3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 14 - Romeo & Juliet & Dick - full transcript

DICK, I NEED A FAVOR.

NOT NOW, TOMMY.
I'M DOING RESEARCH.

I'M FINDING OUT WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN THE SPIT HITS THE FAN.

OH, DICK.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

"ACTORS ON ACTING"?

YEAH. YOU KNOW HOW
YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING

TO FIND NEW WAYS TO
EXPLORE THE HUMAN FEELINGS?

"USING YOUR EMOTIONAL MEMORY.



"THE SEARCH FOR EMOTIONAL TRUTH

WILL STIMULATE YOUR
EMOTIONAL JUICES."

EMOTIONAL JUICES?

I LOVE MY JUICES.
THIS IS EXCITING.

I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.

THAT'S WHY I VOLUNTEERED
YOU TO DIRECT OUR SCHOOL PLAY.

ME DIRECT? AS IN CONTROL?

YEAH. IT'S ROMEO AND JULIET.

AUGUST WANTS TO PLAY JULIET,

AND, IF YOU DIRECT, YOU
CAN CAST ME AS ROMEO.

I'LL DO IT!

THAT'S SO GREAT,

'CAUSE THERE ARE SOME
MAJOR MAKE-OUT SCENES.

AND ALSO SOME REALLY
POWERFUL EMOTIONAL STUFF.



I GET TO DIE.

I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW.

ON THE MARQUEE:

DICK SOLOMON DIRECTS A
DICK SOLOMON PRODUCTION

OF DICK SOLOMON'S
ROMEO AND JULIET.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

"NATURALLY, AN ACTOR MUST
PLAY THE TRUTH OF THE SCENE

AND NOT INDULGE IN
EMOTION FOR ITS OWN SAKE."

WELL, ANYONE KNOWS THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
INTERESTED IN ACTING.

WELL, YES, I AM,

BUT WHAT I REALLY
WANT TO DO IS DIRECT.

I'M NOT SAYING
THAT I COULDN'T ACT.

I COULD BE VERY CONVINCING.

LIGHT COMEDY.

HA HA HA HA HA!

HORROR.

WAAH-HA-HAAH!

TRAGEDY.

BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

GOOD MORNING.

LOOK, MARY. I'M DISTRAUGHT!

OR AM I?

OK. YOU HAVE A
REGISTERED LETTER.

OH. WHAT IS IT?

DAMN!

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

I OWE $1,500 IN PARKING TICKETS.

SO THEY FINALLY
CAUGHT UP WITH YOU.

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO
DIP INTO MY SAVINGS.

OH, NO. I COULDN'T
BEAR TO LET YOU DO THAT.

I'LL PAY THEM.

YOU WILL?

NO.

I'M ACTING!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

TV: OH! THAT THIS TOO TOO
SOLID FLESH WOULD MELT,

THAW AND RESOLVE
ITSELF INTO A DEW...

DICK! DICK, GUESS WHAT?

MRS. DUBCEK'S GIVING
ME ALL HER OLD JUNK.

YEAH. I GOT SOME
FRIENDS DROPPING BY

I HAVEN'T SEEN IN 10 YEARS.

I'M CLEANING OUT THE PLACE.

THERE'S SOME REALLY
GREAT STUFF IN HERE.

DR. SOLOMON, IF YOU
WANT TO COME DOWN,

I'LL LET YOU RUMMAGE
THROUGH MY TCHOTCHKES.

I'M FLATTERED, MRS. DUBCEK,

BUT I THINK OF YOU
MORE AS A FRIEND.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

IT'S HAMLET WITH
LAURENCE OLIVER.

I'VE WATCHED IT 3 TIMES ALREADY.

HUH. I LIKE THE WAY HE MAKES
HIS VOICE GO UP AND DOWN.

IT MAKES EVERYTHING HE SAYS

SOUND SO...

FRUITY?

NO. IMPORTANT.

HEY, GUYS.

YOU STILL WATCHING THAT STUFF?

IT'S NOT STUFF. IT'S HAMLET.

YEAH, BUT WHY DO THEY
HAVE TO TALK THAT WAY?

I CAN'T FOLLOW THE STORY.

HAMLET?

THE STORY IS AS OLD AS TIME.

PRETTY-BOY SON HAS A RICH DADDY

AND A GOOD-LOOKING MOMMY.

THE UNCLE KNOCKS OFF DADDY,

MARRIES MOMMY,

AND HE CUTS PRETTY
BOY OUT OF THE ACTION.

SO JUNIOR GOES CRAZY,
AND HE KILLS THEM ALL.

NOT A PRETTY STORY,

BUT THERE IT IS.

ISN'T THAT THE PLOT
TO THE LION KING?

OH, PLEASE!

I NEED YOUR HELP, DON.

I'M IN A BIT OF A SCRAPE.

FIGURES.

DAMES LIKE YOU ALWAYS
ATTRACT TROUBLE.

I GOT ANOTHER PARKING TICKET.

CAN YOU FIX IT, DON, OR...

AM I LEANING TOO HARD?

GO AHEAD AND LEAN, BABY.

DON WILL MAKE
THE TICKET GO AWAY.

WHAT? YOU CAN MAKE
PARKING TICKETS DISAPPEAR?

OF COURSE HE CAN.

DON HAS CONNECTIONS DOWNTOWN.

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAS
SOME PARKING TICKETS.

UH, I CAN'T ALWAYS...

DON CAN FIX IT, RIGHT?

WELL, UH...

RIGHT?

SURE.

OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MARY.

SOME OF YOU WILL NOT BE CAST.

THOSE WILL BE THE LUCKY ONES.

OVER THE LONG AND
GRUELING REHEARSAL PERIOD,

I WILL BE YOUR DIRECTOR,
YOUR TEACHER, YOUR MENTOR,

YOUR MOTHER, YOUR
FATHER, YOUR LOVER.

MY ASSISTANT NINA...

WILL READ YOUR NAMES.

NINA.

OK, UM, TIMOTHY MAFFERTY.

HE'S READING MERCUTIO.

AHEM.

"TRUE, I TALK OF DREAMS,
WHICH ARE BUT CHILDREN..."

YES, YES. YES, OF COURSE.

BUT HAVE YOU TRIED IT LIKE THIS?

MAKE YOUR VOICE GO HIGH

AND THEN SUDDENLY BRING IT DOWN.

TRUE, I SPEAK OF DREAMS

WHICH ARE BUT CHILDREN

OF AN IDLE BRAIN,

BEGOT OF NOTHING
BUT VAIN FANTASY.

FROM NOW ON, I WANT EVERYONE

TO TRY TO SPEAK THAT WAY.

OH, AND USE YOUR HANDS A LOT.

WE'RE ACTING. REMEMBER THAT.

CARRY ON.

[FALLING SOUND]

[CLANG]

HE WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANVIL.

REMIND ME NEVER TO ASK
YOU FOR ANOTHER FAVOR AGAIN.

YOU WEREN'T RIGHT FOR THE ROLE.

HEY, HOW'D THE AUDITION GO?

I LOST THE PART.

THE DIRECTOR DIDN'T
THINK I WAS GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU WERE GOOD.

YOU HAD DELIVERY,
PRESENCE, TIMING.

YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT
INDEFINABLE SOMETHING EXTRA.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO SCORE
SOME POINTS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

ROMEO AND JULIET IS A
SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A
HORNY TEENAGER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.

GO AHEAD, DR. ALBRIGHT.

UH, HELLO, DON.

UM, DR. SOLOMON
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE

TO HELP ME WITH THIS.

WELL, I HAVE BEEN
KNOWN TO BEND A FEW...

[GASPS]

YOU HAVE $1,500 IN FINES.

AND, POOF, THEY'RE GONE.

I CAN'T POOF THIS MANY TICKETS.

ONE MORE, AND SHE'D
BE IN HANDCUFFS.

I WAS GOING TO PAY THEM.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DIDN'T.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU
GOT A LENIENT JUDGE,

HE MIGHT REDUCE THE FINE.

YOUR COURT DATE IS ON THE 27th.

27th...

OH...

JUDGE DEBELKO.

THAT SOUNDS BAD. IS IT BAD?

IT'S BAD. YOU'D BE BETTER
OFF WITH JUDGE CONTE.

NOW, WHEN I GO TO COURT,

SHOULD I APOLOGIZE
TO JUDGE CONTE

OR JUST SHOW SOME REMORSE?

ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL

IF YOU SHOW SOME CLEAVAGE.

HE CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

TRUST ME. WE'RE GONNA PAINT
YOUR FACE AND HIKE YOUR PUPPIES.

I KNOW WHAT I'M
DOING, RIGHT, DON?

"OH, ROMEO...

ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU..."

YES, EH, YES. EH, VERY LOVELY.

DARLING, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?

FEAR, LOVE, LUST?

BECAUSE THE AUDIENCE
IS PLAYING BOREDOM.

I'M PLAYING JULIET,

AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME
TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU...

PROPS! WHERE'S PROPS?!

WHAT?

THIS CANDLESTICK IS
18th CENTURY ENGLISH.

SHAKESPEARE WAS ENGLISH.

TRUE...

BUT THE PLAY IS SET IN VERONA.

PLEASE, TOMMY, I'M STRUGGLING
TO WRING A PERFORMANCE

OUT OF THIS RAGTAG
COMPANY OF MANNEQUINS

FROM THE JUNIOR MISS DEPARTMENT.

I CAN'T DO YOUR JOB, TOO.

IN THE FUTURE, I SUGGEST
YOU READ THE PLAY.

NOW EVERYONE WATCH ONCE AGAIN

AS I ACT OUT THE
PLAY IN ITS ENTIRETY.

NINA, NINA.

READ ME IN.

"CURTAIN RISES."

A BIG POMPOUS BLOWHARD
FLOUNCES ONTO THE STAGE.

LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY

YOU HAD TO BE THE PROP GUY,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF
YOU WERE CAST AS ROMEO,

WE COULD'VE DONE SOME
SERIOUS MAKING OUT.

WE... WE... WE COULD
MAKE OUT RIGHT NOW.

WITH THE PROP GUY?

HA! SORRY.

HEY! WHAT YOU MAKING?

AN AUTHENTIC RENAISSANCE
SLEEPING POTION.

NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIND A
15th CENTURY ITALIAN VIAL.

OH, WELL...

I FIND GALILEO VILE.

WELL, THIS IS THE FINAL BOX.

I AM BEAT.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU WANT SOME JUICE?

OH, PLEASE.

I'LL HAVE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY FRIENDS

WHEN THEY DROP BY.

THEY'RE LOVELY, VERY NICE.

THERE'S DIANE AND
HER HUSBAND AND JIMMY.

MMM.

JIMMY IS AN OLD FLAME.

I KNEW HE'D COME BACK FOR MORE.

COME BACK FOR MORE WHAT?

I SAID, COME BACK
FOR MORE WHAT?!

AAH!

WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, GREAT.

YOU LET HER DRINK THE PROP?

WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW IT WORKS.

"I BEG FOR JUSTICE,

"WHICH THOU, PRINCE, MUST GIVE.

"ROMEO SLEW TYBALT.

ROMEO MUST NOT LIVE."

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

YOU ARE LADY CAPULET.

YOUR KINSMAN TYBALT
HAS BEEN KILLED.

HE'S DEAD!

YOU'RE ASKING FOR JUSTICE,

NOT EXTRA PICKLES ON
YOUR HAPPY BURGER! JUSTICE!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
ACT, NOT BLEAT, JUST ACT!

NOW ACT!

I CAN'T ACT, DR. SOLOMON.

YES, YOU CAN!

I CAN'T.

I CAN'T ACT.

DO YOUR LINES. NOW. NOW!

I BEG FOR JUSTICE,

WHICH THOU, PRINCE, MUST GIVE.

ROMEO SLEW TYBALT.

ROMEO MUST NOT LIVE.

I WANT EVERYONE TO TAKE
A GOOD LOOK AT CHERYL...

BECAUSE CHERYL IS AN ACTOR.

HELLO?

DAMN IT. VOICE MAIL.

HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.

THIS IS SERGEANT...

[DISGUISING VOICE]
THIS IS A FRIEND...

WITH A MESSAGE.

DON'T COME TO COURT TODAY.

THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE IN PLANS.

NEXT, DR. MARY ALBRIGHT.

HERE, YOUR HONOR.

SALLY, DIDN'T YOU
GET MY MESSAGES?

WHAT MESSAGES?

THEY SWITCHED JUDGES.

I'VE BEEN CALLING ALL MORNING.

YOU'RE CHARGED WITH
$1,500 IN OUTSTANDING FINES.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

[LIKE MARILYN MONROE] ALL
I CAN SAY IS, I'M SO SORRY,

AND I THROW MYSELF ON
THE MERCY OF THE COURT.

REALLY.

DR. ALBRIGHT, WILL YOU
PLEASE APPROACH THIS BENCH?

YOU HAVE A VERY BIG BENCH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS
LITTLE CHARADE IS ABOUT...

WE'RE TRYING TO INFLUENCE YOU.

SERGEANT, PLEASE
REMOVE THAT WOMAN.

DOESN'T HE KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

YOU HAVE A GUN, DON. USE IT!

DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU HAVE
INFLUENCED THIS COURT.

I AM FINING YOU THE FULL AMOUNT

PLUS COURT COSTS

PLUS $500 FOR CONTEMPT.

NEXT.

BUT, YOUR HONOR... NEXT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THE ONE TIME THAT I COULD
HELP THE WOMAN I LOVE,

AND YOUR FRIEND
DON FALLS THROUGH.

IT WAS JUST AN IRONIC TWIST
OF FATE. DON'T BLAME DON.

I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING AROUND
THAT POLICE STATION ANYMORE.

FINE, I'LL GO TO HIS PLACE.

NO, YOU WON'T.

OH, YES, I WILL.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. I'M
NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET.

OH, UH, MRS. DUBCEK,

WOULD YOU MIND MOVING...

OH!

MY GOD.

SHE'S DEAD.

AAH!

WHOA. WHAT IS IT?

OH, HER.

SHE'S NOT DEAD.

YEAH, BUT SHE'S COLD.

SHE'S NOT BREATHING.

OH, YOU GUYS, SHE'S FINE.

SHE DRANK THE POTION.

THE SLEEPING POTION

FROM ROMEO AND JULIET.

WELL, I GUESS WE CAN
TAKE HER DOWNSTAIRS

UNTIL SHE COMES TO.

HERE, HARRY, GET HER FEET.

SALLY, HELP WITH THE DOOR.

Woman: HI, MAMIE. IT'S US.

All: HI.

GET HER INSIDE. GET HER INSIDE.

WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

OH, WELL, UH, IT'S DIANE

AND HER HUSBAND AND JIMMY,

AN OLD FLAME COMING
BACK FOR MORE.

THIS IS JUST GREAT. DIDN'T
YOU MAKE AN ANTIDOTE?

HMM, IS THERE ONE IN THE PLAY?

IF THEY SEE HER LIKE THIS,

THE SPIT IS REALLY
GONNA HIT THE FAN.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WAIT. I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA.

HARRY, DID YOU KNOW THAT IN
THE THEATER OF SHAKESPEARE'S DAY,

THE WOMEN'S ROLES
WERE PLAYED BY MEN?

REALLY?

THEY ALSO TIED UP BEARS
AND THREW ROCKS AT THEM.

[SPUTTERING]

IT'S THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME,
HARRY, AN ACTOR'S DREAM.

COME ON, LET'S GET
HER IN THE BATHROOM.

I DON'T WANT TO.

DICK, YOU CAN'T PASS
HARRY OFF AS MRS. DUBCEK.

THEY'LL KNOW.

AH, YOU FORGET.

THEY HAVEN'T SEEN
HER IN OVER 10 YEARS.

BESIDES, HARRY HAS
A SECRET WEAPON.

WHAT?

A GREAT DIRECTOR!

HELLO. ANYBODY HOME?

UH, NO, NOBODY'S HERE.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE GO
INTO THE LIVING ROOM, OK?

YES, THIS WAY.
RIGHT, MOVE ALONG.

YEAH, FASTER. HA HA HA. OK.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT?
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT SOMEBODY

TO PAY RENT FOR THIS CRAPHOLE.

YEAH, EVERY MONTH.

YEAH, AND, UH, AND WE
JUST LOVE MRS. DUBCEK,

UH, EVEN MORE
SINCE THE ACCIDENT.

ACCIDENT?

YES. CHANGED HER...

CONSIDERABLY.

UH, AND, UH, SHE REFUSED
THE ESTROGEN THERAPY, UM,

BUT, UH, DON'T
MENTION IT TO HER.

SHE'S VERY SENSITIVE.

IS THERE A BATHROOM AROUND...

NO! UH, NO!

WE USE THE ONE
AT THE GAS STATION.

EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SO...

Sally: WHAT IS
TAKING YOU SO LONG?

Dick: DO YOU MIND?

AN ACTOR NEEDS TIME TO PREPARE.

NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME.

[IMITATING DUBCEK]
LOVELY. VERY NICE.

Harry, imitating Dubcek:
LOVELY. VERY NICE.

YOU'RE GOING OUT THERE A NOBODY,

BUT YOU'RE COMING BACK A STAR.

NOW GO.

MAMIE, HONEY.

WELL...

I SEE YOU'VE MET MY TENANTS.

WE LOVE MRS. DUBCEK.

HI, MAMIE.

LOVELY TATTOO.

VERY NICE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU
FOR BEING DISTANT,

NOT AFTER WHAT WE WENT THROUGH.

SHE AND JIMMY
USED TO BE ENGAGED.

OH, YOU'RE JIMMY.

UH, SHE MENTIONED YOU

JUST THE OTHER EVENING.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS

FOR KICKING ME OUT
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

THAT WAS THE WAKE-UP CALL

THAT FINALLY GOT
ME OFF THE SAUCE.

AW. AW.

THAT'S SO SWEET.

FORGIVE ME?

SURE.

STOP IT! STOP IT!
STOP IT! GET OFF!

OH.

I'M SORRY. SHE HAD SOMETHING
CRAWLING UP HER CHIN.

WH-WHY DON'T YOU
ALL GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND, UH, UH, GET REACQUAINTED.

UH, MRS. DUBCEK...

THERE WE ARE.

BYE-BYE, NOW.

BYE-BYE.

BYE-BYE, NOW.

MANHANDLE ME AGAIN,

AND YOU'LL ANSWER TO JIMMY.

WE ARE BREATHING.

WE ARE BREATHING.

[ALL INHALE DEEPLY]

ALL RIGHT!

WHICH ONE OF YOU
JAMOKES IS SOLOMON?

THAT WOULD BE I.

YOU'RE OUT!

OUT? WELL, WHO ARE YOU?

I'M COACH MAFFERTY.

MY WIFE'S WITH THE PTA,

AND THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLAINTS

THAT THESE KIDS ARE COMING
HOME WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM,

AND THEY'RE WETTING THEIR
BEDS AND STUFF LIKE THAT,

SO YOU'RE LOOKING
AT THE NEW DIRECTOR.

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

SORRY, SPIELBERG, YOU'RE OUT.

Kids: YES.

NO, NO. DO NOT WEEP FOR ME.

I HUMBLY QUIT THE STAGE.

NO, NO. NO TEARS.

THE THEATER IS A CRUEL MISTRESS.

ADIEU. ADIEU.

REMEMBER ME.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

OK, KIDS, LET'S HUDDLE UP.

BACK IT UP

TO "I PRAY YOU, GOOD
MERCUTIO, LET'S RETIRE."

OK, NOW, WHO'S PLAYING MERCUTIO?

AHEM, COACH MAFFERTY, IF I MAY,

I THINK THERE IS SOMEONE
HERE WHO CAN PLAY MERCUTIO.

[METAL CLACKING]

AAH!

I AM HURT.

AYE, AYE, A SCRATCH, A SCRATCH.

MARRY, 'TIS ENOUGH.
'TWILL SERVE.

ASK FOR ME TOMORROW,

AND YOU WILL FIND ME A GRAVE...

MAN.

ROMEO, BRAVE MERCUTIO IS DEAD.

A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES,

FOR THEY HAVE MADE
WORM'S MEAT OF ME.

OH.

ROMEO...

I HAVE IT, AND SOUNDLY, TOO.

YOUR...

HOUSES.

[WHISPERING] I'm dead now.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

WELL, HERE IT IS.

THE REVIEW IN MY
HIGH SCHOOL PAPER.

THE REVIEWS!

"COACH MAFFERTY DIRECTS..."

"AUGUST LEFLER,
LOVELY JULIET..."

"SETS WONDERFUL..."

AH! AH AH.

"DICK SOLOMON'S
OVER-THE-TOP PERFORMANCE..."

"GAVE NEW MEANING

TO THE WORD TRAGEDY."

I HAVE REDEFINED MY ART,

AND SO I RETIRE.

NO!

NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

TO GO ANY FURTHER WOULD
JEOPARDIZE THE MISSION.

TOMMY, HANG UP MY CODPIECE.

DICK, I'M NOT YOUR
PROP LACKEY ANYMORE.

BESIDES, AS OF NEXT MONTH,

YOUR CODPIECE TURNS
INTO SANCHO PANZA'S HAT.

I WONDER WHAT DON'S DOING.

DON!

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR
THE NAME DON MENTIONED

IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN.

NOW, THAT'S AN ORDER.

HI, THERE.

[GASPS]

WHAT AM I DOING ON THE ROOF?

YOU KNOW, WE WERE
ABOUT TO ASK YOU

THE SAME THING,
WEREN'T WE? YEAH.

YOU SHOULD BE
INSIDE, MRS. DUBCEK.

LET US HELP YOU.

OH, DON.

DON.

WHY SHOULD THE NAME
DON MAKE DICK SO ANGRY?

Don: SALLY.

WHO'S THERE?

I WOULD TELL YOU,

BUT MY NAME IS SO
OFFENSIVE TO YOUR FAMILY,

I DARE NOT SPEAK IT ALOUD.

OH, DON, IF THEY FOUND YOU,

THERE'S NO TELLING
WHAT THEY'D DO TO YOU.

I'M OK.

I HAVE NIGHT'S CLOAK TO
HIDE ME FROM THEIR EYES,

AND IF THOU LOVE ME,
LET THEM FIND ME HERE.

MY LIFE WERE BETTER
ENDED BY THEIR HATE

THEN DEATH PROLONGED,
WANTING OF THY LOVE.

WOW, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC.

WELL...

I WROTE IT MYSELF.

I'VE ASKED YOU BACK
HERE FOR A REASON.

YOU SEEM LIKE AN
INTELLIGENT WOMAN,

SO I'M GOING TO
MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

I WILL LOWER THE FINES,

REMOVE THE CONTEMPT CHARGE,

AND ELIMINATE THE COURT
COSTS ON ONE CONDITION.

YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME

THAT YOU WILL SPEND
THE WEEKEND WITH ME

AT A HOTEL IN CHICAGO.

THE AMBASSADOR EAST?

THE SHERATON.

NO.