3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 17 - Y2dicK - full transcript

Dick discovers computers and gets hooked.

[BEEPING]

WHAT'S WITH THE BEEPER?

OH, I JUST GOT IT.

MY PARENTS AREN'T
GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

AND I FEEL A LITTLE SAFER
KNOWING THAT THEY CAN REACH ME.

JUST BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER.

IF ANYTHING, I AM
A GOOD DAUGHTER.

AREN'T YOU GONNA CALL BACK?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

OH, NINA, GOOD.

I NEED MY GRADE REPORTS
BY TOMORROW MORNING,



OR THE REGISTRAR IS GONNA
USE MY ASS AS A TETHERBALL.

I GOTTA RUN. I LEFT THE
REPORTS ON YOUR COMPUTER.

I DON'T SEE THEM.

THEY'RE ON YOUR COMPUTER.

NINA, DON'T JERK ME AROUND.

I THINK WHAT SHE MEANS
IS THAT THE GRADES

MIGHT ACTUALLY
BE IN THE COMPUTER.

YES, MOM, I KNOW.

3 FOR A DOLLAR IS A GREAT
PRICE FOR CRENSHAW MELONS.

YOU KNOW, I GOT THIS
BEEPER FOR EMERGENCIES.

YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE
GONNA GO FAST.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO RISK IT.

GOOD-BYE.

HOW AM I GONNA GET
MY GRADES OUT OF THIS?



THEY'RE NOT ON THE DISK?

THE DISK?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, IN 3 YEARS, I HAVE
NEVER SEEN YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER.

IT'S YOUR DIRTY
LITTLE SECRET, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE A PHYSICS PROFESSOR
WHO'S COMPUTER ILLITERATE.

I AM NOT.

WELL, FINE, FINE.

BUT IF YOU EVER NEED MY HELP,

I... AN ANTHROPOLOGY PROFESSOR,

WILL TEACH YOU...

A PHYSICS PROFESSOR...

HOW TO OPEN A FILE
WITH YOUR MOUSE.

HA HA HA!

COMPUTER, ACTIVATE NOW.

OH.

OH HO, SILLY ME.

IT'S JAPANESE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

IMA KUMPUTA HAJIMATE!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS

AND THE NATIONAL
BROADCASTING COMPANY

INTERESTING HAIR.

NO, I THINK THAT'S A HAT.

NO, I DON'T THINK A
COW WOULD WEAR A HAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
JUST GET A NEW TV?

WHA...

NEW TV?

CAN WE... CAN WE DO THAT?

YEAH.

MY GOD, THAT'S BRILLIANT!

THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

HARRY.

OHHH!

OHHH! IT'S BLUE!

IT'S BLUE!

OH, MY GOD. WE'RE PREGNANT!

I AM THE MAN!

HARRY!

I JUST HAS A BLUE ICY POP.

OHH.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T
MEAN THAT I'M NOT THE MAN.

HONEY, YOU WILL BE THE MAN.

WE'RE GOING TO A SPECIALIST

TO MAKE SURE ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

OK, THAT'S MY CUE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

GET IT... AND GET IT. HA!

TOMMY, AREN'T YOU GONNA
GO WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

NO, I WAS JUST GONNA
STAY HERE AND WATCH.

THIS IS GROWN-UP
STUFF. GET OUT OF HERE!

GET IT, HA! GET IT!

DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I-I'M JUST, UH, WORKING
ON MY COMPUTER.

IT'S NOT EVEN ON.

YES, IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

YEAH, I-IT'S JUST,
UH, WARMING UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
TO USE A COMPUTER!

SHUT UP!

OH, HE HAS NO IDEA!

I AM A SUPERIOR BEING.

I CAME TO EARTH ON A SPACESHIP

THAT COULD FIT IN MY PANTS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WITH TECHNOLOGY SO BACKWARDS

IT CAN'T EVEN READ
YOUR THOUGHT WAVES?

MISS...

YOU HAVE A VERY RARE CONDITION

WHICH CAN ONLY BE CURED

BY GETTIN' NAKED.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

HARRY, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

I GOTTA BE SURE THAT
EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

HI, I'M DR. HOWARD.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN
TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

OH, BOY, WE SURE HAVE.

FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

IT'S BEEN THE GREATEST
MONTH OF MY LIFE.

WELL, A MONTH, THAT'S
A LITTLE EARLY TO PANIC.

BUT...

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

WELL,

IF IT'LL GIVE YOU
SOME PEACE OF MIND,

WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE LOOK-SEE.

SEE, THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IS A
VERY COMPLEX PIECE OF MACHINERY.

OK.

YOU SEE THIS, HARRY?
THIS IS YOUR URETHRA.

OH!

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE?!

IT'S NOT REALLY YOURS.

PROBABLY SOME...

FANCY MALE MODEL, ISN'T IT?

SURE.

HELLO. MAY I HELP YOU?

YES. I AM QUITE LIVID!

I PURCHASED THIS
COMPUTER HERE 2 WEEKS AGO,

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
WITH IT. IT'S BROKEN.

WE HAVEN'T SOLD THIS
MACHINE HERE FOR 6 YEARS.

FINE, FINE. I'LL JUST
TAKE STORE CREDIT, THEN.

THIS IS STAMPED "PROPERTY
OF PENDLETON UNIVERSITY."

YOU HAVE SOLD ME STOLEN GOODS?

HOW DARE YOU!

YOU DID NOT BUY
THIS COMPUTER HERE.

YOU ARE LYING.

YOU ARE A LIAR.

I THOUGHT THE CUSTOMER
WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.

THAT'S SO CLEAR.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHERE
THIS GUY ENDS AND THIS GUY STARTS.

OH, WHOA, THIS
ONE'S EVEN BETTER.

OH, YEAH!

BUT IT PALES IN
COMPARISON TO THIS...

MASTERPIECE!

TOMMY.

HUH?

SWEET MOTHER!

Both: THERE'S A
PICTURE IN THAT PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO LITTLE.

I COULD JUST SIT DOWN AND
REST IT RIGHT HERE ON MY, UH...

UH, THIGH SHELF.

UH, NOW, ALL YOU DO
TO CLEAR THE SCREEN...

THAT MUCH I KNOW.

I HAVE SOMETHING
SIMILAR TO THIS AT HOME.

OK, YOU GUYS.

CHECK IT OUT.

4-HEAD VHS AUTO-TRACKING
DELICIOUSNESS.

525 LINES OF RESOLUTION.

OOH, YEAH!

HOWEVER, IT SAYS HERE

THAT THIS VCR
ONLY HAS 250 LINES.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

NOTHING.

A-ARE YOU SAYING
THAT THESE COLORS

COULD BE MORE VIBRANT?

THIS LOOKS GOOD TO ME.

I AM SAYING, TOMMY,
THAT IF WE WENT DIGITAL,

WE'D GET THE MOST
OUT OF OUR BITCHIN' TV.

SO IT WOULD REALLY BE A
WASTE OF MONEY NOT TO.

THIS REALLY LOOKS FINE.

IT'S HORRIBLE!

PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE
OF CRAP'S GOING BACK.

GRRRRRR!

HARRY, CUT IT OUT.

I GOTTA FIND OUT
IF I'M OVULATING.

OK.

NOW WE CAN BEGIN.

OH. OK.

GRRRRR!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

GET AWAY FROM THAT TV.

WHY?

THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD

CAN WREAK HAVOC
ON YOUR SWIM TEAM.

OHH!

ALL RIGHT, HARRY.

TAKE OFF THE ROBE.

TAKE IT OFF?

TAKE OFF THE ROBE.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING SUCH
CONSTRICTIVE UNDERPANTS?

WELL, DICK WAS DONE WITH THEM.

HARRY, YOU KNOW, YOU
ARE NOT HELPING THE CAUSE.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET
WITH THE PROGRAM.

TAKE 'EM OFF.

WHAT?

TAKE 'EM OFF NOW. TAKE 'EM OFF.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU,

I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON.

[SOBBING]

HARRY!

OK, CONFIGURE MODEM FILE.

WHERE'S THE MODEM FILE?

GO TO YOUR CONTROL PANEL.

MY WHAT?

YOUR CONTROL PANEL
ON YOUR DESKTOP.

WHERE?

ON YOUR COMPUTER'S DESKTOP.

THAT'S NOT A DESKTOP.
THIS IS A DESKTOP.

THAT'S A SCREEN.

NO, NO, NO. QUIT THIS.

HIT "COMMAND Q."

COMMAND...

THAT'S CONTROL. HIT
COMMAND. COMMAND!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, DICK!

AAAAHHHHH!

THERE.

[BEEPER BEEPS]

OH, GREAT.

DON'T TELL ME, MANGOS
ARE 3 FOR A DOLLAR.

I'M GONNA GO USE YOUR PHONE.

[MUTTERING TO HERSELF] I'M
SO SMART. GET HER A BEEPER.

GOOD DAUGHTER. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, THIS IS HIGH QUALITY.

OH, YEAH!

DVDs, BABY!

DIGITAL VIDEO...

DYNAMITE.

THIS RESOLUTION IS PERFECT.

OH, THE COLORS ARE SO ALIVE.

IT'S LEPRECHAUN 2.

WHOA, WHOA, CHECK THIS OUT.

THERE'S A BONUS AUDIO TRACK

WHERE YOU CAN HEAR
THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTS.

THE DIRECTOR OF LEPRECHAUN 2.

OOH, AND LOOK,

AT THE END YOU CAN SEE THE
ORIGINAL TRAILERS FOR THE MOVIE.

YOU'RE PAYING TO WATCH THE
COMMERCIALS FOR LEPRECHAUN 2!

DIGITALLY REMASTERED.

YEAH.

THE RESOLUTION OF
THIS DVD IS SO GOOD...

IT'S ALMOST A SHAME TO
WATCH THEM ON A SMALLISH TV.

IT'S LIKE LOOKIN'
AT THE MONA LISA

WHILE SOMEONE'S JABBING
A STICK IN YOUR EYE.

IS IT THAT BAD?

WE NEED A NEW TV!

PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE
OF CRAP IS GOIN' BACK.

NOTHING.

I'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU ASK,

AND WHAT DO I GET? NOTHING!

THAT'S IT!

BON VOYAGE.

IT'S OUT TO THE
LANDFILL WITH YOU!

Computer: WELCOME.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU HAVE MAIL.

I DO?

NO, MOM, I DON'T HAVE GRANDMA'S
RECIPE FOR APPLE PAN DOWDY.

LOOK, EVERY TIME THIS BEEPER
GOES OFF, I THINK YOU'RE DEAD,

AND I'M STARTING
TO GET DISAPPOINTED.

NO, MOM, I'M
KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

BYE.

THE HELL I AM!

OH, MY GOD.

ART, SCIENCE, PHILOSOPHY.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, DICK?

I-I'M ON-LINE!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS?

THE WORLD WIDE WEB.

THE ENTIRE PLANET
IS AT MY FINGERTIPS.

HMM, GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR ALL OF US.

WE'VE SPENT ALL THIS TIME

TRYING TO GET
CLOSER TO HUMANITY,

AND NOW WE HAVE INSTANT ACCESS

TO EVERY CULTURE ON EARTH!

EXCEPT THE FRENCH.

AH! THERE THEY ARE!

LUCKY US.

[SINGING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM]

YOU KNOW, DICK, IF WE'RE GONNA
MAKE IT TO DINNER, WE BETTER GO NOW.

EVERY PLACE IS GONNA
BE CLOSED IN AN HOUR.

I'M SORRY, MARY. I...
I CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

WHY?

I HAVE A WHOLE WORLD TO EXPLORE.

RICHES TO UNEARTH.

AND IN 15 MINUTES,
THERE'S AN ON-LINE CHAT

WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT,

AND NO WAY AM I MISSING THAT!

[1812 OVERTURE PLAYS]

MMM!

NOW, THIS IS A TELEVISION!

OH, GOD.

LOOK HOW BIG EVERYTHING IS.

THAT VIOLIN LOOKS LIKE A CELLO.

NO, THAT IS A CELLO.

OH, I WAS WONDERING
WHY THAT DUDE

WAS PLAYING THE
VIOLIN BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

COME ON, HARRY. WE'RE
GONNA BE LATE FOR THE CLINIC.

I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO THE STUPID CLINIC.

HARRY,

FACE IT, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

I AM NOT IMPOTENT.

HELLO, ALISSA.

HOW'S SCHOOL?

GOOD.

THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH.

Dick: AND SO YOU SEE,

THAT BY UTILIZING
A VISCOUS BARRIER,

WE MINIMIZE BONDING
BETWEEN ANY 2 SUBSTANCES.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND FRICTION,

AND I...

HAVE A NICE OMELET.

ANY QUESTIONS?

UM...

WHY ARE YOU ON A COMPUTER?

MY ACTUAL PRESENCE
IS NO LONGER NECESSARY

IN THE LEARNING PROCESS.

THIS IS MY NEW LIVE WEBCAM

IT'S ON ME 24 HOURS A DAY.

NOW, ANYBODY CAN LOG ON.

YOU CAN WATCH ME
DO ALMOST EVERYTHING,

AND, UH, FOR A SMALL FEE...

EVERYTHING.

NOW, WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO NOW

IS TAKE AN AGGRESSIVE APPROACH

BY RUNNING AN EXTENSIVE
BATTERY OF TESTS ON YOU, HARRY.

DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?

IT DOESN'T SOUND GREAT.

YOU JUST RELAX.

DRINK THIS SOLUTION, AND I'LL BE
BACK IN A MINUTE FOR THE X-RAY.

LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S JUST KOOL-AID.

KOOL-AID WITH
RADIOACTIVE TRACERS.

HARRY, LISTEN TO ME. WE'RE
GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.

YOU KNOW THAT DR. HOWARD?

HE'S GOT THIS LITTLE TINY CAMERA

THAT HE CAN SEND
STRAIGHT UP YOUR...

OK, THAT'S IT!

NO MORE SPECIALISTS,

NO MORE EQUIPMENT,

AND NO MORE
RADIOACTIVE KOOL-AID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, BABY.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT DOCTORS

OR MEDICINE.

IT'S ABOUT YOU AND ME, BABY...

2 PEOPLE IN LOVE.

YOU'RE HURTING ME.

YEAH!

NOW, IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE A BABY,

WE'RE GONNA DO
IT THE NATURAL WAY.

OH, HARRY.

VICKI, I SUGGEST YOU JOIN ME

UP HERE ON THIS
BUTCHER PAPER RIGHT NOW.

YEAH!

AND GET IT, AND GET IT...

YOU SEE, ALISSA, THE
PROBLEM WASN'T THE TV.

THE PROBLEM WAS WE
DIDN'T HAVE DOLBY 6-SPEAKER

DIGITAL SURROUND-SOUND.

STUPID!

BUT NOW...

WE HAVE EVERYTHING.

OK.

HOLD ON.

[ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT THEME PLAYS]

OK.

WE'RE AT 30% VOLUME.

[MUSIC LOUDER]

40%.

50%.

AHHH!

STOP IT!

WHOOOOOAAA!

I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT

AT CARNEGIE FREAKIN' HALL.

AWESOOOOMMME!

TURN IT DOWN!

HOW LOUD DO YOU NEED TO HEAR

THAT IT'S MARY
STEENBURGEN'S BIRTHDAY?

LOUDER?

WE DID IT.

WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE
HOME THEATER SYSTEM!

YEAH! YEAH!

HA!

EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH
DID ALL OF THIS COST?

HOW MUCH DID IT COST?

NO MONEY DOWN, BABY.

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COST.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

NO PAYMENTS TILL
THE FOURTH OF JULY.

UH-HUH!

THEN HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

$45,000.

PACK IT UP.

THIS PIECE OF CRAP'S GOING BACK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Sally: DICK.

WE'RE GOING TO THE TASTE OF
RUTHERFORD'S STREET FESTIVAL.

YOU COMING?

COMING?

I'M ALREADY THERE.

THERE'S A LIVE VIDEO STREAM

FROM THE ROOF OF THE BANK.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHILI
BOOTH IS THE PLACE TO BE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Tommy: DICK, WE'RE
GOING TO A MOVIE.

DON'T BOTHER ME. I'M
PERFORMING VIRTUAL SURGERY.

FINE.

OH! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

SUCTION!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Mary: DICK, ARE YOU IN THERE?

JUST SLIDE THE PIZZA
UNDER THE DOOR, PLEASE.

OH, MY GOD, DICK!

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
TO WORK IN 3 DAYS.

YOUR FAMILY IS SO
CONCERNED THEY CALLED ME.

THEY NEVER DO THAT.

AHH, MY FAMILY.

YES. SALLY, HARRY,
AND THE LITTLE ONE.

HOW ARE THEY?

AGAIN, THEY'RE CONCERNED.

DICK... I THINK YOU
NEED A LITTLE FRESH AIR.

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE.

I CAN'T ALLOW THAT
TO HAPPEN, MARY.

GET UP!

OW!

WHOO!

YOU'VE MADE ME SO ANGRY, MARY.

OH, GO TO HELL!

OH...

SO BRIGHT.

WHAT THE...

HEY, MISTER, THAT'S MY FRISBEE.

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

YEAH.

I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN.

THERE ARE REAL
PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.

CAN I HAVE MY FRISBEE?

GO LONG, YOUNG MAN.

GO LONG!

[GLASS BREAKS]

NICE THROW, YA FREAK!

WHAT AN ENCHANTING BOY.

THERE IT IS, HARRY.

WE HAD THAT ONE.

SWEET MOTHER!

THERE'S A PICTURE
IN THE PICTURE!

LOOK, EVERYBODY!

I'M ALIVE!

OHH!

IT'S WONDERFUL.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

OHH!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

THIS IS AMAZING.

I CAN SMELL YOU.

DICK!

DICK, YOU'RE OUT.

SALLY, HARRY, TOMMY.

OHH! OHH! OHH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M RETURNING $60,000
WORTH OF MERCHANDISE

TO YOU...

MY BROTHER!

I'M ON LUNCH.

SALLY, I'VE MADE SUCH A MISTAKE.

I THOUGHT ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY

WOULD HELP ME WRAP MY
ARMS AROUND HUMANKIND.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

ALL IT GAVE ME WAS A RAGING CASE

OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

SO WHAT ABOUT BEING CONNECTED
TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB?

I WASN'T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING.

I WAS SEPARATED.

AND THAT'S NOT WHAT WE
CAME TO THIS PLANET FOR.

THAT'S WHAT TECHNOLOGY DOES.

TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL!

DICK, JUST BECAUSE
YOU WENT NUTS,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
ALL TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL.

OF COURSE IT DOES.

WHAT ABOUT, UH...

MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY?

MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY IS OK.

OK, UH, WHAT ABOUT THE COMPUTERS

THAT MAKE SURE
AIRPLANES DON'T CRASH?

THOSE I LIKE. BUT THAT'S IT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE MACHINE

THAT PUTS THE CREAMY
FILLING IN THE CUPCAKES?

HARRY, NO!

I'VE ALREADY DRAWN THE LINE.

OH... WHO AM I KIDDING?

I'M NOT GONNA MANUALLY INJECT
CREAM INTO MY OWN CUPCAKES.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CRAZY.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

YES!

I AM QUITE LIVID!

IT'S BEAUTIFUL
OUT HERE, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

THIS IS THE WAY IT
SHOULD BE, MARY.

JUST YOU AND ME AND
THE STARS AND THE TREES

AND NOTHING COMING BETWEEN US.

[BEEPER BEEPS]

OH, GREAT! HOW DO I
TURN THIS THING OFF?

HERE, LET ME SEE THAT.