3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 7 - Lonely Dick - full transcript
Dr. Albright goes on holiday and Dick feels very lonely without her being around. She didn't leave him a phone number or anything and he very desperately tries to find out how he can contact her. Nina however, does have the number of Dr. Albright, but won't tell him. Meanwhile Sally and Harry are totally into skin-care products. Harry even gets a job promoting one. Tommy meets a girl named August.
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE EARTH IS POPULATED
BY MILLIONS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AND THOSE WHO AREN'T BEAUTIFUL
HAVE GREAT PERSONALITIES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THE MOON AND STARS
THAT'S SO ROMANTIC.
I WISH THAT...
DR. ALBRIGHT WAS HERE
INSTEAD OF A GROUP OF
UNGRATEFUL SUBORDINATES.
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
VOGUE.
HA, LOOK AT THIS.
"STOMACHS ARE IN,
BREASTS ARE OUT."
WELL, THAT'S JUST BASIC ANATOMY.
HOLY COW.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?
THAT WOMAN HAS USED PRODUCTS
THAT PROMOTE MOIST-LOOKING
SKIN AND A VACANT LOOK.
WELL, GET SOME.
I'VE ALSO NOTICED, LIEUTENANT,
THAT MOST GIRLS SMELL
BETTER THAN YOU DO.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S MY JOB TO RESEARCH WOMEN,
SO I'LL GET SOME SOAP.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I
WANT TO SMELL NICE.
WELL, SALLY, YOU KNOW,
FRAGRANCE IS AN INTEGRAL PART
OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE...
THE SMELL OF
FLOWERS IN SPRINGTIME,
THE AROMA OF
FRESH-BAKED APPLE PIE...
A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET
WITH PINK AND ORANGE
STREAKING THE SKY.
HARRY, THAT'S A SIGHT,
NOT A SMELL.
OH, WELL, I KNEW IT WAS ONE
OF THOSE FACE-HOLE THINGS.
GOOD MORNING.
SHH. PLEASE.
I'M MEDITATING.
OH, MEDITATION.
INTERESTING.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M
FEELING STRESSED OUT,
I LIKE TO VISUALIZE MYSELF
IN A PEACEFUL PLACE.
DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT.
YOU GO ON.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
BREATHE.
AHH.
AND PICTURE A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
O.K.
YES. I'M THERE.
THERE'S A LOVELY BREEZE.
I'M WEARING A GAUZY DRESS.
A WAVE HITS ME.
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE I'VE LOST
THAT WINTER WEIGHT.
I TAKE OFF MY SHIRT.
THE SUN EMBRACES ME LIKE
THOUSANDS OF WARM FINGERS.
I'M RELAXED AND FREE.
EVEN MY HORSE SENSES YOUR CALM.
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR BIG
HORSE, HANDSOME STRANGER.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE
DISTRACTED BY MY CHISELED PECS.
JUST THEN, THEIR
SECRETARY ARRIVES TO SAY,
IT'S ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
FISH DAY IN THE CAFETERIA.
OOH, FISH. GREAT.
AH, YES.
FISH.
MY HORSE LIKES FISH.
DON'T WANDER OFF.
I'LL JUST BE A SECOND.
AND, YOU, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING
FROM THE FIRMA DE
TATA SKIN CARE LINE, MISS?
I'M LOOKING FOR SOAP.
ARE YOU OILY OR DRY?
DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU LOOK.
COMBINATION.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
OUR FOAMING FACE WASH,
DI BARA TATA?
IS IT SOAP?
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
AND TODAY, WE HAVE SPECIAL
ON OGLI DI FIRMA EYE CREAM.
NO. I JUST WANT SOAP.
HOW ARE YOU ON TONING GEL?
MI TROATA TAUTA IS A MUST.
IF IT'S SOAP, I'LL TAKE IT.
ARE YOU SLOUGHING?
WHAT WORDS ARE YOU
NOT UNDERSTANDING?
I NEED SOAP, JUST THE SOAP.
GIVE ME SOAP!
IF I CAN HELP OR
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
I'M ONYA.
I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME
THIS HUMAN OBSESSION WITH YOUTH
AND WHY THE COSMETICS INDUSTRY
PERPETUATES THIS
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.
HA.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, THAT WAS GREAT,
WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO HER.
I'VE SEEN YOU AT SCHOOL, RIGHT?
YEAH. I'VE SEEN YOU, TOO,
HIDING UNDER THE BLEACHERS
WATCHING THE CHEERLEADERS.
YOU DIDN'T STRIKE ME
AS MUCH OF A THINKER.
I'M AUGUST.
DON'T CALL ME AUGIE.
I'M TOMMY.
DON'T CALL ME AUGIE EITHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO DEPRESSING
HOW THE BABY BOOMERS
HAVE DISTORTED SOCIETY.
THEY SCREWED UP THE JOB MARKET,
FROZE MUSIC FOR 30 YEARS,
AND NOW THIS.
YEAH.
THEY'VE... THEY'VE
CREATED AN ENTIRE INDUSTRY
ATTEMPTING TO RECAPTURE
THE YOUTH THEY SQUANDERED.
TOMMY, YOU ARE INSANELY BRIGHT.
WELL, IT'S JUST HOW I FEEL.
"VERY BERRY LIP STAIN."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ME LIKE.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
OOH, THERE'S MY CAB.
I'M LATE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
THE AIRPORT.
I'D LOVE TO SEE THE AIRPORT.
LET'S MAKE A NIGHT OF IT.
I'LL JUST BE THERE
UNTIL MY PLANE LEAVES.
I'M GOING ON A LITTLE RETREAT.
RETREAT? YOU'RE GOING AWAY?
JUST FOR A WEEK.
A WEEK?
IS THERE A NUMBER
TO CALL IF I NEED YOU?
[HORN HONKS]
OOH, GOT TO GO.
BYE.
DR. ALBRIGHT.
HEY!
YOU FORGOT YOUR, UH...
YOU FORGOT YOUR...
ME!
HI.
CARE FOR A COMPLIMENTARY FACIAL
FROM ORCA SKIN CARE FOR MEN?
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
DON'T YOU DESERVE A LITTLE
TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF?
NO.
COME ON.
SIT DOWN.
RELAX.
OOH.
SOFT.
THANK YOU.
OW. OW. OW. OW.
YOU REALLY HAVE GREAT SKIN.
YOU PROBABLY STAY
AWAY FROM THE SUN.
WELL, AFTER ALMOST
CRASHING INTO IT,
YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON.
MOST MEN DON'T THINK THEY
HAVE TIME FOR PAMPERING...
BUT THEY'RE WRONG.
WELL, I'M REALLY
NOT LIKE MOST MEN.
I COULD TELL.
IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?
BOY, IS DICK GOING TO BE MAD.
HE KEEPS TELLING ME
THAT I NEED TO FIT IN.
WHO'S DICK?
HE'S MY HIGH COMMANDER.
OH, I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP
LIKE THAT ONCE.
NOW, DOESN'T THAT FEEL GOOD?
THE FIRST TIME IS
ALWAYS FABULOUS, ISN'T IT?
DICK!
OH, IT'S YOU.
HOW WAS YOUR SOAP RESEARCH?
IT'S MORE THAN SOAP, DICK.
IT'S A WHOLE REGIME.
AVIANA GAVE ME THESE
VIALS TO EXPERIMENT WITH.
O.K., THIS ONE DULLS MY SHINE.
THIS ONE BRINGS OUT MY GLOW.
I'M GOING TO PUT THEM BOTH ON
AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT.
WHO'S AVIANA?
SHE GAVE ME THIS.
AND EXPECTED NOTHING IN RETURN?
SO, DOES ANYBODY
NOTICE ANYTHING...
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
YOUR TEETH LOOK WHITER.
YOU THINK I'VE BEEN
MOUNTAIN BIKING.
BUT NO.
IT'S ORCA SUNLESS
SEA BRONZER FOR MEN.
PHILLIP SAYS THAT IT GIVES
THE ILLUSION OF BEING IN THE SUN
WITHOUT ALL THE ELASTIN DAMAGE.
WHO'S PHILLIP?
MY SKIN CARE SPECIALIST.
HE TAUGHT ME THAT MY
SELF-ESTEEM DOES NOT RELY
ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME,
BUT INSTEAD ON HOW I LOOK.
WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
OH, WELL, THE PEOPLE
AT THE PERSONNEL OFFICE
DIDN'T SEEM TO THINK SO.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW
ORCA POUR HOMME REPRESENTATIVE.
I GET TO WEAR A SAILOR SUIT.
WHERE'S TOMMY?
HE'S WITH HIS NEW
GIRLFRIEND AUGUST.
AUGUST, PHILLIP, AVIANA...
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
WHAT KIND OF A
STORE DID YOU GO TO?
THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS WE MADE.
TRY IT.
JUST BECAUSE I'VE DEVELOPED
A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE WOMAN,
AT THE EXPENSE OF DEVELOPING A
RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY OTHER HUMAN,
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I
DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
I'VE GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS.
WHO?
WILLY, STEVE, AND...
CARPET GIANT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?
YOU'RE IN A CHEERFUL MOOD.
DID YOU FORGET THAT
DR. ALBRIGHT IS GONE?
NOPE.
NINA, DO YOU HAVE THE NUMBER
WHERE DR. ALBRIGHT IS STAYING?
YEP.
COULD YOU GET HER
ON THE PHONE FOR ME?
SHE SAID NO CALLS.
YOU WORK FOR ME, TOO.
WHEN I ASK YOU TO
DO SOMETHING, DO IT,
NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
HA HA HA.
HA HA HA.
WHOO.
THANK YOU.
WHY'D YOU BRING ME HERE?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE A NICE CHANCE
FOR US FRIENDS TO CATCH UP.
UH-HUH.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN AT PENDELTON, NINA?
THREE YEARS.
MY, THAT'S A LONG TIME.
YOU'RE GOING TO
FIRE ME, AREN'T YOU?
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I WON'T GIVE
YOU THE PHONE NUMBER.
IF YOU THINK I WON'T
CAUSE A SCENE,
YOU HAD BETTER THINK AGAIN
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO
TELL YOU WHAT I THINK
OF YOU AND THE LOSER
SCHOOL THAT OWNS YOU.
BECAUSE I, NINA
CAMPBELL, AM QUITTING.
I WORKED DAMN HARD FOR YOU.
NINA, SIT DOWN.
I'M NOT FIRING YOU.
YOU'RE NOT?
NO.
OH.
O.K.
UM, I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY ORDER.
BRING ME THE RACK OF LAMB
AND A BEEFEATER MARTINI,
STRAIGHT-UP WITH AN OLIVE.
BUT ABOUT
DR. ALBRIGHT'S NUMBER...
DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.
DICK, I MADE YOU A SANDWICH.
AREN'T YOU EVER COMING HOME?
NOT UNTIL I FIND OUT WHERE
DR. ALBRIGHT IS STAYING.
OH, MAMA, WALK THAT AROUND!
WHY DID I SAY THAT?
EVERYWHERE I GO, MEN
JUST REACT LIKE THAT,
EVEN CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.
YOU KNOW, THIS STUFF
CHANGES YOU SOMEHOW.
IT'S LIKE THE CLOGGED PORES
KEEP YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
FROM ESCAPING.
I THINK I LIKE IT.
SHE MUST HAVE LEFT HER NUMBER.
SHE KEEPS EVERYTHING.
SHE'S SO ANAL.
DICK, WILL YOU DROP IT?
WE'LL JUST BUILD
ANOTHER ALBRIGHT.
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.
WE HAVE THE LEFTOVER FLESH.
I COULD REALLY USE THE
EXTRA FREEZER SPACE.
THERE IS ONLY ONE DR. ALBRIGHT.
CALM DOWN.
I NEED TO TALK TO HER RIGHT NOW!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!
THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.
[SNIFFS]
YOU SMELL GREAT.
YOU KNOW, TOMMY, YOU
REALLY HAVE AN OLD SOUL.
I LIKE IT.
OH, YOU DO?
WELL, UM, IT IS
REALLY, REALLY OLD.
SO, DICK'S NOT YOUR
REAL FATHER, IS HE?
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YOU SEEM TO HAVE
THIS LOYALTY TO HIM,
BUT NO REAL
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
TOMMY, HAVE I UPSET YOU?
NO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO
LOOK DOWN YOUR BLOUSE.
WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW HOW I
EVER COULD'VE EXPECTED
A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY,
AND I EMPHASIZE "BOY,"
TO BE ABLE TO SEPARATE
MY BODY FROM MY MIND.
BUT WAIT, AUGUST.
THEY'RE ATTACHED.
WAIT. HOLD ON.
WAIT. COME BACK. WAIT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY
FAMILY SOME MORE.
THEY'RE REALLY SCREWED UP.
YOU HEARD ME.
[SPEAKING THAI]
WELL, SHE'S NOT AT
THE BANGKOK SHERATON.
WHEN YOU CAN'T GO TO THE SEA,
THE SEA COMES TO YOU
WITH ORCA.
DOESN'T "ORCA" MEAN WHALE?
YES.
ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS ARE
DERIVED FROM ESSENTIAL WHALE OILS.
ALL THE GOODNESS OF WHALE.
ISN'T THAT ANIMAL CRUELTY?
NO. THEY DON'T KILL THE WHALES.
THEY JUST CORNER THEM.
YOU WOULD BE AMAZED AT
HOW MUCH OIL THEY LET GO
WHEN THEY ARE REALLY SCARED.
FIND OUT WHAT ESKIMO MEN
HAVE KNOWN FOR CENTURIES.
AH, I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY
FAMILIAR WITH OUR BRONZER.
ALL RIGHTIE.
AVIANA, AVIANA, OVER HERE.
EXCUSE ME.
AVIANA, I'M FLAKING BAD.
I NEED SOME MORE SAMPLES.
I'M SORRY. ONLY THE
FIRST SAMPLE IS FREE.
NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY.
A SCRUB, HALF AN OUNCE.
I'LL GET THE MONEY.
YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT.
I'M SORRY.
MY SUPPLIERS WOULD
NEVER GO FOR THAT.
I SEE HOW THIS WORKS.
YOU REEL ME IN WITH
YOUR GLOSSY ADS,
GET ME HOOKED ON FREEBIES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'M
SCRAPING TOGETHER ENOUGH CASH
FOR A TUBE OF CONCEALER.
FINE. DON'T BUY IT THEN.
I HAVE PLENTY OF
OTHERS WHO WANT IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE
SAMPLE OF FIRMA DE TATA?
NO!
DON'T DO IT!
JUST SAY NO!
WHEN YOU CAN'T GO TO THE...
WHY DID I HAVE TO COME HERE?
I WAS HAPPY IN MY ROOM
FANTASIZING THAT AUGUST
DOESN'T HATE MY GUTS.
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
INFORMATION OFFICER.
YOU CAN DEFEAT A
SIMPLE DOOR LOCK.
HMM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS IS ILLEGAL.
NOW WE'RE BREAKING AND ENTERING.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
ME TO DO... BEAM YOU IN?
AHH.
SMELL.
[SNIFFS]
[SNIFFS]
WHAT?
MARY.
YOU AND I ARE PATHETIC.
WE'RE SUPERIOR BEINGS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
STUDYING THE HUMAN RACE,
NOT MOONING OVER CHICKS.
I'M OBSESSING.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
LOOK AROUND FOR A TRAVEL
BROCHURE OR ITINERARY.
NO, DICK. I HAVE TO GET HOME.
I HAVE TO WAIT FOR
AUGUST NOT TO CALL.
YOU DO THAT.
I'M GOING TO HANG
AROUND HERE FOR A WHILE.
DICK, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
DO ANYTHING CREEPY, ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT.
I'M JUST GOING TO RIFLE
THROUGH HER BELONGINGS.
AUGUST.
I, UH, JUST CAME
FOR MY BACKPACK.
OH, IT'S ON THE BED.
LISTEN, I RAN OUT
BECAUSE I WAS
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
DIFFERENT THAN OTHER GUYS.
OH, I AM DIFFERENT.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW DIFFERENT I AM.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT
TOTALLY TO BLAME
BECAUSE I KNOW I SENT
SOME REALLY MATURE SIGNALS.
O.K., I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.
I CAN FORGET THE PHYSICAL STUFF
AND JUST BE COMPLETELY
INTELLECTUAL ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I HOPE NOT ALL THE TIME.
AHH.
THANK GOD.
'CAUSE, FRANKLY, I
COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.
SOMETIMES YOU GO
WITH THE INTELLECTUAL,
SOMETIMES YOU GO
WITH THE PHYSICAL,
AND SOMETIMES JUST
CLOSENESS IS NICE.
WELL, HOW WHEN I
KNOW WHEN TO DO WHAT?
I'LL DECIDE THAT AS WE GO ALONG.
WHY, DR. ALBRIGHT,
YOU'RE BEING SO NAUGHTY.
WHAHH.
OH.
I JUST CAME BY TO FEED THE FISH.
ME, TOO.
GOOD MORNING, NINA.
GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.
DID I MISS ANYTHING?
HMM, NOT REALLY.
MARY!
YOU CAME BACK!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
WHEN HUMANS COME TOGETHER,
THEY... THEY CONNECT SOMEHOW.
AND WHEN ONE OF THEM GOES AWAY,
THEY PULL OUT A PART OF YOU.
DR. ALBRIGHT TOOK A
PIECE OF ME WHEN SHE LEFT.
AND WHEN SHE CAME
BACK, I FELT NORMAL AGAIN.
WELL, AS NORMAL AS ONE
CAN FEEL IN THESE BODIES.
HEY, WHILE WE'RE ON
THE SUBJECT OF BODIES,
WHY IS MINE HIGHER MAINTENANCE?
I THINK THE ECONOMY
RELIES ON IT.
HI, GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING NOW?
WELL, SURPRISINGLY, I GOT FIRED,
BUT PHILLIP FOUND ME A NEW JOB.
I AM NOW A FULL-TIME EMPLOYEE
AT THE SPARTACUS LOUNGE.
THAT'S GOOD, HARRY.
YOU KNOW, A MAN IS
NEVER REALLY COMPLETE
WHEN HE'S ALONE.
AND A WOMAN'S NOT COMPLETE
UNLESS SHE'S MAKING YOU BEG.
HOW DO THE MEN HERE SURVIVE
WHEN THE WOMEN GO AWAY?
THEY GO TO BARS.
YOU MEAN, THEY GET ALONG
WITHOUT THEIR WOMEN?
OH, THEY MAKE DO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE EARTH IS POPULATED
BY MILLIONS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AND THOSE WHO AREN'T BEAUTIFUL
HAVE GREAT PERSONALITIES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THE MOON AND STARS
THAT'S SO ROMANTIC.
I WISH THAT...
DR. ALBRIGHT WAS HERE
INSTEAD OF A GROUP OF
UNGRATEFUL SUBORDINATES.
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
VOGUE.
HA, LOOK AT THIS.
"STOMACHS ARE IN,
BREASTS ARE OUT."
WELL, THAT'S JUST BASIC ANATOMY.
HOLY COW.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?
THAT WOMAN HAS USED PRODUCTS
THAT PROMOTE MOIST-LOOKING
SKIN AND A VACANT LOOK.
WELL, GET SOME.
I'VE ALSO NOTICED, LIEUTENANT,
THAT MOST GIRLS SMELL
BETTER THAN YOU DO.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S MY JOB TO RESEARCH WOMEN,
SO I'LL GET SOME SOAP.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I
WANT TO SMELL NICE.
WELL, SALLY, YOU KNOW,
FRAGRANCE IS AN INTEGRAL PART
OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE...
THE SMELL OF
FLOWERS IN SPRINGTIME,
THE AROMA OF
FRESH-BAKED APPLE PIE...
A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET
WITH PINK AND ORANGE
STREAKING THE SKY.
HARRY, THAT'S A SIGHT,
NOT A SMELL.
OH, WELL, I KNEW IT WAS ONE
OF THOSE FACE-HOLE THINGS.
GOOD MORNING.
SHH. PLEASE.
I'M MEDITATING.
OH, MEDITATION.
INTERESTING.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M
FEELING STRESSED OUT,
I LIKE TO VISUALIZE MYSELF
IN A PEACEFUL PLACE.
DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT.
YOU GO ON.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
BREATHE.
AHH.
AND PICTURE A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
O.K.
YES. I'M THERE.
THERE'S A LOVELY BREEZE.
I'M WEARING A GAUZY DRESS.
A WAVE HITS ME.
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE I'VE LOST
THAT WINTER WEIGHT.
I TAKE OFF MY SHIRT.
THE SUN EMBRACES ME LIKE
THOUSANDS OF WARM FINGERS.
I'M RELAXED AND FREE.
EVEN MY HORSE SENSES YOUR CALM.
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR BIG
HORSE, HANDSOME STRANGER.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE
DISTRACTED BY MY CHISELED PECS.
JUST THEN, THEIR
SECRETARY ARRIVES TO SAY,
IT'S ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
FISH DAY IN THE CAFETERIA.
OOH, FISH. GREAT.
AH, YES.
FISH.
MY HORSE LIKES FISH.
DON'T WANDER OFF.
I'LL JUST BE A SECOND.
AND, YOU, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING
FROM THE FIRMA DE
TATA SKIN CARE LINE, MISS?
I'M LOOKING FOR SOAP.
ARE YOU OILY OR DRY?
DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU LOOK.
COMBINATION.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
OUR FOAMING FACE WASH,
DI BARA TATA?
IS IT SOAP?
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
AND TODAY, WE HAVE SPECIAL
ON OGLI DI FIRMA EYE CREAM.
NO. I JUST WANT SOAP.
HOW ARE YOU ON TONING GEL?
MI TROATA TAUTA IS A MUST.
IF IT'S SOAP, I'LL TAKE IT.
ARE YOU SLOUGHING?
WHAT WORDS ARE YOU
NOT UNDERSTANDING?
I NEED SOAP, JUST THE SOAP.
GIVE ME SOAP!
IF I CAN HELP OR
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
I'M ONYA.
I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME
THIS HUMAN OBSESSION WITH YOUTH
AND WHY THE COSMETICS INDUSTRY
PERPETUATES THIS
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.
HA.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, THAT WAS GREAT,
WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO HER.
I'VE SEEN YOU AT SCHOOL, RIGHT?
YEAH. I'VE SEEN YOU, TOO,
HIDING UNDER THE BLEACHERS
WATCHING THE CHEERLEADERS.
YOU DIDN'T STRIKE ME
AS MUCH OF A THINKER.
I'M AUGUST.
DON'T CALL ME AUGIE.
I'M TOMMY.
DON'T CALL ME AUGIE EITHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO DEPRESSING
HOW THE BABY BOOMERS
HAVE DISTORTED SOCIETY.
THEY SCREWED UP THE JOB MARKET,
FROZE MUSIC FOR 30 YEARS,
AND NOW THIS.
YEAH.
THEY'VE... THEY'VE
CREATED AN ENTIRE INDUSTRY
ATTEMPTING TO RECAPTURE
THE YOUTH THEY SQUANDERED.
TOMMY, YOU ARE INSANELY BRIGHT.
WELL, IT'S JUST HOW I FEEL.
"VERY BERRY LIP STAIN."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ME LIKE.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
OOH, THERE'S MY CAB.
I'M LATE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
THE AIRPORT.
I'D LOVE TO SEE THE AIRPORT.
LET'S MAKE A NIGHT OF IT.
I'LL JUST BE THERE
UNTIL MY PLANE LEAVES.
I'M GOING ON A LITTLE RETREAT.
RETREAT? YOU'RE GOING AWAY?
JUST FOR A WEEK.
A WEEK?
IS THERE A NUMBER
TO CALL IF I NEED YOU?
[HORN HONKS]
OOH, GOT TO GO.
BYE.
DR. ALBRIGHT.
HEY!
YOU FORGOT YOUR, UH...
YOU FORGOT YOUR...
ME!
HI.
CARE FOR A COMPLIMENTARY FACIAL
FROM ORCA SKIN CARE FOR MEN?
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
DON'T YOU DESERVE A LITTLE
TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF?
NO.
COME ON.
SIT DOWN.
RELAX.
OOH.
SOFT.
THANK YOU.
OW. OW. OW. OW.
YOU REALLY HAVE GREAT SKIN.
YOU PROBABLY STAY
AWAY FROM THE SUN.
WELL, AFTER ALMOST
CRASHING INTO IT,
YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON.
MOST MEN DON'T THINK THEY
HAVE TIME FOR PAMPERING...
BUT THEY'RE WRONG.
WELL, I'M REALLY
NOT LIKE MOST MEN.
I COULD TELL.
IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?
BOY, IS DICK GOING TO BE MAD.
HE KEEPS TELLING ME
THAT I NEED TO FIT IN.
WHO'S DICK?
HE'S MY HIGH COMMANDER.
OH, I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP
LIKE THAT ONCE.
NOW, DOESN'T THAT FEEL GOOD?
THE FIRST TIME IS
ALWAYS FABULOUS, ISN'T IT?
DICK!
OH, IT'S YOU.
HOW WAS YOUR SOAP RESEARCH?
IT'S MORE THAN SOAP, DICK.
IT'S A WHOLE REGIME.
AVIANA GAVE ME THESE
VIALS TO EXPERIMENT WITH.
O.K., THIS ONE DULLS MY SHINE.
THIS ONE BRINGS OUT MY GLOW.
I'M GOING TO PUT THEM BOTH ON
AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT.
WHO'S AVIANA?
SHE GAVE ME THIS.
AND EXPECTED NOTHING IN RETURN?
SO, DOES ANYBODY
NOTICE ANYTHING...
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
YOUR TEETH LOOK WHITER.
YOU THINK I'VE BEEN
MOUNTAIN BIKING.
BUT NO.
IT'S ORCA SUNLESS
SEA BRONZER FOR MEN.
PHILLIP SAYS THAT IT GIVES
THE ILLUSION OF BEING IN THE SUN
WITHOUT ALL THE ELASTIN DAMAGE.
WHO'S PHILLIP?
MY SKIN CARE SPECIALIST.
HE TAUGHT ME THAT MY
SELF-ESTEEM DOES NOT RELY
ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME,
BUT INSTEAD ON HOW I LOOK.
WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
OH, WELL, THE PEOPLE
AT THE PERSONNEL OFFICE
DIDN'T SEEM TO THINK SO.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW
ORCA POUR HOMME REPRESENTATIVE.
I GET TO WEAR A SAILOR SUIT.
WHERE'S TOMMY?
HE'S WITH HIS NEW
GIRLFRIEND AUGUST.
AUGUST, PHILLIP, AVIANA...
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
WHAT KIND OF A
STORE DID YOU GO TO?
THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS WE MADE.
TRY IT.
JUST BECAUSE I'VE DEVELOPED
A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE WOMAN,
AT THE EXPENSE OF DEVELOPING A
RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY OTHER HUMAN,
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I
DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
I'VE GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS.
WHO?
WILLY, STEVE, AND...
CARPET GIANT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?
YOU'RE IN A CHEERFUL MOOD.
DID YOU FORGET THAT
DR. ALBRIGHT IS GONE?
NOPE.
NINA, DO YOU HAVE THE NUMBER
WHERE DR. ALBRIGHT IS STAYING?
YEP.
COULD YOU GET HER
ON THE PHONE FOR ME?
SHE SAID NO CALLS.
YOU WORK FOR ME, TOO.
WHEN I ASK YOU TO
DO SOMETHING, DO IT,
NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
HA HA HA.
HA HA HA.
WHOO.
THANK YOU.
WHY'D YOU BRING ME HERE?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE A NICE CHANCE
FOR US FRIENDS TO CATCH UP.
UH-HUH.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN AT PENDELTON, NINA?
THREE YEARS.
MY, THAT'S A LONG TIME.
YOU'RE GOING TO
FIRE ME, AREN'T YOU?
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I WON'T GIVE
YOU THE PHONE NUMBER.
IF YOU THINK I WON'T
CAUSE A SCENE,
YOU HAD BETTER THINK AGAIN
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO
TELL YOU WHAT I THINK
OF YOU AND THE LOSER
SCHOOL THAT OWNS YOU.
BECAUSE I, NINA
CAMPBELL, AM QUITTING.
I WORKED DAMN HARD FOR YOU.
NINA, SIT DOWN.
I'M NOT FIRING YOU.
YOU'RE NOT?
NO.
OH.
O.K.
UM, I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY ORDER.
BRING ME THE RACK OF LAMB
AND A BEEFEATER MARTINI,
STRAIGHT-UP WITH AN OLIVE.
BUT ABOUT
DR. ALBRIGHT'S NUMBER...
DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.
DICK, I MADE YOU A SANDWICH.
AREN'T YOU EVER COMING HOME?
NOT UNTIL I FIND OUT WHERE
DR. ALBRIGHT IS STAYING.
OH, MAMA, WALK THAT AROUND!
WHY DID I SAY THAT?
EVERYWHERE I GO, MEN
JUST REACT LIKE THAT,
EVEN CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.
YOU KNOW, THIS STUFF
CHANGES YOU SOMEHOW.
IT'S LIKE THE CLOGGED PORES
KEEP YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
FROM ESCAPING.
I THINK I LIKE IT.
SHE MUST HAVE LEFT HER NUMBER.
SHE KEEPS EVERYTHING.
SHE'S SO ANAL.
DICK, WILL YOU DROP IT?
WE'LL JUST BUILD
ANOTHER ALBRIGHT.
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.
WE HAVE THE LEFTOVER FLESH.
I COULD REALLY USE THE
EXTRA FREEZER SPACE.
THERE IS ONLY ONE DR. ALBRIGHT.
CALM DOWN.
I NEED TO TALK TO HER RIGHT NOW!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!
THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.
[SNIFFS]
YOU SMELL GREAT.
YOU KNOW, TOMMY, YOU
REALLY HAVE AN OLD SOUL.
I LIKE IT.
OH, YOU DO?
WELL, UM, IT IS
REALLY, REALLY OLD.
SO, DICK'S NOT YOUR
REAL FATHER, IS HE?
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YOU SEEM TO HAVE
THIS LOYALTY TO HIM,
BUT NO REAL
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
TOMMY, HAVE I UPSET YOU?
NO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO
LOOK DOWN YOUR BLOUSE.
WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW HOW I
EVER COULD'VE EXPECTED
A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY,
AND I EMPHASIZE "BOY,"
TO BE ABLE TO SEPARATE
MY BODY FROM MY MIND.
BUT WAIT, AUGUST.
THEY'RE ATTACHED.
WAIT. HOLD ON.
WAIT. COME BACK. WAIT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY
FAMILY SOME MORE.
THEY'RE REALLY SCREWED UP.
YOU HEARD ME.
[SPEAKING THAI]
WELL, SHE'S NOT AT
THE BANGKOK SHERATON.
WHEN YOU CAN'T GO TO THE SEA,
THE SEA COMES TO YOU
WITH ORCA.
DOESN'T "ORCA" MEAN WHALE?
YES.
ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS ARE
DERIVED FROM ESSENTIAL WHALE OILS.
ALL THE GOODNESS OF WHALE.
ISN'T THAT ANIMAL CRUELTY?
NO. THEY DON'T KILL THE WHALES.
THEY JUST CORNER THEM.
YOU WOULD BE AMAZED AT
HOW MUCH OIL THEY LET GO
WHEN THEY ARE REALLY SCARED.
FIND OUT WHAT ESKIMO MEN
HAVE KNOWN FOR CENTURIES.
AH, I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY
FAMILIAR WITH OUR BRONZER.
ALL RIGHTIE.
AVIANA, AVIANA, OVER HERE.
EXCUSE ME.
AVIANA, I'M FLAKING BAD.
I NEED SOME MORE SAMPLES.
I'M SORRY. ONLY THE
FIRST SAMPLE IS FREE.
NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY.
A SCRUB, HALF AN OUNCE.
I'LL GET THE MONEY.
YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT.
I'M SORRY.
MY SUPPLIERS WOULD
NEVER GO FOR THAT.
I SEE HOW THIS WORKS.
YOU REEL ME IN WITH
YOUR GLOSSY ADS,
GET ME HOOKED ON FREEBIES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'M
SCRAPING TOGETHER ENOUGH CASH
FOR A TUBE OF CONCEALER.
FINE. DON'T BUY IT THEN.
I HAVE PLENTY OF
OTHERS WHO WANT IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE
SAMPLE OF FIRMA DE TATA?
NO!
DON'T DO IT!
JUST SAY NO!
WHEN YOU CAN'T GO TO THE...
WHY DID I HAVE TO COME HERE?
I WAS HAPPY IN MY ROOM
FANTASIZING THAT AUGUST
DOESN'T HATE MY GUTS.
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
INFORMATION OFFICER.
YOU CAN DEFEAT A
SIMPLE DOOR LOCK.
HMM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS IS ILLEGAL.
NOW WE'RE BREAKING AND ENTERING.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
ME TO DO... BEAM YOU IN?
AHH.
SMELL.
[SNIFFS]
[SNIFFS]
WHAT?
MARY.
YOU AND I ARE PATHETIC.
WE'RE SUPERIOR BEINGS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
STUDYING THE HUMAN RACE,
NOT MOONING OVER CHICKS.
I'M OBSESSING.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
LOOK AROUND FOR A TRAVEL
BROCHURE OR ITINERARY.
NO, DICK. I HAVE TO GET HOME.
I HAVE TO WAIT FOR
AUGUST NOT TO CALL.
YOU DO THAT.
I'M GOING TO HANG
AROUND HERE FOR A WHILE.
DICK, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
DO ANYTHING CREEPY, ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT.
I'M JUST GOING TO RIFLE
THROUGH HER BELONGINGS.
AUGUST.
I, UH, JUST CAME
FOR MY BACKPACK.
OH, IT'S ON THE BED.
LISTEN, I RAN OUT
BECAUSE I WAS
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
DIFFERENT THAN OTHER GUYS.
OH, I AM DIFFERENT.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW DIFFERENT I AM.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT
TOTALLY TO BLAME
BECAUSE I KNOW I SENT
SOME REALLY MATURE SIGNALS.
O.K., I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.
I CAN FORGET THE PHYSICAL STUFF
AND JUST BE COMPLETELY
INTELLECTUAL ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I HOPE NOT ALL THE TIME.
AHH.
THANK GOD.
'CAUSE, FRANKLY, I
COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.
SOMETIMES YOU GO
WITH THE INTELLECTUAL,
SOMETIMES YOU GO
WITH THE PHYSICAL,
AND SOMETIMES JUST
CLOSENESS IS NICE.
WELL, HOW WHEN I
KNOW WHEN TO DO WHAT?
I'LL DECIDE THAT AS WE GO ALONG.
WHY, DR. ALBRIGHT,
YOU'RE BEING SO NAUGHTY.
WHAHH.
OH.
I JUST CAME BY TO FEED THE FISH.
ME, TOO.
GOOD MORNING, NINA.
GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.
DID I MISS ANYTHING?
HMM, NOT REALLY.
MARY!
YOU CAME BACK!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
WHEN HUMANS COME TOGETHER,
THEY... THEY CONNECT SOMEHOW.
AND WHEN ONE OF THEM GOES AWAY,
THEY PULL OUT A PART OF YOU.
DR. ALBRIGHT TOOK A
PIECE OF ME WHEN SHE LEFT.
AND WHEN SHE CAME
BACK, I FELT NORMAL AGAIN.
WELL, AS NORMAL AS ONE
CAN FEEL IN THESE BODIES.
HEY, WHILE WE'RE ON
THE SUBJECT OF BODIES,
WHY IS MINE HIGHER MAINTENANCE?
I THINK THE ECONOMY
RELIES ON IT.
HI, GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING NOW?
WELL, SURPRISINGLY, I GOT FIRED,
BUT PHILLIP FOUND ME A NEW JOB.
I AM NOW A FULL-TIME EMPLOYEE
AT THE SPARTACUS LOUNGE.
THAT'S GOOD, HARRY.
YOU KNOW, A MAN IS
NEVER REALLY COMPLETE
WHEN HE'S ALONE.
AND A WOMAN'S NOT COMPLETE
UNLESS SHE'S MAKING YOU BEG.
HOW DO THE MEN HERE SURVIVE
WHEN THE WOMEN GO AWAY?
THEY GO TO BARS.
YOU MEAN, THEY GET ALONG
WITHOUT THEIR WOMEN?
OH, THEY MAKE DO.
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