3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 7 - Fourth and Dick - full transcript

OH, IT'S THAT THING AGAIN.

I HAVE A NAME.

I MEAN, FOOTBALL.

I THOUGHT THEY
CANCELED THAT IN JANUARY.

WELL, GUESS THEY
BROUGHT IT BACK.

I STILL DON'T SEE THE POINT.

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,

THEY TRY TO KILL
WHOEVER HAS THE BALL.

THOSE TWO GUYS IN THE
MIDDLE SEEM AWFULLY...

INTIMATE.



YEAH, THEY'VE BEEN GOING
AT IT THE WHOLE GAME.

YEAH, THEY SHOULD
JUST GET A ROOM.

IS THERE ANY UPSIDE?

IF YOU MAKE IT

ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE
BIG POLES, YOU GET TO DANCE.

DANCE?

AND IF YOU'RE REALLY GOOD,

YOU WIN A TRIP TO
SOME FRUIT BOWL.

BUT ONLY THE BEST
DANCERS MAKE IT.

SEE YA.

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I HAVE GLEE CLUB PRACTICE.

GLEE CLUB?

YEAH.



OH, I SEE YOU'VE
CHANGED YOUR MISSION.

NOW YOU'RE RESEARCHING
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A GIRL.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, GLEE
CLUB IS NOT JUST FOR GIRLS.

YEAH, IT'S ALSO FOR
GEEKS AND NANCY BOYS.

HEY!

OH, HE'S DANCING.

HEY!

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY
A WASTE OF TIME.

GO AND DO SOMETHING WITH
ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.

THAT'S AN ORDER.

FINE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS.

YOU AND ME, SISTER.

YOU AND ME.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

[SCHOOL MARCHING BAND
PLAYS TUMBLING TUMBLEWEEDS]

THEY ARE SO GOOD.

THEY OUGHT TO BE.
THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING

THE SAME DAMN SONG
FOR THE PAST SIX HOURS.

THEY'RE A MARCHING BAND.

WHY DON'T THEY MARCH!

PREFERABLY INTO THE OCEAN.

OH, COME ON, DICK. DON'T
TELL ME YOU'RE NOT EXCITED

ABOUT THE HOMECOMING WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW, BETWEEN
THE PENDELTON BADGERS

AND OHIO WESTERN MUSTANGS?

OH, IT'S FOOTBALL!

EVERYWHERE I TURN,

IT'S FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL,

BIG FAT SCHMOOTBALL.

WELL, FORGIVE ME,
MR. INTELLECTUAL.

GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD COME
DOWN FROM YOUR IVORY TOWER

FOR FOUR QUARTERS.

FOUR QUARTERS? I DON'T
CARE WHAT YOU PAY ME,

I'M NOT GOING.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH THERE WAS
A GIANT PAPIER-MACHé RODENT

BLOCKING MY PARKING
SPOT THIS MORNING.

YOU MEAN PENDELTON J. BADGER.

WHAT DOES THE "J" STAND FOR?

NOTHING.

NOTHING STARTS WITH "N."

IT'S JUST A KOOKY INITIAL.

"Q" IS KOOKIER.

WHY ISN'T IT
PENDELTON Q. BADGER?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY
DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

ANYWAY, I GOT US GREAT SEATS.

OHHH!

WELL, IT'S NOT JUST
A SPORTING EVENT.

IT'S A LONG-STANDING TRADITION:

PENDELTON VS. OHIO WESTERN.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO DEFEAT THEM,

THE SECRET IS RIGHT
IN FRONT OF YOU:

THE GIANT BADGER.

IT'S A TROJAN FLOAT.

WE LOAD OUR TEAM IN,

WE PUSH IT UP TO
THEIR SCHOOL WALLS,

AND THEY SAY, "LOOK, A
FRIENDLY GIANT BADGER.

LET'S BRING IT INSIDE."

LATER THAT NIGHT,

THEY FALL ASLEEP.

AND WHAMMO!

IT COULD WORK.

IT'S NOT VERY SPORTSMANLIKE.

WELL, I'LL ADMIT, IT DOESN'T
INVOLVE ANY DANCING

OR HOMO-EROTIC BUTT SLAPPING.

ALTHOUGH YOU NEVER
KNOW WHAT GOES ON

INSIDE A GIANT BADGER.

[SINGING OFF-KEY] ♪ BALI HA'I ♪

♪ WILL CALL YOU ♪

♪ ANY NIGHT, ANY DAY ♪

♪ HERE AM I ♪

♪ YOUR SPECIAL ISLAND ♪

♪ COME AWAY, COME AWAY ♪

♪ BALI HA'I... ♪

THAT WAS REALLY, UM...

BETTER.

EVERYONE, TAKE A SEAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU MUSTN'T
BE AFRAID TO SING

FROM YOUR HEART, FROM YOUR MIND,

FROM YOUR BODY.

MUSIC IS THE SOUND
YOUR SOUL MAKES.

TRY IT LIKE THIS.

♪ YOU'LL HEAR ME CALL YOU ♪

♪ SINGING THROUGH THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ SWEET AND CLEAR AS CAN BE ♪

♪ HERE AM I ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ HERE AM I ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ HERE AM I ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ BALI HA'I ♪

[SIGHS]

OK, NOW, WHO WOULD
LIKE TO STAND UP

AND TRY IT LIKE THAT?

TOMMY.

NINA, HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, I'M KIND OF
BUSY RIGHT NOW.

UH, LISTEN, UM...

WE'RE FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?

[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY] YEAH, SURE.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I'VE DECIDED
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

UH, NO.

THANKS, NINA.

I FINALLY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

YOU'RE MY FIRST ONE.

OH, SALLY, I AM?

WHY, IS THAT WEIRD?

OH, NO.

NO, NO, IT'S TOUGH MAKING
FRIENDS WITH WOMEN.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

I CAN BARELY STAND MYSELF.

SO, UM...

WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO NOW, GIRLFRIEND?

DO YOU WANT TO GO SHOPPING
OR TALK ABOUT CRAMPS?

SHOPPING.

AND FOR MONDAY, I WANT
YOU TO READ AND OUTLINE

CHAPTERS 8 THROUGH 24.

OH... OH, EXCEPT FOR CHAPTER 12,

WHICH YOU WILL REFUTE
IN A 10-PAGE TREATISE

WITH ILLUSTRATIONS.

OH, COME ON.

DR. SOLOMON, IT'S
HOMECOMING WEEKEND.

YEAH, THE BIG GAME.

OH, YES, I FORGOT.

GOD FORBID THAT YOUR
INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT

SHOULD GET IN THE
WAY OF THE BIG GAME.

WHAT COULD BE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN THE BIG GAME?

THE FATE OF MANKIND RESTS ON
THE OUTCOME OF THE BIG GAME.

IS HE BEING SARCASTIC?

OH, AND I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

THE "J" IN PENDELTON J. BADGER,

IT'S MEANINGLESS.

[GASP] [GASP] [GASP]

DR. SOLOMON, YOU'VE
INSULTED MY INTELLIGENCE,

MY RELIGION, AND MY FAMILY.

AND THAT'S OK.

BUT THERE'S ONE THING
YOU CANNOT INSULT

AND THAT'S THE BADGERS,

BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

ABOUT A BADGER, MAN.

WHEN THEY DIG HOLES,
THEY DO IT FOR A REASON.

AND THEIR TEETH..

THEY'RE REALLY SHARP
WHEN THEY'RE VERY YOUNG.

SO I'M GOING TO THAT GAME,

AND I DON'T CARE IF
YOU FAIL ME FOR IT.

BUT YOU'RE ALREADY FAILING.

OK, AS LONG AS WE
SEE EYE TO EYE ON THAT.

I JUST DON'T SEE WHY
YOU CARE SO MUCH

ABOUT A TEAM THAT HAS
NO CHANCE OF WINNING.

WHY ARE YOU SO PASSIONATE

ABOUT A LOST CAUSE?

OHIO WESTERN'S
RECORD IS 6 AND 1.

THEY'RE GOING TO WIN. WHY
DON'T YOU ROOT FOR THEM?

BUT WE GO TO PENDELTON.

WE'RE THE BADGERS,
AND THE BADGERS ARE US.

WE'RE US, NOT THEM.

THEY'RE THEM,
WE'RE US WITH THE...

DON'T YOU GET IT?

NO!

WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST GO TO WESTERN?

BECAUSE WE CHOKED
ON OUR S.A.T.s.

THAT SKIRT WAS
REALLY CUTE, WASN'T IT?

AND THEN THOSE SHOES
THAT LOOKED SO GREAT ON YOU.

THANK YOU.

SO, THIS IS WHERE YOU LIVE.

NINA, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

GET ME SOME COFFEE.

WE'RE NOT AT THE OFFICE.
I'M HERE WITH SALLY.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE'S MY FRIEND.

MY BEST FRIEND.

IF SHE'S GONNA GET ANYBODY
COFFEE, IT'S GONNA BE ME.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. NINA,

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO GET
COFFEE FOR, SALLY OR ME?

OK, I HAVE TO GO
HOME AND FEED MY CAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A CAT.

I'M GOING TO GO BUY ONE.

I'LL CALL YOU IN 10 MINUTES.

OK.

ACCORDING TO THE
DAILY BADGERIAN,

OVER 45,000 ALUMNI WILL RETURN TO
PENDELTON FOR THE HOMECOMING GAME.

YOU'D THINK THAT
AFTER FOUR YEARS,

THEY'D WANT TO PUT THE
EXPERIENCE BEHIND THEM.

ALL I KNOW IS, MY FRIEND NINA
AND I ARE GOING TOGETHER.

WE BOUGHT NEW OUTFITS.

I THINK I'M GOING TO GO, TOO.

REALLY!

IT'S NOT THAT I'M
BEING SUCKED IN.

IT'S PURELY SCIENTIFIC.

AND WHO KNOWS?
PENDELTON MIGHT WIN.

THAT WOULD BE DA BOMB.

YOU HEARD ME. DA BOMB!

DICK, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, I MET THIS WOMAN
THAT I REALLY LIKE,

AND I THINK SHE LIKES ME.

BUT SHE'S A LITTLE OLDER.

31.

BUT, TOMMY, DO YOU REALLY
THINK A WOMAN OF THAT AGE

WOULD BE INTERESTED IN YOU?

SURE.

WOW, GOOD JOB.

WHAT'S YOUR FIRST MOVE?

I DON'T KNOW. I WANT TO
TAKE HER SOMEPLACE SPECIAL.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT ABOUT AUGUST?

OH, SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.
SHE'S A GOOD KID.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A WORD
FOR WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

OH, RIGHT. IT'S
CALLED "TRADING UP."

HEY, GUYS, GUESS WHAT.

I WENT DOWN TO THE STADIUM
TO SEE IF I COULD GET A JOB

AS A VENDOR FOR THE GAME.

DID YOU GET IT?

NO. I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
EXPERIENCE TO SELL HOT DOGS.

SO THEY HIRED ME
AS A SECURITY GUARD.

HI.

HI, TOMMY.

SUNNY D?

THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, TOMMY,

YOU MAY THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED,

BUT I REALLY THINK YOU'RE
MAKING A LOT OF PROGRESS.

I'M TRYING.

I KNOW YOU ARE.

AND IT'LL PAY OFF, TRUST ME.

I'M COUNTING ON IT.

UM, MISS FROST, I GOT
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

IT'S A TICKET TO THE
HOMECOMING PENDELTON GAME.

THE MUSTANGS/BADGER GAME?

YEAH.

OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET,

BUT I COULDN'T ACCEPT A GIFT.

UH, NO, MY DAD, HE
GETS THEM FOR FREE.

HE WORKS AT THE UNIVERSITY.

THEY PAY HIM SQUAT,
SO THEY GIVE HIM PERKS.

WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY.

MAN ON FIRST.

HEY, BUY US A COUPLE OF BEERS?

SURE.

SO, YOU GIRLS GOING
TO THE BIG GAME?

WE DON'T WANT TO TALK
TO YOU. WE'RE JUST BROKE.

THIS IS SO STRANGE.

I FEEL THIS GNAWING
IN MY STOMACH.

I TOLD YOU,

THIS IS NOT THE PLACE
FOR OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER.

NO, IT FEELS MORE LIKE TENSION.

I'M NOT SURE, BUT I
THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY

BE NERVOUS ABOUT THE GAME.

NERVOUS?

THERE'S NOTHING TO
BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

BECAUSE THE BADGERS
ARE GONNA WIN!

THE BADGERS BEAT THE MUSTANGS?

IN YOUR DREAMS.

WHOO!

GO AHEAD, LAUGH NOW,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING
TO BE CRYING TOMORROW.

OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

WE'RE GONNA BEAT
YOU A MILLION TO ONE!

OH, YEAH, RIGHT, LIKE
YOU'RE GONNA SCORE

2,380 TOUCHDOWNS A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SCORE ANYTHING.

THESE AREN'T THE SAME BADGERS

YOU PUSHED AROUND LAST YEAR.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH, WE'VE GOT A BUNCH
OF FIFTH-YEAR SENIORS,

AND THEY BULKED UP LIKE CRAZY.

OOH!

AND THEY'VE GOT HEART.

YEAH, ONE EACH.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT BAD
NEWS FOR YOU, LADY...

SHE'S NO LADY. SHE'S A BADGER.

SHOW HIM YOUR TEETH, MARY.

OH. OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU'RE GOING DOWN,

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE BADGERS SUCK.

BADGERS DON'T SUCK. THEY BITE.

YOU GUYS ARE NUTS.

NUTS LIKE A BADGER.

YEAH.

HURRY!

HURRY!

HURRY!

WHAT? WHAT?

THE WESTERN TEAM
BUS IS JUST PULLING UP.

THIS GLASS IS COLD.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST DROP THE
AX THERE, LITTLE BUDDY.

I SAID DROP IT!

AUGUST, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY THESE WORDS.

BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH
ANOTHER WOMAN.

WHO IS IT, TOMMY?

IT'S MISS FROST.

MISS FROST?

THE GLEE CLUB TEACHER?

I'M AFRAID SO. IT JUST HAPPENED.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

YOU'RE NOT UPSET OR JEALOUS?

NO.

NOT AT ALL.

I HOPE YOU TWO WILL BE
VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.

OH, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU, TOO.

I'VE BEEN SEEING VAL KILMER.

REALLY?

I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE.

WHEW.

WE'LL BITE YA.

WE'LL BEAT YA.

WE'LL EAT YA.

WE'LL EAT YA. GO BADGERS!

YAY!

OH, MARY, YOU WERE SO RIGHT.

I FEEL GREAT.

I JUST FEEL TINGLY ALL OVER.

AND THAT'S NOT JUST
THE LEAD PAINT TALKING.

YOU REALLY WENT
ALL OUT, DIDN'T YOU?

BUG AND PITMAN DID IT.

THEY DIDN'T WANT
TO, BUT I MADE THEM.

IT GOES ALL THE WAY
DOWN, YOU KNOW.

TOMMY.

OH, MISS FROST.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

CORN DOG?

WELL, HELLO, MRS. SUMNER.

HOW'S THE DEAN?

OH, HE'S FINE, THANK YOU.

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA
HAVE TO LOOK IN THAT BAG.

WHAT?

UH, UH...

OH! BINOCULARS, HUH?

AND EXACTLY WHO IS IT

THAT YOU WERE
PLANNING ON LOOKING AT,

BECAUSE AROUND HERE,

WE GOT A LITTLE THING
CALLED RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

OK, SPREAD 'EM, LADY.

THIS IS SOLOMON.
I NEED A K-9 UNIT.

PLEASE, GOD, BLOCK
THE EXTRA POINT.

I PROMISE I'LL NEVER
ASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

SCREW MARY'S
SHUT-IN GRANDMOTHER.

JUST BLOCK THAT KICK!

YES, YES, YES!

[CROWD GROANS]

THERE IS NO GOD!

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT YOUR BADGERS NOW?

UP YOURS, BUDDY!

QUICK, DICK, GIVE
HIM THE FINGER.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?!

I DON'T GET IT. OUR
GUYS DON'T ADVANCE.

THEY'RE IN A CONSTANT
STATE OF RETREAT.

[CROWD GROANS]

I CAN'T WATCH THIS ANYMORE.

S...

23, GET UP HERE!

GET IN THERE, AND REMIND
THEM WE'RE GOING THAT WAY.

EXCUSE ME, LADY.

HEY, I'M THE COACH.

OH, YEAH? SO YOU'RE THE IDIOT

WHO'S RUNNING THIS
TEAM INTO THE GROUND.

THAT'S ME. YOU GOT A
PROBLEM WITH THAT?

YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO.

TAKE THAT PRETTY
LITTLE BUTT OF YOURS

AND MARCH IT UP TO THE BLEACHERS

AND PARK IT.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY
THE SAME THING TO YOU.

YEAH?

YEAH.

YEAH?

YEAH!

WHY ARE YOUR GUYS
THROWING THE BALL?

YOUR THROWING GUY'S TOO
SHORT TO SEE OVER THE FAT GUYS.

YOU NEED TO RUN LEFT.
IT'S THEIR WEAK SIDE.

OH, WHAT DO WE DO AFTER
THAT, MS. SCHOTENHEIMER?

YOU KNOW, THEY WON'T EXPECT IT.

SHE'S RIGHT, COACH.

YOU SHUT UP, OR I'LL
QUIT FIXING YOUR GRADES.

NO.

NO.

NO.

OH, GOD, NO!

YEAH, NOW, THAT'S A PLAY.

YOU HEARD THE LADY.

GET ANY MORE OF
THOSE GOOD IDEAS,

YOU MARK THEM DOWN ON
THIS PAD FOR ME, WILL YOU?

CAN DO.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

AW! AW! AW!

I THINK THERE'S BEEN
A MISUNDERSTANDING.

APPARENTLY.

OK, EVERYBODY!

COME ON.

LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.

SINE, COSINE, COSINE, SINE.

3-POINT, 1-4-1-5-9!

NOW YOU TRY IT.

SINE, COSINE, COSINE, SINE.

3-POINT, 1-4-1-5...

9.

LOOK!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

LET'S KEEP IT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT,

WHO THREW THAT?

ALL RIGHT, WHO THREW THAT ONE?

HEY, NINA.

LOOK WHAT THEY
GAVE ME FOR WINNING.

OOH, STEAK SANDWICHES.

MISS FROST, I'M PRETTY
SURE WE CAN WORK THIS OUT.

TOMMY, THERE IS NO "WE."

THERE CAN'T BE.

AND I'M NOT JUST
TALKING LEGALLY.

WELL, THEN WHY'D YOU SPEND
ALL THAT TIME SINGING TO ME,

ALLURING ME, LIKE A
SIREN TO MY DESTRUCTION?

I'M A SINGING TEACHER, TOMMY.

I SING.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO GIVE YOU
THE WRONG IMPRESSION.

LOOK, I THINK YOU'D
BE BETTER OFF

WITH A GIRL YOUR OWN AGE.

YEAH.

SO WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER LOOK LIKE?

LISTEN.

CAN YOU HEAR THEM CELEBRATING?

YES. THE HAPPY SOUNDS
OF CARS OVERTURNING

AND STORES BEING LOOTED.

I LOVE THE SMELL
OF BURNING RUBBER.

IT SMELLS LIKE VICTORY.

A SWEET VICTORY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING.

THERE WE WERE, THOUSANDS
OF TOTAL STRANGERS,

ALL PULLING TOGETHER,

TRYING TO TRANSFER
OUR COLLECTIVE STRENGTH

TO A TINY GROUP OF YOUNG MEN

THAT WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

WE CHEERED FOR THEM,

AND THEY WON FOR US.

I NEVER FELT SUCH A FEELING

OF JOY AND CAMARADERIE.

THE ONLY SAD PART IS THAT
EVERYONE COULDN'T SHARE IT.

SOMEONE HAD TO LOSE.

I FEEL FOR THE MUSTANG FANS.

AH, SCREW THEM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

BADGERS RULE! BADGERS RULE!

YEAH!

OK, LOVEBIRDS.

PARTY'S OVER. LET'S,
UH, TAKE IT INSIDE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

MUSTANGS GIVE YOU PROBLEMS.

MUSTANGS GIVE YOU GRIEF.

MUSTANGS GIVE YOU TROUBLE,

BUT THE BADGERS GOT THE TEETH.

WE'RE BAD, WE'RE BAD,

WE'RE BADGERS!

WE'RE BAD, WE'RE BAD,

WE'RE BADGERS!

NOT BEAVERS.

NOT HAMSTERS.

NOT GERBILS.

NOT LAMBSTERS.

WE'RE BAD, WE'RE BAD,

WE'RE BADGERS!