3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 1 - See Dick Continue to Run: Part 1 - full transcript
Sally, Harry and Tommy experience Dick's replacement is very aggravating while they don't know Dick is still trapped in the basement.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HIGH COMMANDER'S LOG.
MAKE THAT FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.
I AM WRITING THIS
SO THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS
WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.
IT ALL BEGAN TWO DAYS AGO...
OK, WHERE'S MY SHOES?
OH, WELL, I THINK I SAW ONE
OF THEM RIGHT OVER THERE.
HARRY RECEIVED A MESSAGE
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD
SAYING THAT I WAS TO BE REPLACED
THE VERY NEXT NIGHT.
CRUELLY, THAT WAS THE VERY NIGHT
THAT MARY FINALLY
SAID, "I CARE ABOUT YOU."
OH, MARY, YOU UNDERSTAND
MY EVERY THOUGHT.
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU'VE HAD THE MILK.
WHY BUY THE COW?
NO, MARY.
I WANT YOU.
I WANT THE COW!
BUT I WAS SUMMONED
INTO THE BASEMENT
TO MEET MY REPLACEMENT,
AND HERE I AM IN
THIS ENCASEMENT.
NO.
I MUST MAKE AN ERASEMENT.
IGNORING ALL MILITARY PROTOCOL,
HE CONFINED ME IN
THIS INVISIBLE BOX.
HA HA HA HA HA.
OH, MY GOD!
HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIME!
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT PAN?
I'M COOKING SAUSAGES.
THOSE ARE LINKS. I LIKE PATTIES.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
SORRY WON'T DO. PRESS
THAT MEAT, SOLDIER.
I LIKE MY LINKS FLAT.
WHO ATE MY STRAWBERRIES?
STRAWBERRIES?
I HAD A PINT OF
STRAWBERRIES IN HERE
WITH A NOTE CLEARLY
MARKED "MINE."
I DIDN'T TAKE
THEM. IT WASN'T ME.
MAN, THEM STRAWBERRIES
WAS GOOD EATIN'.
IT IS BECOMING ALL TOO CLEAR
HOW MY PREDECESSOR
CHOSE TO RUN THINGS.
YOU WILL FIND THINGS
TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT
UNDER MY COMMAND, TOMMY.
UH, NO, I'M HARRY.
NO. I HAVE DECIDED
THAT FROM NOW ON,
YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY, TOO.
YEAH, BUT WAIT, WAIT.
TOMMY AND THEN THE
NUMBER 2 OR TOMMY, AS WELL?
YOU WILL ALL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL. LIEUTENANT.
FROM NOW ON, YOU
WILL WEAR SKIRTS.
SKIRTS?
SOMETHING LONG THAT
LOOKS PRETTY WHEN YOU TWIRL.
AND STAY AWAY FROM PLEATS.
YOU KNOW, NOTHING TOO FUSSY.
OK.
FURTHERMORE, WHEN
COUPONS ARRIVE IN THE MAIL,
I GET FIRST DIBS.
I MAY OPEN A BOX OF
CEREAL TO GET THE PRIZE,
BUT I DO NOT THEN HAVE TO EAT...
THE CEREAL.
THE BATHROOM HAS BEEN STOCKED
WITH TWO KINDS OF TOILET PAPER.
I AND I ALONE...
GET THE QUILTED KIND.
YOU WILL GO TO A BARBER.
I WILL GO TO A STYLIST.
NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WE HAVE SO MUCH
MORE HAIR THAN YOU DO.
YOU WILL NEVER
MENTION THAT AGAIN!
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR, TOMMY?
YES. YES. YES.
WHEN SOMEONE ASKS
YOU WHAT TIME IT IS,
YOU DO NOT SAY,
"IT'S TIME TO DIE."
Evil Dick: AND WHERE
DO I GO FOR WORK?
Tommy: THE UNIVERSITY.
AH.
SO I RUN THE UNIVERSITY.
UH, NOT SO MUCH RUN.
YOU TEACH A PHYSICS CLASS.
I'M A TEACHER?!
WHAT, WERE ALL THE
JANITORS' JOBS TAKEN?!
SIX MONTHS ON THIS PLANET,
AND THAT'S ALL MY
PREDECESSOR ACHIEVED.
HOW PITIFUL!
HE WAS SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THAT WHOLE
DR. ALBRIGHT THING.
AH, YES. MARY.
I'VE GOT PLANS FOR HER.
THERE'S MY GIRL.
I FEEL SO PRETTY.
NOW PAY ATTENTION.
I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
LIEUTENANT, TAKE THIS DOWN.
I WILL REQUIRE THE
FOLLOWING ITEMS:
500 ROLLS OF SILVER
REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE,
144 CERAMIC CUSTARD CUPS,
ONE SUBATOMIC SPECTROMETER,
AND ONE TURKEY BASTER.
YOU SEE, I'M BUILDING
THE GREATEST INCUBATOR
THESE PUNY HUMANS
HAVE EVER KNOWN.
AND WHEN IT IS COMPLETED,
I WILL SPAWN MY OWN
PRIVATE ARMY OF...
OF...
FUZZY EASTER CHICKS.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
YOU HAVE YOUR
ASSIGNMENT. HOP TO IT!
CAN YOU GIVE US A RIDE?
NO! THE CAR IS MINE
AND MINE ALONE.
YOU'RE HUMANS. USE YOUR FEET.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS
CLOSE TO KICKING HIS BUTT.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA KICK HIS BUTT,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I
FIGURED YOU'D DO IT.
WELL, WHEN HE COMES BACK,
I'M KICKING HIS BUTT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
COMPLAINING ABOUT, HUH?
I DESERVED HIS JOB. I
SHOULD BE HIGH COMMANDER.
I HAD THE SENIORITY, I
KNOW THE TERRITORY.
SO WHY WASN'T I PROMOTED? HUH?
BECAUSE I'M THE WOMAN.
ONCE AGAIN, THE WOMAN
WAS PASSED OVER!
YOU WANT ME TO KICK HIS BUTT?
OH, HARRY!
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANY BUTT-KICKING, OK?
HE'S HIGH COMMANDER,
AND, LIKE IT OR NOT,
WE'RE SWORN TO FOLLOW HIM.
ANYWAY, MAYBE THIS MISSION
COULD USE A LITTLE DISCIPLINE.
YEAH. NICE SKIRT, TOMMY.
ALL RIGHT, HOW DO
YOU WORK A CAR?
SEE, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN GOOD FABRIC
AND CHEAP FABRIC.
THEN AGAIN, MY THIRD
HUSBAND LIKED THEM CHEAP.
YES, YES. THAT'S FASCINATING.
SAY, DR. SOLOMON,
COULD YOU COME OVER AND
GIVE ME A HAND WITH MY LINT TRAP?
OH, I...
I'D LOVE TO, REALLY, BUT
I'M AFRAID IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU SEE, I HAVE A BAD BACK.
I THINK I KNOW WHY
YOU'RE DOWN HERE.
SAME REASON MY SECOND HUSBAND
USED TO COME DOWN HERE.
BOTTLE OF SCOTCH
HIDDEN IN THE INSULATION.
OF COURSE, I ALWAYS KNEW.
THE PINK FUZZ IN HIS
BEARD GAVE HIM AWAY.
[PANTING]
MRS. DUBCEK.
YES?
I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.
COULD YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND
TELL SALLY THAT I'M DOWN HERE?
BUT IF YOU SEE ME
STANDING THERE...
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT...
DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.
JUST TAKE SALLY ASIDE
AND WHISPER IT TO HER,
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
MAKE SURE I DON'T HEAR YOU.
COME AGAIN?
NEVER MIND.
[BONK]
STOP IT.
OH, HERE'S THE DUCT TAPE.
HOW MUCH DO WE NEED?
UH, 500 ROLLS,
SILVER REFLECTIVE.
OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT EIGHT
ROLLS OF SORT OF GRAYISH?
THAT'S FINE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
DICK'S DOING NOW?
YOU KNOW, OLD DICK.
YOU DON'T THINK
THEY REASSIGNED HIM
TO THE BROWN PLANET, DO YOU?
OHH.
DENNIS!
TOM, SALLY, HARRY, WHAT
ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
WELL, WE JUST HAD TO PICK
UP SOME DUCT TAPE HERE.
NO, I MEAN ON EARTH.
OH, WELL, WE'RE DOING THAT THING
WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE A HUMAN FAMILY.
OH, I DODGED THAT ASSIGNMENT.
WE'VE SEEN YOU ON TV,
MAN. 18 REBOUNDS A GAME.
DON'T PEOPLE SUSPECT ANYTHING?
LOOK AT YOU. THE
HAIR, THE TATTOOS.
LIKE YOU COULD BE HUMAN.
THEY THINK I'M
WEIRD OR SOMETHING.
I HEAR THAT.
LISTEN, DENNIS, I GOTTA ASK YOU.
MADONNA, WHERE'S SHE FROM?
DETROIT.
DETROIT, EARTH?
GET OUT. NO!
SHE'S HERE. SHE'S HERE.
OH, WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL JORDAN?
ROBOT.
YEAH. I TOLD YOU SO. SEE?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA BE GOING.
PROCEED BOLDLY AND WITH STEALTH.
JAM ON.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR DESK.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO IT...
TO YOURS?
NO. I LIKE IT MESSY.
BAD GIRL.
SO, DR. ALBRIGHT,
REFRESH MY MEMORY.
HAVE YOU AND I... HAD SEX YET?
WHY, YES. I BELIEVE WE HAVE.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS... NICE.
NEXT TIME IT WON'T BE SO NICE.
UM, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, NINA.
NINA, WHERE'S THAT
COMPREHENSIVE COURSE SYLLABUS?
YOU ONLY ASKED ME
TO DO IT 10 MINUTES AGO.
I'M NOT A MACHINE.
MMM. PITY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TRYING
TO SHOW OFF IN FRONT OF HER?
I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW OFF.
I JUST HAVE TO... SHOW UP.
ISN'T HE NAUGHTY?
OLD DICK WOULD HAVE NEVER
ORDERED US OUT ONTO THE ROOF.
YEAH, WELL, EXCEPT
FOR THAT ONE TIME
HE ORDERED US OUT ON THE ROOF.
OH, WELL, THAT TIME.
A SMALL FIRE HAS BROKEN
OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
THERE'S A FIRE EXTINGUISHER
NEXT TO THE STOVE.
THE STOVE IS IN THE KITCHEN.
OBVIOUSLY.
THIS GUY'S SUCH A HARD-ASS.
HEY, MAY I REMIND YOU THAT THAT
HARD-ASS IS OUR HIGH COMMANDER?
WELL, YOU'RE THE WEAPONS EXPERT.
ISN'T THERE SOME
WAY TO GET RID OF HIM?
NO. WE'RE STUCK WITH HIM.
WE CAN'T JUST FRAG
HIM WITH A GRENADE
WHILE HE'S TAKING A SHOWER.
HEY, BUT LISTEN.
SHOWERS ACCIDENTALLY
EXPLODE ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, SOLDIER.
HE SAID THAT SHOWERS...
SHUT UP!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER
IS NOW ON FIRE.
I MISS THE OLD DICK.
I MISS THE OLD DICK, TOO.
WELL, MISSING HIM'S NOT
GONNA BRING HIM BACK.
I WILL ADMIT THAT THE
OLD DICK'S METHODS
WERE A LITTLE
DIFFERENT THAN THIS DICK,
BUT IT'S NOT UP TO US TO
QUESTION HIS DIRECTIVES, OK?
HE'S IN COMMAND,
AND THAT'S THAT.
HE'S...
HE'S JUST MEAN, AND THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GETTING ALL WET. STOP.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
AS DICK ALWAYS USED TO SAY,
"NEVER LET 'EM SEE YOU LEAK."
FIRE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO HOURS.
I MISS DICK.
[RING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[RING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
[RING]
STOP IT.
[RING]
STOP IT!
HELLO.
DR. ALBRIGHT, DINNER,
MY PLACE, TONIGHT.
IS THAT AN INVITATION?
NO.
WELL...
THE CAT THINKS HE HAS
THE MOUSE BY THE TAIL.
YES, BUT SOMETIMES THE CAT
LIKES TO PLAY WITH HIS PREY
BEFORE HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL.
WELL, THE CAT MAY HAVE CLAWS,
BUT THE MOUSE IS QUICK.
TRUE.
BUT THE MOUSE WILL
ALWAYS FALL FOR THE CHEESE.
THE CAT LIKES A
LITTLE CHEESE, TOO.
AND MILK AND DEAD BIRDS.
BUT HE ALWAYS
LICKS HIMSELF CLEAN.
YOU WERE ASKING ME TO DINNER.
UH, YES.
I'LL BE THERE.
MREOWWW!
NO! I'M THE CAT!
HERE'S THE SYLLABUS
THAT YOU WANTED.
WHY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, NINA.
SO...
EXQUISITELY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, WE GOT A NEW
TONER CARTRIDGE...
DON'T BE SO MODEST.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
[BELL RINGS]
EXCUSE ME, THERE
MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THIS CLASSROOM IS MINE.
FIND YOUR OWN.
DR. SOLOMON, WE WERE ALL
JUST WAITING FOR OUR GRADES.
OH.
GRADES?
I DIDN'T REALIZE TEACHING
INVOLVED EVALUATION.
VERY WELL.
YOU NEED YOUR HAIR STRAIGHTENED.
YOU'RE TOO SHORT FOR YOUR FACE.
YOU HAVE A MUSEUM-QUALITY TORSO.
YOU...
ARE HARMLESS.
YOU WILL BE SPARED AND
USED TO CARRY HEAVY THINGS.
YOU...
DR. SOLOMON, WE MEANT
OUR LETTER GRADES.
I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU ALL...
Ds.
WE GOT Ds.
YAY! YAY! YAY!
Television: AWW!
ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER,
REUNITED WITH THE BIRTH
MOTHER SHE NEVER KNEW.
I LOVE RICKI LAKE.
THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN
FINALLY CAME FACE TO FACE
WITH HER STALKER.
AND HE WAS SO SWEET,
SHE AGREED TO GO
OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM.
MAYBE IF I WENT ON THAT SHOW,
THEY WOULD REUNITE ME WITH DICK.
JOHNSON.
DICK JOHNSON.
LITTLE DICKIE JOHNSON.
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
AND WHO IS THIS
EXQUISITE CREATURE?
UH,
MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GO
DOWNSTAIRS, MRS. DUBCEK.
MRS. DUBCEK.
I WILL SEE YOU LATER...
MRS. DUBCEK.
MRRREOW!
TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF.
FROM NOW ON, WE WATCH ONLY GOLF.
BUT I WAS GONNA WATCH
THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.
TRANSMISSION INCOMING
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WARNING!
WARNING!
DANGER! DANGER!
DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR,
YOUR HIGH COMMANDER MAY
HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY REPLACED
BY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE
OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
HE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED
ARMED AND EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT.
AND REMEMBER,
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING
OF GIANT HEADS,
THINK OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...
2...
1.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT WAS IT?
WRONG NUMBER.
NOW, SHUT UP
AND GET ME THAT TURKEY BASTER.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME
GET THE TURKEY BASTER?
[SNORING]
♪ HER NAME WAS LOLA ♪
♪ SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL ♪
♪ WITH YELLOW
FEATHERS IN HER HAIR ♪
♪ AND A DRESS CUT
DOWN TO THERE ♪
♪ SHE WOULD MERENGUE ♪
HI, OLD DICK.
♪ AND DO THE CHA-CHA ♪
♪ BUT THAT WAS 30 YEARS... ♪
DICK! HARRY!
OHH! OHH!
OW! OW! OW!
OW! OW! OW!
INVISIBLE BOX?
YEAH.
OH.
TOMMY! TOMMY!
TOMMY!
Y-YES.
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
I DISTINCTLY ASKED FOR
REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE.
OH, UH, ABOUT THAT,
THAT WAS ALL THEY HAD.
TYPICAL.
DID YOU GET THE CUSTARD CUPS?
UH, WE DIDN'T SO MUCH GET THEM
AS... AS FAIL TO GET THEM, SIR.
DID YOU TRY JENNY'S
RESTAURANT SUPPLY ON 5th STREET?
THEY'RE NOT OPEN TO
THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
THAT'S RIGHT. CAN'T LET
JUST ANYONE MAKE CUSTARD.
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NOT ON THIS PLANET.
NO, NO, THAT WOULD
BE TOO SIMPLE.
NO, WE HAVE RETAIL,
AND WE HAVE WHOLESALE.
WE HAVE PINK PACKETS
AND BLUE PACKETS.
REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS
AND THE PARTY THAT
CRAZY MIDGET STARTED.
SO MANY CHOICES.
HOW THEY ALL LOVE
THEIR FREE WILL.
EVERYBODY HAS A
DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.
THERE SHOULD BE
ONLY ONE POINT OF VIEW.
MY POINT OF VIEW!
WELL, I HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR THESE HUMANS.
THE BUFFET IS ABOUT TO CLOSE.
FOREVER.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
[PANTING]
AAAHH.
WHAT IS IT, BOY?
[PANTING]
HE WANTS US TO FOLLOW HIM.
DICK! DICK!
SALLY! LOOK OUT!
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE...
AAH!
OW! OH, MAN.
OH, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HIGH COMMANDER'S LOG.
MAKE THAT FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.
I AM WRITING THIS
SO THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS
WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.
IT ALL BEGAN TWO DAYS AGO...
OK, WHERE'S MY SHOES?
OH, WELL, I THINK I SAW ONE
OF THEM RIGHT OVER THERE.
HARRY RECEIVED A MESSAGE
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD
SAYING THAT I WAS TO BE REPLACED
THE VERY NEXT NIGHT.
CRUELLY, THAT WAS THE VERY NIGHT
THAT MARY FINALLY
SAID, "I CARE ABOUT YOU."
OH, MARY, YOU UNDERSTAND
MY EVERY THOUGHT.
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU'VE HAD THE MILK.
WHY BUY THE COW?
NO, MARY.
I WANT YOU.
I WANT THE COW!
BUT I WAS SUMMONED
INTO THE BASEMENT
TO MEET MY REPLACEMENT,
AND HERE I AM IN
THIS ENCASEMENT.
NO.
I MUST MAKE AN ERASEMENT.
IGNORING ALL MILITARY PROTOCOL,
HE CONFINED ME IN
THIS INVISIBLE BOX.
HA HA HA HA HA.
OH, MY GOD!
HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIME!
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT PAN?
I'M COOKING SAUSAGES.
THOSE ARE LINKS. I LIKE PATTIES.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
SORRY WON'T DO. PRESS
THAT MEAT, SOLDIER.
I LIKE MY LINKS FLAT.
WHO ATE MY STRAWBERRIES?
STRAWBERRIES?
I HAD A PINT OF
STRAWBERRIES IN HERE
WITH A NOTE CLEARLY
MARKED "MINE."
I DIDN'T TAKE
THEM. IT WASN'T ME.
MAN, THEM STRAWBERRIES
WAS GOOD EATIN'.
IT IS BECOMING ALL TOO CLEAR
HOW MY PREDECESSOR
CHOSE TO RUN THINGS.
YOU WILL FIND THINGS
TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT
UNDER MY COMMAND, TOMMY.
UH, NO, I'M HARRY.
NO. I HAVE DECIDED
THAT FROM NOW ON,
YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY, TOO.
YEAH, BUT WAIT, WAIT.
TOMMY AND THEN THE
NUMBER 2 OR TOMMY, AS WELL?
YOU WILL ALL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL. LIEUTENANT.
FROM NOW ON, YOU
WILL WEAR SKIRTS.
SKIRTS?
SOMETHING LONG THAT
LOOKS PRETTY WHEN YOU TWIRL.
AND STAY AWAY FROM PLEATS.
YOU KNOW, NOTHING TOO FUSSY.
OK.
FURTHERMORE, WHEN
COUPONS ARRIVE IN THE MAIL,
I GET FIRST DIBS.
I MAY OPEN A BOX OF
CEREAL TO GET THE PRIZE,
BUT I DO NOT THEN HAVE TO EAT...
THE CEREAL.
THE BATHROOM HAS BEEN STOCKED
WITH TWO KINDS OF TOILET PAPER.
I AND I ALONE...
GET THE QUILTED KIND.
YOU WILL GO TO A BARBER.
I WILL GO TO A STYLIST.
NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WE HAVE SO MUCH
MORE HAIR THAN YOU DO.
YOU WILL NEVER
MENTION THAT AGAIN!
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR, TOMMY?
YES. YES. YES.
WHEN SOMEONE ASKS
YOU WHAT TIME IT IS,
YOU DO NOT SAY,
"IT'S TIME TO DIE."
Evil Dick: AND WHERE
DO I GO FOR WORK?
Tommy: THE UNIVERSITY.
AH.
SO I RUN THE UNIVERSITY.
UH, NOT SO MUCH RUN.
YOU TEACH A PHYSICS CLASS.
I'M A TEACHER?!
WHAT, WERE ALL THE
JANITORS' JOBS TAKEN?!
SIX MONTHS ON THIS PLANET,
AND THAT'S ALL MY
PREDECESSOR ACHIEVED.
HOW PITIFUL!
HE WAS SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THAT WHOLE
DR. ALBRIGHT THING.
AH, YES. MARY.
I'VE GOT PLANS FOR HER.
THERE'S MY GIRL.
I FEEL SO PRETTY.
NOW PAY ATTENTION.
I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
LIEUTENANT, TAKE THIS DOWN.
I WILL REQUIRE THE
FOLLOWING ITEMS:
500 ROLLS OF SILVER
REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE,
144 CERAMIC CUSTARD CUPS,
ONE SUBATOMIC SPECTROMETER,
AND ONE TURKEY BASTER.
YOU SEE, I'M BUILDING
THE GREATEST INCUBATOR
THESE PUNY HUMANS
HAVE EVER KNOWN.
AND WHEN IT IS COMPLETED,
I WILL SPAWN MY OWN
PRIVATE ARMY OF...
OF...
FUZZY EASTER CHICKS.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
YOU HAVE YOUR
ASSIGNMENT. HOP TO IT!
CAN YOU GIVE US A RIDE?
NO! THE CAR IS MINE
AND MINE ALONE.
YOU'RE HUMANS. USE YOUR FEET.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS
CLOSE TO KICKING HIS BUTT.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA KICK HIS BUTT,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I
FIGURED YOU'D DO IT.
WELL, WHEN HE COMES BACK,
I'M KICKING HIS BUTT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
COMPLAINING ABOUT, HUH?
I DESERVED HIS JOB. I
SHOULD BE HIGH COMMANDER.
I HAD THE SENIORITY, I
KNOW THE TERRITORY.
SO WHY WASN'T I PROMOTED? HUH?
BECAUSE I'M THE WOMAN.
ONCE AGAIN, THE WOMAN
WAS PASSED OVER!
YOU WANT ME TO KICK HIS BUTT?
OH, HARRY!
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANY BUTT-KICKING, OK?
HE'S HIGH COMMANDER,
AND, LIKE IT OR NOT,
WE'RE SWORN TO FOLLOW HIM.
ANYWAY, MAYBE THIS MISSION
COULD USE A LITTLE DISCIPLINE.
YEAH. NICE SKIRT, TOMMY.
ALL RIGHT, HOW DO
YOU WORK A CAR?
SEE, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN GOOD FABRIC
AND CHEAP FABRIC.
THEN AGAIN, MY THIRD
HUSBAND LIKED THEM CHEAP.
YES, YES. THAT'S FASCINATING.
SAY, DR. SOLOMON,
COULD YOU COME OVER AND
GIVE ME A HAND WITH MY LINT TRAP?
OH, I...
I'D LOVE TO, REALLY, BUT
I'M AFRAID IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU SEE, I HAVE A BAD BACK.
I THINK I KNOW WHY
YOU'RE DOWN HERE.
SAME REASON MY SECOND HUSBAND
USED TO COME DOWN HERE.
BOTTLE OF SCOTCH
HIDDEN IN THE INSULATION.
OF COURSE, I ALWAYS KNEW.
THE PINK FUZZ IN HIS
BEARD GAVE HIM AWAY.
[PANTING]
MRS. DUBCEK.
YES?
I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.
COULD YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND
TELL SALLY THAT I'M DOWN HERE?
BUT IF YOU SEE ME
STANDING THERE...
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT...
DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.
JUST TAKE SALLY ASIDE
AND WHISPER IT TO HER,
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
MAKE SURE I DON'T HEAR YOU.
COME AGAIN?
NEVER MIND.
[BONK]
STOP IT.
OH, HERE'S THE DUCT TAPE.
HOW MUCH DO WE NEED?
UH, 500 ROLLS,
SILVER REFLECTIVE.
OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT EIGHT
ROLLS OF SORT OF GRAYISH?
THAT'S FINE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
DICK'S DOING NOW?
YOU KNOW, OLD DICK.
YOU DON'T THINK
THEY REASSIGNED HIM
TO THE BROWN PLANET, DO YOU?
OHH.
DENNIS!
TOM, SALLY, HARRY, WHAT
ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
WELL, WE JUST HAD TO PICK
UP SOME DUCT TAPE HERE.
NO, I MEAN ON EARTH.
OH, WELL, WE'RE DOING THAT THING
WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE A HUMAN FAMILY.
OH, I DODGED THAT ASSIGNMENT.
WE'VE SEEN YOU ON TV,
MAN. 18 REBOUNDS A GAME.
DON'T PEOPLE SUSPECT ANYTHING?
LOOK AT YOU. THE
HAIR, THE TATTOOS.
LIKE YOU COULD BE HUMAN.
THEY THINK I'M
WEIRD OR SOMETHING.
I HEAR THAT.
LISTEN, DENNIS, I GOTTA ASK YOU.
MADONNA, WHERE'S SHE FROM?
DETROIT.
DETROIT, EARTH?
GET OUT. NO!
SHE'S HERE. SHE'S HERE.
OH, WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL JORDAN?
ROBOT.
YEAH. I TOLD YOU SO. SEE?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA BE GOING.
PROCEED BOLDLY AND WITH STEALTH.
JAM ON.
I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR DESK.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO IT...
TO YOURS?
NO. I LIKE IT MESSY.
BAD GIRL.
SO, DR. ALBRIGHT,
REFRESH MY MEMORY.
HAVE YOU AND I... HAD SEX YET?
WHY, YES. I BELIEVE WE HAVE.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS... NICE.
NEXT TIME IT WON'T BE SO NICE.
UM, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, NINA.
NINA, WHERE'S THAT
COMPREHENSIVE COURSE SYLLABUS?
YOU ONLY ASKED ME
TO DO IT 10 MINUTES AGO.
I'M NOT A MACHINE.
MMM. PITY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TRYING
TO SHOW OFF IN FRONT OF HER?
I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW OFF.
I JUST HAVE TO... SHOW UP.
ISN'T HE NAUGHTY?
OLD DICK WOULD HAVE NEVER
ORDERED US OUT ONTO THE ROOF.
YEAH, WELL, EXCEPT
FOR THAT ONE TIME
HE ORDERED US OUT ON THE ROOF.
OH, WELL, THAT TIME.
A SMALL FIRE HAS BROKEN
OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
THERE'S A FIRE EXTINGUISHER
NEXT TO THE STOVE.
THE STOVE IS IN THE KITCHEN.
OBVIOUSLY.
THIS GUY'S SUCH A HARD-ASS.
HEY, MAY I REMIND YOU THAT THAT
HARD-ASS IS OUR HIGH COMMANDER?
WELL, YOU'RE THE WEAPONS EXPERT.
ISN'T THERE SOME
WAY TO GET RID OF HIM?
NO. WE'RE STUCK WITH HIM.
WE CAN'T JUST FRAG
HIM WITH A GRENADE
WHILE HE'S TAKING A SHOWER.
HEY, BUT LISTEN.
SHOWERS ACCIDENTALLY
EXPLODE ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, SOLDIER.
HE SAID THAT SHOWERS...
SHUT UP!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER
IS NOW ON FIRE.
I MISS THE OLD DICK.
I MISS THE OLD DICK, TOO.
WELL, MISSING HIM'S NOT
GONNA BRING HIM BACK.
I WILL ADMIT THAT THE
OLD DICK'S METHODS
WERE A LITTLE
DIFFERENT THAN THIS DICK,
BUT IT'S NOT UP TO US TO
QUESTION HIS DIRECTIVES, OK?
HE'S IN COMMAND,
AND THAT'S THAT.
HE'S...
HE'S JUST MEAN, AND THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GETTING ALL WET. STOP.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
AS DICK ALWAYS USED TO SAY,
"NEVER LET 'EM SEE YOU LEAK."
FIRE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO HOURS.
I MISS DICK.
[RING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[RING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
[RING]
STOP IT.
[RING]
STOP IT!
HELLO.
DR. ALBRIGHT, DINNER,
MY PLACE, TONIGHT.
IS THAT AN INVITATION?
NO.
WELL...
THE CAT THINKS HE HAS
THE MOUSE BY THE TAIL.
YES, BUT SOMETIMES THE CAT
LIKES TO PLAY WITH HIS PREY
BEFORE HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL.
WELL, THE CAT MAY HAVE CLAWS,
BUT THE MOUSE IS QUICK.
TRUE.
BUT THE MOUSE WILL
ALWAYS FALL FOR THE CHEESE.
THE CAT LIKES A
LITTLE CHEESE, TOO.
AND MILK AND DEAD BIRDS.
BUT HE ALWAYS
LICKS HIMSELF CLEAN.
YOU WERE ASKING ME TO DINNER.
UH, YES.
I'LL BE THERE.
MREOWWW!
NO! I'M THE CAT!
HERE'S THE SYLLABUS
THAT YOU WANTED.
WHY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, NINA.
SO...
EXQUISITELY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, WE GOT A NEW
TONER CARTRIDGE...
DON'T BE SO MODEST.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
[BELL RINGS]
EXCUSE ME, THERE
MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THIS CLASSROOM IS MINE.
FIND YOUR OWN.
DR. SOLOMON, WE WERE ALL
JUST WAITING FOR OUR GRADES.
OH.
GRADES?
I DIDN'T REALIZE TEACHING
INVOLVED EVALUATION.
VERY WELL.
YOU NEED YOUR HAIR STRAIGHTENED.
YOU'RE TOO SHORT FOR YOUR FACE.
YOU HAVE A MUSEUM-QUALITY TORSO.
YOU...
ARE HARMLESS.
YOU WILL BE SPARED AND
USED TO CARRY HEAVY THINGS.
YOU...
DR. SOLOMON, WE MEANT
OUR LETTER GRADES.
I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU ALL...
Ds.
WE GOT Ds.
YAY! YAY! YAY!
Television: AWW!
ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER,
REUNITED WITH THE BIRTH
MOTHER SHE NEVER KNEW.
I LOVE RICKI LAKE.
THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN
FINALLY CAME FACE TO FACE
WITH HER STALKER.
AND HE WAS SO SWEET,
SHE AGREED TO GO
OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM.
MAYBE IF I WENT ON THAT SHOW,
THEY WOULD REUNITE ME WITH DICK.
JOHNSON.
DICK JOHNSON.
LITTLE DICKIE JOHNSON.
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
AND WHO IS THIS
EXQUISITE CREATURE?
UH,
MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GO
DOWNSTAIRS, MRS. DUBCEK.
MRS. DUBCEK.
I WILL SEE YOU LATER...
MRS. DUBCEK.
MRRREOW!
TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF.
FROM NOW ON, WE WATCH ONLY GOLF.
BUT I WAS GONNA WATCH
THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.
TRANSMISSION INCOMING
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WARNING!
WARNING!
DANGER! DANGER!
DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR,
YOUR HIGH COMMANDER MAY
HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY REPLACED
BY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE
OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
HE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED
ARMED AND EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT.
AND REMEMBER,
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING
OF GIANT HEADS,
THINK OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...
2...
1.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT WAS IT?
WRONG NUMBER.
NOW, SHUT UP
AND GET ME THAT TURKEY BASTER.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME
GET THE TURKEY BASTER?
[SNORING]
♪ HER NAME WAS LOLA ♪
♪ SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL ♪
♪ WITH YELLOW
FEATHERS IN HER HAIR ♪
♪ AND A DRESS CUT
DOWN TO THERE ♪
♪ SHE WOULD MERENGUE ♪
HI, OLD DICK.
♪ AND DO THE CHA-CHA ♪
♪ BUT THAT WAS 30 YEARS... ♪
DICK! HARRY!
OHH! OHH!
OW! OW! OW!
OW! OW! OW!
INVISIBLE BOX?
YEAH.
OH.
TOMMY! TOMMY!
TOMMY!
Y-YES.
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
I DISTINCTLY ASKED FOR
REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE.
OH, UH, ABOUT THAT,
THAT WAS ALL THEY HAD.
TYPICAL.
DID YOU GET THE CUSTARD CUPS?
UH, WE DIDN'T SO MUCH GET THEM
AS... AS FAIL TO GET THEM, SIR.
DID YOU TRY JENNY'S
RESTAURANT SUPPLY ON 5th STREET?
THEY'RE NOT OPEN TO
THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
THAT'S RIGHT. CAN'T LET
JUST ANYONE MAKE CUSTARD.
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NOT ON THIS PLANET.
NO, NO, THAT WOULD
BE TOO SIMPLE.
NO, WE HAVE RETAIL,
AND WE HAVE WHOLESALE.
WE HAVE PINK PACKETS
AND BLUE PACKETS.
REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS
AND THE PARTY THAT
CRAZY MIDGET STARTED.
SO MANY CHOICES.
HOW THEY ALL LOVE
THEIR FREE WILL.
EVERYBODY HAS A
DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.
THERE SHOULD BE
ONLY ONE POINT OF VIEW.
MY POINT OF VIEW!
WELL, I HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR THESE HUMANS.
THE BUFFET IS ABOUT TO CLOSE.
FOREVER.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
[PANTING]
AAAHH.
WHAT IS IT, BOY?
[PANTING]
HE WANTS US TO FOLLOW HIM.
DICK! DICK!
SALLY! LOOK OUT!
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE...
AAH!
OW! OH, MAN.
OH, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.