3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 17 - Auto Eurodicka - full transcript

Dick has casual sex with a woman he met at the cinema and tells Mary and Nina and even his class. Mary gets upset about this and so does Bug, when it turns out it was his mother Dick had sex with. Meanwhile, Sally needs a car and takes Tommy and Harry to a used car lot where she falls in love with a Viper the Solomons can never pay.

Good morning, dick.

Oh. Hello, Mary.


Young love.

Yes. I didn't mean to
stare at them, but...

They're really going at it.

They really are.

Hey! That fat guy's
blocking our view!

Hey, chubby, keep it moving!


You scared them off.


I guess this is what
my life has become...

Living vicariously

through the gritty
romance of others.

The gates of windemere?

Yeah. Sasha Reese is
torn between two lovers,

and every step she takes is a
guilty yet sensuous delight.

That's junk.

How can you say that?

I'm telling you, I read it.
It's junk.


I saw the most romantic
movie last night.

Man, woman, bed, cake.

It's a German art film.
Very riveting.

Once you figure out
which character's male

and which character's female.

Hey. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm off to see a movie
at cine rutherford,

and I refuse to pay those
outrageous concession stand prices.

Where'd you get those?

I bought them last time
I was at the movies.

Wait. You're going
to the movies?

You're not taking
the car, are you?

No, Sally, I'm going to walk

the 3 blocks!

Of course I'm taking the car.

I'm buying groceries.
I need the car.

Well, you can have
your fun later.

I'm so sick of this. You
have to get me my own car.

Yeah, dick. Most
families do have 2 cars.

Most families have a couch.
Most families have a mother.

Most families are related.

If that's what you want, go
move in with most families.


Well, not that I'm
thinking about it,

but where exactly do
most families live?

Wait, dick. I need wheels.

Fine. Buy a car.


A used one.

And be sure to listen
to the car salesman.

He's your friend, and
he's there to help.

Well, aside from the
overpowering stench of cat musk,

this one's a cream puff.

This one's pretty cool, too.

Except for that
spot on the seat.

It's blood. I'm getting out.

Boys, the search is over.


Is the most sensible
car I have ever seen.

This car...

Makes me feel like something

that's always been
missing in my life

can be solved with this
long, beautiful machine.

It's kind of shaped
like a banana.



You know, I've been
waiting to see this movie

for months.

Oh, really? I just got here.

Are you, uh...



Are you trying to
make conversation?



Oh... I love that.

I'm Anita.

I'm dick.

So since we're both alone,

would you like to sit together?

Sit with you, together, us?


Well, sure.

Oh, uh, f.Y.I....

Raisinets on the right,

jujubes on the left.

Reach in...


That was wonderful.

I just loved the ending.

I just loved when
you frenched me.

Where's your car?

Apparently it's
parked in heaven.

Must have viper.

Lieutenant, this is a mistake.

We just need transportation.

We're not entering
the Daytona 500.

It was amazing.

The power, the thrust!

You should've driven it.

I tried to drive it
and you bit my hand.

All right, Sally, let's
see what we can do

to put you into that
beautiful automobile...


We'll think about
it and come back.

He's just a child. Don't
pay any attention to him.

It's ok. I was a kid.


Tell me, sport, do
you like girls?

Yeah, I do. Sorry.

All right. So, bill, could
I have the keys now?

Sure. But first we're
going to need 1/3 down.

On a $60,000 car,

that's 20,000.

Ok, no problem. I'm
writing a check.

Now you're thinking
like a businesswoman.

Nothing like a check to show
the manager you're serious.

Like a heart attack, bill.


I'll be right back.

Have you gone insane?

We don't have $20,000.

Whoa. I have an idea.

We can hold a raffle.

That's great. What
would we raffle?

The viper!

Sally, that check
is gonna bounce

and they're gonna come after us.

Yes, but they'll never
catch us in the viper!


We ran your credit report.

They say you don't exist.

Oh, that's weird. So can
I take the car now?

No. My manager also told me

you only have
$1,300 in the bank.

Well, that is just not true.
Who did he get that from?

The bank.

All right, bill,

what do I have to
do to get this car?

Well, that's simple.

Less money up front and a
series of pickup payments,

finance the back end against
the deficit down lease.

We'll launch fiscal payoff

or simply spread the down across
the term and use asset collateral.

Bill, what do I have
to do to get this car?

Oh, that was...

Oh, I know. Just wonderful.

Thank you for a good time.

Oh. Thank you for not listening
to me when I said no.

You're a great guy.

Oh... You're terrific, too.

That's why this is going
to be so hard to say,

but, Anita...

I don't think I can marry you.

You can't?

No. Although I know it would be

the gentlemanly thing to do.

I... I'm just not ready.

Oh, dick.

I just got through a
really messy divorce,

and I don't want to get married.

I don't even want
a relationship.


This is pretty much it.

Oh. What are you saying?

This is pretty much it.


Well, you know... I... I hope
that you're ok with this.


I'm Jim dandy!

I had no idea this sort of
random coupling existed.

Outside the animal kingdom.

Tell me, are there
a lot of women

who feel the way you do,

and do you happen to have
their phone numbers?

Now add the 5 and carry the 2.

Got it.

All right, Harry, I think
I've finally worked it out.

If we give bill our $1,300 down

and get a payment
of $70 a month...

Which we can afford.


The car would be paid off

in 2073.

It'll be an antique by then.

We could make money on this car.

Let's go find dick's checkbook.
Come on.

So you guys are
getting a new car?

Yeah. A viper.

A viper?

What a ridiculous
waste of money.

Don't tell me. Tell Sally.

Good. I thought you wanted it.

You know, to impress all those
vapid bimbos at school.

No. No.

You mean like, uh...

Tina Emory?


Did you see what
she had on today?

Oh, God! With the... ugh!

Uh... Would you just excuse
me for just a second?

Sally, we have got
to get that viper!

Hello, family!

You'll never guess.

I had sex again.

Oh, no.

If you and albright
are back together,

I'm just gonna frag us all.


No, it wasn't Mary.

It was Anita palone.

A fabulous divorcee I
met at the movies.

Oh, a little casual sex.

Casual sex?

Yeah, you know. A passionate
tryst with a stranger.

Yes! Yes, that's exactly what I had.
Casual sex.

Wham bam, thank
you, deliveryman.

Nothing could be sweeter

than aniter in the theater.


Wait, wait, wait.

Dick. So you just met
her, and then...

Did you, uh, did you use...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

A 3-pack.

Ribbed for her pleasure.

I turned them inside out.

Oh, God, you are so selfish.

Thursday's good?

Yeah. Thursday's good.

What's that for?

For you.

For what?

For recommending

man, woman, bed, cake.

Oh, I take it you liked it.

Oh, no. It was God-awful.

But I met a woman in line.
A fabulous woman.


Well, that's nice, dick.

Oh, I'll say. We
had sex in my car.

You did what?!

I can't believe it either,

but it was great.

Why are you telling me this?

Oh, it wasn't a big deal.

It was casual sex.

That's the great thing.

Oh, yes.


Yeah. You know, it all started

with these raisinets.

I had them in my pocket...

Oh, damn! I have a class.

I'll tell you what.
We'll have lunch,

and I'll fill you guys in on
all the sexy details, ok?

And that, of course,
led to the big bang.

And you just met in
line at the theater?

You rule!

It's pretty amazing.

Dr. Solomon, um,

I'm a little uncomfortable
with this dialogue.

Oh, no, don't be.

Just in wrapping
up this section,

I'd like to say that after
such a wonderful night,

for as long as I live,
I'll never forget Anita.


Anita palone.

Anita palone? That's
my mom's name.

This woman said that she
was from Pittsburgh.

My mom lives in Pittsburgh,

and... She was visiting
me this weekend.

Well, then it must be her!

My God, bug!

How could you have been
in my class for 3 years

and never mentioned how
incredibly hot your mom was?!

Talk about coincidence!

Hi, Mary.


Hello, Mr. goodbar.

I have news.

You nailed the scrubwoman
in the broom closet.


No. You remember my telling you

about my one-night stand?

Rings a bell.

Turns out she's bug's mother.

How did you find that out?

Oh, I was rhapsodizing
about it in class.

Once I told him her
name, bug guessed.

You don't care whose
feelings you hurt.

Like who?

Bug, for instance?

I didn't realize.

Of course you didn't.

Well, why are you so angry?

I'm not.

As a matter of fact,

I could care less what you do,

you huge ass!

You know, if I were the Dean,

I'd slap you in the face.


You're not the Dean!

What was that for?

You know, there are two kinds
of people in this world.

Those who want loving,
monogamous relationships

and those who hop from bed to
bed having meaningless sex!

Yes. I was the former, now I'm the latter.
What's the big deal?

You know, if I were Dr.

I'd slap you in the face.


You're not Dr. albright!

And the viper...

Has 420 horsepower.

Wow. Sounds like a lot.

Oh, it's plenty.


Tina Emory. What a surprise.

Gee, Tommy, I had no idea
you were so popular.


Now you know.

And you're such good
friends with Tina.

Yes, I am.

We met at school when he told
me he was getting a viper.

Where is the viper, anyway?

Oh, it's coming.

When is it coming?

'Cause I hate to have to
keep riding to school

in Doug toffler's trans am.

Well, that won't be
necessary at all.

Uh... I'll... I'll
be right back.

I'll be... Right back.

Dick, I'm in very big trouble.

We need that viper now!

What's the emergency?

My love life depends on it.


Looking for a little
casual sex, eh?

I would be happy to get
to casual first base

with this one.

Don't sweat it, Tommy.

You'll get there.

Of course, you might get
slapped a couple of times

in the process.

But you will have a ball.


True, there's a chance that you'll
lose a little self-respect,

but it's a lot of fun.

Sounds good.

That is, if you don't compare

those few seedy moments with a
relationship that once meant...

Everything to you.


So if that sounds good...

Go for it.

Come on in, folks. Please.

I have some news.

We, uh, ahem...

We got the deal!

For 1,300 down and $70 a month?



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You got the numbers right,
but you misspelled viper.

It's spelled "pinto."



Pinto. Pinto. Pinto.

Pinto. Pinto. Pinto.

Is that like a souped up viper?

Actually, no.

It's that brown one
right out there.




But I thought that's
what you fed the viper.

"Fed the viper." No, Sally.


I want to make your
dream of having a car

come true,

and after reviewing your
financial situation,

I've chosen a Ford pinto for you

and your driving needs.

That's what I do, Sally.
I'm a professional.

I don't want a pinto.

I don't want one.

I hear you, Sally. I do.

Tell you what. Let
me check inventory.

Say. There's a '75 nova out back

that I was saving for a friend.



Ok. Ok, we can't panic.

We cannot let that
viper slip away.

This guy has to have a weakness.
I mean...

What? I've got it!

We can't win.


We can't win.

This is no ordinary guy.

He's a soul sucker.

Dear God.

You're right.

We've encountered
his kind before.

He's an evil force of nature.

A black hole.

He feeds on our desperation.

Tom, what are you saying?

It just makes him stronger.

There's only one thing
we can do, lieutenant.

We've got to walk away.

No, no, no, no!

I hate walking!

We've got to!


I made a friend cry.

But the nova's yours, Sally.



Yes! You can drive
her home today.



I said no.

Come on, Sally,

I am ready to make this deal.

Ha ha ha ha!


I'll throw in floor
mats, fabric guard,

and undercoating.

Ok, boys, step aside.

You have taken the joyful
experience of buying a car

and turned it into
something ugly!

You know what you are, buddy?

A car salesman.

Yeah, that's right.

A big steaming pile
of car salesman!

Well, you just lost
yourself a sale!

Come on, boys!

Ok. I don't have a car,

but I'm interested in
your undercoating.

Mary, I just wanted you to know

I've made it up to bug.

I have him an "a" on his test.

You faked his grade?

Yes. I made things right.

Oh, dick, you can't do that.

Why not?

Well... you just can't.

What do you want from me?!

I want you to think, dick.

I want you to think about how
your actions affect other people.

What about the other
students in your class,

the ones you've hurt?

Sure, they act like they're
not vulnerable, but they are.

I've never seen you this concerned
about other people before.

Is this about you?

Yes, it's about me.

But, Mary, we're broken up.

We have been for months.

I know, but... There's still
some stupid part of me

that thought we might
get back together.

I have that stupid part, too!

Forget it. We're not
getting back together.

Why not?

'Cause you ruined it.

I thought I'd already
ruined everything

I could possibly ruin!

Well, you missed a spot.

Oh, what was I thinking?

Anita was a mistake.

It was fun for a while,

but then it was so... Empty.

Not like with you.

I'm sorry.


Ok, but don't grind me.

Dr. sol...

Wow. You'll nail
anything that moves.

Come here.

Please, just give me a
moment alone with...

Bug, uh, sit down, bug.

I've learned a lot

over the past few
days, bug, and...

I just want to say that...

I'm sorry for what I
said about your mother.

Also, I feel it only fair

to give you the
grade you deserve,

which, as you probably
know, is an "f."


Oh, first you and my mom,

and now you're giving me an "f"?

Oh, man.

Oh, man!





Is this the illustrious Dr.

Yes, that's me. And you are?

So angry!

Dad... shut up, son.

I mean that in the
most caring way.

I'm glad you're here, Mr.

I was just telling bug
how concerned I was

about your ex-wife's
lurid sexcapades.

Will you please stop
talking about that?

You'd think this was the
first woman you ever had.

Well, not to brag,

but actually, it's my second.

Oh, a ladies' man.

Big shot.

Smooth talker.

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

No, no, no. Hold on.

I'm just trying to set
my house in order.

Granted, having sex with
her in my car is fun...

You had it in your car?

Don't hit him!

Let me go!

I don't care if I ever
play the harp again!


I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

I wonder how long I
can convince Tina

that the viper's in the shop.

Oh, probably a long time.

Yeah. She's not the shiniest
coin in the fountain.

Don't worry, Tommy.

We'll get a car eventually.

It was just our bad luck

that we happened to get
the one car salesman

who gives his whole
profession a bad name.


Groovy meat monocle.

Oh, thanks.

No more casual sex for you.

You know, there's no such
thing as casual sex.

It has all these repercussions.

Well, maybe it wouldn't

if you'd just shut up about it.

If I hadn't talked about it,

I never would have found
out something wonderful.

That Mary still cares about me.

Oh, like I said, you should
have just shut up about it.


Excuse me, but is this the
line for the 3:15 show?

No, no. N-no, you don't!

I'm just here to see a movie.

I'm not having sex with you!

Please, just take some
raisinets and go.

Leave me alone!

Go on!

Go on!

That was a close one.

Keep running, you vulgar slut!