3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 20 - Dickmalion - full transcript

WHOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO!

WHAA-HOO!

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.

OH, NINA. CALL THE FLORIST
AND TELL THEM NO CARNATIONS.

I WANT THOSE FLOWERS
THAT LOOK LIKE BIRDS' HEADS

WITH A STICK STUCK IN ITS EYE?

YOU KNOW, THE GOOD ONES?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, SHE'S HAVING
SOME BIG AFFAIR.

WHAT?! YOU... YOU TRAMP!



DICK, IT'S A CATERED AFFAIR.

YOU'RE CHEATING ON
ME AND YOUR DIET?!

NO. THE NORTH RUTHERFORD COUNTRY
CLUB IS PLANNING ITS CHARITY AUCTION,

AND I VOLUNTEERED MY HOUSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE IN A CLUB.

WELL, THEY HAVEN'T
ASKED ME TO JOIN, NOT YET.

OH, THEY HAVE THE MOST
WONDERFUL HEALTH SPA,

NOT TO MENTION,
POOL, TENNIS, GOLF,

SPA CUISINE.

NOT THAT THAT'S IMPORTANT.

OH, NO.

I'M DOING THIS FOR CHARITY.

OH, WHAT CHARITY?

OH, SOMETHING FOR
KIDS... ORPHANS, I THINK.



OH, I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO!

I HOPE I HAVEN'T
LEFT ANYTHING OUT.

WELL, LET'S SEE.

YOU'VE KISSED BUTT, SUCKED UP,
FAWNED OVER, AND STROKED THEM.

A LITTLE WINE AND
CHEESE, AND IT'S PARTY TIME.

NINA, WHERE'S MY GUEST LIST?

ON MY DESK.

OH, I'LL GO GET IT.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?

SHE'S CLIMBING
THE SOCIAL LADDER.

THE WHAT?

I'M... I'M SORRY, NINA.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND EBONICS.

NO. YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO
FIT IN WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE

BY PRETENDING
YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM.

YOU TALK LIKE THEM,
YOU ACT LIKE THEM,

UNTIL THEY THINK
YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

NO! NO, I DON'T!

AND NEITHER DOES
TOMMY, SALLY, AND HARRY!

NO! WE'RE NOT SOCIAL CLIMBERS!

WE'RE HUMANS!

OH, I INVITED SO MANY PEOPLE.

I HOPE MY PLACE IS BIG ENOUGH.

WELL, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
YOUR MEETING IN MY PLACE?

YOUR PLACE? AH... WELL...

SEE, DICK, MOST OF THE PEOPLE ARE
COMING FROM NORTH RUTHERFORD,

AND YOUR PLACE IS... ALL THE WAY
OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.

BUT THE BUSES RUN UNTIL 9:00.

WHAT SHE MEANS IS YOU LIVE ON
THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M
SAYING... OUT LOUD.

WHAT?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT
I'VE TRIED SO HARD

TO GET THESE PEOPLE TO ACCEPT ME

THAT I DON'T WANT TO INVITE
THEM TO MY BOYFRIEND'S ATTIC

WITH HIS... UNUSUAL
BROTHER AND...

ANGRY AMAZON SISTER...

IN THE HEART OF THE
MEAT-PACKING DISTRICT.

NO OFFENSE.

NO. NONE TAKEN.

OR UNDERSTOOD.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

[CROWD CHEERING]

OH! OH! OH!

THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE SPORT.

THESE GUYS MUST BE THE
BEST ATHLETES ON EARTH!

WELL, THEY DON'T CALL IT
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLIN' FOR NOTHIN'.

OH! OH! OH!

TURN OFF THE TV!

OH, BUT, DICK, IT'S
YOUR FAVORITE!

[GRAVELLY VOICE]
THE GRAVEDIGGER!

I DON'T CARE WHO
IT IS! WE'RE NOT...

OH, LOOK. HE'S GOT A NEW SHOVEL.

DO YOU THINK WE LIVE ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE TRACKS ARE RIGHT OVER THERE!

IF WE LIVED ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THEM,

WE'D HAVE TO WAIT
FOR THE TRAIN TO PASS

EVERY TIME WE WENT
TO THE LIQUOR STORE.

HI. HI. HI.

DID I MISS THE GRUDGE MATCH?

MRS. DUBCEK,

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO NORTH RUTHERFORD?

NORTH RUTHERFORD? SURE.

I ONCE HAD A FLING WITH
A POOL BOY UP THERE.

LOVELY CABANA. VERY NICE.

WELL, WHAT'S SO
SPECIAL ABOUT IT?

WELL, IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT
CLASS OF PEOPLE THERE.

Sally: DIFFERENT CLASS?

YOU MEAN NOT HOMO SAPIENS?

OH, NO. THEY HAVE
THEIR ARTSY TYPES, TOO,

BUT THEY'RE VERY DISCREET.

HEY, SOLOMON.

HEY, ELMAN, ROMANO.

HOW'S IT GOIN', GUYS?

YOU ARE DEAD, SOLOMON!

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

YOU BUST OUT LAUGHIN' IN MATH
CLASS ANYTIME WE SAY ANYTHING.

YEAH, BUT, GUYS, ONLY AT
THE REALLY STUPID STUFF.

GET HIM!

WAIT! HOW COULD I KNOW
IT BOTHERED YOU GUYS?

BELIEVE ME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

HI.

ARE YOU OK?

OH, YEAH, I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, DON'T LET THOSE
GUYS BOTHER YOU, HUH?

THEY'RE JUST HAVIN' FUN.

OH, YEAH, I KNOW.

WE HAD A FEW LAUGHS LAST WEEK

WHEN THEY PANTSED
ME IN THE CAFETERIA.

I'M LORNA.

OH, YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU WERE IN MY
MATH CLASS LAST YEAR.

OH, RIGHT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I PASSED.

YOU KNOW, LORNA, I REALIZED
SOMETHING SITTING IN THAT LOCKER.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I REALLY SHOULD WASH MY
GYM SHORTS MORE OFTEN.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, NOTHIN'.

IT'S SOME STUPID POETRY I WROTE.

CAN I READ IT?

IT'S NOT VERY GOOD.

AW, COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

WHATEVER.

"LAST NIGHT, DEATH
SIGNED MY YEARBOOK.

"HAVE A GOOD SUMMER, HE
WROTE, SEE YA NEXT YEAR.

"AND THEN I REALIZED IT
WASN'T MY YEARBOOK HE SIGNED.

IT WAS MY TOMBSTONE."

WHAT DO YA THINK?

I LIKED IT!

ESPECIALLY THE
SURPRISE ENDING THERE.

YOU ARE THE FIRST
ONE TO GET THE IRONY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
THE ONE ON THE BACK?

UH...

"DEATH SENT ME AN E-MAIL..."

THERE'S A MOTIF HERE, RIGHT?

YEAH!

AH.

MR. AND MRS. ST. CLAIR,
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

WE'VE MET BEFORE?

YES. SEVERAL TIMES.

WE WERE TRAPPED IN AN
ELEVATOR FOR 6 HOURS.

DOESN'T RING A BELL.

I PRIED OPEN THE ROOF AND
CLIMBED 2 STORIES TO GET HELP?

OH, YES! OH, YES! SHE HAD ON
THOSE AWFUL LEATHERETTE BOOTS.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

HELLO, MARY!

I BROUGHT YOU A BOX OF WINE.

I DON'T DRINK THAT!

WELL, THEN WHY DO YOU
KEEP RUNNING OUT OF IT?

GIVE ME THE DAMN BOX.

I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF MERLOT.

AND I'LL HAVE A NICE
HAWAIIAN PUNCH.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET...

EDGAR ST. CLAIR.

DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE
MET EDGAR ALLAN POE.

BUT I'M DICK SOLOMON.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO, MR. SOLOMON?

I'M IN, UH...

[IMITATING EDGAR] PHYSICS...

MR. ST. CLAIR.

PHYSICS, EH?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I
HADN'T GONE INTO BUSINESS,

I'D HAVE DONE
SOMETHING IN PHYSICS.

YES, AND IF YOU HAD
WHEELS, YOU'D BE A BUS.

[BOTH CHORTLING]

ACTUALLY, I OWN
SEVERAL BUS LINES.

REALLY? THEN ALL YOU
NEED IS THE CHASSIS.

[BOTH CHORTLING]

HOW'S EVERYTHING HERE?

PERFECT. THANK YOU... MARY.

NO. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.

OH, NO. IT'S MY PLEASURE
TO HAVE YOU HERE.

THANK YOU AGAIN.

SO SAD.

YES. SHE'S TRYING SO HARD.

YOU CAN ALMOST
SMELL THE DESPERATION.

OH, NO. I THINK THAT'S HER DOG.

YOU ARE A TICKET.

SAY, YOU MUST COME BY THE
CLUB. THE BOYS SHOULD MEET YOU.

IT'LL BE A KICK.

OOH, GOOD. CAN I KICK BACK?

[ALL CHORTLING]

OH, HI, LORNA...

UH, BYE, LORNA.

BACK FOR MORE, GENIUS?

YOU'RE DEAD, EINSTEIN.

WILL YOU GUYS STOP?

YOU JUST WANT TO BEAT
HIM UP BECAUSE HE'S SMART.

SO?

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
GUYS. SHE'S RIGHT.

SEE, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IF I'M
SMART... AND YOU GUYS ARE MORONS...

N-NOTHING PERSONAL...

WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE
FOR YOU TO USE MY INTELLIGENCE

TO YOUR ADVANTAGE?

HUH?

HERE. LET ME USE A VISUAL AID.

TAKE THAT KID.

OK.

THIS ONE?

UH... YEAH, YEAH.

NOW, SEE, UM,

YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE
TO BEAT HIM UP, RIGHT?

DEFINITELY!

BUT, SEE, YOU SHOULDN'T,

BECAUSE HIS SISTER IS DATING
THE THIRD-FLOOR HALL MONITOR,

AND IF YOU BEAT HIM UP, YOU'LL
NEVER BE ABLE TO DITCH CHEMISTRY.

WE DON'T TAKE CHEMISTRY.

NO.

BUT NOW YA CAN, AND
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GO.

SEE? TOLD YA HE WAS SMART.

WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CHEMISTRY!

SINGAPORE SAL, THE IRON
MAIDEN, CIRCLES HER PREY.

HER OPPONENT, HANDSOME
HARRY, CIRCLES NERVOUSLY,

HOPING TO AVOID YET
ANOTHER SERIOUS INJURY.

YAAAH!

HUNH!

YOU'RE GOOD.

[WHEEZING] REAL GOOD.

AH, WELL, HELLO...

PAIR OF HOOLIGANS.

WHO'S THE DORK?

OH, HARRY SOLOMON.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

COME ON, GUYS.

OUT ON THE ROOF. WHERE YA GOING?

WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

BURN STUFF, THROW JUNK AT CARS.

ALL RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[TAUNTING]

I LIKE HIS FRIENDS.

NICE KIDS.

I KNOW. ME, TOO.

WHAAH!

WELL, HE STARTED IT.

SO HOW WAS YOUR PARTY?

DID YOU PLAY PIN THE
TAIL ON THE BENTLEY?

NO. MOSTLY WE JUST PLAYED
PIN THE CHEESE ON THE CRACKER.

EXCITING PARTY, HUH?

EXCITING? IT WAS AWFUL.

I HAD A 2-HOUR
CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE

ABOUT CORNISH GAY MEN.

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T
CORNISH GAME HEN?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID... CORNISH
GAY MEN. AREN'T YOU LISTENING?

OK.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

DICK, WASN'T LAST NIGHT FUN?

HAVE YOU EVER MET A GROUP
OF MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE?

HERE. MR. ST. CLAIR CALLED.

OHH. MR. ST. CLAIR CALLED.

THAT'S SO EXCITING.
WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID TO CALL HIM BACK.

OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET?

MR. ST. CLAIR WANTS
ME TO CALL HIM BACK.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

CALL HIM BACK.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

UH, YES, IS MR. ST. CLAIR IN?

MR. ST. CLAIR! MARY ALBRIGHT.

HI!

OH, I'D BE HONORED TO COME.

WHO?

DICK?

UH, WELL, SURE, I'LL BRING HIM.

YES, HE IS THAT.

WELL, THANK YOU.

NO, NO,

THANK YOU.

BYE.

DICK, THIS IS SO EXCITING.

THE ST. CLAIRS WANT TO INVITE US
TO THEIR CLUB TOMORROW NIGHT.

TOMORROW?
I... I... I... I CAN'T.

WELL, WHY NOT?

WELL, FOR OPENERS, TOMORROW
IS SPAGHETTI AND WAFFLE NIGHT,

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY IS
GOING MAD WITH ANTICIPATION.

CAN'T YOU CANCEL?

AND BREAK THEIR
LITTLE HEARTS? NO.

SALLY'S ALREADY
MADE THE PESTO SYRUP.

SO... BRING THEM ALONG.

OH, DICK, I REALLY WANT TO GO.

AND THEY REALLY
WANT YOU TO BE THERE.

WHY?

WELL, THEY LIKE YOU.

THEY THINK YOU'RE FUN.

OH, PLEASE.

FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT.

FINE, MARY.

FOR YOU.

OHH, THANKS.

I APPRECIATE IT.

NO, IT'S OK.

WE'RE HAVING SPAGHETTI
AND WAFFLES TONIGHT, TOO.

HEY!

HEY, TOMMY, SORRY.

IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

ALL RIGHT, KID.

DON'T SWEAT IT. GET LOST NOW.

[BELL RINGS]

HEY, SOLOMON! LET'S
GET OUTTA HERE, MAN.

WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

WE'RE GONNA GO SET
OFF THE FIRE ALARM.

WHY?

WHY?! 'CAUSE THE
ALARM'S GONNA GO OFF,

AND THERE'S GONNA BE
KIDS RUNNING EVERYWHERE,

AND THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO
EVACUATE THE WHOLE BUILDING.

YEAH, BRO!

I-IT MADE MORE SENSE THE
FIRST TIME HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

Romano: YO! SOLOMON!

YEAH, MAN, WHASSUP?

NOPE. THAT'S NOT IT.

THAT'S NOT IT.

AA-AA-AA-AAH! THAT'S IT!

ALL RIGHT.

HEAD BUTTS. YOU READY?

Dick: SALLY!

SALLY! LISTEN UP. THIS
IS VERY IMPORTANT.

WE'VE BEEN ASKED TO HOBNOB WITH THE
CREME DE LA CREME OF RUTHERFORD'S ELITE.

HMM. WELL, I'M OK HOB-WISE...

IT'S THE NOB PART
WHAT CONCERNS ME.

THIS EVENING'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO MARY.

WE'VE GOT TO MAKE A
GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION.

OK. WHATEVER. NOW, SALLY,

EDGAR ST. CLAIR'S NEPHEW
BUZZY WILL BE THERE.

HE HAS A FACE LIKE A HORSE.

I WANT YOU TO CHARM HIM.

I'LL BRING A CARROT.

HARRY, YOU WILL POSE AS
SALLY'S WEALTHY COUSIN.

AH. AM I WELL-BRED?

YOU'RE OVERBRED.

IN FACT...

IN FACT, YOU'RE MUTE.

HMM. ALL RIGHTY.

OH, I MEAN...

NOW, SALLY, THEY
ALREADY ADORE ME,

BUT YOU MUST STRIVE TO BE
ACCEPTED BY THESE PEOPLE.

ACCEPTED?

DICK, HAVE YOU
FORGOTTEN HOW HOT I AM?

I MEAN, GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN ARE ACCEPTED
AT MORE PLACES THAN AMERICAN EXPRESS.

I COULD BELCH THE ALPHABET,

AND MEN WITH Ph.Ds WOULD BE
ASKING ME TO TUTOR THEIR KIDS.

GREAT NEWS!

I AM NOW THE COOLEST
PUNK IN SCHOOL.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
WHAT DID YOU DO?

I GOT SUSPENDED FOR
SETTING OFF THE FIRE ALARM.

THEY SUSPENDED YOU FOR THAT?
YOU SAVED HUNDREDS OF LIVES!

NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S THE BEST PART.

THERE WAS NO FIRE.

TOMMY, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

THE NEXT TIME YOU
SET OFF A FIRE ALARM,

YOU DAMN WELL BETTER
START A FIRE FIRST!

I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING
RIGHT FOR YOU, NOW, CAN I?

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

WHAT?

THERE'S NO TV IN THIS ROOM.

THEN WHY DOES IT EXIST?

OK! HOW DO I LOOK?

OH, VERY NICE.

BUT NOT GREAT.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU WOULD'VE SAID
GREAT IF I LOOKED GREAT.

MARY, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

YOU'RE RIGHT. TOO
BUSY. I'LL GO CHANGE.

THERE'S NO TV IN THERE EITHER.

THERE IS NO TV ANYWHERE
ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

THAT EXPLAINS
WHY SHE'S SO WEIRD.

THAT'S WHY THEM HOITY-TOITYS
DIDN'T LIKE HER PARTY.

SHE GOT NO TV.

WELL, HOW DOES SHE LIVE?

ACTUALLY, SHE GETS A LOT
OF INFORMATION FROM BOOKS.

WHAT?

SOMETIMES SHE EVEN
READS FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT, LIKE TV GUIDE?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK...
PEARLS OR GOLD?

MARY, THE ONLY
ACCESSORY YOU NEED IS ME.

I'LL GO GET SOME MORE.

HEY, LORNA.

HI, TOMMY.

HEY, WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?

HOME.

I'M JUST HERE PICKING
UP SOME BOOKS

'CAUSE I WAS... SUSPENDED.

GOOD-BYE, TOMMY.

WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TOMMY, I LIKED YOU
BECAUSE YOU WERE SMART.

NOW YOU'RE JUST LIKE
ELMAN AND ROMANO.

YEAH, BUT YOU HANG OUT
WITH ELMAN AND ROMANO.

THEY HAVE CARS?

NOW YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM...

BUT WITHOUT A CAR.

WAIT, WAIT, I CAN CHANGE
BACK. I CAN BE SMART AGAIN.

I'LL BE HAVING MY BUTT KICKED

BY TOMORROW AFTERNOON, REALLY.

HERE, STUFF ME IN A LOCKER.

IF ONLY IT WERE
THAT EASY, TOMMY,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK.

I'VE SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES.

SO, DICK, THIS WEEKEND,

ANY CHANCE WE CAN
SQUEEZE IN 18 HOLES?

DEPENDS. HOW BIG ARE THE HOLES?

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT...

WHEN A 300-POUND SOPRANO

AND A 250-POUND TENOR

DRESS IN FUNNY COSTUMES

AND TAKE 15 MINUTES
TO DIE, THAT'S ART.

BUT... WHEN THE GRAVEDIGGER
TAKES ON THE CAPED CANADIAN,

THAT'S TRASH?

I'M SORRY. I DON'T GET IT.

WELL, MY POINT IS

THE CULTURAL HISTOIRE...

OH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH. TALK IS CHEAP.

LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND SETTLE THIS THING.

WHY DO THEY CALL IT BACON?

YOU DON'T BAKE IT, YOU FRY IT.

WHY THE DEVIL CAN'T
THEY CALL IT FRYCON?

AM I RIGHT, EGGIE?

YOU KNOW, I THINK
HE'S ONTO SOMETHING.

MMM.

SO I MADE A BRIEF STOPOVER
IN SPAIN, AND THEN...

REALLY?

I UNDERSTAND THE PLAINS OF SPAIN

EXPERIENCE MAINLY RAIN?

THEY'RE REALLY
IMPRESSED WITH DICK.

HE'S GOT THEM EATING
OUT OF HIS HANDS.

YEAH, I TRIED THAT ONCE,
BUT IT GOT BIT BY A GOAT.

OHH, LOOK AT ME.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN ON
THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.

NOW I'M ON THE INSIDE.

YOU WANNA GO OUTSIDE?

NEVER AGAIN.

I'M GOING OUTSIDE.

Edgar: 6,500.

MMM, THAT MUCH?

I'M AFRAID YOU WERE
TAKEN, MY FRIEND.

WAS I?

YES. I ONLY PAID $20 FOR MINE,

AND IT'S A ROLEX, TOO.

THE TRICK IS TO BUY IT STRAIGHT
OFF THE TRUCK, NO OVERHEAD.

HAVE YOU LISTENED TO HIM?

WHO?

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR.

LORD KNOWS WHICH ROCK
ST. CLAIR FOUND HIM UNDER.

HA HA. HA HA.

REMEMBER WHEN HE INVITED
THE DUTCH TRANSVESTITE

TO READ OUR PALMS?

AND WHERE DID HE
GET THAT ACCENT?

MAY I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE?

DICKIE HAS JUST INFORMED
ME ABOUT SOMETHING,

AND I THINK EVERYONE
SHOULD HEAR IT.

THANK YOU, EGGIE. I DON'T
MEAN TO PANIC ANYONE,

BUT I'M AFRAID THE
CALAMARI IS INFESTED

WITH BABY SQUID.

DICK,

SUDDENLY I'M NOT
FEELING VERY WELL.

MARY! YOU DIDN'T EAT
THE CALAMARI, DID YOU?

YES, THAT'S IT.

OH, MY. WE'VE GOT TO
GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

HARRY! SALLY! BRING
THE CAR AROUND.

I'M SORRY, BOYS.
GOTTA AM-SCRAY. TA-TA.

MARY...

YOU'RE SPOILING OUR FUN.

YOU KNOW,

IF I WERE YOU

AND HAD YOUR MONEY,

THE FIRST THING I'D DO

IS HIRE A GOOD SURGEON

TO HAVE THAT HUGE COB
REMOVED FROM MY BUTT.

YOU MAY HAVE YOUR
LITTLE CLUBHOUSE,

BUT NONE OF YOU IS TRULY HAPPY.

ACTUALLY...

WE ARE.

WELL, THEN...

SOME OF YOU ARE... FAT.

OH, MARY,

WHAT A WONDERFUL
EVENING THAT WAS.

THE AMBIANCE, THE
PEOPLE, THE REPARTEE...

OH, WASN'T IT
DREADFUL? I HATED IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.

MARY, I WANTED TO STICK A
CHILLED SALAD FORK INTO MY EYE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I
EVER SAW IN THOSE PEOPLE.

I GUESS I SPENT SO MUCH
TIME TRYING TO IMPRESS THEM

THAT I NEVER STOPPED TO REALIZE
THEY WEREN'T WORTH IMPRESSING.

YOU'RE WORTH IMPRESSING, MARY.

THANK YOU.

WHAT? YOU KNOW ONE
THING I DID LIKE ABOUT THEM?

THEIR SHRIMP PUFFS.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY.

OH, NO, NO. I'VE GOT
SOME RIGHT HERE.

OH.

OH, WAIT, WAIT!

I HAVE DIPPING SAUCE.

NO, THANKS.

OH.

YOU KNOW, IN A WAY,

IT'S A SHAME THINGS
DIDN'T WORK OUT BETTER.

AFTER ALL, THEY SEEM TO
LIKE EVERYTHING YOU DO.

NOT EVERYTHING.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

SURPRISE!

OH, MY GOD!

NOW YOU HAVE A TV
ON THE GROUND FLOOR!

THAT'S THE BIGGEST
TV I'VE EVER SEEN.

HOW DID YOU AFFORD THIS?

OH, I SOLD YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
ANTIQUE END TABLES.

WHAT?!

ACTUALLY, THAT ONLY
COVERED THE DOWN PAYMENT.

YOU HAVE 12 MORE
MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $265.

WELL, UH, UH...

WELL...

GUNSMOKE!

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE