30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 9 - Game Over - full transcript

Liz, I've helped a lot of women

who are struggling to conceive.

I know how trying the process can be,

because I've been through it myself.

Carol, they're towing your car!

Damn it.
My kids are in there.

No! How?

I came all the way up to Westchester

just to avoid you.

This is Westchester?
I am lost.

Now, fertility shots...



That's a euphemism, right?

No, my husband and I
are trying to conceive.

I'm gonna write you a prescription

for progesterone injections.

That's a female hormone.

Now, I know what you're
thinking, and the answer is no.

If a man takes it,
he won't grow breasts,

although that would be awesome.

No money for the whorehouse?
That's fine.

I'll just look down
while hiding my crotch

with an oriental fan.

Injections?

"Injections"?
Yeah, injections.

Are you Dr. Leo Spaceman?



Come with us to Washington.

You've just been named

surgeon general of the United States.

Hey, that's a series wrap

on Leo Spaceman, suckers.

Bye.

30 ROCK
S07 Ep09 - Game Over

Are you doping?

Liz Lemon, that stuff
will shrink your testicles,

but there are bad side effects as well.

No, Tracy. Not that
it's any of your business,

but I am starting fertility treatments.

Now, I'm not a woman,

so of course I can say whatever I want.

This seems really weird and unnatural.

"Side effects include mood
swings, increased irritability,

and swelling
of one or more boobs."

- Can I help you with something?
- Yeah.

I'm about to start shooting
my new Harriet tubman movie,

and I got octavia Spencer
to play the lead...

Harriet something.

You know, I once played
Frederick douglass

in a one-woman show

that the university of Maryland
Diamondback called

"too confusing
to be offensive."

Point is, I won't be at rehearsal

at all this week.
No, Tracy.

Exactly.
No Tracy.

Thanks for being so understanding.

- Good morning, Jack.
- Hank.

I was so sorry to hear
about your mother.

Thank you, Hank.

I remember my own mother's passing.

She wanted to be cremated,

and she ended up dying in a fire.

Such a considerate woman.

Well, on a brighter note,

I should wish you a Happy Birthday.

No, no.
It's not my birthday yet.

And it only counts when
it's actually on your birthday.

I have very strict birthday rules.

One... birthday boy always sleeps
in the largest tiger cage.

Some of the rules may be
specific to my time in Vietnam.

Now, Jack, as you know,

the Kabletown board
is meeting this Friday.

I promised my wife I'd step aside

when I turned 70,

but it's very important to me
that control of Kabletown

stays in the Hooper family.

But my kids are creative types.

Yes, I understand
that Hank Jr. is writing

a children's book about a giraffe

who learns
he doesn't have to work hard.

But they say sometimes
it skips a generation.

I think you know my granddaughter.

Sir, Kaylie is only 15.

Yeah, but when she gets out
of college, she'll be 21.

That's the same age I was
when I started Kabletown,

got married,
and had my first white child.

Hank, please think
about your other options.

Jack, you've done
an excellent job with NBC.

I admit I was skeptical

when I first saw your fall schedule.

"What? Is this guy
trying to tank the company?"

But, boy, you proved me wrong.

Celebrity homonym is
the number-one show in America.

The word is "racket."

Okay, "racket," like a tennis racket.

Sorry.
It's the other one.

Again?
You know what, pal?

Why don't you come over here
and tell me that?

I am grateful.

That's why I came up with a solution

that will make everyone happy.

Until Kaylie graduates,
you'll be her assistant CEO.

"Assistant"?

CEO.

She'll be on the board,
learning the ropes,

and you'll keep her chair warm.

It'll work great,
just like Conan and Jay.

Have you ever
updated your flash player?

It is so sad.

What happens
to version 11.4?

- What now?
- I'm taking hormone shots

to have a baby, you son of a bitch!

A beautiful little baby.

Being a woman is the worst.

Lemon, Hank Hooper just told me

I will never be CEO of Kabletown,

but he doesn't know
about my secret weapon...

My mother's death.

- Wait. So we're both crazy?
- No.

I've spent my life trying
to win my mother's approval,

but she never gave it to me,

which means I can't ever stop trying,

even when faced
with an impossible task,

like making Hank choose me
over his own granddaughter.

- How much time do you have?
- Three days.

It's exactly the kind of challenge

my mother's anti-love
prepared me for.

I'll make you proud of me yet, Colleen!

It'll either be my masterpiece,

or I will resign in shame.

Just like poor Nixon.

He did good things in China.

Hey.

Octavia, excellent, you're black.

Now, in this scene,

you're gonna enter through the door.

I don't think so.

I'm gonna walk in from over here.

But the door.

Well, you're just gonna have
to rewrite the script

and explain how my character
can go through walls.

Also, I want to wear a t-shirt,
promote my website.

But slaves
didn't wear t-shirts.

That sounds
like a Tracy problem, Tracy.

I'm done for the day.

I got to go home and feed my eels.

They're not electric,
but I have a plan.

Mizz, Dotgov, let's roll.

Len, I'm in the endgame here
with this Kabletown situation.

Do you have anything on Kaylie for me?

Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you asked me

to pull out all the stops on
this, so I went deep undercover,

and I applied for a job
as a drama teacher

at Kaylie's school.

Hi, I'm Ms. Foster,

but, please, call me Jan.

Boy, Jay-Z and Shakespeare
have nothing in common.

Or do they?

Fyi... Jan Foster is currently
in a "lesbian relationship"

with Ms. Siegal
from the math department.

Okay, I don't know
why you had to be a woman.

Let me worry about that.

The point is Jan took these pictures

this morning outside school.

She thinks you'll be
very interested in them.

Banks.

Pedal faster, fatties.

God, I love how much you disgust me.

Class dismissed.

Really, banks?
Spin class?

Isn't that a bit of a gay cliche?

You're the gay one.

Wanting to be with a woman...
How gay is that?

You win sex against a man,

that's as straight as it gets.

You were good...
One of the best.

But look at you now.

Hitching your wagon
to a 15-year-old girl?

Look, I understand
why Kaylie would seek you out.

No one knows me better.

But you also know
that Jack Donaghy always wins.

Or have you forgotten
the time we played battleship?B

Remember A-8?

You peeked.

Why are you here, Jack?

To propose something,

something no one would ever expect...

An alliance.

Think about it.

How much time and energy have we wasted

with our sparring and our
gravel-voiced double entendres?

An assload.

If we joined forces,

we could become
the greatest business power duo

since Gregory Linens
teamed up with Thomas n'things.

And whatever Kaylie's offering,
I'll double it.

I'll tell you
what Kaylie's offering me...

100 grand to keep my mouth shut.

Keep your mouth shut?
What do you mean?

I know certain things, Jack,
about Kaylie's father...

Certain super-gay things.

Hank's son is gay?

How gay, banks,

on a scale from bear hunting
to hunting bears?

Gay enough that Kaylie's parents
have never actually had

heterosexual intercourse.

Word is Kaylie's real father
is the Poole boy.

Do you know him...

Frederick Poole's grandson Trevor?

Very handsome, horrible personality...

I'm totally in love with him.

But if Kaylie isn't really
Hank's granddaughter...

Then she isn't actually family.

And once she's out of the picture,

you're the only choice
to take over Kabletown.

And you're gonna take me with you.

But how do we prove
Kaylie's not a Hooper?

All we need is DNA.

I've got a ton of her dad's.

So we just need Kaylie's.

Hi, Bev.
It's Liz.

Liz!

Yeah, definitely, don't give me
your last name,

because I only deal
with one person a year,

so I know exactly who you are.

It's Elizabeth Lemon.

I've been on the agency's list
for a few years now.

I wanted to see if you got my letter

updating my marital status.

Yes.
Congratulations.

You've moved from
the "well-meaning lesbian" pile

to "found a man,
comma, living a lie."

That brings your wait time
down to only four years.

Four years?

So I'll be 46 by the time I get a baby?

Unless you'd like
to adopt an older child.

I can give you
a six-year-old yesterday.

Pick a color.

I just always pictured
myself getting a newborn.

And I always pictured myself

getting double-teamed
by two the rocks.

But sometimes we have
to make compromises.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Jack, how old is too old
for a woman to have a baby?

19.

Look, I have three options

if I still want to start a family.

There's the old-fashioned way,

but these hormone treatments
are the worst.

And even if they work, at my age,

the kid might just come out
a ball of fingers.

Steve Forbes was born
a ball of fingers.

He had the best surgeons money can buy,

but you can still tell.

So option two is adopting a baby,

but I have to wait four more years.

I'll be almost 70

when she graduates from college,

which just leaves option three...
Adopting an older kid,

but I don't think I can handle that.

Really?
Wouldn't that be easier

than taking care of an infant?

No. With a baby, you know
what you're getting.

With an older kid, who knows?

For every orphan Annie, there's
a 30-year-old Russian dwarf

who's just pretending to be a child,

according to a movie
that I watched part of.

We are both at a crossroads, Lemon.

I have chosen my path.
It's time you do the same.

Hello, partner.

What's happening here?

What's happening to your left blob?

- It's the hormones.
- Lemon, thanks to banks,

I have reason to believe that Kaylie

is not her father's daughter.

The reason
being a week-long party

in Stephen sondheim's sex dungeon.

The workmanship down there
is exquisite,

but it took forever.

Renovations in New York.

The point is, when Hank finds out

that Kaylie's not family...

My God, are you planning
on telling Hank

just so you can get a promotion?

Not just a promotion.
I'll be CEO.

And I'll be NBC's head of publicity.

You'll never see me again.
I'll be on a beach somewhere.

I know this is important to you,

but you are off the rails, Jack.

Thanks for the compliment, Lemon.

Train travel's for hoboes.

What you're doing makes no sense.

You're teaming up with Devin?

Hey, listen, I've changed, Lemon.

The only backstabbing I do now is...

Well, you know.

Every time I think we're done
with that, we find another one.

You're trying to tear apart a family.

You're in a blood feud
with a teenage girl.

All she wants to do is talk
about boys and text on her phone

and, if she's like me, sit in a closet

with a flashlight
and memorize airport codes.

Her phone.
Lemon, you're a genius.

That's how we get Kaylie's DNA.

Teenage girls can't stop looking
at their phones.

It's like me with paintings of cannons.

Yes, her DNA's
all over that phone, of course.

But how can we get close enough
to steal it?

We need a teenage girl.

Or someone who thinks like one.

Damn it.
Why do I keep helping you?

I'll just do anything for approval.

I would have been a Nazi.

Who do we know who's immature
and vicious enough to...

Let's destroy her.

Now, what can I do
for you two gentlemen?

Hello, Mr. Director.

- So how's the movie going?
- Terrible.

Octavia won't do anything
I tell her to do.

She left early.

She's completely unprofessional.

I don't know, Tray.

Sound like she acting like you.

But I'm impossible to deal with.

No one has ever been able
to rein in my hilarious antics.

Liz Lemon does it every day
and looks great doing it.

Okay.
So I should just act like her.

W.W.R.X.W.

What would Liz Lemon do?

Kaylie Hooper.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Jack, pleasure's the name
of a pony I hate.

This is business.

So I just happened to bump
into Jenna Maroney

at lunch this afternoon.

What are the chances?

What did you do to her, Hooper?

Her brain's like silly putty,

a toy I am too old for.

Kaylie Hooper.

O.M.G.
It's Jenna.

You're wearing that belt
as a joke, right?

Of course I am.

Where did you get your belt?
You're so cool.

Jack is trying to destroy you

and wants me to steal your phone.

Yeah, great plan, Jack.

Kaylie, you look so gorgeous today.

I'm wearing a headband because you are.

Pathetic.

What did you think you were
gonna do... blackmail me?

Please, I don't keep anything
on my phone anymore.

I use gadzorp.

What on Earth is that?

You're so old
and out of touch, Donaghy.

I might as well be looking
at Justin Timberlake.

I quit, cows.
Tell your husbands I tried.

How'd you get these DNA results
back so fast?

I happen to have
some very powerful friends

at the Maury Povich show.

Kaylie's not Hank's granddaughter.

I knew it.

Would you like to...

Do the honors?

Look how far we've come, Jack.

From enemies to partners to who knows.

Come on, let's get
a couple of wines in you

and just start wrestling.

Yeah, the whole cabin vibe
wasn't working for me.

And this movie cannot take place
in Maryland

because of my ongoing feud
with Cal ripken.

Blargh.
I'm Liz Lemon.

I'm in charge!
Nerds!

I want to have a baby.

My boyfriend is a pilot or something.

Sandwiches.

So you want to be the crazy one.

Nuh.
I'll show you crazy.

I'm a Jedi.

I'm not coming to work tomorrow.

Gentlemen...
Actually, Jack,

I've decided to continue living
as Jan Foster.

It's just in all these years
as a P.I.,

I think my greatest disguise
was len wazniak.

Tomorrow, the sun rises on
a new day on Kabletown,

for America and for all of us.

To victory.

Kaylie, how do I not seen you to join
us?

I know what's past your bad time.

This party's lame. Let's go Kaylie.

Devin? What are you doing here?

And Mr. Foster?

Hi honey!

It's 20% of your midterm grade.

I don't understand.

Well, let me explain.

Banks is on my side,

and Ms. Foster
is a private investigator

- I hired to follow you.
- Was a private investigator,

is a drama teacher,

and, as of last night,

engaged to Ms. Siegal.

So I know Hank Jr.
Isn't your father.

And now so does...

Your pop-pop.

Game over, Kaylie.

"Game over, Kaylie."

This was too easy, Jack.

Banks, what are you doing?

FYI Kaylie is my best friend,

so I sit next to her at the movies.

Why can't she just sit in the middle?

Jack...

Sweet, sweet Jack.

You wanted this so badly,

you were willing to believe anything...

That Devin would team up with you,

that I wouldn't notice miss Foster

sit on her testicles the other day,

that my father is gay.

I am Hank Hooper's granddaughter, Jack.

But what about the DNA, the glass?

You mean the glass I stole
from Jenna's dressing room?

That was Jenna's DNA, Jack.

So Jenna is an Ashkenazi Jew
with an extra "Y" chromosome?

- What's that, now?
- It was so simple.

And when you made your move with Jenna,

all I had to do
was see straight through it,

come back here, and plant that glass.

You got the DNA results
you were hoping for

and sent them
straight to pop-pop.

This is why everyone hates you, Jack.

We were all talking
about it before at the mall.

How do you think old
Hank Hooper's gonna take that...

You attempting to destroy his family?

There's nothing pop-pop
cares more about than family.

God, what have I done?

Goodbye, Jack.

See you never.

Yeah, Jack.
See you never.

Last word.

Yes, I suppose that's one way
this could have played out.

But there are other possibilities.

Hypothetically, what if
I never trusted banks at all?

What if I knew len would be
the worst mole ever?

I'll tell him you said that.

And what if I knew
the DNA gambit was bait

and I never sent in
those test results at all?

Well, that's impossible.

I mailed them myself.
Did you?

Okay.

So you didn't do anything at all.

Well, that's idiotic.

Kabletown board is meeting tomorrow,

and you've done nothing
to change pop-pop's mind.

You just wasted a whole week.

Not quite, Kaylie,

because I did send something to Hank...

A birthday card.

- My God. No.
- Yes.

You see, there is one thing

Hank cares about as much as family...

Birthdays.

So what did you send him, Kaylie?

I'm not the one who wasted a week.

While I distracted you,

you forgot
Pop-Pop's 70th birthday.

Midnight.

You missed it.

And how do you think

old Hank Hooper's
gonna take that, Kaylie?

Wonderful.

You sent him something, right, Kaylie?

Kaylie?

I lost.

After college, I'm gonna have
to go into publishing and...

Marry a finance guy and...

Do charity stuff.

Damn you, Donaghy.

What a loser.

You had me mail that birthday card.

That didn't need to happen.

That was just mean.

What's going on here?

And where did you get that sweater?

Is that from chico's
harvest naturals collection?

Octavia Spencer got arrested
for soliciting sex

from an undercover police dog.

I had to shut down
my whole movie because of her.

She turned out to be a Tracy Jordan.

So, to deal with her,
I tried to be a Liz Lemon.

Yeah, well, being Liz Lemon

isn't just about wearing
a sweater and...

Hey, those are my glasses.

And you popped the lenses out?

No, they shattered in a urinal.

L.L., I don't know
how you do it.

I couldn't hack it
with octavia for one day.

And you've been getting amazing,
thought-provoking work out of me

for seven years.

Thanks, Tray.

I mean, it hasn't been easy.

When you first came into my life,

you were out of control,
and you had horrible habits.

Like my booger-eating?

Please, let me just have one.

I need it, baby.

Taking care of you has been exhausting.

You'd fight me
and have temper tantrums,

and I'd have to stay up
all night 'cause you were sick.

Hey, those lego men
were on a rescue mission

to save the other lego men
that I swallowed.

But as problematic as you were,

I had no choice but to make it work.

Elizibart, you are an amazing woman.

Seriously, if you can take care of me,

you can do anything.

Hey, remember that thing
we talked about the other day,

about adopting an older kid?

Well, I want to do it.

Bitch, more than one person works here.

- Who is this?
- It's Elizabeth Lemon.

Who?

- Action.
- Every dream begins with a...

- Line?
- Dreamer.

- Action.
- You have within you...

Line?

- Strength and...
- I got it. I got it.

Line?

Yo, Mizz, what's the name
of that crazy-ass place

we went last night?

Bed bath & beyond.

We went beyond.

- And action.
- Line?