3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 4 - Collect Call for Dick - full transcript

Starting as a promotional giveaway at Rusty's Burgers, Dick becomes addicted to collecting Fuzzy Buddies dolls at all cost. Tommy is forced by the basketball coach to show pep by dressing up as Hootie the mascot.

WHY IS RUSTY'S SO CROWDED TODAY?

MAYBE IT'S THE
HUGE MOB OF PEOPLE.

I THINK IT'S THESE
RUSTY FUN LUNCHES.

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.

IT'S A CLEVER DESIGN.

YOU KNOW, THE BOX
SOAKS UP THE GRISTLE.

OH...

I'M SORRY.

PROBABLY THE
SECRET RUSTY'S SAUCE.

THAT'S JUST KETCHUP.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH



FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, TOMMY.

MY BURGER IS INFESTED WITH PIGS.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?

THEY'RE FUZZY BUDDIES.

THEY'RE PROMOTIONAL
GIVEAWAYS. SEE?

"COLLECT THEM ALL."

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW. THAT
WAY YOU HAVE THEM ALL.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D PUT
SOMETHING USEFUL IN A FUN LUNCH.

LIKE A NICE PAIR OF SLACKS.

OR A FEDORA.

FEDORAS ARE BACK.

WHEN WERE THEY OUT?

NEVER, TO MY MIND.



YEAH. FEDORAS ARE
PERENNIAL CLASSICS.

THEY'RE MY FAVORITE HAT.

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GO RUTHERFORD!

LET'S HEAR THAT SPIRIT!

GO RUTHERFORD!

HEY! SOLOMON!

THAT'S THE SECOND
TIME THAT WAVE WENT BY

AND YOU DIDN'T GET UP.

UH, YEAH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I JUST HAVEN'T LEARNED

HOW TO TIME THESE THINGS YET.

GIVE ME THIS BOOK.

THAT'S NOT WHAT SCHOOL'S ABOUT.

YOU'RE AT THIS RALLY

TO GENERATE A LITTLE
PEP FOR THE TEAM.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT, SIR,

SEE, I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY PEP.

BUT I'M REALLY OK
WITH THAT, YOU KNOW?

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

JUST BECAUSE YOU
GOT YOUR HAIR CUT

DOESN'T MEAN I'M
NOT WATCHING YOU.

NOW LET'S HEAR A LITTLE PEP!

HELP ME OUT HERE.

IN THIS LITTLE
SCENARIO OF YOURS,

MY PEP COULD BE
THE DECISIVE PEP?

SOLOMON, IF THIS
TEAM IS GONNA WIN,

WE NEED EVERYBODY
HERE BEHIND US.

THE TEAM'S 1 AND 11, SIR.

A PEP IS NICE, BUT
A GOOD REBOUNDER,

NOW THAT WOULD BE SWEET.

SEXY!

DR. SOLOMON, IF...

OH, MY GOD! YOU'VE
GOT A JIGGLY PIG!

I DO NOT!

I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL
OVER FOR ONE OF THESE.

I'M SO JEALOUS. YOU HAVE? WHY?

I COLLECT THEM. I'VE GOT,
LIKE, 2 DRAWERS FULL OF THEM.

WELL, I'VE GOT 2 DRAWERS
FULL OF UNDERWEAR,

BUT I DON'T GO AROUND
BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

YES, YOU DO.

OH, MARY, GET A LOAD OF THIS.

NINA COLLECTS THOSE
FUZZY BUDDY THINGS.

HA HA HA HA HA!

NOT YOU, TOO.

WELL, YOU COLLECT THIMBLES.

MARY, YOU DON'T!

ANTIQUE THIMBLES!

Both: HA HA HA HA!

YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS.

IN A GOOD WAY.

NICE SAVE.

WELL, IF YOU THINK
THEY'RE SO STUPID,

I COULD TAKE THAT JIGGLY PIG

OFF YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW.

BE MY GUEST.

OH, AND IN THAT CASE,

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
HAPPY SECRETARY'S DAY.

THANK YOU.

48...

49...

50.

SO, SOLOMON...

YOU FEEL ANY DIFFERENT NOW?

LOTS DIFFERENT, I HAVE TO ADMIT.

I WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT
YOU WERE DOING AT FIRST,

BUT AFTER 50
PUSH-UPS, I'M BRIMMING.

BRIMMING WITH SCHOOL PRIDE.

IS THAT FAKE PEP?

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

YOU JUST BOUGHT
YOURSELF ANOTHER 50.

I WAS JUST KIDDING.

60! I'M REALLY SORRY.

70!

EXCUSE ME, MISS.
CAN YOU HELP ME?

OH, I'M SORRY. I
DON'T WORK HERE.

OH, NO. THAT'S OK.

THAT MAKES YOU SMELL
A LITTLE CHEAP, SWEETIE.

HEY, THEY'VE GOT FUZZY
BUDDIES HERE, TOO.

LOIS, HE OPENED IT.

CAN I AT LEAST GET
THEM OUT OF THE BOX?

PLEASE?

WHAT'S THE BIG WHOOP?

OH, THERE'S SOME SNOW LEOPARD

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND.

EVERY TUESDAY A NEW BOX
COMES IN AND THE HUNT BEGINS.

THE HUNT?

GET BACK!

AAH!

AAH!

B-6.

LOOK! WHAT?

FRUIT FLIES. WHERE?

MISS. WHAT?

YOU LOSE. OOH!

HELLO, TOMMY! YOU WANT WINNERS?

NO, I CAN'T. I HAVE
TO GO TO SCHOOL

AND WASH JOCK STRAPS.

OH, AND, UH,

MY PRINCIPAL WANTS
TO SEE US TOMORROW.

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN WASHING
JOCK STRAPS ON SCHOOL PROPERTY?

NO, IT'S BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PEP.

DID YOU TRY FAKING IT?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

DICK!

SALLY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN HUNTING.

LOOK!

FUZZY BUDDIES?

YEAH.

IT TOOK ME 5 HOURS, 6 STORES,

AND A COUPLE OF MIGHTY
FINE KICK BOXING MOVES.

OOH. PUFFY THE LAMB. BAH.

HEY! DON'T TOUCH
THAT! IT'S VALUABLE!

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE
OF THOSE JIGGLY PIGS, WOULD YOU?

THOSE ARE REALLY
HARD TO COME BY.

GOOD THING YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE.

NO.

NO, I GAVE IT TO NINA.

AND I SORT OF MISS IT.

YOU JUST GAVE IT AWAY, DICK?

THOSE JIGGLY PIGS ARE
WORTH, LIKE, 40 BUCKS,

IF YOU CAN EVEN FIND 'EM.

THEY'RE THAT HARD TO GET?

YEAH. LOOK!

WELL, WAIT. WE STILL
GOT ALL THESE. LOOK!

A FROG, A COW, A TIGER!

BUT WE COULD HAVE HAD
THE PIG, AND WE DON'T.

NOW IT'S A COLLECTION
WITHOUT A PIG,

AND IT NEED NOT HAVE BEEN!

WHO'S FAULT IS THAT, BONEHEAD?

NOW NINA'S LAUGHING
ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.

OH, MY GOD. LOOK HOW
MANY THERE ARE OUT THERE.

SOME OF THEM ARE
REALLY VALUABLE.

WE NAIL THE RIGHT ONE,
WE CAN MAKE A FORTUNE.

WHOA, THEY ONLY MADE 200
OF THESE CUTE LITTLE TURTLES

WITH THE SANTA HATS.

I WILL HAVE YOU,
CHRISTMAS TURTLE.

I NEED MORE OF THESE!

WE ALREADY GOT, LIKE, A DOZEN!

THERE'S 119 THAT WE DON'T HAVE.

HEY, THERE'S A 24-HOUR
DRUG STORE IN PARMA HEIGHTS.

WANT TO GO?

LET'S RIDE!

DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT TOUCHING THOSE.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT.

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!

HEY, DICK, WHAT'S WITH
ALL THE RUSTY BURGERS?

AH, WELL, I'M JUST...

PREPARING BOX LUNCHES
FOR THE HOMELESS.

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING
ALL THE FOOD IN THE TRASH?

IT MAKES THEM MORE COMFORTABLE.

MARY, YOU CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE.

GOOD MORNING.

OH, UH, NINA.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
PIG THAT I LET YOU BORROW?

BORROW? NO, YOU
GAVE ME THAT JIGGLY PIG.

THAT'S THE ONE. I NEED IT BACK.

BUT I LIKE IT. I'LL
GIVE YOU $20 FOR IT.

BUT IT WAS A GIFT 30.

$30 FOR THAT? OK, 50.

BUT THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

$50? OK, IT'S IN MY DESK.

75! SOLD!

FINE. $100!

WHOO-HOO!

VERY SMOOTH, DICK.

THANK YOU, MARY.

WANT TO BUY A THIMBLE?

TOMMY, MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT INTO SPORTS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NEITHER AM I.

ACTUALLY, ONE OF MY LEGS

IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER.

BUT SPIRIT ISN'T ABOUT SPORTS.

IT'S ABOUT LIFE, OK?

EXCUSE ME. ABOUT
WHAT YOU JUST SAID...

CAN I SEE YOUR LEGS?

TOMMY, I HAVE AN IDEA

THAT I'M ACTUALLY
PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT.

WOULD THAT BE
CORRECTIVE SLIPPERS?

DOESN'T IT SEEM A
LITTLE WEIRD TO YOU

TO FORCE SOMEONE TO BE
EXCITED AGAINST THEIR WILL?

ALL THE OTHER
STUDENTS ARE EXCITED.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT.

WHERE DO YOU FIND YOUR PANTS?

IS THERE A SPECIAL STORE?

NO! NO, THERE'S NOT.

DR. SOLOMON...

WE CONFISCATED THIS BOOK...

FROM TOMMY...

AT A PEP RALLY.

NOW, WITH MY IDEA IN PLACE,

TOMMY WOULD SPEND
HIS AFTER-SCHOOL HOURS

WORKING CLOSELY
WITH THE PEP SQUAD.

AND I THINK THAT HE'LL
FIND THAT SCHOOL SPIRIT

CAN BE BIG BOOST
TO HIS SELF-ESTEEM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, DR. SOLOMON?

HUH? WHAT?

DO YOU AGREE?

UH, UH, YES. ABSOLUTELY.

WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!

YOU WILL DO WHATEVER HE
SAYS, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!

BECAUSE NO SON OF
MINE WILL UNDERMINE

THE AUTHORITY OF THIS
HALLOWED INSTITUTION

BY READING LURID TRASH
LIKE ADVANCED CALCULUS...

WITH THIS OBSCENELY
OVER-THICK BOOKMARK.

YOU WILL DO EXACTLY... WHAT?

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

EXCUSE ME. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

WHAT? CAREFUL, NOW!

YOU HELLION! I'LL
BE RIGHT THERE!

HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE! GO HOOTIE!

All: GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

GO HOOTIE!

WELL, LET ME KNOW,
BECAUSE MY OFFER

STAYS ON THE TABLE
FOR EXACTLY ONE HOUR.

CIAO. THANKS.

WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT
YOU'VE GOT A WINKY THE RABBIT.

NOW...

I'M QUITE INTERESTED
IN THAT ITEM,

AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT RIGHT NOW I AM

FLUSH WITH OCELOTS.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T
WANT YOU TO MAKE A DEAL

YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH.

ALL I'M SAYING IS,
THIS IS YOUR FUTURE.

ASKING YOUR PARENTS

WOULD ONLY CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT.

SOMEONE'S COMING?

ALL RIGHT, CALL ME BACK
TOMORROW DURING RECESS.

NIGHT-NIGHT, BECKY.

SHE'S WEAKENING.

UH! UH. UH.

YOU TOUCH, YOU DIE.

THOSE NEED TO BE
IN MINT CONDITION.

COME ON! YOU ALREADY
GOT, LIKE, 3 OF THESE.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

UH, UH, UH.

HAVE FUN.

HELLO, LITTLE ZEBRA.

HEY, GUYS.

TOMMY!

NO, NO, NO, NO. I AM NOT TOMMY.

I AM HOOTIE, THE
RUTHERFORD HIGH OWL.

WHERE I GO, PEOPLE
FOLLOW, HOOTING.

WAIT A SECOND,
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING
SOMETHING FOR SCHOOL?

WHEN I PUT THIS THING
ON, I BECOME AN IDOL.

THEY ADORE ME! DO
YOU UNDERSTAND?

I AM HOOTIE! HEAR ME HOOT!

GO HOOTIE! GO HOOTIE!

GO, GO, GO HOOTIE!

HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!

DICK, THERE'S NO
FOOD IN THE HOUSE.

I NEEDED THE MONEY
FOR THE FUZZY BUDDIES.

LOOK, YOU'RE PROBABLY
GOING TO SAY NO, BUT...

CAN I SLICE ONE OF THESE
OPEN, FRY UP THE BEANS?

HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH?

HARRY, LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT? SNOW LEOPARD?

CHILLY THE SNOW LEOPARD.

THE HOLY GRAIL OF FUZZY BUDDIES.

DO TO A MANUFACTURING
ERROR IN TAIPEI,

THEY WERE MADE
WITH ONLY ONE NOSTRIL.

ONLY 30 OF THEM EVER
MADE IT OUT OF THE FACTORY.

IT'S THE MOST VALUABLE OF ALL.

IT'S WORTH MORE
BECAUSE IT'S DEFECTIVE?

IT'S WORTH MORE
BECAUSE IT'S RARE.

BUT IT'S RARE BECAUSE
IT'S DEFECTIVE AND CRAPPY?

EXACTLY.

WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE TO HAVE ONE.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT, INSTEAD OF BUYING

A BUNCH OF SCREWED-UP DOLLS,

WE BUY SOME FOOD? PAY THE RENT?

COME ON, DICK!

DUBCEK'S THREATENED
TO MAKE ME WORK IT OFF,

AND I DON'T THINK SHE'S
TALKING ABOUT MOWING THE LAWN.

FEAR NOT, HARRY.

TOMORROW WE'RE
GOING TO MAKE BACK

OUR RENT FOR THE WHOLE YEAR.

CHECK THIS OUT.

IT IS THE FUZZY BUDDY SWAP NIGHT

AT THE RUSTY BURGER.

THIS IS GREAT!

YEAH, IT'S TIME TO CASH IN.

CASH IN? HOW?

WELL, SELL.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE COLLECTION.

THE FUZZY BUDDIES? SURE.

YOU DIDN'T THINK WE WERE
GONNA KEEP THEM FOREVER,

DID YOU?

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I KNEW THE DAY WOULD COME.

ONE BIG PAYDAY.

WE'RE IN, WE'RE OUT, GRAB A
RUSTY BURGER FOR THE ROAD,

CHARTER A JET TO THE WEST COAST

AND WATCH THE SUN RISE.

NICE. NICE.

NICE.

ALL RIGHT, DICK. NOW REMEMBER,

YOU'VE GOT THE BEST FUZZY
BUDDY COLLECTION IN TOWN.

I KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT WHAT THEY
WANT, AND THEY KNOW IT.

LOOK AT THEM ALL,
GAWKING AT YOU.

MIGHT HAVE JUST
SAT ON CHEESE FRIES.

THERE SHE IS.

WHO?

OUR BUYER.

THE ONE THEY CALL...

THE COLUMBIAN.

THE COLUMBIAN?

MUST BE THE MATRIARCH OF
A POWERFUL CARTEL. UH-UH.

HER NEPHEW WENT TO
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. LET'S GO.

COLUMBIAN!

MEET... THE PROFESSOR.

AND MARY ANNE.

I HEAR YOU'RE
LOOKING TO LIQUIDATE.

UH-HUH.

THAT'S GOOD. CAUSE
I'M LOOKING TO ACQUIRE.

LISTEN HERE, LADY,

WE'RE NOT GIVING THESE AWAY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR TOP DOLLAR.

I GOT TOP DOLLAR. I GOT
BETTER THAN TOP DOLLAR.

WELL, THEN, BY DEFAULT,

WOULDN'T THAT BECOME TOP DOLLAR?

I CAN SEE YOU'RE SERIOUS.

AND I GOT SOMETHING

I THINK MIGHT INTEREST YOU.

PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF
CHILLY THE SNOW LEOPARD.

CHILLY THE...

YOU'VE GOT ONE?

DICK, STAY FOCUSED.

LET'S JUST GET THE
CASH AND GO, OK?

CAN I SEE IT?

BY ALL MEANS.

OHH.

JUST ONE NOSTRIL.

HE'S MAGNIFICENT!

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
ENOUGH. NO! NO!

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

800.

I'LL BUY IT!

DICK! I'M STARVING TO DEATH!

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
SELL THESE, NOT BUY MORE!

SELL THEM? ARE YOU INSANE?

I NEED THEM.

IT'S MY COLLECTION.

SOLD. I CAN'T STOP NOW.

NOT WHEN I'VE COME THIS FAR.

NOT WHEN THERE'S
SO MUCH MORE TO GET!

DICK, THEY'RE OUR NEST EGG.

WE'VE GOT TO SELL THEM.

YOU'LL GET THESE FUZZY
KEEPSAKES FROM ME

WHEN YOU PRY THEM OUT
OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!

WHO'S GONNA WIN
THIS GAME, I SAY?

COME ON! HOO. HOO.

WHO'S GONNA WIN
THIS GAME, I SAY?

LET IT GO, TOMMY.
WE'RE DOWN BY 22.

BUT THE GAME'S NOT OVER
TILL THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

Announcer: AND THAT'S THE GAME.

THE FINAL SCORE, PARMA
HEIGHTS 52, RUTHERFORD 30.

WAIT. THIS CAN'T BE.

WAIT. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

DON'T LEAVE. WAIT.

HEY, TAKE IT EASY, SOLOMON.

IT'S JUST A GAME.

JUST A GAME?

ARE YOU INSANE?

YOU!

YOU DID THIS.

YOU DIDN'T PRACTICE THEM
ENOUGH, YOU BASTARD!

TOMMY, PEP IS WONDERFUL.

BUT WHEN IT MANIFESTS ITSELF...

IN SUCH A VIOLENT WAY...

OK, ALL RIGHT, IT'S
NOT ME, ALL RIGHT?

WHEN I PUT ON THE OWL SUIT,

I BECOME THE OWL,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HOOTIE DID THIS.

I COULD HAVE TAKEN HOOTIE,

BUT HE PEARL HARBORED ME.

YOU KNOW, THIS SCHOOL HAS
SOMETHING ELSE TO OFFER YOU.

SOMETHING... SOMETHING
BESIDES SPIRIT.

SOMETHING WE CALL INTENSIVE
PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELING.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE FUN, TOMMY?

TOMMY?

HOOTIE? CAN I TALK TO TOMMY NOW?

YEAH, I GOT YOUR
NUMBER FROM A FRIEND.

HE SAID YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.

I... I... I NEED A ROGER
THE ROAD FROG.

NO! NOT A MINI ONE.

I NEED A FULL-SIZE
ROGER, DAMN IT!

YEAH, YEAH, OK, I'LL CALM DOWN.

WHERE ARE YOU?

OK. YOU GUYS READY?

HE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.

WE'VE GOT TO CONFRONT
HIM. IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

NOW YOU SWEAR THIS
INTERVENTION IS NOT FOR ME?

BECAUSE I HAVE
FALLEN FOR THAT TWICE.

COME ON PEOPLE. IT'S GO TIME.

CAN I BRING YOU HALF?
YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT.

ASK BRITNEY. SHE'LL
VOUCH FOR ME.

WE GO BACK... WAY, WAY BACK.

I... I DON'T MESS
AROUND. I'M COOL.

HELLO? HELLO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CALL!

WELL, YOU'RE GETTING
ANOTHER CALL RIGHT NOW, DICK.

A WAKE-UP CALL FROM
PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU.

OH, GOOD.

I... I... I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I COULD
USE A FEW BUCKS, MAYBE 20...

$30... FROM EACH OF YOU.

WE'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK.

YOU WILL?

A REALITY CHECK.

I'M NOT WRITING ANY CHECKS.

DR. SOLOMON, YOU'VE
GOT A PROBLEM.

A PROBLEM? I DON'T
HAVE ANY PROBLEM.

SO I COLLECT NOW AND THEN,

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU COLLECT, MARY.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE
THIMBLES YOU GOT?

I HAVE NEVER MISSED WORK
BECAUSE OF MY THIMBLES.

I... I... I... AAH!

NOW, YOU USED TO JUST
COLLECT AFTER WORK,

BUT NOW YOU COLLECT AS SOON
AS YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING.

WELL, SURE. JUST TO
GET THE DAY GOING.

DICK, YOU HAVE SPENT ALL OF
OUR MONEY ON THESE THINGS,

WE HAVEN'T PAID
OUR RENT IN A MONTH!

GOD, I'M SO ASHAMED. I CAN'T
LOOK DUBCEK IN THE FACE.

YOU CAME TO MY SCHOOL,
AND ALL YOU COULD THINK ABOUT

WAS WHERE YOUR NEXT FUZZY
BUDDY WAS GONNA COME FROM.

I AM EMBARRASSED TO
BRING MY FRIENDS OVER.

OK, SURE, MAYBE I'VE
BEEN A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

MORE THAN A LITTLE, DICK.

YEAH, BUT I CAN QUIT
WHENEVER I WANT!

CAN YOU, DICK? CAN
YOU REALLY? SURE.

FACE IT, MAN!

YOU'RE STRUNG
OUT ON THE BUDDIES!

OH, ALL RIGHT, TAKE THEM.

GO ON, TAKE THEM!

I DON'T NEED THEM!

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

IS THAT ALL OF THEM, DICK?

YEAH, THAT'S ALL. I SWEAR.

YOU SURE?

OF COURSE I'M SURE.

THEN WHAT ARE THESE?

AAH!

AND WHAT ABOUT THESE?

OR THESE?

NO! NO!

NO! NO! NIGEL!

OH, NO! NOT CHILLY!

OH, RUSTY! MARCO!
OH, NO, NOT THEM!

MONKEY!

I AM SO GLAD

I FINALLY GOT RID
OF ALL THOSE THINGS.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
THE CRAVING IS STILL THERE.

SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M
TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP,

I CAN STILL SEE THEIR
SHINY LITTLE BUTTON EYES

STARING AT ME.

SO, THEN, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I GET UP AND CALM MYSELF DOWN

WITH A STIFF DRINK.

THAT'S GOOD. GOOD FOR YOU.

YEAR, WE'RE PROUD OF YOU, DICK.

HOW COULD YOU HAVE
GOTTEN SO CARRIED AWAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I WAS JUST TRYING
TO FILL SOME EMOTIONAL VOID.

MAYBE I NEVER REALLY
FELT LOVED BY MY MOTHER.

DICK, YOU NEVER HAD A MOTHER.

SEE? THAT'S A
PRETTY SERIOUS VOID.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
STOPPED WHEN YOU DID, DICK.

ONE DAY YOU'RE
ADMIRING FUZZY BUDDIES

THROUGH THE DRUG STORE WINDOW.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE FLYING OUT OF BOGOTA

WITH A BALLOON FULL OF FUZZY
BUDDIES SHOVED UP YOUR...

ALL RIGHT, STOP! OK! HEY!

BUT HOW EXACTLY WOULD THAT WORK?

WELL, YOU JUST...

ATTENTION, RUSTY'S CUSTOMERS!

TAKE IT FROM A MAN WHO
HAS BEEN THROUGH HELL.

THOSE RUSTY'S FUN
LUNCHES YOU ARE EATING

ARE NOT SAFE!

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE
CHOLESTEROL OR THE FAT CONTENT

OR THE DISEASED MEAT

OR THE CARCINOGENS CAUSED
BY THE BROILING PROCESS.

AND I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE FOOD SERVER

WITH THE UNWASHED
BATHROOM HANDS...

IT'S YOU. I SAW YOU...

OR THE SPOILED MAYONNAISE
IN THE SECRET RUSTY SAUCE...

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE...