3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 18 - Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man - full transcript

Being the eldest of the group while playing the youngest of the family has taken its toll: Tommy is sick and tired of being treated like a kid and decides to retire and moves to a rest home. Officer Don visits Sally while she's doing the laundry and accidentally steals one of her panties. He wants to secretly put them back, but this turns out easier said then done. After Mary told him she once dreamed of being a singer, Dick arranges a gig for her in a club.


Hi, don.

Got your message.

I saw you being interviewed
on the news today.

The camera loves you.

Yeah. I've been working
on a big case, Sally.

A case involving murder.

Murder, don?

That's right, Sally.
Murder with a capital "m."

Unless it's in the
middle of a sentence.

Then it's a small "m."

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

So, um, maybe you want
to go get some lunch?

Well, I'm on duty, and, uh...

I'm real hungry.

Great. I'll go get my coat.

Hey, don?


Huh? Yeah? What?

I thought we could try
that new Mexican place.

Oh, yeah, Mexican.

That's... that's... oh, God!

Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?

I have to write a 20-page
history paper by tomorrow.

Oooh... That's tough.

Oh! Oh! And on top of that,

George capisorros was
waiting for me after school

to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let
him cheat off my algebra test.

Whoa. So what did you do,
hop the fence and run home?

No. I kicked his ass, but, I
mean, that's not the point.

I shouldn't have to do that.

Oh, Tommy, good. I have
an assignment for you.


Some students were
handing out this leaflet

on the campus.

It's for a secret underground
party called a rave.

I think you should
investigate it.

No, dick. These things
are loud and hot.

Everybody's on something.
It's not for me.

Oh, you sound like an old man.

I am an old man.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh. You guys
forget that, huh.

I'm older than you are. I'm sick
and tired of acting like a kid.

Well, it's no cakewalk being the
dashing patriarch, but I deal with it.

At my age, I shouldn't have
to deal with anything.

I should have no worries.

I should be carefree.

Oh, I know what
this is all about.

You want a Nintendo.

No! I want to relax!

You know what? I'm through.

What are you saying?

I'm retiring from the mission.

Effective immediately.

Old guys say the
darnedest things.

I cannot believe this!

I've never heard of
anybody retiring

in the middle of a
mission before!

Can he do this?!

It happens.

But it's rare.

Sometimes it's unavoidable.

But it happens.

But it's rare.

God! Tommy was the only
one who knew anything,

and he didn't know anything!
We're screwed!

Tommy was a little
tense, that's all.

And he said some things
that he didn't mean.

Trust me. He is not
going to retire.

Hey, guys. Look what I
found in the basement.

Hogans, eh?

Tommy, you can't be serious.

Well, actually, dick, I've been
thinking about it for a while.

And, you know, uh, this
was never my dream job.

So are you gonna go back
to the home planet?

Nah. So drafty there.

There's that film in
the air, you know.

I like it on earth.

There's, uh, women, gravity.

It's nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go to the park.

Feed some ducks.

It's just not gonna be
the same without him.

Oh, don't worry. He'll be back.

I'm sure gonna miss him.

Can I have his job?

I don't know why I even
bother to lecture.

Most of my students just
copy their term papers

out of the encyclopedia, anyway.

I'm sure that's not true.

This one's photocopied!

I swear, sometimes this job
just sucks the life out of me.

Do you ever wonder if maybe you
made a wrong choice in life?

You know, with your job?

No! No.

I always wanted to teach half-baked
morons at a second-rate university.

And here you are.

Here I am.

But I did have dreams
when I was younger.

You did? Like what?

Oh, it-it's silly.

No, no, no! Tell me.

Well, when I was a kid, I
wanted to be a singer.

You know, a torch singer,

like Peggy Lee or
Ella Fitzgerald.

I even had a stage
name picked out.

Marlena albrecht.


A smoky room... A
Martini in my hand...

Spotlight, just
me, center stage.

With a hep cat backing you
up on a standup bass.

I'd wear gloves...
Long, black gloves.

I'd have an opium problem.

Slap that bass!

You are some messed-up
white people.




I'm so glad you're here!
I was worried about you.

You left so quickly yesterday.

Well, I... I... I got a
call on the, uh, the, um,

the walkie-talkie!

You know, about the...
the murder thing.

Wow! You want to
grab some lunch?

Oh! Sure! I'll just, um,
get out of this chair.

There's... No reason
for me not to.

Oh, look...

Where'd it go?

Where did what go?

I don't know.

I'll just, uh, go
grab my sweater, ok?


Oh... Harry. I need
some information.

Well, I got information!


On this day in rock 'n'
roll history, the who...

Enough information!

Harry, I need you to
do something for me.

I'll tell you where
the who went and why.


Mary is trudging through life

under the weight of
an unfulfilled dream,

and we're gonna make that
dream come true for her.

Mmmm... This sounds like
it's gonna be hard.

Very hard. Tommy could do
it with his eyes shut.

Ok, take this down.

I need you to find a place...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I... Need... You... To...

Harry, forget writing it down.

Just memorize it.

I need you to find a place...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I need you

to find...

Harry, forget memorizing it.

Just listen to me, all right?

I need you to find a place

where Mary can sing
her little heart out.

I don't care how many
toes you have to step on

or how many arms
you have to twist.

You must not take
no for an answer.

Mary performs Saturday night!
Have you got that?


Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinkin' about cake.




Uh, quincunx.


Yeah, you know...

An arrangement of 5
objects in a square with

one at each corner and
one in the center.


Wait a second, there.

You gonna challenge me?

I wouldn't challenge him.

You're a pretty smart kid.

I'm not a kid.

Well, fine, fine. Who cares?
Sit down.

Oh. Thank you.


I saw it!


Can I help you?

Yes! I need some information.
Who's the manager?

That would be me.

Ah! Well, have I got
an act for you.

A lady with a voice
like an angel.

She'll knock your
socks off, she will.

Terrific. Hey, hey!

And I'm not takin'
no for an answer.

No, great idea.

We could use some live
music around here.

I'll turn off the radio.

Hey! I didn't drive 5
Miles to get shot down.

I said it was fine!

You listen to me, Charlie!

I don't make promises,

but I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you

stomp all over this
woman's dreams, capisce?!

I... I said it was...

I don't care what you said!

I said it was fine!
I said it was fine!

Gracias, amigo.

This... ls the lounge.

Down there, the TV room.

We get movies every
Sunday and Tuesday.


Yesterday... Willy wonka.


Tomorrow... The
Poseidon adventure.

Shelly winters goes
swimming in her slip.



And here's where the
gals play mahjong.

We got a lot of gals.

Plus your cribbage, your
canasta, and your bridge.

Oh! You have everything.

And through there,
the cafeteria.

3 square meals a day.

Norman, my man.

I'm home!

Wow. So this is where they
store all the old people.

You know, I like this place.

Some guy out there
just called me "son."



Ooh! Lester!

You are cookin' with gas.

What is that, 2 in a row?


I owe ya 55 cents, ya scoundrel.



This is the one I was
telling you about, Lester.

Was I right? Is she beautiful?

And still not married.

It kills me, really.

You know, Lester's
grandson's a periodontist.

Very comfortable.

Your deal, Tommy.

Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out,

spend some time with my family.

Uh, nice to meet y'all,

and, you know, that
Bess is one lucky lady.

Hey, don't we know it.

We love her.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Who's Bess?

Well, she's my ticket in here.

Anytime someone asks, I just say
I'm visiting my great aunt Bess.

Where do you sleep?

Well, there's a couple
of empty rooms.

And if anyone hassles me, I
just say I'm staying over

to help my great aunt Bess.

Hey! Are those new shoes?

Oh, yeah! The fellows and I
went to the outlet store.

I got these. 15.99!

I feel like I'm walkin' on air.

Tommy! Come on in here,
will ya, please?

A whole new episode of
Nash Bridges is comin' on.

Come on! I'm comin'.

You're gonna miss the whole first part.
Come on!

Just one second.

I'm not gonna lose my seat,
I'll tell ya right now.

I'm comin', Stanley! Shh!
I'm gonna come!

Oh, my God...

Shut up, Stanley!

He's very...

I'm gonna go, though.


You guys come by anytime.

It makes me feel
good when you visit.

Oh, Nina, how's my guest list
coming for Saturday night?

Uh, Judith can't make it,

Dr. suiter can't make it,

and Dr. strudwick is
flying to Philadelphia.

Well, at least you'll be there.

Well, actually,

I'm driving Dr. Strudwick
to the airport.

No! If he'll let me.

Your loss!

Oh, uh, say, Mary.

Have you ever heard of a little
place called the stonehouse?

You mean that rat hole by the
highway that burned down last year?

Well, they've rebuilt it.

Yeah, and then the health department
came in and closed it down.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

How would you like to go
to dinner there some time?

Are you serious?!

I read a review that said

the food is
unimaginative but fair.


A little.


Oh, don!

I'm so glad you're here!

I've been so worried since you
ran out of here 2 days in a row!

I've just been a little
preoccupied, angel, that's all.

Is it something I did?

You?! No, baby, no!


It's, uh...

It's another case.

Uh... A robbery.

What did the guy steal, don?

Uh, money.

Money from a beautiful
bank teller...

Not you.

She was... she was folding
this stack of bills

because she's a...
a teller, ya see.

Yeah, I got it. She's a teller.

And, uh, so...

When she turned her
back from the bills,

he just... Had to... Touch 'em.

Why did he do that, don?

Because he wanted to be near her...
vicariously, you know?

And when she came back,
he was so ashamed,

that he just shoved the
underwear in his pocket.

The money! The money!

He shoved the money
in his underwear.

In his pocket!

What are ya gonna
do to him, don?

I... I... I... I don't know.

I mean, it's an honest mistake.

What do you think we
should do about that?

Well, you know me, don.


I would, uh, string
him up by his feet

and bust his face
in with a chain.

That's an option.

The lawn bowling tournament

will begin in 15 minutes.

Lawn bowling? I thought
that was Tuesdays.

It is Tuesday.

What happened to Monday?

Monday was yesterday.

So how's your scampi?


What did I tell you?

But I'm having a good time.

Excuse me. Why are there
so many empty seats?

Sorry. I spent my advertising
budget on pesticide.

Oh, they have live music!

Dick, that's neat.

Excuse me just a moment.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased
to bring up a young singer

who's making her
stonehouse debut.

Will you please put
your hands together

for the one, the only
marlena albrecht!

Wasn't she wonderful,
ladies and gentlemen?

Thank you and good night!


Don. I didn't expect to see you.

You've made it pretty clear you
don't want to be around me.

Sally, that's crazy!

But you've been so cold!

Sally, I'm full of guilt!

And it's eatin' at my insides
like a bellyful of sharks!

Have you tried belching?

Sally, sometimes I wish I could
take my brain out of my head

and run it under the tap.

Sally, I stole your underpants!

Don, if you needed underpants,

you could have just asked!

I didn't need underpants, Sally!

I took 'em because I'm weak,

because I'm pathetic,
because I'm a man.

And I couldn't resist touching something
that had been so close to you.


I'm so sorry.

I can't believe
you, of all people,

would come into my house

and do something so damn swell!


I thought we were on the outs,

and then you go and
do something so crazy

and brave and really sweet!

You know we're talking
underpants here.

Here, don. Keep 'em.

And when you look at
'em, think of me.


Oh, here!

Take the bra!

It's a matching set, so...

God bless you!

And tomorrow we'll
work on chapter 7.

Oh. And, Kevin, I
would appreciate it

if you would not giggle every
time I said homo erectus.


Well, well, well, if
it isn't ed Sullivan.

What happened last night?

What happened?!

I was just trying

to give you something
you never had.

An aneurysm?

I just wanted to be the one
to make your dream come true.

Oh, come on, dick.

I could have been either
a mediocre singer

or a damn good
college Professor.

I think I made the right choice.

Sing for me.


Sing for me, Mary.

Come on. Just a few bars.

Dick, I have a classroom of students
who are going to be here any minute!

Don't worry. I'll lock the door.

This is inappropriate! Dick, this
is neither the time nor the place

to do a...

Oh, my.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the golden tonsils...

Of marlena albrecht.

♪ I hope that he

♪ turns out to be

♪ over me

oh! Mary!

I'm so proud of you!

You did make the right choice.

Hey, Harry. What's goin' on?

Oh, Tommy! What are
you doing out?

Uh, well, I just came by
to get my hiking boots.

Norman and I were gonna
go leaf collecting.

Mmm. I'll go get 'em for you.

I can get 'em.

No! No! No! You sit down.

Well, look who's here!

Hey, Sally!

How you feelin'?

I feel great.

Great. You look great.

You want a drink or somethin'?

Uh, uh, no, thanks. What's
going on around here?

Oh, nothing you need to worry about.
You sit down.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, dick.

Tommy, how you feelin'?

Oh, I feel great.
You look great.

You want a drink or something?

Here are your boots, Tommy.
Oh, thanks.

Do you want a drink
or somethin'?

What, do I look thirsty?

Maybe you should sit down.


Hey, tell us what
happened with albright.

Sure. Tommy,

we're gonna go out
on the roof to talk.

Do you want to have
the television on?

No. I'll just come.

No, no. It's mission stuff.

You sit down.

Look! Wheel of fortune's on!

That's one of your programs.

You know, I learned
something today.


Every human being has dreams,

but it takes real wisdom to
know which ones to chase

and which ones to let go.

I mean, look at Mary.

I'd rather not.

All right. That's it. I
can't take it anymore.

I want back.

Well, I thought you
liked eagle vista.

No. You know what?

They keep the TV too loud, it's
too hot, everybody's on drugs.

It's just like a rave
but without the babes.

But you seemed to be
having so much fun.

Oh, I was atrophying. It made
me feel like an old man.

But that's what you are. Yeah,
but that's not how I feel.

At least I didn't
until I retired.

This is what retirement
does to you.

It makes you old. Dick,
I need my job back.

Can he do that?!

It happens, but it's rare.

But it happens.

But it's rare.

Welcome back, Tommy.
Resume your duties.

Oh! Cool!

Wait a second!

But I got all this information!

The zip code for waukesha,
Wisconsin... 53186.

Gestation period for a wombat fetus...
30 days.

Shut up, Harry. Seriously.

In 1548, sigismund I of
Poland dies, succeeded by...

What's the matter, Dr. albright?

I have the most immature class!

We're studying miocene man,

and I'm discussing the
migration of homo erectus...

Every time I say homo erectus...

They laugh!

As if there were something
funny about homo erectus!

What are you laughing at?!

Homo erectus isn't
a miocene man!

He's pleistocene man!