3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 3 - Feelin' Albright - full transcript

When Sally realizes she isn't Don's first girlfriend, she starts to panic and considers Don's previous girlfriends competition. She desperately wants to find out who's she's up against. At a party, Dick finds out what it's like to be the partner of the dean when nobody pays any attention to him and he ends up talking to the other wives of important faculty members. He decides to organize a fashion show to raise money to repair a statue at the university to prove himself. Harry and Tommy try to sell lemonade.

Oh, don, why do you have to go?

Why, Sally?

Because 10 years ago,
I took an oath...

An oath to protect
and serve this city,

and nothing... not even the
prospect of lying in bed, naked,

with the sexiest, most
beautiful woman...

What the hell am I doing?!

Oh... Oh, Sally...
I've gotta tell you

that this is the best
relationship I've ever been in.

Oh, wow, don... That is so...



What's the matter?

Nothing. I guess I
just never thought

about you having another
relationship before.

No one can hold a
candle to you, Sally.

That's real sweet, don.

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to pendelton's new Dean
of arts and sciences.


That's you, Mary.

I know.

Now, if you wouldn't mind talking
business just for a moment...

Oh, dick, can't it
wait until Monday?

Oh, I understand.

On Monday, I'm gonna
be asking you

what the school
intends to do about

the decaying statue
of admiral pendelton.

The one with the missing arm?

It's an eyesore. What's
going to be done?

I want an answer,
and I want it now!

That's what I'll be
saying on Monday.

Dick, the university is
in a financial crunch.

The biology lab is
dissecting road kill.

The statue is not a priority.

Yes, well, I'll be interested in
hearing what you think on Monday.

Thank you, my good man.

Oh, no. Here, let me get...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is my treat.

Dick, I'm a Dean.

That promotion came
with a nice raise.

Well, you're not making
any more than me.

A little more.

How much more?

A lot more.


Well, I don't care. It
makes no difference to me.

I'm the man at this table,

and I insist on
paying for dinner.




Mary, could I borrow $200?

Dick, this is only $80.

I know. I also want
to buy a cuisinart.

Tommy! Tommy!

Dubcek's grandson is selling
lemonade down the street

for 25 cents a shot.

25 cents? For a lousy
cup of lemonade?

Do you know what kind
of markup that must be?

This kid's gotta be
making a fortune.

Well, he was wearing
a digital watch.


Well, I just found out something
about don I never knew.

That his back is literally
covered in pimples.

Worse. He had another
relationship before me.

No. No.


Oh, my God, you guys...
What do you think?

You think she's pretty?

Tall... Blond...

Wow. She sounds hot.

Shut up.

I gotta figure out where
she works, what she does.

I gotta know
everything about her.


'Cause I don't know
anything about her.

Well, Sally, I'm off.

Uh, don, um...

Thi-this table's
a little wobbly.

Um, could I use your address
book to prop it up?

Can't you just use a matchbook?

I don't wanna use a matchbook.

I wanna use your
widdle addwess book.

Well, why didn't you
say so to begin with?

I'm supposed to give you this.

"Dr. and Mrs. Albright"?

No, this isn't for me.

This is for Mary and her wife.

I think you're Mrs. albright.

Me? Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that's rich!

Wait'll Mary hears about this.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Right over your heads.

Mary! Mary!

Mary... ha ha ha!

Look at this invitation.
It's hilarious!

It's a typo.

Yes! Ha ha ha!

Dick, I've been meaning to
talk to you about this.

Now, you're going to be
on my arm at this event,

so I want you to look your best.

So, here, take my credit card

and go out and buy
yourself a nice outfit.

How much can I spend?


What if I find a belt
that goes with my socks?


Can I buy a cuisinart?

You already bought a cuisinart.

Er... Somebody put
pencils in it.

Hi. I'm calling on behalf of j.D.
Power and associates.

How many licensed drivers do
you have in your household?

Mm-hmm. And how many have
dated police officers?

Your old roommate did. Ok,
can you describe him?

"Used to sneak home during
the shift." Uh-huh...

"Stripped to his
underwear." Right...

And watch his soap opera?

The bold and the beautiful?

I am in business!

Hi. Can I help you?

Are you Tina?

No. Go away.

Hi. I'm Tina.

Were you looking for a crockpot?

You're Tina? Yeah.

Have you looked at this one?

Thank you, God.

I am so much hotter than you!

Thank you!

Hey, hello, there.

Well, if it isn't
chancellor Stevens.

Dean albright, hello.

Chancellor, it's
good to see you.

Tell me, Mary,

I heard you had a most
promising meeting

with Professor gollin.

I think it went well. Keep
your fingers crossed.

He's an interesting man.

You've read his paper
on ethnobotany?

I've just started it,
but it's fascinating.


I'm sorry. This is
my boyfriend dick.

Nice to meet you.

Actually, I'm a physics...

You made a great end-around
on the subcommittee.

Oh, that.

It turns out it was
Professor Briggs

that was creating the logjam.

You know, I find...
How'd you do it?

I just dangled that arts
grant in front of him.

The interesting...

The arts grant is a
mighty big carrot.

It sure is.

Carrots... and then?

I... oh, it's just wait and see.

Carrots... yes, I suppose.

How, uh... lf...


Carrots... sure.



Hello. I'm Dean
guthridge's wife.

And I'm Dean Smith's wife.

Hi. I'm Dean albright's wife.

Harry, is it really necessary

that I wear a blindfold?

Tommy, it's a blind taste test.

Now, if we're gonna be
in the lemonade game,

we've gotta have a
competitive product.

Now, which one tastes better?

Well, this one's a little bland.

A little bland.

Ok. This one's root beer.

You guys!

I saw her! I saw her!

You saw Tina?

Yes, and I'm so much
hotter than she is,

it's not even funny.

Good. Good for you.

And you know what
the best part is?


Well, that is the best part.

You know, I wonder what
don ever saw in her

in the first place.

Ah, well, you got...

Well, I mean, it...


Yeah, what could it be?

What difference does it make?

I mean, you're not in
competition with this person.

Of course I'm in competition
with her, Tommy.

She's his ex-girlfriend.

Yeah. Ex.

Why am I even talking to you?

You're not a woman.

Ooch! That's gotta hurt.

I mean, what does this
Tina have that I don't?

Her back is literally
covered in pimples.

I gotta figure out what
I'm up against here.

I'm gonna go buy that crockpot.

We have a crockpot.

We just lost one crockpot

and gained one crackpot.

I see what you did there.

Hi, dick.

Dean albright.

Tonight was fun, wasn't it?

Boy, if this is what
it's like being Dean,

I say bring it on!

I'm sleepy.

What's wrong?

Well, if you don't know,
I'm not gonna tell you.

It was the party, wasn't it?

I'm closing my eyes now.

Oh. Ok.

Come on, Professor Solomon.

Teach me a lesson.


Ok. If you're not going
to give it to me,

I'm gonna come over
there and get it.


Just make it quick.

Dick, I'm sorry.

I know I've been a little
self-involved lately,

but you've got to
admit I've been busy.

Busy doing what?


Thinking about
that idea of yours

about restoring the statue.

I thought we didn't
have enough money.

Well, you're just gonna
have to raise the money.

A fund-raiser!

That will be your project.

Mary, you mean it?

Yes, dick.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

Thank you.

Oh, I can see it
now, all restored,

the majestic image
of admiral pendelton

riding his wife into battle.

That's his horse.


That does make more sense.

So I'm racking my brain...

What's a fresh, fun new
way to raise $10,000?

Something crazy,

but makes perfect
sense all at once.

And I'm walking by
fashions by pepe,

and it hits me like a
cape to the throat...

Fashion show.

Fashion show.

Hot winter nights.

That's the theme.

For the... Fashion show.


Now help me out.

Ticket prices... I
was thinking $50

for seats by the runway.

You know, for the
Mickey Rourke types.

I wish I was going to be
in town that weekend.

When is it?

Oh, good. Dean albright,

dick was just telling
us this idea...

Oh, he told you about
the fashion show.

He told us all about it.

Isn't it great?

Fabulous! Count me in!

Just great!

Hot winter nights.

Where did you come
up with the idea?

Right here.

Tina, hi. Remember me?

You're the one who said I
wasn't half as hot as you are.

Yeah, right. That's me.

Anyway, I'm back
for that crockpot.

Oh, sure. Yeah, they're
right over here.

Oh. Those are nice shoes.

Oh, thanks. I just got them.

They're Frank Ross.

Frank Ross. You must be loaded.

Loaded? No, no.

Well, then where'd you get
the cash to pay for them?

Credit card.

You have a credit card.
Oh, my God.

Anyway, these crockpots
are so easy to use.

They're all I cooked with
when I was in college.

She went to college.

You set the timer, go out,

and the food's ready
when you come back.

Come back from where?
I... I don't know.

Tennis? Is that where you go?

To play tennis... with the
balls and the rackets,

like some expert tennis player?

Miss, is everything ok?

Oh, yeah, everything's great,

except you're ruining my
relationship with don.

Don? Yeah, lady!

Don Orville.

We've been going out
for over a year,

and all of a sudden
your name comes up.

And what are you
trying to do to us?

Look, I was only with
don for 6 months.

And 2 weeks after we broke up,

he was already going out
with Cheryl fassler

and Laura brockman after that...

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait...


There were others?

Well, I think we should expand.


Are you out of your mind?

We haven't sold a cup.

Well, wait till we get
to the big cities.

That's where the
thirsty people are.

You are a meathead.


Ooh! Lemonade?

You know,

when little kids sell lemonade,

it's cute.

But when grown men
sell lemonade,

it's creepy.


Quit selling lemonade.

You're creeping out the
whole neighborhood.

Well, she's the meathead.

No, Harry.

No. She's right.

I mean, come on, look at us.

We are disgusting.

I'm through.



Oh, well, that's just fine.

You just go home, Tommy.

It doesn't matter to me.

I'll just stay here all day,

hold down the fort.


Root beer.

Thank you, kitty.

Next up,

we have charlene...

In a sassy cardigan

and flirty plaid
knee-length skirt.

Town or country,

she's ready to play.

She shoots, she scores.

Number 8 on your program.

This one's gonna go fast.

Thank you, charlene.

Here comes Ginny.

Say, Ginny, what's
underneath the parka?


It's a smart French
Terry pullover

and some snugly leggings.

Her husband may be a trustee,

but you can't trust her.

You're dangerous, Ginny.

You're dangerous...

In fashions by pepe.

Come on out, Betty.

That is sick!

Ok. All right, all right.

Wait, wait. So, Laura,

you were with don
from '92 to '93.

And then, Cheryl,

you were with him
the summer of '95.

But, uh, there's still
this gap here in '94.

Oh! That's when he
had the ponytail.

I remember one night,
me and dingo...

Oh, that's what I
used to call him.


He does look like a dingo!

Oh, my God!


Sally, have you found
a clip of 9mm ammo?

I was looking at...

Gah! Jeez! Doh!

Hi, don. We were just
talking about you.

Hey, recognize anybody?



I... I recognize everybody.

Hello, ladies.

Hey, don. Hi, don. Hi, don.

Sally, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Oh, sure, sweetie.

He squints when he's nervous.

Am I right?


Oh. Coming.

What's up?

Why are all my old
girlfriends here?

Sweetie, look...

I lost it when I found out

you had relationships before me.

But now that I've met them all,

I'm cool with it.

That's great, Sally.

I know how you got
together with them,

I know what you did with them,

and I know why you broke up.
That's nice.

I know where you've been,
I know what you've had,

and I know how you
got rid of it.


Ok. I'm... I'm glad
you feel better.

I do, don.

I really do.

Oh, Sally.

Oh, dingo.



Here's the man of the hour!


Thank you, Mary. Thank you. Oh!

And thank God it's over!

Nina, how did we do?

Let's see. Subtracting
for the caterer, the dj,

and Betty walking off
with the wedding gown...

We made $104.

You mean 104 million dollars.

No. 104 dollars dollars.

What, that's all?
After all that?!

It's a great start, dick.

You should be proud.

Of what?!


That won't buy admiral
pendelton an arm!

That won't even pay to pressure-wash
the bird crap off his wife!

Still... What a night.

The gala event of the season.

This?! 12 Professor's wives
trudging down a makeshift runway

in poly blends and
support hose?!

The rumaki was delicious.

What's going on?

Why am I being
treated like this?

Whenever I've done something
stupid or foolish,

you've always been there
to ridicule me for it.

What's changed?!

I... I think everyone
had a lovely time.

I know I did.



You're the reason they're
all being so nice!

They're kissing up to me because I'm
the Dean's boyfriend, aren't you?!

Oh, pshaw!

Well, I'm more than that!

I have my own identity!

I'm dick Solomon, damn it!

And I demand to be
condemned for my failures!

And this, this wasn't
just a failure.

This was a towering fiasco!

So if any of you
respects me as a person,

you will stand up, come forward,

and ridicule me for
the idiot that I am!

Do it, damn it!
Call me an idiot!

I think you better
call him an idiot.

You're an idiot!

A colossal idiot!

Thank you, Judith.

Vincent, thank you.

And you, Mary...

You... Most of all.

If you don't, I will.

Ok, dick.

You're a big, fat, bumbling,

oblivious, pepe-wearing,

Oh, thank you, Mary!

I love you, too.

Dr. Solomon.

Yes, Lucy.

I just wanted to tell
you, you're an idiot.

Thank you, Lucy, but that's
really not necessary.

No. I really wanted you to know.
You're an idiot.

Look, I've really gotten over
that whole fashion show debacle.

But... Thank you.

What fashion show?