30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 11 - A Goon's Deed in a Weary World - full transcript

[Gasps]
You fail Liz.

You let the show get
cancelled, and we all died.

No, I didn't. It
wasn't my fault.

When we talked about
this dream,

we said we were gonna
be cowboys.

All: Your fault. Your fault.
Your fault. Your fault.

Your fault. Your...
Aah!

Wake up.
Liz, wake up!

Aaaah!

- The twins are coming.
- What?

Yeah, I just got an email
from Bev at the adoption agency.



Guess there's another
full-figured Bev

at the office there.
Oh, my God,

flight 124 on January 29th.

That's in five days.
It's happening so fast.

We don't even know
where they're coming from.

Airbike flight 124 out of
Houston's George Bush airport.

- It's not my airport!
- Let it go, Liz.

Wait, if they're coming
from Houston,

they won't have winter clothes.

They're gonna need jackets
and hats.

How big is
an eight-year-old's head?

I'm thinking, like,
a bowling ball?

No, bowling ball's too small.
It's like a basketball.

A small basketball
that you win at the fair.



You're describing
a bowling ball.

Okay, kids coming,
show to save,

DVR at 98%, but I'm just never
in the mood to watch Treme.

Okay, first things first...
I'll watch a bunch of tremes.

I'll go to the sporting goods
store and measure balls.

I'm gonna need a cloth
tape measure.

To Ikea!

Hey, sorry I late,
but Treme gets good

if you stick with it.

So is TGS safe now?
Will you uncancel us?

Lemon, I can't start
my tenure as CEO

by reversing
my predecessor's decisions

in order to help
my weird buddy.

But while I can't help
directly,

I have, through back-channels...
Like B.E.T.?

Back channels.
I have secured you a lifeline.

The Kabletown board has agreed
to hear a presentation

from you tonight
to convince them that

TGS is worth more alive
than dead.

Perfect.
I've sold this show once

before you were even here,
and I crushed it.

It's a topical
sketch-comedy show

for a little demographic
that's, oh, I don't know,

51% of the population.

I'll take that nod as a yes.

Lemon, this is not a question
of selling your creative vision.

Thanks to Hazel's lawsuit,

TGS has cost this company
millions of dollars.

Okay, well,
we can make cuts.

You'll have to do
a lot more

than trim the budget,
Lemon.

Your show can't cost NBC
any money at all.

- That's impossible.
- Impossible?

Would any of your
female heroes say that?

Would Amelia Earhart
or dian fosse or Joan of Arc?

Boy, women who try to do things
sure get killed a lot.

You know what?
I can do this.

I've saved the show before,
and I ain't afraid of no board!

[Ghostbusters theme]
♪ na na na na na na

Lemon, expensive
musical cues

are exactly the sort of thing
you can't afford anymore.

♪ Na na net na net, dorp

[exciting jazz music]

♪

30 Rock
S07 Ep11 - A Goon's Deed in a Weary World

[Cell phone vibrating]

You've got Lemon.
Make lemonade.

Hey, when do you think
you're gonna be home?

'Cause we gotta do
some power nesting.

Upstairs, I want to paint
a mural of Houston for the kids,

but I'm terrible
at drawing swamp humidity.

I don't know, Criss, late.

I'm sorry.
I'll make it up to you.

- Sex on the couch?
- Sex on the couch?

That's a good one, Criss.
I'll call you later.

[Laughs]
Okay.

Listen up, jagweeds,
it's go time!

We are at Defcon 5 here.

The lowest level of defense
preparedness? Fantastic.

Have you dudes ever been
to deafcon,

the comic book convention
for deaf people?

Man, if you're a dude
who can hear,

you are just knee-deep in...

This is serious.
Our show is cancelled!

Now, we all need
to pull together,

wing to wing,
and oar to oar.

Fine, I'll Skip to the end.

And that little boy's name
was Marshall Mathers.

So who's with me?

LL, did you save
the show yet?

'Cause j-mo and I have
a new problem.

Last night at a party, we
urinated into the same fountain

during a lightning storm.

And I think
we switched brains.

No, I haven't
saved the show yet.

I cannot save the show without
all of us stepping up.

We get one shot at this.
Tonight.

We have to do a sample show,

so you guys need
to start writing.

We have to rally our fans,

so you two are
doing press all day.

I'm glad the band U2
is doing press all day.

Jenna, quick, run, before
Liz Lemon realizes what I did.

Ugh!
Do you think this is a joke?

If TGS goes away,
you are actors without a show.

And, hornberger, you and I
are gonna slash the budget

like we've never
slashed it before.

Are you ready?

My whole life has been
building to this moment.

Has it really?
Oh, God.

Yeah.

You wanted to see me, sir?

No.

I wanted to see...
Kenneth the page.

[Gasps]
Kenneth the page.

That's a name I haven't heard
in a long time.

Some say he's dead,

but others hear his name
on the wind.

We don't have a lot of time
here... what do you say?

I can't say no
to these colors.

I bleed blue and gray.

Especially where I stepped
on that nail.

Excellent. I've got
a V.I.P. tour group coming in,

and I want my most
experienced page to lead it.

Now, who will be
on this tour?

I like to cater my presentation
to the audience.

For example,
if they're Japanese,

I'll make sure
we accidentally walk in

on a blonde woman peeing.

Kenneth, you'll be showing
around the five final candidates

for my old job at NBC.

Now, they think
this just a formality

before the final interview,

but the tour is
the final interview.

It's an old G.E. trick.

You can only truly
judge a man

who doesn't know
he's being judged.

It's like NBC's TV version
of Willy Wonka,

starring Bob Uecker.

I do admire Wonka.
He's a true capitalist.

His factory has zero
government regulations,

slave labor, and an indoor boat.
Wonderful.

During the tour, the candidates
will drop their guard

and show their true selves
without even knowing it.

And then you choose the one
who's purest of heart.

What? No. Kenneth,
this is broadcast television.

It's a nasty,
ruthless business.

No, sir. It's a magical,
Ruth-filled business!

It's dying, and its leader
needs to be a grave robber

who'll strip every last bauble
off the corpse.

I'm getting concerned about
who we're gonna pick here.

There is no "we", Kenneth.
You're giving a tour.

I'm picking the next president
of NBC. Understood?

Yes, sir.
Of course...

[Quietly]
Not.

All the right things we have to do
to make the show cheaper,

gut the crew,
no more taped pieces,

fire Danny,
scrap all the sets,

and shoot everything
on greenscreen.

No. Greenscreen always looks
so fake.

Yeah.
But to actually break even,

we need somebody
to sponsor the show.

Ugh, what, then I'll have
some executive from Nokia

- giving me notes?
- Oh, you wish.

We couldn't get them
before the lawsuit.

and a German guy
who wants to eat somebody.

And even Gunter's
having doubts.

Okay, so I need
to find someone

to put their name on the show,
and I can't be picky.

Whatever it takes.

I get it.
You need a sugar daddy.

So dazzle me.

Why should Bro Body Douche
get in TGS's panties?

- Well, Broseph...
- Sup?

I think TGS
and Bro Body Douche

would be tight.

- Totes?
- Nah mean? No homo.

- Mos def.
- So... jeah?

Look, Betty,
I don't know if it is jeah.

TGS, it sounds like
a news Channel,

or an STD you know I've got.

We could change it.
We're open to anything.

That's what you said

look, don't get me wrong.
[Cell phone vibrating]

I like Tracy Jordan.
Dude's a baller.

I like that you've got a slut
on the show,

even if she is
a little boned out.

And I love
the sexual harassment thing.

Noice!

But if you're gonna get in bed
with the douche,

it's not just gonna be
the tip.

This is senior year.

We're go need creative approval,
brand mentions.

And the whole tone of the show
needs to be more...

Um... have you ever seen
the porn version

of Transformers?

Blorch!
Look, do we have a deal?

Almost. It'd be weird
if my show

were created by a woman.

So could your credit be
Todd Debeikis?

It's in honor of my frat bro.
Died during hell week

after passing out
in the trough.

I went to Syracuse.

Never-knew-my-dad!

[Exhales]

Oh, God.

Liz is wrong, right?

If the show goes away,
we'll be fine.

Yeah, I got some stuff
on the back burner.

Left unattended long enough,
the house burns down...

Insurance money.

I mean, lots of people
got more famous

after their TV shows have ended.
Like George Clooney.

We just need to have
our next great roles lined up.

Like how, after E. R.,
Clooney had dumb, gay Batman.

But parts like dumb,
gay Batman

come around once
in a generation.

If TGS goes away,
what are the chances

that there'll be
two perfect roles,

one for each of us?

But we don't need
two roles

if we play siamese twins!

- One is the president.
- The other's Santa Claus.

And they're both in love
with the same woman...

Both: Elvira!

Tracy, Jenna.
So I hear you're rallying fans

to save your show.

Tell me, what's going on
with TGS?

Actually, kristy,
we'd like to talk about

our amazing upcoming project.

It's a movie called
Heads of state.

Colon...
The rise of doctor Ronfulus.

The third floor is also home
to NBC news.

Fun news fact.

The Today show
was originally designed

to entertain prison inmates
whose IQs were too low

for them to be executed.

What I think is a fun fact
is that the Todayshow is

NBC's most profitable
news program.

12 hours of daily
"news funtertainment"

with very low overhead.

We pay most of our hosts
in white wine.

But I'm wondering,
is there a way

to make it even more
profitable?

More of a party
atmosphere.

Food segments where
you could order the food.

Show it again later on e!, but
have gay guys make fun of it.

I guess, for some people,

the today show is
about money.

But for me, it's about America
starting its day together.

And it's about seeing
your friends Matt

and Savannha,
and your Butler Al.

Oh, I watch theToday show.

This morning,
out on the Plaza,

Al made a classic
weather pun.

Both: Janu-where is the snow?

- Yes.
- Pure of heart.

Kenneth... a word.

Was I not clear earlier
about your role I this process?

I am sorry, sir, but this is
bigger than both of us.

It's NBC.
"We comedy."

Kenneth,
it's "we peacock comedy."

You say the peacock.

What? That's insane.

I will continue
with this tour myself, Parcell.

Your services are
no longer required.

[Angry NBC chimes]
♪ dum dum dum ♪

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hey, I'm sorry.
I forgot you called.

Liz, are you in favor
of our kids having a trampoline,

or do you hate fun?

What? No trampolines.

They're death traps

and hymen demolishers.

You know what happened
to me.

Okay, you know Tramp World,

that place we thought was
a peep show?

It's actually an awesome
trampoline store.

And Ladarius here
gave me this pamphlet.

Did you know that
every year

more people die from disease
and accidents combined

than from just
trampoline accidents?

Wow, is this why you called me
six times during my meeting?

Gee, sorry.
Just trying to include you.

I thought we'd do
all this stuff together,

buying toys and
gender-neutral toothbrushes.

I mean, tramp world is
all couples.

I'm the only single guy
here, Liz, except for Ladarius,

whose wife died
in a trampoline accident.

I'll call you back.

Stop. I hate it.

Ugh!

Okay, Liz, we're about
to start writing. I swear!

No, of course
you haven't done anything.

Why would I ever think
that you would?

- We did something, LL.
- Uh-huh.

I play
Gretchen Vanderhausen,

a sexy, 20-something president.

I play her siamese twin Nick,

a down-on-his-luck
but muscular Santa Claus.

The movie is being directed
by Michael Ba... io,

Scott Baio's uncle.

It comes out 13-13-13,

which is January 13th, 2014.

And the theme song will be,
like, rap breakdown!

♪ Twins, twins, twins, twins

I know what you're
thinking, Liz,

but it is possible to have twins
who are different races.

I saw it onMaury.
It was a episode entitled,

my obese toddler did
my stepfather's makeover.

We have two hours
to save the show!

But I guess I'll just
do it alone, again!

I'll ignore everything that's
going on in my life

and save your jobs
for you.

Just one question,
out of curiosity...

What would it take...

I just remembered,
I gotta leave early.

What would it take
for you people to ever

step up and help me?
Ever!

[Gasps]

This is Studio 6 H.

Do you know what's been shot
on this stage?

TGS, the Joey Montero show,
the Lovebirds.

And the moon landing.

[Chuckles]
Right this way.

- Hello, young man.
- Damn it!

[Deep voice]
My name is C.B. Essington.

Now, listen to me carefully

because I have
a moral quandary for you.

In Jack Donaghy's office,
there's a brand-new script

for a show
that will change television.

If you steal it for me,

I promise you riches
beyond your wildest dreams.

What? No.

Parcell!

[Giggles]
He past the test, sir!

He refused to betray
the network

by stealing the script
for that show

about the catering company!

♪ Welcome to a world
of magic ♪

Kenneth, you are very close
to being back

in a janitor's uniform.

Oh, please, no.

That fabric was made
from toilet-clog hair.

And there is nothing
in the world

that means more to me
than this uniform.

You know how much
I love this place, sir.

You do peacock peacock.

So please listen to me
when I tell you

Mr. MacGuffin here is
the man for the job.

Actually, Kenneth, I agree.

Charlie,
tell Kenneth here why

you know so much
about NBC.

Well, you have to know
how something works

if you're going
to strip it for parts.

- What?
- Broadcast television is dying.

The only move is
to shut down the network,

pull the copper
out of the walls,

and turn this building into
a forever 21.

That's what you would do
to NBC?

At some point, you gotta
turn the horse into glue, Ken.

That is a waste
of delicious dead horse.

Mr. Donaghy,
don't do this.

He may have a fancy degree,
and know lots of business terms,

like "meeting" and "envelope."

But if all he cares about
is the bottom line,

he's not right
for the job.

Kenneth, you also
just described me.

Are you saying I wasn't right
for the job?

No, sir.
You were not.

I know you don't mean that.

Kenneth?

Awkward!

What am I looking at?

I'm just hair and eyes.
It's perfect.

Pete, a word?

I told you, we have to
do everything on greenscreen.

You're the one who wrote-
all this says is

"what if the jolly green giant
was horny?"

It's a note
from our sponsor.

Booyah!

[Clang, Bass drum pounding]

Wait, what is that?
Where's the band?

We can't afford a band...
Or a union crew.

So what,
we're using scabs?

You're not my girlfriend.
You're nobody's girlfriend!

This is a disaster.

I think it's awesome,
but full disclosure,

I just drank ayahuasca.

[Cell phone vibrates]
Not a good time, Criss.

You still at the office?

Did you not get
my messages?

I haven't had a second
to do anything.

Do you know what I had
for lunch today?

Two pieces of pizza,
a garden salad,

a cup of soup, this cookie thing
with a jelly center.

I'm at JFK, Liz.
The kids land in an hour.

- What?
- Bev's email had it backwards.

They're not coming in
on 1/29 on Flight 124.

They're coming in on 1/24
on Flight 129.

- Oh, my God, they're coming.
- They're coming, Liz.

The Kabletown board,
they're on their way up.

Ii can't go.
I can't leave work.

No, what are you
talking about? You have to.

Compromises, Criss.
Okay, so I won't be there

when we meet our kids
for the first time... so what?

I'll be around
for lots of other stuff.

I mean, how important is
being there this one time?

It's really important, Liz!
You know that.

I also know that everyone here
is counting on me

to save their jobs
right now.

And nobody else can do it
because, damn it,

this is Bro Body Douche presents
the Man Cave,

and I am Todd Debeikis!

No.

Guys,
I'm worried about Todd.

I'm extraordinarily busy,
Kenneth.

I assume you've made
your decision.

- Yes, I have.
- Very well.

But you should know
that I refuse

to watch this network
get torn apart.

- Kenneth...
- You Kenneth!

As much as it pains me,

I have no choice
but to quit the page program.

So shines a goon's deed
in a weary world.

Kenneth.

[Chuckles]

Seven years,
and I've never gotten it right.

Every show I was sure
would succeed... failed.

I mean, the monkey
was funny, damn it.

And then, when I tired
to tank the network

- so Hank would sell it...
- What's that now?

I actually made it better.

Homonym is the first
U.S. TV show

to be broadcast in Iran.

Kalamayeh badee hast "Sheer."
"Sheer."

Chashp... uh... "Sheer"
mesle gorbeh ye bozorg.

Nah. Ooh yekee deegast.

- Khak to saret!
- [Laughs]

Unlike every other place
I've ever worked,

this business makes
no sense.

And it doesn't matter
if you went

to Harvard business school
or...

Your college mascot
and president

- was a bear in a hat?
- Exactly.

This industry is
totally irrational.

So if all my credentials
and degrees

and experience don't matter,

that means the only
qualification for this job

is... loving television.

What are you saying, sir?

I'm saying I'm finally going
to do something for this network

that I know is right.

You like NBC,
don't you, Kenneth?

Oh, I think it's
the most wonderful place

in the whole wide world.

Good. Because
I'm giving it to you.

The whole thing.

You're the next president

of the National Broadcasting
Company.

[Strained giggles]

[Rock music]

Welcome to the Man Cave.

TV for your peen.

R.I.P., Todd.

- Why isn't he in costume?
- Ladies and gentlemen

of the Kabletown board,
I quit.

- So do I.
- What the hell are you doing?

They're replaceable... we can get
David Alan Grier and Miss Piggy.

I'll tell you
what we're doing, LL.

We're finally stepping up.

This show is a disaster.

Except for the very moving
Todd Debeikis tribute.

Todd, we'll miss you.

I know you want to
save TGS,Lemon head,

but there is no TGS
to save.

And you should be
at the airport right now

picking up your chili.

Children, Tracy.

Children? Why the hell
are you still here?

We knew you'd never
give up, so for once,

let us step up and do
what we do best... nothing.

You're doing this for me?

We all are.
I quit, Liz.

Me too.

I quit.

Mommy's baby quits.

I actually quit
two years ago.

Subhas out.
Suck it!

Get out of here, lady!

I hit that.

Hang on. Is that them?

Is that the twins?

No way!
So it is possible.

Yeah,
I saw it on Maury.

Is that a camera?

I'm gonna need you
on my good side.

What up, Liz Lemon?

I will not be able
to attend school tomorrow

because of an issue
with my lizard.

That seems about right.

♪ Welcome to a world
of magic ♪

♪ Where this nifty gadget
full of batteries ♪

♪ can funtertain your life ♪

♪ welcome to a world
of wonder ♪

♪ moving at the speed
of light ♪

♪ Press that button and invite ♪

♪ As *** to your home 'cause you must see ♪

♪ A world of magic ♪

♪ N ♪

♪ B ♪

♪ C ♪