3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 12 - Jolly Old St. Dick - full transcript
The Solomons experience their first Christmas.
I HAVE GOT THE PERFECT
PRESENT FOR YOU.
A PRESENT? WHAT FOR?
CHRISTMAS.
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T
GET ME ANYTHING?
HA. NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? NO.
NOT GET YOU ANYTHING?
OF COURSE I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
I, UH, I GOT YOU THE
PERFECT SOMETHING.
IT'S PERFECT, AND IT'S, UH,
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING. YEAH.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
ALL RIGHT, WE ARE WIRED.
CAN I PLUG IT IN?
CAN I PLUG IT IN?
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
YEAH. YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHING YET.
BY THE TIME I'M
THROUGH WITH THIS JOINT,
THEY'RE GONNA BE ABLE
TO SEE IT FROM THE SHUTTLE.
TOMMY!
LOOK WHAT I GOT.
A STICK?
NO.
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE.
YOU'LL SEE.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE LOVE.
Sally: DICK! DICK, YOU
ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHAT WE GOT AT THE MALL.
A STICK?
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE.
THAT THING?
WE ARE SOLOMONS, HARRY.
WE SHOULD HAVE THE BIGGEST,
NOBLEST TREE IN ALL OF OHIO.
FORGET THE STICK, DICK.
WE FOUND JOBS.
THE MALL IS FULL OF
THEM, CHRISTMAS JOBS.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT A
PROFESSIONAL GIFT WRAPPER.
AND I AM THE EXECUTIVE
ASSISTANT TO MR. SANTA CLAUS.
I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S THE MUCKIE-MUCK IN
CHARGE OF THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
YEAH. WELL, I'M KIND
OF HIS RIGHT-HAND ELF.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
IT'S A CELEBRATION.
TOMMY, WHEN DID WE
FIRST LAND ON THIS PLANET?
JANUARY 9. IT WAS A
TUESDAY, EXACTLY 8:30 P.M.
7:30 CENTRAL.
YOU REALIZE WE'RE COMING
UP ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
AN EARTH-YEAR ON EARTH,
AND EVERYTHING IS
FINALLY COMING TOGETHER.
IT'S AS IF ALL THE EARTH
WERE THROWING US A PARTY.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL SO... SO...
HUMAN.
SAME HERE. ME, TOO.
I'M FEELING KIND
OF HUMANY MYSELF.
OH, GUYS.
OH, GREAT.
NOW IT'S A STICK.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
WEEDS.
OK, DICK, IT'S TIME TO
PICK YOUR SECRET SANTA.
IT'S TIME TO WHO FOR WHAT-WHAT?
PICK A NAME. THAT'S WHO
YOU BUY A PRESENT FOR.
PRESENTS? FOR CHRISTMAS?
THE BOWL IS HEAVY.
LET'S PLAY SECRET SANTA.
DR. ANTHONY? I BARELY KNOW HIM.
FLANSBURGH,
CHILTON,
LINNELL.
DICK, YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE
YOUR PERSON. IT'S RANDOM.
YOU PICK ONE NAME, AND
IT'S A SECRET UNTIL THE PARTY.
OH.
WELL, I'VE PICKED MY NAME,
AND WHOEVER IT IS
HASN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA.
FROM NOW UNTIL THE PARTY,
THEIR LIFE WILL BE A TOPSY-TURVY
LABYRINTH OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
LET HIM DRAW AGAIN.
WELL, HELLO-HO-HO, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO SANTA'S TOYLAND.
PRESENTS, TOYS, AND
FUN FOR CHILDREN 1 TO 91.
OH, UH, PLEASE NOTE
THAT CHILDREN 16 TO 91
SHOULD NOT SIT ON SANTA'S LAP.
DAMN.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
WOW, YOU'VE BEEN
SHOPPING YOUR BUTT OFF.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, RIGHT?
OH, IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT?
PEOPLE BUYING STUFF,
LUGGING BAGS AROUND,
MAXING OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS.
IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE
WORLD HAS JOINED TOGETHER
TO EMBRACE FINANCIAL RUIN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SHE'S COIN-OPERATED.
IT'S JUST THAT SHE HAS
THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ME,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT TO GET HER.
HER NAME IS AUGUST LEFLER.
HO HO HO HO.
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW AUGUST, BUT...
WELL, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO HAVE
SOME KIND OF LIST OR SOMETHING?
HO HO HO HO.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I LEFT MY
LIST UP IN THE NORTH POLE.
OH, GREAT.
CAN'T YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE
FAX IT TO YOU OR SOMETHING?
I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP.
HO HO HO. WELL, TOMMY...
LOOK...
YOU WANNA MAKE THIS
AUGUST CHICK HAPPY,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DROP SOME COLD HARD CASH,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
ON WHAT?
LISTEN, PORK BUTT, I NEED
MODEL NUMBERS HERE.
GET A HAIRCUT.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.
AGAIN?
THE ROOT MUST BE
SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS.
OOH. IS THAT THE GIFT
YOU GOT FOR JUDITH?
OOH.
OR WHOEVER IT WAS
YOU HAPPENED TO PICK.
YES.
THERE'S A $20 LIMIT.
I KNOW. I WENT A LITTLE OVER,
$120 OVER.
IT'S EASY TO GET
CARRIED AWAY, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, A FEW YEARS AGO
I MADE A BATCH OF MY FAMOUS
RUMBALLS FOR CHRISTMAS.
THEY WERE SO POPULAR,
THAT THIS YEAR, JUST ON A WHIM,
I MADE 20 BATCHES, ENOUGH
FOR THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.
MMM. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU WOULD
HAVE THAT MUCH RUM AROUND.
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, NINA.
YES, NINA, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
MY DAD WOULD GO OUT AND GET
THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS
TREE HE COULD FIND.
WE'D GO CAROLING,
OPEN OUR HOUSE TO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALL THAT SHARING AND GENEROSITY.
[SOBS]
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK HOW GENEROUS I AM.
I AM CHRISTMAS.
HELLO, AND HAPPY
HOLIDAYS FROM ALL...
WHERE'S MY PACKAGE?
I'M SUPPOSED TO
SAY THE WHOLE THING.
HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS...
EXCUSE ME, I WAS HERE FIRST.
EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST PICKING UP.
HEY, HEY, COME ON, PEOPLE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HAPPY. THIS IS SHOPPING.
YEAH, WELL, I'M FED UP.
WHERE THE HELL'S
JANUARY ALREADY?
HEY, COULD YOU CUT THE
CHITCHAT SO SHE CAN WRAP?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
THIS ISN'T ABOUT
BUYING GIFTS AT ALL.
THIS IS ABOUT VICIOUSNESS, AND
RUTHLESSNESS, AND AGGRESSION, AND...
USUALLY I LIKE ALL
THOSE THINGS, BUT...
NOW...
IT'S JUST REALLY
RUINING CHRISTMAS.
JUST WRAP.
Kids: AW.
OH, DON'T WORRY, BOYS AND GIRLS.
SANTA WILL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER HE TAKES CARE OF
SOME PERSONAL BUSINESS...
ON THE TOILET.
AH, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING
THESE KIDS? THEY WEIGH A TON.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK
PART OF THE PROBLEM
IS WE'RE FEEDING THEM CANDY.
MAYBE IF WE COULD
GIVE THEM CELERY
OR SOME KIND OF...
OH. SANTA...
WHAT ARE YOU...
I MEAN...
IT'S...
YOU...
NOOOO!
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ THAT CHRISTMAS
TREE IS BLOOMING ♪
THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TREE.
HEY... HEY, BUDDY,
CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, NO, THANKS. I
HAVE A CHAIN SAW.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, OFFICER.
PEACE ON EARTH.
GOODWILL TOWARD MEN.
WHAT A CROCK.
$900 IN FINES, AND THEY
CONFISCATED YOUR CHAIN SAW?
AND HAVE YOU EVER FELT A TASER?
IT'S NOT NEARLY AS
MUCH FUN AS IT LOOKS.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES.
APPARENTLY, THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
DOESN'T APPLY WHEN YOU'RE
"TRESPASSING" AND "VANDALIZING."
LET'S FACE IT,
CHRISTMAS IS A SHAM.
HOW CAN HUMANS TAKE
SOMETHING LIKE SHOPPING...
SOMETHING PURE, AND
NATURAL, AND GOOD...
AND TURN IT INTO
SOMETHING SO UGLY?
THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY.
THIS IS TORTURE.
THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY
WANT, BUT THEY WON'T TELL YOU.
NO-HO-HO, THEY MAKE YOU GUESS.
THIS IS JUST SO EARTH.
HUMANS.
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY
OF THEIR REINDEER GAMES.
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
AH, LISTEN TO THEM,
SINGING LIKE IDIOTS.
WHY DID WE WANT TO
BE LIKE HUMANS ANYWAY?
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
THAT'S BETTER.
AND SO WE SEE THAT
B = 2A OVER DELTA,
WHICH EQUALS K x
MASS OVER 2 PI DELTA,
AND THEREFORE...
LEON.
WHAT ARE YOU PASSING AROUND?
OH, CARYN MADE THEM.
YEAH, THEY'RE CHRISTMAS COOKIES.
OH, HOW CHRISTMASY.
ALL SPARKLY RED AND GREEN.
OH, LOOK.
ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER.
WATCH HIM FLY.
OH, LOOK, A LITTLE
CHRISTMAS BELL.
DING DONG!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
IT WAS A SNOWMAN.
NO. IT WAS BUTTER AND
SUGAR AND SPRINKLES
ALL WRAPPED UP IN EMPTY
SENTIMENT AND HOLIDAY HYPOCRISY.
[BELL RINGS]
All: WHOO! YAY!
HO. HO HO. HO HO HO HO HO HO HO.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK ♪
IT IS NOT ♪ CHRISTMAS BREAK ♪
UNTIL I SAY IT IS,
NOT UNTIL YOU'VE COMPLETED
THE FOLLOWING
REMEDIAL ASSIGNMENT.
YOU WILL WRITE A 15-PAGE
DISSERTATION ON WAVE PHYSICS
AND ITS RELATION TO
ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION.
OH, AND A 5-POINT
BONUS IF YOU CAN TELL ME
HOW THE HELL SANTA DELIVERS
ALL THOSE TOYS IN ONE NIGHT!
IT'S TO BE TYPEWRITTEN
AND ON MY DESK
NO LATER THAN 6:00.
TONIGHT?
BUT IT'S DECEMBER 23.
YEAH, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE EVE.
OH, IT IS?
WELL, TOUGH TINSEL.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
BYE-BYE NOW.
HEY, TOMMY.
I FINALLY FOUND
SOMETHING FOR AUGUST.
PERFUME. IS THIS WHAT SHE WANTS?
I DON'T KNOW,
SO I ALSO GOT A
PORTABLE CD PLAYER.
OH. SHE LIKES CDs?
I DON'T KNOW, SO I
GOT HER EARRINGS,
AND A CELLULAR
PHONE, AND A BELT.
HOW DID YOU AFFORD
ALL THIS STUFF?
YOU KNOW THAT JAR OF
PENNIES I HAVE IN MY ROOM?
YEAH.
IT'S WHERE I HIDE
DICK'S CREDIT CARD.
BARTENDER.
2 FINGERS, NO FAT.
I BELIEVED IN HIM.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
BRINGING JOY TO THE WORLD.
I WAS GONNA MOVE
TO THE NORTH POLE
TO WORK IN HIS TOY FACTORY.
WELL...
LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.
YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS
COMING IN HERE, FAT BOY.
DO I KNOW YOU?
OH, DON'T GET CUTE
WITH ME, KRINGLE,
IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
GET ONE OF YOUR REINDEER
TO KICK ME TO DEATH?
Man: HEY, TAKE IT EASY.
OH, MIND YOUR OWN...
WHOA.
WAIT A SECOND.
BUT, YOU...
HE...
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
AAH!
AAH!
♪ JINGLE BELL, JINGLE
BELL, JINGLE BELL ROCK ♪
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR
I LIKE WHITE MUSIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, NINA?
MMM.
TOO MUCH EGG.
NEEDS MORE NOG. YUP.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
MMM.
RUMBALL?
UH, SPARE ME.
YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME IF
YOU WANT YOUR STOCKING STUFFED.
[TURNS MUSIC OFF] HEY.
THERE WILL BE NO
HOLIDAY CHEER, NINA,
WHILE THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
WORK? ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
I'LL NEED ALL THE GRADES
FROM MY 10:00 CLASS
BROKEN DOWN AND RETABULATED
FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
YES.
Mary: DICK, WE NEED
SOMEBODY TALL
TO HANG THE BOUGHS OF HOLLY.
FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NO.
I GUESS I'D LIKE THE PLAID...
WE'RE OUT OF EVERYTHING BUT
GREEN FOIL AND HAPPY SNOWMEN.
WELL, IT'S FOR MY MOM, SO...
YOU GOT YOUR MOM A DUST MISER?
HOW NICE.
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON SUCKING.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET HER.
APPARENTLY NOT.
WAIT A SECOND. WHERE WAS THAT...
HERE YOU GO. A FOOT MASSAGER.
THE WOMAN NEEDS A
BREAK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
GOSH, THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY, THAT'S MY FOOT MASSAGER.
AW, POOR BABY.
WHO'S IT FOR?
MY WIFE.
WOW, REAL ROMANTIC.
HERE, WAIT A SECOND.
HERE, AH, SOME EXOTIC BATH OILS.
YOU CAN TURN YOUR
WIFE INTO A SLIP-AND-SLIDE.
THAT... THAT WAS
FOR MY BOYFRIEND,
UNLESS YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.
HERE, UH, INTERNATIONAL
BEER BASKET
FROM THE LIQUOR LOCKER.
OH. YEAH. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THIS IS FUN.
HEY, UH, DIAMOND
TENNIS BRACELET.
WHO WANTS ONE?
Crowd: I DO! I DO!
[LAUGHING]
LISTEN TO THEM LAUGHING,
OPENING THEIR LITTLE PRESENTS.
WHO NEEDS CHRISTMAS ANYWAY?
I SAY "BUG HUMBAR."
YOU MEAN "BAH HUMBUG."
BAH WHAT?
YOU SAID "BUG HUMBAR."
AND?
WELL, WHAT DOES
"BUG HUMBAR" MEAN?
WHAT DOES "BAH HUMBUG" MEAN?
FORGET IT.
HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YOU GOT ME A GIFT?
YEAH.
SO YOU WERE MY SECRET SANTA?
I WAS NOT YOUR SECRET SANTA.
I JUST HAPPEN TO LOVE CHRISTMAS.
NOW OPEN YOUR DAMN PRESENT.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A TRAVEL MUG.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
SO YOU DON'T SPILL COFFEE
IN YOUR LAP EVERY MORNING.
YOU NOTICED?
UH, YEAH.
I NEED THIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NINA...
FORGET THE WORK.
GO TO THE PARTY.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES. HAVE A GOOD TIME.
AND NINA...
M-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DR. SOLOMON.
WHERE ARE THOSE RUM DREIDELS
I MADE FOR DR. SCHWARTZ?
MARY, LOOK WHAT NINA GAVE ME.
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
YOU'RE RUINING MY CHRISTMAS.
NO, NO. THAT WAS THE OLD DICK.
I THINK I'VE ACTUALLY
GOT THE SPIRIT.
I WANT TO BE A PART
OF CHRISTMAS NOW.
WELL, PAH-DOM, PAH-DOM, BOMP.
DR. SOLOMON.
DR. SOLOMON.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
WE WORKED AS HARD AS WE COULD.
YOUR PAPERS?
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
DON'T TAKE POINTS OFF.
HO HO HO HO HO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE WORKED ON THOSE.
AND IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS,
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO READ THEM.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL Cs.
Cs! YES. Cs.
OH, WHAT THE HELL, IT'S
CHRISTMAS. "C" PLUSES.
YAY! ALL RIGHT.
GO, GO ALL OF YOU.
TRIM YOUR STOCKINGS
AND STUFF YOUR TREES.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE.
JUDITH.
JUDITH!
JUDITH, COME IN HERE!
JUDITH, I'M YOUR SECRET SANTA.
GET OUT.
HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SAME TO YOU.
MAY YOUR HOLIDAY BE FILLED
WITH LORDS A-LEAPING,
LADIES DANCING,
PIPERS PIPING,
DRUMMERS DRUMMING,
GEESE A-LAYING,
SWANS A-SWIMMING...
THAT WILL DO.
♪ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ♪
I KNOW I'VE HAD A
LOT OF RUMBALLS,
BUT THAT WAS REALLY SWEET.
TH-THIS IS WONDERFUL.
I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS
WAS ALL ABOUT STRESS
AND HOSTILITY AND
HANDCUFFS AND MIRANDA RIGHTS,
BUT NO, IT'S MORE.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE.
IT'S ABOUT GIVING AND
SHARING AND JUST...
BEING HUMAN.
COME ON, THE
PARTY'S STILL GOING ON,
AND I'VE SAVED A
SPECIAL DANCE FOR YOU.
OH.
THAT WEED GREW BACK AGAIN.
IT'S MISTLETOE.
MISTLETOE?
YEAH.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
BUT WHAT'S THE MISTLETOE FOR?
DICK.
OH.
HMM.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE REAL SANTA'S
GONNA SLIDE DOWN THIS THING,
BUT HE WILL.
AH, WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO MARK
OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY ON EARTH,
OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY AS HUMANS.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL
EVER REALLY KNOW
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO
KNOW ABOUT BEING HUMAN?
♪ SILENT NIGHT, OH ♪
♪ HOLY NIGHT, OH ♪
♪ ALL IS CALM, WHOO ♪
♪ ALL IS BRIGHT, OH ♪
♪ ROUND YOUNG VIR-GIN ♪
♪ MOTHER AND CHILD, OH ♪
♪ HOLY IN-FANT ♪
♪ TENDER AND MILD, AH ♪
♪ SLEEP IN HEAV-EN ♪
♪ LY PEACE, YO ♪
♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪
YI YI YI YI.
♪ SILENT NIGHT, HO ♪
♪ HOLY NIGHT... ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TOMMY.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
THIS?
I MADE IT MYSELF.
IT'S THE 2 OF US, SEE.
WHAT I GOT FOR YOU
IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
I MEAN, IT IS A JOKE
HOW MUCH BETTER
MY STUFF IS THAN THIS.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
WHICH I LOVE.
I LOVE THIS.
PRESENT FOR YOU.
A PRESENT? WHAT FOR?
CHRISTMAS.
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T
GET ME ANYTHING?
HA. NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? NO.
NOT GET YOU ANYTHING?
OF COURSE I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
I, UH, I GOT YOU THE
PERFECT SOMETHING.
IT'S PERFECT, AND IT'S, UH,
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING. YEAH.
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
ALL RIGHT, WE ARE WIRED.
CAN I PLUG IT IN?
CAN I PLUG IT IN?
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
YEAH. YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHING YET.
BY THE TIME I'M
THROUGH WITH THIS JOINT,
THEY'RE GONNA BE ABLE
TO SEE IT FROM THE SHUTTLE.
TOMMY!
LOOK WHAT I GOT.
A STICK?
NO.
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE.
YOU'LL SEE.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE LOVE.
Sally: DICK! DICK, YOU
ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHAT WE GOT AT THE MALL.
A STICK?
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE.
THAT THING?
WE ARE SOLOMONS, HARRY.
WE SHOULD HAVE THE BIGGEST,
NOBLEST TREE IN ALL OF OHIO.
FORGET THE STICK, DICK.
WE FOUND JOBS.
THE MALL IS FULL OF
THEM, CHRISTMAS JOBS.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT A
PROFESSIONAL GIFT WRAPPER.
AND I AM THE EXECUTIVE
ASSISTANT TO MR. SANTA CLAUS.
I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S THE MUCKIE-MUCK IN
CHARGE OF THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
YEAH. WELL, I'M KIND
OF HIS RIGHT-HAND ELF.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
IT'S A CELEBRATION.
TOMMY, WHEN DID WE
FIRST LAND ON THIS PLANET?
JANUARY 9. IT WAS A
TUESDAY, EXACTLY 8:30 P.M.
7:30 CENTRAL.
YOU REALIZE WE'RE COMING
UP ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
AN EARTH-YEAR ON EARTH,
AND EVERYTHING IS
FINALLY COMING TOGETHER.
IT'S AS IF ALL THE EARTH
WERE THROWING US A PARTY.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL SO... SO...
HUMAN.
SAME HERE. ME, TOO.
I'M FEELING KIND
OF HUMANY MYSELF.
OH, GUYS.
OH, GREAT.
NOW IT'S A STICK.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
WEEDS.
OK, DICK, IT'S TIME TO
PICK YOUR SECRET SANTA.
IT'S TIME TO WHO FOR WHAT-WHAT?
PICK A NAME. THAT'S WHO
YOU BUY A PRESENT FOR.
PRESENTS? FOR CHRISTMAS?
THE BOWL IS HEAVY.
LET'S PLAY SECRET SANTA.
DR. ANTHONY? I BARELY KNOW HIM.
FLANSBURGH,
CHILTON,
LINNELL.
DICK, YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE
YOUR PERSON. IT'S RANDOM.
YOU PICK ONE NAME, AND
IT'S A SECRET UNTIL THE PARTY.
OH.
WELL, I'VE PICKED MY NAME,
AND WHOEVER IT IS
HASN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA.
FROM NOW UNTIL THE PARTY,
THEIR LIFE WILL BE A TOPSY-TURVY
LABYRINTH OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
LET HIM DRAW AGAIN.
WELL, HELLO-HO-HO, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO SANTA'S TOYLAND.
PRESENTS, TOYS, AND
FUN FOR CHILDREN 1 TO 91.
OH, UH, PLEASE NOTE
THAT CHILDREN 16 TO 91
SHOULD NOT SIT ON SANTA'S LAP.
DAMN.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
WOW, YOU'VE BEEN
SHOPPING YOUR BUTT OFF.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, RIGHT?
OH, IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT?
PEOPLE BUYING STUFF,
LUGGING BAGS AROUND,
MAXING OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS.
IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE
WORLD HAS JOINED TOGETHER
TO EMBRACE FINANCIAL RUIN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SHE'S COIN-OPERATED.
IT'S JUST THAT SHE HAS
THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ME,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT TO GET HER.
HER NAME IS AUGUST LEFLER.
HO HO HO HO.
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW AUGUST, BUT...
WELL, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO HAVE
SOME KIND OF LIST OR SOMETHING?
HO HO HO HO.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I LEFT MY
LIST UP IN THE NORTH POLE.
OH, GREAT.
CAN'T YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE
FAX IT TO YOU OR SOMETHING?
I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP.
HO HO HO. WELL, TOMMY...
LOOK...
YOU WANNA MAKE THIS
AUGUST CHICK HAPPY,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DROP SOME COLD HARD CASH,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
ON WHAT?
LISTEN, PORK BUTT, I NEED
MODEL NUMBERS HERE.
GET A HAIRCUT.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.
AGAIN?
THE ROOT MUST BE
SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS.
OOH. IS THAT THE GIFT
YOU GOT FOR JUDITH?
OOH.
OR WHOEVER IT WAS
YOU HAPPENED TO PICK.
YES.
THERE'S A $20 LIMIT.
I KNOW. I WENT A LITTLE OVER,
$120 OVER.
IT'S EASY TO GET
CARRIED AWAY, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, A FEW YEARS AGO
I MADE A BATCH OF MY FAMOUS
RUMBALLS FOR CHRISTMAS.
THEY WERE SO POPULAR,
THAT THIS YEAR, JUST ON A WHIM,
I MADE 20 BATCHES, ENOUGH
FOR THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT.
MMM. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU WOULD
HAVE THAT MUCH RUM AROUND.
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, NINA.
YES, NINA, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
MY DAD WOULD GO OUT AND GET
THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS
TREE HE COULD FIND.
WE'D GO CAROLING,
OPEN OUR HOUSE TO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALL THAT SHARING AND GENEROSITY.
[SOBS]
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK HOW GENEROUS I AM.
I AM CHRISTMAS.
HELLO, AND HAPPY
HOLIDAYS FROM ALL...
WHERE'S MY PACKAGE?
I'M SUPPOSED TO
SAY THE WHOLE THING.
HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS...
EXCUSE ME, I WAS HERE FIRST.
EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST PICKING UP.
HEY, HEY, COME ON, PEOPLE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HAPPY. THIS IS SHOPPING.
YEAH, WELL, I'M FED UP.
WHERE THE HELL'S
JANUARY ALREADY?
HEY, COULD YOU CUT THE
CHITCHAT SO SHE CAN WRAP?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
THIS ISN'T ABOUT
BUYING GIFTS AT ALL.
THIS IS ABOUT VICIOUSNESS, AND
RUTHLESSNESS, AND AGGRESSION, AND...
USUALLY I LIKE ALL
THOSE THINGS, BUT...
NOW...
IT'S JUST REALLY
RUINING CHRISTMAS.
JUST WRAP.
Kids: AW.
OH, DON'T WORRY, BOYS AND GIRLS.
SANTA WILL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER HE TAKES CARE OF
SOME PERSONAL BUSINESS...
ON THE TOILET.
AH, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING
THESE KIDS? THEY WEIGH A TON.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK
PART OF THE PROBLEM
IS WE'RE FEEDING THEM CANDY.
MAYBE IF WE COULD
GIVE THEM CELERY
OR SOME KIND OF...
OH. SANTA...
WHAT ARE YOU...
I MEAN...
IT'S...
YOU...
NOOOO!
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ THAT CHRISTMAS
TREE IS BLOOMING ♪
THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TREE.
HEY... HEY, BUDDY,
CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, NO, THANKS. I
HAVE A CHAIN SAW.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, OFFICER.
PEACE ON EARTH.
GOODWILL TOWARD MEN.
WHAT A CROCK.
$900 IN FINES, AND THEY
CONFISCATED YOUR CHAIN SAW?
AND HAVE YOU EVER FELT A TASER?
IT'S NOT NEARLY AS
MUCH FUN AS IT LOOKS.
WHAT A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES.
APPARENTLY, THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
DOESN'T APPLY WHEN YOU'RE
"TRESPASSING" AND "VANDALIZING."
LET'S FACE IT,
CHRISTMAS IS A SHAM.
HOW CAN HUMANS TAKE
SOMETHING LIKE SHOPPING...
SOMETHING PURE, AND
NATURAL, AND GOOD...
AND TURN IT INTO
SOMETHING SO UGLY?
THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY.
THIS IS TORTURE.
THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY
WANT, BUT THEY WON'T TELL YOU.
NO-HO-HO, THEY MAKE YOU GUESS.
THIS IS JUST SO EARTH.
HUMANS.
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY
OF THEIR REINDEER GAMES.
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
AH, LISTEN TO THEM,
SINGING LIKE IDIOTS.
WHY DID WE WANT TO
BE LIKE HUMANS ANYWAY?
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
THAT'S BETTER.
AND SO WE SEE THAT
B = 2A OVER DELTA,
WHICH EQUALS K x
MASS OVER 2 PI DELTA,
AND THEREFORE...
LEON.
WHAT ARE YOU PASSING AROUND?
OH, CARYN MADE THEM.
YEAH, THEY'RE CHRISTMAS COOKIES.
OH, HOW CHRISTMASY.
ALL SPARKLY RED AND GREEN.
OH, LOOK.
ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER.
WATCH HIM FLY.
OH, LOOK, A LITTLE
CHRISTMAS BELL.
DING DONG!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
IT WAS A SNOWMAN.
NO. IT WAS BUTTER AND
SUGAR AND SPRINKLES
ALL WRAPPED UP IN EMPTY
SENTIMENT AND HOLIDAY HYPOCRISY.
[BELL RINGS]
All: WHOO! YAY!
HO. HO HO. HO HO HO HO HO HO HO.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK ♪
IT IS NOT ♪ CHRISTMAS BREAK ♪
UNTIL I SAY IT IS,
NOT UNTIL YOU'VE COMPLETED
THE FOLLOWING
REMEDIAL ASSIGNMENT.
YOU WILL WRITE A 15-PAGE
DISSERTATION ON WAVE PHYSICS
AND ITS RELATION TO
ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION.
OH, AND A 5-POINT
BONUS IF YOU CAN TELL ME
HOW THE HELL SANTA DELIVERS
ALL THOSE TOYS IN ONE NIGHT!
IT'S TO BE TYPEWRITTEN
AND ON MY DESK
NO LATER THAN 6:00.
TONIGHT?
BUT IT'S DECEMBER 23.
YEAH, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE EVE.
OH, IT IS?
WELL, TOUGH TINSEL.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A
HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
BYE-BYE NOW.
HEY, TOMMY.
I FINALLY FOUND
SOMETHING FOR AUGUST.
PERFUME. IS THIS WHAT SHE WANTS?
I DON'T KNOW,
SO I ALSO GOT A
PORTABLE CD PLAYER.
OH. SHE LIKES CDs?
I DON'T KNOW, SO I
GOT HER EARRINGS,
AND A CELLULAR
PHONE, AND A BELT.
HOW DID YOU AFFORD
ALL THIS STUFF?
YOU KNOW THAT JAR OF
PENNIES I HAVE IN MY ROOM?
YEAH.
IT'S WHERE I HIDE
DICK'S CREDIT CARD.
BARTENDER.
2 FINGERS, NO FAT.
I BELIEVED IN HIM.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
BRINGING JOY TO THE WORLD.
I WAS GONNA MOVE
TO THE NORTH POLE
TO WORK IN HIS TOY FACTORY.
WELL...
LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.
YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS
COMING IN HERE, FAT BOY.
DO I KNOW YOU?
OH, DON'T GET CUTE
WITH ME, KRINGLE,
IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
GET ONE OF YOUR REINDEER
TO KICK ME TO DEATH?
Man: HEY, TAKE IT EASY.
OH, MIND YOUR OWN...
WHOA.
WAIT A SECOND.
BUT, YOU...
HE...
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
AAH!
AAH!
♪ JINGLE BELL, JINGLE
BELL, JINGLE BELL ROCK ♪
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR
I LIKE WHITE MUSIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, NINA?
MMM.
TOO MUCH EGG.
NEEDS MORE NOG. YUP.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
MMM.
RUMBALL?
UH, SPARE ME.
YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME IF
YOU WANT YOUR STOCKING STUFFED.
[TURNS MUSIC OFF] HEY.
THERE WILL BE NO
HOLIDAY CHEER, NINA,
WHILE THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
WORK? ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
I'LL NEED ALL THE GRADES
FROM MY 10:00 CLASS
BROKEN DOWN AND RETABULATED
FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
YES.
Mary: DICK, WE NEED
SOMEBODY TALL
TO HANG THE BOUGHS OF HOLLY.
FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NO.
I GUESS I'D LIKE THE PLAID...
WE'RE OUT OF EVERYTHING BUT
GREEN FOIL AND HAPPY SNOWMEN.
WELL, IT'S FOR MY MOM, SO...
YOU GOT YOUR MOM A DUST MISER?
HOW NICE.
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON SUCKING.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET HER.
APPARENTLY NOT.
WAIT A SECOND. WHERE WAS THAT...
HERE YOU GO. A FOOT MASSAGER.
THE WOMAN NEEDS A
BREAK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
GOSH, THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY, THAT'S MY FOOT MASSAGER.
AW, POOR BABY.
WHO'S IT FOR?
MY WIFE.
WOW, REAL ROMANTIC.
HERE, WAIT A SECOND.
HERE, AH, SOME EXOTIC BATH OILS.
YOU CAN TURN YOUR
WIFE INTO A SLIP-AND-SLIDE.
THAT... THAT WAS
FOR MY BOYFRIEND,
UNLESS YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.
HERE, UH, INTERNATIONAL
BEER BASKET
FROM THE LIQUOR LOCKER.
OH. YEAH. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THIS IS FUN.
HEY, UH, DIAMOND
TENNIS BRACELET.
WHO WANTS ONE?
Crowd: I DO! I DO!
[LAUGHING]
LISTEN TO THEM LAUGHING,
OPENING THEIR LITTLE PRESENTS.
WHO NEEDS CHRISTMAS ANYWAY?
I SAY "BUG HUMBAR."
YOU MEAN "BAH HUMBUG."
BAH WHAT?
YOU SAID "BUG HUMBAR."
AND?
WELL, WHAT DOES
"BUG HUMBAR" MEAN?
WHAT DOES "BAH HUMBUG" MEAN?
FORGET IT.
HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YOU GOT ME A GIFT?
YEAH.
SO YOU WERE MY SECRET SANTA?
I WAS NOT YOUR SECRET SANTA.
I JUST HAPPEN TO LOVE CHRISTMAS.
NOW OPEN YOUR DAMN PRESENT.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A TRAVEL MUG.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
SO YOU DON'T SPILL COFFEE
IN YOUR LAP EVERY MORNING.
YOU NOTICED?
UH, YEAH.
I NEED THIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NINA...
FORGET THE WORK.
GO TO THE PARTY.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES. HAVE A GOOD TIME.
AND NINA...
M-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DR. SOLOMON.
WHERE ARE THOSE RUM DREIDELS
I MADE FOR DR. SCHWARTZ?
MARY, LOOK WHAT NINA GAVE ME.
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
YOU'RE RUINING MY CHRISTMAS.
NO, NO. THAT WAS THE OLD DICK.
I THINK I'VE ACTUALLY
GOT THE SPIRIT.
I WANT TO BE A PART
OF CHRISTMAS NOW.
WELL, PAH-DOM, PAH-DOM, BOMP.
DR. SOLOMON.
DR. SOLOMON.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
WE WORKED AS HARD AS WE COULD.
YOUR PAPERS?
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
DON'T TAKE POINTS OFF.
HO HO HO HO HO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE WORKED ON THOSE.
AND IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS,
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO READ THEM.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL Cs.
Cs! YES. Cs.
OH, WHAT THE HELL, IT'S
CHRISTMAS. "C" PLUSES.
YAY! ALL RIGHT.
GO, GO ALL OF YOU.
TRIM YOUR STOCKINGS
AND STUFF YOUR TREES.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE.
JUDITH.
JUDITH!
JUDITH, COME IN HERE!
JUDITH, I'M YOUR SECRET SANTA.
GET OUT.
HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SAME TO YOU.
MAY YOUR HOLIDAY BE FILLED
WITH LORDS A-LEAPING,
LADIES DANCING,
PIPERS PIPING,
DRUMMERS DRUMMING,
GEESE A-LAYING,
SWANS A-SWIMMING...
THAT WILL DO.
♪ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ♪
I KNOW I'VE HAD A
LOT OF RUMBALLS,
BUT THAT WAS REALLY SWEET.
TH-THIS IS WONDERFUL.
I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS
WAS ALL ABOUT STRESS
AND HOSTILITY AND
HANDCUFFS AND MIRANDA RIGHTS,
BUT NO, IT'S MORE.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE.
IT'S ABOUT GIVING AND
SHARING AND JUST...
BEING HUMAN.
COME ON, THE
PARTY'S STILL GOING ON,
AND I'VE SAVED A
SPECIAL DANCE FOR YOU.
OH.
THAT WEED GREW BACK AGAIN.
IT'S MISTLETOE.
MISTLETOE?
YEAH.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
BUT WHAT'S THE MISTLETOE FOR?
DICK.
OH.
HMM.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE REAL SANTA'S
GONNA SLIDE DOWN THIS THING,
BUT HE WILL.
AH, WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO MARK
OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY ON EARTH,
OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY AS HUMANS.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL
EVER REALLY KNOW
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO
KNOW ABOUT BEING HUMAN?
♪ SILENT NIGHT, OH ♪
♪ HOLY NIGHT, OH ♪
♪ ALL IS CALM, WHOO ♪
♪ ALL IS BRIGHT, OH ♪
♪ ROUND YOUNG VIR-GIN ♪
♪ MOTHER AND CHILD, OH ♪
♪ HOLY IN-FANT ♪
♪ TENDER AND MILD, AH ♪
♪ SLEEP IN HEAV-EN ♪
♪ LY PEACE, YO ♪
♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪
YI YI YI YI.
♪ SILENT NIGHT, HO ♪
♪ HOLY NIGHT... ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TOMMY.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
THIS?
I MADE IT MYSELF.
IT'S THE 2 OF US, SEE.
WHAT I GOT FOR YOU
IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
I MEAN, IT IS A JOKE
HOW MUCH BETTER
MY STUFF IS THAN THIS.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
WHICH I LOVE.
I LOVE THIS.