3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 6 - Green-Eyed Dick - full transcript
An old boyfriend of Dr. Albright shows up and Dick experiences what jealousy is.
AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THEY SAY EARTH STARTED
WITH JUST TWO HUMANS.
NOW THERE ARE FIVE BILLION.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO
TURN A HOSE ON THEM.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
AND THE WINNING
LOTTERY NUMBERS ARE
2... 21...
51... 9...
27...
AND 48.
YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
WE WON AGAIN!
OH! THAT WAS FUN!
A DOLLAR WELL-SPENT!
IF LUCK WERE
MONEY, WE'D BE RICH.
HEY! LOOK AT THEM!
THEY'RE NOT KISSING.
THEY'RE NOT GROPING.
THEY'RE...
OH, I KNOW THIS... CUDDLING.
CUDDLING IS INTERESTING.
IT'S BOTH ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL.
BUT IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
IT IMPLIES AN
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.
HOW DO YOU ESTABLISH
THAT WITH A WOMAN?
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WOMAN.
FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS,
BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN FIGURED OUT
HOW TO TAKE OFF MY BRA YET.
I WANT TO HUG.
I WANT TO HUG
DR. ALBRIGHT RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S NOT HERE.
I HAVE TO HUG SOMEBODY.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITH YOU.
WELL, MY HEART
WASN'T IN IT, EITHER.
I JUST LET YOU DO IT 'CAUSE
YOU'RE HIGH COMMANDER.
I FEEL SO CHEAP.
DICK, I CAN'T TAKE THIS
HOUSEWORK ANYMORE.
I WAS PUT ON THIS MISSION
BECAUSE OF MY MILITARY SKILLS.
THESE HANDS ARE LETHAL WEAPONS.
NOW THEY'RE RED AND DRY
FROM HARSH DETERGENTS.
STOP COMPLAINING.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT
IS TO BE THE WOMAN,
JUST LIKE TOMMY'S ASSIGNMENT
IS TO STUDY EARTH CULTURE.
AND I'M ON IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M READING BETTY
AND VERONICA'S SUMMER FUN.
MY GOD! THESE ARE
HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS?
O.K., YOU GUYS.
I WAS OUT WALKING, AND
SOMEONE STARTED FOLLOWING ME.
HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU LET HIM IN OUR HOME?
WELL, YEAH. HE MIGHT
BE WORTH STUDYING.
COME ON IN!
WHAT A GOOD LITTLE MAN!
HARRY, THAT'S A DOG.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE
JUST SO QUICK TO LABEL.
HE'S SO HUGGABLE.
OH, MAMA!
I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE OFFICE!
AND DR. ALBRIGHT!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO WITH HIM?
I'M GOING TO START BY
ESTABLISHING COMMUNICATION.
OH. HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIEND.
[ARF ARF]
WHAT'S HE TRYING TO SAY?
HE SAID THAT LASSIE'S A GUY.
GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
I HAVE YOUR PHYSICS BOOK.
THANK YOU.
OH! PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A HUGGER.
OH.
LOOK WHO I FOUND
WANDERING DOWN THE HALLS.
MARY!
OH, MY GOD!
OOH!
OH!
OH!
OH! UH, DR. RICHARD SOLOMON,
THIS IS DR. JEFF WILLIS,
MY OLD, DEAR FRIEND.
HI.
ACTUALLY, MARY AND I
USED TO SHARE THIS OFFICE.
AMONG OTHER THINGS.
NINA!
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN?
A BOOK SIGNING. MY
NOVEL'S BEEN PUBLISHED.
ECHOES OF MY STEPFATHER.
YES!
YOU'VE FINALLY FINISHED.
OH, IT'S WONDERFUL!
I'VE GOT TO GET TO CLASS!
WE HAVE GOT TO GET
TOGETHER AND CATCH UP.
YOU GOT IT.
CALL ME... OOH!
OH!
SHE IS SOMETHING ELSE.
HMM! I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW GOOD YOU LOOK.
YOU STILL PLAYING RACQUETBALL?
EVERY DAY!
I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT MORE!
YOU DON'T PLAY RACQUETBALL.
OH, HO HO HO HO!
POOR, SWEET,
MISGUIDED AMNESIAC NINA!
OF COURSE I DO!
I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO
KILL. I'D LOVE TO PLAY.
I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO PLAY.
I'D LOVE TO KILL.
CAN I HELP YOU?
NO, THANKS. JUST LOOKING.
HEY! IT SAYS MEN ON THE DOOR.
AND YOU MADE THE CUT?
THERE YOU ARE.
HERE'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT RACQUETBALL.
THANKS FOR BRINGING
THIS, LIEUTENANT.
I WAS STARTING TO TALK
TO THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES,
SO I FIGURED I'D
BETTER TAKE A WALK.
OH, THIS IS JUST
NEWTONIAN PHYSICS.
TRAJECTORY AND VELOCITY.
AN IMBECILIC BABY COULD DO IT.
WELL, I'M OFF TO THE GAMES!
PLAY FIERCELY AND
ANNIHILATE YOUR OPPONENT.
AS IT ALWAYS WAS
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
HEY!
IT'S DRY ALREADY.
PUT YOUR SHORTS ON.
I WON!
I WON!
I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!
DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? I WON.
CONGRATULATIONS, DICK.
OH! THAT WAS SO EASY!
YOU OFFERED ME
NO CHALLENGE AT ALL.
YEAH, I WAS KIND OF OFF MY GAME.
OFF YOUR GAME?
YOU PLAYED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
TOO BAD MARY
WASN'T HERE TO SEE IT.
THAT REMINDS ME. I GOT TO RUN.
I'M MEETING HER FOR LUNCH.
WELL, I HOPE YOU
TWO GIRLS HAVE FUN.
WHY AM I SO HOSTILE
TO THIS JEFF PERSON?
HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ME.
IN FACT, HE SEEMS LIKE A
PERFECTLY TOLERABLE TWIT.
BUT FOR SOME REASON, I HATE HIM
JUST BECAUSE
DR. ALBRIGHT LIKES HIM! WHY?
IT'S CALLED JEALOUSY, DICK.
IT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO MOOSE
WHEN REGGIE FLIRTS WITH MIDGE.
IF YOU'D READ A LITTLE, YOU'D
KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ.
LIEUTENANT, GET OUT HERE!
I HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
YES! FINALLY!
I WANT YOU TO FIND OUT
WHAT MAKES A MAN SO IRRESISTIBLE
THAT A WOMAN HAS NO
INTEREST IN ANY OTHER MAN.
THAT'S STILL A CHICK JOB!
YES.
BUT IT'S ALSO A CHICK JOB
TO HELP THE HIGH
COMMANDER SCORE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT LOVE, DICK?
I'LL SHOW YOU LOVE.
SCRUFFY, COME HERE!
COME HERE.
OH, SEE? HE LOVES
ME FOR NO REASON.
HE LIVES JUST TO BASK
IN THE LIGHT OF MY SMILE.
AND THE BEST THING IS WE
BOTH SCARE THE MAILMAN.
[MOANS]
WHY CAN'T DR. ALBRIGHT
LEAP INTO MY LAP
AND LICK MY FACE?
WELL, SOME BREEDS ARE
MORE SKITTISH THAN OTHERS.
YOU TWO WERE HERE LAST NIGHT.
MISS?
MISS!
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN A RELATIONSHIP.
WHY'D YOU PICK THIS GUY?
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
HEY. I'M TALKING TO THE LADY.
HE'S NOT TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE,
HIS CLOTHES LACK TASTE,
AND HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
UH, I WOULDN'T SAY...
AH, IT'S THE CAR, ISN'T IT?
NO.
Yes, it's the car.
THANK YOU.
[SLAPS LEG]
[WHISTLES]
[KISSING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TEMPTING YOU WITH THE
GREAT TASTE OF BACON.
[KISSING]
I'M GOING TO TAKE
THESE FOLDERS INTO NINA,
AND WHEN I COME
BACK, YOU'LL BE GONE.
HI. MARY HERE?
OH, UH, NO. SHE JUST
LEFT FOR CLEVELAND.
OH, LOOK. SHE'S BACK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M ON MY WAY TO A MEETING,
BUT I WANTED TO STOP OFF
AND GIVE YOU A PRESENT.
"THANKS FOR BUGGING
ME TO WRITE MY BOOK."
OH, JEFF!
IT'S A THIMBLE. I COLLECT THEM.
IT'S AN ANCIENT UKRAINIAN
QUILTING THIMBLE.
THERE WASN'T TIME TO GET
THE WRITING TRANSLATED.
YOU'VE BEEN BUSY WITH THE BOOK.
SPEAKING OF TIME,
DON'T YOU HAVE A MEETING?
RIGHT. I GOT TO GO. BYE.
OHH...
OH, DAMN. THEY DID IT AGAIN.
OH.
I'LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE
WHO CAN TRANSLATE UKRAINIAN.
THAT'S NOT
UKRAINIAN. IT'S TURKISH.
LOOK, THERE'S A DIACRITICAL
MARK OVER THE "O."
[READING TURKISH]
WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
"MAY THESE ALWAYS POINT ME
TOWARD THE SPOILS OF WAR."
THIS ISN'T A THIMBLE.
IT'S TURKISH NIPPLE ARMOR.
HA HA HA.
IN FACT, IT'S VERY VALUABLE.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE THE PAIR.
DON'T TELL JEFF. THIS
WILL BE OUR SECRET.
YES. OUR SECRET.
IT'LL BE SOMETHING
JEFF WILL NEVER HAVE.
WELL, IT'S THE
THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
THIS MUST HAVE
BEEN VERY EXPENSIVE.
SO YOU LIKE EXPENSIVE THINGS?
NO.
SOME OF MY FAVORITE
THINGS IN LIFE COST NOTHING.
A PICNIC ON A SUNNY DAY,
A LOVELY POEM READ ALOUD,
WATCHING MY FRIENDS FAIL.
I'LL WRITE A POEM ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS FAILING
TO READ YOU ALOUD
ON A SUNNY PICNIC.
THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
HOW ABOUT SATURDAY AFTERNOON?
WHY NOT?
I HAVE A DATE.
JEFF DOESN'T HAVE A DATE,
BUT I HAVE A DATE.
YES!
[BANG]
WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES.
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
WOMEN WHO LOVE TO READ
ABOUT WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU TWO HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER WHAT? 100, 150 YEARS.
42 THIS APRIL.
42 YEARS. IMPRESSIVE.
YOU MUST'VE KNOWN HE WAS
SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL, HUH?
TELL ME, WHY DID YOU PICK HIM?
WELL, HE WAS VERY SWEET...
AND AFFECTIONATE.
HE HAD A REAL FLAIR FOR ROMANCE.
IT WAS THE CAR, WASN'T IT?
THAT WAS THE CLINCHER.
OH, FINALLY. DID YOU GET 'EM?
YES.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.
WE'VE FLOWN A LOT OF MISSIONS.
I'D EVEN PUT OUT
THE SUN FOR YOU,
BUT IF YOU SEND ME OUT FOR
WOMEN'S MAGAZINES AGAIN,
I'LL KILL YOU.
THIS MAY SOUND SILLY TO YOU,
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH
DR. ALBRIGHT. HELP ME HERE.
THEY'RE POINTLESS.
THEY'RE MIND-ALTERING.
THEY IMPOSE ARBITRARY
STANDARDS ON WOMEN.
IT'S LIKE PROPAGANDA FOR
SOME SORT OF ESTROGEN CULT.
JUST READ.
O.K.
O.K. HERE'S A TOPIC. YOU
COULD DISCUSS BIOLOGY.
WHY?
ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY,
7 OUT OF 10 WOMEN HAVE
MULTIPLE ORGANISMS.
I WON'T DO IT.
YOU HAVE TO.
NO, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
CHECK THE LEASE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
MISS DUBCEK
DOESN'T LIKE SCRUFFY.
THE LEASE SAYS NO PETS.
BUT HE'S SO CUTE.
NO. I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS.
MY THROAT CLOSES
OFF, AND I CAN'T BREATHE.
HE'S SO CUTE.
SORRY, NO. THE
POOCH CANNOT STAY.
BUT HE'S SO CUTE!
NO.
[DOOR SLAMS]
THAT'S TOO BAD, HARRY.
GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YES.
SCRUFFY AND I MUST
KILL MISS DUBCEK...
AND HIDE HER BODY
UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS.
WELL...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WE'RE GOING ON OUR PICNIC.
DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE?
NO. WHY?
OH, MY GOD. I'M
SORRY. I HAD TO CANCEL.
CANCEL?
IT'S JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING PARTY.
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I BEAT HIM IN RACQUETBALL.
I CAN'T MISS IT. HE
DEDICATED HIS NOVEL TO ME.
OH, NO. YOU CAN'T MISS THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU COME?
COME?
OH, NO. I HAVE TO TAKE
MY BLACK FOREST HAM,
WHEEL OF BRIE,
CABERNET SAUVIGNON,
MY LIMOGE TRIVET, AND SET
THEM ABLAZE IN A BONFIRE
AS A TRIBUTE...
TO JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING.
EXCUSE ME. I'M
LOOKING FOR JEFF WILLIS.
HE'S WITH HIS PUBLICIST.
HE'LL BE OUT SHORTLY.
YOU A FRIEND?
UH, YES. I'M VERY CLOSE
TO THE STEAMING PUSTULE.
HARRY, I'VE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.
HER LITTLE GIRL NEEDS A DOG.
OH, HE'S PERFECT.
OH, NO. SCRUFFY'S NOT
ABOUT TO RUIN HIS LIFE
OVER SOME BLONDE HE
MET AT A COCKTAIL PARTY.
UH-UH.
NO.
THE MAN OF THE HOUR!
OH, GOD.
YOU THINK YOU'RE
PRETTY CLEVER, DON'T YOU?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
EVERY WORD IN YOUR BOOK
WAS PUBLISHED YEARS AGO!
PERHAPS YOU'VE READ...
THE DICTIONARY.
YOU INVITED ME.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
I CHALLENGE YOU
FOR THE HAND OF THE
WOMAN WE BOTH LOVE.
EMILY. I KNEW YOU
WERE CHEATING ON ME.
NO, HE'S LYING. I SWEAR.
YOU LOVE HER?
MY OWN WIFE?
YOU LOVE HER?
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.
LAY OFF HER. I'VE BEEN
SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE.
MY OWN BROTHER?
ONE QUICK ANSWER. YOU LOVE HER?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THE SEX IS GREAT!
YOU SATANIC BASTARD!
OH!
YOU FRAUD!
INTERESTING FAMILY.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
THIS IS VERY HARD
FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?
IT'S THE HARDEST
THING I'VE HAD TO DO
IN MY ENTIRE TIME
ON THIS PLANET.
SCRUFFY, COME HERE.
YOU'RE GETTING ON
MY NERVES, MUTT,
SO TAKE A HIKE.
GO WITH THE KID.
I'M BAD NEWS, JUNIOR.
I'M TROUBLE, I TELL YOU.
JUST GO.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
WALK HIM TO OUR PLACE?
OH, SURE.
HARRY, YOU CAN COME OVER
AND PLAY WITH SCRUFFY ANY TIME.
REALLY?
YEAH. WE'D LOVE IT.
AFTER MY EX-HUSBAND,
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
A MAN WHO'S SO CARING.
OH.
WELL...
JEFF'S BROTHER
NEEDS HIS JAW WIRED.
HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
THAT'S FINE. I'M MAD AT YOU.
WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
YOU'RE THE EXPERT. YOU TELL ME.
DR. SOLOMON, WHAT
DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I WANT...
I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.
OH.
ARE YOU SURPRISED?
TO BE HONEST...
NOT REALLY.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL...
HONESTLY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT...
SEEMS ODD. IT'S LIKE
YOU WERE OUT OF SYNCH
WITH EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.
I GO OUT OF MY WAY DOING
THINGS THAT APPEAR NORMAL.
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
WHAT ELSE?
YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE FEELING
EVERYTHING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL
OVER YOUR EMOTIONS.
YOU TRIED TO FEED
ME DOGGIE TREATS.
AND?
YOU'RE MOVING WAY TOO FAST.
WHATEVER IS GOING
TO HAPPEN BETWEEN US,
LET'S LET IT EVOLVE NATURALLY.
I CAN GO ALONG WITH THAT.
GOOD.
WHY DON'T WE SHAKE ON IT?
LET'S HUG ON IT.
THAT'S TOO FAST.
DR. ALBRIGHT, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE IMPORTANCE.
IT GIVES MY LIFE A MEANING
I'VE ONLY DREAMED OF.
ALL RIGHT.
NO. I CAN'T HUG
UNDER THIS PRESSURE.
TRY.
THERE.
THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY.
YOU KNOW, JEALOUSY
DEFIES ALL LOGIC.
JEFF'S A NICE PERSON.
DR. ALBRIGHT'S A NICE PERSON.
THE THOUGHT OF THEM BEING HAPPY
TOGETHER JUST MADE ME CRAZY.
YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?
CLARK KENT GETS JEALOUS
BECAUSE LOIS LANE
LIKES SUPERMAN.
NOW, THAT IS CRAZY.
DICK, YOU KNOW,
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT
WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN.
THEY WANT HIM TO DRIVE
A BIG, POWERFUL VEHICLE.
YOU SAYING I SHOULD
BE A BUS DRIVER?
YOU'LL BE BEATING
THEM OFF WITH A STICK.
DICK, TO GET WHAT YOU
WANT FROM THE LADIES,
THE ANSWER'S SIMPLE.
WHAT?
GET A DOG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HARRY, YOU DIDN'T...
NO. HA HA HA.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THEY SAY EARTH STARTED
WITH JUST TWO HUMANS.
NOW THERE ARE FIVE BILLION.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO
TURN A HOSE ON THEM.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
AND THE WINNING
LOTTERY NUMBERS ARE
2... 21...
51... 9...
27...
AND 48.
YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
WE WON AGAIN!
OH! THAT WAS FUN!
A DOLLAR WELL-SPENT!
IF LUCK WERE
MONEY, WE'D BE RICH.
HEY! LOOK AT THEM!
THEY'RE NOT KISSING.
THEY'RE NOT GROPING.
THEY'RE...
OH, I KNOW THIS... CUDDLING.
CUDDLING IS INTERESTING.
IT'S BOTH ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL.
BUT IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
IT IMPLIES AN
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.
HOW DO YOU ESTABLISH
THAT WITH A WOMAN?
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WOMAN.
FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS,
BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN FIGURED OUT
HOW TO TAKE OFF MY BRA YET.
I WANT TO HUG.
I WANT TO HUG
DR. ALBRIGHT RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S NOT HERE.
I HAVE TO HUG SOMEBODY.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITH YOU.
WELL, MY HEART
WASN'T IN IT, EITHER.
I JUST LET YOU DO IT 'CAUSE
YOU'RE HIGH COMMANDER.
I FEEL SO CHEAP.
DICK, I CAN'T TAKE THIS
HOUSEWORK ANYMORE.
I WAS PUT ON THIS MISSION
BECAUSE OF MY MILITARY SKILLS.
THESE HANDS ARE LETHAL WEAPONS.
NOW THEY'RE RED AND DRY
FROM HARSH DETERGENTS.
STOP COMPLAINING.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT
IS TO BE THE WOMAN,
JUST LIKE TOMMY'S ASSIGNMENT
IS TO STUDY EARTH CULTURE.
AND I'M ON IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M READING BETTY
AND VERONICA'S SUMMER FUN.
MY GOD! THESE ARE
HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS?
O.K., YOU GUYS.
I WAS OUT WALKING, AND
SOMEONE STARTED FOLLOWING ME.
HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU LET HIM IN OUR HOME?
WELL, YEAH. HE MIGHT
BE WORTH STUDYING.
COME ON IN!
WHAT A GOOD LITTLE MAN!
HARRY, THAT'S A DOG.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE
JUST SO QUICK TO LABEL.
HE'S SO HUGGABLE.
OH, MAMA!
I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE OFFICE!
AND DR. ALBRIGHT!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO WITH HIM?
I'M GOING TO START BY
ESTABLISHING COMMUNICATION.
OH. HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIEND.
[ARF ARF]
WHAT'S HE TRYING TO SAY?
HE SAID THAT LASSIE'S A GUY.
GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
I HAVE YOUR PHYSICS BOOK.
THANK YOU.
OH! PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A HUGGER.
OH.
LOOK WHO I FOUND
WANDERING DOWN THE HALLS.
MARY!
OH, MY GOD!
OOH!
OH!
OH!
OH! UH, DR. RICHARD SOLOMON,
THIS IS DR. JEFF WILLIS,
MY OLD, DEAR FRIEND.
HI.
ACTUALLY, MARY AND I
USED TO SHARE THIS OFFICE.
AMONG OTHER THINGS.
NINA!
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN?
A BOOK SIGNING. MY
NOVEL'S BEEN PUBLISHED.
ECHOES OF MY STEPFATHER.
YES!
YOU'VE FINALLY FINISHED.
OH, IT'S WONDERFUL!
I'VE GOT TO GET TO CLASS!
WE HAVE GOT TO GET
TOGETHER AND CATCH UP.
YOU GOT IT.
CALL ME... OOH!
OH!
SHE IS SOMETHING ELSE.
HMM! I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW GOOD YOU LOOK.
YOU STILL PLAYING RACQUETBALL?
EVERY DAY!
I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT MORE!
YOU DON'T PLAY RACQUETBALL.
OH, HO HO HO HO!
POOR, SWEET,
MISGUIDED AMNESIAC NINA!
OF COURSE I DO!
I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO
KILL. I'D LOVE TO PLAY.
I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO PLAY.
I'D LOVE TO KILL.
CAN I HELP YOU?
NO, THANKS. JUST LOOKING.
HEY! IT SAYS MEN ON THE DOOR.
AND YOU MADE THE CUT?
THERE YOU ARE.
HERE'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT RACQUETBALL.
THANKS FOR BRINGING
THIS, LIEUTENANT.
I WAS STARTING TO TALK
TO THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES,
SO I FIGURED I'D
BETTER TAKE A WALK.
OH, THIS IS JUST
NEWTONIAN PHYSICS.
TRAJECTORY AND VELOCITY.
AN IMBECILIC BABY COULD DO IT.
WELL, I'M OFF TO THE GAMES!
PLAY FIERCELY AND
ANNIHILATE YOUR OPPONENT.
AS IT ALWAYS WAS
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
HEY!
IT'S DRY ALREADY.
PUT YOUR SHORTS ON.
I WON!
I WON!
I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!
DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? I WON.
CONGRATULATIONS, DICK.
OH! THAT WAS SO EASY!
YOU OFFERED ME
NO CHALLENGE AT ALL.
YEAH, I WAS KIND OF OFF MY GAME.
OFF YOUR GAME?
YOU PLAYED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
TOO BAD MARY
WASN'T HERE TO SEE IT.
THAT REMINDS ME. I GOT TO RUN.
I'M MEETING HER FOR LUNCH.
WELL, I HOPE YOU
TWO GIRLS HAVE FUN.
WHY AM I SO HOSTILE
TO THIS JEFF PERSON?
HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ME.
IN FACT, HE SEEMS LIKE A
PERFECTLY TOLERABLE TWIT.
BUT FOR SOME REASON, I HATE HIM
JUST BECAUSE
DR. ALBRIGHT LIKES HIM! WHY?
IT'S CALLED JEALOUSY, DICK.
IT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO MOOSE
WHEN REGGIE FLIRTS WITH MIDGE.
IF YOU'D READ A LITTLE, YOU'D
KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ.
LIEUTENANT, GET OUT HERE!
I HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
YES! FINALLY!
I WANT YOU TO FIND OUT
WHAT MAKES A MAN SO IRRESISTIBLE
THAT A WOMAN HAS NO
INTEREST IN ANY OTHER MAN.
THAT'S STILL A CHICK JOB!
YES.
BUT IT'S ALSO A CHICK JOB
TO HELP THE HIGH
COMMANDER SCORE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT LOVE, DICK?
I'LL SHOW YOU LOVE.
SCRUFFY, COME HERE!
COME HERE.
OH, SEE? HE LOVES
ME FOR NO REASON.
HE LIVES JUST TO BASK
IN THE LIGHT OF MY SMILE.
AND THE BEST THING IS WE
BOTH SCARE THE MAILMAN.
[MOANS]
WHY CAN'T DR. ALBRIGHT
LEAP INTO MY LAP
AND LICK MY FACE?
WELL, SOME BREEDS ARE
MORE SKITTISH THAN OTHERS.
YOU TWO WERE HERE LAST NIGHT.
MISS?
MISS!
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN A RELATIONSHIP.
WHY'D YOU PICK THIS GUY?
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
HEY. I'M TALKING TO THE LADY.
HE'S NOT TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE,
HIS CLOTHES LACK TASTE,
AND HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
UH, I WOULDN'T SAY...
AH, IT'S THE CAR, ISN'T IT?
NO.
Yes, it's the car.
THANK YOU.
[SLAPS LEG]
[WHISTLES]
[KISSING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TEMPTING YOU WITH THE
GREAT TASTE OF BACON.
[KISSING]
I'M GOING TO TAKE
THESE FOLDERS INTO NINA,
AND WHEN I COME
BACK, YOU'LL BE GONE.
HI. MARY HERE?
OH, UH, NO. SHE JUST
LEFT FOR CLEVELAND.
OH, LOOK. SHE'S BACK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M ON MY WAY TO A MEETING,
BUT I WANTED TO STOP OFF
AND GIVE YOU A PRESENT.
"THANKS FOR BUGGING
ME TO WRITE MY BOOK."
OH, JEFF!
IT'S A THIMBLE. I COLLECT THEM.
IT'S AN ANCIENT UKRAINIAN
QUILTING THIMBLE.
THERE WASN'T TIME TO GET
THE WRITING TRANSLATED.
YOU'VE BEEN BUSY WITH THE BOOK.
SPEAKING OF TIME,
DON'T YOU HAVE A MEETING?
RIGHT. I GOT TO GO. BYE.
OHH...
OH, DAMN. THEY DID IT AGAIN.
OH.
I'LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE
WHO CAN TRANSLATE UKRAINIAN.
THAT'S NOT
UKRAINIAN. IT'S TURKISH.
LOOK, THERE'S A DIACRITICAL
MARK OVER THE "O."
[READING TURKISH]
WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
"MAY THESE ALWAYS POINT ME
TOWARD THE SPOILS OF WAR."
THIS ISN'T A THIMBLE.
IT'S TURKISH NIPPLE ARMOR.
HA HA HA.
IN FACT, IT'S VERY VALUABLE.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE THE PAIR.
DON'T TELL JEFF. THIS
WILL BE OUR SECRET.
YES. OUR SECRET.
IT'LL BE SOMETHING
JEFF WILL NEVER HAVE.
WELL, IT'S THE
THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
THIS MUST HAVE
BEEN VERY EXPENSIVE.
SO YOU LIKE EXPENSIVE THINGS?
NO.
SOME OF MY FAVORITE
THINGS IN LIFE COST NOTHING.
A PICNIC ON A SUNNY DAY,
A LOVELY POEM READ ALOUD,
WATCHING MY FRIENDS FAIL.
I'LL WRITE A POEM ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS FAILING
TO READ YOU ALOUD
ON A SUNNY PICNIC.
THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
HOW ABOUT SATURDAY AFTERNOON?
WHY NOT?
I HAVE A DATE.
JEFF DOESN'T HAVE A DATE,
BUT I HAVE A DATE.
YES!
[BANG]
WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES.
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
WOMEN WHO LOVE TO READ
ABOUT WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU TWO HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER WHAT? 100, 150 YEARS.
42 THIS APRIL.
42 YEARS. IMPRESSIVE.
YOU MUST'VE KNOWN HE WAS
SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL, HUH?
TELL ME, WHY DID YOU PICK HIM?
WELL, HE WAS VERY SWEET...
AND AFFECTIONATE.
HE HAD A REAL FLAIR FOR ROMANCE.
IT WAS THE CAR, WASN'T IT?
THAT WAS THE CLINCHER.
OH, FINALLY. DID YOU GET 'EM?
YES.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.
WE'VE FLOWN A LOT OF MISSIONS.
I'D EVEN PUT OUT
THE SUN FOR YOU,
BUT IF YOU SEND ME OUT FOR
WOMEN'S MAGAZINES AGAIN,
I'LL KILL YOU.
THIS MAY SOUND SILLY TO YOU,
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH
DR. ALBRIGHT. HELP ME HERE.
THEY'RE POINTLESS.
THEY'RE MIND-ALTERING.
THEY IMPOSE ARBITRARY
STANDARDS ON WOMEN.
IT'S LIKE PROPAGANDA FOR
SOME SORT OF ESTROGEN CULT.
JUST READ.
O.K.
O.K. HERE'S A TOPIC. YOU
COULD DISCUSS BIOLOGY.
WHY?
ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY,
7 OUT OF 10 WOMEN HAVE
MULTIPLE ORGANISMS.
I WON'T DO IT.
YOU HAVE TO.
NO, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
CHECK THE LEASE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
MISS DUBCEK
DOESN'T LIKE SCRUFFY.
THE LEASE SAYS NO PETS.
BUT HE'S SO CUTE.
NO. I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS.
MY THROAT CLOSES
OFF, AND I CAN'T BREATHE.
HE'S SO CUTE.
SORRY, NO. THE
POOCH CANNOT STAY.
BUT HE'S SO CUTE!
NO.
[DOOR SLAMS]
THAT'S TOO BAD, HARRY.
GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YES.
SCRUFFY AND I MUST
KILL MISS DUBCEK...
AND HIDE HER BODY
UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS.
WELL...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WE'RE GOING ON OUR PICNIC.
DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE?
NO. WHY?
OH, MY GOD. I'M
SORRY. I HAD TO CANCEL.
CANCEL?
IT'S JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING PARTY.
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I BEAT HIM IN RACQUETBALL.
I CAN'T MISS IT. HE
DEDICATED HIS NOVEL TO ME.
OH, NO. YOU CAN'T MISS THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU COME?
COME?
OH, NO. I HAVE TO TAKE
MY BLACK FOREST HAM,
WHEEL OF BRIE,
CABERNET SAUVIGNON,
MY LIMOGE TRIVET, AND SET
THEM ABLAZE IN A BONFIRE
AS A TRIBUTE...
TO JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING.
EXCUSE ME. I'M
LOOKING FOR JEFF WILLIS.
HE'S WITH HIS PUBLICIST.
HE'LL BE OUT SHORTLY.
YOU A FRIEND?
UH, YES. I'M VERY CLOSE
TO THE STEAMING PUSTULE.
HARRY, I'VE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.
HER LITTLE GIRL NEEDS A DOG.
OH, HE'S PERFECT.
OH, NO. SCRUFFY'S NOT
ABOUT TO RUIN HIS LIFE
OVER SOME BLONDE HE
MET AT A COCKTAIL PARTY.
UH-UH.
NO.
THE MAN OF THE HOUR!
OH, GOD.
YOU THINK YOU'RE
PRETTY CLEVER, DON'T YOU?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
EVERY WORD IN YOUR BOOK
WAS PUBLISHED YEARS AGO!
PERHAPS YOU'VE READ...
THE DICTIONARY.
YOU INVITED ME.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
I CHALLENGE YOU
FOR THE HAND OF THE
WOMAN WE BOTH LOVE.
EMILY. I KNEW YOU
WERE CHEATING ON ME.
NO, HE'S LYING. I SWEAR.
YOU LOVE HER?
MY OWN WIFE?
YOU LOVE HER?
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.
LAY OFF HER. I'VE BEEN
SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE.
MY OWN BROTHER?
ONE QUICK ANSWER. YOU LOVE HER?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THE SEX IS GREAT!
YOU SATANIC BASTARD!
OH!
YOU FRAUD!
INTERESTING FAMILY.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
THIS IS VERY HARD
FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?
IT'S THE HARDEST
THING I'VE HAD TO DO
IN MY ENTIRE TIME
ON THIS PLANET.
SCRUFFY, COME HERE.
YOU'RE GETTING ON
MY NERVES, MUTT,
SO TAKE A HIKE.
GO WITH THE KID.
I'M BAD NEWS, JUNIOR.
I'M TROUBLE, I TELL YOU.
JUST GO.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
WALK HIM TO OUR PLACE?
OH, SURE.
HARRY, YOU CAN COME OVER
AND PLAY WITH SCRUFFY ANY TIME.
REALLY?
YEAH. WE'D LOVE IT.
AFTER MY EX-HUSBAND,
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
A MAN WHO'S SO CARING.
OH.
WELL...
JEFF'S BROTHER
NEEDS HIS JAW WIRED.
HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
THAT'S FINE. I'M MAD AT YOU.
WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
YOU'RE THE EXPERT. YOU TELL ME.
DR. SOLOMON, WHAT
DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I WANT...
I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.
OH.
ARE YOU SURPRISED?
TO BE HONEST...
NOT REALLY.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL...
HONESTLY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT...
SEEMS ODD. IT'S LIKE
YOU WERE OUT OF SYNCH
WITH EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.
I GO OUT OF MY WAY DOING
THINGS THAT APPEAR NORMAL.
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
WHAT ELSE?
YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE FEELING
EVERYTHING FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL
OVER YOUR EMOTIONS.
YOU TRIED TO FEED
ME DOGGIE TREATS.
AND?
YOU'RE MOVING WAY TOO FAST.
WHATEVER IS GOING
TO HAPPEN BETWEEN US,
LET'S LET IT EVOLVE NATURALLY.
I CAN GO ALONG WITH THAT.
GOOD.
WHY DON'T WE SHAKE ON IT?
LET'S HUG ON IT.
THAT'S TOO FAST.
DR. ALBRIGHT, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE IMPORTANCE.
IT GIVES MY LIFE A MEANING
I'VE ONLY DREAMED OF.
ALL RIGHT.
NO. I CAN'T HUG
UNDER THIS PRESSURE.
TRY.
THERE.
THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY.
YOU KNOW, JEALOUSY
DEFIES ALL LOGIC.
JEFF'S A NICE PERSON.
DR. ALBRIGHT'S A NICE PERSON.
THE THOUGHT OF THEM BEING HAPPY
TOGETHER JUST MADE ME CRAZY.
YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?
CLARK KENT GETS JEALOUS
BECAUSE LOIS LANE
LIKES SUPERMAN.
NOW, THAT IS CRAZY.
DICK, YOU KNOW,
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT
WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN.
THEY WANT HIM TO DRIVE
A BIG, POWERFUL VEHICLE.
YOU SAYING I SHOULD
BE A BUS DRIVER?
YOU'LL BE BEATING
THEM OFF WITH A STICK.
DICK, TO GET WHAT YOU
WANT FROM THE LADIES,
THE ANSWER'S SIMPLE.
WHAT?
GET A DOG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HARRY, YOU DIDN'T...
NO. HA HA HA.
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