30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 12 - Hogcock! - full transcript

Lemon Chros family,
let's not be late.

Janet, shoes and socks.
Okay, let go of the comic book.

I'm trying to get
your jacket on.

Criss, shoes and socks!

[Sighs]
Let's go, let's go.

No, don't forget these
just 'cause you hate 'em.

Mwah!

Mwah!
All right.

Bye. Mwah.

Have a good day.
Have fun at home!

[Sighs]



[Clock ticking]

"Any recommendations
for the best place

"to buy a girl's bike
on the upper West Side?

She's eight."
[Computer beeps]

"I'm sorry...
What's a girl's bike?

"Is that like a girl doctor?

Go back to Saudi Arabia,
Hitler!"

"You're buying a bike
but not a helmet?

"The heais where
the child's brain is.

Why don't you get educated,
double Hitler?"

I was gonna buy a helmet.

"Helmets inhibit
brain development.

"You might as well give
your darling child vaccines,

which studies show
cause homosexuality."



"So what?
My two-year-old is super gay,

"and we love him
more than a straight child

because he doesn't rape!"

Gentlemen, yesterday I moved
Kabletown's customer service

to a part of India
that has no phones.

We're now providing
the same level of service

to our subscribers
at zero the cost.

The is a six sigma wheel
of domination.

It's a motivational tool
I used back at G.E.,

and it will be replacing

Kabletown's
kitten in spaghetti.

Once this circle
is completely filled in,

we will be
a perfect company.

And then we'll be able to get
even better trophy wives...

- Halfasian ones!
- Ooh.

[Telephones ringing]
Jack Donaghy's office.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

You can't go in there.

I never told you this,
but I once came up

late at night looking for Jack,
and you were in a wedding dress

dancing with one of his suits.

Mr. Donaghy
will see you now.

[Indistinct chatter
and laughter]

Stayat-home Lemon.
To what do I owe the pleasure?

Did you already run
out of things to do today?

Pfft! What?
No. You are.

It's understandable.
For the past seven years,

you put out dozens of fires
every day,

not including the real ones
Tracy would set.

To keep away
Frankensteins,

which, as far as we know,
worked.

My point is,
you need the outlet.

Without work...
[Imitates explosion]

I have plenty
of new outlets.

I ran this morning
for 30 minutes.

- Does that include dry heaving?
- And wet.

And sure, okay, I thought
I'd have a job right now,

but I don't need to work.

What about money?
You knowTGS

is only syndicated
in Greece.

[Man speaking greek]

[Sustained tone]

We'll be fine.

Criss has gone back to work.

He has a degree in
ethno-musicology from Wesleyan,

so he's a receptionist
in a dental office.

And I didn't come here
looking for something to do.

I just thought
I would check in on you,

because you're
the emotionally fragile one.

Hogcock!

Which is a combination
of "hogwash" and "poppycock."

I'm just saying,
if my mother told me

that everything I had been
raised to believe was a lie

and then died,
I'd be like, "say what?"

Lemon, all Colleen said

is that she wanted me
to be happy,

and, obviously, I am.

Take a look
at my new view.

From up here, I can see
the whole island.

A city built on the religion
of capitalism,

and I am its high priest,

looking down
on the swinish multitude.

And even those who hate me,
the unwashed socialist horde,

the occupy wall streeters
and the beard-havers

and the bicycle riders,

even they
must acknowledge me...

As a God.

And this makes you happy?

It should.

You know,
I'm reminded of something

Yoda once said.

[Imitating Yoda]
Mmm! Ohh!

Dark times are these.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

30 ROCK
Last episodes - Hogcock! & Last Lunch

[Car horns honking]

Nakamura-San, we at NBC

would love to adapt
your game show

for American audiences.

But we thought maybe
contestants could win money

instead of penis punches.

Yo, Ken, I need you
to do something for me!

Ken!

Tray, Ken can't do stuff
for you anymore.

He's president
of the network now.

So? He promised me
he'd always be there for me,

no matter what!

Sometimes things change.

And yet you still say
stupid stuff to me all the time

and suck at carrying boxes!

Hey, Kenneth!

Just thought I'd come up
and say hi

to the new president
of NBC.

Well, can I get you
anything...

Chickpeas, moonshine,
turtle meat?

I'm good.

You know, I was with NBC
for seven years.

And even though right now I'm
concentrating on being a mom...

You've always had
the body for it.

At some point
down the road,

I do plan on getting
back to work.

Well, I hope it's with NBC,

because we have
hiring quotas.

Okay, well,
I actually think

there might be a show
in my life...

You know, a woman writer
living in New York.

Oh, sorry.
Woman, writer, New York...

Those are all on my list
of TV no-no words.

See, I think audiences
just want to laugh

and forget about their problems
when they watch TV.

They don't want to watch
some angry New York crankypants

make that face...
Exactly.

I want to make shows that people
actually want to watch...

Shows where a guy gets
a drink thrown in his face,

and then he turns to his dog
and says,

"don't even say it."

[Laughing]
To his dog!

Okay, well, I think
TV can be successful

without sacrificing quality.

Mm.
[Clicking tongue]

Ah, there it is.

Okay, well, if that's
what you want,

maybe I shouldn't bring
my ideas to NBC.

I'll go to cable,
where you can swear

and really take time
to let moments land.

You willer bevieve
what just happened to me.

I was throwing a tantrum
in the makeup room.

Where is my color?

I will have
you queens fired!

I will tell the other gays
your real ages!

I'll be...
[Indistinct conversation]

Ignored by my friends?

No one paid
any attention to...

Stop ignoring me!

This is
an actor announcement.

The show's over,

so you're not technically
an actor anymore.

How dare you,
you rotting pear?

I will stop being an actress
when the Earth stops spinng

on Kabbalah monster's
fingernail.

The only thing that's stopping
is this show.

It's beneath me,
and from now on,

Jenna Maroney only plays
dramatic roles.

Good-bye forever,
you factory reject dildos.

Mr. Donaghy!

Inga, you have to warn me
when we have an important guest.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to spank you again.

[Giggles]

Stupid Jonathan.

Kenneth, I need your advice.

Sir, I know
this is my office,

but it would make me
more comfortable

if we switched places.

Kenneth, I've been thinking
about something a lot lately,

something that's never
bothered me until now.

Me too!

Where are all
the baby pigeons?

Happiness.

I've started to wonder
if I'm happy.

Well, sir,
if you have to ask,

then you're not.

It's like when a pig says,

"if I can communicate
with you telepathically,

do I have a soul?"

And then you're like,
"no. Duh.

Into the slaughtering chute."

If you're right,
I have a problem.

And every problem
can be solved.

As I was taught
at six sigma...

Analyze, strategize,
succeed.

"A.S.S."

I'm going to crush
this problem...

With my ass.

Tracy Jordan can see Kenneth Parcell?

Mr. Parcell's in a meeting.

I see.
Very well.

Tell him Tracy came by
from his promise.

That's Tracy...
"T" as in the drink,

"R" as in the pirate noise,

"A" as in the Fonzie noise,

"C" as in sea monster,

"Y" as in why do we even
make friends

if they're gonna let you down
when we need them the most?

Last name "Jordan."

"J" as in the birds
I'm afraid of...

[Sighs]

"I'm a stay-at-home mom
who, until recently,

"had a high-pressure job.

Any advice on dealing
with that transition?"

"I put all my old work energy
into parenting.

My kids hate me, which gives me
more parenting to do."

"Oh, my God,
I am so sick of listening

"to you stay-at-home moms
whine.

Try being a working parent."

"I did, but I got fired...
For stupidity."

"I'd switch places
with any of you.

And I have
amazing cheekbones."

"Original poster:
For your information,

some people like work."

"Really? You like
having 40 emails from Jerry,

"all with a red
exclamation point?

Oh, they're
all urgent, Jerry?"

"'Cause some people think
that work can be

"fulfilling and validating.

"For example,
the rapper T.I.,

"who wrote, 'better get on
yo job, tell 'em.

Haters get on yo job,
nougats.'"

at least, I think he was
saying "nougats."

"Well, I don't know
what to say.

I guess some people
are idiots."

"Bitch, you are on
my last nerve."

"Then why don't you do
something about it?"

Gladly, friend-o...

Riverside Park,
hippo playground,

ten minutes.
"Perfect.

I take my darling children there
all the time."

"I'll be the one wearing
a purple sweater

and wrapping a baby swing
around some skank's neck."

Time for an ass attack.

Kabletown shares
closing at a new high today.

CEO Jack Donaghy, who rang
the opening Bell last week,

has emphasized
the growth potential in...

Aah!

Agh! Ah!

Now I am the sensei!

The parking space
closest to the door is mine.

Aah!

What do we have here?

Joining us this hour
is my new co-host, the colonel.

Looks like another cold one
today in the midwest.

Yeah, so bundle up,
everyone.

And if you can,
get hit by a car.

You get to spend
a couple days in the hospital,

and they'll give you soup.

All:
♪ this little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ this little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪

Nancy, I know this is
unconventional,

but I really think
a group relationship could work.

What you're proposing
is a sin, Jack,

but she is wicked hot.

Elisa,
what do you say?

It would have to be
a conjugal visit,

because I am
in a Puerto Rican jail.

Jenna, thank you so much
for doing this.

What a thrill.

Oh, I am just so glad

to finally return
to my two loves...

Dramatic acting
and sex crimes.

Yeah.

Well, uh, this first scene
is super simple.

Munch and fin
find your body.

Wait. What?
I die?

Didn't you get the rewrite?

But if I'm dead, how can
I become a recurring character?

And if I'm not
a recurring character,

how will I get away
with horrible stuff, like this?

Let's do this.

That's what I was
about to say.

Let's do it!

Slate it!

And... action!

[Ominous music]

Word is,
cleaning lady found her...

[Jenna groaning]
Early this morning.

[Weakly]
Oh, still alive.

Who else had access?

Ow! My foot hurts,
but I'm okay.

I think this injury
has given me

crime-solving Powers.

It's
Law & Order: Mind beauty.

I'm done.
Who is this chick?

All television
is beneath me.

I will only do cinema.

No one cares, Jenna.

I am going
to the city of angels,

a veterinary hospital
where I get dog sedatives

that help me relax
when I fly.

Then I'm flying
to Los Angeles!

Good-bye forever,

you soup line
at a gay homeless shelter.

Crisstopher Rick Chros.
Are you kidding me?

Liz, you don't want
to be here right now,

'cause I got to go smack
that woman in the face.

Criss...

You're here to fight me.

I'm the original poster.

Oh, my God! Since when
do you listen to T.I.?

That message board
is for moms.

I thought you were a lady.

You said you had
amazing cheekbones.

Mm.

Chros,
what are you doing here?

I don't know.
I just hate being at work.

Sitting at a desk
makes me crazy,

so I keep getting up
and getting coffee.

Now I'm all jittery
and weird and... bird!

So you hate work?

And this mom came in
with her kids to see Dr. Emily,

and I was jealous of her.

Her kids were so bored,
I just wanted to jump

over that divider and play
waiting games with them,

like carpet adventure.

Or that one
where your hands are spiders.

Hand spiders.

Yeah, so...

I hate work,
and evidently you miss it.

I know.
I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, my God,
if you were a dude,

you would not
even be thinking that.

It's okay to want to work.

One of us has to.
We just got it backwards.

You're... the dad.

I do like ignoring
your questions

- while I try to watch TV.
- Exactly!

I should be the one
staying at home.

You should be in an office.

That's how our family's
supposed to work.

Except I don't have
an office to go back to.

Well, so pitch something
to Kenneth,

like, I don't know,
a show about a dentist's office

where the sassy hygienist
says things like,

"I'm turning 30...
Again."

[Laughs]

I will miss Tyrell.

You know, that's exactly
the kind of garbage

that Kenneth is looking for.

And for the sake of my family,
I'm gonna give it to him.

[Loud ticking]

Damn it! Why did I get
such a loud pacemaker?

Tray, Kenneth
is not coming.

You think I don't know that?

When I went up
to Ken's office earlier,

I saw his schedule on his
assistant's pornography box!

- You mean computer?
- Whatever.

He doesn't have meetings.
He's avoiding me.

What am I...
My son's piano recital?

Put yourself
in Kenneth's shoes.

I can't!
He's not here!

Stop torturing me!

He's running the network.

He doesn't need you
asking him for stuff.

Whatever it is you need,
we can do it.

Unless you need us to hate
the new Taylor Swift album.

That girl has feelings.
You're wrong, dotcom!

What I need
only Kenneth can do...

Only Kenneth!

We were doing just fine
before Kenneth ever got here...

Just fine!

[Knocks]

You wanted to see me, sir?

Kenneth, since we last spoke,
I've been in a spiral...

An upward spiral.

Oh, that's not a thing.

Neither is talking
two catholic beauties

into a delicious vanilla-caramel
sex swirl, but I did it.

And I got rid
of their accents.

[British accent]
Oh, Jack, porking

in that prison basement
was wicked awesome.

[American accent]
Oh, thank you, you two,

for blowing my brains.

So who's happy now,
Parcell?

Well, if you have
to ask the question...

And answer it.
I am...

You string cheese
with a tooth stuck in it.

Look at the wheel.
Well, then smile, Mr. Donaghy.

- I am.
- Jack?

You are gonna love this,
you magnificent bastard.

Someone leaked
your new salary.

Occupy Wall Street is having
a conniption.

- Really?
- They burned you in effigy!

The hair went up
like a Roman candle.

And the democrats...
They don't even know

what to do with themselves.

Just look at this jackass.

Jack Donaghy
is an economic war criminal.

If the Democratic party
controlled congress,

I would see to it
that he was punished

in the worst way possible...

By having to come down here
and listen to us.

God, I feel like I have
a "macropenis" right now.

Liz Lemon, how funny!

I was planning to call you,
and now here you are.

Now, about our conversation
earlier...

Yes, about that.

You know, I've been thinking,
and you were right.

America doesn't want
to see me.

America wants to see...
John Hardly.

He loves his family,
but he hates the rat race.

He's "hardly working."

I'm so sorry.
Pass.

But I do have something
you'd be perfect for.

One last chance for TGS
to make America Say,

"what? Why?"
What are you talking abo?

Well, it turns out
Mr. Jordan's TGS contract

contains some rather
unusual clauses,

and I don't mean
those two Santas

I saw kissing on the subway.

"If fewer than 150 episodes
of TGS are produced in total,

Mr. Jordan shall be paid
a penalty of $30 million."

So?

Ms. Lemon,

TGS has done 149 shows.

So we're gonna need you
to go ahead and do one more.

I need a job, Kenneth,
not one more episode ofTGS.

You are contractually required
to write and produce

all episodes of TGS, so...

See you tomorrow?

Wow. You've really changed,
Kenneth.

I don't think so.
You look nice today.

Shut your chin slit.

[Chuckles]
Yes, ma'am.

Welcome to Los Angeles
International Airport.

Follow yellow signs
to baggage claim

and ground transportation.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you need a wheelchair
to baggage claim?

Shut it down.

I will return
to my first love... Broadway!

You Eastern European knockoff
Mr. Potato heads.

Why haven't you
come to see me?

Why didn't you return
any of my calls?

I tried, sir,
but no one answered.

I'm Tracy Jordan.
I don't answer phones.

Kenneth, you once
made a promise...

That you would always be
there for me.

I know. I'm sorry.

I would never break
a promise.

Good, 'cause I need you
to do something for me.

Of course.
Just name it.

Kenneth, I need you
to take back your promise.

Sir?

I know what it is
to blow up overnight.

And I'm not talking
about my gout.

When I got big,
a lot of people from my past

wanted stuff from me,
and, well,

I don't want to be
that person for you.

So, like the snakes I kept
in my dressing room,

I release you.

Mr. Jordan...

Thank you, sir.

I think I'm gonna
need a tissue.

[Sniffles]

Am I supposed
to drop this on the floor?

And while
we're naming things,

my car ran out of gas
on the Long Island expressway.

Yes, sir.

[Sniffles]

[Car horns honking]

Okay, Jack,
I need a job.

I'm looking for six figures,
eight if you're counting cents,

which I fell for once before...
Not cool, the gap.

I'd love to help you, Lemon,
but I don't think I can.

I resigned as CEO of Kabletown
an hour ago.

What? Why?

Because I felt nothing.

I got the job.
I pissed off my enemies...

Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin.

It should have been
the greatest moment of my life.

No, no, no. No, no.
Eyes off the window.

Focus on Lemon.
What am I gonna do now?

I could try and help you
make some calls

and see what bridges
I haven't burned.

But I'm not going to,

for your own good.

Work is never going
to make you happy, Lemon,

and anyone who tells you
differently is a fool.

Are you kidding me?

What have we been talking about
for the last seven years?

I don't know anymore.

For the first time in my life,
I don't know what I need.

Maybe I'll buy a boat.

Oh, my God.

This whole time you've been
telling me how to run my life,

you didn't know
what you were talking about.

You're just an alcoholic
with a great voice.

Careful, Lemon.
You're playing with fire.

You made me buy
into this whole life.

When I met you, I was perfectly
happy with what I had...

Eating night cheese
and transitioning my pajamas

into daywear.

You're the one who told me
to want more.

And now, when I need you most,
you're bailing on me?

You're an adult, Lemon.
You didn't have to listen to me.

Really?
When was that an option?

Look, if you want someone
to blame, blame yourself.

You're the one who wormed
your way into my brain

with your endless handwringing
and feelings.

I used to be a shark,
and then you "unsharkulated" me.

I called you up here
for one meeting seven years ago,

and you kept coming up.

[Sighs]

So we ruined each other?

Good to know.

You know, it's for the best
that my show is over

and you've quit

and we're all going
our separate ways.

I guess you and I were just
a boss and his employee.

And now we're not anymore.

Yes, that pretty much
sums it up.

There!

You're no longer
special to him.

Get out!
Get out of our lives!

Yes!
[Laughing wildly]

[Continues laughing]

Could you help on that Pete?

This last episode is
gonna be a hot mess.

- How so?
- If TGS doesn't do

one more show,
Tracy gets $30 million.

Oh, NBC... the same company
that suggested

we get flush buddies
to save water.

Liz, Tracy has landed.

Of course he has,
because if he didn't...

He'd be in breach of contract
and wouldn't get the money.

Which means he's gonna try
to find another way

to ruin the show.

Seven years,
and Tracy never changed.

Well, people are
who they are, Liz.

[Cell phone vibrating]

[Southern accent]
This is Dan Silversmith

with Carolina Mutual.

I can't talk right now.
I'm with a customer.

[Cell phone beeps]

Well, whatever
sideways nonsense

Tracy tries to pull,
I'm gonna hold him down.

I'm gonna hold him down
like that machine

Kathy Geiss invented
that hugs old people.

My God, this will change
elder care forever.

Hmm.

[Gasps]
Whoops. Nope.

Hello, Tracy.

So one last show...

Pretty crazy, huh?

Indeed, Elizabeth.

I hope nothing goes wrong.

Why would it?

I mean, you're here,
fulfilling your contract.

Sure am, L.L.

The only thing that can stop
this show is an act of God

or if some genius
figured out a way to stall

[speaking slowly]
Just long enough...

No! Nice try.
Get that out of here.

It's the final showdown, tray.

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

The night is young.
And neither are you.

[Exhales sharply]

[Exhales sharply]

Okay, thank you,
everybody,

for coming in
on such short notice.

I know some of you have
already gotten other jobs.

Not me.

Anyway, we have been
given a second chance

to end this right,
on our terms.

So...

What are we gonna order
for our last free lunch?

- Momofuku!
- Guy Fieri's restaurant,

- ironically.
- Nothing, thank you.

Cerie, whose turn is it
to choose lunch today?

Who is the picker?

You picked last time, Liz,

so alphabetically
after Lemon comes...

Oh, no.

[Ominous music]

[Gasps]

Blimpie's.
[All groan]

- No!
- Come on, Lutz!

Let's solve this, Frank!

Hello, Lemon.

What are you doing here?
I thought you quit.

In the cushions
of my couch,

I found this
customer-loyalty card

to a place called blazer bar,
and I assume it's yours.

Thank you.
It's Manhattan's largest

out-of-business
women's blazer dump.

Look, I didn't like the way
we ended things yesterday.

Yeah, I've got a lot
of work to do.

I'm sorry we argued,
but I'm not myself lately.

I-I quit the job I worked
my entire life to get,

and now I feel adrift.

No!
We're not doing this.

Today is the last TGS ever.

The point is, I'm going away,
probably for a long time.

I assume that's code

for a billionaire's
soul-searching trip

to tan penis island. Ha.

We're at the end here, Lemon.
We shouldn't hold grudges.

[Keys clacking]

For your information,

most of Tan Penis Island
was destroyed

in Sting's house fire.

[Door closes]

Are urged to take
this storm severely seriously.

Hey, where
are you guys going?

Sorry, Liz, we got to get out
of here before the roads close.

There's a "snowicane" coming.

All of New York state,
especially midtown Manhattan

between Saks Fifth Avenue
and the Variety Deli.

Aw, no.
That's right where we are.

According
to the national weather service,

you should, and I quote,

"leave work,
get in your purple Bentley,

"and be home with your sharks

"before the tristate area
gets slammed

"by wh is ating called

'snowicane' white lady name
like dorva or something."

Everybody back to work.

Aw, jeez.

What did you do to Al Roker
to make him do that?

Let's just say his wife
is on the board

of a children's hospital,

and they need a celebrity
to host their annual gala,

and I threatened to do it.

Do you understand
how selfish you're being?

Our crew has been together
for seven years,

and tonight is everyone's chance
to say good-bye!

So get up on that stage
and cut the B.S.!

But I promised
Barbra Streisand

I'd never stab her again!

[Door slams]

[Knocks]
Jenna...

You've been friends
with Lemon for a long time.

She and I had
an argument yesterday.

Really?
Did Liz scream in your face?

Did you pin her up
against the wall?

Were your shirts
wet with rain?

I mean, obviously we've had
disagreements before,

but this...
Feels different.

After tonight,
I feel like Lemon and I

could go our separate ways
and never see each other again.

Is that crazy?
Not really.

You know Liz.
She can hold a grudge.

She did want me
to cancel Top Chef

because Colicchio's lunch place
changed the toppings

on her favorite salad.

And with people,
forget about it.

She's never stayed friends
with an ex.

When Conan dumped her,
she dropped him forever.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, Liz.

[Elevator bell dings]

Come on, you can't pretend
I don't exist.

We dated for a year!

We were gonna lose our virginity
to each other!

Now I'll never lose it!

And her friends...

She'll cut people off
for doing nothing.

I'm afraid to even tell her

that I frenched her dad
on new year's.

[Crying]
I don't know what to do.

I've lost so much already.

The past few months
have been really hard.

And now Lemon!

Did the doctor that prescribes
your antidepressants

go to jail too?

You see, I don't have
that many people in my life.

I spent Christmas alone
in the Hamptons,

drinking scotch
and throwing firecrackers

at Billy Joel's dog!

[Sobbing]

I'm just
in a really bad place,

and I don't know
how more I can take!

Aah!
[Sobbing]

Daddy, please stop crying.

[Sobbing loudly]

Okay, how about this?

Yesterday
a bunch of us came in

to clean out our desks,
more than half of us.

Yes, a quorum.

And you weren't here, Lutz.

And lunch rule precedent

stipulates that disputes
will be resolved

by picking a new name.

Toofer, the can!

Gladly.

What the hell?
It's stuck to me.

Oh, God, and it's Lutz!

[All groan]
Why's it so sticky?

I wrote it on flypaper.

I'm five steps ahead of you,
you sons of bitches!

Blimpie's.

Liz, have you seen
Jack today?

- No.
- He just came

into my dressing room
and started crying.

He's in a really
bad place,

like when Mickey Rourke...

Okay, I can't do this
anymore.

I've never met
Mickey Rourke.

What do you
want me to do, Jenna...

Shut down the show
to make Jack feel better

about bailing on me?

I'm just really worried,

and if you won't do anything,
I will.

On behalf of the network,
Ms. Maroney,

I think you should sing
at the end of the show tonight.

Wonderful!
I'll need ten pianos.

Good luck with, uh, Jake.

Does everybody have
to be crazy today?

Beloved coworkers!

Oh, life...
It goes by so fast.

We barely look at each other.

I didn't realize
all this was going on.

Good-bye.
Good-bye, world.

Good-bye, long-hair guy.
Good-bye, Richard Esposito.

Go home to your wife
and eight beautiful children.

You're all so beautiful.

What the wha...?

[Sighs]

Um, guys, I know
I don't normally say much, but...

What, woman?
Speak!

Well, officially, the show
was canceled two weeks ago.

So isn't this technically
season eight?

Which means we start over
at the beginning

of the alphabet.

- So the new picker is...
- Me!

What? No!

Lutz isn't first!

You changed your name
to "Aardvark"?

That's insane!

Shh.

- [Whimpering]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[Whispering]
Puppies.

Ugh.

[Sighs happily]
[Knock at door]

So have you picked out
a song for tonight, Ms. Maroney?

A perfect song.

As I'm sure you know,

I have returned
to my first love,

Broadway,
in a musical adaptation

of the film of the novel
the Rural Juror.

- I'm sorry... the what?
- At the end of act two,

my character,
Constance Justice,

sings the title song.

It's a tearful good-bye
to her true love,

Norman Blurder,
the rural juror.

It sounds emotional.

Listen to this.

♪ I will never forget you

♪ rural juror

What?
What is that face?

I don't know, Ms. Maroney.

It just seems like
you're faking it.

Well, of course I am.

I'm an actor.

And acting
is all cheap tricks

that any child
or monkey could do.

To act drunk, you just wear
two different-sized heels.

And to cry, you just clutch
a shard of broken glass.

Ms. Maroney,
this is the end of TGS.

You need to show
real emotion.

Hmm.

Real emotion?

It's not really my thing.

Maybe if I had something
to be sad about.

Are you kidding?

After tonight,
you may not see any of us

ever again.

Stop trying
to cheer me up.

I need to feel sad.

Then I guess you'll have
to figure out something

that you'll miss
about this place.

But maybe it's not a thing
so much as a person.

Well, that's not gonna
be easy, Kenneth,

considering I'm the only person
who works here.

Why are you wearing
that weird necklace?

[Scoffs] I always wear this.
I want to be buried in it.

So, if anything
ever happens to me

and you can't
find my body

but you can find this,
don't overthink it.

Just bury the necklace
and move on.

Okay, why are you wearing
Jack's watch?

Oh, that's not part of it.
Jack just gave this to me.

He's been giving
his stuff away all day.

I want you to have
thisag o bmy hair.

Why is he acting so crazy?

He's crying one minute,
happy the next,

giving away all his stuff.

Sounds like someone's
got a case of the old kablooeys.

[Imitates gunshot]
We've all been there.

You think Jack Donaghy's
gonna kill himself?

No way. Jack has never quit
anything in his life.

- That's for you.
- Except his dream job...

Yesterday.

[Imitates gun cocking
and gunshot]

Thing is, any fool
can kill himself.

You know what a real man does?
Fakes his own death.

But you got to be smart.

Plan it slowly
over eight or nine years.

And then
when it's go time,

no big withdrawals
from your bank account.

Instead, the day before
it goes down,

you deposit $70.

Why would a guy
planning to fake his death

deposit $70?
He wouldn't!

What the hell
are you talking about?

[Cell phone vibrating, beeps]
Oops, sorry. Work.

[Southern accent]
Did y'all get my fax?

Elizabeth...

Sweet, funny Elizabeth,

your light always shown
the brightest, baby.

You're coming to the show
tonight, right?

I'll be watching.

Not sure from where,
but I'll be with you...

In spirit.
[Groans]

Weird.

Come on, Tray,
leave the dancers alone.

What's going on?

Why aren't you smiling bravely

while Tracy tells you your butt
looks like two slippery hams?

[Gasps]

Where's Tracy?

We have no idea, Liz.

I've been
so distracted lately.

Grizz just found out
his uncle left him

a bed-and-breakfast
outside Santa Fe.

I'm gonna be
a real fish out of water.

What are you talking about?

What... what is that?
Does everyone see that?

Okay, whatever.

I know you know
where Tracy is.

Did he promise you
some of the $30 million?

Both:
Yes, he promised me...

- $1 million.
- $20,000.

Wait. What?

Okay, that's it.

Tray is exactly where
you think he is, Liz.

It's the closest thing he has
to hiding out in a church.

[Gasps]

It's 5:00.
Where the frak is our lunch?

We can't break him, Liz.
He's not human.

Why are you doing this
to us?

I'll tell you why!

Because for seven years,
you have yelled at me

and turned the lights out on me
when I was in the bathroom

and written on me
while I was sleeping,

'cause I was Lutz...

Dumb, old, uncool,
part-inuit, bisexual,

51-year-old Lutz!

Well, today
I am the picker!

And I want you to feel
what I felt

for the last seven years...

Anger and disappointment
and regret!

And when that sandwich slides
out of you in a week,

look at it,

because that
is Lutz's revenge!

Cerie, for lunch today,
I would like to pick Blimpie's.

Oh!
Argh!

No!

[Clang]

Cerie, Sushi from Nobu 57,

dessert from make my cake
in Harlem.

I'll be back.
I hope.

[All cheering]

[Sobbing]

♪ We are young

Yeah, you're not
that young either.

Get down, please.

Give it up for Liz Lemon,
everybody!

The least molested person
in here.

[Applause]
♪

I don't even get
your play here, Tray.

You're in breach now.

You stay here,
you don't get the money.

If you think
it's about the money,

you're even dumber
than I look.

So you're just doing this
for no reason at all...

For the fun of ruining
everyone's chance

to say good-bye?

I'm doing this because
I don't want to say good-bye

to everyone.

Anybody who's ever
left me in my life just left...

My dad going to get
a pack of smokes

and never coming back,

all those Foster parents
talking about adopting me

and never did.

I don't want tonight's show
to happen because...

I don't know how
to say good-bye, Liz Lemon.

Now onstage,

feast your eyes
on the skank train!

Oh, boy.
Okay.

Look, tray,
it's not good-bye forever.

I've enjoyed
working with you,

and I'm sure we'll get
to do it again sometime,

and we're all gonna
stay friends.

Sorry. Is that
the white lady's way

of saying, "I'm going out
to get cigarettes"?

'Cause that good-bye
was atrocious.

Fine. Well, I guess
there's a reason

people don't say
honest good-byes...

Because when stuff
is coming to an end,

people freak out
and they act crazy.

They pick fights,
and they pick blimpie's.

And I don't know
what Pete's doing.

So you lie to them.

But if you want
a hard-core truth good-bye...

Lay it on me.

[Sighs]
Okay.

We were forced to be friends
because of work.

And we're probably not gonna
hang out after this, all right?

You'll say that you're gonna
invite me to your house,

and it's never
gonna happen.

And I'll see on TV
that it's your birthday,

d I'll forget to call. And I'll see
on TV that it's your birthday,

and working with you
is hard.

[Crying]
Tracy, you frustrated me,

and you wore me out.

But because the human heart
is not properly connected

to the human brain,
I love you,

and I'm gonna miss you.

But tonight might be it.

Brutally honest...

I like that.

So you'll come do the show?

I'll come back, L.L.

But we're gonna watch
this first.

[Pumping techno music]

Ride the train, ladies.

Ride the train.

[Drill whirring]

Kenneth,
what are you doing?

Brian Williams
needs a mirror

on the floor
of his bathroom.

I guess you want that
if you have a glass toilet.

But the show's over
after tonight,

so what do you care?

But... my mirror.

[Wistful music]

♪

[Crying]
Oh, my God.

It's all over.

Am I crying?

I have no way to see
if I'm crying.

Oh, thank God!

Last lunch...

All:
No Lutz!

Last lunch, no Lutz!

Cupcake sandwich!

Cupcake sandwich.

[Sighs]
Oh, crap.

Motherhood
has made me go soft.

[Door unlocking]

Lutz, the food is here.
Come eat...

All: Cupcake sandwich!
Cupcake sandwich!

[Gasps]

Oh, God!

Cover the food!

Blimpie's!

Cerie, you heard the man...

Blimpie's.

[Laughs breathlessly]

[Car horns honking]

I was thinking
about what you said earlier...

How people get sloppy
when they fake their own deaths.

- You said that.
- The trick is

to wait
for the right moment...

A day when it makes sense
to have a drink or two.

I don't know...
Maybe a sad occasion

when something's
coming to an end.

You let people see you
with the glass in your hand.

That way, after the crash,
they'll be like,

"I did see him drinking."

Oh, God, that idiot.
What did he do?

Yeah.
That's what they'll say.

[Gasps]

Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.

Don't worry, Lemon.

There is no cause for alarm.
[Sighs with relief]

You are watching
my video suicide note.

[Gasps]
Oh, my God.

Try not to blame yourself.

How were you to know
that I was in such a dark place

that the smallest thing...

For example, a close friend's
refusal to reconcile...

Would be the final straw.

He killed himself
because of me.

This is like what happened
with my gynecologist

all over again!

I do have a parting gift
for you, Lemon.

His phone.
I can track his phone.

Go to YouTube and search

"Hamlet the mini pig
goes downstairs."

"Hamlet the mini pig"...
No! Phone first!

I'll watch the pig video
in the cab.

One minute.
One minute to air.

Guys, to be honest,
you are nerds,

and one of you
is very funny.

Good-bye forever.

Good-bye, Petey Pete.
I will forget you.

I sure hope so, Tray.

I sure hope so.

Tracy and Jenna,
please set yourselves.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sighs]
Tracy...

[Crying]
I'm really gonna miss you.

My Bologna,
in all honesty...

I'm going out
for cigarettes now.

And I'll be home
in 15 minutes.

[Sighs]

Tracy and Jenna,

please set yourselves
for "the Hitlersons."

[Sniffles]
My good side for camera.

Take your places, please.

[Cheers and applause]

[Upbeat music]

[Panting]
Jack! Wait!

There's so much
to live for!

Don't you want to know
how Mad men ends?

Oh, don goes to work
for Peggy!

[Gasping]

[Zipper closes]

- Hello, Lemon.
- What?

I thought you were
gonna kill yourself.

That was the idea.

It was extreme,
but necessary.

I didn't want to be just another
person on your grudge list.

Yeah, which reminds me- why am
I still seeing new Top Chefs

with that bald salad-ruiner?

I had ten hours
to force you to confront

the soul-crushing horror
of a life without me.

I didn't lie when I said
I was going away.

I'm off to discover
what makes me happy.

I have to find my bliss,

which, for once,
is not an acronym

for "beautiful ladies
in short shorts."

How long
will you be gone?

As long as it takes
to figure out what's next.

Although I've only
been on this boat a minute,

I've already realized
two things about myself.

One...

I could totally
be a professional boat model.

And, two, I do know one thing
that has made my happy

these last seven years.

Lemon, there is a word,
a once special word,

that's been tragically co-opted

by the romance
industrial complex.

And I would hate
to use it here

and have you think
that I am suggesting

any kind
of romantic sentiment,

let alone an invitation
to scale bone Mountain.

It's a word
that comes to us

by way
of the old high German luba,

from the Latin lubere,

meaning "to be pleasing."

So I am going to use
this word to describe

how I feel about you

in the way
that our Anglo-Saxon forefathers

would have used it
in reference to, say, uh...

A hot bowl of bear meat

or your enemy's skull...
Split.

I love you too, Jack.

Thank you, America.
That's our show.

Not a lot of people
watched it.

But the joke's on you,
'cause we got paid anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jenna Maroney.

♪

♪ the Irma luhrmer-merman
murder ♪

♪ turned the bird's
word lurid ♪

♪ the whir and the purr
of a twirler girl ♪

♪ she would the world
were demurer ♪

♪ the insurer's allure

♪ for valor were
pure khari wuhrer ♪

♪ one fervid whirl
over her turgid error ♪

♪ rural juror

♪ rural juror

♪ I will never forget you

♪ rural juror

♪ I'll always be glad

♪ I met you, rural juror

This is just
the start, Lemon.

Imagine the insights

months on this boat
will yield.

The next time you see me,

I'll be a new man.

Goodbye Jack Donaghy.

Good God, Lemon.
I just figured it all out.

I'm turning around!

- Clear dishwashers!
- What?

Clear dishwashers,
so you can see

what's going on inside it.

Oh, my God, yes!
Do that!

It's the best idea
I've ever had.

Thank God I took
that boat trip.

♪ I will never forget you

[crying]
♪ rural juror

♪ I'll always be glad
I met you ♪

♪ rural juror

[normal voice]
♪ I will never forget you

♪ rural juror

♪ I'll always be glad
I met you ♪

♪ rural juror

♪ these were

♪ the best days of my

♪ flurm

♪

[Tires screech]

- Get in the car, Pete.
- Paula!

I mean, who's Pete?

[Southern accent]
I have amnesia! I...

[Normal voice] Oh, damn it!
I practiced this!

Hi, buddies.

Wait.
You're Sam?

[Audience laughing]

Don't even say it.

[Dog barks]

I want to thank
the brilliant Kevin Grisham,

the amazing John Stamos,

the incomparable
judge Judy Scheindlin.

Hey, what are you doing?
They called my name.

See ya later, suckers!

Meep-meep! Pyung!

She'll be like, "what?"

[Indistinct chatter]

[Cell phone ringing]

[Chuckles]

Hey, Lemon Ice,
could I call you back?

My dad finally came back
from getting cigarettes.

- [Gasps]
- Lemon, it's Jack.

Don't forget
Tracy's birthday.

Good morning,
Mr. Donaghy.

I'm your new
second assistant.

Wait, you're Sam?

Mm hmm.

[Audience laughing]

[Car horns honking]

[Music box playing]

So the whole show
just takes place

here at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

- Is that right, Ms. Lemon?
- Yes, sir.

It's based on stories
my great-grandmother told me.

I know.

[Whispering]
And I love it.