3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 15 - The House That Dick Built - full transcript

♪ OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHAKA ♪

MAMA, TURN IT DOWN!

I'M ON A WORD SEARCH!

♪ ...DEEP INSIDE OF ME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ME
IN YOUR ARMS SO TIGHT ♪

♪ YOU LET ME KNOW
EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ I... I... I... I... I... ♪

♪ I'M HOOKED ON A FEELIN'... ♪

♪ I'M HIGH ON BELIEVIN' ♪
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

♪ THAT YOU'RE IN
LOVE WITH ME... ♪

OK... ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN.



OK. BYE.

WHO WAS THAT?

MY GIRLFRIEND.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

YEAH. ALISSA.

SINCE WHEN IS ALISSA
YOUR "GIRLFRIEND"?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN? WE
HANG OUT AT SCHOOL TOGETHER.

WE BOUGHT A PIZZA
TOGETHER. MY GIRLFRIEND.

IF YOU SAY SO.

LOOK, SHE JUST INVITED ME OVER
TO GO BABY-SITTING WITH HER.

WOULDN'T YOU SAY THAT
QUALIFIES AS A BOYFRIEND THING?

NOT IN THE CIRCLES I RUN IN, NO.

WELL, YOU'RE SUPER-WRONG, BECAUSE
ALISSA JUST HAPPENS TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

THAT'S RIGHT. SAY IT ENOUGH,



AND YOU MIGHT JUST
START BELIEVIN' IT.

I HATE YOU!

HELLO, SWEETNESS.

HELLO, VICKI.

LOOK WHAT I DID. I ORDERED
WAY TOO MUCH CHINESE FOOD.

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

I'M ALWAYS HUNGRY. [GROWLS]

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, HARRY.

YOU'RE A GOOD EATER, YET YOU
GOT A STOMACH LIKE A WASHBOARD.

YUP, AND A TUSH LIKE A SINK.

YOU GOT GOOD GENES, BABY.

THE KIND OF GENES THAT I WOULD
LIKE TO PASS ALONG TO MY CHILD.

HMM. YEAH. COULD
YOU PASS THE DIM SUM?

HARRY, YOU KNOW, I'M
NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

AND, LATELY, MY BIOLOGICAL
CLOCK IS JUST TICKIN'.

YEAH. COULD YOU PASS
ME SOME MOO SHOO?

HARRY...

I WANNA HAVE A BABY.

HAAA! HAAA!

[HACKING]

GOOD MORNING, ALL!

UH-HUH. MM.

WHAT'S WITH THE
CLASSIFIED, SALLY?

I'M GETTING MY OWN APARTMENT.

EXCUSE ME?

I'VE DECIDED I NEED
MY OWN SPACE.

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.

DICK, IT'S TIME.

IT'S NOT TIME.

AND WHAT'S MORE,
IT WILL NEVER BE TIME.

NOW, I'M GONNA LEAVE AND
COME BACK INTO THE ROOM,

AND WE'LL JUST START
THIS WHOLE DAY OVER AGAIN.

GOOD MORNING, ALL!

HEY. MORNING.

WHAT'S WITH THE
CLASSIFIED, SALLY?

I'M GETTING MY OWN APARTMENT?

YOU'RE WHAT?!

DICK, I NEED MY OWN SPACE!

OUT OF THE QUESTION! WE
ARE A UNIT! WE ARE ON A MISSION!

MY MISSION IS TO
FIGURE OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE AN ADULT HUMAN FEMALE,

AND I'M STILL LIVING WITH
MY MIDDLE-AGED BROTHER!

WHEN WE SPLIT UP,
WE RISK EXPOSURE.

HARRY, TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER.

I GOT A LOT ON MY MIND, DICK.

I'M THINKING ABOUT
HAVING A BABY WITH VICKI.

YOU'RE WHAT?!

DO YOU THINK THAT
LAMAZE IS THE WAY TO GO?

I WOULD SAY DRUGS.

ARE YOU INSANE?

WHAT WILL YOU DO
WHEN THE DOCTOR SAYS,

"CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S
AN 8-POUND PURPLE TUBE"?

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE STICKY.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS UNIT?

WE USED TO STICK TOGETHER.

NOW YOU'RE ALL GOING OFF
IN YOUR OWN DIRECTIONS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, TOMMY?

ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY
TO JOIN THE CIRCUS?

NO. I'M JUST GOING BABY-SITTING

WITH ALISSA, MY GIRLFRIEND.

KEEP DREAMIN'.

NOW STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!

I AM ISSUING A COMMAND DECISION.

NO ONE ON THIS
MISSION WILL BE DOING

ANY IMPREGNATING,
RELOCATING, OR BABY-SITTING

WITHOUT MY EXPRESS
WRITTEN CONSENT!

NOW, LET'S JUST TRY TO START
THIS DAY RIGHT, SHALL WE?

GOOD MORNING, ALL!

GOOD MORNING, JERK.

JACKASS! CREEP!

THAT'S BETTER.

HELLO. I SEE YOU HAVE
AN APARTMENT FOR RENT.

GREAT. NOW, A SALLY SOLOMON

MAY BE BY TODAY TO LOOK AT IT.

PLEASE, DON'T HOLD THE FACT THAT SHE
IS A CONVICTED ARSONIST AGAINST HER.

WHO AM I? I'M ONE OF HER
DRUNKEN AND UNRULY ROOMMATES.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, YEAH, THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CLIPPING SALLY'S WINGS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SALLY'S LOOKING
FOR HER OWN PLACE,

SO HE'S TRASHING HER NAME TO
EVERY APARTMENT MANAGER IN TOWN.

CONDOS, TOO.

PUT THAT PHONE DOWN!

COULD YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

DICK, PEOPLE GROW. YOU
CAN'T HOLD ON FOREVER.

WHEN I WENT TO PREP SCHOOL,

MY FATHER WOULDN'T LET GO.

HE VISITED ME EVERY WEEKEND.

HE WAS ALSO HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH THE SCHOOL NURSE.

BUT THE POINT IS
IT DROVE ME CRAZY,

AND IT JUST PUSHED
ME FARTHER AWAY.

YOU'RE DOING THE SAME THING.

MARY, YOU CAN'T COMPARE ME

TO YOUR MORALLY BANKRUPT FATHER.

MY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT.

VERY DIFFERENT.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL STOP THIS.

ALL RIGHT, I PROMISE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR HOLDING.

I'M WITH A LEADING
COLOMBIAN DRUG CARTEL.

YES, AND I'M SCOUTING APARTMENTS

FOR ONE OF MY
MULES... SALLY SOLOMON.

DICK! MUCHAS GRACIAS.

I'VE STOPPED, I'VE STOPPED.

HARRY, YOU KNOW
WHAT? I'VE BEEN THINKING.

IF IT'S A GIRL, IT'LL
LOOK JUST LIKE ME,

AND IF IT'S A BOY, IT'LL
LOOK JUST LIKE YOU.

WHAT IF IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING
YOU NEVER SEEN BEFORE?

NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT DOES HAPPEN.

MY SISTER HAD A BABY THAT
LOOKED JUST LIKE MY BOYFRIEND.

IT WAS WEIRD, WEIRD.

I'M JUST NOT SURE
THAT THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

OH, HARRY, SEE, THAT'S
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU STRONG
AND SEXY, BUT YOU'RE A WORRIER.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A GREAT DADDY.

YEAH. I'LL BE A GREAT DADDY.

I LIKE KIDS. LIKE
PLAYING WITH KIDS.

I JUST HOPE THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE.

OK, NOW, HERE'S THE NUMBER
WHERE WE'RE GONNA BE.

HERE'S THE CAR PHONE NUMBER,

AND MY SISTER'S
NUMBER'S ON THE FRIDGE.

DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

HI.

OH, MR. AND MRS.
WHEELER, THIS IS TOMMY.

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOMMY.

NOW, YOU'VE GOT
THE NUMBERS, RIGHT?

SHE'S GOT THE NUMBERS. OK, GOOD.

COME ON, LET'S GO. BYE-BYE, NOW.

SO, UH, HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

SO, UH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

THAT, UM, YOU
INTRODUCED ME AS "TOMMY."

UH... YEAH.

JUST "TOMMY"?

UH-HUH.

INTERESTING.

WOULD YOU PREFER,
LIKE, "THE T-MAN"?

WELL, I JUST...

I DON'T WANT THE
WHEELERS TO BE WORRYING

ALL NIGHT ABOUT WHO I AM.

YOU KNOW, "IS HE
HER BROTHER TOMMY?

"HER LAB PARTNER TOMMY?

"HER DANCE INSTRUCTOR TOMMY?

HER BOYFRIEND TOMMY? HER
DANCE INSTRUCTOR TOMMY?"

DANCE INSTRUCTOR?

YEAH. I DABBLE IN JAZZ FUSION.

IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.
LET'S WATCH TV.

GOOD NIGHT. I'LL SEE
YOU MONDAY. GOOD NIGHT.

DICK! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

OR I MIGHT JUST STAY AND WATCH.

I'VE CALLED EVERY RENTAL
AGENCY IN THIS ENTIRE TOWN.

THEY'VE ALL HUNG UP ON ME!

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD WORK
ON YOUR TELEPHONE ETIQUETTE.

ALBRIGHT, YOU LIVE BY YOURSELF.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

I WAS JUST LEAVING.

IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

PLEASE, JUST SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, I HAVE GOTTEN
TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE

WHERE I FEEL I DON'T HAVE TO
LIVE WITH MY FAMILY ANYMORE,

AND I'D REALLY LIKE
YOUR OPINION ON THAT.

MARY, TELL HER SHE'S WRONG.

SALLY, NO. EVERY
TIME I GIVE YOU ADVICE,

IT BLOWS UP IN MY FACE.

WHAT? NAME ONE TIME.

I CAN NAME 5!

I CAN NAME 7. OH, I CAN NAME 10.

I CAN NAME 12. I DON'T CARE!

LOOK, ALBRIGHT...

DOCTOR ALBRIGHT...

YOU LIVE BY YOURSELF.

I COULD DO THAT, RIGHT?

NO COMMENT.

SO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I REFER YOU TO MY LAST RESPONSE.

MARY, YOU CAN PROVIDE A
PREPONDERANCE OF EVIDENCE

THAT PROVES WHAT A
FRIGHTENING RESPONSIBILITY

LIVING ALONE IS.

IN ORDER TO DO THAT, WE
WOULD HAVE TO DETERMINE

WHAT THE MEANING
OF THE WORD "IS" IS.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK...

WOULD YOU, IN A MILLION YEARS,

LIVE IN AN ATTIC WITH
DICK, TOMMY, AND HARRY?

WELL, I REALLY THINK
THAT'S A MATTER OF...

ANSWER THE QUESTION, PLEASE.

I WOULD RATHER LIVE IN A
BOX BEHIND THE 7-ELEVEN.

OH, DAMN!

HA HA! AREN'T
BABIES CUTE, HARRY?

OH, LOOK, THERE'S ME!

I HAD JUST LEARNED TO WALK.

AND YOU'RE IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT!

I WAS "LITTLE MISS BOWL-A-RAMA."

AWW!

SHUT UP! THE SITUATIONS
ARE NOT COMPARABLE!

DICK, I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND!

HARRY, GET AWAY
FROM THAT STRUMPET!

I'M DOING YOUR JOB
HERE. YOU KNOW THAT.

OUT! OUT! OUT!

BOY, YOUR BROTHER'S
GOT SOME CONTROL ISSUES.

HE'S A FREAK!

HE WON'T EVEN LET
ME GET MY OWN PLACE.

THERE'S A ROOM OVER THE
GARAGE I USED TO RENT OUT.

WHAT? MAMA, THAT
PLACE IS CONDEMNED.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST
ASBESTOS AND BAD WIRING.

NOTHING A LITTLE
PAINT WON'T FIX.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS PLACE.

WELL... THIS IS IT.

[LONG GASP]

OH, WOW!

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS PLACE.

NOW, THERE'S NO KITCHEN.

WHICH MEANS NO DISHES, HUH?

OH, MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT!

I KNOW... RAT
DROPPINGS. I'M SORRY.

NO... A WINDOW!

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
THERE'D BE A WINDOW.

WHAT A GREAT
PLACE TO PUT A HOLE!

OK, DUBIE...

HOW MUCH ARE YOU
CHARGING FOR THIS PLACE?

MMM... 75 A MONTH.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OK, 60.

I'LL TAKE IT!

I PREFER CASH.

HEY, WHAT SAY WE TACK
THIS ONTO DICK'S BILL?

WELL, SURE. IN THAT
CASE, IT'S 75. OK.

"GOOD NIGHT, STARS,
GOOD NIGHT, AIR,

GOOD NIGHT, NOISES
EVERYWHERE. GOOD NIGHT, MOON."

GOOD NIGHT.

AHEM! SO, HOW DO YOU
KNOW THE WHEELERS?

OH, UM, MR. WHEELER'S
MY MOM'S BOSS.

SO, IF SHE SAW HIM WALKING
IN THE HALLS AT WORK,

SHE'D SAY, "HEY, THERE'S
MY BOSS, MR. WHEELER."

I GUESS.

OK. SO, IF YOU SAW...

ME... WALKING ALONG IN THE
HALLS AT SCHOOL, YOU'D SAY...

"HI, TOMMY."

RIGHT, RIGHT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

THEY'RE BACK ALREADY?

LET'S SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR.

OH, MY GOD! IT'S A
COUPLE OF SCARY WEIRDOS.

YEAH. THAT'S MY UNCLE
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HELLO. WE UNDERSTAND
THERE'S A BABY ON THE PREMISES.

AND THERE HE IS! OH! OH!

WOOJIE, WOOJIE, WOOJIE,
WOOJIE! CUTE THING.

TAKE HIM. WHAT?

YOU'LL LIKE HIM. YOU'LL SEE.

ARE YOU SURE? YOU'LL LIKE IT.

AHH... HIYA, HON.

SO... YOU TWO KIDS
THINKING OF HAVING KIDS?

COME ON, DICK. IT'S
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT.

NO, I'M NOT HUNGRY.

YOU CAN EAT THE
REST OF WHAT I CAN EAT.

COME ON, CHEER UP, DICK.

SALLY WANTS HER OWN
SPACE? LET HER HAVE IT.

YOU GOTTA ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

LOOK AT ME. I'VE MOVED ON.

SALLY GAVE ME THE OLD HEAVE-HO,

AND HERE I AM, ABOUT TO PUT
THIS PLACE OUT OF BUSINESS!

I CAN'T. I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A
WAY TO GET HER TO COME BACK.

I KNOW. YOU'RE
CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY.

OH, THAT'S A LAUGH.

LOOK, SALLY MAY
BE A TOUGH COOKIE,

BUT IN A LOT OF WAYS, SHE'S NAIVE,
AND THAT MAKES HER VULNERABLE...

EASY PICKIN'S FOR ANY RAT-BASTARD
PSYCHO WITH A GOOD HAIRCUT!

STILL HAVE FEELINGS
FOR HER, EH, DON?

MAYBE.

MORE SHRIMP HERE, JOHNNY!

IF SALLY ONLY UNDERSTOOD THE
WORKINGS OF THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT,

SHE'D MOVE BACK IN A HEARTBEAT.

CRIMINAL ELEMENT?

EXACTLY HOW DOES THIS
CRIMINAL ELEMENT WORK?

IT'S THE USUAL STORY.

SHE COMES HOME TIRED AND
FORGETS TO CLOSE THE BLINDS.

SHE PUTS ON A TEDDY AND
PARADES IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.

SUDDENLY, THERE'S
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

IS IT PIZZA?

NO!

IT'S DR. NEFARIOUS IN A
SKI MASK AND A HATCHET!

SHE'S SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF,

BUT NOBODY CAN HEAR HER
BECAUSE OF THE TRAIN PASSING!

CLICKETY-CLACK!
CLICKETY-CLACK! CLICKETY-CLACK!

WHOO-WHOOOOO!

HUHN! HUHN! HUHN!

AAAAAAH!

NOT A PRETTY PICTURE...
BUT IT COULD HAPPEN.

YOU'RE RIGHT, DON.

IN FACT, I CAN ALMOST
GUARANTEE THAT IT WILL HAPPEN!

SO...

YOU WANT ME TO GO
BUY Y'ALL SOME WINE?

NO, THAT'S OK.

THEY PROBABLY GOT
PLENTY AROUND HERE.

SO, UM...

YOU EVER BEEN TO VEGAS?

LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE
NEW STAR WARS MOVIE?

NOTHIN'!

WELL, HARRY, YOU
CAN'T JUST TALK TO HIM

WHILE HE SITS THERE.

YOU GOTTA,

YOU GOTTA PICK HIM UP
AND PLAY WITH HIM, SEE?

GO AHEAD. YOU'LL FEEL IT.

WELL, I DON'T FEEL
IT, BUT I SURE SMELL IT.

AND NOW I FEEL IT.

HERE. LET ME TAKE HIM.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW, LISTEN,

Y'ALL JUST GO ON AND
GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM.

WE'LL HOLD THE
FORT DOWN HERE, OK?

ARE YOU SURE?

GO ON! GO ON! HAVE FUN
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

OK.

WAIT. DID YOU HEAR
WHAT SHE JUST SAID?

LOOK, WILLIAM'S GOT
A LOAD IN HIS DIAPER,

AND IF SHE WANTS TO DEAL
WITH IT, THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

NO, NO, NO. BEFORE, BEFORE.

SHE SPECIFICALLY REFERRED
TO ME AS YOUR, UM...

YOU KNOW...

BOYFRIEND?

MM-HMM.

SO?

SO NOTHING. THAT'S
GREAT. LET'S GO.

IN YOUR FACE, MAN!

[RATTLE]

UH...

AHEM.

WHO'S THERE?

[CAT SCREECHES]

[SIGHS]

IT'S JUST A CAT.

IT'S JUST A CAT.

OK.

[HUMMING]

LIEUTENANT!

LIEUTENANT!

WHAT?

IT'S ME!

I KNOW!

STOP CHOKING ME!

THAT'S AN ORDER!

JESUS, DICK!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

I CAME HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW
VULNERABLE YOU ARE LIVING ALONE.

AND DID YOU?

YES!

EXCEPT FOR THE VULNERABLE PART.

DICK!

LIEUTENANT, WE BELONG TOGETHER!

YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE UNIT!

I AM NOT LEAVING THE UNIT!

I JUST NEED MY OWN SPACE.

I WANT THE HAIR IN
THE SINK TO BE MINE.

YEAH, BUT YOU WON'T
BE UNDER MY ROOF.

I'M NOT THAT FAR AWAY.

LOOK, WHEN I OPEN MY DOOR,

I CAN SEE RIGHT INTO
TOMMY'S BEDROOM.

YOU CAN?

OH, MY GOD.

HE HAS NO PRIVACY AT ALL.

I'M GONNA BE OK, DICK.

I'VE LEARNED A LOT.

WELL, YOU'VE HAD A GOOD TEACHER.

I GUESS I BETTER GO
DEAL WITH HARRY NOW.

HIGH COMMANDER...

PROCEED WITH
CARE AND DISCIPLINE.

YOUR COUNSEL HAS
BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED.

HELLO!

HOWDY!

RRR RRR RRR!

AMAZING!

200 TIMES, AND HE
STILL THINKS IT'S FUNNY.

AND FOR SOME REASON, SO DO I.

HONEY, YOU CAN STOP NOW.

RRRR! I MEAN IT!

OK.

HEY, LITTLE ONE, LOOK AT YOU.

OH, YEAH.

BOY, BET YOU'RE
GONNA BE SOMETHING

WHEN YOU GROW UP, HUH?

POSTAL WORKER...

TOLL BOOTH OPERATOR...

OR MAYBE EVEN THE PRESIDENT...

OF A FAN CLUB.

OH, I ENVY YOUR PARENTS.

VICKI.

YEAH?

I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR AVERAGE GUY.

BUT I DESERVE AS MUCH
HAPPINESS AS THE NEXT GUY.

OH, HARRY!

OH, VICKI!

HARRY, STOP IT THIS INSTANT!

DICK, DIDN'T YOU
EVER LEARN TO KNOCK?

I'M WARNING YOU, HARRY,

IF YOU CONTINUE WITH
THIS FOOLHARDY ESCAPADE

AND IMPLANT THIS
EMPTY RECEPTACLE

WITH YOUR COSMIC SEED,

YOU WILL NO LONGER ENJOY
THE PROTECTION OF OUR UNIT.

ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR YOUR FAMILY?

NO!

ALTHOUGH YOU'RE NOT.

HARRY KNOWS WHAT I MEAN.

SO WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?

DICK...

WOULD YOU PLEASE HOLD
WILLIAM FOR A SECOND?

VICKI...

LET'S MAKE A BABY!

YAHOO! YEAH!

WE'RE HOME!

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER

PRODUCTIONS AND THE
NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?

I'M ENTERING HARRY'S BREACH
OF CONDUCT INTO THE LOGBOOK.

WHAT'D HE DO?

NEVER MIND.

OH, WHAT'S HAPPENED HERE?

THIS MORNING WE
WERE ALL TOGETHER,

AND NOW LOOK AT US.

SALLY'S LIVING IN A GARAGE,

AND HARRY'S WITH THAT VICKI.

IT'S THOSE DAMN DUBCEKS.

OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS
IN ALL THE WORLD,

WHY DID WE HAVE TO
MOVE INTO THIS ONE?

WELL, IT WAS THE
FIRST PLACE WE LOOKED.

THAT'S TRUE.

YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT
BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP,

I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR,

SOMETIMES FOR HOURS...

AND I COMMEND MYSELF

FOR HOW WELL I'VE
KEPT THIS UNIT TOGETHER.

BUT TONIGHT I SEE ONLY FAILURE.

I'M A BAD HIGH COMMANDER.

OH, YOU'RE AN EXCELLENT
HIGH COMMANDER.

IT'S A VERY DIFFICULT PLANET.

YOU KNOW, HUMANS GROW.

IT MAKES OTHER HUMANS HURT.

IT'S EARTH.

YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH?

DICK, I'M THE OLDEST.

WHEN YOU GET TO BE MY AGE,

YOU JUST KNOW THINGS.

ARE YOU GONNA BE OK?

MM-HMM.

OH, COME HERE, LITTLE BUDDY.

COME ON. IT'S OK.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

TOMMY?

ALISSA.

YOU LEFT YOUR BAG
AT THE WHEELERS'.

UH...

I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE THIS
AND YOU ALONE WITH DAD

AND WHATEVER THE
HELL IT IS YOU'RE DOING.

GET OFF MY LAP!

ALISSA, LOOK, HE'S
NOT REALLY MY DAD!

HE'S JUST SOME
GUY I'M LIVING WITH!

NO, NO, NO! ALISSA!

TIME PASSES SO QUICKLY HERE.

YOU'RE PUT ON THIS PLANET,

YOU ASSUME A LIFE,

YOUR LITTLE
SUBORDINATES NEED YOU

AND ARE ALWAYS UNDERFOOT,

ALL ASS AND ELBOWS.

THEN ONE DAY, THEY LEAVE,

AND YOU'RE SITTING
ALONE WORRYING

AND WONDERING HOW THEY'RE DOING.

WELL, I'LL FIND OUT. HEY,
HARRY, HOW YOU DOIN'?

Harry: OUTSTANDING!

SALLY, HOW ARE YOU?

Sally: AW, SHUT UP!

IT FEELS SO GOOD WHEN THEY CALL.