3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 10 - Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick - full transcript
The Solomons are afraid the end of the world has come because there are lots of traffic jams and people are hoarding food in the supermarket. It turns out it's all because of Thanksgiving. The Solomons haven't got a clue what Thanksgiving is but try to cover this up by giving a Thanksgiving dinner, helped by Mary, Mrs. Dubcek and her daughter Vicki, who has an eye for Harry. Tommy and Dick have a disagreement and Tommy runs away.
TV Announcer: THE
BIG DAY IS TOMORROW,
AND THESE TURKEYS SEEM TO
KNOW WHAT'S COMING THEIR WAY.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE,
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
DICK, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
COME QUICK!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THERE'S A TERRIBLE CRISIS.
WE WERE AT THE STORE, AND
THE PLACE WAS A MADHOUSE.
PEOPLE WERE CRAMMING EVERYTHING
THEY COULD INTO THEIR CARTS,
ESPECIALLY THESE
GIANT BALLS OF BUTTER.
I GOT ONE FOR EACH OF US.
I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING IS UP.
THE RADIO SAID THE AIRPORTS
WERE JAMMED WITH PEOPLE
TRYING TO GET OUT OF TOWN.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST
SAW A REPORT ON A TURKEY RANCH,
AND THOSE BIRDS WERE
TALKING APOCALYPSE.
APOCALYPSE?
WELL, MORE LIKE
APOC-GOBBLE-LYPSE.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
WELL, I HAVE A THOUGHT.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
LET'S NOT PANIC.
TONIGHT, WE'LL TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
AND HUNKER DOWN IN THE KITCHEN.
TOMORROW MORNING, I'LL MAKE A RUN TO THE
UNIVERSITY AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.
POLICE AND SECURE THE PERIMETER.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
LOCK THE DOORS!
RIGHT! OH, YEAH!
OW!
Dick: HELLO?
HELLO?
MARY!
MARY!
UHH! MARY, WHAT HAVE
THEY DONE TO YOUR HAIR?
SPEAK TO ME! MARY... AAH!
AAH!
DR. SOLOMON, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M TRYING TO FIND MARY.
BUT SHE'S PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD.
ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT
HOME EATING A BIG MEAL,
CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAY?
HOLIDAY?
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOLIDAY?
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
OH! SO IT'S NOT THE APOCALYPSE.
WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
THANKSGIVING.
YOU SHOULD BE HOME
WITH YOUR LOVED ONES
AROUND A DINNER TABLE GIVING
THANKS FOR WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
WELL, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YEAH, WELL, I TOOK
ST. PATRICK'S DAY OFF...
FOR 6 MONTHS.
SO... SO MARY ISN'T DEAD?
PROBABLY NOT.
SHE'S GIVING THANKS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH. WITH HER LOVED ONE.
BUT... BUT...
BUT THAT'S ME!
GO ON HOME, HAVE
A BEER, TAKE A NAP.
YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING.
WELL, OF COURSE I WILL,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM,
A HUMAN BEING.
OVERLOOKING THE
HOLIDAYS IS SIMPLY...
HUMAN ERROR.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
[CAR HORN HONKS]
OH, DICK, WE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE!
IT'S GOTTEN WORSE.
THEY'VE STOPPED
DELIVERING THE MAIL.
OF COURSE THEY HAVE.
SOMEONE'S TAKEN
OVER THE AIRWAVES.
THERE'S A TERRIFYING
PARADE ON EVERY CHANNEL.
OF COURSE THERE IS.
I GOT THE GNOME!
I GOT THE GNOME!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
SLOW DOWN THERE, SPEEDBOAT.
IT'S JUST THANKSGIVING.
THANKS-WHAT-ING?
THANKS-WHAT-ING?
THANKSGIVING. IT'S A HOLIDAY.
LIKE BIG GIANT HEAD DAY?
SIMILAR, EXCEPT NOBODY
GETS THROWN INTO THE SUN.
IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
EVERYBODY GETS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF.
OHH! GREAT!
WHAT? EXCEPT FOR SALLY.
SHE HAS TO GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE AN ENORMOUS FEAST.
GREAT. OUR FIRST HOLIDAY
ON EARTH AND I GOTTA COOK.
AND THEN, AFTER WE EAT,
WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS.
TO ME? FOR COOKING? AHH...
OH, SALLY, HA HA HA HA...
NO.
WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS
FOR SOMETHING BIGGER.
SOMETHING MORE
IMPORTANT. SOMETHING LIKE...
UH, WELL, NOT THIS, BUT SOMETHING
LIKE HOW GOOD-LOOKING I AM.
MAYBE IF WE JUST RUN
IT THROUGH, IT'LL HIT US.
WHY SHOULD WE "RUN
THROUGH" ANYTHING?
BECAUSE I CALLED
MARY. SHE'S COMING OVER.
WHAT IF WE GET IT
WRONG? IT'LL GIVE US AWAY.
LOOK, MEN, WHEN WE FIRST
LANDED ON THIS PLANET,
WE DIDN'T KNOW SQUAT.
WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE WORD "SQUAT" MEANT,
AND WE HAD TO FIND
OUT THE HARD WAY.
AND IT HURT.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND A
HUMAN EXAMPLE AND FOLLOW IT.
HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
CLOSE ENOUGH. MRS. DUBCEK.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MY DAUGHTER VICKI.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW MRS.
DUBCEK HAD A... RRRRrrrr!
I MEAN, HELLLLLLO.
HI. YOU HAVE GREAT HAIR.
SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU LADIES
DOING FOR THANKSGIVING?
WE'RE GOING OFF TO
THE BEEF AND GRIDDLE.
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE COMING OVER TO OUR
HOUSE TO HELP US... UH, CELEBRATE.
YEAH, 'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING... EH, CELEBRATE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, VICK?
I SAY, WHAT THE HELL.
THEN WHAT THE HELL IT IS.
TURKEY... NO TURKEY.
TURKEY... NO TURKEY.
TURKEY...
NO TURKEY.
HA HA HA HA.
OH, HARRY, YOU GOT A REAL
CHILD-LIKE INNOCENCE ABOUT YOU.
IT'S VERY SEXY.
TURKEY.
WOW! THIS IS THE UGLIEST
LINGERIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
BUT BUCKLES.
HMMMM. HMMMM.
OH, THAT? NO, THAT'S
JUST A COSTUME I WORE
IN A THANKSGIVING
PLAY I DID IN JUNIOR HIGH.
I WAS A PILGRIM.
AND EVERY TIME I WORE IT,
I PUT EVERYBODY IN
THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
TOMMY...
WHAT?
YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.
FORGET IT, DICK. I'M NOT
PUTTING THAT THING ON.
ONCE AGAIN YOU LET US DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE PREPPED
US FOR THIS HOLIDAY WEEKS AGO,
AND NOW YOU WON'T
WEAR THE COSTUME.
IS THERE ANY END
TO YOUR TREACHERY?
LOOK, DICK, IT'S A HOLIDAY.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE DAY OFF MY BACK?
OH, I WILL.
I WILL NOT ALLOW MY DISAPPOINTMENT
IN YOU TO DESTROY THIS FESTIVAL,
EVEN THOUGH THE COSTUME WOULD
PUT US ALL IN THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
YEAH, WELL, IT'LL PUT
ME IN THE CRAPPY MOOD.
WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS
IN THE CRAPPY MOOD.
NO! NOW, COME ON, PUT IT ON!
PUT IT ON! NO!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
OH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MARY.
PUT IT ON!
NO! EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE,
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
RIGHT FOR YOU!
WHY IS THAT?
DO USE THAT TONE OF
VOICE WITH ME, OLD MAN.
I'M GOING FOR A WALK.
OH, FINE! AND DON'T COME
BACK UNTIL YOU'RE DAMN READY
TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR
FAMILY AND HAVE FUN!
UH...
DUBCEK, SO WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS THING?
YOU STICK YOUR HAND RIGHT
UP THERE AND YANK OUT ITS GUTS.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT'S ALREADY DEAD.
THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
SALLY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT NEED A
LITTLE HELP COOKING.
WHY? DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S EVER
COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
YEAH, YOU DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE?
NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
BECAUSE THANKSGIVING
IS NOT NEW TO US.
AND WE'RE CERTAINLY
NOT NEW TO THANKSGIVING.
SO, WHEN'S DINNER? 3:00?
TODAY?
3:00! ON THE DOT.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT!
UH, UH, DUBCEK, TAKE
OUT THE RELISH TRAY,
AND, MARY, HOLD THIS.
OHH!
OK, NOW, DOES THE FORK GO
ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT?
WELL...
THIS GOES HERE...
AND THIS GOES...
HERE.
ARE THOSE THE RULES?
OH, FORGET ABOUT
THE RULES, HARRY.
JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT.
CAN I PUT MY SHIRTS IN
MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER?
GO WILD.
OK.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUB
IT WITH A LITTLE MARGARINE
BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN.
YOU HEARD THE
WOMAN. RUB THAT BIRD.
NAW, I DON'T THINK SO. ALL
IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE SALT.
NO MARGARINE. HEAVY ON THE SALT.
IF YOU WANT THE SKIN TO CRISP...
WANT... SKIN... CRISP... NOW!
WANT... YOU... DEAD... NOW!
DICK, MY GRANDMOTHER
HAD A SAYING...
"GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN BEFORE
I BURN YOU WITH A HOT SPOON."
HA HA HA HA.
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
HAD A RAPIER WIT.
HA HA HA HA.
DICK, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!
AND SHE WAS MEAN, TOO.
ARE YOU OPEN?
OF COURSE WE'RE
OPEN. IT'S THANKSGIVING.
UH, EXCUSE ME. THIS GAME'S
NOT 3-DIMENSIONAL, IS IT?
UH, YEAH.
UH, YOU WANT TO
PLAY SOME 8-BALL?
WHAT'S 8-BALL?
DON'T WORRY. WE'RE
NOT VERY GOOD EITHER.
HARRY, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BEAUTIFUL
TURKEY SALLY HAS IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, THERE'S A TURKEY HERE?
IT'S ENORMOUS.
I WANT TO SEE IT.
AAH!
YOU MURDERED IT!
AAH!
ALTHOUGH WE'RE VERY
FAMILIAR WITH THIS TRADITION,
IT NEVER CEASES TO APPALL US.
AAH!
WELL, I DID IT.
HERE IT IS, FOLKS,
THE PERFECT TURKEY.
OHH! OHH! OHH!
SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR TOMMY?
WE'RE STARTING WITHOUT HIM.
OH, B-B-B-BUT I POURED SOME
GRAPE JUICE IN A WINE GLASS,
AND WHO'S GOING TO
SIT AT THE KID'S TABLE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
FINE, OK. THANKSGIVING'S
RUINED. HACK AWAY.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I COULDN'T MAKE THE FIRST HACK.
MARY, YOU HACK.
UH...
UH...
BEFORE WE HACK THE TURKEY,
SHOULDN'T SOMEONE GIVE THANKS?
UH, HERE WE ALL ARE,
UH, GATHERED TOGETHER
FOR A COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC
THANKSGIVING DINNER,
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY
I'M THANKFUL THAT WE'RE ALL HERE
TO FEAST ON THIS DEAD BIRD.
WE'RE NOT ALL HERE.
TOMMY'S NOT HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BRINGING THAT UP!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
DON'T WORRY. TOMMY WILL BE BACK.
THANK YOU!
UH, EXCUSE ME, COULD...
I'D LIKE TO ADD A LITTLE
SOMETHING, IF I MAY?
UH, I JUST FEEL THAT THIS YEAR
I HAVE SO MUCH TO
BE THANKFUL FOR.
THAT THING UNDER
MY ARMPIT WENT AWAY.
THEN WHEN I WAS
WORKING AT WAL-MART
AND THAT BIG STACK
OF BOXES FELL ON ME,
I GOT WORKMAN'S
COMP FOR 8 MONTHS.
THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH
AS MY NORMAL SALARY.
SO, I GUESS YOU'D
HAVE TO SAY THAT...
GOD HAS BEEN...
VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.
[SOBBING]
LET'S EAT!
YOU KNOW, I LEFT BECAUSE
THEY DON'T APPRECIATE ME.
AND I DO A LOT FOR THOSE
GUYS... 6 BALL, CORNER POCKET.
I MEAN, THEY JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A KID.
I MEAN, I DO A LOT AT HOME,
BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE
OUTSIDE WORK, TOO, YOU KNOW...
7 BALL, SIDE POCKET.
I MEAN, OCCASIONALLY,
I SCREW UP.
I'M ONLY TRYING TO BE
HUMAN. BUT WHATEVER I DO,
IT'S NEVER ENOUGH
FOR THOSE PEOPLE...
8 BALL, 3 BANKS, BACK POCKET...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT'S GAME.
TOMMY, THEY'RE HARD ON
YOU BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU.
YEAH. AT LEAST YOU GOT SOMEBODY.
MY FATHER USED TO TAKE ME
OUT TO THE SHED EVERY FRIDAY,
WHETHER I DESERVED IT OR NOT.
WHY? BECAUSE HE CARED.
HE JUST WANTED TO MAKE
ME STRONG, THAT'S ALL.
I SHOULD GO HOME AND THANK HIM.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU?
I CAN'T AFFORD TO.
YOU'VE GOT ALL MY MONEY.
HERE, TAKE IT. GO HOME.
OH, TOMMY, MAN, YOU'RE THE BEST!
[SOBBING] [SOBBING]
I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU!
HEY, FRANK...
HOLD ON.
HI, DAD,
IT'S FRANCES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S TRADITION.
I LIKE IT.
OHHHH... OHHHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH US, HARRY?
I'M GETTING DROWSY,
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA EXPLODE.
I'M... GONNA...
EX-PLO-ODE!
AHHHHHHH!
STAY WITH ME,
HARRY. I'LL SAVE YOU.
NO, SAVE YOURSELF!
HARRY...
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
HARRY?
AHHHHH!
IT'S DICK! COME BACK TO ME!
COME BACK TO ME, HARRY!
DICK?
HARRY, TALK TO ME!
WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?
WOW, YOUR MOTHER'S REFRIGERATOR
IS FAR MORE SPACIOUS THAN OURS.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH
TO EAT, PUNKIN?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AND WHAT DO YOU
THINK I'M TALKING ABOUT?
YAMS?
OH, I GOT YAMS FOR YOU.
DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE
MINI MARSHMALLOW ON THAT?
YAHTZEE!
NO, DICK, THAT WASN'T A YAHTZEE.
THAT WAS 2 OF A KIND.
YAHTZEE!
NO, THAT'S NOT A YAHTZEE.
YAHTZEE! 5 IN A ROW.
THEY LOST THE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOMMY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
WELL, TOMMY'S NOT HERE. YAHTZEE!
IT'S TOO BAD. HE WOULD HAVE
REALLY LIKED MY STUFFING.
WELL, HE SHOULD HAVE PUT
ON THE PILGRIM COSTUME.
WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT ON
THE PILGRIM COSTUME?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
WANTED TO SHOW OFF
AND HAVE A BIG,
STUPID THANKSGIVING.
THAT'S NOT WHY I HAD A
BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING.
I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU.
OH, ADMIT IT, DICK,
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
OH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
OH, YEAH, IF YOU CALL SPENDING
THE WHOLE DAY IN THE KITCHEN
WITH THESE 2
JABBERMOUTHS A GOOD TIME.
HEY! ONE OF THOSE
JABBERMOUTHS IS HIS GIRLFRIEND!
YEAH!
I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF YOU!
THIS HOLIDAY IS OVER!
OH, I SEE! WELL, NOW I HAVE
SOMETHING TO GIVE THANKS FOR.
THANKS FOR NOTHING!
THIS IS WHY I GO TO
THE BEEF AND GRIDDLE.
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.
I'VE NEVER FELT
THIS STICKY BEFORE.
HARRY, I GOT TO GO HOME
TO ORLANDO TOMORROW,
BUT I'LL BE BACK.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOU, HARRY.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE NOT
LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.
AH!
NO, MA'AM.
DO YOU, UH, DO YOU THINK
WE COULD MAKE IT WORK?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PRETTY TIRED.
I MEANT US, HARRY.
AH! I DEFINITELY THINK
THAT US COULD WORK.
ME, TOO.
YOUR FAMILY'S A LITTLE
STRANGE, THOUGH.
HA! YOUR MOTHER'S MRS. DUBCEK.
DICK?
OH, MARY, I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
OH, THE TENSION, THE FIGHTING,
THE LUMPY GRAVY.
YEAH.
YOU GIVE AND YOU
GIVE AND YOU GIVE
UNTIL YOU JUST
CAN'T GIVE ANYMORE.
MMM. SAME THING
HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE.
THIS HAPPENS AT YOUR HOUSE?
WHY SHOULD MY
HOUSE BE ANY DIFFERENT
THAN 99% OF ALL THE
HOMES IN AMERICA?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 1%?
[SIGHS]
CONNECTICUT.
HEY, GUYS.
TOMMY, YOU'RE BACK.
OH, I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
SORRY I LEFT LIKE THAT.
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK IT WAS YOUR FAULT.
YET, I FOUND OUT
SOMETHING PRETTY COOL.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU TRY
TO MAKE THIS A SPECIAL DAY
BUT ONLY THE RESENTMENT I
HAVE FOR YOU CAME SPEWING OUT
AND WE ENDED UP SPENDING THE
WHOLE DAY AVOIDING EACH OTHER?
IT'S NORMAL. YEAH?
I WAS GOING TO TELL
YOU THE SAME THING.
THE SCREAMING, THE FIGHTING,
THE EXPLODING RESENTMENTS...
THAT'S WHAT THANKSGIVING IS.
SO WE DID GET IT RIGHT.
NAILED IT!
OH, YEAH!
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [SIGHS]
TOMMY!
OH, I'VE NEVER FELT SO CONTENT.
I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM AND I
SEE NOTHING BUT FAMILIAR FACES.
WELL, SOME ARE MORE
FAMILIAR THAN OTHERS.
I BARELY KNOW YOU.
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE TONIGHT
YOU'RE ALL FAMILY,
AND THIS HAS BEEN THE
PERFECT THANKSGIVING.
Mrs. Dubcek: AND NOW
FOR THE PERFECT DESSERT.
SURPRISE!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
WELL, I...
I GUESS NOT
EVERYONE LIKES JELL-O.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
LISTEN, DICK, WE BETTER NOT LET
ANOTHER ONE OF THESE BIG HOLIDAYS
SNEAK UP ON US.
OH, DON'T WORRY, LIEUTENANT.
AFTER THIS ONE, THERE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY BE ANOTHER ONE FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW, AFTER COOKING
THAT HUGE DINNER TONIGHT,
I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?
I THINK TOMORROW
I'M GOING TO SPEND A NICE
PEACEFUL DAY AT THE MALL.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OH, REALLY? GOODY! I
HEAR THERE'S A SALE.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
BIG DAY IS TOMORROW,
AND THESE TURKEYS SEEM TO
KNOW WHAT'S COMING THEIR WAY.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE,
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
DICK, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
COME QUICK!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THERE'S A TERRIBLE CRISIS.
WE WERE AT THE STORE, AND
THE PLACE WAS A MADHOUSE.
PEOPLE WERE CRAMMING EVERYTHING
THEY COULD INTO THEIR CARTS,
ESPECIALLY THESE
GIANT BALLS OF BUTTER.
I GOT ONE FOR EACH OF US.
I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING IS UP.
THE RADIO SAID THE AIRPORTS
WERE JAMMED WITH PEOPLE
TRYING TO GET OUT OF TOWN.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST
SAW A REPORT ON A TURKEY RANCH,
AND THOSE BIRDS WERE
TALKING APOCALYPSE.
APOCALYPSE?
WELL, MORE LIKE
APOC-GOBBLE-LYPSE.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
WELL, I HAVE A THOUGHT.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
LET'S NOT PANIC.
TONIGHT, WE'LL TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
AND HUNKER DOWN IN THE KITCHEN.
TOMORROW MORNING, I'LL MAKE A RUN TO THE
UNIVERSITY AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.
POLICE AND SECURE THE PERIMETER.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
LOCK THE DOORS!
RIGHT! OH, YEAH!
OW!
Dick: HELLO?
HELLO?
MARY!
MARY!
UHH! MARY, WHAT HAVE
THEY DONE TO YOUR HAIR?
SPEAK TO ME! MARY... AAH!
AAH!
DR. SOLOMON, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M TRYING TO FIND MARY.
BUT SHE'S PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD.
ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT
HOME EATING A BIG MEAL,
CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAY?
HOLIDAY?
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOLIDAY?
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
OH! SO IT'S NOT THE APOCALYPSE.
WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
THANKSGIVING.
YOU SHOULD BE HOME
WITH YOUR LOVED ONES
AROUND A DINNER TABLE GIVING
THANKS FOR WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
WELL, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YEAH, WELL, I TOOK
ST. PATRICK'S DAY OFF...
FOR 6 MONTHS.
SO... SO MARY ISN'T DEAD?
PROBABLY NOT.
SHE'S GIVING THANKS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH. WITH HER LOVED ONE.
BUT... BUT...
BUT THAT'S ME!
GO ON HOME, HAVE
A BEER, TAKE A NAP.
YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING.
WELL, OF COURSE I WILL,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM,
A HUMAN BEING.
OVERLOOKING THE
HOLIDAYS IS SIMPLY...
HUMAN ERROR.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
[CAR HORN HONKS]
OH, DICK, WE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE!
IT'S GOTTEN WORSE.
THEY'VE STOPPED
DELIVERING THE MAIL.
OF COURSE THEY HAVE.
SOMEONE'S TAKEN
OVER THE AIRWAVES.
THERE'S A TERRIFYING
PARADE ON EVERY CHANNEL.
OF COURSE THERE IS.
I GOT THE GNOME!
I GOT THE GNOME!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
SLOW DOWN THERE, SPEEDBOAT.
IT'S JUST THANKSGIVING.
THANKS-WHAT-ING?
THANKS-WHAT-ING?
THANKSGIVING. IT'S A HOLIDAY.
LIKE BIG GIANT HEAD DAY?
SIMILAR, EXCEPT NOBODY
GETS THROWN INTO THE SUN.
IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
EVERYBODY GETS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF.
OHH! GREAT!
WHAT? EXCEPT FOR SALLY.
SHE HAS TO GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE AN ENORMOUS FEAST.
GREAT. OUR FIRST HOLIDAY
ON EARTH AND I GOTTA COOK.
AND THEN, AFTER WE EAT,
WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS.
TO ME? FOR COOKING? AHH...
OH, SALLY, HA HA HA HA...
NO.
WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS
FOR SOMETHING BIGGER.
SOMETHING MORE
IMPORTANT. SOMETHING LIKE...
UH, WELL, NOT THIS, BUT SOMETHING
LIKE HOW GOOD-LOOKING I AM.
MAYBE IF WE JUST RUN
IT THROUGH, IT'LL HIT US.
WHY SHOULD WE "RUN
THROUGH" ANYTHING?
BECAUSE I CALLED
MARY. SHE'S COMING OVER.
WHAT IF WE GET IT
WRONG? IT'LL GIVE US AWAY.
LOOK, MEN, WHEN WE FIRST
LANDED ON THIS PLANET,
WE DIDN'T KNOW SQUAT.
WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE WORD "SQUAT" MEANT,
AND WE HAD TO FIND
OUT THE HARD WAY.
AND IT HURT.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND A
HUMAN EXAMPLE AND FOLLOW IT.
HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
CLOSE ENOUGH. MRS. DUBCEK.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MY DAUGHTER VICKI.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW MRS.
DUBCEK HAD A... RRRRrrrr!
I MEAN, HELLLLLLO.
HI. YOU HAVE GREAT HAIR.
SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU LADIES
DOING FOR THANKSGIVING?
WE'RE GOING OFF TO
THE BEEF AND GRIDDLE.
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE COMING OVER TO OUR
HOUSE TO HELP US... UH, CELEBRATE.
YEAH, 'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING... EH, CELEBRATE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, VICK?
I SAY, WHAT THE HELL.
THEN WHAT THE HELL IT IS.
TURKEY... NO TURKEY.
TURKEY... NO TURKEY.
TURKEY...
NO TURKEY.
HA HA HA HA.
OH, HARRY, YOU GOT A REAL
CHILD-LIKE INNOCENCE ABOUT YOU.
IT'S VERY SEXY.
TURKEY.
WOW! THIS IS THE UGLIEST
LINGERIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
BUT BUCKLES.
HMMMM. HMMMM.
OH, THAT? NO, THAT'S
JUST A COSTUME I WORE
IN A THANKSGIVING
PLAY I DID IN JUNIOR HIGH.
I WAS A PILGRIM.
AND EVERY TIME I WORE IT,
I PUT EVERYBODY IN
THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
TOMMY...
WHAT?
YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.
FORGET IT, DICK. I'M NOT
PUTTING THAT THING ON.
ONCE AGAIN YOU LET US DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE PREPPED
US FOR THIS HOLIDAY WEEKS AGO,
AND NOW YOU WON'T
WEAR THE COSTUME.
IS THERE ANY END
TO YOUR TREACHERY?
LOOK, DICK, IT'S A HOLIDAY.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE DAY OFF MY BACK?
OH, I WILL.
I WILL NOT ALLOW MY DISAPPOINTMENT
IN YOU TO DESTROY THIS FESTIVAL,
EVEN THOUGH THE COSTUME WOULD
PUT US ALL IN THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
YEAH, WELL, IT'LL PUT
ME IN THE CRAPPY MOOD.
WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS
IN THE CRAPPY MOOD.
NO! NOW, COME ON, PUT IT ON!
PUT IT ON! NO!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
OH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MARY.
PUT IT ON!
NO! EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE,
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
RIGHT FOR YOU!
WHY IS THAT?
DO USE THAT TONE OF
VOICE WITH ME, OLD MAN.
I'M GOING FOR A WALK.
OH, FINE! AND DON'T COME
BACK UNTIL YOU'RE DAMN READY
TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR
FAMILY AND HAVE FUN!
UH...
DUBCEK, SO WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS THING?
YOU STICK YOUR HAND RIGHT
UP THERE AND YANK OUT ITS GUTS.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT'S ALREADY DEAD.
THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
SALLY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT NEED A
LITTLE HELP COOKING.
WHY? DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S EVER
COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
YEAH, YOU DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE?
NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
BECAUSE THANKSGIVING
IS NOT NEW TO US.
AND WE'RE CERTAINLY
NOT NEW TO THANKSGIVING.
SO, WHEN'S DINNER? 3:00?
TODAY?
3:00! ON THE DOT.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT!
UH, UH, DUBCEK, TAKE
OUT THE RELISH TRAY,
AND, MARY, HOLD THIS.
OHH!
OK, NOW, DOES THE FORK GO
ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT?
WELL...
THIS GOES HERE...
AND THIS GOES...
HERE.
ARE THOSE THE RULES?
OH, FORGET ABOUT
THE RULES, HARRY.
JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT.
CAN I PUT MY SHIRTS IN
MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER?
GO WILD.
OK.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUB
IT WITH A LITTLE MARGARINE
BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN.
YOU HEARD THE
WOMAN. RUB THAT BIRD.
NAW, I DON'T THINK SO. ALL
IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE SALT.
NO MARGARINE. HEAVY ON THE SALT.
IF YOU WANT THE SKIN TO CRISP...
WANT... SKIN... CRISP... NOW!
WANT... YOU... DEAD... NOW!
DICK, MY GRANDMOTHER
HAD A SAYING...
"GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN BEFORE
I BURN YOU WITH A HOT SPOON."
HA HA HA HA.
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
HAD A RAPIER WIT.
HA HA HA HA.
DICK, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!
AND SHE WAS MEAN, TOO.
ARE YOU OPEN?
OF COURSE WE'RE
OPEN. IT'S THANKSGIVING.
UH, EXCUSE ME. THIS GAME'S
NOT 3-DIMENSIONAL, IS IT?
UH, YEAH.
UH, YOU WANT TO
PLAY SOME 8-BALL?
WHAT'S 8-BALL?
DON'T WORRY. WE'RE
NOT VERY GOOD EITHER.
HARRY, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BEAUTIFUL
TURKEY SALLY HAS IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, THERE'S A TURKEY HERE?
IT'S ENORMOUS.
I WANT TO SEE IT.
AAH!
YOU MURDERED IT!
AAH!
ALTHOUGH WE'RE VERY
FAMILIAR WITH THIS TRADITION,
IT NEVER CEASES TO APPALL US.
AAH!
WELL, I DID IT.
HERE IT IS, FOLKS,
THE PERFECT TURKEY.
OHH! OHH! OHH!
SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR TOMMY?
WE'RE STARTING WITHOUT HIM.
OH, B-B-B-BUT I POURED SOME
GRAPE JUICE IN A WINE GLASS,
AND WHO'S GOING TO
SIT AT THE KID'S TABLE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
FINE, OK. THANKSGIVING'S
RUINED. HACK AWAY.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I COULDN'T MAKE THE FIRST HACK.
MARY, YOU HACK.
UH...
UH...
BEFORE WE HACK THE TURKEY,
SHOULDN'T SOMEONE GIVE THANKS?
UH, HERE WE ALL ARE,
UH, GATHERED TOGETHER
FOR A COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC
THANKSGIVING DINNER,
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY
I'M THANKFUL THAT WE'RE ALL HERE
TO FEAST ON THIS DEAD BIRD.
WE'RE NOT ALL HERE.
TOMMY'S NOT HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BRINGING THAT UP!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
DON'T WORRY. TOMMY WILL BE BACK.
THANK YOU!
UH, EXCUSE ME, COULD...
I'D LIKE TO ADD A LITTLE
SOMETHING, IF I MAY?
UH, I JUST FEEL THAT THIS YEAR
I HAVE SO MUCH TO
BE THANKFUL FOR.
THAT THING UNDER
MY ARMPIT WENT AWAY.
THEN WHEN I WAS
WORKING AT WAL-MART
AND THAT BIG STACK
OF BOXES FELL ON ME,
I GOT WORKMAN'S
COMP FOR 8 MONTHS.
THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH
AS MY NORMAL SALARY.
SO, I GUESS YOU'D
HAVE TO SAY THAT...
GOD HAS BEEN...
VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.
[SOBBING]
LET'S EAT!
YOU KNOW, I LEFT BECAUSE
THEY DON'T APPRECIATE ME.
AND I DO A LOT FOR THOSE
GUYS... 6 BALL, CORNER POCKET.
I MEAN, THEY JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A KID.
I MEAN, I DO A LOT AT HOME,
BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE
OUTSIDE WORK, TOO, YOU KNOW...
7 BALL, SIDE POCKET.
I MEAN, OCCASIONALLY,
I SCREW UP.
I'M ONLY TRYING TO BE
HUMAN. BUT WHATEVER I DO,
IT'S NEVER ENOUGH
FOR THOSE PEOPLE...
8 BALL, 3 BANKS, BACK POCKET...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT'S GAME.
TOMMY, THEY'RE HARD ON
YOU BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU.
YEAH. AT LEAST YOU GOT SOMEBODY.
MY FATHER USED TO TAKE ME
OUT TO THE SHED EVERY FRIDAY,
WHETHER I DESERVED IT OR NOT.
WHY? BECAUSE HE CARED.
HE JUST WANTED TO MAKE
ME STRONG, THAT'S ALL.
I SHOULD GO HOME AND THANK HIM.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU?
I CAN'T AFFORD TO.
YOU'VE GOT ALL MY MONEY.
HERE, TAKE IT. GO HOME.
OH, TOMMY, MAN, YOU'RE THE BEST!
[SOBBING] [SOBBING]
I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU!
HEY, FRANK...
HOLD ON.
HI, DAD,
IT'S FRANCES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S TRADITION.
I LIKE IT.
OHHHH... OHHHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH US, HARRY?
I'M GETTING DROWSY,
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA EXPLODE.
I'M... GONNA...
EX-PLO-ODE!
AHHHHHHH!
STAY WITH ME,
HARRY. I'LL SAVE YOU.
NO, SAVE YOURSELF!
HARRY...
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
HARRY?
AHHHHH!
IT'S DICK! COME BACK TO ME!
COME BACK TO ME, HARRY!
DICK?
HARRY, TALK TO ME!
WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?
WOW, YOUR MOTHER'S REFRIGERATOR
IS FAR MORE SPACIOUS THAN OURS.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH
TO EAT, PUNKIN?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AND WHAT DO YOU
THINK I'M TALKING ABOUT?
YAMS?
OH, I GOT YAMS FOR YOU.
DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE
MINI MARSHMALLOW ON THAT?
YAHTZEE!
NO, DICK, THAT WASN'T A YAHTZEE.
THAT WAS 2 OF A KIND.
YAHTZEE!
NO, THAT'S NOT A YAHTZEE.
YAHTZEE! 5 IN A ROW.
THEY LOST THE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOMMY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
WELL, TOMMY'S NOT HERE. YAHTZEE!
IT'S TOO BAD. HE WOULD HAVE
REALLY LIKED MY STUFFING.
WELL, HE SHOULD HAVE PUT
ON THE PILGRIM COSTUME.
WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT ON
THE PILGRIM COSTUME?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
WANTED TO SHOW OFF
AND HAVE A BIG,
STUPID THANKSGIVING.
THAT'S NOT WHY I HAD A
BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING.
I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU.
OH, ADMIT IT, DICK,
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
OH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
OH, YEAH, IF YOU CALL SPENDING
THE WHOLE DAY IN THE KITCHEN
WITH THESE 2
JABBERMOUTHS A GOOD TIME.
HEY! ONE OF THOSE
JABBERMOUTHS IS HIS GIRLFRIEND!
YEAH!
I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF YOU!
THIS HOLIDAY IS OVER!
OH, I SEE! WELL, NOW I HAVE
SOMETHING TO GIVE THANKS FOR.
THANKS FOR NOTHING!
THIS IS WHY I GO TO
THE BEEF AND GRIDDLE.
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.
I'VE NEVER FELT
THIS STICKY BEFORE.
HARRY, I GOT TO GO HOME
TO ORLANDO TOMORROW,
BUT I'LL BE BACK.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOU, HARRY.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE NOT
LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.
AH!
NO, MA'AM.
DO YOU, UH, DO YOU THINK
WE COULD MAKE IT WORK?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PRETTY TIRED.
I MEANT US, HARRY.
AH! I DEFINITELY THINK
THAT US COULD WORK.
ME, TOO.
YOUR FAMILY'S A LITTLE
STRANGE, THOUGH.
HA! YOUR MOTHER'S MRS. DUBCEK.
DICK?
OH, MARY, I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
OH, THE TENSION, THE FIGHTING,
THE LUMPY GRAVY.
YEAH.
YOU GIVE AND YOU
GIVE AND YOU GIVE
UNTIL YOU JUST
CAN'T GIVE ANYMORE.
MMM. SAME THING
HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE.
THIS HAPPENS AT YOUR HOUSE?
WHY SHOULD MY
HOUSE BE ANY DIFFERENT
THAN 99% OF ALL THE
HOMES IN AMERICA?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 1%?
[SIGHS]
CONNECTICUT.
HEY, GUYS.
TOMMY, YOU'RE BACK.
OH, I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
SORRY I LEFT LIKE THAT.
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK IT WAS YOUR FAULT.
YET, I FOUND OUT
SOMETHING PRETTY COOL.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU TRY
TO MAKE THIS A SPECIAL DAY
BUT ONLY THE RESENTMENT I
HAVE FOR YOU CAME SPEWING OUT
AND WE ENDED UP SPENDING THE
WHOLE DAY AVOIDING EACH OTHER?
IT'S NORMAL. YEAH?
I WAS GOING TO TELL
YOU THE SAME THING.
THE SCREAMING, THE FIGHTING,
THE EXPLODING RESENTMENTS...
THAT'S WHAT THANKSGIVING IS.
SO WE DID GET IT RIGHT.
NAILED IT!
OH, YEAH!
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [SIGHS]
TOMMY!
OH, I'VE NEVER FELT SO CONTENT.
I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM AND I
SEE NOTHING BUT FAMILIAR FACES.
WELL, SOME ARE MORE
FAMILIAR THAN OTHERS.
I BARELY KNOW YOU.
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE TONIGHT
YOU'RE ALL FAMILY,
AND THIS HAS BEEN THE
PERFECT THANKSGIVING.
Mrs. Dubcek: AND NOW
FOR THE PERFECT DESSERT.
SURPRISE!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
WELL, I...
I GUESS NOT
EVERYONE LIKES JELL-O.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
LISTEN, DICK, WE BETTER NOT LET
ANOTHER ONE OF THESE BIG HOLIDAYS
SNEAK UP ON US.
OH, DON'T WORRY, LIEUTENANT.
AFTER THIS ONE, THERE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY BE ANOTHER ONE FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW, AFTER COOKING
THAT HUGE DINNER TONIGHT,
I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?
I THINK TOMORROW
I'M GOING TO SPEND A NICE
PEACEFUL DAY AT THE MALL.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OH, REALLY? GOODY! I
HEAR THERE'S A SALE.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE