30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 8 - My Whole Life Is Thunder - full transcript

# Married #

# Liz Lemon got married #

# And made up this song,
doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo #

You got married?

- To what?
- To Criss, Frank.

Uh-huh, you're now looking
at Ms. Elizabeth Lemon.

I'm keeping my name.

What the H-E-double-vibrator
is that thing on your left hand?

It's my wedding ring!
I got married yesterday!

- How could you do this to me?
- Flurb?

You just ruined my surprise wedding!



- Paul, you can come down now.
- Thanks a lot, Liz.

I guess I ate all that asparagus
for nothing.

Reverend Gimp,
we'll just have to reschedule.

Where can I get the C train?

Wow! If you don't want
this kind of thing happening,

maybe don't have a surprise wedding.

A-listers always have
surprise weddings now, Liz.

Timberbiel, Beyon-Z, Anne Hatha-nobody.

And technically, lam an A-lister now

because I was on a list
to date Tom Cruise,

but I bailed before I got
sucked in too deep, praise Xenu!

Well, I'm glad you're happy for me.

In case you didn't hear it before,
I got married yesterday.

Yeah, thank you for inviting me.



Congratulations, Liz.

It's inspiring to see
that a woman in her 30s

can still find true love.

I'm 42, Cerie.

I don't know what that is.

Just a reminder
that your awards luncheon is today.

- What?
- You won an award.

"Congratulations on being named
one of the '80 Under 80',

honoring women in entertainment
who aren't Betty White"!

Oh, my goodness, the ceremony
will be broadcast on Lifetime...

...oh, dot com, backslash garbagefile.

Okay, but still.
I won an award!

Doo-ba-doo-ba-dow!
Ba-doo-pomp-boo-pomp-boo-ba-da!

7x08 - My Whole Life Is Thunder
Original Air Date on December 6, 2012

Okay, big Liz Lemon day,
so hold on tight!

I've got a Jenna problem
I need to run by you.

Lemon, I'm sorry. I can't help you.

Why not?

Our dynamic doesn't have to change
just because I'm married.

We can still have our classic
"Girl Friday" banter!

Now, you listen here, Jack.

This story's not gonna write itself, see?

Oh, stop! You brute!
I love you! Operator!

No, the problem is
my mother's in town for Christmas.

Already? It's three weeks away.

She insists on traveling
on Pearl Harbor Day to,

and I quote, "Show the Emperor
we're not afraid."

Look, I know she gets under your skin,

but you should appreciate
this time with her.

She's 87.

That's only 14 in demon years, Lemon.

The woman's constant disapproval
of me will keep her alive forever!

A blue spruce?

What time do the mariachis arrive?

But this year, I have a plan.

I'm not going to give her
anything to disapprove of,

because as long as she's in New York,

I'm doing absolutely nothing.

I got the idea from watching
your President Obama

the last four years.

That's her. Fishing.

Notice the ring is shriller.

Jack Donaghy's office.

No, Mrs. Donaghy,
he's not doing anything.

He's with Liz.

Well, she's wearing it pulled back,
but it's not working.

Exactly, because of her ears.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Kenneth, why are you
mopping the floor so angrily?

You know exactly why, sir!

First Miss Lemon fired my girlfriend,

and now Hazel broke up with me.

Mr. Jordan, do you know
why I love television so much?

Because despite cell phones,
iPads, and computers,

it's still the most effective portal
for poltergeists?

On TV shows, nothing ever really changes.

The people you care about never leave.

And the bad guy always gets
what she deserves.

Someone's looking lovely today!

What a burn!
I could have meant someone else.

Although I didn't.
She's radiant.

Since I'm not getting married today,
I might as well stuff my face.

Listen, Jenna, I didn't mean
to steal your thunder --

My whole life is thunder!

Sure, but, you know, I just found out

that I won this women
in entertainment award --

First you get married,
now you're winning an award?

These are my things!

Next you'll tell me
Mickey Rourke catapulted you

into the Hollywood sign!

Look, I know you're angry.

But this award is kind of a big deal.

You know, in the past,
they've given it to Diane Sawyer,

and Elaine May, and did you know
that Chuck Scarborough

is anatomically a woman?

So I am a lesbian.

And I'd really love for you to be there.

Did you know it's been 15 years
since we first met?

Salutations, Jenna Maroney!

What brings a mummer to Lightsman's Row?

I just wanted to meet the woman

that's been lighting me
so awesomely on stage.

Do you have any idea
where she is, little boy?

And I wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for you.

So when I accept that award on Lifetime,

dot com, backslash garbagefile,

I want you on stage with me.

- So there'll be cameras?
- Yes.

Oh, Liz, you had me
at "Hayden Panettiere is dead"!

Of course, I'll be there.

Oh, thank you, Jenna.
That really means a lot to me.

# Secret plan #

# Revenge on my mind #

I'm going downstairs to get a coffee.
You want anything?

- Pumpkin Spice, please.
- Great.

# Secret plan #

Excuse me.
I don't mean to bother you,

but I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow,

and I just completed my year of mourning.

And I've got a hotel room
and a latex allergy,

and I was just wondering
what you were doing

for the next 12 to 14 hours.

I'm doing nothing.

Let's go!
Before my mother --

Nice try, Mother.

Yes, you sensed I was doing
something you would disapprove of.

Your powers remain strong, old one,

but there's nothing you can say
to ruin this.

I see her spot in front of my left eye.

If this turns out to be a stroke,
you're in charge of plucking my chin.

You better come home, Jackie.

I have a few things I want to say to you

before I meet the Grim Reaper,

who is black, I assume,
what, with the hoodies he wears.

That's quite all right.

I've heard your last words before.

For instance, in junior high,
when you faked a heart attack

to keep me from going camping.

I didn't trust that scout master.

He was always wearing shorts.

In fact, I think I have
your dying speech memorized.

"How could you do this to me?
You're such a huge disappointment.

If only 'Dragnet' hadn't been preempted

because of Sputnik, you never
would have been conceived!"

Please, Jackie, just come home!

I'm dizzy, Jack!

Wonderful sound effects, Mother.

Mother?

Mother?

You left crumbs on the floor so that
the mice spelled "Come see me"?

Yes, Kenneth. I've been thinking
about what you said,

about wishing life could be like TV.

That would be great.

Although I'd get rid of those ads

that pop up in the middle
of your favorite shows.

Well, why don't you discuss it
with special guest star

Florence Henderson!

- Mrs. Brady!
- Uh-uh.

I told the black guy here
none of that Brady stuff.

Now, let's get this over with.

Which booking is this?

Are you the perverts who want
to go to town on each other

while I make a pie?

Welcome, ladies, welcome.

I'm Bonny Badamath.

I'm the chairperson for today's event.

I can't shake hands because
I have carpal tunnel syndrome

from zipping up my own dress
now that Gary's gone.

Well, I'm very happy to be here.

Well, I'm just glad you found
the place, what, with my directions.

Because Gary was the navigator.

Thank you!

Oh!

This is exciting!

Look, you're in the program!

Oh, great. They must have gotten
this picture off the Internet.

Why does the other Liz Lemon
always come up first?

Who cares?
They're honoring you.

Now, you go find our table.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

- Ooh, I have to go, too!
- Wait for me! Wait!

I just went, but I guess I can go again!

What the --?
What?

Oh, my God. She's gonna do
her wedding just to ruin my thing?

Wow. My best friend.

Best friend troubles?
Talking to yourself?

I've been there.

And you know why Jenna's mad at me?

Because I got married.

You know what my best friend did
for my 50th birthday?

She gives everybody a car.

And then she was all,

"Thank you for coming
to Gayle's birthday!"

Crazy thing is, I always end up
apologizing to her.

'Cause her feelings are so much
more important than mine!

Oh, I hear you.

When I got bangs, my best friend
didn't even acknowledge them.

So I was gonna grow them out.

Then, after reading an article
in my best friend's magazine,

I realized my feelings are valid.

So I had to say to her,
"My bangs, they're not about you.

It's about me trying
to cover my forehead."

Exactly! Thank you!

We're talking about Oprah, right?

No, of course not.

She can hear us!

Well, this is certainly high drama.

These are the clothes
that I wanna be buried in.

And make sure I'm holding this.

Glue the pin
to the inside of the coffin lid.

- For grave robbers.
- For grave robbers?

I remember the first time you ever
threatened me with your death.

You should be more appreciative.
I went down to a pack a day for you!

One day, you're gonna turn around,
and I'll be dead like that!

All right, you can knock it off
now, Mother. I'm home.

What happened to your eye?

Did you really fall?

I was watching TV,

and they started interviewing
an Asian Santa Claus,

and my arm went numb!

And you called me?
Mother, call an ambulance!

My father did not kill dozens of Germans

so that his daughter could die in a van!

But he wasn't even in the war!

Go about your day, Jack.

Just leave the door open,
and let the elements take me.

You're going to the hospital,

and I don't care how
I have to get you there.

Well, I'm not going in an ambulance.

I'll take a horse-drawn carriage.

Those carriages
are rolling torture wagons

for nature's most dignified creature!

The horse is one of only three
appropriate subjects for a painting,

along with ships with sails

and men holding up swords
while staring off into the distance.

Sure, let's argue about horses now.

Bring down my things.

I'm going out of this world
exactly the way I came into it.

Wearing a hat!

There you are, K-through-12!

Are you the same guy as before,

or does that sun-bleached turd
have a twin brother?

- Same guy, Ma'am.
- Oh.

Uh-oh! Looks like we're stuck
in the elevator.

I guess we'll have to remember stuff

and learn from each other
just like on TV!

Wait, you did this on purpose?

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Apex Technical School
puts students first.

And the perfect time to enroll is now.

Wait, we're stuck?

Get us down!
I don't have my flask!

I'm freaking out!
This was a bad idea!

Is this alcohol-based?

Why are you doing this to me, Jacob?!

So our next honoree, Liz Lemon,

is the head writer
of "TGS with Tracy Jordan",

and I am told she got married just today.

Just like Gary and that bitch
who was selling us our dream house.

So let's take a look at Liz's work.

Hang on.
This is being weird.

- Blow on the disc.
- Is it on the right component?

TTY unplugging it
and Plugging it back in!

Just open the disc part and blow on it!

Looking for this?

Ah! You ruined my wedding!
It's payback time!

Jenna, what I did was an accident.

But you're trying to sabotage me
just because I'm getting an award?

You know you don't deserve it!

Without me, you'll still behind
that light board in Chicago

turning bags of Sour Patch Kids
inside out to lick them clean!

I got my money's worth!

And without me, you'd still be doing
local commercials

for store-brand douches.

Well, joke's on you
because that wasn't a commercial.

I don't know what it was!

I swear to God, you are the most
selfish human being on the planet.

Thank you. Visit my website
for extras and ringtones.

That's only because I've let you be.

It stops tonight.

Oh, you can't keep me
from getting on that stage.

Are you sure?

'Cause guess what
this "lighting board nerd" did?

So what can I do
for a fellow light smith?

I want you to come up 20%
on 16, 32, and 70.

- No, but that would -- - Just do it!

Well, this stage is now lit
like a grocery store milk aisle!

I can't get up there!
I'll look --

Horrible. Yeah.
Oh, no, did I ruin your wedding...

"'again?

Also, you need to tell your Aunt Mary,

when she was two, there was
an accident with a hot com.

And, well, she used to be a boy.

Stop talking, Mother. Save your
strength for yelling at doctors.

There's a couple of other things
that I want you to know, Jack.

And I don't want you
to interrupt me until I'm done.

All I want is for you to be happy.

'Happy?
'Yes!

Since when did you ever care
about happiness?

Don't talk to me like that, Jack!

I breastfed you for nine years!

Those are terrible last words!

The closest you ever get to happiness

is when you're criticizing something,
preferably something I've done.

Jack, stop talking!

I am not going to be around forever.

Oh, here it comes.

One of these days,
you're gonna turn around, Jack,

and I'm gonna be gone just like that!

When this little performance is over,

I may put you in a home just like that!

Mother?

Mother?

I can't get it to work,
and there's still 78 women to go,

so whatever!

Liz Lemon!

No, you not ruin my thing,
I ruin your thing!

You are not the center
of the universe, Jenna!

I am too! I'm the moon!

Ladies, please,
today we're celebrating women --

Can it, Bonnie!

I can't believe you're doing this
to me and Paul.

He's been in that steamer trunk
for hours!

It's all right! The lack of oxygen
is making me orgasm!

Aaah!

Why can't you ever be happy for me? Ever?

I got married, and you don't care!

Why should she? We shouldn't be
defining ourselves by our men.

Oh, so in order to be independent,
we have to be asexual?

You would know, Judy!

God, I miss Gary so much!

I put his sweater on a body pillow...

I took it for a canoe ride!

Light smith, help me!
Fire up the Lekos! And the Klieg!

Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

Jack, I got your text,

but I think there were
some autocorrect problems.

Colleen had a "fart attack"?

She died, Liz.

Oh, my God.

She had a heart attack
and died on the way here.

Oh, Jack, I am so sorry.

Before she died, Colleen told me
she just wants me to be happy.

Really? 'Cause that doesn't
sound like her,

but I guess people do say
strange things at the end.

My grandmother said,

"Liz, stop playing with the flesh
around my elbow."

"I just want you to be happy."
You know who you say that to?

A loser. Someone who can't hope
for anything more in life

than just "being happy".

You say it to someone
who has disappointed you.

Jack!

No. It's perfect.
She's a genius.

One last twist of the knife.

Well, thank you for coming, Lemon,
but I better get going.

The funeral is tomorrow.

Colleen wanted to be buried before
the rest of the family found out

and sold her body to a haunted house.

And, of course, I get to eulogize
Colleen at the service.

One more chance to disappoint her

as she looks up at me
from her throne in Hell.

Jenna.

Jenna. I mean, Liz.

Look, life's too short
to be fighting with your best friend.

I know.
Can I be real with you, Liz?

All these years, I've always
been able to look at you

and feel better about myself.

- Sure.
- Don't interrupt.

The pill that lets me feel emotion
is gonna wear off soon.

Watching you struggle at work,

dating losers,
wearing boys' husky jeans --

They have reinforced crotches.

Now you're winning awards,

you're not aging the way I wanted you to,

and you're married to a guy
that I think about during sex.

Aw.

Everything feels a little upside down,

but I am happy for you.

And I'm sorry you weren't at my wedding.

But it made me realize this whole
surprise wedding thing is stupid.

When I get married, I want
everyone I care about to be there.

Wow, Jenna. I feel like you and I
haven't talked like this in --

Pill wearing off.
You have mom arms.

Kenneth, it's Hazel!
She's back!

I recast her!
She tested through the roof!

- At the STD clinic.
- Mr. Jordan, stop.

I don't want my life
to be like TV anymore

because no one
learns anything in elevators,

and we almost killed Florence Henderson.

Yes. Almost.

I don't want my life to be like TV
because my life is way better.

Where else but real life
would a millionaire movie star

care so much about a hillbilly janitor

that he would spend two days
trying to cheer him up?

You can't do that on television

because if you did, no one would watch.

Thank you, Mr. Jordan.

Thank you for my wonderful life.

I sure picked the right week
to come back.

You weren't supposed
to have any lines, Quon Lee.

Now I have to pay you!

Friends, last night when I sat down

to write a speech worthy
of my mother's 87 years,

I thought I was facing an impossible task

until I realized that her constant,
crushing disapproval was a gift.

The greatest gift
a mother ever gave a son.

My lifelong quest to please that woman

is what made me the man I am today.

The man who has been
the centerfold of Fortune magazine

no fewer than three times.

The man who in 1984
wore a tuxedo so well,

he broke up the Go-Go's.

The man who last night wrote
and today will deliver

the greatest eulogy of all time.

Dublin. 1852.

A ship bobs in the lee tide
of the icy Irish Sea.

Her name? Ariel.

Today we are all Irish!

And the plumber says,

"I don't-a know,
but that's a pretty big-a pizza!"

Life is for the living!

But there's a truth
in the center of that.

Thank you, Kermit,
for explaining the afterlife to us.

Oh, listen, Jack, thank you for being
the man we all aspire to be.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sir Paul McCartney
and the Harlem Boys Choir.

Yaaay!

And though the falling snow
would erase her footprints,

it could never erase our memory of her.

I love you, Mother.

End of eulogy.

Oh, wonderful! Jack!
Wonderful!

Jenna, no! Don't do this!

Jenna, yes! Do this!

All the people I care about are here!

It's perfect!

We're so glad that you could come, Liz.

I hope traffic wasn't too bad
getting here.

Surprise! I'm getting married!

Mother would have hated this.

Yaaay!

I promise not to make fun of you
when you ask where your glasses are

and they're on your head.

I do do that!

And I promise to always pour
antibiotics all over your penis

before you staple it to anything.

Ohh.

Now Paul will read the vows
he has written for Jenna.

Jenna, I didn't know
what I was missing in my life

until I met you.

I love you more than words can say,

and I am so honored to be taking
your first and last name.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting Mrs. and Mr. Jenna Maroneys!