3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 19 - Citizen Solomon - full transcript

HEY, HAS ANYBODY
SEEN MY BLUE SHIRT?

YEAH, HERE IT IS.

HAS ANYBODY ELSE
NOTICED THAT OUR PLACE

IS LOOKING A
LITTLE, UH... MESSY?

YA THINK?

IT'S JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE
ANY CLEAN CLOTHES, YOU KNOW,

AND WE DON'T HAVE
ANY CLEAN DISHES,

AND THERE'S NO
CLEAN... ANYTHING.

All: EWWW!

WE'RE LIVING LIKE
COMMON HOBOS HERE.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?



I THINK THAT THIS STARTED

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

I HAD A FORK, AND
I PUT IT IN THE SINK,

AND THEN I JUST THOUGHT,

"AHH, I'LL WASH IT LATER."

HARRY, DON'T BLAME
YOURSELF. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S SALLY'S FAULT!

EVER SINCE SHE MOVED
INTO DUBCEK'S GARAGE,

THIS WHOLE PLACE
HAS GONE TO POT.

OH, I MISS HER.

I MISS CLEAN UNDERPANTS.

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

HEY, GUYS!

OH, SALLY.



[ALL TALK AT ONCE]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARMING YOU WITH THE
GRIME-BUSTING POWER OF BLEACH.

LOOK OUT, SCUM!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE.

I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
LEARN TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES.

INTERESTING THEORY.

EXPAND ON THAT.

CAN YOU SCRUB WHILE YOU TALK?

DICK, I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

BUT WE MISS YOU.

YEAH. WHY CAN'T YOU
JUST MOVE BACK IN?

YEAH.

OH, COME ON, NOW.
YOU'RE BIG BOYS.

I KNOW IT'S HARD,

BUT YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT ME.

BUT WHAT IF WE DON'T WANNA?

YEAH, I DON'T WANNA.
I DON'T WANNA!

WILL YOU AT LEAST CLEAN THAT UP?

I DON'T GET THIS.

WHY DO I HAVE TO PICK AN
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY?

CURRICULAR? FINE.
I'LL GIVE 'EM THAT.

BUT EXTRA? YOU
KNOW, THAT'S MY TIME.

YOU CAN JOIN THE DEBATE TEAM.

THEY'RE A BUNCH OF
ARGUMENTATIVE HAMMERHEADS.

HOW ABOUT THE DRAMA CLUB?

ARTSY-FARTSY LOSERS.

I'M IN THE DRAMA CLUB!

WELL, YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

SEE, HAD YOU, YOU WOULD'VE HEARD
ME SAY THAT ARTSY-FARTSY LOSERS...

ARE NOT ALLOWED
IN THE DRAMA CLUB.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.

YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

WE'RE DOING MY FAIR LADY.

YOU COULD SING IN FRONT
OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

OH, REALLY?

'CAUSE I'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE,
LIKE, NOT DOING THAT.

WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

OUR SCHOOL HAS A NEWSPAPER?

YEAH. THE ZEPHYR.

REMEMBER WHEN THE
CAFETERIA FLOODED

AND THEY MOPPED IT UP WITH
ALL THOSE PILES OF PAPER?

YEAH? OH, THAT WAS
THE NEWSPAPER? UH-HUH.

IT'S VERY ABSORBENT.

OH, NINA, YOU'RE
FRIENDLY WITH RAOUL

DOWN IN THE CAFETERIA
KITCHEN, AREN'T YOU?

NO.

OH, GOOD. THEN I HAVE A
GREAT ICEBREAKER FOR YOU.

COULD YOU ASK HIM
TO WASH THESE DISHES

AND HAVE 'EM BACK BY 6:00?

YOU KNOW, I'M ABOUT 10 SECONDS
AWAY FROM QUITTING THIS JOB.

OH, THEN YOU'D BETTER HURRY.

OK.

YOU'RE ONLY CREATING
MORE WORK FOR YOURSELF.

HI, DICK.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MARY.

I... I WAS JUST THINKING.

HOW ABOUT A ROMANTIC
EVENING FOR 2 TONIGHT?

JUST THE TWO OF US AT MY PLACE.

I LIKE WHAT I'M
HEARING. TELL ME MORE.

SOME SOFT JAZZ PLAYING
IN THE BACKGROUND,

A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT,
A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE,

A LITTLE DUSTBUSTER.

A LITTLE WHAT?

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GIVE
MY PLACE A LITTLE ONCE-OVER

BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I'M NOT CLEANING
YOUR HOUSE, DICK!

GET A MAID TO DO THAT.

A MAID?

YEAH. I HAVE A WOMAN WHO CLEANS
MY HOUSE... CATHY. SHE'S TERRIFIC.

HERE. I'LL GIVE YOU HER NUMBER.

A WOMAN I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WOULD CLEAN MY HOUSE?

UH-HUH.

SHE'S NOT MY RELATIVE. NOPE.

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH HER? NO.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR HER?

YOU PAY HER.

OHH. WELL, ALL RIGHT,

BUT OUR CHAMPAGNE EVENING

JUST TURNED INTO BEER
AND JERKY IN THE PARKING LOT.

MM-HMM. SO THIS
IS THE NEWSPAPER?

YEP.

OH, GOD. WHAT?

THAT'S MY EX.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OK. I
KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.

I'LL HANDLE THIS. AHEM.

AUGUST, HI.

LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVE
A HISTORY TOGETHER,

AND BEING DUMPED IS NEVER EASY,

AND SO, I DON'T BLAME
YOU FOR BEING UPSET.

BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO
KNOW THAT I'M WITH ALISSA NOW,

AND I JUST HOPE THAT YOU CAN
DEAL WITH SEEING ME ANOTHER WOMAN.

TOMMY, UM, I WAS THE ONE
WHO BROKE UP WITH YOU.

POOR KID.

OK, WELL, I'VE GOT
AN EARLY REHEARSAL.

THE DIRECTOR'S GETTING
HIS BRACES OFF AT 4:00.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED.

ANYBODY GOT ANYTHING?

MARCHING BAND IS HOLDING
A CANDY DRIVE NEXT WEEK.

OK, WRITE IT.

YOU REALLY WANNA READ THAT?

WE DON'T HAVE TO READ
IT. WE JUST WRITE IT.

YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

JUST SEEMS A
LITTLE BORING TO ME.

OH. AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER WONDERED

HOW THEY HAVE MONEY FOR
THE NEW FOOTBALL UNIFORMS,

BUT THEY HAVEN'T
REBUILT THE LIBRARY

SINCE FIRE BURNED
DOWN M THOUGH R?

WELL, SURE, I WONDER.

I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.

BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
FIND SOMETHING LIKE THAT OUT?

WELL, COULDN'T WE,
LIKE, ASK SOME PEOPLE?

INTERESTING.

I NOMINATE THIS NEW
GUY TO BE EDITOR. ME?

SECONDED.
CONGRATULATIONS, SOLOMON.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS PAPER PLACES.

OK. WAIT. YOU DON'T
MEAN I'LL BE DELIVERING IT?

NAH.

GOOD. 'CAUSE I
DON'T HAVE A BIKE.

THAT'S IT. A LITTLE BIT FURTHER.

NOW KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.

AW, THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

AND OPEN 'EM.

TA-DA! TA-DA!

WHAT?

LOOK AT OUR
PLACE. IT'S SPOTLESS.

AND WE WANT YOU TO BE THE
FIRST PERSON TO EAT OFF OUR FLOOR.

IT'S THAT CLEAN.

GO ON, EAT.

THE NEXT TIME YOU DRAG
ME AWAY FROM JUDGE JUDY,

THERE BETTER BE A FIRE.

DID SHE JUST DIS US?

NO. SHE'S JUST JEALOUS.

AND WHY WOULDN'T SHE BE?

CATHY HAS MADE
THIS PLACE SPARKLE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PLANT?

OH, IT TURNS OUT THAT THAT
WAS JUST AN OLD POTATO.

OH... SHE'S WONDERFUL.

YEAH.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

THANK YOU, CATHY.

THANK YOU FOR
COMING INTO OUR LIVES.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, CATHY.

WE LOVE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE TO THIS PLACE.

OK.

OHH... OHH...

WHAT A JEWEL.

OH, WE'RE SO LUCKY.

CHIP?

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M CATHY.

IS THIS YOUR DOIN'?

UH, YEAH. I CLEAN THEIR
HOUSE. WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SALLY. I USED
TO HAVE TO DO THAT.

HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU?

THEY PAY YOU?

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME.

WOW. YOU'RE CLEANING THE OVEN?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
COULD CLEAN THE OVEN.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY
THEY GOT RID OF YOU.

DICK, I'M CONCERNED ABOUT CATHY.

SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP AT MY PLACE.

DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S SICK?

SHE SEEMED FINE WHEN I
LEFT THE HOUSE THIS MORNING.

WAIT A MINUTE. SHE
WAS AT YOUR PLACE?

OH, YEAH. I'VE HIRED
HER ON FULL-TIME.

SHE'S INDISPENSABLE.

WHAT?

YOU DON'T DO THAT.

Y-YOU DON'T STEAL
SOMEBODY'S MAID.

YOU STOLE HER FROM JUDITH.

I DIDN'T STEAL HER.

I LURED HER WITH MONEY.

GIVE ME BACK MY MAID.

I'M SORRY, MARY,

BUT CATHY IS NOT SOME PRODUCT

TO BE BOUGHT OR SOLD
ON THE OPEN MARKET.

SHE IS A LIVING,
BREATHING HUMAN BEING

WITH FEELINGS,
THOUGHTS, AND EMOTIONS.

YOU DON'T OWN HER.

I DO.

I NEVER MET ANYONE
LIKE YOU BEFORE, CATHY.

THE WAY YOU PAIR UP SOCKS,

PUT THEM IN THE
SAME DRAWER... GENIUS.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU TURN THE
TOILET WATER BLUE,

AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

JUST DON'T STOP DOING IT.

OK.

LOOK, JERRY, EVERYBODY KNOWS
FRED WATERS' FACE CLEARED UP.

WE CAN SEE THAT. I
WANT TO KNOW WHY.

AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT
CINDY FISHER HAD TO DO WITH IT.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

HEY, CHIEF.

HOW'D IT GO WITH COACH
STRICKLAND? DID HE TALK?

AW, NAH. HE SAID, "GET OUT,"

AND THEN HE THREW A
CROQUET BALL AT MY HEAD.

GOOD, GOOD. HE'S SCARED.

THAT MEANS WE'RE GETTING
CLOSE TO SOMETHING.

YOU GO BACK AND GET THAT STORY.

I'LL GET A HELMET.

GOOD THINKING, MAN.

TOMMY.

PRINCIPAL.

YOUR ZEPHYR HERE

HAS OPENED QUITE A FEW EYES.

MMM. WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.

I DIDN'T SAY I LIKED IT, TOMMY.

I'M ON A DEADLINE
HERE, PRINCIPAL.

YES, WELL, JUST REMEMBER,

THE ZEPHYR IS A REFLECTION
OF RUTHERFORD HIGH,

WHOLESOME, COMPETITIVE.

YOU KNOW, OUR TEST SCORES

ARE NEARING THE
NATIONAL AVERAGE.

SO THAT'S, UH, THAT'S
THE KIND OF THING

YOU'D LIKE ME TO FOCUS ON, HUH?

YES. GOOD. I'M, UH, GLAD
YOU ALL UNDERSTAND.

MMM. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT
THAT MAN JUST SAID?

GOOD. I WANT YOU TO FORGET IT.

NOW BACK TO WORK.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
HELLO, GOVERNOR.

HOW'S IT GOING AROUND
HERE AT THE NEWSPAPER THEN?

WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?

MY FAIR LADY,

TOMORROW NIGHT, RING A BELL?

OH, SURE, SURE.

YOU'RE STILL GOING, RIGHT?

OF COURSE, BABY. I WOULDN'T
MISS IT FOR THE WORLD.

LOVERLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT CATHY DID TODAY?

PUT YOUR SOCKS IN BALLS?

NO, BETTER.

SHE FOLDED MY UNDERWEAR.

WOW.

AND I THOUGHT UNDERWEAR

WAS ALREADY AS
SMALL AS IT COULD BE.

WHAT'S WRONG, TOMMY?

SOCKS NOT IN BALLS?

NO. IT'S THIS ARTICLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
TELL THE GUY WHO WROTE IT

HE'S NOT CUTTING THE MUSTARD.

YOU KNOW WHO COULD HELP HIM?

CATHY. CATHY.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH. THERE'S NO PROBLEM

SHE CAN'T SOLVE.

SHE'S ONE OF US NOW.

LIKE FAMILY. ASK HER.

UH, CATHY?

WOULD YOU COME OUT
HERE FOR A MINUTE?

YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN THE ROOF?

[LAUGHS] NO. [LAUGHS]

WELL, NOT TODAY.

HELLO?

DICK?

HELLO?

ANYBODY HERE?

OH, MY GOD. SHE'S ON THE ROOF.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE ASKING ME.

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE
DID WITHOUT YOU, CATHY.

THEY WANT HER...

BUT I'M...

OH, MY GOD.

AAH!

TOMMY,

I HAVE TO ADMIT THERE
ARE A FEW ITEMS IN HERE

THAT BOTHER ME.

HERE, FOR INSTANCE,

WHERE YOU SAY YOU WILL

EXPOSE CORRUPTION
AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T
MEAN YOU, SIR.

THEN WHY IS MY
PICTURE RIGHT HERE?

LOOK, IT'S A NEW
ZEPHYR, PRINCIPAL.

A NEW ZEPHYR FOR
A NEW MILLENNIUM,

AND WE ARE GOVERNED
BY ONE OBJECTIVE...

TO TELL THE TRUTH.

SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
HIDE, PRINCIPAL GRESCHNER?

WHAT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

CERTAIN RELATIVE OF YOURS?

OWNS A PRINTING PRESS?

MIGHT GET THE YEARBOOK CONTRACT?

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE NOW.

OK, OFF THE RECORD, THOUGH...

OUT!

HOW'D IT GO?

WALK WITH ME.

HE'S HIDING SOMETHING.

IT GOES DEEP. THIS
COULD BE HUGE.

YOU GET JENNIFER PICCARELLI
AT THE YEARBOOK ON THE PHONE.

THIS COULD BE AN ALL-NIGHTER.

ON IT.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

WHAT?

THAT GIRLFRIEND OF
YOURS IS IN A PLAY TONIGHT.

RIGHT. DAMN.

LISTEN, AUGUST, HONEY,

I'M IN A BIT OF A JAM.

YOU THINK YOU COULD COVER
THE THEATER BEAT TONIGHT?

ME? NOW I KNOW YOU'RE CAPABLE

OF PUTTING YOUR
FEELINGS FOR ME ASIDE,

ALL THE BITTERNESS, ALL
THE ANGER, ALL THE HATE,

AND GIVING ALISSA'S
PLAY AN HONEST REVIEW.

YES, AND AGAIN,

I WAS THE ONE WHO
BROKE UP WITH YOU.

I BROKE HER HEART.

HELLO, HARRY.

IS SHE HERE?

IS WHO HERE?

THAT CATHY WOMAN.

YEAH. SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

TELL ME, HARRY, IS
SHE BETTER THAN ME?

WELL, YOU PUT ME IN AN
AWKWARD POSITION HERE, SALLY,

BUT, YES.

YES, SHE'S MUCH BETTER THAN YOU.

WOW, THAT WASN'T AS
AWKWARD AS I THOUGHT.

WELL,

LOOK AT YOU.

MADE YOURSELF QUITE AT
HOME, HAVEN'T YOU, HUH?

PARDON?

BET YOU'VE DONE THIS
KIND OF THING BEFORE, HUH?

YEAH, PLENTY.

15 YEARS.

DOZENS OF FAMILIES.

YOU SLUT.

HERE YOU GO.

YOUR REVIEW.

OH. [CLEARS THROAT] YEAH.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"TO WATCH THE DRAMA CLUB'S

"NEW PRODUCTION OF MY FAIR LADY

"BY LERNER AND LOEWE

IS TO LEARN HOW
LOW A SHOW CAN GO."

THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

KEEP READING.

"IN THE ROLE OF ELIZA,

"ALISSA STRUDWICK
COULD INDEED DO LITTLE.

"HER INEPT ACCENT
PROVIDING NO DISTRACTION

FROM HER NON-EXISTENT
SINGING VOICE."

YOU DIDN'T HOLD
BACK HERE, DID YOU?

UM, SADLY, I DID.

OH.

MAN, SHE'S GOING TO BE HURT.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T BLAME YOU IF
YOU DON'T PRINT THIS.

I MEAN, SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND.

AND THIS IS JUST A NEWSPAPER.

JUST A NEWSPAPER?

JUST A NEWSPAPER, HUH?

OH, AND I SUPPOSE THAT
AMERICA IS JUST A COUNTRY,

AND INTEGRITY IS JUST A WORD,

AND IDEALS IS JUST SOME
DREAM THAT LITTLE KIDS HAVE?!

OK! OK.

I GET YOUR POINT. RUN IT.

HEY, I'M THE GUY
WHO SAYS, "RUN IT."

RUN IT.

AHEM!

CAN I HELP YOU?

WHERE IS SHE, DICK?

WHERE IS WHO?

CATHY. I HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

SHE'S GONE FOR THE DAY, MARY.

BESIDES, SHE HAS
NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.

LISTEN TO ME, DICK.

I HAVE TO HAVE CATHY BACK!

I WENT THROUGH 7 MAIDS
BEFORE I FOUND HER!

MARY, AT YOUR HOUSE,
CATHY WAS A MAID.

AT OUR HOUSE, SHE IS A
MEMBER OF THE FAMILY.

SHE SAID THAT?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

YOU CAN SEE THE JOY IN HER EYES

AS SHE TRUNDLES
DOWN THE BACK STAIRS

WITH A BIG BAG OF GARBAGE.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
HER LIFE, CATHY IS HAPPY.

YOU CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY
FROM HER FOREVER, DICK.

I STOLE HER FROM JUDITH,

AND I'LL STEAL HER FROM YOU!

MARY.

MARY, DON'T GET ANY
CRAZY IDEAS, MARY!

DO YOU HEAR ME?!

HARRY, GET OUT HERE! WHAT?

MARY'S UP TO SOMETHING.

WE GOTTA GO TO CATHY'S
HOUSE AND INTERCEPT HER.

NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO US!

I'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE
TO ANYBODY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

ME, NEITHER, HARRY.
WHERE DOES CATHY LIVE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, WHAT'S HER LAST NAME?

BEATS ME.

WELL, HOW DOES SHE SPELL CATHY?

CATHY? I THOUGHT IT WAS CASSIE.

LET'S JUST FOLLOW MARY.

LET'S GO!

"PRINCIPAL DENIES
YEARBOOK SCAM."

OK, BOYS, WE'RE
PUTTING THIS ONE TO BED.

GO HOME.

SEE YOUR FAMILIES FOR A CHANGE.

TOMMY.

HEY.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

WHAT?

THE THINGS IT SAYS IN HERE.

"THE RAIN IN SPAIN CAUSED THIS
REVIEWER INSANE BRAIN PAIN."

HOW COULD YOU PRINT THIS?!

LOOK, ALISSA, I'M
A NEWSPAPERMAN,

AND IT'S MY JOB TO INSURE
THAT EVERY ARTICLE IN HERE

LIVES UP TO THE HIGHEST
JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS.

[SOBS]

AND AUGUST LEFLER HAS FAILED
TO MEET THOSE STANDARDS.

AUGUST! YES?

I GAVE YOU THIS ASSIGNMENT

TRUSTING THAT YOU COULD
PUT YOUR FEELINGS ASIDE FOR ME

AND WRITE AN UNBIASED
REVIEW OF ALISSA'S PLAY,

AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

WILL YOU STOP AT NOTHING
TO DESTROY MY HAPPINESS?

OK. OK, FOR THE
LAST TIME, TOMMY,

I BROKE UP WITH YOU.

IN FACT, I STARTED SEEING SOMEBODY
ELSE WHEN I WAS STILL WITH YOU.

HA! I COULDN'T BE MORE OVER YOU.

OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE FIRED!

HMM?

OHH!

[SIGHS]

SHE REALLY TOOK YOUR
BREAKUP HARD, HUH?

IT'S SAD, REALLY.

[LAUGHING]

OH, STEPHANIE,

NOW, I KNOW YOU
DON'T LIKE GREEN BEANS,

BUT YOU NEED THE VITAMINS

IF YOU WANNA GROW
UP TO BE A BIG GIRL.

OH, HI, CATHY.

I'D ASK YOU TO SIT DOWN,

BUT THERE'S NO ROOM
FOR YOU HERE ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M TAKING CARE OF
YOUR FAMILY, CATHY.

SOMEONE HAS TO.

HOW'S IT FEEL, HUH?

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW
YOU'VE BEEN REPLACED?

[BUZZER]

OOP. EXCUSE ME. GOT
SOMETHING IN THE DRYER.

BE RIGHT BACK, KIDS!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HI, CATHY.

LOOK, I KNOW WE
HAVE A LONG HISTORY,

BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT
YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON

THAT VALUES LOYALTY AND
FRIENDSHIP ABOVE ALL ELSE, SO...

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT
MY CHECKBOOK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CASSIE?

CASSIE! ARE YOU OK?

NICE TRY, ALBRIGHT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

PUT THAT FILTHY CHECKBOOK DOWN.

I HAVE EVERY...

MARY! NO!

WE'LL NOT FIGHT IN
FRONT OF THE M-A-I-D.

HELLO, DICK.

SALLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M GETTING MY
FAMILY BACK. WHAT?

LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

I GAVE YOU THE BEST
YEARS OF MY MISSION.

[ALL ARGUING]

SHUT UP!

NOW, ALL OF YOU,
OUT OF MY HOUSE!

I QUIT!

BUT, CATHY, YOU'RE PART
OF THE FAMILY. YOU LOVE US.

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

I HATE YOU!

AH, WELL, I FIND THAT HATE AND
LOVE ARE ACTUALLY FLIP SIDES...

WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

I CLEAN YOUR HOUSE!

THAT'S IT!

I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL PROPERTY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
I'M... I'M THINKING OR FEELING.

AND I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER.

[SHRIEKS]

AND YOU...

YOU'RE JUST A PSYCHO.

AND IF ANY OF YOU
TRIES TO HUG ME AGAIN,

MY HUSBAND WILL BEAT
THE TAR OUT OF YOU.

SO WE'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY?

GET OUT!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE'RE
BETTER OFF WITHOUT CATHY.

AH, HEAR, HEAR.

PLACE SMELLS LIKE US AGAIN.

YEAH.

SAUERKRAUT, OLD
FRUIT, AND WET DOG.

MMM. STOP.

YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY.

YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE OF
THIS PLANET ARE OBSESSED

WITH GETTING OTHER PEOPLE
TO DO THEIR DIRTY WORK.

OH, WE FELL RIGHT INTO IT.

HUMANS COULD SOLVE SO
MANY OF THEIR PROBLEMS

IF EVERYBODY WOULD JUST TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN MESS.

HOW DOES SHE GET THESE SO SMALL?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE
NEVER LET ME WATCH.

OH, DAMN!

I AM SO PSYCHED CATHY'S GONE.

YOU KNOW, IT DROVE ME NUTS

THINKING SOMEONE
COULD TAKE MY PLACE HERE.

WELL, IT DROVE AUGUST NUTS
TO SEE ALISSA TAKE HER PLACE.

SHE TOOK OUT A FULL-PAGE AD

SHOWING MY HEAD ON
THE BODY OF A JACKASS.

Sally: HA! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

OH, IT'S OBVIOUS.

SHE STILL LOVES ME.

SHE'S NEVER GONNA GIVE
UP. I'M TELLING YOU, MY FRIEND.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

I SURE DO LOVE CLEANING,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THESE
REGULAR PAPER TOWELS

JUST DON'T DO THE TRICK.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, DICK,

AND THEY ALSO LEAVE UNSIGHTLY
STREAKS ON THE WINDOW.

SAY, HAVE YOU TRIED THE ZEPHYR?

THE ZEPHYR? THE ZEPHYR?

WELL, SURE. IT'S NOT JUST

A SCHOOL NEWSPAPER ANYMORE.

THE ZEPHYR IS
INCREDIBLY ABSORBENT.

HAVE A LOOK.

WATCH AND SEE HOW
STRONG THE ZEPHYR IS,

EVEN WHEN WET.

TOMMY!

YOU'RE CLEANING THIS UP!