3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 9 - My Mother the Alien - full transcript
Mrs. Dubcek asks the Solomons to babysit her grandson. At first Sally dislikes the whole idea of babysitting but it doesn't take long for her to totally fall in love with the kid. This can't be said of Harry, Tommy and Dick, who are driven mad by the power and influence the child has. Mary goes away for three days and Dick persuades her to let him take care of her fishes.
TV: AND 1 AND 2, AND
THERE YOU GO. THAT'S IT!
FEEL THE BURN.
[GIGGLES]
WELL, HELLO, STRANGE BABY.
WHO'S THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME BABY.
THAT'S NO BABY. BABIES ARE PINK
AND WRINKLY AND WEAR BLANKETS.
DICK, YOU BETTER COME IN HERE.
WHO'S THIS?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME BABY.
WHAT DOES IT WANT?
UH, I'LL FIND OUT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HELLO. HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY...
THERE'S MY LITTLE RUGRAT.
MRS. DUBCEK, YOU HAD A BABY.
HE'S MY GRANDSON.
I'M BABYSITTING HIM.
MY SON AND HIS WIFE ARE SPENDING
THE WEEK AT CAESAR'S PALACE.
AHH... ROME.
HMM.
COULD I ASK YOU FOLKS
TO DO ME A FAVOR?
NO, SORRY.
COULD YOU WATCH THE LITTLE GUY
WHILE I RUN OUT TO THE DOCTOR'S?
NO. YES, WE'D BE HAPPY TO.
OH, GREAT.
GREAT. HE'S HAD HIS NAP,
AND HE'S JUST BEEN CHANGED.
WHAT WAS HE BEFORE?
MRS. DUBCEK, WHY DO YOU ASSUME
THAT SALLY WILL BE
TAKING CARE OF THE BABY?
SHE'S A WOMAN.
PFFT... YET ANOTHER PERK.
I'LL GO GET HIS STUFF.
NOW, HE MAY BE JUST
A LITTLE BIT CRANKY.
HE'S GOT TEETH COMING IN.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL... SIGN FOR THEM.
PERMISSION TO ASK WHAT
THE HELL YOU JUST DID.
NO, NO. IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY
TO OBSERVE A BRAND-NEW HUMAN.
BESIDES, YOU ALWAYS
SAID YOU WANTED A BABY.
NOT THIS BABY. I WANT ONE OF
MY OWN, ONE MADE FROM SCRATCH.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
HEY, I BEEN WORKIN' OUT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
[BABY CRIES]
TURN IT OFF.
I CAN'T.
THEN TURN IT DOWN.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
TOMMY, ENTERTAIN
HIM TILL I GET BACK.
WHAT, ME? I DON'T KNOW...
[STAMMERS]
ALL RIGHT, KID. UH,
I'LL READ YA A STORY.
UM, "DINGO BOY
RELEASED FROM POUND.
BURT REYNOLDS UP IN ARMS."
LOOK, IT'S A REAL
DINGO BOY. SEE? SEE?
MOVE IT. WHAT?
HEY, THOSE ARE MY CROUTONS.
LET HIM BUY HIS OWN CROUTONS.
LOOK, HE'S EATING.
HE LIKES THE CROUTONS, HARRY.
THEY'RE NUMMY-NUM. YES.
OH, WHY ARE YOU TALKIN'
LIKE THAT TO THE BABY?
I HAVE MY REASONS.
WELL, I'M OFF.
DICK, LOOK. MRS. DUBCEK WAS
RIGHT. I AM GREAT WITH THIS KID.
WELL, HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.
[CRIES]
WELL, HE'S SCREAMING.
WHY IS HE SCREAMING?
SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP.
[STOPS CRYING]
HEY, HE STOPPED. SEE,
I'M GREAT WITH THIS KID,
AND HE HATES YOU.
GIVE ME THAT BABY.
[CRIES]
[STOPS CRYING]
[CRIES]
[STOPS CRYING]
AAH!
OH... DAMN!
SEE, YOU MAKE HIM CRY.
OH, NONSENSE. HAVEN'T YOU
EVER HEARD OF TEARS OF JOY?
YEAH.
WEAR THE HAT. NO. NO. NO.
COME ON, IT'S MARY'S
GOING-AWAY PARTY.
SHE'S ONLY GOING TO
BE GONE FOR THREE DAYS.
PLEASE. NO.
HAT. HAT. HAT.
NO. NO. NO.
HELLO.
SURPRISE!
SURPRISE.
MARY, I MISS YOU ALREADY.
NOW, DICK, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO THROW ME A SURPRISE PARTY
EVERY TIME I GO TO A CONFERENCE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING THAT
IF NINA HAD WORN HER HAT.
OH. OH. NINA...
HERE ARE MY KEYS.
YOU KNOW WHERE I
KEEP THE FISH FOOD.
NINA'S TAKING CARE OF YOUR FISH?
Y-YES.
MARY, SHOULDN'T I BE DOING THAT?
UH...
UH...
NINA ALREADY KNOWS
WHERE I KEEP THE FOOD.
I SEE.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS.
UH-HUH.
IT MUST MAKE IT A LOT
EASIER FOR YOU THEN.
IF YOU REALLY WANNA DO IT...
OH, YES, I DO. I DO.
MARY, I WANNA TAKE CARE
OF YOUR FISH, DESPERATELY.
REALLY, NINA, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HA HA HA. JUST DOIN' MY JOB.
I HAVE FISH, YOU KNOW.
DO YOU?
MM-HMM. THEY'RE IN MY FREEZER.
HERE YA GO, BABY.
WELL, HE HATED THAT.
[EXHALES]
WHEN'S SALLY GONNA GET
BACK WITH THOSE DIAPERS?
OH, LOOK,
SOME COMIN' OUT
OF HIS NOSE AGAIN.
YUCK. IT'S LIKE HE'S GOT WETNESS
COMING OUT OF EVERY
HOLE IN HIS BODY.
DUMB, WET BABY.
HEY... HE LIKES IT.
AHH.
MAYBE NOT.
AHH.
SUDDENLY IT'S NOT QUITE SO FUNNY
WHEN I DO IT, NOW IS IT?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S A BABY.
OH.
OH, MARY, THIS
MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
YEAH. OK, NOW, LET'S GO
OVER THIS ONE MORE TIME.
THE FILTER AND THE
HEATER ARE AUTOMATIC.
DON'T TOUCH THEM.
WHAT IF I NEED TO TOUCH THEM?
WHY SHOULD YOU
NEED TO TOUCH THEM?
WHAT IF I WANT TO TOUCH THEM?
JUST DON'T TOUCH THEM.
OK, NOW, HERE'S
SOMETHING I LIKE TO DO.
IF THE FISH HAVE BEEN
GOOD, I LIKE TO REWARD THEM
WITH A LITTLE BRINE SHRIMP.
AND IF THEY'RE BAD,
I'LL MAKE THEM WATCH
WHILE I EAT THE BRINE SHRIMP.
NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY,
BUT I'M VERY ATTACHED
TO THESE FISH.
PLEASE DON'T KILL THEM.
YOU LOVE YOUR
FISH, AND I LOVE YOU.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING
TO LOVE YOUR FISH.
JUST FEED THEM.
DON'T TOUCH THE FILTER!
OK. OK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
HELLO?
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?
HOW MANY TIMES DO I
HAVE TO GO OVER THIS?
WHEN THAT BABY IS ASLEEP,
THAT PHONE IS NOT TO
RING MORE THAN ONCE.
RIGHT.
THE ONE RING RULE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HARRY, DID YOU THROW
APPLESAUCE ALL OVER THE FLOOR?
NO. IT WAS THE BABY.
HE MADE A CUTE LITTLE DESIGN.
THAT WAS MRS. DUBCEK.
SHH!
[WHISPERING] She won't
be back until tomorrow.
WHAT?!
SHE SAID SHE WAS STILL
WOOZY FROM THE MEDICATION,
AND SHE GOT ON THE
WRONG BUS AND WOKE UP
IN A PETTING ZOO IN CLEVELAND.
OHH.
OH, THAT OLD EXCUSE.
WE GET TO KEEP THE
BABY ANOTHER DAY.
OH, GREAT. OH, AND BY THE WAY,
IT WAS ME THAT
SPILLED APPLESAUCE.
IT WAS? NO. IT WAS THE BABY.
YES, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT...
SHH! SHH!
[WHISPERING] I think
I hear him turning over.
[WHISPERING] I
don't hear anything.
[WHISPERING] Of course
you don't. You're a man.
OHH... DAMN.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
THAT BABY HAS
TAKEN CONTROL OF US.
THE ONE WITH THE LEAST
INTELLIGENCE IS RUNNING THE SHOW.
THIS IS GETTING OLD FAST. THERE
ARE THREE OF US AND ONLY ONE OF HIM.
YEAH, WE'RE BIGGER THAN
HIM. WE'RE WAY SMARTER.
WE CAN TAKE THIS
BABY. WHO'S WITH ME?
UNH. UNH. UNH.
COME ON, MEN.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
YEOW!
ONE RING.
HELLO, FISH.
LOOK AT YOU IN THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
ARE YOU IN THE TANK OR AM I?
WELL, IT'S YOU, STUPID FISH.
HERE, I BROUGHT
YOU SOME PRESENTS:
A TREASURE CHEST FILLED
WITH GOLD DOUBLOONS,
A TOPLESS MERMAID...
TRY NOT TO STARE...
AND BEST OF ALL,
I BROUGHT YOU A NEW FRIEND.
I CALL HER SNOWFLAKE
BECAUSE SHE'S SOFT AND DELICATE.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
IF I READ YOU A
NIGHT-NIGHT STORY.
IT'S CALLED TALES
OF THE CALYPSO.
SECRETS OF THE OCEAN DEEP.
[FRENCH ACCENT]
"SLOWLY, SO SLOWLY,
"THE DAY TURNS INTO NIGHT.
"THE DARKNESS TAUNTS THE LIGHT
"THAT DANCES IN
THE DEPTHS BELOW.
"SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING,
"DANGER STRIKES.
"OCTOPUS, OCTOPUS...
YOUR CHILDREN ARE DYING."
[SOBS]
I WANT THAT. I WANT THAT. I
WANT THAT. I WANT THAT. I WANT...
WE'RE HERE TO GET
SOMETHING FOR THE BABY.
WE'RE NOT HERE TO
GET SOMETHING FOR YOU.
NUTS.
HERE, BABY. WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
WHERE'D HE GO?
[GASPS]
OH, NO.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
HOLD ON, BABY!
NO, SALLY, YOU CAN'T.
LET ME GO. I'VE GOTTA SAVE HIM.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. THAT'S
A BOTTOMLESS BALL PIT OF DEATH!
I DON'T CARE. THAT'S MY BABY!
NO-O-O-O-O.
AAH!
OHH.
I'VE GOT HIM.
I'VE GOT HIM.
HEY, LADY, WE ONLY LET
CHILDREN CLIMB IN THE BALL PIT.
THAT IS SO SICK.
LIEUTENANT, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.
AND I MEAN THE LOCKED-
IN-A-CAR-WASH-OVERNIGHT KIND OF HELL.
YEAH. IT'S THIS BABY.
HE RAN ME RAGGED ALL DAY.
OH, THAT INSOLENT LITTLE TWERP.
HE'S GONE TOO FAR.
TOMORROW, I'M GRANTING YOU A
ONE-DAY FURLOUGH. GO INTO TOWN.
GET YOURSELF A TATTOO.
I CAN'T. TOMORROW I'M
TAKING THE BABY TO THE PARK
AND THEN THE ZOO, AND
THEN I'M TAKING HIM GOLFING.
I THINK HE HAS REAL TALENT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
I AM. I MEAN, I KNOW I
COMPLAINED AT THE START,
BUT, DICK, THIS IS THE
FIRST ASSIGNMENT I'VE HAD
WHERE I REALLY FEEL
LIKE I'M USING ALL OF ME.
IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I
CANNOT DO ENOUGH FOR HIM.
THE MORE HE NEEDS
ME, THE MORE I NEED HIM.
[GASPS]
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA. WHAT?
LET'S WAKE HIM UP AND
THEN ROCK HIM BACK TO SLEEP.
NO! WHY NOT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
IT'S AS IF THIS BABY HAS
MADE YOU GO ALL SOFT.
IT'S BROKEN DOWN YOUR DEFENSES.
I KNOW. HE'S MY
WITTLE BUNNY RABBIT.
GOD, WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT?
YOU'RE A WEAPONS EXPERT.
I'M STILL A WARRIOR. IT'S
JUST NOW I'M THE PROTECTOR,
NOT THE AGGRESSOR.
OHH. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO SLEEP.
YOU CAN'T. I'VE TUCKED
HIM IN YOUR BED.
AS HIGH COMMANDER, I ORDER
YOU TO UNTUCK HIM AT ONCE!
DICK, I'M NOT TAKING
ORDERS FROM YOU ANYMORE.
I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A HIGHER
COMMANDER. HIS RANK? BABY!
W-W-WAIT. WHERE
AM I GOING TO SLEEP?
USE HIS ROOM.
[SLAM]
FINE.
MORNING, CHILDREN.
HELLO, SNOWFLAKE.
WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE?
COME OUT. COME OUT.
WHY, SNOWFLAKE, YOU'RE
LOOKING A LITTLE BLOATED.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU BAD FISH!
BAD, BAD FISH!
WHERE'S THAT BRINE SHRIMP?
SEE? NONE FOR YOU.
DICK.
MARY, YOU'VE COME BACK EARLY.
THE CONFERENCE WAS A DISASTER.
I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT
WAS A GOOD IDEA?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BACK.
NO. BESIDES, I MISSED YOU.
I WAS SO LO...
WHERE'S MY FISH?
D-OH. THERE'S YOUR FISH.
THAT'S NOT MY
FISH. OH, SURE IT IS.
YOU KILLED MY FISH!
NO, I DIDN'T. HE DID!
YOU JACKASS!
YEAH, YOU JACKASS!
HELLO, SWEETHEART.
CAN YOU SAY MY NAME?
SALLY.
NO.
SAL-LY.
NO.
S-S-SAL-LY.
NO.
SAL-LY.
YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULDN'T TRY SO HARD.
KIDS DEVELOP AT DIFFERENT RATES,
AND RESISTANCE IS THE
SIGN OF AN ANALYTICAL MIND.
REALLY? NO.
YOU DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA FIND MR. SOCK MONKEY.
YOU LIKE MR. SOCK MONKEY, RIGHT?
SALLY? OH, SALLY,
I FEEL JUST AWFUL.
I'VE KILLED THE FISH
OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.
UH-HUH. COME ON, MR. SOCK
MONKEY. WHERE ARE YA?
THOSE FISH WERE
EVERYTHING TO HER.
I'VE GOT TO FIND
SOMETHING TO REPLACE THEM.
COME ON OUT, YOU
ARGYLE PIECE OF CRAP!
SALLY, HELLO.
SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU, DICK.
SHE CAN ONLY HEAR THE BABY.
HARRY, HAVE YOU
SEEN MR. SOCK MONKEY?
WHY, NO.
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME? I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL DAY.
♪ LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ♪
IT'S PROBABLY IN THE BEDROOM.
CALL ME IF HE NEEDS ANYTHING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WELL, HELLO.
SOCK MONKEY! HA HA.
GIVE IT TO ME!
YES. YES.
YOU SHOULD DO JUST FINE.
YOU MIGHT EVEN FIT IN THE TANK.
MARY! MARY... DO YOU REMEMBER
HOW I KILLED YOUR FISH?
NO.
WELL, I DID,
BUT I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
COME ON IN.
WHOSE BABY IS THAT?
MINE. WELL, NOT FOR KEEPS.
IT'S REALLY SALLY'S. I MEAN,
SHE GOT IT FROM MRS. DUBCEK.
LET'S JUST CALL IT A RENTAL.
COME ON, PLAY WITH HIM.
DICK, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE
THAT CHILD BACK TO ITS MOTHER.
JUST HOLD HIM. I
GUARANTEE YOU'LL LIKE IT.
I'M SERIOUS.
TAKE HIM FOR A SPIN
AROUND THE BLOCK,
THEN WE'LL TALK.
THERE YOU ARE! THERE YOU ARE.
I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON
AS I DEAL WITH YOU, SWEETIE.
COME ON, HONEY. COME ON, DICK!
Dick: WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?
Sally: I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
YOU FOUND HIM.
OH, GOOD. NOW WE
CAN STOP LOOKING.
I WAS GONNA BRING HIM
RIGHT BACK, LIEUTENANT.
IF I WERE A GOOD MOTHER, I'D
PUSH YOU DOWN THOSE STAIRS.
YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER.
TECHNICALLY, NO, BUT
THAT'S GONNA CHANGE.
HOW?
I'VE DECIDED TO KEEP THE BABY.
NO! WHAT?!
YOU CAN'T. HE'S NOT YOURS.
I'M WILLING TO OVERLOOK THAT.
HE NEEDS ME. HE'S HELPLESS.
AND WHAT AM I?!
YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM. THEY
HAVE RULES ABOUT THESE THINGS.
THEY HAVE LAWS
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
THEY HAVE TV MOVIES
ABOUT THESE THINGS!
DICK, I'M KEEPING
HIM. THAT'S FINAL.
Mrs. Dubcek: HELLO?
ANYBODY HOME?
I HAVE TO HIDE HIM.
WHAT?
YOU'RE COMING RIGHT BACK
IN HERE THIS INSTANT. SALLY!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR
WATCHING MY GRANDSON.
I HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK.
I WON'T BORE YOU.
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
WELL, WHERE IS MY LITTLE FELLA?
UH, MRS. DUBCEK, I'M
SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE'RE HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH OUR OVEN.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEM?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW? YOU'RE
A LANDLADY. YOU TELL US.
HARRY, SHOW MRS.
DUBCEK TO THE OVEN.
STUFF HER IN IT IF YOU HAVE TO.
SALLY!
IS SHE GONE YET? NO.
THEN WE'RE NOT COMING OUT.
I ORDER YOU TO
THINK THIS THROUGH.
OK. HMM. NO!
D-OH. SALLY...
YOUR OVEN SEEMS FINE.
I'LL JUST GET MY LITTLE BOY,
AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
SO SOON? MRS. DUBCEK,
WE'VE BEEN LIVING IN THIS
ATTIC FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW,
AND WE KNOW VERY LITTLE
ABOUT YOU. SIT DOWN.
TELL US EVERYTHING.
LEAVE NOTHING OUT.
WHAT?
EVERYTHING. TRAVEL. MARRIAGES.
MEDICAL HISTORY.
WELL, THERE'S A DOCTOR IN MEXICO
THAT ONCE SAID I HAD
THE EXACT DNA OF A LEMUR.
WHOO. WHOO. WHOO.
THAT'S SO FASCINATING.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. SALLY!
WELL, HERE HE IS.
YOU HAVE TO GO HOME NOW, BABY.
THERE'S MY LITTLE MAN.
BYE, BABY.
BYE, SALLY.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
OOH, WHAT A BIG BOY YOU ARE.
WELL... THANK GOD HE'S GONE.
I'M GONNA MISS HIM.
EXCUSE ME. I'M GONNA GO
TAKE CARE OF THE OTHER BABY.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HIM.
I DO.
THEN WHY DID YOU
SUDDENLY GIVE HIM BACK?
I GUESS I LOVE HIM
ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT HIS REAL MOM
NEEDS HIM MORE THAN I DO.
I MEAN... WHEN I COULDN'T
FIND HIM, I WENT CRAZY.
I COULDN'T PUT HIS
MOTHER THROUGH THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
ONE OF YOUR OWN?
OH, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU GO FOR IT?
YEAH, RIGHT, AND LET
THIS BODY GO TO HELL?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MARY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
YOU HAVE A DOG.
YES. MARY, I WANT EVERYTHING
TO GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS
BEFORE I KILLED YOUR FISH.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S GOING
TO TAKE SOME TIME.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOSE
SOMETHING THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
WHAT I DID WAS VERY, VERY WRONG.
WHY DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
I WENT TO THE PET STORE
TO BUY YOU SOME NEW FISH,
AND I SAW THIS CUTE LITTLE GUY.
OH, DICK, I CAN'T
TAKE CARE OF A DOG.
IF YOU CAN LOVE A FISH,
YOU CAN LOVE A DOG.
HE IS KIND OF CUTE.
COME HERE, BOY. UNH.
OH, LOOK AT HIM.
HE LOVES YOU, MARY.
HE'S SO CUTE.
DON'T RESIST HIM. LET
YOURSELF BE HUMAN.
HE LOVES YOU. MARY,
HE REALLY LOVES YOU.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
THERE YOU GO. THAT'S IT!
FEEL THE BURN.
[GIGGLES]
WELL, HELLO, STRANGE BABY.
WHO'S THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME BABY.
THAT'S NO BABY. BABIES ARE PINK
AND WRINKLY AND WEAR BLANKETS.
DICK, YOU BETTER COME IN HERE.
WHO'S THIS?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME BABY.
WHAT DOES IT WANT?
UH, I'LL FIND OUT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HELLO. HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY...
THERE'S MY LITTLE RUGRAT.
MRS. DUBCEK, YOU HAD A BABY.
HE'S MY GRANDSON.
I'M BABYSITTING HIM.
MY SON AND HIS WIFE ARE SPENDING
THE WEEK AT CAESAR'S PALACE.
AHH... ROME.
HMM.
COULD I ASK YOU FOLKS
TO DO ME A FAVOR?
NO, SORRY.
COULD YOU WATCH THE LITTLE GUY
WHILE I RUN OUT TO THE DOCTOR'S?
NO. YES, WE'D BE HAPPY TO.
OH, GREAT.
GREAT. HE'S HAD HIS NAP,
AND HE'S JUST BEEN CHANGED.
WHAT WAS HE BEFORE?
MRS. DUBCEK, WHY DO YOU ASSUME
THAT SALLY WILL BE
TAKING CARE OF THE BABY?
SHE'S A WOMAN.
PFFT... YET ANOTHER PERK.
I'LL GO GET HIS STUFF.
NOW, HE MAY BE JUST
A LITTLE BIT CRANKY.
HE'S GOT TEETH COMING IN.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL... SIGN FOR THEM.
PERMISSION TO ASK WHAT
THE HELL YOU JUST DID.
NO, NO. IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY
TO OBSERVE A BRAND-NEW HUMAN.
BESIDES, YOU ALWAYS
SAID YOU WANTED A BABY.
NOT THIS BABY. I WANT ONE OF
MY OWN, ONE MADE FROM SCRATCH.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
HEY, I BEEN WORKIN' OUT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
[BABY CRIES]
TURN IT OFF.
I CAN'T.
THEN TURN IT DOWN.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
TOMMY, ENTERTAIN
HIM TILL I GET BACK.
WHAT, ME? I DON'T KNOW...
[STAMMERS]
ALL RIGHT, KID. UH,
I'LL READ YA A STORY.
UM, "DINGO BOY
RELEASED FROM POUND.
BURT REYNOLDS UP IN ARMS."
LOOK, IT'S A REAL
DINGO BOY. SEE? SEE?
MOVE IT. WHAT?
HEY, THOSE ARE MY CROUTONS.
LET HIM BUY HIS OWN CROUTONS.
LOOK, HE'S EATING.
HE LIKES THE CROUTONS, HARRY.
THEY'RE NUMMY-NUM. YES.
OH, WHY ARE YOU TALKIN'
LIKE THAT TO THE BABY?
I HAVE MY REASONS.
WELL, I'M OFF.
DICK, LOOK. MRS. DUBCEK WAS
RIGHT. I AM GREAT WITH THIS KID.
WELL, HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.
[CRIES]
WELL, HE'S SCREAMING.
WHY IS HE SCREAMING?
SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP.
[STOPS CRYING]
HEY, HE STOPPED. SEE,
I'M GREAT WITH THIS KID,
AND HE HATES YOU.
GIVE ME THAT BABY.
[CRIES]
[STOPS CRYING]
[CRIES]
[STOPS CRYING]
AAH!
OH... DAMN!
SEE, YOU MAKE HIM CRY.
OH, NONSENSE. HAVEN'T YOU
EVER HEARD OF TEARS OF JOY?
YEAH.
WEAR THE HAT. NO. NO. NO.
COME ON, IT'S MARY'S
GOING-AWAY PARTY.
SHE'S ONLY GOING TO
BE GONE FOR THREE DAYS.
PLEASE. NO.
HAT. HAT. HAT.
NO. NO. NO.
HELLO.
SURPRISE!
SURPRISE.
MARY, I MISS YOU ALREADY.
NOW, DICK, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO THROW ME A SURPRISE PARTY
EVERY TIME I GO TO A CONFERENCE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING THAT
IF NINA HAD WORN HER HAT.
OH. OH. NINA...
HERE ARE MY KEYS.
YOU KNOW WHERE I
KEEP THE FISH FOOD.
NINA'S TAKING CARE OF YOUR FISH?
Y-YES.
MARY, SHOULDN'T I BE DOING THAT?
UH...
UH...
NINA ALREADY KNOWS
WHERE I KEEP THE FOOD.
I SEE.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS.
UH-HUH.
IT MUST MAKE IT A LOT
EASIER FOR YOU THEN.
IF YOU REALLY WANNA DO IT...
OH, YES, I DO. I DO.
MARY, I WANNA TAKE CARE
OF YOUR FISH, DESPERATELY.
REALLY, NINA, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HA HA HA. JUST DOIN' MY JOB.
I HAVE FISH, YOU KNOW.
DO YOU?
MM-HMM. THEY'RE IN MY FREEZER.
HERE YA GO, BABY.
WELL, HE HATED THAT.
[EXHALES]
WHEN'S SALLY GONNA GET
BACK WITH THOSE DIAPERS?
OH, LOOK,
SOME COMIN' OUT
OF HIS NOSE AGAIN.
YUCK. IT'S LIKE HE'S GOT WETNESS
COMING OUT OF EVERY
HOLE IN HIS BODY.
DUMB, WET BABY.
HEY... HE LIKES IT.
AHH.
MAYBE NOT.
AHH.
SUDDENLY IT'S NOT QUITE SO FUNNY
WHEN I DO IT, NOW IS IT?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S A BABY.
OH.
OH, MARY, THIS
MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
YEAH. OK, NOW, LET'S GO
OVER THIS ONE MORE TIME.
THE FILTER AND THE
HEATER ARE AUTOMATIC.
DON'T TOUCH THEM.
WHAT IF I NEED TO TOUCH THEM?
WHY SHOULD YOU
NEED TO TOUCH THEM?
WHAT IF I WANT TO TOUCH THEM?
JUST DON'T TOUCH THEM.
OK, NOW, HERE'S
SOMETHING I LIKE TO DO.
IF THE FISH HAVE BEEN
GOOD, I LIKE TO REWARD THEM
WITH A LITTLE BRINE SHRIMP.
AND IF THEY'RE BAD,
I'LL MAKE THEM WATCH
WHILE I EAT THE BRINE SHRIMP.
NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY,
BUT I'M VERY ATTACHED
TO THESE FISH.
PLEASE DON'T KILL THEM.
YOU LOVE YOUR
FISH, AND I LOVE YOU.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING
TO LOVE YOUR FISH.
JUST FEED THEM.
DON'T TOUCH THE FILTER!
OK. OK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
HELLO?
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?
HOW MANY TIMES DO I
HAVE TO GO OVER THIS?
WHEN THAT BABY IS ASLEEP,
THAT PHONE IS NOT TO
RING MORE THAN ONCE.
RIGHT.
THE ONE RING RULE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HARRY, DID YOU THROW
APPLESAUCE ALL OVER THE FLOOR?
NO. IT WAS THE BABY.
HE MADE A CUTE LITTLE DESIGN.
THAT WAS MRS. DUBCEK.
SHH!
[WHISPERING] She won't
be back until tomorrow.
WHAT?!
SHE SAID SHE WAS STILL
WOOZY FROM THE MEDICATION,
AND SHE GOT ON THE
WRONG BUS AND WOKE UP
IN A PETTING ZOO IN CLEVELAND.
OHH.
OH, THAT OLD EXCUSE.
WE GET TO KEEP THE
BABY ANOTHER DAY.
OH, GREAT. OH, AND BY THE WAY,
IT WAS ME THAT
SPILLED APPLESAUCE.
IT WAS? NO. IT WAS THE BABY.
YES, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT...
SHH! SHH!
[WHISPERING] I think
I hear him turning over.
[WHISPERING] I
don't hear anything.
[WHISPERING] Of course
you don't. You're a man.
OHH... DAMN.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
THAT BABY HAS
TAKEN CONTROL OF US.
THE ONE WITH THE LEAST
INTELLIGENCE IS RUNNING THE SHOW.
THIS IS GETTING OLD FAST. THERE
ARE THREE OF US AND ONLY ONE OF HIM.
YEAH, WE'RE BIGGER THAN
HIM. WE'RE WAY SMARTER.
WE CAN TAKE THIS
BABY. WHO'S WITH ME?
UNH. UNH. UNH.
COME ON, MEN.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
YEOW!
ONE RING.
HELLO, FISH.
LOOK AT YOU IN THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
ARE YOU IN THE TANK OR AM I?
WELL, IT'S YOU, STUPID FISH.
HERE, I BROUGHT
YOU SOME PRESENTS:
A TREASURE CHEST FILLED
WITH GOLD DOUBLOONS,
A TOPLESS MERMAID...
TRY NOT TO STARE...
AND BEST OF ALL,
I BROUGHT YOU A NEW FRIEND.
I CALL HER SNOWFLAKE
BECAUSE SHE'S SOFT AND DELICATE.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
IF I READ YOU A
NIGHT-NIGHT STORY.
IT'S CALLED TALES
OF THE CALYPSO.
SECRETS OF THE OCEAN DEEP.
[FRENCH ACCENT]
"SLOWLY, SO SLOWLY,
"THE DAY TURNS INTO NIGHT.
"THE DARKNESS TAUNTS THE LIGHT
"THAT DANCES IN
THE DEPTHS BELOW.
"SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING,
"DANGER STRIKES.
"OCTOPUS, OCTOPUS...
YOUR CHILDREN ARE DYING."
[SOBS]
I WANT THAT. I WANT THAT. I
WANT THAT. I WANT THAT. I WANT...
WE'RE HERE TO GET
SOMETHING FOR THE BABY.
WE'RE NOT HERE TO
GET SOMETHING FOR YOU.
NUTS.
HERE, BABY. WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
WHERE'D HE GO?
[GASPS]
OH, NO.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
HOLD ON, BABY!
NO, SALLY, YOU CAN'T.
LET ME GO. I'VE GOTTA SAVE HIM.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. THAT'S
A BOTTOMLESS BALL PIT OF DEATH!
I DON'T CARE. THAT'S MY BABY!
NO-O-O-O-O.
AAH!
OHH.
I'VE GOT HIM.
I'VE GOT HIM.
HEY, LADY, WE ONLY LET
CHILDREN CLIMB IN THE BALL PIT.
THAT IS SO SICK.
LIEUTENANT, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.
AND I MEAN THE LOCKED-
IN-A-CAR-WASH-OVERNIGHT KIND OF HELL.
YEAH. IT'S THIS BABY.
HE RAN ME RAGGED ALL DAY.
OH, THAT INSOLENT LITTLE TWERP.
HE'S GONE TOO FAR.
TOMORROW, I'M GRANTING YOU A
ONE-DAY FURLOUGH. GO INTO TOWN.
GET YOURSELF A TATTOO.
I CAN'T. TOMORROW I'M
TAKING THE BABY TO THE PARK
AND THEN THE ZOO, AND
THEN I'M TAKING HIM GOLFING.
I THINK HE HAS REAL TALENT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
I AM. I MEAN, I KNOW I
COMPLAINED AT THE START,
BUT, DICK, THIS IS THE
FIRST ASSIGNMENT I'VE HAD
WHERE I REALLY FEEL
LIKE I'M USING ALL OF ME.
IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I
CANNOT DO ENOUGH FOR HIM.
THE MORE HE NEEDS
ME, THE MORE I NEED HIM.
[GASPS]
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA. WHAT?
LET'S WAKE HIM UP AND
THEN ROCK HIM BACK TO SLEEP.
NO! WHY NOT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
IT'S AS IF THIS BABY HAS
MADE YOU GO ALL SOFT.
IT'S BROKEN DOWN YOUR DEFENSES.
I KNOW. HE'S MY
WITTLE BUNNY RABBIT.
GOD, WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT?
YOU'RE A WEAPONS EXPERT.
I'M STILL A WARRIOR. IT'S
JUST NOW I'M THE PROTECTOR,
NOT THE AGGRESSOR.
OHH. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO SLEEP.
YOU CAN'T. I'VE TUCKED
HIM IN YOUR BED.
AS HIGH COMMANDER, I ORDER
YOU TO UNTUCK HIM AT ONCE!
DICK, I'M NOT TAKING
ORDERS FROM YOU ANYMORE.
I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A HIGHER
COMMANDER. HIS RANK? BABY!
W-W-WAIT. WHERE
AM I GOING TO SLEEP?
USE HIS ROOM.
[SLAM]
FINE.
MORNING, CHILDREN.
HELLO, SNOWFLAKE.
WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE?
COME OUT. COME OUT.
WHY, SNOWFLAKE, YOU'RE
LOOKING A LITTLE BLOATED.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU BAD FISH!
BAD, BAD FISH!
WHERE'S THAT BRINE SHRIMP?
SEE? NONE FOR YOU.
DICK.
MARY, YOU'VE COME BACK EARLY.
THE CONFERENCE WAS A DISASTER.
I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT
WAS A GOOD IDEA?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BACK.
NO. BESIDES, I MISSED YOU.
I WAS SO LO...
WHERE'S MY FISH?
D-OH. THERE'S YOUR FISH.
THAT'S NOT MY
FISH. OH, SURE IT IS.
YOU KILLED MY FISH!
NO, I DIDN'T. HE DID!
YOU JACKASS!
YEAH, YOU JACKASS!
HELLO, SWEETHEART.
CAN YOU SAY MY NAME?
SALLY.
NO.
SAL-LY.
NO.
S-S-SAL-LY.
NO.
SAL-LY.
YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULDN'T TRY SO HARD.
KIDS DEVELOP AT DIFFERENT RATES,
AND RESISTANCE IS THE
SIGN OF AN ANALYTICAL MIND.
REALLY? NO.
YOU DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA FIND MR. SOCK MONKEY.
YOU LIKE MR. SOCK MONKEY, RIGHT?
SALLY? OH, SALLY,
I FEEL JUST AWFUL.
I'VE KILLED THE FISH
OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.
UH-HUH. COME ON, MR. SOCK
MONKEY. WHERE ARE YA?
THOSE FISH WERE
EVERYTHING TO HER.
I'VE GOT TO FIND
SOMETHING TO REPLACE THEM.
COME ON OUT, YOU
ARGYLE PIECE OF CRAP!
SALLY, HELLO.
SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU, DICK.
SHE CAN ONLY HEAR THE BABY.
HARRY, HAVE YOU
SEEN MR. SOCK MONKEY?
WHY, NO.
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME? I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL DAY.
♪ LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA ♪
IT'S PROBABLY IN THE BEDROOM.
CALL ME IF HE NEEDS ANYTHING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WELL, HELLO.
SOCK MONKEY! HA HA.
GIVE IT TO ME!
YES. YES.
YOU SHOULD DO JUST FINE.
YOU MIGHT EVEN FIT IN THE TANK.
MARY! MARY... DO YOU REMEMBER
HOW I KILLED YOUR FISH?
NO.
WELL, I DID,
BUT I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
COME ON IN.
WHOSE BABY IS THAT?
MINE. WELL, NOT FOR KEEPS.
IT'S REALLY SALLY'S. I MEAN,
SHE GOT IT FROM MRS. DUBCEK.
LET'S JUST CALL IT A RENTAL.
COME ON, PLAY WITH HIM.
DICK, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE
THAT CHILD BACK TO ITS MOTHER.
JUST HOLD HIM. I
GUARANTEE YOU'LL LIKE IT.
I'M SERIOUS.
TAKE HIM FOR A SPIN
AROUND THE BLOCK,
THEN WE'LL TALK.
THERE YOU ARE! THERE YOU ARE.
I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON
AS I DEAL WITH YOU, SWEETIE.
COME ON, HONEY. COME ON, DICK!
Dick: WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?
Sally: I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
YOU FOUND HIM.
OH, GOOD. NOW WE
CAN STOP LOOKING.
I WAS GONNA BRING HIM
RIGHT BACK, LIEUTENANT.
IF I WERE A GOOD MOTHER, I'D
PUSH YOU DOWN THOSE STAIRS.
YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER.
TECHNICALLY, NO, BUT
THAT'S GONNA CHANGE.
HOW?
I'VE DECIDED TO KEEP THE BABY.
NO! WHAT?!
YOU CAN'T. HE'S NOT YOURS.
I'M WILLING TO OVERLOOK THAT.
HE NEEDS ME. HE'S HELPLESS.
AND WHAT AM I?!
YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM. THEY
HAVE RULES ABOUT THESE THINGS.
THEY HAVE LAWS
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
THEY HAVE TV MOVIES
ABOUT THESE THINGS!
DICK, I'M KEEPING
HIM. THAT'S FINAL.
Mrs. Dubcek: HELLO?
ANYBODY HOME?
I HAVE TO HIDE HIM.
WHAT?
YOU'RE COMING RIGHT BACK
IN HERE THIS INSTANT. SALLY!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR
WATCHING MY GRANDSON.
I HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK.
I WON'T BORE YOU.
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
WELL, WHERE IS MY LITTLE FELLA?
UH, MRS. DUBCEK, I'M
SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE'RE HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH OUR OVEN.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEM?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW? YOU'RE
A LANDLADY. YOU TELL US.
HARRY, SHOW MRS.
DUBCEK TO THE OVEN.
STUFF HER IN IT IF YOU HAVE TO.
SALLY!
IS SHE GONE YET? NO.
THEN WE'RE NOT COMING OUT.
I ORDER YOU TO
THINK THIS THROUGH.
OK. HMM. NO!
D-OH. SALLY...
YOUR OVEN SEEMS FINE.
I'LL JUST GET MY LITTLE BOY,
AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
SO SOON? MRS. DUBCEK,
WE'VE BEEN LIVING IN THIS
ATTIC FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW,
AND WE KNOW VERY LITTLE
ABOUT YOU. SIT DOWN.
TELL US EVERYTHING.
LEAVE NOTHING OUT.
WHAT?
EVERYTHING. TRAVEL. MARRIAGES.
MEDICAL HISTORY.
WELL, THERE'S A DOCTOR IN MEXICO
THAT ONCE SAID I HAD
THE EXACT DNA OF A LEMUR.
WHOO. WHOO. WHOO.
THAT'S SO FASCINATING.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. SALLY!
WELL, HERE HE IS.
YOU HAVE TO GO HOME NOW, BABY.
THERE'S MY LITTLE MAN.
BYE, BABY.
BYE, SALLY.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
OOH, WHAT A BIG BOY YOU ARE.
WELL... THANK GOD HE'S GONE.
I'M GONNA MISS HIM.
EXCUSE ME. I'M GONNA GO
TAKE CARE OF THE OTHER BABY.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HIM.
I DO.
THEN WHY DID YOU
SUDDENLY GIVE HIM BACK?
I GUESS I LOVE HIM
ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT HIS REAL MOM
NEEDS HIM MORE THAN I DO.
I MEAN... WHEN I COULDN'T
FIND HIM, I WENT CRAZY.
I COULDN'T PUT HIS
MOTHER THROUGH THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
ONE OF YOUR OWN?
OH, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU GO FOR IT?
YEAH, RIGHT, AND LET
THIS BODY GO TO HELL?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MARY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
YOU HAVE A DOG.
YES. MARY, I WANT EVERYTHING
TO GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS
BEFORE I KILLED YOUR FISH.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S GOING
TO TAKE SOME TIME.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOSE
SOMETHING THAT YOU CARE ABOUT.
WHAT I DID WAS VERY, VERY WRONG.
WHY DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
I WENT TO THE PET STORE
TO BUY YOU SOME NEW FISH,
AND I SAW THIS CUTE LITTLE GUY.
OH, DICK, I CAN'T
TAKE CARE OF A DOG.
IF YOU CAN LOVE A FISH,
YOU CAN LOVE A DOG.
HE IS KIND OF CUTE.
COME HERE, BOY. UNH.
OH, LOOK AT HIM.
HE LOVES YOU, MARY.
HE'S SO CUTE.
DON'T RESIST HIM. LET
YOURSELF BE HUMAN.
HE LOVES YOU. MARY,
HE REALLY LOVES YOU.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE