3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 21 - Sensitive Dick - full transcript

When Dick is, once again, very harsh to his students, they file an official complaint against him. He starts taking sensitivity classes and the disciplinary committee awaits him. Harry's fling Vicki is back and asks him to accompany her to her high school reunion. Meanwhile Officer Don tries to teach Tommy how to drive.

CAN I BORROW THE CAR KEYS?
I HAVE A DATE WITH AUGUST.

SURE, TOMMY.

YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM THE
KEYS. HE CAN'T DRIVE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? I'VE NEVER
TRIED IT. I COULD BE GREAT AT IT.

OH. CHECK AND MATE.

DICK, HE DOESN'T
EVEN HAVE A LICENSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR LICENSE YET?

I'M TAKING DRIVER'S ED.

SHE'S RIGHT. NO KEYS FOR YOU.

HA HA.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?



SALLY, YOU DRIVE HIM.

HA HA!

[PLAYING STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT]

HEY THERE, TIGER.

GRRRRR...

YOU REMEMBER MY
DAUGHTER VICKI, DON'T YOU?

SURE. I PUT A TURKEY
CARCASS ON MY HEAD

AND HAD SEX WITH HER
ON YOUR KITCHEN TABLE.

THAT'S MY LITTLE GIRL.

SO... WHAT BRINGS
YOU TO RUTHERFORD?

WELL... SHE'S BACK FOR
HER HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

THANKS FOR KILLING
THE SURPRISE, MAMA!

EVER SINCE THEY CANCELED RYAN'S
HOPE, SHE'S BEEN REAL MOODY.

SO, VICKI...



WHY DIDN'T YOU RETURN
ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS?

WELL, I WANTED TO, BUT THEY...

THEY PUT A LOCK ON THE
PHONE DOWN AT SOCIAL SERVICES.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE...

'CAUSE I COULD USE
SOME SOCIAL SERVICES.

[STAMPING FOOT]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
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AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

COME ON. COME ON. ANYONE.

"Y" TO THE 4th POWER.

NO.

11?

NO.

VELOCITY SQUARED?

NO!

THAT GUY FROM JEOPARDY!?

NO, NO, NO!

DR. SOLOMON, CAN'T YOU
JUST TELL US THE ANSWER?

WE'VE BEEN GUESSING
FOR 45 MINUTES NOW.

YOU'VE BEEN GUESSING?!

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.

DUE TO YOUR
STAGGERING INEPTITUDE

WITH THE MOST BASIC CONCEPT
OF QUANTUM SUPERPOSITIONS,

I'M ISSUING THE
FOLLOWING ASSIGNMENT.

YOU WILL WRITE A 5-PAGE
LETTER TO YOUR PARENTS

APOLOGIZING FOR
WASTING THEIR MONEY!

I WANT THEM ON MY
DESK TOMORROW MORNING

FOR MY APPROVAL
AND A BLISTERING P.S.!

AND BRING A STAMP, DAMN
IT! I'M NOT A POST OFFICE!

[DOOR SLAMS]

THE WEDDING CHAPEL
WAS ONLY 2 MILES AWAY.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS
COME TO A COMPLETE STOP

AND TURN ON HER BLINKER.

BUT I GUESS SHE HAD

MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

AND NOW SHE'S DEAD!

ANY QUESTIONS?

YEAH. WHERE CAN
I RENT THAT MOVIE?

YOU CAN'T!

CLASS DISMISSED.

HEY, TOMMY. MMM.

[SULTRY VOICE] HELLO, DON.

HELLO, SALLY.

TOMMY SAID YOU WERE SHOWING

THE BRIDE WORE ASPHALT.

DID I MISS IT?

YES, BUT... MAYBE I CAN ARRANGE
FOR A PRIVATE SCREENING.

WHEN? NOW.

CAN WE WATCH IT BACKWARDS?

YOU'RE A SUCKER
FOR A HAPPY ENDING.

LOOK. HER HEAD'S
BACK ON. HA HA HA!

JUDITH.

DR. SOLOMON.

AS HEAD OF THE
DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE,

IT IS MY SAD DUTY TO INFORM YOU

THAT ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS HAS
REGISTERED A COMPLAINT AGAINST YOU.

WELL... WELL, THERE...
THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU FORCED THEM

TO WRITE HUMILIATING
LETTERS TO THEIR PARENTS?

WELL... YES, BUT
THAT CAN'T BE IT.

I'M AFRAID IT IS, AND ACCORDING
TO UNIVERSITY RULES OF CONDUCT,

YOU MUST ATTEND
SENSITIVITY TRAINING.

MY OFFICE WILL CONTACT YOU.

OH, AND, DICK...

I WOULDN'T LEAVE TOWN.

BUT I...

WHAT, UH...

UHH... I DON'T NEED
SENSITIVITY TRAINING...

YOU STRIDENT, POWER-MAD TART!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

OF COURSE I REMEMBERED.

HOW'S THE CHEST PAINS?

OH, MARY, DO YOU
THINK I'M INSENSITIVE?

DICK, YOU JUST HUNG
UP ON MY FATHER!

NOW, DON'T TRY TO
CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

OK, FINE. YOU'RE INSENSITIVE.

I... I AM?

OH, COME ON, DICK.

IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU

TO OCCASIONALLY THINK OF
PEOPLE'S FEELINGS BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

HO HO! WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

YOU LOG 40 BILLION LIGHT YEARS
WITHOUT A SINGLE MOVING VIOLATION,

THEY MAKE YOU TAKE
A ROAD TEST ANYWAY.

WELCOME TO EARTH, FOLKS.

TOMMY, YOU DON'T NEED THAT BOOK.

JUST USE YOUR COMMON SENSE.

GREEN MEANS GO,
YELLOW MEANS SLOW DOWN,

RED MEANS STOP AND
CHECK YOUR MAKEUP.

THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND.

THAT'S KENNY.

OOH, JACE CARTER. MMM.

WOW. LOOK AT THE BIKER CHICK

WITH THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
AND THE BOTTLE OF BOURBON.

THAT'S ME.

NICE.

HEY, HARRY, I WAS...

I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE
YOU'D BE MY DATE TO THE REUNION.

I'D LOVE TO.

WILL THERE BE...

TURKEY?

FAMILY MEETING!

FAMILY MEETING!

WHAT? WHAT?

I'VE JUST HEARD THE
MOST UPSETTING THING.

SOMEONE HAS ACCUSED
ME OF INSENSITIVITY.

YOU'RE NOT FAMILY! GET OUT!

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLANET'S
PREOCCUPATION WITH SENSITIVITY?

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE AN
OPEN DIALOGUE WITH ANYONE, LIKE WE DO!

WE CAN SAY ANYTHING TO EACH
OTHER AND NOT TAKE OFFENSE.

FOR EXAMPLE, TOMMY
WOULDN'T OBJECT

IF I MENTIONED THAT HE WAS A
GREASY LITTLE DISAPPOINTMENT.

WHAT'S TO ARGUE?

I MEAN, SALLY COULDN'T DISPUTE
THAT SHE'S A SADISTIC BIMBO.

YOU GOT ME! AND, DICK, YOU'RE
A RUBBER-FACED BAG OF WIND.

WELL SAID! AND,
HARRY, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

THANK YOU, SIR.
MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Dick: YEAH.

HOORAY...

FOR PERSONAL GROWTH.

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO
LEARN HOW TO BREATHE,

HOW TO LISTEN,

AND HOW TO SAY, "I HAVE
A PERSONALITY DISORDER."

MAKE ME.

DICK! I HEAR YOU.

CAN YOU...

HEAR...

ME?

YES!

YOU'RE THE ANNOYING
GUY IN THE UNITARD.

DICK, LABELS DISABLE.

OK, WE'RE ALL
SHIPWRECKED AT SEA.

THERE'S VERY LITTLE FOOD LEFT

AND ONE PASSENGER TOO MANY.

I SAY WE EAT THE BIG FAT GUY.

BOO, DICK.

BOO.

WELL...

H-HOW ABOUT THE WOMAN
WITH THE BAD HAIRDO?

[DEEP VOICE] YOUR WORK IS
INCOMPETENT. YOU GET AN "F." YOU FAIL!

[HIGH VOICE] YOU'RE RIGHT.

MY WORK HAS BEEN WEAK,
BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I'M JUST NOT AS
SMART AS YOU ARE.

[DEEP VOICE] HMM. I
SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A POINT.

I AM EXCEEDINGLY BRILLIANT.

[HIGH VOICE] AND
YOU JUST GO SO FAST.

I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU.

AND NOW I'LL NEVER GET A JOB,

BUT I'LL HAVE TO SELL
MY FEET FOR KEY CHAINS.

I'VE NEVER HEARD THINGS FROM
YOUR POINT OF VIEW BEFORE.

MAYBE I HAVE BEEN A
LITTLE HARD ON YOU.

I'M... I'M...

EESH...

I'M SORRY!

[CRYING]

I THINK SOMEONE NEEDS A HUG.

NOW, TODAY, CLASS...

I THOUGHT WE'D TRY
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

NO KIDDING.

NOW, LET'S REFLECT ON THE BALLET

THAT IS PHYSICS.

AHEM!

IN STANDARD QUANTUM
CHROMODYNAMICS,

THE LAGRANGE DENSITY
EQUALS 1 OVER 4 PI

TIMES THE SQUARE OF THE
FIELD STRENGTH TENSER.

NOW, GIVEN THAT THERE IS

THIS CONCENTRATION OF
INTENSE NUCLEIC ENERGY,

HOW MANY HARDONIC
JETS WILL EMERGE

WHEN THE QUARK/ANTIQUARK
LINE WITHIN THE MESON RUPTURES?

BUG?

A MILLION?

DOES THAT MEAN I'M RIGHT?

NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE,
BUG, BUT YOU TRIED,

AND THAT'S WHAT
MAKES YOU SPECIAL.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT SLOWER?

NO.

CLASS, I HAVE YOUR MID-TERMS.

NOW, I DIDN'T WANT
ANYONE TO FEEL STRESS,

SO I'VE ABANDONED THE
TRADITIONAL GRADING SYSTEM

AND I'M GIVING YOU
ALL HAPPY FACES.

I CAN'T APPLY TO GRADUATE SCHOOL
WITH A HAPPY FACE IN PHYSICS.

GRADUATE SCHOOL?

I DON'T THINK ANY OF YOU
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

MMM.

OH, NINA, DID YOU MAKE THE
APPOINTMENT FOR MY HIGH COLONIC?

THERE ARE 2 THINGS I DON'T DO.

I DON'T PICK UP DRY CLEANING,

AND I DON'T SCHEDULE ENEMAS. OK?

THAT'S OK. I FORGIVE YOU.

MARY, ARE WE STILL
ON FOR DINNER?

SURE.

I WAS THINKING OF WEARING THIS.

IT'S NOT COMING OFF
ANYTIME SOON, IS IT?

DR. SOLOMON.

OH, DEAR GOD. I'LL
MAKE THIS BRIEF.

YOUR STUDENTS HAVE FILED A
CLASS-WIDE COMPLAINT AGAINST YOU.

YOU ARE REQUIRED TO APPEAR
BEFORE THE DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE...

WHICH I CHAIR.

WHAT?!

I GIVE THEM HAPPY FACES
ON THEIR MID-TERMS,

AND THIS IS HOW THEY REPAY ME?!

YEAH, THAT'S MESSED UP.

THAT'S IT! NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!

AND NO HUG FOR YOU, FOUR-EYES.

FINE!

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I
SHOP AT GOTTA DANCE!

THE AUDACITY!

THEY WON'T ALLOW ME
TO RETURN MY UNITARD.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I WORE IT
WITHOUT MY UNDERPANTS.

OH, MY GOD! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

WHAT IS THAT!?

THIS REMINDS ME
OF YOUR PROM NIGHT.

[CLICK]

ONLY THIS TIME YOUR
DATE ISN'T MARRIED.

HI, FOLKS.

HEY...

UNLESS YOU HAVE A WARRANT,

YOU CANNOT COME IN HERE.

NO, THAT'S SALLY'S DATE.

OH.

[GIGGLES]

WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

DON'T I KNOW YOU?

NO. NO, I DON'T...

LET'S GO. LET'S GO, MAMA.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

GO, GO, GO.

HELLO, DON.

[HEART POUNDS]

HELLO, SALLY.

I THOUGHT WE WOULD SKIP DINNER

AND DRIVE STRAIGHT
TO LOOKOUT POINT.

THAT IS, IF YOU CAN
STAND THE HEAT.

YOU KNOW ME, DON.

THE HOTTER THE BETTER.

READY, TOMMY?

YEAH.

TOMMY'S COMING?

WELL, THE KID NEEDS
TO SEE HOW IT'S DONE.

YOU COULD SHOW HIM HOW
TO PUT THE KEY IN THE IGNITION.

COULDN'T I JUST BUY
HIM SOME MAGAZINES?

HE'S BEEN READING
ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS.

HE'S READY FOR THE REAL THING,

AND I FIGURE HE SHOULD
LEARN FROM THE MASTER.

OK, HE CAN COME.

BUT I'M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING.

IF YOU'LL ALL TAKE YOUR SEATS,

THIS HEARING CAN BEGIN.

ALL RIGHT, DICK. OUT WITH IT.

WHERE'D YOU GRAB HER
AND HOW MANY TIMES?

IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF HEARING.

FIRST WE WILL HEAR
FORM DR. MARY ALBRIGHT,

WHO WILL SPEAK ON
BEHALF OF DR. SOLOMON.

DR, ALBRIGHT, HOW WOULD
YOU DESCRIBE DR. SOLOMON?

WELL, IT'S... IT'S KIND OF HARD.

I MEAN...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PIECE
OF REALLY STINKY CHEESE?

I ENJOY A STINKY CHEESE.

CONTINUE.

THE THING IS,

IT HAS THESE
WONDERFULLY RICH FLAVORS

THAT YOU CAN'T GET TO...

WITHOUT THE STINKINESS.

HAVE YOU EVER FOUND
DR. SOLOMON TO BE INSENSITIVE?

NO. DR. SOLOMON IS WARM, KIND,
AND A CREDIT TO PENDELTON STATE.

THEN HE'S NEVER BEEN
ABUSIVE TOWARDS YOU?

NO. DR. SOLOMON IS WARM, KIND,
AND A CREDIT TO PENDELTON STATE.

HAVE YOU BEEN
COACHED TO SAY THAT?

NO. DR. SOLOMON IS WARM, KIND,
AND A CREDIT TO PENDELTON STATE.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THE WHITE LINE.

WHERE IS IT?

AAH! LOOK OUT!

UH, DON, MAYBE
YOU OUGHT TO DRIVE?

NO! YOU'RE PASSING THAT TEST
TOMORROW IF IT KILLS US ALL!

YOU HEARD THE LADY.

Dispatcher: ATTENTION CAR 3.

WE'VE GOT A 3-11 ON THIRD.

A 3-11!

TOMMY, STEP ON IT!

YEOW!

OH, PARTY, MAN!

OK, NOW, HARRY, DON'T YOU LET
THESE PEOPLE INTIMIDATE YOU.

YOU JUST BE YOURSELF.
YOU'RE GREAT. REMEMBER THAT.

OK.

HELLO, VICKI.

HELLO, ELROY. THIS
IS MY BOYFRIEND.

HE'S A FAMOUS BRAIN SURGEON.

VICKI DUBCEK?

AAH! AAH!

OH!

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

WELL, LOOK AT YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT NICKNAME
WE USED TO CALL YOU?

WHORE.

WHORE?

ISN'T SHE PRICELESS?

AND WHO ARE YOU?

HARRY SOLOMON,

UNITED STATES
AMBASSADOR TO PORTUGAL.

WHAT BOTHERS YOU MOST ABOUT
DR. SOLOMON'S TEACHING METHODS?

HE'S ALWAYS SAYING I'M WRONG.

AND HOW OFTEN ARE YOU WRONG?

ALWAYS.

ONE DAY HE TOLD ME

IF I LIKED LONG HAIR SO MUCH,

MAYBE I SHOULD JOIN THE CIRCUS.

WERE YOU HURT BY THAT?

NO, MORE CONFUSED.

AND THEN HE STARED AT ME,

AND I FELT ALL DIRTY.

HE DID WELL IN THE SESSION,

BUT WHEN HE LEFT,

HE STOLE THE PUPPETS.

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. WHO'S BUYING?

DR. SOLOMON, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY IN YOUR DEFENSE?

I HAVE PLENTY TO SAY.

I SHOULD'VE BROUGHT A BOOK.

I STAND HERE ACCUSED
OF INSENSITIVITY.

OH, SURE, I'VE TRIED
TO CHANGE MY WAYS.

I'VE CRIED, I'VE HUGGED,
I'VE BEEN HUGGED.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE DISCOVERED?

I'M AN OFFENSIVE PERSON!

BUT IN A TOLERANT SOCIETY,

IS THERE NO PLACE FOR MY KIND?

WHY MUST EVERYONE LIKE ME?

WHY CAN'T WE ALL
JUST NOT GET ALONG?

CONFLICT IS NECESSARY.

THROUGHOUT HISTORY, HUMAN BEINGS
HAVE PERSECUTED THE GREAT AGITATORS:

SOCRATES, GALILEO,

AND NOW DICK SOLOMON!

BUT WHERE WOULD
YOU BE WITHOUT US

TO PROVOKE AND...
AND ENLIGHTEN YOU,

TO ATTACH THE
ELECTRODES OF KNOWLEDGE

TO THE NIPPLES OF IGNORANCE?

THROUGHOUT HISTORY,
ALL OVER THE WORLD,

PEOPLE HAVE RIGHTFULLY
LOOKED TO PENDELTON STATE

FOR VIRTUALLY NOTHING.

BUT MAYBE ONE DAY
THEY'LL BE ABLE TO SAY

THAT AN UNPOPULAR
BATTLE WAS WON THERE

FOR AN UGLY LITTLE
THING CALLED THE TRUTH.

THANK YOU.

AND WHEN THEY
MAKE A MOVIE OF THIS,

AND THEY WILL,

I DON'T WANT TO BE PLAYED
BY WOODY HARRELSON.

WE WILL NOW DELIBERATE

AND RETURN WITH
THE GUILTY VERDICT.

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT
THAT I'D BE SPENDING THIS NIGHT

IN A VERITABLE WONDERLAND
OF TWINKLY LIGHTS,

TINY WEENIES,

AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN FROM ORLANDO?

HMMM.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO AT
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION?

VICKI, I DIDN'T EXACTLY
GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

OH, WELL, I DIDN'T
EXACTLY GRADUATE EITHER.

JACE?

JACE CARTER?

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S VICKI DUBCEK.

OH!

RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

THAT'S VICKI DUBCEK.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M VICKI'S HUSBAND.

HARRY SOLOMON,
HOLLYWOOD STUNT MAN.

AND WHEN I'M NOT CRASHING
THROUGH PLATE GLASS WINDOWS

OR CATCHING ON FIRE,

YOU'LL FIND ME AT MY
HOLLYWOOD MANSION WITH MY WIFE.

YOU SEE, I COULD HAVE
ANY WOMAN I WANT,

INCLUDING HER.

BUT I CHOOSE VICKI

TO SHARE MY FABULOUS
HOLLYWOOD LIFESTYLE.

WOW, VICKI, YOU MADE IT.

YEAH, YEAH, I DID.

I'M ALSO THE POSTMASTER GENERAL!

AFTER REVIEWING
ALL THE TESTIMONY,

THE DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE
UNANIMOUSLY VOTES

TO ADMONISH DR. SOLOMON.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU'RE OFFICIALLY ADMONISHED.

DOES THAT COME WITH A PAY CUT?

NO. HOWEVER, IF THERE'S
ANOTHER VIOLATION,

YOU WILL BE CENSURED.

DOES THAT COME WITH A PAY CUT?

NO, BUT SHOULD
THAT FAIL TO STOP YOU,

YOU WILL BE SANCTIONED, WHICH
MEANS A 30-DAY SUSPENSION.

WITH PAY?

YES, WITH PAY.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

COULD I BE SANCTIONED RIGHT NOW?

NO. WE'RE ADJOURNED.

UM, DR. SOLOMON,

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WE NEVER MEANT FOR
THERE TO BE A HEARING.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW IT GOT THIS FAR.

NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

YOU'RE STUPID, I'M RUDE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.

REALLY? GREAT. COOL. SEE YA.

WELL, DICK, I THINK
YOU MADE A NICE POINT.

YES, FOR A PIECE
OF STINKY CHEESE.

OH, DICK.

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE,

AND THAT'S THE GUY I LOVE.

THANK YOU, MARY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT?

I LOVE ME, TOO.

GOOD.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT I
LEARNED IN SENSITIVITY CLASS,

TO LOVE MYSELF.

GOOD.

I REALLY LOVE
MYSELF. I MEAN, A LOT!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,

NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY, AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

OHH! WELL, I FAILED
MY DRIVER'S TEST!

I CAN HANDLE A HIGH
SPEED POLICE CHASE,

BUT FOR SOME REASON,
AT 20 MILES AN HOUR,

I HIT 3 PARKED CARS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
NOT HAVING YOUR LICENSE.

LORD KNOWS, IT
HASN'T STOPPED ME.

I'M GONNA BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF MY WHOLE SCHOOL.

WELL, I'VE DISCOVERED
SOMETHING, TOMMY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT
YOU DO IN HIGH SCHOOL

AS LONG AS YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE
FEEL LIKE LOSERS AT THE REUNION.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
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CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

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