARY USED TO
MAKE EXCELLENT FRIED CHICKEN.

YEAH, WHATEVER. DUCK!

OH, MY GOD, YOU
GUYS. IT'S SHA NA NA.

OH, THAT BOWSER'S A STITCH.

HARRY, GET BACK TO WORK!

INCOMING!

Jennifer: HELLO!

OH, SHE'S HERE.

C'EST MOI.

JENNIFER, THIS IS HARRY, TOMMY,

DON AND SALLY.

WHY, THERE'S SO
MANY, I'LL KEEP A TALLY.

OH, YOU BROUGHT WINE.

A SMALL TOKEN. THE
PLEASURE'S ALL MINE.

NICE GIFT. GREAT RHYME.

I LOVE THIS ROOM.

YOU LIKE THE KLIVINGTCHEN?

KLIVINGTCHEN?

LIVING KITCHEN.

I THINK IT'S BITCHIN'.

AND YOU'RE SUBVERTING SPACE.

OH, YOU NOTICED. DUCK!

METHINKS YOU'VE DONE
SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL HERE.

WELL, METHINKS YOU'RE NOT
SO BAD YOURSELF. INCOMING!

ONE THING THAT I
CAN OBVIOUSLY SEE

IS YOU'VE BEEN SAYING
NICE THINGS ABOUT ME.

YES. YES, I SUPPOSE I HAVE.

OH, HEY, JENNIFER,
YOU LIKE FRIED CHICKEN?

OOH, I CAN'T EAT CHICKEN.

Tommy: DUCK!

NOR DUCK.

BUT I DID BRING ALONG SOME BOK
CHOY. COULD YOU TOSS THAT IN?

BOK CHOY. SURE.

THAT'S NOT PEANUT OIL, IS IT?

OH, NO, HON. IT'S LARD.

GOOD. BECAUSE I AM ALLERGIC

TO PEANUTS AND NUTS.

YOU NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
THAT A PEANUT ISN'T ACTUALLY A NUT.

NO?

WHAT IS IT, THEN?

A LEGUME.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

WE'LL HAVE TO DISCUSS
THIS OVER DINNER.

WITH FOOD THIS GOOD,

I WON'T GET MUCH THINNER.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RHYME
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

WHO'S READY FOR FRIED
CHICKEN AND GRAPES?

AND REMEMBER... DON'T WIPE
YOUR HANDS ON THE DRAPES.

YES! HA HA HA.

INSTEAD OF US RHYMING,
LET'S TRY SOME FREE VERSE.

TO ME, THAT'S A GAME
WHICH IS MUCH MORE WORSE.

ENCORE!

ENCORE!

CONGRATULATIONS, DICK.

YOU GOT YOURSELF
A HELL OF A RHYMER.

OHH...

I'VE TRIED TO RHYME, YOU KNOW.

THERE WAS A DOG
WHO SAT ON A LOG.

HIS NAME WAS... ROG?

THAT SORT OF THING.

HOLD ON TO HER, DICK.
SHE'S ONE OF A KIND.

SO YOU LIKE THE RHYMING,
EH? YOU LIKE THE RHYMING?

YEAH.

AND WHAT IF THE RHYMING
WERE NEVER TO STOP?

ON, ON, AND ON TILL
YOUR HEAD DOTH POP.

OH, LOOK! A BOOK! A
BOOK ON SCHNOOK!

WHAT KIND OF CROOK TOOK
MY SCHNOOK NOOK BOOK?

PERCHANCE, METHINKS,
THEE, HITHER, YON, THOU.

I'M THINK I'M GONNA
HAVE A FREAKIN' COW!

YOU SURE SEEM TO HATE
HER. SOUNDS REALLY TOUGH.

HATE'S A STRONG WORD,
DON, BUT NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

I GET YOUR POINT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I FELL FOR JENNIFER THE
SAME WAY I FELL FOR MARY.

HOW COULD IT HAVE
GONE AWAY SO FAST?

IT WAS A CRUSH. THE HOTS.

YOU WERE JONESIN'.

IT WAS JUST AN INFATUATION.

IT FELT JUST LIKE
THE REAL THING.

AND NOW I'VE TOSSED MARY ASIDE.

SHE'LL NEVER TAKE ME BACK.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, DICK.

SHE CAN BE PRETTY FORGIVING.

YOU THINK SO?

Mary: DICK SOLOMON,
SHOW YOUR STINKIN' FACE!

THERE'S YOUR OPENING.

MARY! YOU'RE HERE!

YES, I'M HERE.

JUST LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU

WHAT AN ASS YOU ARE.

THERE. I THINK I'M DONE.

NO, NO, MARY. WAIT.

I'VE BEEN DOING
A LOT OF THINKING.

I'VE BEEN DOING A
LOT OF THINKING, TOO.

ABOUT WHAT AN ASS YOU ARE!

I WORK LATE A COUPLE OF NIGHTS,

AND YOU SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO CHASE THE FIRST
SKIRT THAT COMES ALONG.

OH, NO. BUT, MARY,
I'VE BEEN THINKING...

OH, DON'T TALK TO ME AGAIN.

EVER, EVER, NEVER EVER.

THAT'S NOT A VERY GOOD RHYME.

Mary: ASS!

Tommy: SO, JENNIFER, TELL US AGAIN
ABOUT THAT WHOLE PEANUT THING.

SURE, TOMMY.

Harry: YEAH, AND MAKE IT RHYME.

SURE. THE PEANUT, YOU
SEE, MAY LOOK LIKE A NUT...

Officer Don: BUT IT'S REALLY A
LEGUME... JUST ASK KING NUT!

I DID IT!

THE KLIVINGTCHEN WAS THE
STUPIDEST IDEA WE EVER HAD.

YEP, I KNOW. WHAT
WERE WE THINKING?

NOW, THIS... THIS
MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY.

INCOMING!

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER

PRODUCTIONS AND THE
NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE