3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 16 - Dick Like Me - full transcript

WHY COME TO SCHOOL TO
TALK TO TOMMY'S TEACHERS?

IT'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

WHY CAN'T THEY COME TO US?

THE HIGH SCHOOL
TEACHERS ON THIS PLANET

ARE SO FULL OF THEMSELVES.

IT'S ALL THOSE TV COMMERCIALS
GLORIFYING LEARNING.

"THE MORE YOU KNOW."

IT MAKES THEM DRUNK WITH POWER.

YEAH. WELL, THAT'S GOING
TO CHANGE RIGHT NOW.

WHERE'S THIS
MR. RANDELL, ANYWAY?

WHEN THAT MEALY-MOUTHED
LITTLE WORM SHOWS UP,



I'LL TEACH HIM THE
MEANING OF THE WORD...

HIYA.

DR. AND MRS. SOLOMON?

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

I'M HIS SISTER.

A WOMAN.

NOT MARRIED.

JUST ME.

SINGLE SALLY.

I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE I'M STILL CLEAN-SHAVEN.

SO YOU CAN BEGIN LAVISHING
TOMMY WITH PRAISES

ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.

WELL, UH, THE TRUTH IS,



I THINK TOMMY CAN
DO A LOT BETTER.

BE CAREFUL, SIR. YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT THE CREATURE

I'VE COME TO THINK OF AS MY SON.

HE COULD DO BETTER.

YOU KNOW...

WHATEVER.

EXCUSE US.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S GIVING OFF THIS
VIBE. CAN'T YOU FEEL IT?

DOES IT FEEL LIKE A STABBING
PAIN IN YOUR LEFT BUTTOCK?

NO.

THEN I APPEAR TO
BE SITTING ON A TACK.

DR. SOLOMON.

TOMMY'S VERY
BRIGHT... NO QUESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, TOMMY'S
HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FITTING IN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EXCUSE ME, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

ABOUT THE THICKNESS OF YOUR NECK

AND THE BROADNESS
OF YOUR SHOULDERS

THAT MAKES ME THINK
YOU'D BE AN AGILE HUNTER

AND PROVIDE WELL
FOR OUR CHILDREN.

SALLY, I CHAPERONE THE SCHOOL
DANCE EVERY YEAR. WOULD YOU...

YES.

GREAT.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT TOMMY?

HE'S FINE. GREAT KID.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?

NEXT TIME, YOU MIGHT TRY
ORGANIZING YOUR THOUGHTS

ON A LITTLE INDEX
CARD FIRST. COME ON.

WASN'T HE CUTE?

TOTALLY ADORABLE. A LITTLE
ON THE SCATTERED SIDE.

HE ASKED ME TO GO TO A
DANCE. I GET TO GO DANCING!

NICE.

WHAT'S DANCING?

SALLY!

AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,

ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.

THIS IS THE STORY OF
FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.

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HARRY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OH, UH, SURE.

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND
TO FINISH WHAT I WAS DOING.

O.K., WHAT IS IT?

CAN YOU DANCE?

HMM. I HAVE NO
IDEA, BUT I'LL TRY.

WHY, YES, I CAN.

IT APPEARS I'M QUITE GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I THINK IT'S A
BUILT-IN FUNCTION.

YOU TRY.

WOW.

YOU SUCK.

YOU MUST FEEL LIKE CRAP.

THAT'S IT...

SMACK ME.

TOMMY. I TALKED TO YOUR
TEACHER MR. RANDELL.

HE SAID YOU'RE NOT FITTING IN.

OF COURSE I'M NOT FITTING IN.

TO FIT IN, YOU HAVE
TO BE SOMETHING.

WELL, WE'RE SOMETHING.
WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

WHY? HAS ANYONE
SAID DIFFERENTLY?

NO, IT'S JUST THAT EVERYBODY
AT SCHOOL IS SOMETHING EXTRA.

THEY'RE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
OR ITALIAN-AMERICAN,

ASIAN-AMERICAN,
AUDIO-VISUAL AMERICAN.

WELL, WE'RE HUMAN-AMERICAN.
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

NO, DICK, IT'S PART OF MY
MISSION AS AN ADOLESCENT

TO REBEL AGAINST MY UPBRINGING.

IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT
WE ARE, I CAN'T DO MY JOB.

FRANKLY, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

IF WE HAVE TO BE PART OF
SOME GROUP, WE WILL BE.

I'LL DO SOME RESEARCH.
I'LL ASK AROUND.

I'LL FIND OUT WHAT
THE BEST THING TO BE IS.

BY WEEK'S END, WE'LL BE THAT.

WHAT SHOULD I BE TILL THEN?

WE'RE CARBON-BASED LIFE FORMS.

JUST TELL EVERYONE
WE'RE CARBO-AMERICANS.

AZTEC...

TOLTEC...

TOLTEC, INCA, INUIT...

BEDOUIN,

INDIAN...

SIKH.

AZTEC, TOLTEC, TOLTEC, INCA,

INCA, BEDOUIN, INDIAN, SIKH.

AZTEC, TOLTEC, TOLTEC, INCA,

INCA, BEDOUIN, IND...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DESK?

ANTHROPOLOGY...
IT'S FASCINATING.

SUCH A WEALTH OF CULTURES.

UP UNTIL NOW, I THOUGHT
WHAT YOU DID WAS POINTLESS

AND OF NO INTEREST TO
ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NOT
AS FASCINATING AS PHYSICS.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY LOVES MATH.

GET AWAY FROM MY DESK.

NINA, WHAT IS THAT
THING ON YOUR HEAD?

IT'S CALLED A DAIKU.

I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU. IT'S AUTHENTIC.

IT MAKES ME FEEL
CONNECTED TO MY ANCESTORS.

SO THAT'S THE TRADITIONAL
HEADDRESS OF ANCIENT SECRETARIES?

NO.

OF MY AFRICAN ANCESTORS.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

I'M BLACK.

WELL, OF COURSE I NOTICED.

AND DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU ARE...

COULD I BE ANY WHITER?

WHAT?

I'M SORRY. ALL YOU
PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I DON'T SEE WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO
DIVIDE UP INTO ARBITRARY SUBSETS.

I MEAN, SKIN COLOR, PLEASE.

YOU MAY SEE COLOR,
BUT I SEE PEOPLE.

AREN'T WE FORTUNATE TO
HAVE SOMEONE SO ENLIGHTENED?

OH, PIOUS ONE, SHOW US THE WAY.

THIS VERGES ON SARCASM.

MY HERITAGE HAPPENS TO BE

VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

AS IT SHOULD BE.

I'M IRISH, AND I'M
VERY PROUD OF THAT.

AND YOU'RE... WHAT?

UH, ME?

I... I... I... I'M, UH...

ONE OF THOSE, UH...

YOU KNOW, ONE OF
THE REALLY GOOD ONES.

YOU'RE THIS BIG ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YOU TELL ME. WHAT AM I?

CERTIFIABLE.

YES, THAT'S WHAT
I AM... CERTIFIABLE.

CERTIFIABLE AND
DAMN PROUD OF IT.

AS MY FATHER WAS BEFORE ME

AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM
AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM.

CERTIFIABLE.

OF COURSE, WE NO
LONGER PRACTICE.

YOU SEE, SALLY, DANCING
IS ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.

WATCH HARRY.

SEE... ♪ I GOT THAT
HIP-HOP STREAK ♪

♪ DON'T CARE ABOUT NOTHIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M ALL OF THAT
AND A SIDE OF FRIES... ♪

WHEREAS MY ATTITUDE IS MORE...

♪ GOT HOME FROM
TEACHIN' PHYSICS ♪

♪ AND I'M WONDERIN'
WHAT'S FOR DINNER ♪

♪ BUT I AIN'T GONNA SWEAT IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I AIN'T
EVEN FROM HERE ♪

HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!

HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!

♪ ALTHOUGH WE DIS 'EM ♪

♪ WE LOVE THIS SOLAR SYSTEM ♪

I HATE THIS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE
TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE

TO BE WITH THIS GUY.

IF YOU REALLY WANT MR. RANDELL,

USE THE SKILLS YOU'RE
COMFORTABLE WITH.

SHOOT A TRANQUILIZER
DART INTO HIS NECK

AND DRAG HIM BACK TO YOUR PLACE.

THAT IS NOT THE BEHAVIOR
OF A HUMAN FEMALE.

EXACTLY.

I WANT TO CHARM
HIM, BEGUILE HIM...

I WANT HIM TO BUY ME A PWESENT.

TOMMY, HOW WAS SCHOOL?

AWFUL.

I LOST MY MATH BOOK,

AND I COULDN'T CONVINCE
ANYBODY THAT I WAS SAMOAN.

DON'T WORRY.

THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS

IS RIGHT HERE IN THIS BOOK.

IT'S LOADED WITH EVERY
POSSIBLE GENRE OF HUMAN.

IT'S LIKE A CATALOG.

YOU CAN TAKE YOU PICK,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.

SO, WHO DO YOU WANT TO JOIN?

THEY'RE TOO SCRAWNY.

THEM?

NO. UGLY FLAG.

NO. TOO MANY GODS.

I'M NOT PUTTING THAT ON MY HEAD.

AHA! HERE WE GO.

CANADIANS.

YAH. RIGHT.

NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT
EINSTEIN'S BOUNDARY CONDITIONS

ACCORDING TO THE
THEORY OF RELATIVITY.

EINSTEIN, A JEW...

NEVER COULD HAVE
MADE THIS BREAKTHROUGH

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR
THE EARLIER WORK

OF COPERNICUS, POLISH...

OR TYCHO BRAHE,

THE UNLUCKY DANE FROM PRAGUE.

WHICH BRINGS UP
ANOTHER QUESTION.

HOW MANY PUERTO RICANS
DO WE HAVE IN CLASS?

ANY PUERTO RICANS?

LEON, WHAT ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.

DUTCH.

I LOVE YOUR TULIPS
AND YOUR DIKES.

OH, THANK YOU.

HOWEVER, I TURNED
YOUR PEOPLE DOWN

BECAUSE OF THE SILLY SHOES.

O.K. NO PUERTO RICANS?

ANY LATINOS IN GENERAL?

ANYONE WITH LATINO INFORMATION?

ANYBODY?

DR. SOLOMON, WITH
ALL DUE RESPECT,

I FIND THIS OFFENSIVE.

PITMAN, YOU WON'T BE LEFT OUT.

I'LL GET TO THE ASIANS.

WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SO
INTERESTED IN WHAT EVERYBODY IS?

I HAVE TO KNOW. IT'S IMPORTANT.

YES, IT IS. NO, IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S NOT. YES, IT IS.

YES, IT IS. NO, IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S NOT.

THE ONLY THING THAT
MATTERS ABOUT A PERSON

IS WHAT THEY HAVE INSIDE.

YEAH? THEN HOW COME YOU
ONLY DATE GOOD-LOOKING GUYS.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU TURNED HIM DOWN.

SHUT UP.

HERE ARE YOUR BOOKS.

I READ EACH ONE OF THEM,

AND I'M JUST AS
CONFUSED AS I EVER WAS.

YOU READ 15 BOOKS IN ONE NIGHT?

WELL, I TOOK A
COUPLE OF HOURS OUT

TO WATCH JAPANESE GOLF ON CABLE.

THE PROBLEM IS, THESE
BOOKS ARE FULL OF DRY FACTS,

BUT NO VALUE JUDGMENTS.

THIS IS YOUR FIELD. YOU TELL ME.

OUT OF ALL THE POSSIBLE ETHNIC
GROUPS, WHICH IS THE BEST?

OH, NO. THERE'S NO BEST.

IT'S ALL SUBJECTIVE.

WHICH DO YOU FIND
THE MOST INTERESTING?

OH, THERE'S SO MANY.

I LOVE THE CREATIVE
AMBITION OF THE MAORI PEOPLE.

UH... THE POLYNESIAN CULTURE
WITH ITS JOYOUS EMBRACE OF NATURE.

UH, THE QUIET DIGNITY...

WHAT'S THE SEXIEST?

ITALIANS.

ITALIANS.

SMOKY, SWARTHY...

GOTTA HAVE 'EM.

OH. GOT TO GO.

ITALIANS.

♪ IN NAPOLI ♪

♪ WHERE LOVE IS-A KING ♪

♪ WHERE A BOY MEETS A GIRL ♪

♪ HERE IS-A WHAT THEY SING ♪

♪ WHEN THE MOON
HITS-A YOUR EYE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BUONA SERA, SIGNORINA.

♪ WHEN THE WORLD-A
SEEMS TO SHINE ♪

♪ LIKE-A YOU'VE HAD-A
YOU TOO MUCH WINE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

♪ BELLS WILL RING,
TING-A-TING-A-LING ♪

♪ TING-A-TING-A-LING ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL SING VI ♪

♪ TA BELLA ♪

♪ HEARTS WILL PLAY,
TIPPY-TIPPY-TAY ♪

♪ TIPPY-TIPPY-TAY ♪

♪ LIKE A GAY TAR ♪

♪ AN ♪

♪ TELLA ♪

WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON OUT THERE?

NOTHING, MR. RATNER!

OH, WOULD YOU
PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE SOMEBODY CALLS THE COPS?

THE COPS, THEY CANNOT-A
THWART MY PASSION.

I WILL STAND-A RIGHT HERE

TILL YOUR PACK OF-A WILD DOGS

CHASE-A ME AWAY!

DOGS!

RUN!

USUALLY WHEN A
STUDENT GETS HURT,

WE LET THEM GO HOME EARLY.

SOMEONE FROM YOUR FAMILY
COULD COME PICK YOU UP.

SOMEONE LIKE... SALLY.

WHY DID YOU SAY
HER NAME LIKE THAT?

WHAT?

ALL I SAID WAS...

SALLY.

UH, NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T REALLY NEED
TO GET PICKED UP.

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG,

BUT I'M KIND OF NEW
AT BEING KOREAN.

OOPS.

YOU LEFT THIS IN MY DRIVEWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

I BACKED OVER IT
FIVE OR SIX TIMES.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW BADLY YOU
EMBARRASSED ME LAST NIGHT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA HOW HARD IT IS

TO FIND A CONCERTINA IN OHIO?

WHAT THE HELL WAS
GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?

I SEE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T
LIKE ITALIANS AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIM.

SINCE WHEN DON'T
YOU LIKE ITALIANS?

PLEASE, NINA, WE'RE
DISCUSSING PREJUDICE HERE,

SOMETHING YOU
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

I'M BLACK.

OH!

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

"NINA IS...

BLACK."

SALLY, COME OUT OF THERE.

GO AWAY!

THEN WE'RE COMING IN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OH, SURE. YOU CAN PUT
ON A TIGHT LITTLE DRESS

AND LOOK SEXY AND GORGEOUS,

BUT ALL MEN CARE
ABOUT IS HOW YOU DANCE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I'M AFRAID!

OF WHAT?

I'M AFRAID I'LL DO
SOMETHING STUPID,

AND HE WON'T LIKE ME.

DON'T LEAK. I HATE
IT WHEN YOU LEAK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

UH, DICK,

MAYBE I'M JUST SHOOTIN'
PORK IN A BARREL HERE,

BUT ISN'T THAT HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT DR. ALBRIGHT?

OH, PLEASE.

THAT IS SO WRONG.
MR. RANDELL IS YOUNG AND...

COME IN.

OW.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT,
SALLY, YOUR DATE'S HERE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
GREAT, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF US.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS YET.

WHEN I FIND OUT,
THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL BE!

EVERYBODY READY?

READY. READY.

LET'S GO.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND BE A GIRL!

YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU. WELL... COME ON.

THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

WELL...

WELL.

SO...

WHAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO...

BEAR YOUR CHILDREN?

NO. I WAS GOING TO SAY DANCE.

OHH...

THAT WAS REALLY
EMBARRASSING, WASN'T IT?

NO.

NO, NOT AT ALL.

SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

BEAR YOUR CHILDREN?

DANCE.

OH. UH...

WELL, SEE, I DON'T REALLY
THINK THAT WOULD...

O.K.

AHH...

NOW, THIS I CAN DO.

I WAS KIND OF AFRAID
TO COME HERE TONIGHT.

WHY?

I JUST WASN'T SURE
I'D HAVE A GOOD TIME.

ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

OH, YEAH.

CAN I PUT MY ARM AROUND YOU?

YES.

CAN I PUT MY HEAD
ON YOUR SHOULDER?

PLEASE.

CAN I PUT MY HAND
IN YOUR POCKET?

DO YOU NEED CHANGE?

DESPERATELY.

YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL.

MY WHOLE FRONT IS WARM.

DO YOU MIND IF I TURN AROUND?

WELL, I...

MMM...

TOASTY.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT
YOU ON THE SPOT,

BUT IF WE DON'T KISS SOON,
MY HEAD'S GOING TO EXPLODE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S
GOOD FOR THAT? CALCIUM.

♪ OH, THIS PLANET SUCKS ♪

♪ LORD, IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY ♪

♪ YEAH, I SAID THIS
PLANET SUCKS ♪

♪ LORD, IT MAKES A
POOR BOY WANNA CRY ♪

♪ AND IF I DIDN'T
KNOW WE WAS LEAVIN' ♪

♪ LORD, I MIGHT JUST HANG
MY HEAD DOWN AND DIE ♪

TOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, I'M BLACK NOW.

I'M BLACK, AND I GOT THE BLUES.

YOU CAN'T BE
BLACK. NINA IS BLACK.

I GET THE IMPRESSION FROM HER

THEY HAVE STRICT RULES
ABOUT THESE THINGS.

♪ NOW I CAN'T EVEN BE BLACK... ♪

TOMMY, PUT THAT THING DOWN!

♪ THE MAN START BOSSIN' ♪

♪ I BELIEVE YOU BETTER JUMP... ♪

WAAH!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

WHO DIED AND MADE
YOU T-BONE WALKER?

MRS. DUBCEK, AS LONG
AS YOU'RE UP HERE,

WHAT ETHNIC GROUP
DO YOU COME FROM?

WELL, I'M A LITTLE
CZECH, A LITTLE ROMANIAN.

I'M YOUR BASIC SLAVIC
MUTT, LIKE MY THIRD HUSBAND.

WHAT WERE YOUR FIRST TWO?

WELL, THE FIRST WAS IRISH,

AND THE SECOND WAS
ONE OF YOUR PEOPLE.

OUR PEOPLE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, JEWISH.

JEWISH! JEWISH! JEWISH!

SO, WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

WELL, WITH YOUR NAME,
IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.

OUR NAME?

SOLOMON.

OH, YOU WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL WOMAN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW.

I'M STILL A MINORITY.

YOU KNOW, CHICKS DIG MINORITIES.

WHO KNEW THAT SOLOMON
WAS A JEWISH NAME

WHEN WE TOOK IT OFF
THE SIDE OF THAT TRUCK?

GO FIGURE.

WE COULD HAVE
BEEN THE WAL-MARTS.

WE'RE JEWISH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

MAZEL TOV!

I'M SORRY. IT JUST POPPED OUT.

ISN'T IT GREAT TO
KNOW WHO WE ARE?

I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I BELONG

IN THIS BIG MELTING
POT THEY CALL EARTH.

WHAT A MAGICAL NIGHT.

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

I WAS GREAT.

HE REALLY LIKED MY KISSING.

EXCEPT THE SPITTING AND BITING.

SO YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, HUH?

WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

HE'S INTELLIGENT,
KIND, SWEET, GENTLE.

SO...

IS HE JEWISH?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,

AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE