3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 2 - Power Mad Dick - full transcript

Mary is the new dean and Dick thinks this gives him power as well. Sally has lost her virginity.

HELLO, LUCY.

HMM.

THAT'S A NEW TIP CUP, ISN'T IT?

YES.

I THOUGHT SO.

GOOD-BYE.

HOW IN THE WORLD DID SHE
GET THE NICKNAME SUNSHINE?

I WAS JOKING, DICK.

OH, THAT'S CLEVER.

WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
MAY BE REPEATED TO NO ONE.

WHAT IS IT?



I WAS IN THE
CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE,

AND THEY WERE DISCUSSING THE
VACANCY LEFT BY DEAN SUMNER.

MARY, I HAVE IT ON
EXCELLENT AUTHORITY

THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AS THE NEW
DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF ARTS AND SCIENCES.

ME?!!

SHH!

Me? YOU.

I'M THE NEW DEAN?

You're the new dean.
You're the new dean.

REMEMBER, NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.

WATCH OUT, YOU IDIOT!

YOU'VE JUST BUMPED
INTO THE NEW DEAN!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC



ME, TOO, PUMPKIN.

I CAN'T WAIT. BYE.

OH, SO YOU'RE
SEEING DON TONIGHT?

SEEIN' HIM? I'M LOSIN'
MY VIRGINITY TO HIM.

I CAN COME BACK.

OH, NO YOU DON'T. YOU
JUST FIX THAT THING.

SALLY, THIS IS GONNA BE A NIGHT

YOU'LL REMEMBER FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU KNOW, I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE NIGHT THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY

TO, UH...

OH, WHAT'S-HER-NAME
OVER AT THE PLACE.

MAGIC!

YES, IT'S A SPECIAL TIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GOING TO BE WEARING?

NOT A LOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYIN', UH, UH...

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? FRED.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYIN', FREDDY?

I THINK SO.

YOU KNOW, SALLY, SEX ISN'T
ALWAYS ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

I DON'T.

WELL, DUBCEK'S MY EXPERT.

THIS LITTLE LADY TOLD ME SHE
LOST HER VIRGINITY 14 TIMES, HUH?

WAIT. IS THAT POSSIBLE?

NO, BUT A GIRL'S GOT TO BE
MINDFUL OF HER REPUTATION.

WELL, SALLY, WE KNEW THAT
THIS TIME WOULD COME SOMEDAY,

SO WE WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU HAD PROTECTION.

SEE YA.

OH, UH, NINA...

NOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO
MARY'S NEW OFFICE AND LEAVING ME,

I WANT TO WISH YOU
LUCK AND TELL YOU

I'VE NEVER BEEN
HAPPY WITH YOUR WORK.

AND NOW THAT I'M LEAVING,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

YOU CAN KISS MY BLACK BEHIND.

HELLO, MARY.

OH, DICK, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO CALL ME DEAN.

I DIDN'T.

I SAID, "HELLO, MARY."

OH, GOOD. BECAUSE
NOTHING'S CHANGED.

I'M STILL MARY.

IT'S JUST THAT I GOT
A MAJOR PROMOTION

TO A POSITION OF
GENUINE AUTHORITY,

SO IF YOU'D WANTED TO CALL
ME DEAN, I'D UNDERSTAND,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I DIDN'T.

GOOD.

THIS OFFICE IS AMAZING, MARY.

YEAH.

I ESPECIALLY LIKE
YOUR NEW CERAMIC FISH.

WHAT IS THAT? IT'S A GIFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
GO BEAUTIFULLY WITH THAT?

THIS.

OH, YOU HAVE SUCH A GOOD EYE.

I'LL GO GET THE
REST OF MY STUFF.

GOOD. I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND.

SMELL THIS ONE.

AHH! MMM!

OK, NOW, SMELL IT ON.

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

STOP SMELLING HER!

HI, DON.

SALLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I GOT SOME GREAT
STUFF FOR TONIGHT.

LOOK, ALMOND BODY LOTION.

I'M GONNA SMELL
LIKE A BIG ALMOND.

ALMONDS ARE GOOD.

YEAH. OH, AND
CHECK THIS ONE OUT.

WHEN YOU BLOW ON
IT, IT GETS HOTTER.

WHOO! YEAH.

SALLY, SALLY, COULD
YOU COME OVER HERE?

OH, SURE, I'LL JUST UM...

HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
VENEREAL DISEASES, DO YOU, DON?

NO!

GOOD 'CAUSE I'M LOOKIN'
FORWARD TO TONIGHT,

BUT NOT THAT MUCH.

WILL YOU GO AWAY?!

SALLY, I APPRECIATE
YOUR COMIN' DOWN HERE,

BUT, YOU KNOW, UNTIL THE CLOCK
STRIKES 5:00, I'M STILL ON DUTY.

AH, TAH... UH...

I ALSO GOT THIS FOR TONIGHT.

RICO, I'M TAKIN' A PERSONAL DAY.

BUT THE SHIFT'S
OVER IN 10 MINUTES.

I SAID I'M TAKIN'
A PERSONAL DAY.

AAH!

MY OFFICE IS SO
EMPTY WITHOUT YOU.

WELL...

HOW ABOUT A NEW COUCH
TO BRIGHTEN THINGS UP?

CAN YOU DO THAT?

OH, SURE. JUST
CALL THE WAREHOUSE

AND TELL THEM DEAN ALBRIGHT
SAID YOU COULD HAVE A NEW COUCH.

AND MAYBE A CHAIR?

SURE.

AND SOME SPORTY THROW PILLOWS

TO ADD A SPLASH OF COLOR?

MAKE IT SO!

OH, THIS IS UNREAL.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S THE DEAN!

MY GIRLFRIEND'S THE DEAN!

I'M THE DEAN!

PHELPS, TAKE THE DAY OFF.

THANK YOU, DR. SOLOMON.

SO, RON, HOW ARE THE
DESIGNS FOR MY OFFICE COMING?

DICK, LET ME BE
UP FRONT WITH YOU.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING
TO TELL YOU NOT TO GO LOUIS XIV.

I'M NOT THOSE PEOPLE.

GOOD. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE.

CARRY ON, MY GOOD MAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

REFILLING MY DRINK.

NO FREE REFILLS.

OH, IS THAT A FACT?

THAT'S A FACT.

DO YOU KNOW WHO
YOU'RE DEALING WITH?

UNFORTUNATELY.

THAT'S IT!

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY
THE DEAN OF ARTS AND SCIENCES,

YOU'RE FIRED! PACK
YOUR BAGS, PRINCESS!

THE FREE RIDE'S OVER.
YOU ARE OUT OF HERE!

FINE.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT
YOU'VE BEEN EATING ALL THIS TIME.

THE JOKE'S ON YOU.

I MAY HAVE EATEN IT, BUT
NEVER ONCE DID I EVER...

KEEP IT DOWN.

YAAH-AH!

UGH!

MORNING.

HAPPY?

ME, TOO-SKI.

SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

SO MAYBE IT WASN'T THE BEST IDEA

TO THROW SALLY A SURPRISE PARTY.

TOMMY, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY

WITHOUT YOUR FAMILY
JUMPING OUT AND YELLING,

BUT I KNOW I WOULDN'T.

OH, SALLY, ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOUR
ENTRANCE INTO WOMANHOOD

THAT WE GOT YOU
THIS PLAQUE. TOMMY?

"HATS OFF TO YOU,
EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK."

SPEECH! SPEECH!

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU
WANT TO TELL US ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

OH. OH...

UH...

OK, UH...

COULD YA TAKE THE HAT OFF FIRST?

THANKS.

UM...

WELL, SO, I... I WENT OUT...

AND I MET DON AT
THE POLICE STATION,

UH... UH...

WELL, HERE I AM!

OOH! CEREAL.

COME ON! HOLD
ON A MINUTE, MISSY!

AREN'T YOU LEAVING
SOMETHING OUT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

ABOUT LOSIN' YOUR VIRGINITY,

YOU BIG KNUCKLEHEAD?

I CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT.

WELL, WHY NOT?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

OF COURSE IT'S OUR BUSINESS!

THIS IS WHAT WE DO. THIS IS
WHY WE'RE HERE ON EARTH.

I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT
MY FIRST NIGHT WITH MARY,

EVERY DISGUSTING LITTLE DETAIL,

NO MATTER HOW MUCH
YOU BEGGED ME TO STOP.

YEAH, AND NOW IT'S
YOUR TURN, SO SPILL!

WHY DO YOU GUYS
EVEN CARE SO MUCH?

BECAUSE A... IT'S REAL DIRTY,
AND B... YOU WON'T TELL US!

IT'S LIKE THE LESS YOU TELL ME,

THE MORE I WANT TO KNOW!

WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KNOW.

OH, NOW I WANNA KNOW EVEN MORE.

MARY?

OH, MARY?

COME TO BED, MY
LITTLE TANGERINE.

I CAN'T. I'M STILL WORKING.

BUT IT'S LATE, MUTTON CHOP.

I KNOW.

DADDY NEEDS A KISS-KISS.

WELL, DADDY'S NOT
GOING TO GET A KISS-KISS

'CAUSE I'M STILL CLEANING UP
THE MESS YOU MADE WITH LUCY.

OH, THAT.

DICK, SHE FILED A GRIEVANCE!

I HAD TO FIRE HER, MARY.

SHE FLOUTED OUR AUTHORITY.

OUR AUTHORITY?

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY AUTHORITY.

I'M THE DEAN, NOT YOU.

ME. ME... DEAN,
YOU... BOYFRIEND.

RAWWRR...

TOMORROW MORNING,

YOU ARE GOING TO CONVINCE
HER TO TAKE HER JOB BACK.

WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT?

OH, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

FIRST YOU GIVE
DR. STRUDWICK A RAISE,

THEN YOU CARPET THE MEN'S ROOM.

IT WAS SO ECHOEY.

DICK, I HAVE BEEN DEAN EXACTLY
ONE DAY, AND, THANKS TO YOU,

I HAVE ALREADY BEEN DRESSED
DOWN BY THE CHANCELLOR.

FINE. IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL
BETTER, I'LL TAKE CARE OF LUCY.

THANK YOU.

NOW WILL YOU COME TO BED,

MY LITTLE WISP OF CHEESECLOTH?

NO, BUT I'LL SEE YOU AT
THE OFFICE TOMORROW.

AHH!

FINE.

SO LONG.

IT'S MY BEDROOM.

THEN I GUESS IT'S
THE COUCH FOR YOU.

GUESS AGAIN.

OH! THEN IT'S A FANCY
HOTEL ROOM, IS IT?

IT'S YOUR BUTT OUT THE DOOR!

THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!

I JUST KICKED YOU OUT.

TOO BAD. I WASN'T LISTENING.

PLEASE...

LET ME STAY.

OUT!

THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!

DEAR DIARY, I'M SO CONFUSED.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE
TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING,

SO, HERE IT GOES...

LAST NIGHT...

LAST NIGHT...

DON AND I...

WE...

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NOSY?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
LEAVE ME ALONE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
DON DID TO HER?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I THINK IT'S
TIME WE FOUND HIM

AND OPENED UP A
LITTLE CAN OF WHUP-ASS.

HELLO, BOYS.

WHY DON'T YOU SAVE THE
SWEET TALK FOR THE LADIES, DON?

YEAH. DID YOU THINK
WE WOULDN'T KNOW?

DID YOU THINK WE
WOULDN'T FIND OUT?

STUPID!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? IS SALLY OK?

SHE'S A MESS!

AND WE WANT TO KNOW WHY.

WELL, WHAT DID SHE TELL YOU?

NOTHIN'. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW
SOMETHING'S WRONG?

BECAUSE SHE TELLS US
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

THE WAY YOU WEAR YOUR HAT...

THE WAY YOU SIP YOUR TEA,

THE WAY YOUR SMILE JUST BEAMS,

THE WAY YOU SING OFF-KEY.

NO, NO. YES!

SHE TELLS US EVERYTHING,

AND YOU CAN'T TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM ME.

I WOULD NEVER DO
ANYTHING TO HARM SALLY.

I LOVE HER.

OH, YEAH? WELL, THEN,
WHY ISN'T SHE TALKIN'?

I DON'T KNOW!
THAT'S HER BUSINESS!

WHY, I OUGHTA... OK.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PLAY
THE LITTLE GAME YOUR WAY.

BUT, REMEMBER, WE'RE
WATCHIN' YOU, 24 HOURS A DAY.

I THOUGHT WE WERE
GONNA GO SEE A MOVIE.

SHH!

EH! EH!

LUCY, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
I SUMMONED YOU HERE

BECAUSE THERE SEEMS TO HAVE
BEEN A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

SOMEHOW YOU GOT THE
IMPRESSION THAT I FIRED YOU.

HA HA HA!

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN YOU SAID,

"PACK YOUR BAGS, PRINCESS,
THE FREE RIDE IS OVER"?

WELL, I'M NOT SAYING THE
MISUNDERSTANDING IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.

LET'S TRY ANOTHER APPROACH.

CUT THE BULL, DOC.

YOU WANT ME TO DROP MY GRIEVANCE

SO YOU CAN GET YOUR SORRY
BUTT OFF THE CHOPPING BLOCK.

AHH, POOR THING.

I SEE THE MASHED POTATO
FUMES HAVE GONE TO YOUR BRAIN.

WHAT?

LOOK, THINGS HAPPENED THAT
MAYBE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

I'M NOT HERE TO PLACE BLAME.

BUT I'M SURE WE CAN
REACH AN AGREEMENT

JUST AS SOON AS YOU
SUBSTANTIALLY CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE.

I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE
MY ATTITUDE FOR YOU.

OK! I TRIED TO GIVE
YOU A SECOND CHANCE,

BUT YOU BLEW IT! OUT
YOU GO! YOU'RE FIRED!

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME. YOU
DON'T HAVE THE POWER.

OH, I DON'T, DO I NOT?

NO, YOU DON'T!

AND YOU NEVER DID.

NOW, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

PLEASE, LET THERE
BE AN EARTHQUAKE.

LET THERE BE AN EARTHQUAKE.

PARDON ME. I GOTTA
MAKE A CALL TO MY LAWYER.

OH! OH HO HO HO HO!

SO...

YOU'RE GONNA CUT ME
OUT OF YOUR WILL, ARE YOU?

WELL, I CAN DO THE
SAME! YOU'RE OUT!

I AM SO SCREWED.

SALLY.

DON.

I'VE BEEN GOIN' NUTS.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, DON...

I'VE NEVER BEEN
HAPPIER IN MY LIFE.

I JUST WISH I COULD ENJOY IT,

BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M
TOO BUSY FREAKIN' OUT!

WHY?

WELL, IT'S LIKE...

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU BUY A
NEW PAIR OF STILETTO HEELS?

WELL, GO ON.

AND THEY'RE REALLY GREAT, AND
EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE REALLY GREAT,

AND "WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET 'EM? THEY'RE SO GREAT."

SO YOU FINALLY TAKE THE PLUNGE,

AND YOU LOVE 'EM.
THEY'RE PERFECT,

AND THEY'RE SURPRISINGLY
COMFORTABLE,

BUT THEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOU REALIZE,

"WHAT HAVE I
DONE? I'M UP SO HIGH,

"AND WHAT'S UP AHEAD OF ME?

"THE WORLD IS FULL OF
ESCALATORS AND HEATING GRATES

AND SOD, AND WHAT IF I'M
NOT ABLE TO HANDLE ALL THAT?"

WELL, SALLY, YOU'RE SO TALL,

YOU COULD JUST WEAR FLATS.

I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE

WHAT AN IMPACT LOSING MY
VIRGINITY WOULD HAVE ON MY LIFE.

LOSING YOUR VIRGIN...

HOKEY SMOKES!

YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

NO, SALLY, I...

I'M HONORED IT WAS ME.

I... EH HEH HEH...

I GUESS IF YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN WITH ANYONE ELSE,

THEN YOU CAN'T FULLY APPRECIATE

HOW MAGNIFICENT
A LOVER I REALLY AM.

I CAN IMAGINE.

OH, YOU ARE A LUCKY GIRL, SALLY!

A LUCKY, LUCKY GIRL.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO
SHOUT IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!

BUT WHEN I GOT HOME, I
COULDN'T TELL ANYBODY.

THAT'S OK.

HAVE YOU TOLD ANYBODY WE DID IT?

OH, SURE, TONS OF PEOPLE, BUT...

THAT WAS MONTHS AGO.

BUT NOT SINCE WE
ACTUALLY DID IT?

OF COURSE NOT. WHAT KIND
OF HEEL DO YOU THINK I AM?

THIS INFORMATION IS ONLY FOR
MEMBERS OF THE SALLY-DON CLUB.

THERE ARE ONLY 2 MEMBERS.

YOU AND ME, DON?

ME AND YOU.

CAN TOMMY JOIN?

NO.

GOOD. BECAUSE
THERE'S A PART OF ME

THAT FEELS LIKE IF ANYBODY
ELSE FOUND OUT ABOUT IT,

IT'LL STOP BEING OUR THING,

AND I DON'T EVER WANT
IT TO STOP BEING THAT.

IT NEVER WILL.

I'M SO GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.

ANYTIME YOU WANT TO, UH...

TALK...

YOU JUST SEE ME.

SOMETIMES I JUST
LIKE TO LIE BACK

AND LET YOU DO THE TALKIN'.

SO YOU LIKE TO, UH...

LISTEN, DO YOU?

YEAH.

OOH!

HA HA HA.

DO YOU?

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

'CAUSE I'LL TALK
YOUR BRAINS OUT!

TALK TO ME, DON! TALK TO ME!

THE MAN'S AN IDIOT.

HE REALLY IS.

WHY ARE YOU EVEN SEEING HIM?

WELL, IT'S HARD
TO MEET NICE GUYS.

EH... TELL ME ABOUT IT.

SO, LUCY, WILL YOU DROP THE SUIT

AND TAKE YOUR JOB
BACK AT THE CAFETERIA?

AFTER THE TRAUMA
I SUFFERED THERE?

I COULD NEVER WORK
IN THE CAFETERIA AGAIN.

WHY?

I'M FRIGHTENED.

OK, WHAT'LL IT TAKE?

NINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M WORKING FOR YOU AGAIN,

AND IF YOU THINK YOU WEREN'T
SATISFIED WITH MY WORK BEFORE,

JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE ALL
THE TYPOS AND LOST MESSAGES

YOU'VE GOT COMIN' YOUR WAY!

OHH!

YOU!

CAN I HELP YOU?

I HAVE TO SEE MARY.

NOT SO FAST, DOC.

SHE'S A VERY BUSY WOMAN.

SIT DOWN AND WAIT YOUR TURN!

MARY!

LUCY, TELL WHOEVER
IT IS I'M BUSY.

MARY, IT'S ME!

TELL HIM I KNOW WHO IT IS.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT.

CAN YOU GET ME SOME WATER?

NO.

HOW ABOUT SOME CABBAGE
SOUP AND MASHED POTATOES?

NO!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

POWER IS A FUNNY THING.

YEAH.

SO ARE RUBBER PENCILS.

MARY HAS POWER. I HAVE MARY.

MATHEMATICALLY, I
SHOULD HAVE POWER.

BUT, AS IT TURNS OUT,

ALL I HAVE IS THE POWER
TO MAKE HER ANGRY AT ME...

WHICH IS STILL A
PRETTY GOOD POWER.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
IT'S NICE TO GIVE UP POWER.

REALLY?

YEAH. I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO
BE THE TAKE-CHARGE LIEUTENANT.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I CAN LET
SOMEBODY ELSE HAVE CONTROL.

LETTING YOURSELF BE VULNERABLE,

IT OPENS YOU UP TO A WHOLE
NEW WORLD OF EXPERIENCE.

TELL US... MORE.

NO.

IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

I REALLY THOUGHT
YOU HAD HER THAT TIME.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE