3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dick Is from Mars, Sally Is from Venus - full transcript
Sally has her very first date and Tommy starts going to high school.
AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY
OF A BAND OF 4 SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY HAVE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND, WELL, THEY
HAVE AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE PEOPLE OF EARTH SOMETIMES
DIVIDE AGAINST EACH OTHER
BASED ON NATIONAL
ORIGIN OR SKIN COLOR.
OF COURSE, NO ONE
ELSE IN THE GALAXY
CAN TELL THEM APART.
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS AND THE U.S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
I'VE BEEN THERE... AND THERE...
AND I'VE BEEN THERE.
AH. THE LONG, BORING
STORIES YOU MUST HAVE.
I HAVE ANOTHER
DESTINATION FOR YOU, TOMMY...
HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY? I FINISHED MY EDUCATION
WHEN YOU WERE STILL
A SNOT-NOSED GAS BALL.
THAT SOUNDS VERY DANGEROUS.
SHOULDN'T I TAKE THAT?
NO. WE HAVE TO ASSUME THE ROLES
OF A REGULAR HUMAN FAMILY.
TOMMY'S THE ADOLESCENT...
HE'LL GO TO SCHOOL.
YOU'LL EXPLORE BEING
A YOUNG ADULT WOMAN.
I, AS THE BENEVOLENT
FATHER FIGURE,
WILL PROVIDE THE
MAJOR SOURCE OF INCOME
AND GIVE YOU CUTE NICKNAMES.
DICK?
WHAT IS IT, KITTEN?
WHAT'S MY ROLE IN THE FAMILY?
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.
YOU'RE THE BROTHER
WHO TRIES HARD
BUT DOESN'T HAVE THE NERVE
TO MOVE OUT ON HIS OWN,
BUT WE LOVE YOUR
PLUCK AND DETERMINATION.
BUT I CAN DO MORE.
SEE? THAT'S THE
PLUCK THAT WE LOVE.
LET'S JUST BE THE WARM,
HUMAN FAMILY THAT WE ARE.
AFTER YOU.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I'VE SEEN MEN DO IT.
APPARENTLY WOMEN DON'T
KNOW HOW TO OPERATE DOORS.
WELL, I DO.
OH, DICK, I'VE THOUGHT
OF A JOB FOR MYSELF.
I CAN CATALOG THE DANGERS
THAT SURROUND US ON THIS PLANET.
FOR EXAMPLE,
GETTING YOUR FINGERS
CRUSHED IN A CAR DOOR.
OW.
OW.
OW.
♪ HEY, MR. SPACEMAN ♪
WHY ARE YOU LISTENING
TO THE SERPENT?
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.
WOMEN.
DEAN SUMNER'S OFFICE CALLED.
YOU PARKED IN HIS SPACE.
YES. IT'S SO MUCH
CLOSER THAN MINE.
MOVE IT, LADY!
AND YOUR SISTER'S HERE.
SALLY, I LEFT YOU AT HOME.
YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES.
WHAT'S WITH THE GUY IN 114?
HE KEEPS FOLLOWING
ME AND TALKING TO ME.
I THINK SOMEBODY HAS AN ADMIRER.
GREAT. NOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME?
SALLY, ARE YOU
SEEING ANYONE NOW?
I'M LOOKING AT YOU, AREN'T I?
FOR GOD'S SAKES, HE'S
TRYING TO ASK YOU ON A DATE.
IT'S A PERFECT
OPPORTUNITY. YOU'LL GO.
NO, I WON'T.
I KNOW WHAT'S BEST.
WHY ARE YOU
TREATING ME LIKE THIS?
"THIS"? WHAT AM I DOING?
ACTING LIKE I CAN'T
DECIDE FOR MYSELF.
ONE OF US HAS TO EXPERIENCE SEX,
AND I'M GETTING
NOWHERE WITH HER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
IF SEX IS SO IMPORTANT,
YOU AND I CAN DO
IT HERE ON THE DESK.
OK...
I'LL LEAVE YOU CLAMPETTS ALONE
TO YOUR BANJO LESSON.
"WHEN BEETLES
FIGHT THESE BATTLES
"IN A BOTTLE WITH THEIR PADDLES
"AND THE BOTTLE'S ON A POODLE
"AND THE POODLE'S
EATING NOODLES,
"THEY CALL THIS A
MUDDLE-PUDDLE TWEETLE-POODLE
BEETLE-NOODLE
BOTTLE-PADDLE BATTLE."
THIS MAN IS A GENIUS.
[FOOTSTEPS STOMPING]
IF IT ISN'T OUR PROUD
LITTLE STUDENT.
WHAT DID YOU LEARN
ON YOUR FIRST DAY?
I'M WEARING THE WRONG
KIND OF SNEAKERS,
GIRLS ONLY LIKE SENIORS,
AND, MAN, YOU CAN'T COMPLIMENT
ANYBODY IN THE SHOWER.
SEE? AND YOU THOUGHT
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING.
SALLY!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
LATE FOR YOUR DATE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.
IS THIS APPROPRIATE?
YES. VERY.
WHAT DO WE DO ON A DATE?
I READ ABOUT IT. I'LL
WALK YOU THROUGH.
I'LL BE YOUR DATE!
YOU'VE GOT HOMEWORK, OLD MAN.
SO YOU GUYS GET
TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WHILE I MAKE AN AZTEC
VILLAGE OUT OF MACARONI?
THIS IS FAIR.
OK, HARRY, YOU'RE BRAD.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE AT
A ROMANTIC RESTAURANT.
HERE.
OK. NOW GO AHEAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
GAZE INTO HIS EYES
THE WAY DR. ALBRIGHT
GAZES INTO MINE.
YOU KNOW...
OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
NOW BREAK THE ICE
BY TELLING HIM SOMETHING
PERSONAL ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, UH, BRAD...
ONCE EVERY LUNAR CYCLE,
MY UTERINE LINING
SLOUGHS ITSELF,
THEREBY CAUSING...
WHOA! WHOA! HOLD IT!
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT...
NO...
THAT MAY BE TOO PERSONAL.
WELL, IT DOES.
ONE MINUTE, I'M FINE.
THE NEXT, MY UTERUS
STARTS THROBBING...
WAH-WAH-WAH WAH-WAH-WAH!
THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR KEEPING SOME
MYSTERY IN A RELATIONSHIP.
WHEN DO I GET TO
TOUCH YOUR BREASTS?
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DIE.
FAIR ENOUGH.
OW. OW. OW. OW.
♪ RAINBOWS, DAISIES ♪
♪ SNOWFLAKES, THAT GIRL ♪
MY BOYS.
[GIGGLING]
SHE SWALLOWED A TINY MONKEY.
SO, LIEUTENANT, GIVE US A FULL
REPORT ON YOUR ASSIGNMENT.
HE WAS WONDERFUL.
HE THINKS I'M WONDERFUL.
HE ASKED ME WHERE
I'D BEEN ALL HIS LIFE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?
ALL THE COORDINATES.
THANK GOODNESS
HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL HIM.
WHAT THEN?
WELL, HE WANTED
TO SLEEP WITH ME.
I WANTED SEX,
BUT SINCE HE WAS
TIRED, I LET HIM GO HOME.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS...
HE'S GONNA CALL ME.
I WISH I COULD MEET
A GUY LIKE THAT.
COME ON, SPORT.
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO SCHOOL.
BITE ME.
"BITE ME" WHAT?
BITE ME, DADDY.
THAT'S BETTER.
SEE YOU TONIGHT, SLUGGER.
NO, YOU WON'T...
'CAUSE I'LL BE OUT WITH BRAD...
HAVING FUN.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
LET'S KEEP IT MOVING, SOLOMON.
CLIMB THE ROPE.
WHAT'S AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE?
YOUR SELF-RESPECT IS
AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE.
RUN THIS BY ME AGAIN.
I CLIMB UP THERE, AND THEN I...
YOU CLIMB DOWN.
AND THIS GIVES ME
SELF-RESPECT BECAUSE...
YOU DON'T WANT
TO CLIMB THE ROPE,
YOU CAN GO SIT WITH THE GIRLS.
SO IF I DON'T CLIMB THE ROPE,
THEN I SIT WITH THE GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HELP ME OUT HERE.
I'M NOT SEEING THE DOWN SIDE.
[BIP]
MUST YOU MAKE SUCH A RACKET?!
OK. YOU'VE BOSSED ME AROUND
FOR THE LAST TIME.
OH, I'M SORRY I
BLEW UP LIKE THAT.
[BIP]
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
WHAT GOES ON
OUTSIDE OF THIS OFFICE
IS REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
THERE HE IS.
JUST BECAUSE I SET
SALLY UP WITH BRAD,
YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED
TO TELL ME HOW IT WENT.
THERE HE IS.
I'M NOT EVEN CURIOUS.
RIGHT THERE.
SALLY'S DATE...
START TALKING.
IN HER OWN WORDS,
"IT WAS WONDERFUL."
MM-HMM? MM-HMM?
SHE OVER-ATE, AND HE
FOUND HER CHARMING.
HE'S GOING TO CALL HER.
MM. MM.
WHAT?
ORANGE JUICE.
NONTOXIC.
TABASCO.
[CLENCHED TEETH] ALSO NONTOXIC.
HE SAID HE'D CALL.
YES, I KNOW.
HE PROMISED. HE SAID HE'D CALL.
I CAN TAKE MORE PAIN THAN
ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER,
BUT RIGHT NOW I FEEL SO... ICKY.
GIVE ME SOME PAIN I CAN DEFINE.
I'M NOT GOING TO JAM YOUR
HAND IN THE TOASTER AGAIN.
YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
IT'S LIKE HE REACHED IN
AND PULLED ALL THE
BONES OUT OF MY BODY.
[SOB]
MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
APPARENTLY, I'M LEAKING.
WELL, STOP IT!
ALL RIGHT, COMMANDER.
[STIFLED SOB]
WINE COOLER.
I COULD GO EITHER WAY.
LIEUTENANT, WE NEED TO TALK.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE WOMAN.
YOU'RE A VETERAN. I
THOUGHT YOU COULD HANDLE IT.
WELL, I CAN'T.
THIS IS HARD.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, DON'T...
NO. NO.
PLEASE, DON'T.
IT WENT SO GREAT.
BRAD SAID HE LIKED ME.
WHY WON'T HE CALL?
THERE, THERE.
AH!
MAYBE HE CAN'T CALL.
MAYBE HIS PHONE IS OUT.
MAYBE HE INJURED HIMSELF
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
OR USED A DRY-CLEANING
BAG AS A TOY.
DICK...
I'VE LOST ALL FEELING
IN THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODY.
COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL 116?
DO NOT TOUCH THAT PHONE.
OH, DAD?
NOW WHAT?
MY TEACHERS WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MY ATTITUDE,
AS IF I HAVE AN ATTITUDE.
JUST PERFECT.
I TRY TO MOLD A
FAMILY THAT BLENDS IN.
WHAT DO I GET?
A SURLY TEENAGER, A
SISTER OBSESSED WITH A MAN,
AND A BROTHER WHO
DRINKS TOO MUCH.
IS THERE ANOTHER FAMILY
IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
ME NEITHER.
I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAD.
"INDUCE VOMITING"...
THERE'S AN IDEA.
IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME,
I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE...
PUTTING UP PEGBOARD.
HELLO, BRAD.
SALLY.
I'VE COME TO CHECK YOUR PHONE.
SALLY, PLEASE, CALM DOWN.
NO, YOU MAY NOT MAIM HARRY.
FIND SOMEONE ON THE STREET.
TROUBLE AT HOME?
NO. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
HE DIDN'T CALL, DID HE?
NOT YET.
MM. MM.
I JUST WISH SALLY HAD SOME
WOMEN FRIENDS TO TURN TO.
ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY HELP?
YOU OFFERING?
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ASKING.
I DON'T NEED HELP.
THEN I'M NOT OFFERING.
FINE WITH ME.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT, CAN YOU?
HELP ME!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T STAND TO
SEE HER LIKE THIS.
THERE. THAT WASN'T SO HARD.
THEN YOU'LL HELP?
NO.
CAN'T YOU TAKE OUT
AND TALK TO HER?
NINA COULD JOIN YOU.
OH, I'M SORRY.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
I'M HAVING MY EYES GOUGED OUT.
CAN'T YOU RESCHEDULE IT?
PUT YOURSELF IN HER POSITION.
YOU'RE OUT ON A DATE,
AROUSING STIMULI FLY BACK
AND FORTH ACROSS THE TABLE,
AND THEN HE DOESN'T CALL.
HOW WOULD YOU REPAIR YOURSELF?
I'D GET TOASTED AND
CALL HIM FILTHY NAMES.
GREAT. GO DO THAT WITH SALLY.
YOU'RE BUYING?
OH. WELL, OF COURSE.
OH, SHE'S WAY MORE
UPSET THAN THAT.
DR. SOLOMON, LET ME BE BLUNT.
TOMMY HAS A PROBLEM
WITH AUTHORITY.
IN GYM, HE REFUSED
TO CLIMB THE ROPE.
WHAT WAS AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE?
IF HE WERE MY BOY,
I'D WARM UP HIS LITTLE BOTTOM.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DIDN'T WANT HIM
SITTING WITH THE GIRLS, RIGHT?
HE'S JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE I'VE DONE SO
MUCH BETTER THAN HE HAS.
NOBODY EVER SAID
BEING A FATHER IS EASY.
YOU'RE TELLING ME?
SOME OF YOU MUST
HAVE CHILDREN...
AS FRIGHTENING
AS THAT THOUGHT IS.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU NEED TO SET A GOOD
EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.
SINCE WHEN DID MY SON
BECOME MY RESPONSIBILITY?
YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE
FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE EDUCATING HIM.
KNOWLEDGE IS THE ONLY CHANCE
THIS PLANET HAS FOR SURVIVAL.
ONE DAY, YOU'LL NEED SOMEONE
TO SAVE YOUR COLLECTIVE BUTTS,
AND ALL YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK
FROM ARE ROPE CLIMBERS.
DR. SOLOMON, YOU'RE
AVOIDING THE REAL PROBLEM...
THE HOME ENVIRONMENT.
OF COURSE I'M AVOIDING IT.
IT'S FULL OF CRAZY PEOPLE.
OH, COME ON, SALLY.
I KNOW YOU'RE IN PAIN,
BUT HOLDING IT IN
WON'T DO ANY GOOD.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET IT OUT.
COME ON, OPEN UP.
AAH!
THAT REALLY HELPED.
THIS CAN'T BE THE FIRST
BAD DATE YOU'VE EVER HAD.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO,
A FRIEND SET ME UP
AND MY DATE TURNED OUT TO BE
THIS GIANT SLIMY YOLK SAC.
YEAH. I'VE BEEN THERE.
WHO HASN'T?
I ONCE DATED THIS
CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR.
DR. ABRAMS.
SHE'S STARTING WITH THE As.
HE INVITED ME TO PORTAGE LAKES
FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND
AND THEN JUST NEVER SHOWED UP.
DID YOU KILL HIM?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE.
VIOLENCE DOESN'T
DO YOU ANY GOOD.
HOWEVER, A GAS
TANK FULL OF SUGAR
AND A FLAMING BAG
OF DOG POOP WILL.
AND YOU TAKE THAT ORALLY?
TOMMY, YOUR TEACHERS
THINK I'M NOT ACTING
ENOUGH LIKE A FATHER TO YOU.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
BUT I WANT TO TRY
TO ACT LIKE ONE.
FINE. WHAT DO FATHERS
AND SONS DO TOGETHER?
OH, UH... THEY DO THIS.
YES. I'VE SEEN THAT.
OH. YEAH.
EXCELLENT.
WE'RE ROUGHHOUSING.
SON.
HA HA HA HA!
ERRRGH!
THIS HAS TAKEN A
WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
WE CAN DO WHAT
THE GUY DOWNSTAIRS
DOES WITH HIS SON.
THEY WATCH TV FOR
18 HOURS STRAIGHT.
YES. IT'S THE CLASSIC
MALE BONDING RITUAL.
OH, LOOK.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
ALL RIGHT! YAY! ALL RIGHT!
WHAT IS IT?
ISN'T THERE SOMEPLACE WHERE
PEOPLE CAN HAVE MEANINGLESS SEX
WITH VARIOUS PARTNERS?
YES. IT'S CALLED THE SEVENTIES.
WELL, HOW LATE IS IT OPEN?
HEY. CHECK OUT THE BARTENDER.
OOH. GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN.
I HOPE HE KEPT THE RECEIPT.
GET A LOAD OF THE
GUY IN THE VEST.
I HOPE HE KEPT THE RECEIPT.
SEE, SALLY?
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.
GUYS ARE JERKS.
YOU'LL JUST NEVER
FIND THE PERFECT MAN.
THE PERFECT MAN WOULD
HAVE BILL GATES' MONEY,
JIMMY SMITS' ASS,
LIAM NEESON'S SHOULDERS,
MICHAEL JORDAN'S THIGHS...
AND WE NEED A BRAIN.
NO, WE DON'T.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEN HE'D THINK LIKE A MAN.
SEE? THERE'S JUST NO DEALING
WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.
YES. YES. THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
IT'S MEN.
THEY'RE A COMPLETELY
OPPOSITE SEX.
THEY HUNT, WE GATHER.
THEY SWEAT, WE GLOW.
THEY SHAKE, WE WIPE.
YOU!
YOUR SEXUAL ORGANS
ARE IN TOTAL DIAMETRIC
OPPOSITION TO MINE.
SO... CAN I GIVE YOU
A CALL SOMETIME?
OH, YEAH. I'LL BE
WAITING BY THE PHONE.
HA HA HA HA!
HAVE WE POISONED HER?
NO. NOW SHE'S A BUXOM,
LEGGY, POUTY-LIPPED
BITCH WITH ATTITUDE.
I THINK SHE'LL DO JUST FINE.
[DOORBELL]
HELLO, BRAD.
S-SALLY.
I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT I UNDERSTAND
YOUR LIMITATIONS.
I EXPECTED TOO MUCH.
I'M SO SORRY.
ALL THE BEST.
OOPS.
GOT YOUR KNOB.
HASN'T TONIGHT BEEN GREAT?
JUST US BOYS DRINKING BEER,
YELLING LIKE IDIOTS,
EMITTING VARIOUS GASSES.
OH, LOOK.
THEY'RE DOING THAT THING AGAIN.
LOOK OUT. OH...
WHOA... WHOA... WHOA...
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
THAT WAS GREAT.
SALLY'S BACK.
PARTY'S OVER.
THANK GOD.
SALLY, YOU'RE SMILING.
YOU'RE FIXED.
NO, DICK, I'M NOT FIXED,
BECAUSE I WAS NEVER BROKEN.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.
I'M A WOMAN.
YES, AND...
WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
I DON'T KNOW.
EXACTLY. AND DO
YOU FEEL THE URGE
TO HAVE AN 8-POUND
SCREAMING LARVA
RIP ITS WAY OUT OF
YOUR LOWER ABDOMEN?
NO. I THINK I COULD
DO WITHOUT THAT.
YOU SEE?
YOU AND I ARE
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE FORMS.
AND IT'S JUST SOME
SICK COSMIC JOKE
THAT WE HAVE TO SHARE A PLANET.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOUR ASSIGNMENT.
MAYBE IT WASN'T FAIR
MAKING YOU THE WOMAN.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I CAN HANDLE THE MOOD SWINGS,
THE EMOTIONAL
ISSUES, THE CAT CALLS,
THE PUNITIVE UNDERWEAR,
BECAUSE, FRANKLY,
WHEN I THINK OF
THE ALTERNATIVE...
I JUST HAVE TO LAUGH.
MOTHER EARTH.
FATHER TIME.
LADY LUCK.
GENTLEMEN'S QUARTERLY.
DAUGHTERS OF THE
AMERICAN REVOLUTION.
SON OF KONG.
FAIRY GODMOTHER.
THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.
MISSISSIPPI.
MR. SIPPI.
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS AND THE U.S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY
OF A BAND OF 4 SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY HAVE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND, WELL, THEY
HAVE AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE PEOPLE OF EARTH SOMETIMES
DIVIDE AGAINST EACH OTHER
BASED ON NATIONAL
ORIGIN OR SKIN COLOR.
OF COURSE, NO ONE
ELSE IN THE GALAXY
CAN TELL THEM APART.
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS AND THE U.S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
I'VE BEEN THERE... AND THERE...
AND I'VE BEEN THERE.
AH. THE LONG, BORING
STORIES YOU MUST HAVE.
I HAVE ANOTHER
DESTINATION FOR YOU, TOMMY...
HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY? I FINISHED MY EDUCATION
WHEN YOU WERE STILL
A SNOT-NOSED GAS BALL.
THAT SOUNDS VERY DANGEROUS.
SHOULDN'T I TAKE THAT?
NO. WE HAVE TO ASSUME THE ROLES
OF A REGULAR HUMAN FAMILY.
TOMMY'S THE ADOLESCENT...
HE'LL GO TO SCHOOL.
YOU'LL EXPLORE BEING
A YOUNG ADULT WOMAN.
I, AS THE BENEVOLENT
FATHER FIGURE,
WILL PROVIDE THE
MAJOR SOURCE OF INCOME
AND GIVE YOU CUTE NICKNAMES.
DICK?
WHAT IS IT, KITTEN?
WHAT'S MY ROLE IN THE FAMILY?
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.
YOU'RE THE BROTHER
WHO TRIES HARD
BUT DOESN'T HAVE THE NERVE
TO MOVE OUT ON HIS OWN,
BUT WE LOVE YOUR
PLUCK AND DETERMINATION.
BUT I CAN DO MORE.
SEE? THAT'S THE
PLUCK THAT WE LOVE.
LET'S JUST BE THE WARM,
HUMAN FAMILY THAT WE ARE.
AFTER YOU.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I'VE SEEN MEN DO IT.
APPARENTLY WOMEN DON'T
KNOW HOW TO OPERATE DOORS.
WELL, I DO.
OH, DICK, I'VE THOUGHT
OF A JOB FOR MYSELF.
I CAN CATALOG THE DANGERS
THAT SURROUND US ON THIS PLANET.
FOR EXAMPLE,
GETTING YOUR FINGERS
CRUSHED IN A CAR DOOR.
OW.
OW.
OW.
♪ HEY, MR. SPACEMAN ♪
WHY ARE YOU LISTENING
TO THE SERPENT?
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.
WOMEN.
DEAN SUMNER'S OFFICE CALLED.
YOU PARKED IN HIS SPACE.
YES. IT'S SO MUCH
CLOSER THAN MINE.
MOVE IT, LADY!
AND YOUR SISTER'S HERE.
SALLY, I LEFT YOU AT HOME.
YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES.
WHAT'S WITH THE GUY IN 114?
HE KEEPS FOLLOWING
ME AND TALKING TO ME.
I THINK SOMEBODY HAS AN ADMIRER.
GREAT. NOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME?
SALLY, ARE YOU
SEEING ANYONE NOW?
I'M LOOKING AT YOU, AREN'T I?
FOR GOD'S SAKES, HE'S
TRYING TO ASK YOU ON A DATE.
IT'S A PERFECT
OPPORTUNITY. YOU'LL GO.
NO, I WON'T.
I KNOW WHAT'S BEST.
WHY ARE YOU
TREATING ME LIKE THIS?
"THIS"? WHAT AM I DOING?
ACTING LIKE I CAN'T
DECIDE FOR MYSELF.
ONE OF US HAS TO EXPERIENCE SEX,
AND I'M GETTING
NOWHERE WITH HER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
IF SEX IS SO IMPORTANT,
YOU AND I CAN DO
IT HERE ON THE DESK.
OK...
I'LL LEAVE YOU CLAMPETTS ALONE
TO YOUR BANJO LESSON.
"WHEN BEETLES
FIGHT THESE BATTLES
"IN A BOTTLE WITH THEIR PADDLES
"AND THE BOTTLE'S ON A POODLE
"AND THE POODLE'S
EATING NOODLES,
"THEY CALL THIS A
MUDDLE-PUDDLE TWEETLE-POODLE
BEETLE-NOODLE
BOTTLE-PADDLE BATTLE."
THIS MAN IS A GENIUS.
[FOOTSTEPS STOMPING]
IF IT ISN'T OUR PROUD
LITTLE STUDENT.
WHAT DID YOU LEARN
ON YOUR FIRST DAY?
I'M WEARING THE WRONG
KIND OF SNEAKERS,
GIRLS ONLY LIKE SENIORS,
AND, MAN, YOU CAN'T COMPLIMENT
ANYBODY IN THE SHOWER.
SEE? AND YOU THOUGHT
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING.
SALLY!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
LATE FOR YOUR DATE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.
IS THIS APPROPRIATE?
YES. VERY.
WHAT DO WE DO ON A DATE?
I READ ABOUT IT. I'LL
WALK YOU THROUGH.
I'LL BE YOUR DATE!
YOU'VE GOT HOMEWORK, OLD MAN.
SO YOU GUYS GET
TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WHILE I MAKE AN AZTEC
VILLAGE OUT OF MACARONI?
THIS IS FAIR.
OK, HARRY, YOU'RE BRAD.
THE TWO OF YOU ARE AT
A ROMANTIC RESTAURANT.
HERE.
OK. NOW GO AHEAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
GAZE INTO HIS EYES
THE WAY DR. ALBRIGHT
GAZES INTO MINE.
YOU KNOW...
OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
NOW BREAK THE ICE
BY TELLING HIM SOMETHING
PERSONAL ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, UH, BRAD...
ONCE EVERY LUNAR CYCLE,
MY UTERINE LINING
SLOUGHS ITSELF,
THEREBY CAUSING...
WHOA! WHOA! HOLD IT!
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT...
NO...
THAT MAY BE TOO PERSONAL.
WELL, IT DOES.
ONE MINUTE, I'M FINE.
THE NEXT, MY UTERUS
STARTS THROBBING...
WAH-WAH-WAH WAH-WAH-WAH!
THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR KEEPING SOME
MYSTERY IN A RELATIONSHIP.
WHEN DO I GET TO
TOUCH YOUR BREASTS?
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DIE.
FAIR ENOUGH.
OW. OW. OW. OW.
♪ RAINBOWS, DAISIES ♪
♪ SNOWFLAKES, THAT GIRL ♪
MY BOYS.
[GIGGLING]
SHE SWALLOWED A TINY MONKEY.
SO, LIEUTENANT, GIVE US A FULL
REPORT ON YOUR ASSIGNMENT.
HE WAS WONDERFUL.
HE THINKS I'M WONDERFUL.
HE ASKED ME WHERE
I'D BEEN ALL HIS LIFE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?
ALL THE COORDINATES.
THANK GOODNESS
HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL HIM.
WHAT THEN?
WELL, HE WANTED
TO SLEEP WITH ME.
I WANTED SEX,
BUT SINCE HE WAS
TIRED, I LET HIM GO HOME.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS...
HE'S GONNA CALL ME.
I WISH I COULD MEET
A GUY LIKE THAT.
COME ON, SPORT.
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO SCHOOL.
BITE ME.
"BITE ME" WHAT?
BITE ME, DADDY.
THAT'S BETTER.
SEE YOU TONIGHT, SLUGGER.
NO, YOU WON'T...
'CAUSE I'LL BE OUT WITH BRAD...
HAVING FUN.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
LET'S KEEP IT MOVING, SOLOMON.
CLIMB THE ROPE.
WHAT'S AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE?
YOUR SELF-RESPECT IS
AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE.
RUN THIS BY ME AGAIN.
I CLIMB UP THERE, AND THEN I...
YOU CLIMB DOWN.
AND THIS GIVES ME
SELF-RESPECT BECAUSE...
YOU DON'T WANT
TO CLIMB THE ROPE,
YOU CAN GO SIT WITH THE GIRLS.
SO IF I DON'T CLIMB THE ROPE,
THEN I SIT WITH THE GIRLS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HELP ME OUT HERE.
I'M NOT SEEING THE DOWN SIDE.
[BIP]
MUST YOU MAKE SUCH A RACKET?!
OK. YOU'VE BOSSED ME AROUND
FOR THE LAST TIME.
OH, I'M SORRY I
BLEW UP LIKE THAT.
[BIP]
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
WHAT GOES ON
OUTSIDE OF THIS OFFICE
IS REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
THERE HE IS.
JUST BECAUSE I SET
SALLY UP WITH BRAD,
YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED
TO TELL ME HOW IT WENT.
THERE HE IS.
I'M NOT EVEN CURIOUS.
RIGHT THERE.
SALLY'S DATE...
START TALKING.
IN HER OWN WORDS,
"IT WAS WONDERFUL."
MM-HMM? MM-HMM?
SHE OVER-ATE, AND HE
FOUND HER CHARMING.
HE'S GOING TO CALL HER.
MM. MM.
WHAT?
ORANGE JUICE.
NONTOXIC.
TABASCO.
[CLENCHED TEETH] ALSO NONTOXIC.
HE SAID HE'D CALL.
YES, I KNOW.
HE PROMISED. HE SAID HE'D CALL.
I CAN TAKE MORE PAIN THAN
ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER,
BUT RIGHT NOW I FEEL SO... ICKY.
GIVE ME SOME PAIN I CAN DEFINE.
I'M NOT GOING TO JAM YOUR
HAND IN THE TOASTER AGAIN.
YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
IT'S LIKE HE REACHED IN
AND PULLED ALL THE
BONES OUT OF MY BODY.
[SOB]
MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
APPARENTLY, I'M LEAKING.
WELL, STOP IT!
ALL RIGHT, COMMANDER.
[STIFLED SOB]
WINE COOLER.
I COULD GO EITHER WAY.
LIEUTENANT, WE NEED TO TALK.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE WOMAN.
YOU'RE A VETERAN. I
THOUGHT YOU COULD HANDLE IT.
WELL, I CAN'T.
THIS IS HARD.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, DON'T...
NO. NO.
PLEASE, DON'T.
IT WENT SO GREAT.
BRAD SAID HE LIKED ME.
WHY WON'T HE CALL?
THERE, THERE.
AH!
MAYBE HE CAN'T CALL.
MAYBE HIS PHONE IS OUT.
MAYBE HE INJURED HIMSELF
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
OR USED A DRY-CLEANING
BAG AS A TOY.
DICK...
I'VE LOST ALL FEELING
IN THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODY.
COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL 116?
DO NOT TOUCH THAT PHONE.
OH, DAD?
NOW WHAT?
MY TEACHERS WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MY ATTITUDE,
AS IF I HAVE AN ATTITUDE.
JUST PERFECT.
I TRY TO MOLD A
FAMILY THAT BLENDS IN.
WHAT DO I GET?
A SURLY TEENAGER, A
SISTER OBSESSED WITH A MAN,
AND A BROTHER WHO
DRINKS TOO MUCH.
IS THERE ANOTHER FAMILY
IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
ME NEITHER.
I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAD.
"INDUCE VOMITING"...
THERE'S AN IDEA.
IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME,
I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE...
PUTTING UP PEGBOARD.
HELLO, BRAD.
SALLY.
I'VE COME TO CHECK YOUR PHONE.
SALLY, PLEASE, CALM DOWN.
NO, YOU MAY NOT MAIM HARRY.
FIND SOMEONE ON THE STREET.
TROUBLE AT HOME?
NO. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
HE DIDN'T CALL, DID HE?
NOT YET.
MM. MM.
I JUST WISH SALLY HAD SOME
WOMEN FRIENDS TO TURN TO.
ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY HELP?
YOU OFFERING?
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ASKING.
I DON'T NEED HELP.
THEN I'M NOT OFFERING.
FINE WITH ME.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT, CAN YOU?
HELP ME!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T STAND TO
SEE HER LIKE THIS.
THERE. THAT WASN'T SO HARD.
THEN YOU'LL HELP?
NO.
CAN'T YOU TAKE OUT
AND TALK TO HER?
NINA COULD JOIN YOU.
OH, I'M SORRY.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
I'M HAVING MY EYES GOUGED OUT.
CAN'T YOU RESCHEDULE IT?
PUT YOURSELF IN HER POSITION.
YOU'RE OUT ON A DATE,
AROUSING STIMULI FLY BACK
AND FORTH ACROSS THE TABLE,
AND THEN HE DOESN'T CALL.
HOW WOULD YOU REPAIR YOURSELF?
I'D GET TOASTED AND
CALL HIM FILTHY NAMES.
GREAT. GO DO THAT WITH SALLY.
YOU'RE BUYING?
OH. WELL, OF COURSE.
OH, SHE'S WAY MORE
UPSET THAN THAT.
DR. SOLOMON, LET ME BE BLUNT.
TOMMY HAS A PROBLEM
WITH AUTHORITY.
IN GYM, HE REFUSED
TO CLIMB THE ROPE.
WHAT WAS AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE?
IF HE WERE MY BOY,
I'D WARM UP HIS LITTLE BOTTOM.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DIDN'T WANT HIM
SITTING WITH THE GIRLS, RIGHT?
HE'S JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE I'VE DONE SO
MUCH BETTER THAN HE HAS.
NOBODY EVER SAID
BEING A FATHER IS EASY.
YOU'RE TELLING ME?
SOME OF YOU MUST
HAVE CHILDREN...
AS FRIGHTENING
AS THAT THOUGHT IS.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU NEED TO SET A GOOD
EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.
SINCE WHEN DID MY SON
BECOME MY RESPONSIBILITY?
YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE
FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE EDUCATING HIM.
KNOWLEDGE IS THE ONLY CHANCE
THIS PLANET HAS FOR SURVIVAL.
ONE DAY, YOU'LL NEED SOMEONE
TO SAVE YOUR COLLECTIVE BUTTS,
AND ALL YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK
FROM ARE ROPE CLIMBERS.
DR. SOLOMON, YOU'RE
AVOIDING THE REAL PROBLEM...
THE HOME ENVIRONMENT.
OF COURSE I'M AVOIDING IT.
IT'S FULL OF CRAZY PEOPLE.
OH, COME ON, SALLY.
I KNOW YOU'RE IN PAIN,
BUT HOLDING IT IN
WON'T DO ANY GOOD.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET IT OUT.
COME ON, OPEN UP.
AAH!
THAT REALLY HELPED.
THIS CAN'T BE THE FIRST
BAD DATE YOU'VE EVER HAD.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO,
A FRIEND SET ME UP
AND MY DATE TURNED OUT TO BE
THIS GIANT SLIMY YOLK SAC.
YEAH. I'VE BEEN THERE.
WHO HASN'T?
I ONCE DATED THIS
CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR.
DR. ABRAMS.
SHE'S STARTING WITH THE As.
HE INVITED ME TO PORTAGE LAKES
FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND
AND THEN JUST NEVER SHOWED UP.
DID YOU KILL HIM?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE.
VIOLENCE DOESN'T
DO YOU ANY GOOD.
HOWEVER, A GAS
TANK FULL OF SUGAR
AND A FLAMING BAG
OF DOG POOP WILL.
AND YOU TAKE THAT ORALLY?
TOMMY, YOUR TEACHERS
THINK I'M NOT ACTING
ENOUGH LIKE A FATHER TO YOU.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
BUT I WANT TO TRY
TO ACT LIKE ONE.
FINE. WHAT DO FATHERS
AND SONS DO TOGETHER?
OH, UH... THEY DO THIS.
YES. I'VE SEEN THAT.
OH. YEAH.
EXCELLENT.
WE'RE ROUGHHOUSING.
SON.
HA HA HA HA!
ERRRGH!
THIS HAS TAKEN A
WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
WE CAN DO WHAT
THE GUY DOWNSTAIRS
DOES WITH HIS SON.
THEY WATCH TV FOR
18 HOURS STRAIGHT.
YES. IT'S THE CLASSIC
MALE BONDING RITUAL.
OH, LOOK.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
ALL RIGHT! YAY! ALL RIGHT!
WHAT IS IT?
ISN'T THERE SOMEPLACE WHERE
PEOPLE CAN HAVE MEANINGLESS SEX
WITH VARIOUS PARTNERS?
YES. IT'S CALLED THE SEVENTIES.
WELL, HOW LATE IS IT OPEN?
HEY. CHECK OUT THE BARTENDER.
OOH. GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN.
I HOPE HE KEPT THE RECEIPT.
GET A LOAD OF THE
GUY IN THE VEST.
I HOPE HE KEPT THE RECEIPT.
SEE, SALLY?
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.
GUYS ARE JERKS.
YOU'LL JUST NEVER
FIND THE PERFECT MAN.
THE PERFECT MAN WOULD
HAVE BILL GATES' MONEY,
JIMMY SMITS' ASS,
LIAM NEESON'S SHOULDERS,
MICHAEL JORDAN'S THIGHS...
AND WE NEED A BRAIN.
NO, WE DON'T.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEN HE'D THINK LIKE A MAN.
SEE? THERE'S JUST NO DEALING
WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.
YES. YES. THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
IT'S MEN.
THEY'RE A COMPLETELY
OPPOSITE SEX.
THEY HUNT, WE GATHER.
THEY SWEAT, WE GLOW.
THEY SHAKE, WE WIPE.
YOU!
YOUR SEXUAL ORGANS
ARE IN TOTAL DIAMETRIC
OPPOSITION TO MINE.
SO... CAN I GIVE YOU
A CALL SOMETIME?
OH, YEAH. I'LL BE
WAITING BY THE PHONE.
HA HA HA HA!
HAVE WE POISONED HER?
NO. NOW SHE'S A BUXOM,
LEGGY, POUTY-LIPPED
BITCH WITH ATTITUDE.
I THINK SHE'LL DO JUST FINE.
[DOORBELL]
HELLO, BRAD.
S-SALLY.
I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT I UNDERSTAND
YOUR LIMITATIONS.
I EXPECTED TOO MUCH.
I'M SO SORRY.
ALL THE BEST.
OOPS.
GOT YOUR KNOB.
HASN'T TONIGHT BEEN GREAT?
JUST US BOYS DRINKING BEER,
YELLING LIKE IDIOTS,
EMITTING VARIOUS GASSES.
OH, LOOK.
THEY'RE DOING THAT THING AGAIN.
LOOK OUT. OH...
WHOA... WHOA... WHOA...
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
THAT WAS GREAT.
SALLY'S BACK.
PARTY'S OVER.
THANK GOD.
SALLY, YOU'RE SMILING.
YOU'RE FIXED.
NO, DICK, I'M NOT FIXED,
BECAUSE I WAS NEVER BROKEN.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.
I'M A WOMAN.
YES, AND...
WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
I DON'T KNOW.
EXACTLY. AND DO
YOU FEEL THE URGE
TO HAVE AN 8-POUND
SCREAMING LARVA
RIP ITS WAY OUT OF
YOUR LOWER ABDOMEN?
NO. I THINK I COULD
DO WITHOUT THAT.
YOU SEE?
YOU AND I ARE
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE FORMS.
AND IT'S JUST SOME
SICK COSMIC JOKE
THAT WE HAVE TO SHARE A PLANET.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOUR ASSIGNMENT.
MAYBE IT WASN'T FAIR
MAKING YOU THE WOMAN.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I CAN HANDLE THE MOOD SWINGS,
THE EMOTIONAL
ISSUES, THE CAT CALLS,
THE PUNITIVE UNDERWEAR,
BECAUSE, FRANKLY,
WHEN I THINK OF
THE ALTERNATIVE...
I JUST HAVE TO LAUGH.
MOTHER EARTH.
FATHER TIME.
LADY LUCK.
GENTLEMEN'S QUARTERLY.
DAUGHTERS OF THE
AMERICAN REVOLUTION.
SON OF KONG.
FAIRY GODMOTHER.
THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.
MISSISSIPPI.
MR. SIPPI.
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS AND THE U.S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION