3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 5 - Dick, Smoker - full transcript

In a bar, Dick sees a nerdy student smoking. When he realizes the smoking makes the student cool, he takes up smoking as well. Sally is getting sick and tired of Dick overruling her all the time and besides that, she has a sore tooth. At the dentists office Dick is told he isn't allowed to smoke in the building. While searching for a place to smoke, Dick accidentally locks himself in and he's unable to find an exit. Now, Sally is the leader of the pack.

Aliens are all around us.

This is the story of a band
of four such explorers.

In order to blend in they
have assumed human form.

This is the high commander.

He has assembled an elite team of experts.

A decorated military officer.

A seasoned intelligent specialist.

And...well, they had an extra seat.

The world is actually
two thirds water.

About the equivalent of
Scotch at a cheap wedding.

Super combo number one.

Super combo number four.

And the fun-tastic goofy
meal number two.

You heard me.

Earth just doesn't get any
better than this.. dinner and a movie.

Mmm. Ooh,
let's see this one.

Four stars, two thumbs. "A sweeping
drama, one of the years".

most intellectually stimulating
cinematic accomplishments."

- Chick flick.

How are your chicken
crunchies today?

Harry, we don't
have all day.

He'll have the super
combo number two.

Okay, that'Il be $10
.71. Please drive around.

Ah, with pleasure.

What's that sound?

Please drive around.
- Yeah, we would if we could.

I told you to get this
looked at two weeks ago,

not to mention
the phone's still out.

I keep telling you to get all these things
taken care of, yet nothing ever gets done.

And yet you persist.
Good for you.

Now we'll never make it to the movie.

Nonsense, All we have to do is get out and push,
Sally. - Yeah, yeah.

Hurry up, I don't want
to miss the previews.

Or that "audiences'
listening" thing.

This seat sucks. Oh I agree,
the seating is all wrong.

Tommy, you should be to my right
so I could actually have an armrest.

Harry, you should
sit on the aisle

because you go to
the bathroom constantly.

Wait a minute, hold it.
Everybody just sit down.

This is supposed to be fun.
Here, Sally, have some popcorn.

I didn't want popcorn.
I wanted good and plentys.

Well, when you're high commander, you
can be in charge of the movie treats.

I will.
- Bully for you.

- Excuse me, we're talking here!

Now, how did he beat those guys?
I mean, come on, it was 12 against one.

Well, he has the advantage.
They only have machine guns,

while he has
the broken pool cue.

Oh! Oh, great
command decision, Dick,

now I have a piece of
popcorn stuck in my teeth.

I'll get it.

Sally, you are right. I
should have sat near the aisle.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Excuse me, excuse me.

Is that it?
- Ow!

I'm getting the manager.
- Thank you. Have him bring floss.

I'm sorry.
Couldn't be sorr...Ow !

Dick, I'm stuck
to the floor.

Oh my god!

Okay, punk,
court is adjourned...YAH !

Stop it.
That's an order.

The high commander said
that I could turn myself

into a lethal
killing machine.

Did you?
- What?

Tommy, what's with the toad?

His name is Jack.

He's my new lab partner.
- No, I meant in the jar.

Oh! That's a dead frog.
We're going to reanimate it.

Tommy, I thought I told you no
science projects in the kitchen.

High commander
said we could.

Dick, permission to bitch?
- Permission granted.

Why do you tell them they can do
things when I tell them they can't?

Because I'm the high commander.

Well, would it kill you to listen to me

ahhhhhh...I'm sorry, I thought we were singing.

This popcorn kernel
is agony.

I feel like sticking my head
in a microwave to pop it out.

Just make sure that you poke holes in
your head with a fork first.

Well, I'm off.
- Dick wait, we need to talk about this.

I am second in command here, and I
have no authority over these guys.

You outrank them Sally, just seize
control, take some initiative.

All right, permission requested
to schedule initiative-taking.

Just do it. Take the car and fix the phone.

What would you do if I wasn't here?
- You're always here.

Well, what if I wasn't?

I'd do a happy
little dance.

Oh, man,
Solomon's here.

Don't look, he might come over.
- Does he see us?

I'll check.

Leon! What
a happy accident.

Now we can spend the evening
getting to know each other better.

Ah please, continue
with your conversation.

We can't. We were talking about you.

Shut up.

Can I get you something?
- What are they having?

Coffee, for two hours.

I'll have that.

- What?

You look different.
I don't know what it is.

Suddenly you look so--
I've never used this word.....cool.

Really? I've been... - now it's gone.

Now it's back.

Now there's an air
of sophistication.

Somehow that fiery tube
has mitigated your oafishness.

May I?
- Oh.

oh you can keep it.

Thank you.

Oh.....an added bonus.

This is creepy.

You have no vision.

What is this thing
in my colander?

Oh, that would be
its old brain.

Well, Dick,my life is hell.
I hope you're happy.

Oh, you betcha. It's like I'm feeling
my lungs for the first time.

It's so nice to have
a tenant who smokes.

So many people are giving it
up. It just breaks my heart.

We need some duct tape
and jumper cables.

Tommy, have you smoked
your cigarette yet?

Er, no, sir.
- There's no reason to put it off.

You know,
I must say,

this secondhand smoke,
is smooth and satisfying.

My gift to you.

Dick, you've been smoking
those things since you got home.

It's almost like they're addictive.
- Don't be silly.

If cigarettes were bad, they
wouldn't sell them everywhere.

Besides, I can quit
whenever I want.

There, you see, I've stopped.
There's nothing to it.

You know, Sally,

if you want to advance,

you're going to have to open
your mind to new experiences.

Well, I've started again.

This popcorn kernel
is driving me crazy.

Oh honey, don't put your hand in your mouth.
It's so unbecoming.

What was that?

It's alive!

Hey, what's your problem?
It's a guaranteed "A."...Kids?

What do you think you're doing?
- Smoking.

Please don't smoke in front
of me. I just quit a year ago.

Oh, you poor, misguided girl.

Don't you miss it?

The first cool drag
in the morning,

a relaxing smoke on the roof
on a warm summer night.

And if I ever have sex, I think I'm going
to smoke afterwards.

Have you ever read the
warning on the side of the pack?

Well, I'm not a fetus.

Those things will take
10 years off of your life.

Yes, but that's off
the end of your life,

and those years
are crappy anyway.

Well, there happens
to be a policy here..

cigarettes are only allowed in
university-Sanctioned smoking zones.

Take it outside.

All right, if you're going
to be a big...fetus about it.

My people. Dr. Finkel.

Mrs. Cross,
you smoke, too?

It comes as a surprise
to many people.

Look at us...we suck, we blow..
a posse of oral fixators.

Oh, yeah, we're bad.

They can isolate us, but
they'll never separate us.

Let them outlaw smoking.

Then they'll just have to
deal with a whole bunch of...

smokin' outlaws!
Who's with me?

All right.

All right,
rinse out your mouth.

Now spit.

You've never been to a...
dentist's office before, have you?

Well, you know,
gal on the go.

All right. Could you
open wider, please? Wider.

You can't smoke in here.

All right, I'll smoke
in the waiting room.

Er, you can't smoke in
the waiting room, either.

Then I'll smoke in the hall.

I'm sorry, you can't smoke
anywhere in the building.

You know, you're awfully
smug for a man in a paper coat.

Oh, yes!
The corn is gone. See?

So, Tommy, how was
your science fair?

Oh, uh...
funny story. Um...

remember that frog
I reanimated?

Well, it kind of developed
a taste for human flesh.

Someone's got to go see
my science teacher tomorrow.

Well did you tell Dick?
- I thought he was with you.

He ran off. That was hours ago.
- That's not like him.

Well, what are we supposed
to do? Dick is always here.

Wait a minute.
Of course...this is a test.

- For the next 60 seconds,

she's going to emit
a high-pitched tone.

Dick is testing me.

He's conveniently "disappeared,"
- leaving me in charge.

Well, I'm gonna show him.

Okay, troops, line up
in order of height.


It's time
for decisive action.

- Yes, sir-- ma'am-- ma'am-- ma'am sir.

You're going to climb the
utility pole and fix our phone line.

Ohh, well, I'll need
a flashlight.

Don't worry. It's plenty
bright with all that lightning.

Well, how do
I get up there?

We've got that big metal
ladder in the garage.

Oh, wait.

You can knock the box open with this metal golf club.
- Good, Tommy.

Oh and you want to be safe. Wrap
this chain around your waist

and attach it to the
power line in case you slip.

Prepare to be dazzled.

Oh, well...

I'm sure someone will find me
before the building closes.

Maybe not.

Now, I'm not one to discourage
a child's creativity,

but that frog took a bite
out of Patti kinland

the size of
a silver dollar.

Dime, tops.
- That frog destroyed

all the other experiments
and attacked six students,

and Tommy refuses
to apologize.

Well, it's clear that Tommy
must be disciplined.

And in the absence
of Mr. Solomon,

we ask that you
take responsibility.

Oh, I'm ready
to take responsibility.

Believe me, I can handle
responsibility. No problem.

Tommy, I'm hereby placing
you under house arrest.

Well I just thought counseling--
- Your rations will be cut in half.

You will report to
calisthenics at 0500, sharp.

Could I be placed in a
foster home or something?

I'm his mother.
I'll handle him.

I thought you were his sister.
- Sister, mother, whatever.

I think you're
actually my aunt.

In our family,
it's kind of hard to tell.

Oh, Danny boy
the pipes,the pipes are calling

from glen to glen
and down the mountainside

the summer's gone
and all the roses falling

'tis you, 'tis you
must go
and I must bide

but come ye back
when summer's in the meadow

hey, you're not bad.

Thank you.

'Tis I'll be gone
in sunshine or in shadow.

You're not
so bad yourself.

What do you mean my cars' not
ready? You promised it by Friday.

Today's Friday.

The carburetors' a rebuild,

that takes extra time.
- I'm over here.

On the plus side, your
tranny's in really good shape.

Ah, good news.

Excuse me,
this is my car.

Uh, she's right.
I just stand here and nod.

Well, you gotta humor 'em.

This redhead
came in last week.

I think she was driving a
sunbird. She opened that hood..

hello... I'd like my car ready
in a half hour.

I don't want a 200%
mark-Up on parts.

And I'd like it washed.

Thank you. Do you hear that, high commander?


Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Women, huh?

Oh, boy.

- Sally.

Dick, you can come out now.
I've passed your little test.

Nina, where's Dick?

I haven't seen him in two days,
I was just about to call you.

Will you excuse us for just a minute?

He's not here, he's gone.
He's actually gone.

I can still hear you.

Could you leave, please?
- Try and stop me.

This wasn't a test.

I really am
high commander.

We await your orders,
high commander.

We're here waitin'.

If Dick were here,
he'd know what to do.

If Dick were here,
he'd know where he was.

We gotta find him.

Dr. Bankson.

Dr. Bankson,....
we meet at last.

I'm looking for someone...
Dick Solomon?

Who the heck are you?
- Ah.

Looks like you've
chosen a poor time

to sedate yourself,
Dr. Bankson.

But you know
what they say..

the dentist who drills his own teeth,
has a fool for a patient.

Ah, I didn't expect you
to cooperate.

Well, maybe you'll talk...
for Mr Sucky thing.

Death has reared
himself a throne,

in a strange city
lying alone.

Where good and bad
and worst and best,

are gone to
their eternal rest.

That's nice.
What is it?

It's just...
something I made up.

Liar. That's Edgar Allan Poe.
I was there when you read it.

Then why ask?! Just to play
mind games with me?

What mind? Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Dick, is that you?

- Dick?

Harry, open the door!
Open the door!

How do I know
it's really you?

It's really me!
- Well, you would know that.

Harry! - Dick!
You saved me!

God, when I think of
all the times...

Oh I'm so glad..

A voice inside of you?

And you never knew
it was there before?

By the second day, I was
hearing my inner voice, too.

What was it saying?

I have no idea.
I don't speak French.

You should have seen
the janitor's face,

when he walked in
on the four of us.

I'm just glad you're alive.

Thank you, Sally.
And good work finding me.

Good work?

I was paralyzed. I
thought I could do your job.

You're so arrogant,
bossy, and condescending,

you make it
look so easy.

Well, I'm not
perfect, lieutenant.

After all, I got locked in
a stairwell for three days,

just because
I needed a cigarette.

Yeah, that was stupid.
- Yes, it was.

Really stupid.

Point taken.

I mean, didn't you even think
to check the door first?

You'd expect a bonehead move
like that from me, but you?

Okay, a bonehead is
where I draw the line.

Excuse us.
- After all, I am the high commander.

oh, well...
- Whoo-ooh!