3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 8 - A Friend in Dick - full transcript
Before they broke up Mary and Dick reserved tickets for a dance performance by Peter Connelly and now Dick has to find somebody else to go with. Without any friends, that's easier said then done. Harry goes to night school because all the job offers in the newspaper ask for diplomas. After Seth tells Sally he really hates Connelly's work and feels pity for the people who like it, Sally lures Connelly into the café were Seth works so he can tell Connelly off. This doesn't work out the way Sally figured it would.
HARRY, IS THERE ANY CEREAL LEFT?
NOPE.
GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE SOME TOAST.
NO TOAST, EITHER.
OH, AND WE'RE ALSO
COMPLETELY OUT OF BREAD.
GOOD MORNING!
GOOD MORNING.
NO, I TELL A LIE. IT'S
A GREAT MORNING,
AND IT WILL CULMINATE IN
AN EVEN GREATER EVENING,
FOR TONIGHT MARY AND I...
WILL ATTEND KING OF THE JIG,
STARRING IRISH TAP-DANCING
SENSATION PETER CONNELLY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
MY DELICIOUS COFFEE?
[ENGLISH ACCENT] YOU SHOULD
REALLY GET YOURSELF A BEAN GRINDER.
THIS CANNED STUFF'S INTOLERABLE.
OH!
I'M GONNA GO AND HAVE A SMOKE.
SALLY, IT APPEARS THAT YOUR NEW
BOYFRIEND HAS BOGARTED MY COFFEE.
YEAH. SOMETHING TELLS ME
HE ATE ALL OUR CEREAL, TOO.
YEAH? SO?
[ENGLISH ACCENT] WE
SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.
HE GOT A LITTLE HUNGRY.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?
NO, WE WERE
DISCUSSING HIS WRITING.
HE IS AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. A STARVING ARTIST.
OH, HARRY, THAT
WAS PRETTY CLEVER.
YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT THIS GUY
HAS DONE TO YOU, SALLY.
YOU'RE BROODY AND MOODY,
AND YOUR HAIR
LOOKS LIKE... LIKE...
LIKE WHAT?
DOODY.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU AND YOUR IVORY TOWER,
HURLING DOWN YOUR
WISDOM McNUGGETS
DIPPED IN THE SPECIAL
SAUCE OF THE ESTABLISHMENT.
[MUTTERING]
NOW HANG ON THERE, MISSY.
I COMMAND YOU TO DROP
THAT RIDICULOUS ACCENT.
WHAT ACCENT? THE
BAD ENGLISH ONE.
I DON'T HAVE TO
DO A THING YOU...
LIEUTENANT.
OKEY-DOKEY.
SO, MARY, WHAT TIME
SHOULD I PICK YOU UP
FOR KING OF THE JIG?
I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.
BUT WE MADE OUR
PLANS 3 MONTHS AGO.
WE BROKE UP.
JUDITH AND I
ALREADY GOT TICKETS.
AND I AM NOT LEAVING THAT
THEATER WITHOUT A SWEATY SCARF.
WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
BRING ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?
MY FRIENDS?
OH, OH...
YES, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S SO MANY.
CHOOSING ONE COULD
RESULT IN HURT FEELINGS.
IRONICALLY, I MIGHT END UP
LOSING FRIENDS OVER THIS.
MAYBE WE'LL SEE YOU THERE.
MM, YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
YEAH, WITH ONE OF MY
MANY, MANY FRIENDS!
NINA...
NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?
IT SHOULD BE A GREAT SHOW.
I TOLD YOU, MY NAME
IS DICK SOLOMON.
YOU MADE A DELIVERY AT MY
OFFICE A FEW MONTHS BACK.
YES, I SIGNED YOUR
ELECTRONIC CLIPBOARD,
AND YOU MADE A NICE COMMENT
ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY PACKAGE.
HELLO? HELLO?!
OHH!
[NORMAL VOICE AGAIN]
OH, NO. IS THAT BAYWATCH?
IT'S NOT BAYWATCH.
IT'S BAYWATCH NIGHTS.
SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IT'S COLDER AT NIGHT.
[CLICK] THERE!
THERE'S SOMETHING
TO FEED YOUR SOULS.
MMM... HEY!
SHE WILL KILL YOU.
SO YOU WANNA GO ROLLER-BLADING?
OH, I DON'T HAVE
ANY ROLLER BLADES.
HOW ABOUT A VIDEO GAME?
OH, HARRY HAS YAHTZEE!
YAHTZEE!
NO OFFENSE, SOLOMON,
BUT THIS PLACE SUCKS.
HEY! YOU! WHAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME
FOR A NIGHT AT THE THEATER?
NO.
THIS IS SO ODD.
I CAN'T FIND ANYONE
WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME
FOR KING OF THE JIG.
ONE COULD DRAW THE
MISTAKEN CONCLUSION THAT...
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
[DERISIVELY] KING OF THE JIG.
PETER CONNELLY'S STRIP-MINING
AN ENTIRE CULTURE FOR PROFIT.
THAT IS SO TRUE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I NEED MONEY FOR ROLLER BLADES.
ROLLER BLADES?
YEAH, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS
ALL MY FRIENDS SEEM TO HAVE.
ARE THINGS REALLY GONNA
BRING YOU HAPPINESS, TOMMY?
YEAH.
THAT SADDENS ME.
GREAT, TOMMY.
YOU MADE HIM SAD.
YOU HAPPY?
COME ON, DICK,
LET'S SEE THE WALLET.
NO, TOMMY, YOU'LL HAVE
TO GET YOUR OWN MONEY.
I'M STRETCHED THIN JUST
COVERING THE BARE ESSENTIALS:
FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER,
AND THEATER TICKETS.
YEAH, TOMMY, YOU WANT MONEY...
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO GET A JOB.
HARRY, TOMMY HAS A JOB.
YEAH. I GO TO SCHOOL.
OH. THEN MAYBE I
SHOULD GO GET A JOB.
OH, MAN.
GOOD EVENING.
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE
NEED A TICKET FOR THE SHOW?
WE HAVE TICKETS.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
WELL, WHAT IF I
KNOCKED OFF 5 BUCKS?
10 BUCKS?
I'M INSANE! THIS TICKET MUST GO!
HI, DICK.
HELLO, MARY, JUDITH.
I-I'M JUST WAITING
HERE FOR MY FRIEND.
WELL, I HOPE THEY GET HERE SOON.
THEY'RE GOING TO CLOSE
THE DOORS IN 5 MINUTES.
BEAR IN MIND:
NO ONE WILL BE SEATED
ONCE PETER CONNELLY'S
SHIRT COMES OFF.
[GASP]
WHO NEEDS TICKETS?!
TICKETS HERE!
GET YOUR RED-HOT TICKETS!
CUT-PRICE TICKETS HERE!
HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
OH, OH, NO. NOTHING ILLEGAL
IS GOING ON HERE, OFFICER.
I JUST BOUGHT AN EXTRA TICKET,
AND I'M TRYING TO UNLOAD IT.
YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY,
FOR A NICE PROFIT.
SCALPING TICKETS
IS A MISDEMEANOR.
COME WITH ME.
WAIT A SECOND, UH...
IT'S OK, RICO. HE'S A FRIEND.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. DON'S
A FRIEND OF MINE.
DON AND I ARE FRIENDS.
MY FRIEND DON.
ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU
BACK AT THE STATION, DON.
SO, DON, I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET.
IT'S YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.
AN EXTRA TICKET, HUH? I
HEAR IT'S A PRETTY GOOD SHOW.
PRETTY GOOD? THE RUTHERFORD
BUGLE CALLS IT "TAP-LICIOUS."
WELL, I SUPPOSE CRIME COULD
STRIKE INSIDE THE THEATER
JUST AS WELL AS
IT COULD OUT HERE.
LOOK AT ABE LINCOLN.
LET'S GO!
AH! GOOD NEWS.
THE FALAFEL CONNECTION
NEEDS A NIGHT MANAGER.
HARRY, YOU GO TO BED AT 8:00.
BESIDES, THIS JOB REQUIRES
A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
WELL, THAT'S DISCRIMINATION.
MAN, YOU NEED DIPLOMAS
FOR ALL THESE JOBS.
YEAH, WHICH I
DON'T GOT. LET'S EAT.
HEY, WAIT.
YOU ARE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL
AND GET A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
HUH? NO.
NOOO.
NOOOO! OH, FORGET IT.
I DON'T WANNA.
AH, HARRY, COME ON.
LET'S GO SIGN YOU UP.
YOU SEE, YOU GOTTA THINK OF
A DIPLOMA AS AN INVESTMENT.
YEAH. AN INVESTMENT
IN YOUR ROLLER BLADES.
AH, YOU SEE? YOU'RE
LEARNING ALREADY.
[APPLAUSE WITHIN]
WHOO!
WHOO!
WHOO! HUH! HUH! HUH!
HO! HO! HO! HO!
OH, GOD! OH, THAT WAS THE MOST
SPECTACULAR THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
OH, WAS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?
OH, YES, MY FRIEND AND I
WERE JUST DISCUSSING IT.
MARY, JUDITH, YOU
REMEMBER DON ORVILLE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
DICK, I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU AND DON
WERE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS...
THE COLLEGE PROFESSOR
AND POLICE OFFICER,
IT'S A SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE,
BUT WHEN WE DO FIND THE TIME,
DON AND I ARE
PRACTICALLY INSEPARABLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
DONNY, OLD BOY?
NOT ENTIRELY.
HEY, WHAT ARE... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WR... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WRITE... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING
IN YOUR JOURNAL?
OH, HERE THEY
COME. RIGHT ON TIME.
PETER CONNELLY'S
OBEDIENT LITTLE SHEEP.
THEY'VE SAT THROUGH
HIS PUPPET SHOW,
PURCHASED HIS T-SHIRTS,
AND NOW THEY'RE HERE
TO DISCUSS THE EXPERIENCE
AND FEEL CULTURED.
OH, THAT'S PATHETIC.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
CONNELLY HAS THEM PROGRAMMED.
HE'S THE HEAD OF THE MONSTER.
THE HEAD OF THE MONSTER?
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HAVE
5 MINUTES ALONE WITH THAT PHONY.
WHY, WHAT WOULD
YOU DO TO HIM, SETH?
LET'S JUST SAY...
HE WOULD NEVER DANCE AGAIN.
OH, YEAH.
HA HA.
OH, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT.
YEAH.
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
HIM NOT DANCING, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M TRYING TO WRITE!
INCOMING!
YOU GET IT? 'CAUSE
WE'RE COMING IN, RIGHT?
HEH HEH HEH. AHH...
TURNS OUT PAINTBALL IS LOT MORE
FUN THAN I THOUGHT, HUH, DON?
WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TIE ME
DOWN AND DO ME EXECUTION-STYLE.
COME ON, I WAS JUST
PLAYING AROUND.
NO HARD FEELINGS. HEY...
FRIENDS?
FRIENDS.
LET ME BUY YOU A BEER.
HEY! 2 BEERS HERE.
I'D LIKE TO GET A COUPLE OF
RUTHERFORD RAILROAD STOUTS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY BREW
IT RIGHT HERE IN RUTHERFORD.
YEAH, THEY PUT A MICROBREWERY
IN THE OLD... BREWERY.
HEY, WE OUGHT TO GO
TAKE A TOUR SOMETIME.
YEAH. FREE SAMPLES. CAN'T
BEAT THAT WITH A STICK.
NO, SIR, YOU CAN'T.
AND YOU KNOW...
THE LADIES LOVE THE BEER.
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHO
ELSE LOVES THE BEER?
PATHETIC LONELY GUYS.
OK, ENOUGH OF THAT.
SO TOMORROW NIGHT I WAS
THINKING SUSHI AND THE DOG TRACK?
WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN, BUT
TOMORROW NIGHT'S NO GOOD FOR ME.
NO. YOU WORKING THE LATE SHIFT?
NO. OH, YOU GOT A HOT DATE?
NO, NO. WHO IS SHE?
COME ON, COME ON.
NO, NO... HEH HEH HEH.
NO, I'M GOING OUT
WITH MY BUDDY ERNIE.
WE'RE BOWLING A COUPLE OF GAMES
AND EATING SOME CHICKEN WINGS.
OH, OF COURSE. CHICKEN WINGS.
I'M SURE YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH YOUR BUDDY ERNIE.
SMOOTH.
DISAPPOINTING.
COME ON, HARRY.
IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL.
HOW DO I LOOK?
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT? MY BACKPACK.
YEAH. IT'S A BACKPACK.
YOU DON'T WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK.
JUST THROW IT OVER
YOUR SHOULDER.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE.
NIGHT SCHOOL IS THE SAME
THING AS REGULAR SCHOOL.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
IS IT'S AT NIGHT.
WHICH MAKES IT REALLY SPOOKY.
GRANTED. BUT THERE'S
ONLY A FEW THINGS
YOU NEED TO REMEMBER, YOU KNOW:
MAKE SURE THE TOUGH
GUYS THINK YOU'RE COOL,
GRAB A SEAT NEXT TO A BABE,
AND, UH, YOU KNOW, DON'T LET
THE TEACHER PUSH YOU AROUND.
OK. TOUGH, BABE, DON'T LET
THE TEACHER PUSH YOU AROUND.
IS THAT IT?
OH! YEAH, AND NEVER
PUT YOUR MOUTH
DIRECTLY ON THE
DRINKING FOUNTAIN.
BUT THAT'S HOW I DRINK
FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
NOT AT SCHOOL.
OK.
WELL...
HERE I GO.
OH, UH, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?
I'M SORRY.
NO! THE SNACK!
OH!
GREAT SHOW, PETER.
YOU KILLED OUT THERE.
EH, NOT AS GOOD AS THE
SHOW IN BRANSON, BUT, UH,
[HEELS CLICK] I'LL
CASH THE CHECK.
PETER CONNELLY!
EH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
REDHEAD FROM THE SECOND ROW?
SHE'S OUTSIDE.
GIVE HER A T-SHIRT
AND SEND HER HOME.
PETER, I'M SO SORRY TO
BURST IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T
CONTROL MYSELF.
EH! BOYS! WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE A WALK,
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOME OF THOSE
MENTHOL CIGARETTES I LIKE SO MUCH, EH?
EH! EH!
SO... WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN,
ME NOT-SO-WEE LASS?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?
[GASPS]
YOU STRIKE ME AS A
LADY WHO KNOWS...
[PATS CHAIR]
WHAT SHE WANTS.
WELL, PETER... [CLEARING THROAT]
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW
MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD?
TELL ME, BUTTERCUP.
COFFEE.
COFFEE?
YEAH. YOU KNOW, I
WANT TO BE WIDE AWAKE
IN CASE WE GO FOR A
RIDE ON THE OLD TOUR BUS.
EH! WELL, THEN,
BY ALL MEANS, LASS,
LET US... LATTé!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
I'LL HAVE A CAPPUCCINO.
ROOT BEER.
OHH.
WHAT?
IT'S NOT WHAT DON WOULD ORDER.
DON WOULD ORDER A MOCHA.
FINE. I'LL HAVE A MOCHA.
DON WOULD ORDER IT WITH GUSTO.
I'LL HAVE A MOCHA.
THAT'S TOO MUCH GUSTO.
WELL, HOW WOULD
DON SAY, "GET BENT"?
I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE'D SAY IT.
BY GOING OUT TO EAT CHICKEN
WINGS WITH HIS FRIEND ERNIE
AND LEAVING ME IN THE LURCH!
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THE CHECK HERE?
NO WONDER YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
I'M SORRY.
SAVE IT. DON'T EVER
LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
YOU BUMPED INTO ME.
I THINK I KNOW THAT!
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
NO. PLEASE SIT DOWN.
SO...
WHAT BRINGS YOU IN
HERE, PRETTY LADY?
[PURRING LIKE A TIGER]
OK, HAVE A SEAT RIGHT
OVER THERE, HONEY,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK?
DON'T MAKE ME COME AND GIT YA!
SETH!
SALLY, YOU LOOK SEXY.
WHAT?
IN A VERY STEREOTYPICAL
KIND OF WAY
THAT DOES NOTHING FOR ME.
SETH, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU.
WHAT?
IT'S THE HEAD OF THE
MONSTER HIMSELF,
PETER CONNELLY.
PETER CONNELLY? IS
HE HERE RIGHT NOW?
YEAH. WELL, LET HIM
HAVE IT. COME ON.
PETER CONNELLY.
YES.
OH, MY GOD, CAN I
HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?
THAT WASN'T THE SETH I KNOW!
SALLY, PLEASE!
I WAS MOCKING CONNELLY.
HE SIGNED YOUR SHOES.
YEAH.
THE SHOES OF A
MAN WHO HATES HIM.
HA HAH!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU'RE A FRAUD!
SALLY, THE WHOLE
CULTURE HERE'S A FRAUD.
I'M A FRAUD, YOU'RE A
FRAUD, LIFE'S A FRAUD.
YES, BUT YOU IN PARTICULAR
ARE A COMPLETE FRAUD!
GOD, WHEN I THINK OF
WHAT I GAVE UP FOR YOU.
I MEAN, MY FAMILY,
MY SELF-RESPECT,
MY HAIR-CARE REGIMEN!
HEY, JUST RELAX.
YOU'RE BEING STUPID.
THAT'S THE WRONG THING TO SAY.
JIG ON OUTTA HERE,
LOSER! GET OUT!
SO HE SAYS, "THEY'RE NOT TEFLON
BULLETS. THEY'RE DUM-DUMS."
DUM-DUMS.
HEH HEH...
DON.
DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THIS WAS OUR PLACE, DON.
I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE, ERNIE?
ERNIE.
NO.
SO THIS IS WHO YOU CHOOSE?
CHOOSE? CHOOSE TO HURT ME WITH.
UH, ERNIE'S A FRIEND OF
MINE FROM THE ACADEMY.
SO TELL ME, DON, WHAT
IS IT HE HAS THAT I DON'T?
A LEAF BLOWER?
OH!
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, MR. DON ORVILLE!
WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT IT IS
YOU WANT FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LET ME KNOW, HMM?
OH, AND ONE MORE THING:
YOU'RE A LOUSY DANCER!
I-I'M SORRY, ERNIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT'S OK, DON. I UNDERSTAND.
I'M GAY, TOO.
I'M NOT GAY.
OH. WELL, ME NEITHER. I JUST DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
"THE BOY GOES TO THE STORE."
HARRY...
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DIAGRAM THE SENTENCE?
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH
THE CHALK. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
I'D REALLY APPRECIATE
IT IF YOU'D GIVE IT A TRY.
WELL, LOOK, IF YOU
WANT YOUR BUTT KISSED,
WHY DON'T YOU CALL
ON MRS. DeGUZMAN?
MAN,
JUST DIAGRAM THE DAMN SENTENCE.
WELL, BACK OFF, BUDDY.
MAYBE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DIAGRAM THE DAMN SENTENCE.
YOU EVER STOP TO THINK OF THAT?
THAT'S OK, HARRY. IF YOU
HAD ALL THE ANSWERS,
YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO BE HERE.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT, TEACH?
WELL, MY POINT IS WE'RE
ALL HERE TO LEARN TOGETHER.
WE ARE?
YES.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
I WANNA LEARN!
I WANNA LEARN!
DICK, DO YOU MIND?!
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE THINKING
WHAT A LONELY SHAMBLES
MY LIFE HAS BECOME.
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I DEVOTED ALL MY TIME
TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
FINGER-POINTING IS NOT GOING
TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.
I'M NOT FINGER-POINTING.
BUT IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU!
YOU WOULDN'T COME
WITH ME TO KING OF THE JIG!
I HAD TO REPLACE YOU WITH DON,
AND NOW HE WON'T EVEN SPEAK TO ME.
HEY, DICK...
DON.
SO...
HEY. LOOK.
YEAH. YEAH.
LAST NIGHT?
NO BIGGIE.
COOL.
SO... BURGER?
FRIES?
LATER? SURE.
SOLID.
THAT'S MY MAIN MAN.
OHH, IT IS SUCH A
RELIEF TO BE RID OF SETH.
SO YOU CAN GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH DON?
NO. SO I CAN SHAVE THE
POODLES FROM UNDER MY ARMS.
SMOOTH.
HANDS OFF, PERVERT!
YOU KNOW, SALLY,
YOU MAY HAVE LOST A BOYFRIEND,
AND I MAY HAVE FOUND A FRIEND,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING?
WHAT?
THAT I FOUND A FRIEND.
ALL YOURS.
NOPE.
GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE SOME TOAST.
NO TOAST, EITHER.
OH, AND WE'RE ALSO
COMPLETELY OUT OF BREAD.
GOOD MORNING!
GOOD MORNING.
NO, I TELL A LIE. IT'S
A GREAT MORNING,
AND IT WILL CULMINATE IN
AN EVEN GREATER EVENING,
FOR TONIGHT MARY AND I...
WILL ATTEND KING OF THE JIG,
STARRING IRISH TAP-DANCING
SENSATION PETER CONNELLY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
MY DELICIOUS COFFEE?
[ENGLISH ACCENT] YOU SHOULD
REALLY GET YOURSELF A BEAN GRINDER.
THIS CANNED STUFF'S INTOLERABLE.
OH!
I'M GONNA GO AND HAVE A SMOKE.
SALLY, IT APPEARS THAT YOUR NEW
BOYFRIEND HAS BOGARTED MY COFFEE.
YEAH. SOMETHING TELLS ME
HE ATE ALL OUR CEREAL, TOO.
YEAH? SO?
[ENGLISH ACCENT] WE
SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.
HE GOT A LITTLE HUNGRY.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?
NO, WE WERE
DISCUSSING HIS WRITING.
HE IS AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. A STARVING ARTIST.
OH, HARRY, THAT
WAS PRETTY CLEVER.
YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT THIS GUY
HAS DONE TO YOU, SALLY.
YOU'RE BROODY AND MOODY,
AND YOUR HAIR
LOOKS LIKE... LIKE...
LIKE WHAT?
DOODY.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU AND YOUR IVORY TOWER,
HURLING DOWN YOUR
WISDOM McNUGGETS
DIPPED IN THE SPECIAL
SAUCE OF THE ESTABLISHMENT.
[MUTTERING]
NOW HANG ON THERE, MISSY.
I COMMAND YOU TO DROP
THAT RIDICULOUS ACCENT.
WHAT ACCENT? THE
BAD ENGLISH ONE.
I DON'T HAVE TO
DO A THING YOU...
LIEUTENANT.
OKEY-DOKEY.
SO, MARY, WHAT TIME
SHOULD I PICK YOU UP
FOR KING OF THE JIG?
I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.
BUT WE MADE OUR
PLANS 3 MONTHS AGO.
WE BROKE UP.
JUDITH AND I
ALREADY GOT TICKETS.
AND I AM NOT LEAVING THAT
THEATER WITHOUT A SWEATY SCARF.
WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
BRING ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?
MY FRIENDS?
OH, OH...
YES, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S SO MANY.
CHOOSING ONE COULD
RESULT IN HURT FEELINGS.
IRONICALLY, I MIGHT END UP
LOSING FRIENDS OVER THIS.
MAYBE WE'LL SEE YOU THERE.
MM, YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
YEAH, WITH ONE OF MY
MANY, MANY FRIENDS!
NINA...
NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?
IT SHOULD BE A GREAT SHOW.
I TOLD YOU, MY NAME
IS DICK SOLOMON.
YOU MADE A DELIVERY AT MY
OFFICE A FEW MONTHS BACK.
YES, I SIGNED YOUR
ELECTRONIC CLIPBOARD,
AND YOU MADE A NICE COMMENT
ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY PACKAGE.
HELLO? HELLO?!
OHH!
[NORMAL VOICE AGAIN]
OH, NO. IS THAT BAYWATCH?
IT'S NOT BAYWATCH.
IT'S BAYWATCH NIGHTS.
SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IT'S COLDER AT NIGHT.
[CLICK] THERE!
THERE'S SOMETHING
TO FEED YOUR SOULS.
MMM... HEY!
SHE WILL KILL YOU.
SO YOU WANNA GO ROLLER-BLADING?
OH, I DON'T HAVE
ANY ROLLER BLADES.
HOW ABOUT A VIDEO GAME?
OH, HARRY HAS YAHTZEE!
YAHTZEE!
NO OFFENSE, SOLOMON,
BUT THIS PLACE SUCKS.
HEY! YOU! WHAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME
FOR A NIGHT AT THE THEATER?
NO.
THIS IS SO ODD.
I CAN'T FIND ANYONE
WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME
FOR KING OF THE JIG.
ONE COULD DRAW THE
MISTAKEN CONCLUSION THAT...
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
[DERISIVELY] KING OF THE JIG.
PETER CONNELLY'S STRIP-MINING
AN ENTIRE CULTURE FOR PROFIT.
THAT IS SO TRUE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I NEED MONEY FOR ROLLER BLADES.
ROLLER BLADES?
YEAH, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS
ALL MY FRIENDS SEEM TO HAVE.
ARE THINGS REALLY GONNA
BRING YOU HAPPINESS, TOMMY?
YEAH.
THAT SADDENS ME.
GREAT, TOMMY.
YOU MADE HIM SAD.
YOU HAPPY?
COME ON, DICK,
LET'S SEE THE WALLET.
NO, TOMMY, YOU'LL HAVE
TO GET YOUR OWN MONEY.
I'M STRETCHED THIN JUST
COVERING THE BARE ESSENTIALS:
FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER,
AND THEATER TICKETS.
YEAH, TOMMY, YOU WANT MONEY...
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO GET A JOB.
HARRY, TOMMY HAS A JOB.
YEAH. I GO TO SCHOOL.
OH. THEN MAYBE I
SHOULD GO GET A JOB.
OH, MAN.
GOOD EVENING.
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE
NEED A TICKET FOR THE SHOW?
WE HAVE TICKETS.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
WELL, WHAT IF I
KNOCKED OFF 5 BUCKS?
10 BUCKS?
I'M INSANE! THIS TICKET MUST GO!
HI, DICK.
HELLO, MARY, JUDITH.
I-I'M JUST WAITING
HERE FOR MY FRIEND.
WELL, I HOPE THEY GET HERE SOON.
THEY'RE GOING TO CLOSE
THE DOORS IN 5 MINUTES.
BEAR IN MIND:
NO ONE WILL BE SEATED
ONCE PETER CONNELLY'S
SHIRT COMES OFF.
[GASP]
WHO NEEDS TICKETS?!
TICKETS HERE!
GET YOUR RED-HOT TICKETS!
CUT-PRICE TICKETS HERE!
HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
OH, OH, NO. NOTHING ILLEGAL
IS GOING ON HERE, OFFICER.
I JUST BOUGHT AN EXTRA TICKET,
AND I'M TRYING TO UNLOAD IT.
YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY,
FOR A NICE PROFIT.
SCALPING TICKETS
IS A MISDEMEANOR.
COME WITH ME.
WAIT A SECOND, UH...
IT'S OK, RICO. HE'S A FRIEND.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. DON'S
A FRIEND OF MINE.
DON AND I ARE FRIENDS.
MY FRIEND DON.
ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU
BACK AT THE STATION, DON.
SO, DON, I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET.
IT'S YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.
AN EXTRA TICKET, HUH? I
HEAR IT'S A PRETTY GOOD SHOW.
PRETTY GOOD? THE RUTHERFORD
BUGLE CALLS IT "TAP-LICIOUS."
WELL, I SUPPOSE CRIME COULD
STRIKE INSIDE THE THEATER
JUST AS WELL AS
IT COULD OUT HERE.
LOOK AT ABE LINCOLN.
LET'S GO!
AH! GOOD NEWS.
THE FALAFEL CONNECTION
NEEDS A NIGHT MANAGER.
HARRY, YOU GO TO BED AT 8:00.
BESIDES, THIS JOB REQUIRES
A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
WELL, THAT'S DISCRIMINATION.
MAN, YOU NEED DIPLOMAS
FOR ALL THESE JOBS.
YEAH, WHICH I
DON'T GOT. LET'S EAT.
HEY, WAIT.
YOU ARE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL
AND GET A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
HUH? NO.
NOOO.
NOOOO! OH, FORGET IT.
I DON'T WANNA.
AH, HARRY, COME ON.
LET'S GO SIGN YOU UP.
YOU SEE, YOU GOTTA THINK OF
A DIPLOMA AS AN INVESTMENT.
YEAH. AN INVESTMENT
IN YOUR ROLLER BLADES.
AH, YOU SEE? YOU'RE
LEARNING ALREADY.
[APPLAUSE WITHIN]
WHOO!
WHOO!
WHOO! HUH! HUH! HUH!
HO! HO! HO! HO!
OH, GOD! OH, THAT WAS THE MOST
SPECTACULAR THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
OH, WAS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?
OH, YES, MY FRIEND AND I
WERE JUST DISCUSSING IT.
MARY, JUDITH, YOU
REMEMBER DON ORVILLE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
DICK, I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU AND DON
WERE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS...
THE COLLEGE PROFESSOR
AND POLICE OFFICER,
IT'S A SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE,
BUT WHEN WE DO FIND THE TIME,
DON AND I ARE
PRACTICALLY INSEPARABLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
DONNY, OLD BOY?
NOT ENTIRELY.
HEY, WHAT ARE... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WR... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WRITE... SHH!
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING
IN YOUR JOURNAL?
OH, HERE THEY
COME. RIGHT ON TIME.
PETER CONNELLY'S
OBEDIENT LITTLE SHEEP.
THEY'VE SAT THROUGH
HIS PUPPET SHOW,
PURCHASED HIS T-SHIRTS,
AND NOW THEY'RE HERE
TO DISCUSS THE EXPERIENCE
AND FEEL CULTURED.
OH, THAT'S PATHETIC.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
CONNELLY HAS THEM PROGRAMMED.
HE'S THE HEAD OF THE MONSTER.
THE HEAD OF THE MONSTER?
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HAVE
5 MINUTES ALONE WITH THAT PHONY.
WHY, WHAT WOULD
YOU DO TO HIM, SETH?
LET'S JUST SAY...
HE WOULD NEVER DANCE AGAIN.
OH, YEAH.
HA HA.
OH, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT.
YEAH.
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
HIM NOT DANCING, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M TRYING TO WRITE!
INCOMING!
YOU GET IT? 'CAUSE
WE'RE COMING IN, RIGHT?
HEH HEH HEH. AHH...
TURNS OUT PAINTBALL IS LOT MORE
FUN THAN I THOUGHT, HUH, DON?
WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TIE ME
DOWN AND DO ME EXECUTION-STYLE.
COME ON, I WAS JUST
PLAYING AROUND.
NO HARD FEELINGS. HEY...
FRIENDS?
FRIENDS.
LET ME BUY YOU A BEER.
HEY! 2 BEERS HERE.
I'D LIKE TO GET A COUPLE OF
RUTHERFORD RAILROAD STOUTS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY BREW
IT RIGHT HERE IN RUTHERFORD.
YEAH, THEY PUT A MICROBREWERY
IN THE OLD... BREWERY.
HEY, WE OUGHT TO GO
TAKE A TOUR SOMETIME.
YEAH. FREE SAMPLES. CAN'T
BEAT THAT WITH A STICK.
NO, SIR, YOU CAN'T.
AND YOU KNOW...
THE LADIES LOVE THE BEER.
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHO
ELSE LOVES THE BEER?
PATHETIC LONELY GUYS.
OK, ENOUGH OF THAT.
SO TOMORROW NIGHT I WAS
THINKING SUSHI AND THE DOG TRACK?
WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN, BUT
TOMORROW NIGHT'S NO GOOD FOR ME.
NO. YOU WORKING THE LATE SHIFT?
NO. OH, YOU GOT A HOT DATE?
NO, NO. WHO IS SHE?
COME ON, COME ON.
NO, NO... HEH HEH HEH.
NO, I'M GOING OUT
WITH MY BUDDY ERNIE.
WE'RE BOWLING A COUPLE OF GAMES
AND EATING SOME CHICKEN WINGS.
OH, OF COURSE. CHICKEN WINGS.
I'M SURE YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH YOUR BUDDY ERNIE.
SMOOTH.
DISAPPOINTING.
COME ON, HARRY.
IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL.
HOW DO I LOOK?
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT? MY BACKPACK.
YEAH. IT'S A BACKPACK.
YOU DON'T WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK.
JUST THROW IT OVER
YOUR SHOULDER.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE.
NIGHT SCHOOL IS THE SAME
THING AS REGULAR SCHOOL.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
IS IT'S AT NIGHT.
WHICH MAKES IT REALLY SPOOKY.
GRANTED. BUT THERE'S
ONLY A FEW THINGS
YOU NEED TO REMEMBER, YOU KNOW:
MAKE SURE THE TOUGH
GUYS THINK YOU'RE COOL,
GRAB A SEAT NEXT TO A BABE,
AND, UH, YOU KNOW, DON'T LET
THE TEACHER PUSH YOU AROUND.
OK. TOUGH, BABE, DON'T LET
THE TEACHER PUSH YOU AROUND.
IS THAT IT?
OH! YEAH, AND NEVER
PUT YOUR MOUTH
DIRECTLY ON THE
DRINKING FOUNTAIN.
BUT THAT'S HOW I DRINK
FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
NOT AT SCHOOL.
OK.
WELL...
HERE I GO.
OH, UH, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?
I'M SORRY.
NO! THE SNACK!
OH!
GREAT SHOW, PETER.
YOU KILLED OUT THERE.
EH, NOT AS GOOD AS THE
SHOW IN BRANSON, BUT, UH,
[HEELS CLICK] I'LL
CASH THE CHECK.
PETER CONNELLY!
EH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
REDHEAD FROM THE SECOND ROW?
SHE'S OUTSIDE.
GIVE HER A T-SHIRT
AND SEND HER HOME.
PETER, I'M SO SORRY TO
BURST IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T
CONTROL MYSELF.
EH! BOYS! WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE A WALK,
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOME OF THOSE
MENTHOL CIGARETTES I LIKE SO MUCH, EH?
EH! EH!
SO... WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN,
ME NOT-SO-WEE LASS?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?
[GASPS]
YOU STRIKE ME AS A
LADY WHO KNOWS...
[PATS CHAIR]
WHAT SHE WANTS.
WELL, PETER... [CLEARING THROAT]
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW
MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD?
TELL ME, BUTTERCUP.
COFFEE.
COFFEE?
YEAH. YOU KNOW, I
WANT TO BE WIDE AWAKE
IN CASE WE GO FOR A
RIDE ON THE OLD TOUR BUS.
EH! WELL, THEN,
BY ALL MEANS, LASS,
LET US... LATTé!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
I'LL HAVE A CAPPUCCINO.
ROOT BEER.
OHH.
WHAT?
IT'S NOT WHAT DON WOULD ORDER.
DON WOULD ORDER A MOCHA.
FINE. I'LL HAVE A MOCHA.
DON WOULD ORDER IT WITH GUSTO.
I'LL HAVE A MOCHA.
THAT'S TOO MUCH GUSTO.
WELL, HOW WOULD
DON SAY, "GET BENT"?
I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE'D SAY IT.
BY GOING OUT TO EAT CHICKEN
WINGS WITH HIS FRIEND ERNIE
AND LEAVING ME IN THE LURCH!
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THE CHECK HERE?
NO WONDER YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
I'M SORRY.
SAVE IT. DON'T EVER
LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
YOU BUMPED INTO ME.
I THINK I KNOW THAT!
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
NO. PLEASE SIT DOWN.
SO...
WHAT BRINGS YOU IN
HERE, PRETTY LADY?
[PURRING LIKE A TIGER]
OK, HAVE A SEAT RIGHT
OVER THERE, HONEY,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK?
DON'T MAKE ME COME AND GIT YA!
SETH!
SALLY, YOU LOOK SEXY.
WHAT?
IN A VERY STEREOTYPICAL
KIND OF WAY
THAT DOES NOTHING FOR ME.
SETH, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU.
WHAT?
IT'S THE HEAD OF THE
MONSTER HIMSELF,
PETER CONNELLY.
PETER CONNELLY? IS
HE HERE RIGHT NOW?
YEAH. WELL, LET HIM
HAVE IT. COME ON.
PETER CONNELLY.
YES.
OH, MY GOD, CAN I
HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?
THAT WASN'T THE SETH I KNOW!
SALLY, PLEASE!
I WAS MOCKING CONNELLY.
HE SIGNED YOUR SHOES.
YEAH.
THE SHOES OF A
MAN WHO HATES HIM.
HA HAH!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU'RE A FRAUD!
SALLY, THE WHOLE
CULTURE HERE'S A FRAUD.
I'M A FRAUD, YOU'RE A
FRAUD, LIFE'S A FRAUD.
YES, BUT YOU IN PARTICULAR
ARE A COMPLETE FRAUD!
GOD, WHEN I THINK OF
WHAT I GAVE UP FOR YOU.
I MEAN, MY FAMILY,
MY SELF-RESPECT,
MY HAIR-CARE REGIMEN!
HEY, JUST RELAX.
YOU'RE BEING STUPID.
THAT'S THE WRONG THING TO SAY.
JIG ON OUTTA HERE,
LOSER! GET OUT!
SO HE SAYS, "THEY'RE NOT TEFLON
BULLETS. THEY'RE DUM-DUMS."
DUM-DUMS.
HEH HEH...
DON.
DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THIS WAS OUR PLACE, DON.
I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE, ERNIE?
ERNIE.
NO.
SO THIS IS WHO YOU CHOOSE?
CHOOSE? CHOOSE TO HURT ME WITH.
UH, ERNIE'S A FRIEND OF
MINE FROM THE ACADEMY.
SO TELL ME, DON, WHAT
IS IT HE HAS THAT I DON'T?
A LEAF BLOWER?
OH!
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT, MR. DON ORVILLE!
WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT IT IS
YOU WANT FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LET ME KNOW, HMM?
OH, AND ONE MORE THING:
YOU'RE A LOUSY DANCER!
I-I'M SORRY, ERNIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT'S OK, DON. I UNDERSTAND.
I'M GAY, TOO.
I'M NOT GAY.
OH. WELL, ME NEITHER. I JUST DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
"THE BOY GOES TO THE STORE."
HARRY...
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DIAGRAM THE SENTENCE?
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH
THE CHALK. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
I'D REALLY APPRECIATE
IT IF YOU'D GIVE IT A TRY.
WELL, LOOK, IF YOU
WANT YOUR BUTT KISSED,
WHY DON'T YOU CALL
ON MRS. DeGUZMAN?
MAN,
JUST DIAGRAM THE DAMN SENTENCE.
WELL, BACK OFF, BUDDY.
MAYBE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DIAGRAM THE DAMN SENTENCE.
YOU EVER STOP TO THINK OF THAT?
THAT'S OK, HARRY. IF YOU
HAD ALL THE ANSWERS,
YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO BE HERE.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT, TEACH?
WELL, MY POINT IS WE'RE
ALL HERE TO LEARN TOGETHER.
WE ARE?
YES.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
I WANNA LEARN!
I WANNA LEARN!
DICK, DO YOU MIND?!
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE THINKING
WHAT A LONELY SHAMBLES
MY LIFE HAS BECOME.
I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I DEVOTED ALL MY TIME
TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
FINGER-POINTING IS NOT GOING
TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.
I'M NOT FINGER-POINTING.
BUT IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU!
YOU WOULDN'T COME
WITH ME TO KING OF THE JIG!
I HAD TO REPLACE YOU WITH DON,
AND NOW HE WON'T EVEN SPEAK TO ME.
HEY, DICK...
DON.
SO...
HEY. LOOK.
YEAH. YEAH.
LAST NIGHT?
NO BIGGIE.
COOL.
SO... BURGER?
FRIES?
LATER? SURE.
SOLID.
THAT'S MY MAIN MAN.
OHH, IT IS SUCH A
RELIEF TO BE RID OF SETH.
SO YOU CAN GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH DON?
NO. SO I CAN SHAVE THE
POODLES FROM UNDER MY ARMS.
SMOOTH.
HANDS OFF, PERVERT!
YOU KNOW, SALLY,
YOU MAY HAVE LOST A BOYFRIEND,
AND I MAY HAVE FOUND A FRIEND,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING?
WHAT?
THAT I FOUND A FRIEND.
ALL YOURS.