3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 5 - Much Ado About Dick - full transcript

OH, DICK.

OH, MARY.

OH, WE MUSTN'T DO THIS HERE.

YES, WE MUST.

WE CAN'T.

WE CAN. I MEASURED.

Mary: OH! I HAVE AN
EARLY CLASS TOMORROW.

YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID, DICK?

SHE'S GOT AN EARLY
CLASS TOMORROW.

WILL YOU BE QUIET!

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO
GET TO SECOND BASE HERE?



THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED

SINCE SHE ENTERED THE PICTURE.

YEAH, NOW WE EVEN HAVE TO ACT
LIKE HUMANS WHEN WE'RE BY OURSELVES.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S
LIKE THAT YOKO WOMAN

WHO RUINED HER HUSBAND'S BAND.

OH, YEAH.

HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT EPISODE

WHERE SHE CONVINCED RICKY
THAT SHE COULD PLAY THE BONGOS?

THIS BITES.

Dick: OH!

SO DOES SHE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

WHAT?



THE CRUST IN YOUR
EYES, IT'S STILL THERE.

DON'T TOUCH IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE
A MORNING PERSON.

NO.

NO, I'M A MARY PERSON.

OH. OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

YOU KNOW, I HAD THE
STRANGEST DREAM

THAT YOUR BROTHER HARRY WAS CURLED
UP AT OUR FEET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'LL FINISH DRESSING.

CAN I HELP YOU?

NO.

DO YOU MIND?

I AM TRYING TO SLEEP.

SHE SLEPT OVER AGAIN?

SLEPT? NO.

WELL, EVENTUALLY...

BUT I THINK THE INNUENDO
IS DELIGHTFULLY CLEAR.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE, DICK?

SHE HOGS THE BATHROOM.

SHE LEAVES STUFF IN
THE SINK FOR ME TO WASH.

AND LAST NIGHT, SHE FORCED US

TO WATCH AN A&E BIOGRAPHY
ON SUSAN ST. JAMES.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, LIEUTENANT?

YOU LET IN AN OUTSIDER. SHE'S
GETTING IN THE WAY OF THIS MISSION.

I'M GIVING YOU AN OPPORTUNITY

TO OBSERVE HER UP CLOSE.

WELL, SHE'S NO JO ANNE WORLEY,

BUT AN ORDER'S AN ORDER.

HELLO, TOMMY.

I REALLY WANT THE TWO
OF US TO BE FRIENDS.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY
FRIENDS OF YOUR OWN?

YOU'RE PROBABLY VERY CONFUSED

ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOUR FATHER AND ME.

UH, OH, NOT REALLY.

I HAVE EXCELLENT HEARING.

WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOUR FATHER AND I
ARE GOING TO BE SEEING

A LOT MORE OF EACH OTHER.

OH, WOW.

HOW MUCH COULD POSSIBLY BE LEFT?

WELL, GOT TO GO.

SEE YOU AT THE OFFICE.

OH, I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY
DON'T I RIDE WITH YOU?

AH, I THINK IT WOULD BE A BETTER
IDEA IF WE RODE SEPARATELY,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, PEOPLE MIGHT
START THINKING

THAT WE'RE SLEEPING TOGETHER.

[GASP]

WHAT?!

NO.

WE ARE. I SWEAR!

WHY CAN'T YOU TWO
JUST RIDE TOGETHER?

YEAH, I NEED THE CAR TO
GO GROCERY SHOPPING.

AND I NEED A RIDE DOWNTOWN.

IT'S JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

WHY NOT?

SEE, DICK? THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHARE.

WE HAVE TO SHARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO
START A FIGHT HERE.

I GUESS IT'S OK FOR YOU
TO RIDE WITH ME TODAY.

YES!

WHAT'S THIS?

I WON!

I WON $150!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, LADY.

YOU OWE US $150.

OH, I SEE.

SO, YOU LURE ME DOWN
HERE TO COLLECT MY PRIZE,

THEN YOU PULL THE
OLD BAIT AND SWITCH!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

SALLY.

HELLO, DON.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

I THOUGHT YOU WALKED
OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD.

I'M BACK.

I RAN INTO TROUBLE
OUT THERE IN THE CITY.

THE CITY IS FULL OF TROUBLE.

I FOUND THIS ON MY CAR.

PARKED IN A HANDICAPPED ZONE.

I'M... I'M SURE YOU
HAD A GOOD REASON.

YES.

IT WAS THE CLOSEST
SPOT TO THE STORE.

WORKS FOR ME.

CONSIDER THIS TAKEN CARE OF.

JUST LIKE THAT?

JUST LIKE THAT.

WOW.

SALLY, CAN I TAKE
YOU OUT TONIGHT?

OK.

NO. STOP IT.

WE'RE NOT IN THE OFFICE.

BEHAVE YOURSELF.

LET'S GO BACK IN THE CAR.

NO.

NOT IN THE CAR, NOT IN THE BAR,

NOT IN THE HOUSE,
NOT UP YOUR BLOUSE.

I CANNOT TOUCH
YOU HERE OR THERE.

I CANNOT TOUCH YOU ANYWHERE.

JUDITH!

FATHER RICE.

DR. SOLOMON AND I JUST RAN
INTO EACH OTHER ON THE WAY IN.

OH, DR. SUTER.

WHAT?

I SAID, "DR. SUTER"!

YOU AGAIN!

OH, HERE.

HERE. DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?

GET AWAY FROM ME.

GOOD FOR YOU!

STAY INDEPENDENT!

DICK, UH, RUMOR HAS IT

THAT YOU AND A CERTAIN
ANTHROPOLOGY PROFESSOR

ARE, UH, GOING
AT IT PRETTY GOOD.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[SNICKERING]

TV: [CLANK]

I GOT TO GET ME AN ANVIL.

HARRY, I NEED A RIDE.

NO.

YOU KNOW, I OUTRANK YOU.

OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE...

NO, SIR.

PLEASE?

JUST GIVE ME A RIDE.

LOOK. COME ON.

I MEAN, CAN'T YOU
SEE THAT I'M BUSY?

WHAT, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK
FOR A LITTLE TIME FOR HARRY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF THE ROADRUNNER WINS
THIS NEXT ONE, YOU TAKE ME.

BUT IF HE DOESN'T, I'LL
NEVER ASK YOU AGAIN.

OK, YOU'RE ON.

I'VE SEEN THIS NEXT
SCHEME BEFORE,

AND IT'S FAR TOO
BRILLIANT TO FAIL TWICE.

TV: [KA-BOING]

TV: [AIR WHISTLING]

TV: [BAM]

LET'S GO.

Judith: I'M RIGHT.

YOU'RE WRONG.

I'M NOT WRONG.

YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THAT, TOO!

THERE'S NO WAY TO OBSERVE A
SOCIETY WITHOUT INTRUDING ON IT.

ONE CAN'T HELP BUT
LEAVE FOOTPRINTS.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

I'VE SEEN YOUR BIPEDAL GAIT.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU COULD
DROP RIGHT OUT OF THE SKY

INTO SOME STRANGE CULTURE

AND WALK AMONGST THEM UNNOTICED?

YES!

HYPOTHETICALLY.

MARY, YOU'RE AN
ANTHROPOLOGIST, BACK ME UP.

OH, I'M AFRAID I'D HAVE TO
AGREE WITH DR. SOLOMON.

OF COURSE.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH HIM.

[SNICKERING]

THIS IS A DISASTER, DICK.

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT US.

OH, WE'RE BACK TO THAT AGAIN?

WELL, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'VE WORKED HARD TO
BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN I HAD A REPUTATION.

FOR EXCELLENCE?

WELL, YES.

IN A VERY SPECIFIC CATEGORY.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG
PROFESSOR ON THE FAST TRACK,

THERE WERE THINGS THAT I DID.

WELL, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

THE DEAN.

IS THAT LIKE THE WATUSI?

SOMETIMES.

THERE WAS THIS VERY
PRESTIGIOUS JOB OPENING.

WELL, DID YOU GET IT?

NO, I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

BUT I DID GET A NICKNAME.

DR. MARY SLUT-BUNNY.

WELL, THERE'S
YOUR SILVER LINING.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

WHEN A MAN HAS
AN OFFICE ROMANCE,

IT DOESN'T AFFECT HIS CAREER,

BUT WHEN A WOMAN HAS ONE,

NO ONE TAKES HER SERIOUSLY!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OH, I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO.

I NEED TO BE ALONE TONIGHT.

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY,
DR. SLUT-BUNNY!

SALLY...

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OH, DON...

IT'S JUST THE DOUGHNUTS TALKING.

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU DID
TODAY WAS REALLY POWERFUL.

I MEAN, YOU JUST SNAPPED YOUR
FINGERS AND THINGS FELL INTO PLACE.

LET'S JUST KEEP THAT OUR
LITTLE SECRET, SHALL WE?

OK.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER DOUGHNUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN AFFORD IT?

I GET THEM FOR FREE.

ALL EXCEPT THE CREAM-FILLED.

BUT ALL THAT WILL CHANGE
WHEN I MAKE DETECTIVE.

THAT DAY WILL COME, DON.

WE'LL MAKE IT COME.

AND THEN...

WE CAN EAT CREAM-FILLED...

TOGETHER.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH ON RADIO]

1-DAVID-9er.

1-DAVID-9er. COPY THAT. 218?

218.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A 218.

I HAVE TO GO.

TAKE ME WITH YOU!

I CAN'T.

PLEASE?

LET'S RIDE!

GOODY!

TONIGHT WAS SO
EXHILARATING, DON.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER
BEEN ON A RAID BEFORE.

COME TO THINK OF IT,

I'VE NEVER HELD A CRIMINAL OFF THE
ROOF OF A WAREHOUSE BY HIS ANKLES

UNTIL HE SCREAMED, "MOMMY."

OH, MOMMY.

SALLY...

YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE,

LIKE I'VE DROPPED A
STUN GUN DOWN MY PANTS.

OH, DON...

DO IT AGAIN.

SALLY...

YOU'RE INSATIABLE.

[SIRENS BLARING]

[WHISTLING]

YOU'RE HOME AWFULLY LATE.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

DICK...

I THINK I'VE FINALLY
FOUND MY CALLING.

WHAT?

I'M JOINING THE POLICE FORCE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I'M SORRY, LIEUTENANT,
BUT I FORBID IT.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU WILL
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

SAY YOU CLEAN UP
RUTHERFORD. WHAT'S NEXT?

CLEVELAND.

EXACTLY. AND THEN
YOU'D CLEAN UP OHIO.

THAT'S THE PLAN.

SOON THE ENTIRE
MIDWEST IS CRIME-FREE.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE
INCOME DEPENDS ON CRIME?

THE LAWYERS, THE
INSURANCE COMPANIES,

THE 11:00 NEWS.

HELL, THE ENTIRE FOX NETWORK!

THERE ARE WORLDWIDE
IMPLICATIONS HERE,

AND WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
INTERFERE WITH LIFE ON THIS PLANET.

WHY CAN'T I INTERFERE
WITH THE PLANET? YOU DO!

I DO NOT!

WHAT DO YOU CALL WHAT
YOU'RE DOING WITH DR. ALBRIGHT?

WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

WHEN YOU'RE IN
LOVE WITH SOMEONE,

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO
COMPLETELY SCREW UP THEIR LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS!

I UNDERSTAND.

I'LL TALK TO DON.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE TO GO TO BED.

I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU
WITH A NIGHTSTICK RIGHT NOW.

YES...

I SEEM TO HAVE THAT
EFFECT ON WOMEN.

[SOBBING]

HEY.

WOULD YOU PLEASE
TAKE IT OUTSIDE?

[WHIMPERING]

IF ONLY I COULD BE THAT SPOON.

STOP IT.

YOU LET ME BE THE
SPOON YESTERDAY.

CUT IT OUT.

[WHINING] COME ON.

DICK, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

WE HAVE REPUTATIONS TO PROTECT.

WE'RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE.

OH, I SEE.

THE LOOSER THE SKIN,
THE TIGHTER THE BEHAVIOR,

IS THAT IT?

JUST LET ME BE THE
SPOON ONCE, PLEASE?

FINE.

JUST THIS ONCE.

OHHHH.

OHHHH...

YOU'RE ABOUT A QUART LOW.

FROM NOW ON,

I'M JUST GONNA SLIDE
THINGS UNDER THE DOOR.

THE TWO OF YOU
HAVEN'T R.S.V.P.'d

THE TRUSTEES' COCKTAIL
RECEPTION TOMORROW NIGHT.

WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK
FOR DR. SOLOMON,

BUT I'LL BE THERE.

NINA, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

DAMN. I ALMOST MADE IT.

THERE'S A MAN AND A WOMAN,

AND THE WOMAN WON'T LET
THE MAN NEAR HER IN PUBLIC.

AND THE MAN IS VERY FRUSTRATED.

WHAT SHOULD HE DO,
WHEN ALL HE WANTS

IS TO CLIMB UP TO THE TOP
OF THE ENGINEERING TOWER

AND PROCLAIM HIS LOVE
FOR ALL THE CAMPUS TO HEAR?

WELL, I WOULDN'T
DO THAT IF I WERE HIM.

WELL, WHY NOT?

BECAUSE DR. BALBRIGHT
WOULD KILL HIM DEAD.

FINE.

I WON'T.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER HER.

SAME OLD STORY.

SHE WANTS MORE SPACE.

YEAH, AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO GIVE IT TO HER...

WAIT. I'VE GOT IT.

I'LL GO OUT AND BUY
TWO DOZEN ROSES

AND THEN I'LL PUT A LITTLE
NOTE ON EACH ROSE THAT SAYS,

"HOPE YOU'RE
ENJOYING YOUR SPACE."

AND THEN I'LL TAKE ONE OVER
TO HER EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR

AND GIVE IT TO HER.

AND IF SHE'S NOT THERE,

I'LL LEAVE IT ON HER DOORSTEP.

DICK, THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A VERY GOOD IDEA.

LOOK, DO YOU WANT HER BACK,

OR DO YOU WANT HER
TO THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT?

WELL, I WANT HER BACK.

WELL, YOU GOT TO PLAY IT COOL.

YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE
YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS

WHETHER SHE LIKES YOU OR NOT.

BUT I DO!

NO, YOU DON'T.

YES, I DO.

NO, YOU DON'T.

OHH...

RIGHT.

MAYBE I DON'T.

THERE YOU GO.

BUT I DO!

NO!

TRUST ME.

SHE'LL COME CRAWLING BACK.

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FIVE TIMES.

YEAH, WOMEN.

OR SO I'VE HEARD.

I UNDERSTAND, MRS. BITTENSON.

HIS TREE IS DROPPING
FRUIT ON YOUR PROPERTY.

IT'S JUST THAT THE
POLICE DEPARTMENT

CAN'T DO ANYTHING
AT THIS TIME...

EXCEPT DISPATCH THREE
BLACK AND WHITES A.S.A.P.

TO THAT DIRTBAG'S HOUSE

AND GAS HIM UNTIL HE PICKS
UP EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE...

FIGS.

OH, I'M SORRY, SALLY.

YOU JUST WALKED INTO
A HORNET'S NEST HERE.

YOU WORK SO HARD, OFFICER DON.

RUSTY! RICO!

PROTECT AND SERVE.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

PROTECT AND SERVE.

WELL, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO
TELL YOU, AND IT'S GONNA HURT.

THEN MAKE IT QUICK.

I CAN'T JOIN THE FORCE.

BUT YOU'RE SO GOOD.

I'M THE BEST.

BUT IT'S TOO MUCH POWER
FOR ONE PERSON TO HAVE.

I'D AFFECT TOO MANY LIVES.

NO, THERE'S NO POWER.

I DO NOTHING.

I'M COMPLETELY INEFFECTUAL!

HERE'S YOUR STICK.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, SMOKEY.

YOU'LL BE BACK.

A WOMAN LIKE YOU...

CAN'T STAY AWAY.

MAYBE.

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

SO, ARE WE SENDING
THE SQUAD CARS

TO COLLECT THOSE FIGS?

NO.

NO, NO. I'LL JUST, UM...

PICK THEM UP ON MY WAY HOME.

OH, MY GOD, HERE HE COMES.

OH, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE
A FIELD DAY WITH THIS ONE.

IT'S OK, DR. ALBRIGHT,
JUST CALM DOWN.

NINA...

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU...

AND ONLY YOU.

OH, DR. SOLOMON,

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WITH
A TURTLENECK BEFORE.

HIS NAME IS HARRY.

DR. SUTER!

OH, AND MRS. SUMNER!

YOU LOOK LOVELY THIS EVENING.

OH, WELL, THANK...

NO!

MMM.

THIS IS GREAT DIP, MRS. SUMNER.

IT'S PATé.

THIS IS GREAT DIP, PATé.

WHAT'S SHE DOING?

YOU DON'T CARE.

OH...

RIGHT.

DICK, IS THERE SOMETHING THAT...

MARTINI. DRY.

NOT TOO DRY. MOIST. VERY MOIST.

OH, I SEE.

YOU'RE PUNISHING ME.

FINE.

YOU'RE GOOD.

SMOOTH.

BUT IT'S SO HARD.

STAY STRONG, BIG GUY.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE, MARY?

OH, SHUT UP.

DON'T YOU HAVE
ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

WHY DON'T YOU GET A LIFE

SO I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY
TO TALK ABOUT!

OUCH.

[PLAYING PIANO]

OH, I LOVE THESE THINGS.

MAY I?

THIS ISN'T METRIC, IS IT?

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED.

OH, NO, I'M NOT PLAYING.

I'M ADDING.

♪ NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ YOU ARE THE ONE ♪

♪ ONLY YOU ♪

♪ BENEATH THE MOON ♪

♪ AND UNDER THE SUN ♪

♪ WHETHER NEAR TO ME ♪

♪ OR FAR ♪

♪ IT'S NO MATTER, DARLING ♪

♪ WHERE YOU ARE ♪

♪ I THINK OF YOU... ♪

[SOBS]

♪ NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ UNDER THE HIDE OF ME ♪

♪ THERE IS, OH, SUCH
A HUNGRY YEARNING ♪

♪ BURNING INSIDE OF ME ♪

♪ AND THIS TORMENT
WON'T BE THROUGH ♪

♪ TILL YOU'LL LET ME
SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE ♪

♪ MAKING LOVE TO YOU ♪

♪ DAY AND NIGHT ♪

[SQUEAKY FALSETTO]
♪ NIGHT AND DAY ♪

NOT THE WAY I WOULD'VE DONE IT.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND

THIS HUMAN OBSESSION WITH
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHAT ANYBODY THINKS.

YOU KNOW, HARRY,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CARE JUST A LITTLE.

SO HOW DID YOU LEAVE
IT WITH OFFICER DON?

OPEN.

I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT
WITH A GUY LIKE HIM.

I'VE BEEN WINED
AND DINED, BUT...

I'VE NEVER BEEN DOUGHNUTTED.

I LIKE IT.

I'D LIKE TO BE BREADED
AND DEEP-FRIED.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT
ANYBODY THINKS OF IT.

YOU'RE RIGHT, HARRY.

THE ONLY VOICE THAT MATTERS
IS THE ONE INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

HA. WHICH ONE?

SHUT UP.

MARY ALBRIGHT...

IS MINE!

DICK SOLOMON...

IS MINE!

[MAN ON BULLHORN]
YOU ON THE ROOF!

PUT DOWN THE BULLHORN!

THERE HAVE BEEN COMPLAINTS!

PUT DOWN THE BULLHORN!

THANKS, DON.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
COMPANY, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE