3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 8 - World's Greatest Dick - full transcript

Tommy's mentor advices Dick to send him to a school for gifted students. This he does, knowing Tommy really doesn't want to go. In a bar, Sally meets a rather masculine guy named Glenn and they obviously feel attracted to each other. Sally however hasn't yet learned everything there is to know about the two sexes it turns out. Harry in the meantime tries to conjure, but it's still a long way to being a Houdini.

COME ON, DICK. I WANT
TO GO TO THE MAGIC SHOP.

HARRY, SALLY, GO
GET SOME CHANGE.

WE'LL WAIT HERE WITH THE CAR.

OH, I GOTTA GET
SOME NEW SNEAKERS.

MY TOES ARE BURSTING
OUT OF THESE THINGS.

I JUST BOUGHT YOU
THOSE THREE MONTHS AGO.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE
A FREAK, DON'T YOU?

LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M GROWING.

OH, IF IT WERE JUST THE GROWING.

BUT FOR EVERY INCH YOU SPROUT,
YOU BECOME THAT MUCH MORE INSOLENT.

YOU DO THAT MUCH
WORSE IN SCHOOL.



SO WHAT?

YOU'RE GONNA BECOME
THE WORLD'S TALLEST IDIOT.

WHY ARE YOU ON MY CASE?

BECAUSE I CAN'T
STOMACH ANOTHER ONE

OF THOSE INTERMINABLE
PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCES.

LOOK, I DID NOT ASK TO
BE THE TEENAGER, OK?

YOU MADE ME.

"LONE STAR DRILLING COMPANY."

I'LL BET THEY HAVE CHANGE.

YEAH. OILMEN ARE RICH.

WELL, CHECK YOU OUT.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A REAL WOMAN.

THANKS.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.



I STILL CAN'T GET USED
TO THOSE MOOD SWINGS.

WAY TO COMMIT, GIRL.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HELLO.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
THE ART OF ILLUSION?

HI THERE.

HI THERE.

COULD YOU CHANGE A DOLLAR?

FOR YOU, I COULD
CHANGE ANYTHING.

I DON'T SEE A LOT OF MEN
AS GOOD-LOOKING AS YOU.

I DON'T SEE A LOT OF MEN
AS GOOD-LOOKING AS YOU.

WELL, WE'RE FABULOUS, AREN'T WE?

OH, YEAH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

YOU GOT A VISITOR.

DR. SOLOMON, I'M
CANDACE BALLARD.

HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'M TOMMY'S GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

BY THE WAY,

MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
MIGHT STOP BY TONIGHT.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO
BECOME THE MODEL STUDENT?

I DID! I'VE ACED EVERY TEST!

THEN WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
BRILLIANT, NOT CLAIRVOYANT.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK

YOU JUST ONCE MAKE
ME A PROUD FATHER?

IT'S NOT MY MISSION
TO MAKE YOU PROUD.

IT IS IF I SAY SO.

IT IS NOT.

SAY IT'S YOUR MISSION.

NO!

SAY IT! SAY IT!

IT'S MY MISSION.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THEN I'LL SEE YA.

COME BACK IN HERE AND SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

GIVE ME YOUR COAT.

OK.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN
IF YOU KEEP LETTING ME OUT?

WELL, I HAVE SOME NEWS.

MAYBE YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.

TOMMY SCORED HIGHER
ON THE NATIONAL MERIT QUIZ

THAN ANYONE IN OHIO'S HISTORY.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

NO. THAT'S A GOOD THING.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

YOU'VE RAISED A VERY BRIGHT BOY.

SORRY. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

YOU'VE RAISED A VERY BRIGHT BOY?

NO ONE'S EVER SAID THAT
TO ME BEFORE. SAY IT AGAIN.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I
WANTED TO TALK...

NO. JUST SAY IT. I LOVE
THAT, THE BRIGHT BOY PART.

BRIGHT BOY.

IN FACT, HE'S DONE SO WELL,

I THINK HE SHOULD TRANSFER

TO THE PICKNEY COUNTRY
DAY SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED.

BECAUSE I RAISED A GIFTED SON.

YES!

LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE
ALREADY GIVEN HIM.

THE STIMULATION...

THE NURTURING...

AND NOT TO MENTION
THE GENES HE INHERITED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DO
GIVE A LOT AS A FATHER.

UHH!

[PLOP]

SALLY.

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO
TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

HE COOKS, HE LOVES THE
ARTS, HE WEARS GREAT SHOES,

AND HE'S SINGLE.

YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

SALLY...

MARRY THIS MAN.

TOMMY! COME IN HERE!

TOMMY!

GREAT NEWS. I'M SENDING
YOU TO THE PICKNEY SCHOOL

WHERE OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
WILL BE RECOGNIZED.

WHAT? NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO.

I'D HAVE TO LEAVE
ALL MY FRIENDS.

STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF.

THINK OF ME! HOW PROUD I'LL BE.

HE'LL GO.

WONDERFUL.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO GRAZE ON.

I'M OUT.

I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I LOVE THIS FAMILY.

WHAT IS DICK'S PROBLEM?

I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO THE PICKNEY SCHOOL.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

YOUR FATHER'S A PROFESSOR.

BY REJECTING EDUCATION,
YOU'RE REJECTING HIM.

REJECTION'S THE MOST
POWERFUL WEAPON THERE IS.

WELL, MAYBE ON EARTH.

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA BE
MISERABLE. I ALREADY HATE IT THERE.

YOU KNOW, ALL THOSE BRAINY
GIRLS ARE GONNA BE UGLY.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT

INTELLIGENT GIRLS ARE BY
DEFINITION UNATTRACTIVE?

YEAH. MOST OF THEM ARE.

OH, WHUH... HEH,
NOT ALL OF THEM ARE.

I MEAN... IN FACT, ON THE
GRAPH OF SMART GIRLS

AND THE GRAPH OF PRETTY ONES,

YOU'RE THE SOLE INTERSECTION.

THE SINGLE POINT OF PERFECTION

IN AN INFINITY OF
STUPID AND HOMELY.

WOW...

YOU ARE GIFTED.

♪ AS LONG AS I
KNOW HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ I KNOW I'LL FEEL ALIVE ♪

♪ I'VE GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE ♪

♪ I'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE ♪

♪ I'LL SURVIVE ♪

♪ I WILL SURVIVE ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

YOU'RE SMOKIN'.

I GUESS MY BODY JUST
RESPONDS TO THE CLASSICS.

THEY'RE HAVING A DANCE
CONTEST HERE NEXT WEEK.

WE'D BE UNBEATABLE.

ESPECIALLY IF WE TARGET
OUR KEY COMPETITION

AND SEVER THEIR
ACHILLES TENDONS.

WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST SO GREAT.

YOU'RE A WARRIOR IN A
WORLD FULL OF PHONIES.

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID
TO BE WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE IN THE MILITARY,
AND YOU WEAR A DRESS.

I JUST WANT TO BE ALL I CAN BE.

YOU'RE THE STRONGEST
PERSON I'VE EVER MET.

I KNOW.

OH, YEAH, WE'RE THRILLED
TO HAVE YOU HERE.

OH, DR. SOLOMON, AS A
PARENT AND EDUCATOR,

KUDOS TO YOU,

YOU'VE RAISED A
VERY SPECIAL BOY.

YES, I HAVE.

AND YOU'VE HAD THE FORESIGHT
TO BRING HIM TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

WELL, I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.

YES, WELL, PEOPLE OF BRILLIANCE

CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO FUNCTION IN A
SOCIETY RUN BY INTELLECTUAL MIDGETS.

THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY.

HA HA HA HA.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

YES, YES, YOU AND TOMMY HAVE
FOUND A HOME HERE AT THE PICKNEY.

IT'S NOT JUST FOR
EXCEPTIONAL STUDENTS,

IT'S FOR EXCEPTIONAL PARENTS.

WELL, THEN, YOU MUST
BE DELIGHTED TO MEET ME.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

AH, ARAMIS, THANKS
FOR STOPPING BY.

TOMMY, CONSIDER ARAMIS
PICKNEY'S WELCOME WAGON.

I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU WHAT'S
WIRED AND WHAT'S TIRED.

SOMEBODY SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD.

WELL, DR. MENARD, NOW
THAT THE CHILDREN ARE AWAY,

LET'S DISCUSS ME
AT GREAT LENGTH.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

OH, HEY! HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

GREAT! I AM THE
KING OF DORKOPOLIS.

MY LIEGE.

TOMMY.

LOOKIN' GOOD.

DAD...

FEELIN' STUPID.

OH, DICK, YOU GOT
MONEY IN YOUR SHOES.

OOH!

YOU'VE GOT MONEY IN YOUR SHOES.

I WANT MONEY SHOES.

HARRY, NO. MONEY SHOES
ARE FOR PICKNEY STUDENTS

AND PICKNEY PARENTS ONLY.

RATS!

TOMMY, LOOK AT THIS.

FIRST IN YOUR CLASS.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

YOU'VE MADE ME SO PROUD, SON.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED:

MONEY, A RIDE
SOMEWHERE, CUFFLINKS?

CAN I BUILD YOU A DARKROOM?

ANYTHING YOU WANT,
NAME IT, IT'S YOURS.

I WANT TO GO BACK
TO MY OLD SCHOOL.

CUFFLINKS, IT IS.

DON'T PUT BUMPER
STICKERS ON MY CAR.

WHY DO YOU THINK IT WAS ME?

"I'M THE PROUD SECRETARY FOR THE
FATHER OF THE SMARTEST KID AT PICKNEY."

IT MAY HAVE BEEN ME.

DICK, DID YOU SEE THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT TOMMY IN THE PAPER?

TOMMY?

MY SON?

THE CHILD GENIUS?

YES, THAT TOMMY.

"FINEST TO COMPETE IN
PICKNEY'S KNOWLEDGE BOWL.

SMARTEST..." [MUMBLING]

AH! HERE IT IS.

"TOMMY'S FATHER,
DR. DICK SOLOMON,

"PHYSICS PROFESSOR AT
NEARBY PENDELTON UNIVERSITY,

"REMINDS PEOPLE THAT
GENIUS IS 1% PERSPIRATION,

AND 99% BRILLIANT FATHER."

YOU DON'T THINK I OVERSTATED
MY INFLUENCE, DO YOU?

NO.

AND HIP AND HIP
AND HIP, HIP, HIP.

NOW THE ARMS AND
ARMS AND OUT AND IN

AND, SALLY, YOU'RE
LEADING AGAIN.

I KEEP FORGETTING. I'M THE GIRL.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO GO.
I'M GETTING MY CHEST WAXED.

HEY, YOU WANNA COME?
I'VE GOT A COUPON.

UH, NO. I PREFER TO TWEEZE.

OUCH!

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT USUALLY
ATTRACTED TO YOUR TYPE,

BUT YOU ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WELL, WHAT YOU
SEE IS WHAT YOU GET.

YOU'RE PRETTY INTO HIM, HUH?

I THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

HIP, HIP, HIP, HIP, HIP.

WHY WOULD I WANT
TO WAX MY CHEST?

OK, TOMMY, I READ THAT YOU'RE
COMPETING IN THE KNOWLEDGE BOWL.

SO WHAT?

SO, WE HAVE TO REVIEW.

WHAT? DICK, THAT'S STUPID.

I'M THE INFORMATION
OFFICER. I KNOW EVERYTHING.

MAYBE... MAYBE NOT.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HOW ABOUT PHYSICS... IN RUSSIAN?

[QUESTIONING IN RUSSIAN]

[ANSWERING IN RUSSIAN]

WRONG.

IT'S... [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

NO. YOU ASKED THE
QUESTION WRONG.

IF YOU WANTED...
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

YOU SHOULD HAVE
ASKED... [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

FAMOUS ONTOLOGISTS IN GREEK.

[SPEAKING GREEK]

[SPEAKING GREEK]

BRYANT GUMBEL.

IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.

[SPEAKING GREEK] BRYANT GUMBEL?

POETS OF THE LI RIVER DELTA.

COMPLETE HUANG PO'S CLASSIC
COUPLET OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

AGGHH.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THIS ISN'T EVEN
A SO-CALLED LIFE.

OH, WELL, AS HARRY
HOUDINI ONCE SAID,

"PICK A CARD, ANY CARD."

IT'S MY MISSION TO BE A
TEENAGER, BUT RIGHT NOW,

I HATE MY FATHER,
I HATE MY SCHOOL,

AND MY LIFE SEEMS
HOPELESS. SOME TEENAGER I AM.

CUT THE DECK.

IF I'M GONNA DO MY JOB, I'VE
GOTTA BE IN A REAL SCHOOL,

ONE WITH METAL DETECTORS
AND PREGNANT CHEERLEADERS.

FOLD THE EDGES OF YOUR
CARDS EVER SO SLIGHTLY.

WHY AM I EVEN PUTTING
MYSELF THROUGH ALL THIS,

SO DICK CAN FEEL PROUD?

PICK ANOTHER CARD, ADD
THE VALUE, MULTIPLY BY 4.

SO, I MEAN, SOMETHING'S CRAZY.

I'M NOT DICK'S SON. I'M
THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

I GOTTA BRING THIS
MISSION BACK ON COURSE.

WRITE THE NUMBER ON
YOUR ARM SO I CANNOT SEE IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING LEFT TO DO...

SHUFFLE.

SABOTAGE.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE OK, AS LONG
AS NONE OF THOSE ARE CLUBS.

PICK A CARD.

TA-DA!

REMEMBER TO PHRASE YOUR
ANSWER IN THE FORM OF AN ANSWER.

OK. NEXT QUESTION.

"TABULA RASA IS A LATIN
TERM MEANING WHAT?"

TOMMY KNOWS THIS ONE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

[DING]

"TABULA RASA" MEANS BLANK SLATE.

THAT IS CORRECT.

JAA!

HE'S PROBABLY JUST NERVOUS.

RELAX! DAMN YOU! RELAX!

"WHICH IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER IS
KNOWN FOR HIS SERIES OF WATER LILIES?"

[DING]

THAT'S A VERY EASY
ONE, DR. MENARD.

THE ANSWER IS...

PICASSO.

NO!!

[DING]

THE ANSWER IS CLAUDE MONET.

DR. SOLOMON, COMPETITION
IS ESSENTIAL TO LEARNING.

BITE ME!

"WHAT IS THE OUTER ENVELOPE OR ATMOSPHERE
OF GAS SURROUNDING THE SUN CALLED?"

[DING]

OOH, HMM...

THAT'S A TOUGHIE.

YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

Dr. Menard: 5 SECONDS.

3... 2... 1.

IT'S CALLED THE CORONA.

YOU'VE BEEN THERE!

YOU KNOW THAT!

DICK, COME ON, HE'S TRYING.

HE'S YOUR SON.

SON? HE'S NOT MY SON!

I HAVE NO SON!

AY!

OH!

LET'S GO WIN US A CONTEST.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR THAT
LITTLE RED NUMBER YOU'VE GOT?

IT'LL LOOK BETTER
WITH MY OUTFIT.

BUT I LOOK SO HOT.

YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING
FLASHIER THAN THAT.

LET ME SEE YOUR CLOSET.

FINE. HELP ME WITH THE ZIPPER.

DON'T WORRY. I'M
VERY GOOD AT THIS.

SLIP OUT OF THAT DRESS.

AAH!

OHH!

LOOK, I MADE A BIG, BIG MISTAKE.

WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT DID I DO?

HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

I EXPECTED MORE...

WHAT, I'M NOT YOUR
KIND OF WOMAN?

OH, SALLY...

YOU ARE A WOMAN.

WH-WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS?

WOW.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH
REPREHENSIBLE BEHAVIOR.

I DON'T BLAME YOU IF YOU
HAVE TO EXPEL TOMMY.

DR. SOLOMON, WE STILL CONSIDER
TOMMY PICKNEY MATERIAL.

IT IS YOU WHO IS BANNED
FROM THE PICKNEY.

I'M BANNED!

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

TOMMY DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME
TO THIS ROBOT FACTORY OUTLET.

I MADE HIM! ME! ME! ME!

AND NOW I'M PUTTING HIM BACK IN A
REAL SCHOOL WHERE HE CAN BE HIMSELF.

THE KIND OF SCHOOL
WHERE KIDS AREN'T JUDGED

ON HOW WELL THEY TEST
OR HOW MUCH THEY KNOW.

WHERE THEY AREN'T JUDGED AT ALL!

WHERE THEY HAVE THE FREEDOM
TO STAY FACELESS AND NAMELESS

FROM FROM "K" THROUGH 12,

CARRYING THEIR DIPLOMAS STRAIGHT
THROUGH THE GOLDEN ARCHES

AND ON INTO THEIR
WAITING McJOBS.

COME ON, TOMMY.
WE'RE GOING HOME.

[SMACK]

AHH.

DICK AND TOMMY
WERE THE BEST OF PALS.

BUT THEN ONE DAY,
DICK USED TOMMY

TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD.

NOW, TO GET BACK AT
HIM, TOMMY USED DICK

TO MAKE DICK LOOK VERY BAD.

NOW, APART, THEY WERE JUST
TWO SEPARATE HANDKERCHIEFS...

SHUT UP, HARRY. SHUT UP, HARRY.

BUT THEN MAGICALLY
THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS...

BECAUSE YOU MADE MY LIFE SUCK.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST TELL ME THAT?

WELL, I TRIED TO. YOU
WERE IMPENETRABLY HAPPY.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE
FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIP

THAT MAKES
COMMUNICATION SO DIFFICULT?

IS IT THE FATHER USING HIS SON

TO MAKE GOOD ON HIS
UNFULFILLED DREAMS?

OR IS IT THE SON,

DEFINING HIMSELF BY
REJECTING HIS FATHER?

IT'S NEITHER.

IT'S BOTH.

IT'S MEN.

AND HOW DID YOU ACQUIRE
THIS NEW EXPERTISE?

YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED WITH GLENN?

REMEMBER WHEN WE SAID
TWO SEXES MUST BE SO LIMITING?

I THINK GLENN FOUND A LOOPHOLE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,

NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

YOU'RE A PRECOCIOUS KID,

BUT THIS IS A GAME OF WISDOM.

ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN,

LET'S SETTLE THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL.

CHECKMATE!

OH! DAMN IT!

OH, WAIT, LOOK.

MY ROOK CAN TAKE YOUR...

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