3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 22 - Will Work for Dick - full transcript

Dick insults Nina once again and she has had it with him. She quits. Dick gives Harry the job but he's no good at the job. However, Dick is too stubborn to apologize to Nina and goes on without a secretary. After she hears Mary and Nina talk about their childhood ballet, Sally decides to take ballet lessons to get a youth. She also starts playing with Barbies and forces Tommy to play with her.

NINA! THIS NEEDS TO
GO OUT RIGHT AWAY!

WHAT'S SO URGENT, DICK?

IT'S THE PHONE COMPANY SURVEY.

I'M VERY SATISFIED
WITH MY SERVICE. NINA!

MAIL THIS.

I'LL DO IT ON MY WAY
OUT. I'VE GOT A BLIND DATE.

WELL, THAT'S EXCITING.

WHY, IS HE DRIVING?

ANYWAY, YOU'LL HAVE TO CANCEL.

WE HAVE WAY TOO MUCH WORK TO DO.

WHY NOW? YOU HAVEN'T
DONE ANY WORK IN 2 DAYS.



I KNOW, AND NOW
I'M PAYING FOR IT.

IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN
INVITE YOUR BLIND DATE HERE

AND TELL HIM IT'S A DISCO,

BUT THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO.

CAN'T THIS WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW?

NO, NINA. YOU'RE
PAID TO DO MY BIDDING.

I WAS NEVER PAID TO
WORK FOR YOU. WHAT?

I AM DR. ALBRIGHT'S ASSISTANT.

WHEN YOU SHOWED UP,
THEY DOUBLED MY WORKLOAD,

AND THE ONLY RAISE I GOT WAS
THE PRIVILEGE OF WORKING FOR YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE STARTING TO TAKE
THAT PRIVILEGE A LITTLE FOR GRANTED.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T DESERVE YOU. I QUIT.

NINA, YOU CAN'T
QUIT. I NEED YOU.



LET HER GO!

I GUARANTEE, YOU'LL NEVER
WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

OH, I'M STILL WORKING FOR
DR. ALBRIGHT. I'M JUST QUITTING YOU.

OH, NO. NO, NO!

NO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT
WORKS. WE'RE A PACKAGE.

YOU QUIT ONE OF
US, YOU QUIT US BOTH.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MARY?

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, NINA.

HA!

HARRY, I HAVE GREAT NEWS.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
MY NEW ASSISTANT.

WHOA! ASSISTANT HIGH
COMMANDER HARRY.

OH, I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.

NO, NO, HARRY... MY
OFFICE ASSISTANT.

YOU'LL FIND ME TO BE AN
EASY PERSON TO WORK FOR.

MY DEMANDS ARE SIMPLE:

SIMPLY SOMEONE WHO
UNDERSTANDS THAT WORKING FOR ME

IS IN AND OF ITSELF
A REASON TO LIVE.

WOW. SEEMS LIKE I
SHOULD BE PAYING YOU.

I CONSIDERED THAT,
HARRY, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'LL BE MAKING
VIRTUALLY NOTHING.

YOU'LL ONLY HAVE TO PERFORM
THE MOST BASIC OF TASKS.

YOU'VE SENT OUT MAIL BEFORE.

NOPE.

WELL, YOU'VE STAPLED BEFORE.

I HAVE NOT.

WELL, SURELY, YOU'VE
USED A PAPER CLIP.

OH, YOU MEAN THOSE COTTON
THINGS YOU PUT IN YOUR EAR?

HARRY, HOW MANY
FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?

2! YOU'RE HIRED.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

HAVE SOME TEA.

UM, THERE'S NO TEA IN HERE.

IT'S PINK TEA,
AND IT'S GOOD TEA.

KID, DID YOU FALL OFF
THE JUNGLE GYM OR WHAT?

HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M WATCHING DUBCEK'S
ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKID.

YOU'RE LATE FOR TEA.

WAIT, THERE'S NO
ACTUAL TEA, RIGHT?

IT'S PINK TEA,
AND IT'S GOOD TEA.

THE CAKE IS PINK, TOO.

"THE CAKE IS PINK, TOO!"

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE THIS IS TEA,

BUT THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT CAKE.

HI, HARRY. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

PSHH. I WORK HERE.

OH, YOU'RE DICK'S NEW ASSISTANT.

YES, SIR! I'M THE NEW GUY.

YOU KNOW, AT FIRST, NO
ONE LIKES THE NEW GUY.

PEOPLE ARE THREATENED
BY THE NEW GUY,

BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SECRETLY
ATTRACTED TO THE NEW GUY.

OH, HELLO, MR. DR. SOLOMON, SIR!

WELCOME BACK.

"WELCOME BACK."

HARRY, UNLIKE NINA,
YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.

HERE ARE YOUR MAIL
AND YOUR MESSAGES.

I'VE ALREADY TAKEN
CARE OF THE FIRST 2,

AND I RESTOCKED YOUR STATIONARY.

THANK YOU, NINA.

HARRY, DID I GET
ANY PHONE CALLS?

OH, YES. IT RANG REPEATEDLY.

AND, UM... WHO CALLED?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
DICK. I'M NOT CLAIRVOYANT.

OF COURSE NOT, BUT I'M
SURE YOU FILED MY MID-TERMS.

NO... BUT I DID PRE-LICK
ALL YOUR STAMPS...

AND I PLACED THEM HERE
ON YOUR FILING CABINET

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE.

NICE WORK, HARRY.

NOW WHEN I WANT
TO MAIL A LETTER,

I'LL JUST STEAM,
SCRAPE, AND TAPE.

SO ANYWAY, SHE LOOKS
AT ME AND SHE SAYS,

"IT'S PINK TEA,
AND IT'S GOOD TEA."

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

I'M NOT DONE WITH THE
STORY. IT WAS IMAGINARY TEA.

DID SHE SERVE IMAGINARY
CAKE YES! AND MUFFINS?

THAT'S SO CUTE! THAT'S SO CUTE!

HOLD ON. IS THERE SOME
SORT OF IMAGINARY BAKERY

I'M MISSING OUT ON?

I ALWAYS HAD BARBIE TEA PARTIES.

OH, BARBIE... BLOND HAIR, TINY
WAIST, LEGS UP TO HER NECK.

WHO GROWS UP TO LOOK LIKE THAT?

YEAH, WHO?

YEAH, WHO?

OH, WHY DID EVERYTHING
SEEM POSSIBLE AT THAT AGE?

IT WAS GREAT. DID YOU EVER
DO YOUR BEST FRIEND'S HAIR?

YES. DID YOU EVER PLAY DRESS-UP?

WEARING YOUR MOTHER'S CLOTHES?

MY BROTHER ROY DID THAT.

BALLET LESSONS.

OH, BALLET! BALLET!

BALLET!

OH, ON MY RECITAL NIGHT,
I FELT LIKE CINDERELLA.

OF COURSE, I LOOKED LIKE
ONE OF THE HIPPOS IN FANTASIA.

YEAH, ME...

NO. I... I LOOKED CUTE.

SO, REMEMBER WHEN
WE USED TO DO... WHAT?

THE BOWS.

OH, I CAN STILL
REMEMBER TAKING MY BOW.

MY DAD GAVE ME A
SINGLE WHITE ROSE.

I WAS HIS LITTLE PRINCESS.

I WANT MY CHILDHOOD.

DON'T WE ALL?

TOMMY!

I'M NOT COMING OUT.

I WANNA PLAY BARBIE!

I FEEL LIKE TOMMY LONGSTOCKING!

THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, SIT
DOWN. YOU'RE KEN.

OK, KEN, SO, WHAT DO
YOU WANNA DO TODAY?

HMM. NOTHING THAT INVOLVES
BENDING MY KNEES OR ELBOWS.

OK, WELL, HAVE A
GREAT DAY AT WORK.

OH, I WILL, AND WHILE THERE,

I'LL LEARN 25% MORE THAN
YOU BECAUSE I'M A MAN.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I'M GONNA SUE YOU IN
MALIBU DREAM COURT.

DON'T GET YOUR MINK
IN A BUNCH, PRECIOUS.

OK, WELL, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING DOWN TO ME...

SO NOW I HAVE TO RIP
YOUR HEAD OFF. ARGHH!

YOU DON'T PLAY RIGHT!

YOU BABY. HERE, YOU
FORGOT YOUR HEAD.

SHUT UP!

SO, DICK, YOU KNOW WHAT I
OVERHEARD AT THE WATER COOLER?

NO. WHAT?

THAT THERE'S THIS WEIRD GUY

HANGING AROUND THE WATER COOLER.

DICK, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE HOME. READ THAT.

AN APPLICATION TO LITTLE
MISS SLIPPERS BALLET ACADEMY?

YEAH. I REALLY NEED
BALLET LESSONS.

IT'S IMPERATIVE TO MY MISSION.

CAN YOU GET IN?

DO YOU HAVE $150?

FOR THIS?

DON'T MAKE ME BEG.

NO.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

ENJOY.

I'M GONNA BE THE BEST DAMN
BALLERINA IN THAT WHOLE CLASS!

WHOO! MY BOYFRIEND
DRIVES A CAMARO! WHOO!

HARRY, GET UP!

YES, SIR.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT WORK TODAY.

OH! IT WAS THE
GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

IT WAS A DISASTER.

I'M GLAD IT'S OVER.

NOW I CAN STOP PRETENDING.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME
CHANGES AROUND HERE, HARRY.

FROM NOW ON, YOUR DESK
WILL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

HER NAME WILL BE LUCILLE.

SHE WILL BE THE ONLY
WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE.

DICK, I DON'T LIKE
YOU LIKE THIS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LIKE ME

BECAUSE LIKING LEADS TO LOVING,

AND LOVING LEADS
TO REPRODUCTION,

AND NOBODY REPRODUCES
WITH ME, UNDERSTOOD?!

NOW GET SOME SLEEP.

STARTING TOMORROW, I'M
GOING TO WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE.

OK, BUT DON'T TOUCH THE FACE...

'CAUSE I'M A PRETTY MAN.

Dick: HARRY!

MY PENCILS ARE DULL.

WELL, TALK TO DR. ALBRIGHT
INSTEAD. SHE'S RIVETING.

THANK YOU, HARRY.

SHARPEN THESE. THAT'S 8
PENCILS AT 7 SECONDS EACH,

AND I WANT A PROGRESS REPORT

TYPED AND ON MY
DESK IN 50 SECONDS.

NOW GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

HARRY?

NOT NOW, NINA.
I'M ON A DEADLINE.

DON'T YOU THINK
DR. SOLOMON'S MAKING

SOME UNREASONABLE
DEMANDS OF YOU?

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

HARRY!

PEE IN THIS CUP.

I WANT TO SEE IF YOU'VE
BEEN EATING MY MINTS.

THAT'S FINE, YOU KNOW?

DICK'S JUST TRYING TO WHIP ME
INTO A FIRST-CLASS ASSISTANT.

LOOK, NEXT TIME HE STARTS
TO GET ON YOUR CASE,

YOU TELL HIM TO
TALK TO THE HAND.

"TALK TO THE HAND."

OH, I DON'T KNOW...

HARRY, GET OUT HERE!

WHY IS MY OUT BOX FULL?

BECAUSE THE MAIL JUST CAME IN.

WHY DID YOU PUT
IT IN THE OUT BOX?

BECAUSE IT CAME OUT OF THE MAIL.

THEN WHY IS MY LETTER
TO THE DEAN IN THE IN BOX?

WELL, THE DEAN WON'T
BE BACK TILL TOMORROW,

BUT ONCE HE'S IN,
THE IN GOES OUT.

HARRY, THINGS IN THE
OUT BOX ARE GOING OUT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET ONE BIG BOX,

AND THAT WAY WE'LL JUST
PUT EVERYTHING IN THERE?

I MEAN, THAT'S 50% LESS BOX.

BECAUSE THAT'S
NOT HOW IT'S DONE.

HARRY, ANYONE WITH HALF
A BRAIN COULD DO THIS JOB.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

DICK... YES?

TALK TO THE HAND.

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

DICK! DICK, LOOK AT ME!

JUST TRY TO KEEP YOUR
FOOT OUT OF THE EGG SALAD.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK
WHAT I LEARNED. LOOK.

OH...

GOOD. THEY TAUGHT YOU TO SQUAT.

MONEY WELL SPENT.

IT'S NOT A SQUAT. IT'S A PLlé.

WHAT'S A PLlé? A FRENCH SQUAT.

I'M PRACTICING FOR MY RECITAL.

I'M SO EXCITED. EVERYBODY'S
PARENTS WILL BE...

SALLY...

OOH! TOMMY!

WELL, TOMMY, YOU ARE STYLIN'!

YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WILL YOU PLEASE FIX WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO MY HEAD?

NO, BUT I WILL LET YOU
BORROW SOME OF MY BARRETTES.

OH, WELL, THAT'LL LOOK BETTER.

DICK, I CANNOT WAIT FOR
YOU TO SEE THE RECITAL.

I DO A PIROUETTE AT THE END,

AND THE TEACHER SAYS I
LOOK LIKE A DRUNK BEAR.

I'LL BE THERE.

LOOK AT ME, DAMN IT!
I'M YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS!

AWW! YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!

THANK YOU.

COME ON, TOMMY. I NEED
YOU FOR THE PAS DE DEUX!

HARRY, COME WATCH ME PRACTICE.

SORRY, SALLY. I HAVE TO SIT HERE

AND SILENTLY GLARE AT DICK.

AM I GOING TO HAVE AN
EMOTIONAL OUTBURST...

OR ARE YOU?

YOU JUST DID.

I DID NOT! AHA!

HARRY, I HIRED YOU
TO REPLACE NINA,

BUT INSTEAD, SHE'S TURNED YOU
INTO HER SASSY DOPPELGANGER!

IS THAT RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU THINK SO? I DO.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?

I'M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE.

THE CARNIVAL IS
LEAVING DICKSVILLE.

I QUIT!

YOU CAN'T QUIT,
HARRY. YOU'RE FIRED!

NOOO!

I'M SORRY THINGS
DIDN'T WORK OUT, HARRY,

BUT BEST OF LUCK IN
YOUR FUTURE ENDEAVORS.

OK. SEE YOU TONIGHT.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'VE
COME TO YOUR SENSES

AND YOU'LL APOLOGIZE TO NINA?

NO. I WILL NEVER
COME TO MY SENSES!

I DON'T NEED NINA. I DON'T NEED
HARRY. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY.

FROM NOW ON, I'LL
BE MY OWN ASSISTANT.

HELLO?

YES, I'LL BE AT THE SEMINAR.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT DR. SOLOMON.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

DICK...

TRANSFER IT TO MY
ASSISTANT, PLEASE.

OK.

DR. SOLOMON'S LINE.
WHO'S CALLING PLEASE?

UH, I'LL ASK HIM.
THE SEMINAR? YES.

I'LL ASK HIM AND GET BACK
TO YOU THIS AFTERNOON.

DR. SOLOMON'S LINE.
WHO'S CALLING PLEASE?

HOLD ON, PLEASE.
I'LL TRANSFER YOU.

THIS IS DICK SOLOMON.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, NO, NO. YOU WANT DICK
SULLIVAN IN THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.

TRANSFER YOU? I'M ALREADY
DOING THE JOB OF 2 MEN!

NEXT TIME PICK UP A
PHONE BOOK, YOU MORON!

DICK, I THINK YOUR
PHONE'S RINGING.

DICK SOLOMON'S LINE.
WHO'S CALLING PLEASE?

THIS IS LOUELLA FROM
THE DEAN'S OFFICE.

PLEASE TELL DR. SOLOMON
WE NEED COPIES

OF ALL PAST PURCHASE
ORDERS FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS.

UH, UH, PURCHASE ORDERS?

YES. I DROPPED THEM
OFF THIS MORNING.

YOU NEVER DROPPED
THOSE OFF, YOU LYING...

HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE.

I CAN TELL JUST
BY LOOKING AT YOU!

I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!

OBVIOUSLY NOT.

SUCH MISTRUST!

WELL, GET OUT THEN!

FINE! I WILL!

NOT SO EASY, IS IT, DICK?

ON THE CONTRARY.

ALL I HAVE TO DO NOW IS...

TAKE DR. SOLOMON'S
EXAM TO HIS 10:00 CLASS.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE HERE.

I HAVE 30 STUDENTS.

WELL, THAT'S FUNNY. THEY
USUALLY DUPLICATE THEMSELVES.

NO, WAIT. NINA ALWAYS
MADE THE COPIES.

OH... NINA MADE THE COPIES, HUH?

THEN I CAN MAKE THE COPIES.

I'LL JUST TAKE THIS PAPER

AND WALK OUT THIS DOOR

AND, UH, TURN TO THE, UH...

RIGHT. YES...

I KNEW THAT...

AND THEN WALK
RIGHT INTO THE, UH...

THIRD DOOR ON THE LEFT.

DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

IT SAYS "XEROX" ON IT.

OBVIOUSLY.

OK. I PUT THIS UNDER HERE...

PRESS THIS...

ENTER THE NUMBER
30, AND... START.

PIECE OF CAKE.

"PAPER JAM."

OK... FINE.

I JUST PRESS THIS...

OPEN THIS...

REMOVE THE PAPER...

PRESS THIS... AND... START.

UH, "SEE KEY OPERATOR."

WELL, THAT'S ME. I'M
OPERATING THE KEYS.

ME! DAMN YOU!

I'M GONNA PRESS CANCEL.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

'CAUSE I'LL DO
IT. I'LL PRESS IT.

START! START!

DAMN YOU!

FINE. THAT DOES IT! START!

I'M GONNA BEAT YOU WITH
YOUR OWN TONER CARTRIDGE!

THERE'S MY DADDY.

THERE'S MY DADDY!

DICK?

DICK?

HER DADDY'S NOT HERE.

HER DADDY'S A BAD MAN.

DR. SOLOMON!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

OH, NINA, I WAS SO WRONG.

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED ANYONE,

BUT I DO! I NEED YOU!

GET OFF THE CARPET.

OH.

AAH! DON'T SIT THERE!

NINA...

NINA, YOUR PLACE IS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, NO...

WHERE ARE YOUR FILE CABINETS?

YOUR PENCIL SHARPENERS?
YOUR OFFICE FURNITURE?

YOU THINK THE ONLY NINA
YOU SEE EXISTS IN THE OFFICE?

YOU'RE WRONG.

THERE'S ANOTHER NINA.

WILL SHE WORK FOR ME?

YOU DON'T RESPECT
ME, DR. SOLOMON.

IF YOU WANT ME TO WORK FOR YOU,

I NEED YOUR RESPECT.

NINA, I RESPECT YOU.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,
CRAWL ON MY HANDS AND KNEES?

OK, YOU RESPECT ME!

OK, OK, OK! I'LL COME BACK!

OH, NINA, THANK YOU!

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE OFFICE.

BUT...

WHAT A GYP!

ALL I WANTED WAS A
NORMAL CHILDHOOD,

BUT DICK JUST COULDN'T
LET ME HAVE ONE.

I FELT SO HUMILIATED.

MM. I BET WHEN YOU LOOKED
OUT INTO THAT AUDIENCE

AND DIDN'T SEE DICK THERE,

YOU FELT LIKE YOUR
HEART WAS TORN UP.

YEAH. YEAH.

AND YOU FELT BETRAYED AND ALONE.

UH-HUH.

AND NOW, YOU'RE PRETTY
MUCH DAMAGED FOR LIFE

AND YOU'LL NEVER TRUST
ANYONE EVER AGAIN, RIGHT?

EXACTLY.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, SALLY.

YOU'VE JUST TAKEN YOUR
FIRST STEP INTO CHILDHOOD.

I HAVE?

YEAH. AND NOW YOU TAKE
ALL THIS EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

AND LET IT FEED YOUR
ADULT NEUROSES.

THE BEST PART IS THAT
IF YOU EVER KILL A GUY

OR BALLOON UP TO 400
POUNDS, YOU GET TO BLAME DICK.

SALLY! SALLY!

OH, SALLY...

I'M SO SORRY I
MISSED YOUR RECITAL.

GOOD. UM... THANKS, DICK.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.

WHAT FOR?

WELL, YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE
MOST PRECIOUS GIFT OF ALL:

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.

THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW I GOTTA GO EAT...

A LOT.

I'M SORRY, HARRY.

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED ANYONE.

I THOUGHT I COULD DO
EVERYTHING BY MYSELF.

IT TURNS OUT I WAS
WRONG. I DO NEED SOMEONE.

JUST NOT YOU.

WELL, IT TAKES A BIG
MAN TO ADMIT THAT.

GUESS IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU,

YOU CAN'T WORK WITH YOUR FAMILY.

BUT, TECHNICALLY,
WE'RE NOT A FAMILY.

WE'RE MORE LIKE CO-WORKERS.

WELL, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW

YOU CAN'T WORK WITH
YOUR CO-WORKERS.

ISN'T THAT THE MOTTO
OF THE POSTAL SERVICE?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

OK, DICK, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

YOU PUT THE PAPER
I DID THAT. IN THERE...

PRESS I DID THAT. THIS BUTTON.

IT SHOULD WORK.

THERE... "PAPER JAM."

NOT A PROBLEM.
OK... PULL THIS OUT...

I DID THAT. PRESS THIS BUTTON...

IT'S NOT WORKING.

WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH THIS?!

DAMN IT!

HERE. STUPID...

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE.

HARDER!

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